SAY WHAT!?!?!?

lajoliedreamer

Yes! The gender-related comments are maddening. When people find out we're having a boy they often say something like "DH must be so excited!" as if he wasn't as excited about DD or wouldn't have been if we were having another girl. And what about me? Maybe I'm the one who's excited. 

I don't push DD towards anything either and it really bugs me when other people try to put her in a gender-biased box. A few months ago I had a McDonald's employee apologize for putting a boy toy in her happy meal and trip over herself to try to get a girl one instead which I declined because DD loved that hot wheel as much as, if not more than, the hello kitty she could have gotten.

pourmeanothermocktail

soprano19 said:

@shamrocandroll @afranzen85 @thepretzelchick the thing that bugs me about comments like this is the implication that we would be raising boys and girls differently. Sure, DD1 likes Frozen and Tangled, but she also likes trains, buses, and airplanes, which are stereotypically "boy" toys/interests. She also likes playing outside, singing songs, and reading books, which are "every kid" activities. I don't push my children toward certain activities based on their genitalia and I find it offensive that people make those assumptions.

My son likes dresses and nail polish and sparkly hair clips and princesses. Plus dinosaurs and trucks. So does my daughter. Screw all these genital obsessed people and ideas. 

mamaj1220

I have been getting the "oh so will you have one more to try for a girl? You have plenty of time to have another" Like no thanks I am good and why does it matter that I will have two boys and be done? 

pirateduck

@soprano19 exactly, we will hike and camp and ski/snowboard with our daughter.  My husband is an equipment operator and I'm sure it won't be too long before she gets her first ride in a backhoe  and we will teach her to play an instrument and draw and paint and read.  I just want healthy and well rounded and active and not to stifle creativity and good values like honesty and integrity.  Haha, reading this I realize I have high expectations, it's just that we can't wait to share the things we love with someone we love!

thepretzelchick

Because they're so close in age and share a room half the time, their interests are pretty much the same and their toys are all mixed together. DS is an empath, plays princess more than DD, his best friends have always been girls, etc. If anybody is the "princess" around here, it's my little dude  Whereas DD will kick your ass, give you a hug, steal your car, send you flowers in the hospital, and plot her takeover. She's April Ludgate and Leslie Knope with a dash of Mona-Lisa Saperstein. She's not some delicate flower who will be dressed up and pampered just because she's the only girl.

I think with members of my extended family it's hard for them to reconcile that I was the total girly girl, ballerina, pageant girl as a kid and I'm raising this tough-as-nails karate kid who doesn't let her tiny stature and cartoon voice stop her from whatever she wants. 

emlettuce

@thepretzelchick I've never wanted to meet a child more (beside the one currently inside of me). What an amazing description.

splashmountain

@soprano19 I have a DS and am pg with a girl. I get the omg aren't you just so glad you're having a girl assuming I wouldn't be happy with a boy. *tw* after 2 losses and infertility we want a living child, and what's growing between his/her legs was never a concern!

@shamrocandroll MIL bought DS a Frozen tricycle for xmas. Everyone was giving her shit saying it was a girl's bike but she thought it was fine because it was blue. I told her "don't listen to them, look at how much he likes it". The second he saw it, he hopped on and rolled around on that thing for the next 3 hours.

Eta spelling is hard

shamrocandroll

@splashmountain *TW* Yes, I think my losses are what make me even more angry about it.  It's very likely at least one of them was a girl, so implying it's too bad my rainbow boy isn't a girl will NOT go over well with me.  

pirateduck

@splashmountain and @shamrocandroll I am on the same page after my journey.  It's also what irks me when people neglect to ask how I'm doing or how the baby's doing and jump straight to the sex and/or the name.  

@splashmountain I love that your MIL got your son exactly what he would have wanted.  Thoughtful gifts are the best, even if they are not traditional or go against the grain in some way!

splashmountain

@shamrocandroll 100% agree! And I hope there won't be any crappy comments when yous S comes, but unfortunately, I'm sure you'll get a bunch of "aww too bad it's not a girl".  People suck.

