@linssears4 and @sammierose464 Yup! Step parenting sometimes feels like there is a 3rd person in our relationship. Over the years DH has gotten leaps and bounds better about dealing with his ex and co-parenting. Any mention of money really bothers him since he (and by default, we) pay her a pretty hefty sum each month, it felt like jab. Just like sammierose's bio mom this one makes lots of fake happy and empty comments to us too. I just try to tell myself I'd rather her be fake than mean to my face
@linssears4 and @sammierose464 Yup! Step parenting sometimes feels like there is a 3rd person in our relationship. Over the years DH has gotten leaps and bounds better about dealing with his ex and co-parenting. Any mention of money really bothers him since he (and by default, we) pay her a pretty hefty sum each month, it felt like jab. Just like sammierose's bio mom this one makes lots of fake happy and empty comments to us too. I just try to tell myself I'd rather her be fake than mean to my face
Edit tagging is hard
I'd take fake too. DH's ex is a bitch and not afraid to let us know when she's unhappy. Thankfully we have custody of SS and can ignore most of what she says now.
I haven’t had any judgey comments yet because most people don’t know I’m pregnant yet. My dad and brother are annoyed because we’re not finding out the sex or announcing the baby’s name till after the birth but I told them to get over it.
One girl at my job just went out on maternity leave and another is due in August so I’ve been getting all sorts of comments about that. One woman said “oooh you’re next!” And another said “be careful what chair you sit in around here!” They’re just lucky that I’m actually pregnant (though they don’t know) because I struggled with infertility for over two years and those comments would’ve been super hurtful to me a few months ago rather than just being annoying and obnoxious now.
TTC History
Me: 35 DH: 34 Married 07/2012 DD born 07/2014 DD2 born 10/2018 DS born 10/2022
IF history: TTC #2 since January 2016 June-Aug 2017: 3 IUIs w/Clomid = BFN Sept 2017: Dx w/Endometriosis Oct 2017: IUI w/Letrozole = BFN Nov 2017: IUI w/Letrozole = BFN Dec 2017: pre-IVF testing Jan-Feb 2018: IVF--17 eggs retrieved, 13 fertilized, 9 frozen and 1 transferred on 2/10 = BFP on 2/19!!! EDD 10/29/2018 FET Oct 2021: BFP on 10/31! MC at 5 weeks FET Feb 2022: BFP on 2/15! EDD 10/29/22
@shortstack930 My boss told a woman in her 60's to be careful not to drink the water in our office because my coworker and I are both pregnant. Ugh. I felt so weird for that poor lady.
I have been getting a lot of 'are you two going to get married before the baby comes?', with a lot of side eye. We're both divorced and have lost a lot of faith in marriage as a necessity. We are happy and committed and have been for several years. I'm 35 and at that age, baby was on a timetable and remarriage wasn't. That said, we probably will get married before she shows up, but it won't be a big thing and I won't invite judgy people.
Also, I've already gotten the 'are you sure it's not twins? You're so big!' twice.
@KFrob "step-mama" here too... except we never use that term. I'm SD's mom, and her biological mom is mom too. We have a pretty roller coaster relationship with her bio mom... it's either sunshine and rainbows or HELL. #solidaritysister
This is baby 3, child 4 (see above) for us and I love that people automatically ask "if we are done" or having more. Holy crap, can I please give birth to the one I'm growing right now first before I decide that?
@drurose - Don’t get married if you don’t want to. Seriously. Just talk to a family lawyer to see what needs to be done to make sure you both have the rights and ability to do all the things needed for the baby.
My brother’s best friend and his partner have been together for over twenty years now, and have raised a wonderful son. They never got married, although I know there was some pressure to when she got pregnant.
@drurose We had that happen when I was pregnant with DD. We knew how we felt and our age was a factor. Not to mention the feeling of been there done that. We didn't need an engagement or a wedding. One of the first things both of our mothers asked when we told them we were pregnant was "when are you getting married?". This time around it was buy a house or have another one and again age won and we decided that expending our family was more important that buying a house.
