@tinattt23 and @cdepperschmidt yes to the nursing thing!!! They weren’t too bad with A but with E, there was constant questioning on if she was eating enough, or if she needed formula (my parents even offered to buy it) since she’s so tiny. Then they kept asking how how long was I going to nurse her... I finally snapped at my parents and they stopped. It was more obnoxious to me because she was my 2nd. I’d still be nursing her now if she didn’t self wean after I got pregnant.
This one hasn't happened in a while, and isn't fully Pregnancy related. I hated when my mom would tell me "just wait until you have kids of your own" on topics related to my step son. I do have a kid. No, I didn't give birth to him, but he's my son. So yes, I've had a kid of my own for almost 3 years.
A terrible day precedes this. Conversation tonight with a 23yo PG lady (STM) I work with - ME: This has been such a shitty day...I could so go for a glass of wine right now! (I didn’t say I was going to have one. Just that I wanted one.) HER: If someone can’t go 9 mo without drinking they shouldn’t have kids. Lady. Good for your impeccable Majesty. Please stay up there on your high freaking horse as there’s lots of us little piles of dog shit down here on the ground. Im sure she probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded because she’s a really nice person but still... #notadoctor ETA: Pretty sure I’ll get some raised eyebrows about how long I want to BF. If I am able to that is.
All of the comments about car seats, breastfeeding, and CDs are blowing my mind!! Why would you question anything that has to do with safety?! My mom breastfed me and my brother and also CDed both of us so maybe my family is crunchier than I thought? We did BLW and I expected some comments on that but my grandmother looked at me baffled and was like kind of like "how else would you feed the baby, that's how I fed all my kids".
The only one I've really gotten is with regards to when we're due. My H is a partner in a tailgating company (he and a friend run full service tailgates during the college football season) besides his day job, so he's freaking swamped from August-November of every year, and I'm usually solo parenting in the evenings and weekends as a result. I've had a few people just look at us and ask if we realized the timing and how busy it's going to be.
Yep, I'm well aware of when football season is, and no I'm not going to plan my life around a GD college sport. It's not like we didn't know this was a possibility when we were trying!
@KFrob People have a hard time with change and updated information. Both my mom and MIL have said “Oh! That’s not how I did it.” at various times. Sometimes it’s not judgmental and sometimes it totally is. People also get defensive because they think that because you’re doing things differently, it must mean you think they did something wrong. That’s my mom at least. I think older generations don’t remember what it’s like to be in our shoes!
@mommy2ane +1 on the older generations not remembering what it's like to be in our shoes.
I am 100% positive my mom is only remembering certain things the way she wants to remember them haha. She always talks about how I would never take a bottle and she had to breastfeed me until I switched to a sippy cup... yet my dad was just telling me how wonderful it was to bond with me when he did nighttime feedings and how great it was to have a baby and a bottle in a rocking chair.... did he magically start producing milk? Hmm i'm gonna say no lol. It's likely my mom forgot that since my dad got home from his shift at 1am, he always took the nighttime kid duties so she could sleep and he used a bottle and she didn't.
And my mom (plus lots of other older women) always make those comments about "that's not how I did it." I'm trying to tell myself the response is more of a surprise reaction and not a judgment but I'm not sure I believe that lol. I'm sure everyone wants to feel validated in their own choices but things do change and just because I'm doing it a different way, doesn't make their way wrong. I wish people could just nod and say nothing instead of making comments haha
Me: 33 DH: 31 Location: Castle Rock, CO DD: 10.13.18 baby #2 due: 7.14.20
My stepdad is the greatest. “Well we did cuz and our kids survived.” That’s great, but others didn’t. Since then studies have shown it’s actually safer to abc. “I don’t believe those studies.” Well ok then. I guess you win. Tummy sleeping, front facing, Diet Coke drinking baby it is.