@pirateduck people like to tell me how big I am and then ask the exact same things, what is it and what's her name. Ugh! I'm great, thanks for asking, eyeroll.  And yes, my MIL is really good to him, thoughtful gifts, no matter what they are, are the absolute best! He wouldn't have like a truck or dinosaur nearly as much as that Frozen tricycle

pirateduck

I'm also afraid that after the baby I will get comments starting up about having another one (there were many comments about if/when we were gonna have kids when we first got married, so I don't expect them to hold back).  It took 3 difficult years for this baby, and we have learned of some risk factors that we have, and I honestly don't know if I can do all this over again.  I just want time to celebrate and be happy with this baby first.

I haven't had a ton of comments yet on anything though because most people I work with and see regularly still don't know I'm pregnant  and many people I do know, haven't seen me in person since finding out.  

sunshinesea22

I just had just want to say that I’m loving all the gender non-conformity you ladies are bringing to your kids, especially the boys. I think it’s really important for both boys and girls to know they can be whoever they want to be and do whatever they want regardless of their sex. I will not pigeonhole a kid into specific toys or roles because of their genitals. I was once in Target and overheard a grandma telling her 3-4 year old grandson that he couldn’t have a toy because it was a “girls toy” It took all my strength to walk by without giving that woman a piece of my mind and buying the kid the toy myself. 

It’s too late to go back now, but I’ve been telling people when they ask boy or girl. I wish I hadn’t and just lied to say we don’t know. It shouldn’t matter if my kid has a Y chromosome or not. I think I was just so excited in the beginning I wanted everyone to know all the things. Now I wish it wasn’t the first question people ask

ruby696

@sunshinesea22 It's interesting (and disappointing) to hear my 5yo DS talk about gendered items now that he's in elementary school. I've overheard him telling DD that pink is a girl color so she can use that crayon, or that girls have long hair and boys have short hair, so she can't have short hair like him. We've had to have several conversations about how those things aren't true and girls and boy can do/like all the same things. I mean this kid used to love having his nails painted or playing dolls with his sister. So it breaks my heart a little bit, both because he should know better, and because he's obviously hearing it from kids at school, which means kids are still hearing this garbage from their parents.

shamrocandroll

@ruby696   I'm really dreading when DS1 starts being ruined by other kids (and indirectly, their parents) when he gets older.  Right now I'm really enjoying him just enjoy life without judgement and it makes me sad they can't just do that forever.  

pirateduck

@sunshinesea22 it's ok to be excited and want to share all the things!  That's who you are and that's where you are at in your pregnancy, embrace it!

rox7777

@ruby696 @shamrocandroll Peer influence is the worst, but at least we can be reassured that kids usually quickly learn to form their own opinions and form groups with like minded people. 

Hopefully those opinions don’t go too far from what we’ve taught them. I’d like to think my kids will be well rounded individuals, but I guess jerks have to come from somewhere. 

jhysmath

I'm team green mainly so I don't have to deal with the comments either way "aren't you so happy you're having a boy!" "awe I'm sorry you're having another girl"...Shortly after dd was born my MIL made a comment on we have to have another because every family needs a boy. Spiteful me hopes this one is a girl again just to shove it in her face. Don't tell me my newborn isn't valued as much because she's a female. 

shamrocandroll

@jhysmath Oh, I'm 100% spitefully thrilled about another boy because it means my MIL will never get the girl she's been harassing me for about a decade for. Also, once she told me having two boys is the reason she's so mean, because she had to be tough raising them. I can't wait to show her you can raise thoughtful boys without turning into a raging biotch. 

