Ask a BTDT Mom

hham10 · May 2020

@elmich3 me! When my 3rd was born I had a 2.5 year old son, 1.5 year old daughter, and then the newborn. I was terrified and it was also unexpected but I will say for us that was the EASIEST transition. He was a great baby and we were already so used to the chaos it wasn’t bad. They are now 5.5, 4, and 2.5. Life is insane daily And there’s a lot of yelling lol but we decided to add a fourth!

I do remember pregnancy being so dang exhausting especially at the end (it was summer). I struggled with playing and my husband definitely had to take on the brunt of the work. Hang in there I promise you’ll be ok!

babymakes9 · May 2020

@elmich3 me! I had 3 under 3 and then 4 under 5! You will survive it! It's a crazy whirlwind, but fun as well.

elmich3 · May 2020

@JBcakes08 It makes me feel so much better knowing someone else is surviving and doing it lol. I feel the same way, we planned it this way so it's what we wanted but MAN some days I just sit in the chaos thinking, what am I gonna do.. lol Such a blur! I have a really hard time feeling understood as all my family and friends have kids spaced at least 3 years apart. I feel like I'm barely keeping up and just trying to make it through the day so I get down on myself for not thriving right now haha

elmich3 · May 2020

@babymakes9 @hham10 Thank you! You've made me feel better

My husband is definitely being superdad and doing everything around here right now! I absolutely love being a mom and I love babies (which makes me nervous that I'll want 4 lol) but it's easy for me to feel like I'm drowning right now and bit off more than I can chew! It's so so nice to hear about other moms rocking it

dobiemom11 · May 2020

My FIL passed away eight years ago. My MIL started dating this guy five years ago and recently married him. Her kids aren't the biggest fan of him, but my husband and I work hard to include him in things. He does make her happy even if he isn't the guy we necessarily want to spend a lot of time with. He is so excited to be a "grandpa" with this baby. He has many grandchildren from his children. My husband and I don't think we want to call him grandpa, but any suggestions on how to gently break that news? Also any cute names to include him and show respect without the official title?

gh1219 · May 2020

@dobiemom11 my grandmothers husband was called "papa mike" in my family and my grandfathers wife was called "nani" (short for nancy). I don't recall ever calling either "grandma/pa". Maybe a cute similar nickname would be a good fit??

babymakes9 · May 2020

@dobiemom11 my grandfather was technically my step- grandfather, I called him "grandpa bob " and my kids have a "nana" their grandfather's long time girlfriend.

BmcD2016 · May 2020

@dobiemom11 maybe you should ask him what he wants to be called. There’s a chance that he has something in mind that isn’t grandpa. What do his other grandkids call him? And also consider how your child will feel when at a family gathering with other grandchildren of his. If your child can’t call him grandpa, but sees him as grandpa like the other kids do, will that make your child feel left out?

willashbaby · May 2020

@dobiemom11 my Son calls my Mother's husband "Papa", FWIW he's an excellent grandparent. He chose his own moniker.

dobiemom11 · May 2020

@gh1219, @babymakes9, @BmcD2019, and @willashbaby. Thanks for all the suggestions. I think it will be complicated, but this gives us some ideas.

babymakes9 · May 2020

willashbaby said:

@dobiemom11 my Son calls my Mother's husband "Papa", FWIW he's an excellent grandparent. He chose his own moniker.

I would like to 2nd that in my experience ALL grandparents choose their own monikers. My kids have a Grandma Rodda, Traveling Granny (married to) Grandpa Jack, Bumpa (with longtime girl friend) Nana, and an Oma (married to) an Opa, and deceased Grandpa Tom. The only moniker we had a say in is my father who was deceased before they were born. (Grandpa Tom)

bearmomma1 · May 2020

At this point for my DD who's 22 mo, all grandpa's are 'papa' and all 'grandma's are "mama" she has 3 of each...lol Not sure if they'll get their own special names or what.

dobiemom11 · May 2020

@babymakes9 My dad keeps telling me that the baby gets to name the grandparents. I misprounced Grandpa and it turned into Grampee. And then just became Pee with the other kids. But my mom keeps trying out different names with him to see how they fit. My MIL decided she is a Grammy like the awards! We will see how this evolves.

laurenspdx · May 2020

My family is Polish so my grandparents were Babci and Dziadzi - you can imagine how those went over with little kids. They evolved into more like “barchi” and “jarji” and we still called them that as adults.