This one hasn't happened in a while, and isn't fully Pregnancy related. I hated when my mom would tell me "just wait until you have kids of your own" on topics related to my step son. I do have a kid. No, I didn't give birth to him, but he's my son. So yes, I've had a kid of my own for almost 3 years.
Ugh, everyone did this to me with E. "It's not the same, just wait." Unless it's something specifically related to pregnancy or child birth, I can guarantee you that whatever discussion y'all are having about your kids applies to me too. I got him when he was older (12) but I could still contribute to all the conversations. Everyone but the other stepmoms gave me the side-eye or cut me out. 6 years and one baby later, I stand by what I said in the beginning.
@sammierose464 Have you announced yet? I had a lot of people try and tell me that I would love Z *so* much more once they knew I was pregnant. I ignored those comments until he was born, then I made sure to tell them that no, I did not love him more. I loved them differently, sure. But I don't love one more than the other.
Seriously the breastfeeding thing, I don’t know about yours, but my kids wouldn’t even use a soother during those desperate times let alone a bottle of formula lol. They wanted the boob and that was it!
I was told by an older lady that I was crazy for having my first 2 so close together (they’re 18 months apart) ???
I’m dreading telling my friend that I’m a bridesmaid for because knowing her comments the first thing she will say is either “I thought you were going to wait till you were married first!” Or “so much for waiting until you’re married!” Yes, I did say that long ago but we agreed we would rather have another baby first because we don’t want the huge age difference between them and we just wanted a baby now! Not later. Marriage can wait, we are happy and content the way we are. And she will also be overly concerned about the bridesmaid dress fitting because we are picking them out in May this year (a year before the wedding) I’ll be 16 weeks or so and obviously I won’t have a baby belly anymore when the wedding happens. I just don’t want to deal with her OCD and rude comments at all!
Not sure if it's judgment or observations but it sure feels judgmental to me...family & friends keep telling me my face is fuller & I absolutely hate it! I've never been one to comment on an expecting mom's appearance if not asked so it bothers me that people feel so at liberty to say things to me. Pregnancy can be a very fragile time for a woman's self esteem so it's really grinding my gears. I wish they'd shut up & let me carry my baby in peace.
@krzyriver Thankfully I haven't heard that one lately, but I have heard it before. Yeah, I will have a different connect to this baby since I gave birth to him. However, I will love both of them the same.
I haven’t gotten any judgement yet this time because we haven’t told many people yet, although all the its a girl comments are annoying me. Last time I just got a lot of comments about how huge I was (I’m 5’1” with a short torso and had twins that I carried to 38 weeks - of course I was huge!)
Most of the judgment came after the boys were born. I wasn’t making enough milk because they were eating too often (during a growth spurt. I breastfed them until they were 2.5, so I definitely had the milk for it.) I also wasn’t supposed to nurse them until they started crying, even though I knew he was hungry and he knew I knew, I still should have ignored his needs until he screamed. There were also comments about how long they were rear facing (until they were 4). All of that was from my mom. Now she wonders why we don’t see her very often.
Besides my mom, I haven’t had to deal with judgy people, except one woman who couldn’t fathom that I would remain out of the workforce when my kids were school aged. When I mentioned that we’d probably have more kids, she said that once those kids were in school I would certainly go back to work. Nope, sorry. I hated my field and have no desire to go back or find another. I’m happy running all the errands and taking care of the mundane stuff during the day so that when my husband gets home it can be family time instead of scramble around and try to get everything done time. Plus not getting up at 6 am is nice. (No judgement on anybody that chooses (or doesn’t choose) to work. I have friends that were SAHMs and struggled until they went back to work and know people that struggled with a job until they quit to be SAHMs. Everybody needs to do what works for them.)
We always talk about how after baby is born, nobody says anything about baby’s name. I found out yesterday just how big a lie that is.
I’m talking to a woman that I know to see and have friendly conversations with, but not someone I would consider a friend, especially not a close friend. Unsolicited, she gives me her opinion on what her SIL named her daughter, and how it was a a boring name.
