June 2019 Moms

Innappropriate Comments/Questions Thread


Re: Innappropriate Comments/Questions Thread

  • @jhems776 I don’t think you need to beat yourself up too much. Do you think it’ll be a big deal if you end up picking a name that doesn’t have that letter? If not, I’d say don’t sweat it too much. If you do think it will be, could you redirect to like “Baby Last Name?” Either way, your LO will be special no matter what. 
  • @amaren-2 what a horrible thing to say I wish people would understand nobody has the right to comment on stuff like that. I'm so sorry I know it always stings more coming from family!
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  • @amaren-2  pardon me if I speak out of turn, but fuck your sister for saying that. That is such garbage. 

    My step mom tried to tell me i was starving the baby bc i showed up at breakfast and said i was starving, she's also criticized me for still wearing jeans saying i should only wear stretchy pants now
  • @jhems776 I also wouldn’t beat yourself up too much. I don’t have kids yet, but my feeling is that unless you’re calling the baby the actual name you plan to use with it, then whatever nickname you come up with for the baby in utero (like Bean or Potato or in your case Little letter), probably won’t even resurface when the baby is born. But if it annoys you to no end anyway, is there a way to ask them nicely to stop? I can see that your fam might call baby Little letter if you end up using the same letter, so that might be an argument against same letter names.

    @cricket1688 WTF? Of course you were starving, it was breakfast. I don’t think I’ve ever woken up and thought, “Oh I’m so full.” Especially not while pregnant. As for the jeans, if they still fit you comfortably, then more power to you. It’s not like you’re squishing the baby. Although you could seize the opportunity to make her buy maternity pants for you if she’s so concerned, haha.

    I saw an old friend who is an OB on NYE. Granted she was fairly drunk and she doesn’t know how much IF BS we went through to conceive, but she said, unprovoked, “Now you have very little risk of miscarriage except for maybe a loose cervix. But even if that happened, they’d just pop another embryo in there and give you a stitch next time.” I hope she’s more sensitive to her actual patients, especially her IF and PGAL ones. If it had been as easy as popping an embryo in, I’d be the mother to a 6-month-old now.
  • @amaren-2 can I kick her? Because that’s awful. It’s as bad as fat shaming (or mom shaming or shaming in general). Ugh sorry. 
  • @amaren-2 and @Bababatty two thumbs down to people who should keep their damn mouths shut. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. 
  • Today I was asked by a friend of my parents who they just told the news to, “So, was it planned?”. I’m 26, and have had several people say I look much younger (like 19-22), so I guess I get it, but really dude? What if I said no?
  • @kdcatmom How is that even anyone’s business?  :open_mouth: Really, the audacity of people when someone announces they’re pregnant is just too much.
  • @kdcatmom
    I don't even know where people get off asking that. 

  • @threepeas5 While it’s nice that people are aware of infertility treatments, it’s unfortunate that they seem to forgot that twins do occur without medical intervention (and they also don’t actually understand enough about infertility interventions to know that multiples are not the norm, but of course that’s neither here nor there in your case). I’m sorry they keep prying. It’s really no one’s business HOW you conceived your children.

    I like @battleangel’s comebacks. If you’re feeling snarky, you could also launch into a lecture about how twins are made from conception. Or, “Forget IVF or sex, we went with cloning.”
  • When we told his family they were all excited. When I told my mom the first thing she asked was what about bills?

    i was torn up massively because it’s my first pregnancy and her first grandkid. So it’s been a rough start. 
  • @firsttimemomma2019 I’m sorry about the rough start. Hopefully your mom is able to be more supportive going forward!
  • When we told his family they were all excited. When I told my mom the first thing she asked was what about bills?

    i was torn up massively because it’s my first pregnancy and her first grandkid. So it’s been a rough start. 
    We had the same reaction, except my MiL was excited but then got pissed literally 5 minutes after we told her because my parents were the first to know and she wasn’t... and it goes on from there. thankfully DH is a saint and has backed me up ever since and she’s calmed way down. 
    I feel like every time I hear stories about someone having the first grandchild, it always goes hand in hand with family going way overboard/apeshit about it. So stressful!
  • @firsttimemomma2019 my parents haven’t laid off DH and I about bills because he’s a freelancer and I work full time. Sorry your folks were less than awesome 
  • @firsttimemomma2019 @battleangel Similar story here. At first my mom thought we were getting a new dog (put my dog in a "big sister" shirt) and was *thrilled* about the idea of a new dog. When I told her no, she was confused and asked very deadpan, "are you pregnant?" And I said yes. She smiled and hugged me, then started talking about her day like nothing happened. 