My dad has opted for “grumpy,” another unique one haha

bearmomma1 · May 2020

@laurenspdx I call my grandpa "grumpa"

shelmcclel · May 2020

@dobiemom11my MIL also decided she is Grammy! I think it’s such a cute name. My dad and stepmom have just opted for grandma and grandpa. My stepdad will be Papo Clay - his dad was Papo and my stepsisters kids call him that already. They’ll have a great-grandma on my stepdads side who is Abuela (they are Cuban).

Both my mom and FIL passed away in the past two years so unfortunately our child/ren will have a limited # of “Blood related”
grandparents. If my MIL remarried I think that would be hard for my Husband and SIL to accept, but I just see it as our baby will have an extra grandpa to love him/her. I think it’s because I grew up with divorced parents so am just used to the extra family.

I totally understand your hesitation to call the new husband grandpa especially if he’s not everyone’s cup of tea. I think from the kid’s perspective, they won’t look at him any differently than as a grandparent, though. But, I can only speak from my own experience.

linds0503 · June 2020

@dobiemom11 we have a similar situation. We don't see my mother-in-law much. I think she might be more of a fb Grandma who likes to do her own thing most of the time. Anyway, I make it very clear that he is Grandpa Jerry, eventhough my MIL often calls him Grandpa to our daughter. I think it is important to have a distinction. At the end of the day this is a person I and my husband have only known for a few years, and we do not have the history or the trust that comes from a long term relationship. It is hard and messy, but like others have said, with the grandparents children get close to there is often some negotiation between the child and the "grandparent" what they get called. My daughter called my mom something weird last week, and it drove her crazy.

akoros · June 2020

@laurenspdx My family is Ukrainian, so we're in a similar boat. I haven't expressly asked, but nearly positive my mom wants to be "Babbi" and my dad will be "Didi" (pronounced "djee-djee", like a soft "g"). As a child my mom couldn't say "Didi" for her grandfather and wound up pronouncing it with a hard "g" ("ghih-ghee"), which stuck. My in-laws are a mishmash of heritages, so they'll just be Grandma and Grandpa. They already have two grandkids who call them that, so I don't see our kid choosing to do anything differently. Makes things easy, I know there's little chance of overlap in the preferred names on either side.

laurenspdx · June 2020

@akoros Ya! The sounds are really similar in Polish. My parents kind of wanted to keep the tradition going but thought it’d be too hard for the kids to say.

akoros · June 2020

Question: should I be starting to use stretch mark cream? I'm at 10 weeks and don't have any marks, but wondering if they're the kind of thing that's easier to prevent rather than get rid of once they're there.

Follow up: any recommendations for stretch mark cream? I found some good reviews of TriLastin, also Bio Oil and Mederma. If I get anything now it'll be more for prevention than treatment, so I don't know if that changes the reccs.

jelososhervy · June 2020

I honestly don't believe in any creams. I think its genetics. I didnt use any special creams nor did I care about stretch marks (i don't mind the way the look), but my belly was itchy last time so I used basic body lotion on it after showers. Zero stretch marks. Same as my mom after 6 kids.
I'd be curious to hear if anyone else has a similar experience.

akoros · June 2020

@jelososhervy, thanks! I'm itchy, too, which is why I'm thinking about it (belly and chest). I think you're right that genetics play the biggest role and there's not much that can be done about that, just curious if there was something that could be done to somewhat help.

willashbaby · June 2020

In my experience (and all of my friends who have had kids), it's your skin. You're either going to get them or you're not. The oils and creams help with itchiness in general. If you do get them you can fade them to white faster with retinol creams (after you're done breastfeeding if you do) but that's generally about it.

bearmomma1 · June 2020

@akoros I used coconut oil last time after every shower, and I found my old jar in my maternity clothes bin so I plan to use it again. Never got any stretch marks and it helped keep tummy smooth and hydrated without feeling oily/sticky at all. The oil is solid in the jar, but when you rub it on your warm tummy after a shower it turns to a oil

akoros · June 2020

@bearmomma1 Thank you! I have a huge bottle of coconut oil from when I made some salt scrub, so good to know that helps with the itch

laurenspdx · June 2020

I’ve just been making sure I’m hydrated and I use standard moisturizer after the shower. Hoping that’s enough but I’m not too worried either way.