pourmeanothermocktail

I'm not sure if this would bother anyone else, but it's pissing me off. So many people who had only one kid, had super easy pregnancies, had their kids spaced out much further (first was at least 5, but usually 6 or 7, and second was at least 3 before third was born) than my expected almost 4 and 20 months, tell me how it'll be easy to handle all three kids. Especially when I express that inn nervous as my two kids were both really bad sleepers, screamed almost non-stop for their first few months, and wouldn't let me put them down in ANYTHING. Like, screamed bloody murder in swings, within seconds. No pacifier, etc. And my second insisted on hours of just being walked with. Which was hard enough with one other kid while recovering from birth, but considering I have less than 4 months before baby is here probably, and my second still isn't walking on her own....it's intimidating to consider. Oh, and needing a walker to get around? Adding to my fears. But to have people who have never been in even a slightly similar position is just infuriating. I don't judge other's age gaps or decisions on how many kids to have or NOT have, but if you only have 2 and have them 8 + years apart, you don't get to blithely tell me that the older ones help out and it'll all be fine.

Rant over.

cmhme

Thanks to you girls i had the perfect response yesterday. An older gentleman leans over and goes "So you are having a ....???" and i said "Slight chance its an alien but pretty sure its a baby." :-)

lajoliedreamer

@pourmeanothermocktail - I'm sorry you received the opposite of the sympathy you needed to hear! Give me those moms who say "yeah, it's gonna suck" over the sunshine and rainbows "cherish every moment" types. I'm sure as hell not going to cherish the moment my threenager is shrieking at me and baby is crying and I'm on so little sleep I'm barely functioning. I don't want to hear that it's going to get better which, in those moments, seems impossible, not encouraging, and makes me feel like a sh*tty mother for feeling so inadequate.

ETA: I was talking to a co-worker the other day about parenthood. I made the comment that I'm dreading the baby stage and that the first two years are the worst. She was shocked to hear me say it and told me that she felt the same way, but never felt like it was something anyone could talk about (she's a grandma now). I'm so glad the culture has changed that some parents are willing to talk about the hard/sucky parts to make it feel a bit less lonely.

ruby696

@pourmeanothermocktail DS was only 18 months when DD was born. Speaking from experience, your 20 month old will be 100% useless as a helper and there will be lots of times where you're trying to carry both. So tell anyone who says otherwise, to shove it. And babywear if you can. It helps. You have SPD right? Does that get better once baby is born or will you still be using the walker?

*I'm desperately hoping four year olds are helpful, since mine will be 4 and 5. At least they can get supplies, right? Right?!

pirateduck

@lajoliedreamer I was talking to a friend recently and had a similar revelation...  I was saying how I'm terrified for when the baby is born and there's only so much I can do to prepare/get ready, but reality will be different and I just have to kinda wing it and the thought of being responsible for a tiny helpless human being is overwhelming and scary.  And she was shocked and said "Really?  I thought I was the only one who felt this way and it's making me second guess my decision to have kids!"   I think it's a multiple factors, like second time moms have subconsciously replaced some of the bad memories with the good ones, but also that society wants us to only talk about the good things.  We aren't supposed to talk about any of the bad in parenthood or anything else, and we are supposed to sugar coat things and only talk about how we can't wait to meet our little bundle of joy (not shrieking terror that speaks another language that we can't understand) or whatever.  I told her I'm pretty sure everyone is scared at first because it's a big life change and we don't know what it will really be like until it happens.

pourmeanothermocktail

@lajoliedreamer YES!! thank you, I can't do this fake positivism crap. Some stuff is just hard and painful.

@ruby696 My 27 month old wasn't helpful at all, and he was walking by 16 months and talking at least with signs for what he wants/needs by 18 months. Still wasn't helpful. We spent a lot of the first 4 months in front of the TV, because there wasn't much other choice. 

My SPD wasn't this bad with previous babies, but it's never healed up immediately or even fast or fully after any of them. With my first, between SPD and my surgical delivery that I didn't get to rest after (think 12 hours days in NICU for 3 weeks) I was uncomfortable on stairs for another 3-4 months, and while I could carry baby at least when he got home, more than 30 min on my feet, or getting up and down hurt for months. And definitely not just my surgical scar.