I’m like, dude, I know you are a teacher and the name is relatively common, but really? You don’t know me, and your complaining about your neice’s name? I tried to change the subject but she brought it up a couple of times.
*sigh*
(Yes, I know what most people mean is they don’t question the name to the parents’ faces.)
@knottieamusements I read that and literally could only respond with a head tilt and furrowed eyebrows. Why on earth does she feel the need to share that? That's kind of crazy it's getting to her so much that she needs to bring it up multiple times. Clearly she was looking for some validation on her UO.
@chopchop25 - That is kind of my thought too. I only validated that being a teacher has to make picking out names hard. I’m not sure she recognized the difference though.
@knottieamusements oh ya! Biggest lie ever! *MOST* people are too polite to say anythino after the baby is born/they see it. But I've heard (and witnessed) tons of horror stories about shit said to parents about babies name, while holding the baby. Sometimes it goes beyond off handed comments and involves shitty, manipulative bs, tears, trying to bribe the parents to change the name. It's crazy the entitlement of some family (mostly parents/grandparents/in laws) especially when it comes to thinking they have a say in naming (or should). People are horrible lol
@knottieamusements yeah we’ve gotten a fair few comments about Elsa’s name, both before and after she was born, ranging from “so... her name is Elsa. What do you actually call her?” to just “yeah I hate it.” Birth didn’t do much to slow the comments down.
@DunkinDecaf People have actually told you they hate her name to your face? That's terrible! My DD has a very different name but it has a lot of meaning to us. We've gotten some weird looks sometimes and I'm sure some talk behind our backs, but never anything to our faces. People suck.
Wow.. just wow. So after we broke the news to our families about the pregnancy (who were all crying happy tears!!), I told my friend (who i really can’t stand but I’m stuck in her wedding as some of you may know). It took her about 30 mins to finally say “well damn, Im happy for you”.. Her first response was asking me if I can still be a bridesmaid... I’m due October 2018... HER WEDDING IS MAY 2019... I knew this would be her first question. Then she preceded to ask me more judgmental questions, “I thought you were starting online school in September?” , “I just thought you wanted to be married before having another one” ”Austin and I are doing things opposite way of you then..” Wait.. it gets better.. She then sent a text that made my blood boil, “you better get your tubes tied after this one” WHAT?!?! We have 2 beautiful children 5 1/2 and 4. We WANT a third child and possibly more FYI... (I never said these things back to her but still made my point to make her question sound stupid although she hasn’t no idea what she is saying is bizarre.
I don’t need her support, I never have the past couple years, but I spent the afternoon crying in my vehicle because I’m so sick of her selfish, rude personality. How could someone say those things to me when I have perfectly happy family just because we aren’t married yet.
I’m too nice I guess, it’s a weakness.. we’ve been friends since 7th grade which is why I haven’t said F you and your wedding. Although i reeeeeally want to. Thank you.
Ugh sometimes long term friends can be the worst! It is like they think they can take advantage of you or be rude and get away with it because you have so much history. I'm sorry she said those hurtful things to you. You are a way nicer person than I am to deal with that BS. I hope she realizes that she was rude and apologizes
Me 33 DH 41 TTC since 2016 Due: October 12, 2018 Location: Ontario, Canada
@DunkinDecaf People have actually told you they hate her name to your face? That's terrible! My DD has a very different name but it has a lot of meaning to us. We've gotten some weird looks sometimes and I'm sure some talk behind our backs, but never anything to our faces. People suck.