    Later she asked if my dad and FIL knew and I said yes, and she was FURIOUS she wasn't the first to find out. You weren't even excited!! 

    It just hurts when people say, "your mom must be so excited!" "I'm sure she's helping you so much!" And you just have to fake a smile and say, "yep."
  • @holyboobsbatman exactly! My mom hates that I’m not exactly like her (quitting my job to stay home with the kids) but if I did quit she’d be up my butt about how we were going to pay bills.  “Oh your mom is a saint!” “Huh. Yeah she is.” 
  • @battleangel Try to build another support team around you. That's what I've been doing, and it's a huge help. Family isn't always blood 😊
  • @holyboobsbatman

    oh yes the entire fake smile try not to cry and say nope she hated the idea thing sucks! We told his entire family first basically before my parents because we knew they would be so excited. His sister lives with us and made me take another test just to show her 😂 things have gotten better overall. Slowly but it still gets to me that it was her first reaction. Sidenote - your name cracks me up! Honestly I HATE boobs so with mine getting bigger it’s a PIMA and I hate it but my boyfriend won’t leave me alone with them lol 😂 
  • @firsttimemomma2019 I'm sorry you went through that too. Maybe we'll all be better moms because we won't want our kids to feel the same way. 

    And thank you 😂 This is the first time I've had REAL BOOBS so I'm just as excited as my husband. 
  • ami500ami500 member
    edited January 2019
    When I found out I was pregnant I told my mom and her first reaction was “omg are you kidding me?! This is not good timing!!” Granted at that time my bf was still in the middle of a divorce from his ex wife. So I understand where she was coming from. Since then she’s been supportive and I think it was just another shock for her because we found out she had advanced pancreatic cancer in the summer. It was a lot of stress driving back and forth from home, work, and the hospital. She’s still doing chemo and trying to stay as positive as possible for her future grand baby. 

    The second set of people I told were my girl cousins (we have a group chat on fb) and I told them not to tell anyone yet since I wasn’t ready to tell the rest of the family. I found out from one of my cousins before Christmas that my other cousin told her mom, and her mom is a gossiper and told pretty much everyone on my dad’s side. I fortunately told my estranged dad first before this went down because my dad’s side is notorious for talking shit about everyone. They pretty much dislike me because I don’t see my dad often, but he’s the one that never made time for me growing up and he left me and my mother when I was 8 (going to be 28 this year). After that I was just done with my dad’s side. It’s my right who I tell and at what time. It just sucked that I heard from my cousin that my dad’s side was pretty much talking shit about me and they weren’t supposed to know yet.

    On top of all that said cousin that told her mom about my pregnancy, behind my back started talking shit about me and how I got pregnant while my bf was going through a divorce. She’s like “what was she thinking? She’s ruined her life now getting pregnant.” Then to me she is all happy like “omg so excited to meet this baby!” Cue eye roll. 
  • @ami500  I'm sorry that your father's family is being so horrible to you. I think you're right to be done with them, and definitely drop blabby cousin, too. No more baby updates to her!
  • @Bababatty They are still family by blood but I’m definitely not giving them any updates on baby. Like I understand that I’m not living the life they wanted me to live, but it’s my life! I get to pick and choose what I want to do. 
  • @threepeas5 I have a friend who has twins and got this question (still does and they are 5) ALL THE TIME. She and her husband finally started just telling people random things like "Nope, both aliens" or "Last we checked they were". When delivered with a straight face it did wonders to stop the strangers dead in their tracks.
  • Okay so this one isn't so bad, but I just hate it all the same. When I tell people we are having a girl and they say "Oh girls are the WORST!" or "Girls are sooo much harder!" or "Ugh, good luck [insert terrible comment about their own daughter/niece/granddaughter]" 

    Like, wtf is up with that?