With my second, it was worse before delivery, could have used a walker for the last 3 ish weeks, I didn't bother as I was already having labor start and stop. But, it did improve more and quicker. Stairs were fine by day 2 or 3, but still being on feet more than an hour or carrying toddler still didn't work for a couple of months due to pelvis. Even though baby wearing is so helpful in the first few months, I couldn't do it as much as they wanted and they screamed when I set them down. So it was a balancing act of my physical health to my mental health of trying to listen to them freak out just to be able to take 5 min to put away a load of laundry or 10 min to get food together without carrying baby. 

I am always envious when I see parents put a young baby in a swing or bouncy seat or car seat and get a quiet 10 min break. 

I can only imagine this time my pelvis will be worse. And a 20/21 month old is going to need even more hands on care than my 27 month old did. So I'm scared. 

ruby696

IDK @pirateduck, in my circle of friends, the bad is by far more amusing than the good, and we're much more likely to share it. I think in general it's hard for STM's because it feels like a lot of FTM's get upset when we share the bad (at least in my experience). Like they want rainbows and sunshine, and if we're real, then we're being negative and trying to scare them. I can tell you now, I haven't replaced the bad memories - they are vividly burned into my mind. But I usually keep them to myself or only share with others who have been through it, because FTM's don't want to hear it. Also, I don't feel like they're bad memories, they're just the hard parts of the journey. And often they're very funny when looking back. But so, so hard when you're in the moment.

Sorry, not trying to get preachy. One of the nice things about this group is the FTM's do seem to want a realistic picture. That's why I love seeing questions on the STM thread.

@pourmeanothermocktail Ugh, stairs. I can't imagine stairs. People who think it will be an easy transition deserve the "you're an idiot look." Give them that. No further comment necessary.

Both my kids wanted to be held all the time, too. I'm so jealous of the people who can put their kids down for a half hour to make dinner. We went out to dinner this weekend and a couple had an infant in a carseat, sleeping, while they enjoyed their dinner. I was telling MH, "remember when people told us that was the best phase to go to restaurants? Because infants would just sleep?" We laughed, because no. Not my kids. They usually had runny poop if we dared go out to eat. And there was no sleeping. I feel so lucky I never dealt with SPD. I don't know how you manage. Kids are hard enough when you can be active.

Eta: tags

heatherlynn321

Why is, "You look tired," a thing that needs to be said. How is that helpful?

ruby696

I'm starting to get a lot of "how much weight have you gained?" Too much, and still not enough. And none of your damn business. 

rachelg777

@ruby696 That's ridiculous. Why would anyone think that is their business or a topic you want to discuss with them.

rox7777

MIL walked up to me last week and roughly pushed on my stomach to try to get baby to move. I slapped her hand and told her not to touch me. Luckily MH knows I hate to be touched anyways so he told her to back off and not touch the bump. She SHOULD know this. It’s our third and I don’t even let anyone outside my kids and husband hug me. 

Honestly I’m still pissed and she’s currently banned from my house. My stomach is stupid sore, I did just start the third trimester. Who the hell roughly pushes on someone’s stomach?! For any reason?! 

splashmountain

Wtf @rox7777 that's ridiculous! I'm not touchy, but I can handle a quick pat on the tummy or whatever but who in their right mind thinks it's ok to jab your bump to get baby to move!? 

bananapanda

So my work bff and I go out to eat Mexican at least once a week normally to the same restaurant near work and have for quite awhile now so we are definitely "regulars" and today one of the waiters looked at me after I sat down and said "you have baby?" and pointed to my belly.  Then he said he had been wondering "is she? isn't she?" for awhile now.  Thank you for pointing that out, kind sir.  And to make it even more awkward my friend has been TTGP since July with no luck and then he asked her why she doesn't have any kids yet.  

pirateduck

oh @bananapanda nooooo.  I don't think I will ever ask someone when they are having kids or why they don't have kids again in my life.  It's just too sensitive.

