Longest Thread EVER! (aka Random Thoughts Thread )

Twirple

Thanks for the support ladies! On the bright side, I am listening to classical music and Bumping while pumping. Rather than taking a selfie, I offer you the view from my pumping room.

RedDawnsRevenge

Is firestone available in many places outside of Ca? I grew up on the other side of the river from the vineyards they own, so it's super local, and 805 comes in a can!

ambarnett1

Hey RTT! :-h

I've been lurking hardcore for the past few days, especially today. Hugs to whoever needs them. High fives to all of you because you all rock!

Super tired. I just want to nap. Thankfully my mom is here watching ds so I can get some homework done. She doesn't know yet, but I'm itching to tell her. Took another like 8 test the past 2 days and finally today the lines got darker. I'm a POAS addict and a crazy momma.

Twirple

With photo this time!

edoliesmom

Sorry @Twirple. I like to think of those kind of dreams as visits from lost loved ones, so even though they're sad to have, there's a silver lining there for me. >:D<

@ambarnett1 Eeee! I would be sooo tempted to tell her if I was you too! When do you plan on spilling the beans to close family?

ambarnett1

Definitely waiting until after the first ultrasound to tell the family as long as I don't get crazy HG again and need help.

snowbound

Yes @MrsW26! I definitely should've taken up the opportunity to meet @celticlullaby but circumstances didn't allow. Boohoo. Now there is no one near me in CNY!

RocksInTheWater

I can't believe our babies will be reaching the 6 month milestone soon!  Is anyone doing professional pics then?  I just realized that it is less than a month away and I'm sure photographers are pretty booked for fall photo shoots.  Also, I need to find something for DS to wear.  Any ideas for cute, fall-ish boy outfits?  @mrscrcalli, I see that P has impeccable taste. Maybe he can make some recommendations??

PoppySeedWindsor

Time to set the record straight.

I haven't lied to any of you.

Go ahead and roll your eyes. Send a gif of pants of fire. At this point, to me, it doesn't matter.

Have I given you all my full life story? No. Because you are people on the internet.

I'm taken back to a communications class I took my fifth year of college. It focused on group think and how the phenomenon can cascade into hysteria. It's especially common today on the internet where we don't have facial expressions to read and trust.

I get that and I understand where many of you are coming from.

I'm a hot mess and have been. Post partum has done a number to me and to my marriage. Being so far away from family has done a number to me and my marriage. I haven't lied though.

Hubster and I have been married a little over two years. We got pregnant within the first five months of dating. Personally, taking a birth control pill freaks me out and, because of my eating disorder that I had for over a decade, I've needed to ensure I have my own period, without the help of the pill. So I've never take it. And condoms work...sometimes. Anyway, we got pregnant and for an abortion. Over the past three+ years of being together we got pregnant four more times. Not because we weren't careful, but because we are fertile people. Three of those were miscarriages. One of those I'm rocking to sleep in my arms right now.

I know that miscarriage and fertility are touchy subjects. I apologize to those who were hurt by my seemingly cavalier reaction. The reason I don't drink is because, for two years, I drank away the guilt I had over the abortion, especially after my first two miscarriages. I am pro choice but can't help but wonder if I made the right decision, knowing how difficult it is for me to retain a pregnancy. This has haunted me and it's not something, quite frankly, that I like to bring up.

It's a dark spot on my marriage. I hid my drinking, much like I did me ED in my earlier years, from my husband. When he found out about it, he was devastated. Lied to by me and my inability to cope with the grief and pains and guilt and self hatred. I've been in counseling for years and have come to acceptance that the body will do what it needs to do, when it's capable of doing so. Our marriage has taken an incredible beating and we still deal with the repercussions of my issues. It's not something I'm proud of. It haunts me everyday and is something we work through every waking moment.

Not every person here is the same. Not every hospital is the same. Not every husband is the same. Not every relationship is the same.

Not every situation fits into a nice, pretty package. This is the internet where speculation and misconception run as amok as lies and deception. It's a bummer.