@linssears4 and @sammierose464 Yup! Step parenting sometimes feels like there is a 3rd person in our relationship. Over the years DH has gotten leaps and bounds better about dealing with his ex and co-parenting. Any mention of money really bothers him since he (and by default, we) pay her a pretty hefty sum each month, it felt like jab. Just like sammierose's bio mom this one makes lots of fake happy and empty comments to us too. I just try to tell myself I'd rather her be fake than mean to my face
Edit tagging is hard
I feel like I'd want to tell here "why does it matter? You still get your money every month." CS sucks sometimes.
@Gizmo1231 MIL’s first response to H after he told her about this pregnancy was “so are you going in for your vasectomy after she delivers?”
No, we’re not sure how many kids we want yet. I adore that woman but she is offensively intrusive with her opinions on how many kids we should have. Her answer was 2, and it took her a longgg time to come around to the conclusion that we will not be taking her opinion into consideration.
@KFrob "step-mama" here too... except we never use that term. I'm SD's mom, and her biological mom is mom too. We have a pretty roller coaster relationship with her bio mom... it's either sunshine and rainbows or HELL. #solidaritysister
This is baby 3, child 4 (see above) for us and I love that people automatically ask "if we are done" or having more. Holy crap, can I please give birth to the one I'm growing right now first before I decide that?
@Gizmo1231 We don't use that word here either. He either calls me by my first name or mom. We don't use step or half at all, except when people are confused by the idea of blended families. Even then I try to avoid saying stepson, although he probably uses stepmom because it's easier for him when people are being dense. His mother has a fit anytime I refer to him as my son though.
I actually hate using SS here, but since everything is acronyms (DH, DS, etc) I have to.
@Gizmo1231@KFrob NOT EVEN TEN MINUTES after I told my mom I was pregnant she asked when I was going to have my second. ::Face palm:: haha. I was like, woman calm yourself! One life event at a time.
Me: 33 DH: 31 Location: Castle Rock, CO DD: 10.13.18 baby #2 due: 7.14.20
First thing everyone says is they hope this one is a girl. Always talking what a bummer it will be if it’s another boy. How we’ll have to have another to try again for a girl. Umm, nope. They’re going to be whatever they’re going to be and we’re done regardless. And I’m actually hoping for another boy (not that it honestly matters). So sorry I don’t want what you want?
This isn't a judgement that's happened yet but one I'm concerned about. My boss just announced she's retiring this September and one of our other leaders is taking her position. They will have a joint transition as he takes over her responsibilities starting in May and she is there to provide him guidance until her retirement.
So around the June/July timeframe, I will tell both my old boss and new boss that I won't be coming back after baby is born. I'm going to take a year or so off before returning to the workforce. I'm nervous I'm going to be judged for leaving and I'm nervous about not having a job (because I love my job, I've never not had one, and I'm used to being an independent person with my own money and career aspirations) but I am also so very grateful we are able to live off one salary for a year and I have the opportunity to be at home with baby.
So hopefully I can leave on a good note and keep the communication open for rejoining the company in a year or so. I work for a huge company so there's often job openings but it's way easier to get a job if you work for the company than if you are coming from the outside so I really hope my team doesn't forget who I am lol.
Me: 33 DH: 31 Location: Castle Rock, CO DD: 10.13.18 baby #2 due: 7.14.20
@sarahzett Not to change the topic of the thread...but I haven't exactly figured out the best time to bring up the fact that I'm not coming back, nor am I certain how to broach the topic. My mom thinks I should wait until I have to give notice (which is at least 4 weeks to get my PTO payout), but just kinda go with the flow until then. I dunno, doesn't seem super ethical? I'm a pretty big fan of honesty.