The only one who literally said “I hate it” is DH’s best friend, and I actually didn’t mind. It’s who he is. He’s one of our closest friends and honest is his thing. I think my response was “well don’t worry, we aren’t going to start calling YOU Elsa” and we laughed it off. Kinda ridiculous how I have wayyy different standards of behavior for different people, but honestly it would take a LOT for that guy to piss me off, because he never says anything with malicious intent you know? He’s literally just telling us what he thinks *shrugs*
@ohmotherofboys That's just awful! I can't even wrap my mind around why she would think or say anything like that. I'm sorry you experienced that. Just because we know someone is being nasty and their words shouldn't matter doesn't mean they don't hurt. I'm glad that you and your SO are planing your life around your wants and needs and not following someone else's path just because it's traditional. Congratulations on all of the beautiful babies you have today and might have in the future.
Her wedding is in 2019? There is plenty of time for her to find a new bridesmaid. I’d pull out. There is absolutely no reason for you to put up with that kind of abuse. (And yes- I am very intentionally using that word.)
@DunkinDecaf - People I know and have a certain rapport with definitely get more leeway than a lot of other people on various things. It also matters how much I like you.
My Dad can call my dog Wally, but I totally marked a potential contractor for a remodeling job off my list for presuming to do the same thing. (My dog’s name is Walter; he is not a Wally.)
I agree with @knottieamusements on this one, @ohmotherofboys. Then again, I'm much more deliberate about removing toxic people from my life. I know it's not comfortable for many people.
@knottieamusements Thank you for that! It’s good for me to hear that anyone else would pull out of the wedding. I just need to build up the courage to actually say that I’m done. I would hate to buy this $350 bridesmaid dress plus whatever else for someone that tells me I need to get my tubes tied...
@sliztee I probably sound crazy for dealing with her but fortunately I haven’t really had to deal with toxic people besides her, especially a long term friendship, I’ve kept my distance from her for a couple of years though.
Re: Crazy Judgement from others
Conversation tonight with a 23yo PG lady (STM) I work with -
ME: This has been such a shitty day...I could so go for a glass of wine right now!
(I didn’t say I was going to have one. Just that I wanted one.)
HER: If someone can’t go 9 mo without drinking they shouldn’t have kids.
Lady. Good for your impeccable Majesty. Please stay up there on your high freaking horse as there’s lots of us little piles of dog shit down here on the ground.
Im sure she probably didn’t mean it the way it sounded because she’s a really nice person but still...
ETA: Pretty sure I’ll get some raised eyebrows about how long I want to BF. If I am able to that is.
Yep, I'm well aware of when football season is, and no I'm not going to plan my life around a GD college sport. It's not like we didn't know this was a possibility when we were trying!
I am 100% positive my mom is only remembering certain things the way she wants to remember them haha. She always talks about how I would never take a bottle and she had to breastfeed me until I switched to a sippy cup... yet my dad was just telling me how wonderful it was to bond with me when he did nighttime feedings and how great it was to have a baby and a bottle in a rocking chair.... did he magically start producing milk? Hmm i'm gonna say no lol. It's likely my mom forgot that since my dad got home from his shift at 1am, he always took the nighttime kid duties so she could sleep and he used a bottle and she didn't.
And my mom (plus lots of other older women) always make those comments about "that's not how I did it." I'm trying to tell myself the response is more of a surprise reaction and not a judgment but I'm not sure I believe that lol. I'm sure everyone wants to feel validated in their own choices but things do change and just because I'm doing it a different way, doesn't make their way wrong. I wish people could just nod and say nothing instead of making comments haha
Me: 33 DH: 31
Location: Castle Rock, CO
DD: 10.13.18
baby #2 due: 7.14.20
Ugh, everyone did this to me with E. "It's not the same, just wait." Unless it's something specifically related to pregnancy or child birth, I can guarantee you that whatever discussion y'all are having about your kids applies to me too. I got him when he was older (12) but I could still contribute to all the conversations. Everyone but the other stepmoms gave me the side-eye or cut me out. 6 years and one baby later, I stand by what I said in the beginning.
@sammierose464 Have you announced yet? I had a lot of people try and tell me that I would love Z *so* much more once they knew I was pregnant. I ignored those comments until he was born, then I made sure to tell them that no, I did not love him more. I loved them differently, sure. But I don't love one more than the other.