As I tell a friend who, like me, has a four month old and also had an ED and led a deceptive life: I don't have time for that shit anymore.

And quite frankly, I've realized I don't have time for the bump. Not really. Merriwether is demanding and making leaps and bounds. She rolled over from her back to her front yesterday for the first time. She is my sunshine in this shitty period where I had to drive an hour, bleeding as I explained to my mother in law what was going on. What we knew for so few days. What I knew I would have to tell hubster over the phone because he flew back to Kentucky. Sometimes things suck. A bunch.

But I can either dwell in the loss of something my body wasn't ready for or relish in the child my body created.

I mean, have any of you had a miscarriage with a four month old? How do you deal with grief and loss? Don't you realize everyone is different?

Again, I apologize for the pain you all caused by my pain.

Seems superfluous to even say that, but I'm truly sorry for the memories and trauma you may have experienced.

My life is anything but back to normal. I'm still with my inlaws, thousands of miles away from my husband, focusing the best I can on what I do have in my life: my perfectly healthy and awesome daughter. If I don't focus on her and instead let grieve and frustration and hurt take over, I'm not doing right by her.

Guilty conscious? Confessional? No. Just bummed that this is what you all think of me.

hlm184

LoriMc12 said:

I can't believe our babies will be reaching the 6 month milestone soon!  Is anyone doing professional pics then?  I just realized that it is less than a month away and I'm sure photographers are pretty booked for fall photo shoots.  Also, I need to find something for DS to wear.  Any ideas for cute, fall-ish boy outfits?  @mrscrcalli, I see that P has impeccable taste. Maybe he can make some recommendations??

We'll be doing a shoot on halloween actually, a week before seven months.  We're going to be in the same area as our wedding photographer and he agreed to do a quick shoot with us.  Not sure what to wear!

Vjlewis07

Thanks for the t&p. My mom made it through surgery and is at home recovering. Praying this has fixed the problem and she can avoid a hysterectomy.

thomas930

@Twirple Hugs. Its ok to be sad and miss that baby. 

avidkeo

Hugs @twirple.

mrscrcalli

Hugs @Twirple‌ and @poru >:D<

Twirple

@Poru I totally understand what you are saying.  Even talking to DH about it, he doesn't really understand.  I have had a full miscarriage and then lost Carlene's twin.  Since I had a successful and "boring" pregnancy after we lost the twin, he has said we have lost one baby.  To me, we have lost two.  I had three weeks of thinking about being a Mom to twins and their older brother.

At the same time, I'll admit that it is easier with just DS and DD.  This morning I was holding them both on my lap. one on each leg.  That is much harder to do with three kids.

It messes with your head.

Hugs to you too, and if you ever need someone to vent to/talk about this with, I'm here and can sympathize.

Serenla

@Twirple ((hugs)) I'm sorry and PPs are right, the grief will come about no matter how long it's been. It's that small voice in the back of your mind that whispers "I should have a 9 month old," but it's ok to feel it. Mourn the loss and take comfort in your LOs, as always feel free to reach out to us.

edoliesmom

I'm an idiot and don't deserve to be an adult. Can someone PLEASE explain insurance to me?? High deductible is less expensive a month right? But you pay more out of pocket if an accident or something happens, right? So, low deductible is "better" because the less you have to pay out of pocket, therefore it would make your monthly bill higher. Right!? 8-} :-??

Serenla

@poru said:

@twirple I am still right there with you.  I had a little freak out at my mom a couple weeks ago, cause anytime something is hard with the baby, she would say "luckily you didn't end up having twins."  And finally I broke and told her how sad that made me and that I wanted her to stop saying it.  And all she could say was "I would think you would be relieved to only have one."  Yes its easier, but dear lord mother, I lost a child.  And she just didn't get it and thought I was being emotional.  And in some ways I get that because I don't even consider myself a "loss mama" since I had a successful pregnancy and a beautiful little girl.  It's emotionally confusing.  Big hugs.