    All kids are difficult at some point, regardless of gender. My son has good days and bad days, he was an easy baby but doesn't mean it had anything to do with him being a boy. As a toddler he's laid back about some things, but other things (like ANY toddler) he flips his lid over. Not to look too deeply, but do we, as a society, think tantrums in toddler boys are more acceptable than girls? Is this the baby/toddler equivalent of boys being outspoken and girls being a B*tch? 
  • @gta4334 I believe that all of it is how society views things. Certain behaviors are tolerated by one or the other gender. It’s the same with gender specific colors/toys. People make comments on what toys kids should/shouldn’t have, etc. 
  • @gta4334 ugh, that general comment (I’ve heard it all my life when people talk about which gender they would rather have) drives me absolutely crazy. As the oldest of six, I’ve watched (and somewhat helped) my mother raise 3 girls and 3 boys. In my experience, each gender typically has its own set of difficulties in different stages. I think a lot of where that comment comes from is the fact that girls can be hard as teenagers, but so can some boys! And they don’t always fall into those gender stereotypes everyone thinks of either. Each and every child is different. Personally, I would be thrilled to find out we’re having a girl at my AS.
  • @ami500 I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. That is so unfair. :(
  • @gta4334 I think you brought up a really interesting point about gender and societal influence. 
    And it starts soooo young!!Here’s a study about gender assumptions as early as 3 months. 

  • That’s insane @raemy12345! I’m mostly team green due to the gender stereotypes I know the world will try force on this poor baby before it’s even born, so by not knowing the gender I’m hoping to put that off for as long as possible. I am trying to be as gender neutral as possible for my baby; its nursery, clothes, toys, etc. but it’s surprisingly hard! I put grey booties and teething ring in my announcement photo and everyone assumed I was having a boy. 

    It makes me uncomfortable when people ask what gender I’m having and make comments about what they think it will be based on how I’m carrying or my symptoms, etc. Like, why does it matter if I’m having a boy or a girl? Especially to you, random target cashier!
  • @wiseh Those Target cashiers, always all up in our business...LOL.

    I admire you for being team green - most of my friends have actually waited to find out sex, but I can't help wanting to find out early. Biggest reason: we have absolutely NO idea what to name LO when they come out - I figure knowing sex will at least relieve us of half of the options.

    (Although I also love androgynous names, so maybe that's just an excuse, ha.)

    I hear ya on the gender assumptions. That's really interesting that when you put up grey (booties) people assumed boy...argh. Society and it's forced expectations.

    I remember reading a study about babies that illustrated how with presumed male babies people described them as "strong" and "tough" and other traditionally masculine words. Of course with presumed female they were described as delicate, beautiful, etc. (The babies were in a gender disguise, if memory serves. Males weearing pink, females in blue, etc.)

    And if we're told things over and over (from literal babyhood when we're still acquiring language) of course these traits are more likely to blossom!

  • @BlondePeanut

    Ack, c’mon people! That’s just not something you say!! Sounds like you took it in stride - and as you mentioned, you’re likely to show way faster/more the second time around! I’m sure you look beautiful <3

    I gained a ton of weight in first tri (ob told me not to worry but it was hard not to when I gained 18 lbs in two months.) 

    Last month the weight slowed (thank goodness!) but I’ve still got a bit more of a tummy than baby has technically earned me - lol. 

    Something I do each week is google “# of weeks bump” to see what a variety of other women looked like at my stage. As a ftm I’m showing a LOT and - seeing pics of other women who did as well are reassuring. 

    It doesn’t sound like this comment bent you out of shape too much, but can you tell it’s a trigger point for me?? Haha
  • There was one that made me so angry. I had just announced it on FB and I was super excited. Now me and the Daddy had been struggling financially for a bit and have been doing much better. But my aunt was the first to comment on the post and she said “Your putting the poor thing up for adoption right?” I was so furious! It took an entire night of Daddy love to calm me down. 
  • Another one of my actual favorites is “what are you hoping to have?” Now they are talking about gender, but lately I have been enjoying saying “I am hoping for a human” because it doesn’t matter to me at all what gender it is. As long as it sex organs, I dont care whether they dangle or not.
  • Oh my gosh @anarose253 that’s so incredibly rude of your aunty!! 

    My partner always says we’re having a microwave when people ask what we’re having 😂😂
  • Had a coworker tell me yesterday "I can't wait for your butt to get big." She's an older, bigger woman. Sorry I'm not fat like you! 🤬
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