I was told by an older lady that I was crazy for having my first 2 so close together (they’re 18 months apart) ???
I’m dreading telling my friend that I’m a bridesmaid for because knowing her comments the first thing she will say is either “I thought you were going to wait till you were married first!” Or “so much for waiting until you’re married!” Yes, I did say that long ago but we agreed we would rather have another baby first because we don’t want the huge age difference between them and we just wanted a baby now! Not later. Marriage can wait, we are happy and content the way we are.
And she will also be overly concerned about the bridesmaid dress fitting because we are picking them out in May this year (a year before the wedding) I’ll be 16 weeks or so and obviously I won’t have a baby belly anymore when the wedding happens. I just don’t want to deal with her OCD and rude comments at all!
Most of the judgment came after the boys were born. I wasn’t making enough milk because they were eating too often (during a growth spurt. I breastfed them until they were 2.5, so I definitely had the milk for it.) I also wasn’t supposed to nurse them until they started crying, even though I knew he was hungry and he knew I knew, I still should have ignored his needs until he screamed. There were also comments about how long they were rear facing (until they were 4). All of that was from my mom. Now she wonders why we don’t see her very often.
Besides my mom, I haven’t had to deal with judgy people, except one woman who couldn’t fathom that I would remain out of the workforce when my kids were school aged. When I mentioned that we’d probably have more kids, she said that once those kids were in school I would certainly go back to work. Nope, sorry. I hated my field and have no desire to go back or find another. I’m happy running all the errands and taking care of the mundane stuff during the day so that when my husband gets home it can be family time instead of scramble around and try to get everything done time. Plus not getting up at 6 am is nice. (No judgement on anybody that chooses (or doesn’t choose) to work. I have friends that were SAHMs and struggled until they went back to work and know people that struggled with a job until they quit to be SAHMs. Everybody needs to do what works for them.)
We always talk about how after baby is born, nobody says anything about baby’s name. I found out yesterday just how big a lie that is.
I’m talking to a woman that I know to see and have friendly conversations with, but not someone I would consider a friend, especially not a close friend. Unsolicited, she gives me her opinion on what her SIL named her daughter, and how it was a a boring name.
I’m like, dude, I know you are a teacher and the name is relatively common, but really? You don’t know me, and your complaining about your neice’s name? I tried to change the subject but she brought it up a couple of times.
*sigh*
(Yes, I know what most people mean is they don’t question the name to the parents’ faces.)
Her first response was asking me if I can still be a bridesmaid... I’m due October 2018... HER WEDDING IS MAY 2019... I knew this would be her first question.
Then she preceded to ask me more judgmental questions, “I thought you were starting online school in September?” , “I just thought you wanted to be married before having another one” ”Austin and I are doing things opposite way of you then..”
Wait.. it gets better..
She then sent a text that made my blood boil, “you better get your tubes tied after this one”
WHAT?!?! We have 2 beautiful children 5 1/2 and 4. We WANT a third child and possibly more FYI... (I never said these things back to her but still made my point to make her question sound stupid although she hasn’t no idea what she is saying is bizarre.
I don’t need her support, I never have the past couple years, but I spent the afternoon crying in my vehicle because I’m so sick of her selfish, rude personality. How could someone say those things to me when I have perfectly happy family just because we aren’t married yet.
Sorry for the longest rant ever..
Thank you.
TTC since 2016
Due: October 12, 2018
Location: Ontario, Canada
Thanks!
edited for typo
Her wedding is in 2019? There is plenty of time for her to find a new bridesmaid. I’d pull out. There is absolutely no reason for you to put up with that kind of abuse. (And yes- I am very intentionally using that word.)
My Dad can call my dog Wally, but I totally marked a potential contractor for a remodeling job off my list for presuming to do the same thing. (My dog’s name is Walter; he is not a Wally.)
edit for typo.. again