Wow what an insensitive thing that she said, I'm so sorry. ((Hugs)) You did lose a baby and I think many people just don't know how to react.

Twirple

edoliesmom said:

I'm an idiot and don't deserve to be an adult. Can someone PLEASE explain insurance to me?? High deductible is less expensive a month right? But you pay more out of pocket if an accident or something happens, right? So, low deductible is "better" because the less you have to pay out of pocket, therefore it would make your monthly bill higher. Right!? 8-} :-??

Yep, that pretty much covers it.  

UnofficiallyLO

edoliesmom said:

I'm an idiot and don't deserve to be an adult. Can someone PLEASE explain insurance to me?? High deductible is less expensive a month right? But you pay more out of pocket if an accident or something happens, right? So, low deductible is "better" because the less you have to pay out of pocket, therefore it would make your monthly bill higher. Right!? 8-} :-??

Yes! Some people can hit a deductible just fine and ride the insurance wave out the rest of the year but I made the mistake of choosing a plan like that when I was 19 and single and I never hit it, duh! So although my payments were lower, I had to pay out of pocket for everything.

Serenla

I'm still side eying this shit and that rambling explanation.

Call me a bitch if you want.

chichi589

@edoliesmom‌ I work in car insurance don't feel bad most people have no clue about their coverage. To me it's worth a lower deductible because I don't have a ton of money laying around in case something happens and I need a car. Id rather pay more in a monthly payment then a lump sum.

edoliesmom

@Twirple @UnofficiallyLO Then can someone explain to me why when I put it at a higher deductible on these quotes for bodily injury and property damange, uninsured motorist stuff and personal protection blah blah it makes my monthly payments higher?

chichi589

@edoliesmom‌ is it raising your liability limits as well?

edoliesmom

@chichi589 Can I PM you?

misskristina21

Poppy, I want to believe you so much. But it also burns me. I did have more than one m/c, and hard a hard time conceiving DD2. I grieved every single m/c just with DH. I couldn't imagine not telling him. But that is neither here not there. What gets me is the claim of being in a psych ward/hospital. I have been in one, twice. Once as a teenager for 2 weeks, once when DD1 was an infant, and that was for a month. I missed 32 days of my child's life because I was sick. I was in a terrible place in life, I attempted suicide while the light of my life was an infant. I was not able to see her, or my husband for more than an hr at a time, and that was after the initial 72hrs. The only phone I had was a community phone, that was "turned off" at 10 pm. No Internet, no cell phones. It was the darkest period of my life. I had lab work done and a urine test. If you were 10 weeks pregnant they would have known. If you made that up, that would disgust me. It is nothing to make fun of.

Rant over. And hi RTT, been an infrequent poster due to a lot of sleep issues at our house!

chichi589

@edoliesmom‌ Of course!

SoulTermination

Sick, menstruating mama with a toothache and a sick, teething baby.

Eff you too, universe.

J&NL

I keep getting this strange feeling that
I'm pregnant. Maybe I'm just supposed to have my period right now and since I have a mirena (which takes away my period) I just feel the symptoms but no actual period? I think I'll POAS tomorrow just to be sure.

Teresa1896

PoppySeedWindsor said:

Time to set the record straight.

I haven't lied to any of you.

Go ahead and roll your eyes. Send a gif of pants of fire. At this point, to me, it doesn't matter.

Have I given you all my full life story? No. Because you are people on the internet.

I'm taken back to a communications class I took my fifth year of college. It focused on group think and how the phenomenon can cascade into hysteria. It's especially common today on the internet where we don't have facial expressions to read and trust.

I get that and I understand where many of you are coming from.

I'm a hot mess and have been. Post partum has done a number to me and to my marriage. Being so far away from family has done a number to me and my marriage. I haven't lied though.