shelmcclel · June 2020

Hi guys - any moms previously used the Uppa Baby Vista or Cruz strollers? Lots of recommendations from friends to get these and after seeing in person I’m leaning toward the Cruz since we are only planning to have 1. My question is - What are your thoughts on the snug seat vs. bassinet??

readermom1 · June 2020

@akoros Last time my SIL gave me a tub of body butter from the body shop and that really soothed my itching. I agree with the others about stretch marks though. You are either prone to them or you aren’t.

BmcD2016 · June 2020

My stomach looks exactly like my mom’s and I’m talking stretch marks all over and about 4 inches higher than my belly button. I used Shea butter lotion with my first and I still got them. So genetics for sure. Younger me was very upset, but older wiser me doesn’t mind them as they’re now very faded and they don’t change with each pregnancy since.

willashbaby · June 2020

@shelmcclel I had a City Mini GT but for this one I'm getting the Uppa G Luxe for an Umbrella. Since I live near the city and do go often enough with littles I found a good umbrella to be well worth it.

conni0205 · June 2020

@BmcD2016 that’s interesting! I got them very bad with my first, I am hoping they aren’t any worse this time. I don’t mind them but would also not mind having anymore then I already do lol

elmich3 · June 2020

Epidural question...

For my last two pregnancies, I got an epidural. The first time, I was in labor for 42 hours and it wore off quite a bit. My second time, I made it to 8cm dialated no problem, but just got it because I didn't want to miss my window.

The thing is, with my second, the guy spent 30 minutes putting in my epidural and hit so many nerves it was crazy. I still have a numb spot in my back and areas that tingle when I'm stressed.

So I guess I'm just curious about having no epidural this time around.. I really don't want anymore nerve damage but I don't know if I can handle it. I've never seen myself to be an "all natural" type. Any input or advice from someone who has done is without?

babymakes9 · June 2020

@elmich3 i've never had an epidural. Their is pain medicine they can put in the iv up to a certain point in the labor that can help you rest between contractions and take the edge off.

emmaknits · June 2020

@elmich3 I went no epidural with both of my kids. I feel like I am a pretty big baby with pain generally. I used the hypnobabies home study course. I liked it and it helped me to have something to focus on.

jelososhervy · June 2020

@elmich3 i ended up taking the epidural last time and they tried twice and it didn't work, both times i puked. So I'm definitely going without now, I already know how the pain feels and without the confusion and false hope I'm sure it'll be better. I've been told some people just have bad reactions.
Plus there are studies that prove it prolongs labour
But! My two friends were talking about the moment it kicked in like it was nirvana, they loved it. So to each their own...

willashbaby · June 2020

I was lucky that I had a good experience. I labored for 18 hours without it BUT I didn't make much progress, only 3/4. They said they would admit me if I was getting an epidural. I caved, got it, then they broke my water. After that I slept for 3 hours (glorious) and I dilated about 1cm per hour. DS ended up with shoulder dystocia and I needed a level 3 episiotomy and they had to reach in to get him out. It was painful enough WITH the epidural (and I might have needed a crash section), if I hadn't had the epidural I can't even imagine. I'm team "labor as long as you can" and then get the epidural.

hham10 · June 2020

I tried no epidural with my first and couldn’t handle the pain. I made it like 8 hours out of 24.

gh1219 · June 2020

MH and I were just debating whether we will need one diaper bag or two. We will be splitting primary care giving - he will be getting the baby to school every morning and he works fewer hours than I do so will probably have more solo time with him. I thought we would have one each and put what we want in it for when we take the baby. But he seems to think that's ridiculous... "we can share one diaper bag just like we share one baby." Any thoughts on this? 🤣

bearmomma1 · June 2020

@gh1219 Haha we were opposite; My H wanted his own diaper bag thinking we’d want our own stuff in our own bags. But really 1 worked out the best. He would never remember to re-stock everything, keep a few extra pairs of clothes, and make sure to always have what was needed in his bag. I think having one is the easiest...like your H said, share one bag like you share the one baby. 😅. Bag goes where baby goes!

jelososhervy · June 2020

I vote 1 bag!

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