I would hope a supervisor wouldn't hold a person's decision to leave work to care for a child against him/her but I guess it really comes down to who the boss is. For succession planning purposes, I would give as much notice as I could so my boss would have time to find a replacement and train them. I would think they'd appreciate the notice as well since it doesn't leave them in a bind trying to cover work with less people at the last minute.
@slitzee and @sarahzett - I'm optimistically sure you'll both be fine because, just based on getting to know you a bit here, you seem to have your heads on straight and have some grace, tact, and the situational awareness to handle each of your respective situations well.
There's something to be said about early notice and then being able to step up to the plate over the next few months to be as helpful as possible everywhere you can be, so that they remember you as someone who left by giving 110% and was committed to the company's well-being until the very end. But there's also something to be said for those companies that will take the opportunity to cut you early - not because they want to, but because it's the fiscal best move to make (presumably they couldn't with maternity leave, but can they offer you severance and insurance to just leave now? I don't know enough about employment law.) I'm coming back, but while my company is certainly the former, I wouldn't do it around fiscal year end because it might force them to take the latter approach. Feel out your corporate culture and go with your gut. Fingers crossed for you both!
Also, I forgot the early statements that irked me. Now they're coming back. 1. Everyone has said we're having a boy 2. 'I'm not surprised because it was about that time for you guys' 3. 'That's so crazy, because you've been go-go-go with your career and now you just...won't...for a bit.'
I don't care about the first, but WTF to the second two. The third may be true, but who says that (and it was one of this person's first full sentences to me about it after I told her)
I just get annoyed when people try to predict the sex of my baby based on the fact that I’m sicker this time than I was last. I told my mother-in-law that I wanted another boy and her response was no you want to girl and a boy having a girl and a boy is a special experience.
I told my mother-in-law that I wanted another boy and her response was no you want to girl and a boy having a girl and a boy is a special experience.
Of course what I really want is a healthy baby and I’d be happy with either a boy or a girl, but I surely don’t want someone else tell me what I want.
Also, I’m sure people are judging me because I eat all day every day and haven’t been wearing dress clothes to work lately.
@linssears4 I would be blunt and tell her that a pink or blue blanket will not be used. So there is no point in making it in those colors, unless she wants it to sit in a closet.
@chopchop25 Aw thanks. And you're so eloquent. Can you tell my boss for me? haha. Honestly, my old boss has been very supportive and the culture at my company is good for parents who decide to leave and fair, so I don't believe I'd be cut early at all. Really I just hate disappointing people, especially my boss, even though I know it's the right decision for my family... and I'm also going to miss my job. But I am hopeful it will all work out. I've been at my company for 10 years. I can take some time off, eventually come back and work another 20, and that time off will still be the most treasured of my life.
@sliztee I also like to be honest and transparent. Summer is my busiest time so I will be completing some huge projects and events which is good for them to see and remind them I am a great employee lol. I plan on telling them after that, probably in August, which gives them 2 and a half months to decide what to do when I'm on maternity leave (like if they want to delegate my responsibilities to someone else on the team or hire a replacement right then) and 4 and a half months before my official termination date (in case they want to wait until I'm officially gone before they hire someone new).
Me: 33 DH: 31 Location: Castle Rock, CO DD: 10.13.18 baby #2 due: 7.14.20
This isnt a judgment so much, but a weird number of people have been commenting on how gigantic my boobs are right now. I’ve definitely gained more weight than I expected so far and I think it’s their way of trying to comment on that nicely but it comes off as creepy.
I think the biggest area of judgment has been around what time I’ve been leaving work— like 6pm more recently instead of the usual after 7pm. I still bring work home with me but I’m trying to transition the office into not expecting me to be there late going forward. I’m hoping some of this will go away once I’m more obviously pregnant. I’ve told some people at work but not everyone.