Once a family member asked me when I was having kids, and feeling surly about the whole thing I retorted that maybe she should have another child instead of me (something along those lines).  Several years later I found out she had just experienced a loss at that time.  She didn't know of my infertility woes and I didn't know of her loss.  We don't know what we don't know.  Ugh.

Also you are making me want Mexican food.

shamrocandroll

@bananapanda Oh noooooooo!    But +1 on wanting Mexican food now.  

sunshinesea22

@bananapanda How can we make a “Things not to say to women of childbearing age” PSA for the whole world?!
@pirateduck Ouch. One of the downsides of no one wanting to talk about the struggles we deal with.
I got my first “Your husband must be so excited!” Comment today when I told a virtual stranger that it’s a boy. I just want to slap people when they say that kid of thing. Like no, he doesn’t want a junior. He doesn’t like his name that much and even if he did, I don’t want a junior. And we would be just as over-the-moon if baby was a girl. As a woman, it makes me feel really sad that people don’t think women have as much value. Mind you this conversation was with 2 other young women.

pirateduck

@sunshinesea22 we haven’t shared the sex yet, but so far the only comments I’ve gotten from people are that hopefully it’s a boy.  Why?  And it’s actually a girl.

afranzen85

@sunshinesea22 @pirateduck I am prepared to go into a full on rage at gender disappointment questions from family and friends if this baby is another girl and an equal rage with questions about excitement if this baby is a boy. Probably an unhealthy way to prepare, but 🤷‍♀️

ruby696

@pirateduck Ewww. I mean, I can understand when people "want" a boy or a girl if someone already has one or multiple of one sex - I don't agree with it, but I get it. But why would it possibly matter when it's the first baby?? And how crappy to have to hear that when you know she's a girl. People suck.

randic22

Definitely makes me ragey. We havent shared the sex either as my husband wanted it to be a surprise for even himself. Only myself, my best friend and my mom know we are having a girl. As a FTM with PCOS I was just overwhelmed and happy I was able to get pregnant and I really didnt care about gender. So, when my FIL said "well if it's not a boy theres always next time...and you know how to make a boy right" followed by a very creepy laugh I just EW. 

I'm with @sunshinesea22 as a woman it makes me feel extremely undervalued. 

rox7777

I love the sex comments. It just makes me so happy. (Insert sarcasm) Our first was a boy and everyone was sooooo happy because MH got a boy. Never mind me. Our second was a boy and suddenly it was not as exciting because we needed a girl. Now we’re having a girl and it’s so exciting and aren’t we done now because we have two boys and a girl. I can’t believe the amount of people willing to ask if I’m getting my tubes tied now. Forget it if you have more than 4, suddenly you’re practically a Duggar. 

m6agua

I get what everyone is saying, but I want to add that wanting a boy or a girl and having some disappointment can be completely normal and is not bad and does not make you a bad person.

When thinking about my future family I always envisioned having a boy first and then a girl. Yes that was the way I imagined things, but I was also aware that I don't get to choose and things will be what they are. I'm the first to admit that when we found out our first was a girl I was a little disappointed. Mainly because of fear of the unknown. Since I always envisioned it the other way, I just needed some time to adjust my visions of the future. I also was a tom boy and I am not super girly, so I was scared that there was a possibility that DD would not be like me and she would be really girly. I didn't know if I would be good at being a "girl mom". It just took me a week or two walking through the girls section in Target and just adjusting my family vision and ideals for life to kick the disappointment and become really excited to be her parent. My feelings were completely valid and OK and no one is going to make me feel guilt or shame for that. DD is amazing, while she plays with all sorts of toys geared towards both sexes and she is a bit more adventurous and daring she is also pretty girly. Her favorite colors are pink and purple, she loves dresses and skirts, and she loves wearing jewelry and pretending to put on makeup. While I had fears of being this mom and not knowing how to do it, I find that I am actually pretty good at it.