Hubster and I have been married a little over two years. We got pregnant within the first five months of dating. Personally, taking a birth control pill freaks me out and, because of my eating disorder that I had for over a decade, I've needed to ensure I have my own period, without the help of the pill. So I've never take it. And condoms work...sometimes. Anyway, we got pregnant and for an abortion. Over the past three+ years of being together we got pregnant four more times. Not because we weren't careful, but because we are fertile people. Three of those were miscarriages. One of those I'm rocking to sleep in my arms right now.

I know that miscarriage and fertility are touchy subjects. I apologize to those who were hurt by my seemingly cavalier reaction. The reason I don't drink is because, for two years, I drank away the guilt I had over the abortion, especially after my first two miscarriages. I am pro choice but can't help but wonder if I made the right decision, knowing how difficult it is for me to retain a pregnancy. This has haunted me and it's not something, quite frankly, that I like to bring up.

It's a dark spot on my marriage. I hid my drinking, much like I did me ED in my earlier years, from my husband. When he found out about it, he was devastated. Lied to by me and my inability to cope with the grief and pains and guilt and self hatred. I've been in counseling for years and have come to acceptance that the body will do what it needs to do, when it's capable of doing so. Our marriage has taken an incredible beating and we still deal with the repercussions of my issues. It's not something I'm proud of. It haunts me everyday and is something we work through every waking moment.

Not every person here is the same. Not every hospital is the same. Not every husband is the same. Not every relationship is the same.

Not every situation fits into a nice, pretty package. This is the internet where speculation and misconception run as amok as lies and deception. It's a bummer.

As I tell a friend who, like me, has a four month old and also had an ED and led a deceptive life: I don't have time for that shit anymore.

And quite frankly, I've realized I don't have time for the bump. Not really. Merriwether is demanding and making leaps and bounds. She rolled over from her back to her front yesterday for the first time. She is my sunshine in this shitty period where I had to drive an hour, bleeding as I explained to my mother in law what was going on. What we knew for so few days. What I knew I would have to tell hubster over the phone because he flew back to Kentucky. Sometimes things suck. A bunch.

But I can either dwell in the loss of something my body wasn't ready for or relish in the child my body created.

I mean, have any of you had a miscarriage with a four month old? How do you deal with grief and loss? Don't you realize everyone is different?

Again, I apologize for the pain you all caused by my pain.

Seems superfluous to even say that, but I'm truly sorry for the memories and trauma you may have experienced.

My life is anything but back to normal. I'm still with my inlaws, thousands of miles away from my husband, focusing the best I can on what I do have in my life: my perfectly healthy and awesome daughter. If I don't focus on her and instead let grieve and frustration and hurt take over, I'm not doing right by her.

Guilty conscious? Confessional? No. Just bummed that this is what you all think of me.

Qfp.

Serenla

J&NL said:

I keep getting this strange feeling that
I'm pregnant. Maybe I'm just supposed to have my period right now and since I have a mirena (which takes away my period) I just feel the symptoms but no actual period? I think I'll POAS tomorrow just to be sure.

I did that not too long ago, turns out it was just stress lol. GL!

UnofficiallyLO

@edoliesmom‌ sorry I thought you were talking about health insurance. I lease so I'm kind of ignorant beyond the requirements they give you on coverage.

TallaB

:^o

Teresa1896

Poppy, I hope you're getting the mental health treatment you need. Whatever's going on in your life, you need support.

Ashleypixie

@twirple That actually made tears well up. I can't imagine. ((((Hugs)))) and @poru that's a pretty awful thing of your mom to say. ((((Hugs)))) as well.

tamaraaaa

Quoted for posterity, just in case she goes back to delete it.

Where is that "what I look like bumping" post??  It's something like this.

Serenla

mommyofmac said:

What does Qfp mean? :-??

Quote for.. posterity? Purpose? It's in case of a dd.

edoliesmom

@Teresa1896 Good thinking! I never remember to do that.

TallaB

dani+california said:

:^o

I like how you just check in every now and then to deliver a zinger. I like you.

LOL. I am a very busy person.

edoliesmom

Okay @chichi589 YGPM now.