None so far for me this pregnancy, but I'm sorry that so many of you are experiencing this. With my last pregnancy I was questioned pretty consistently due to being vegetarian and people didn't think that was a healthy diet for pregnancy. After having a very large, very healthy first baby I don't believe I will encounter that this time around.
@arome2311 With DS I was constantly told I was too small and needed to eat more. Are you my doctor? Cause my doctor is totally happy with my size and the baby is growing just fine. Leave me be.
@sparklingwhit that's so inappropriate!! And completely unprofessional coming from your boss.. I almost would have considered going to hr over something that that, it's so incentive who knows what you could have went through to get this baby!
I know that he has zero clue about our infertility issues or the fact that this is my last time being pregnant one way or the other, but it seriously stung. I would go to HR but I’m leaving the company soon and I just don’t want to deal with it. I just want to leave.
The other guy is just a dick and acted like one when he said that. It was expected that he’d say something along those lines.
My bfs parents saying we need to feed our baby cereal before 6 months. She constantly asked and planned to do it secretly because he was 'hungry'. Its my choice to do what the ped recommends. Having my son sleep in her arms when we are there for a visit. Me and my bf always set our baby in the crib to sleep as he doesnt like to be cuddled by me and bf when he sleeping, but she insists its bonding and then we cant put him to sleep the nights we are over there because he wants to be held. He only wants to be held on those nights and he won't stop crying. Quit ruining our sleep woman! My boyfriend took the cereal from her house and told her to put my son down when hes napping. It kinda got better but who knows when we are not there.
Re: Crazy Judgement from others
Edit tagging is hard
I'd take fake too. DH's ex is a bitch and not afraid to let us know when she's unhappy. Thankfully we have custody of SS and can ignore most of what she says now.
One girl at my job just went out on maternity leave and another is due in August so I’ve been getting all sorts of comments about that. One woman said “oooh you’re next!” And another said “be careful what chair you sit in around here!” They’re just lucky that I’m actually pregnant (though they don’t know) because I struggled with infertility for over two years and those comments would’ve been super hurtful to me a few months ago rather than just being annoying and obnoxious now.
Married 07/2012
DD born 07/2014
DD2 born 10/2018
DS born 10/2022
IF history:
TTC #2 since January 2016
June-Aug 2017: 3 IUIs w/Clomid = BFN
Sept 2017: Dx w/Endometriosis
Oct 2017: IUI w/Letrozole = BFN
Nov 2017: IUI w/Letrozole = BFN
Dec 2017: pre-IVF testing
Jan-Feb 2018: IVF--17 eggs retrieved, 13 fertilized, 9 frozen and 1 transferred on 2/10 = BFP on 2/19!!! EDD 10/29/2018
FET Oct 2021: BFP on 10/31! MC at 5 weeks
FET Feb 2022: BFP on 2/15! EDD 10/29/22
Also, I've already gotten the 'are you sure it's not twins? You're so big!' twice.
This is baby 3, child 4 (see above) for us and I love that people automatically ask "if we are done" or having more. Holy crap, can I please give birth to the one I'm growing right now first before I decide that?
My brother’s best friend and his partner have been together for over twenty years now, and have raised a wonderful son. They never got married, although I know there was some pressure to when she got pregnant.
No, we’re not sure how many kids we want yet. I adore that woman but she is offensively intrusive with her opinions on how many kids we should have. Her answer was 2, and it took her a longgg time to come around to the conclusion that we will not be taking her opinion into consideration.
@Gizmo1231 We don't use that word here either. He either calls me by my first name or mom. We don't use step or half at all, except when people are confused by the idea of blended families. Even then I try to avoid saying stepson, although he probably uses stepmom because it's easier for him when people are being dense. His mother has a fit anytime I refer to him as my son though.
I actually hate using SS here, but since everything is acronyms (DH, DS, etc) I have to.
Me: 33 DH: 31
Location: Castle Rock, CO
DD: 10.13.18
baby #2 due: 7.14.20
This isn't a judgement that's happened yet but one I'm concerned about. My boss just announced she's retiring this September and one of our other leaders is taking her position. They will have a joint transition as he takes over her responsibilities starting in May and she is there to provide him guidance until her retirement.
So around the June/July timeframe, I will tell both my old boss and new boss that I won't be coming back after baby is born. I'm going to take a year or so off before returning to the workforce. I'm nervous I'm going to be judged for leaving and I'm nervous about not having a job (because I love my job, I've never not had one, and I'm used to being an independent person with my own money and career aspirations) but I am also so very grateful we are able to live off one salary for a year and I have the opportunity to be at home with baby.
So hopefully I can leave on a good note and keep the communication open for rejoining the company in a year or so. I work for a huge company so there's often job openings but it's way easier to get a job if you work for the company than if you are coming from the outside so I really hope my team doesn't forget who I am lol.
Me: 33 DH: 31
Location: Castle Rock, CO
DD: 10.13.18
baby #2 due: 7.14.20
There's something to be said about early notice and then being able to step up to the plate over the next few months to be as helpful as possible everywhere you can be, so that they remember you as someone who left by giving 110% and was committed to the company's well-being until the very end.
But there's also something to be said for those companies that will take the opportunity to cut you early - not because they want to, but because it's the fiscal best move to make (presumably they couldn't with maternity leave, but can they offer you severance and insurance to just leave now? I don't know enough about employment law.) I'm coming back, but while my company is certainly the former, I wouldn't do it around fiscal year end because it might force them to take the latter approach.
Feel out your corporate culture and go with your gut. Fingers crossed for you both!
1. Everyone has said we're having a boy
2. 'I'm not surprised because it was about that time for you guys'
3. 'That's so crazy, because you've been go-go-go with your career and now you just...won't...for a bit.'
I don't care about the first, but WTF to the second two. The third may be true, but who says that (and it was one of this person's first full sentences to me about it after I told her)
I told my mother-in-law that I wanted another boy and her response was no you want to girl and a boy having a girl and a boy is a special experience.
Of course what I really want is a healthy baby and I’d be happy with either a boy or a girl, but I surely don’t want someone else tell me what I want.
Also, I’m sure people are judging me because I eat all day every day and haven’t been wearing dress clothes to work lately.
@chopchop25 Aw thanks. And you're so eloquent. Can you tell my boss for me? haha. Honestly, my old boss has been very supportive and the culture at my company is good for parents who decide to leave and fair, so I don't believe I'd be cut early at all. Really I just hate disappointing people, especially my boss, even though I know it's the right decision for my family... and I'm also going to miss my job. But I am hopeful it will all work out. I've been at my company for 10 years. I can take some time off, eventually come back and work another 20, and that time off will still be the most treasured of my life.
@sliztee I also like to be honest and transparent. Summer is my busiest time so I will be completing some huge projects and events which is good for them to see and remind them I am a great employee lol. I plan on telling them after that, probably in August, which gives them 2 and a half months to decide what to do when I'm on maternity leave (like if they want to delegate my responsibilities to someone else on the team or hire a replacement right then) and 4 and a half months before my official termination date (in case they want to wait until I'm officially gone before they hire someone new).
Me: 33 DH: 31
Location: Castle Rock, CO
DD: 10.13.18
baby #2 due: 7.14.20
I think the biggest area of judgment has been around what time I’ve been leaving work— like 6pm more recently instead of the usual after 7pm. I still bring work home with me but I’m trying to transition the office into not expecting me to be there late going forward. I’m hoping some of this will go away once I’m more obviously pregnant. I’ve told some people at work but not everyone.
Boss when I told him *TW*:
“You’re not very far along and it might not happen so you should really keep that information to yourself.”
*end TW*
Co-worker when I told him:
“Oh good. I thought you were just letting yourself go.”
WTF.
The other guy is just a dick and acted like one when he said that. It was expected that he’d say something along those lines.