Ask a BTDT Mom

willashbaby

Many of us have "been there done that", if you're new to this, ask away! Opinions and experiences will vary (of course) but that's why it's good to ask! Let us know, what're you wondering about?

dancingtreepose

Do symptoms (like nausea) go away and then reappear a different day?  Or is it more like you have a certain symptom for so long and then it passes?

willashbaby

@dancingtreepose that is ALL over the map! I experienced it exactly once for two minutes during my pregnancy with my son. Other people I know had it everyday, throughout various points of the day (calling it "morning" sickness is misleading). I had one friend who legitimately had hyperemesis gravidarum for both pregnancies (after the second she got her tubes tied). For MOST people I know who had it it would resolve by the end of the first tri (once the placenta is fully functional). Truly though, if you're suffering talk to your doc. Diclegis is real and it works for most women. 

bearmomma1

@dancingtreepose ^^  What @willashbaby said. Everybody and every pregnancy is different. Plus every day seems to be difference. For me, some days I'm more nauseous than others. I'm not sure what makes it different, just have to blame the hormones!

antera23

@dancingtreepose in my experience yes. Symptoms can come and go. I was pretty sick with my son but some days I was less sick than others or didn’t start feeling sick until later in the day. 

mom_of_the_vogels

Same as what the other ladies said. Each pregnancy is different. Each trimester is different. Each day is different. 

I always hold out hope that if there is one especially rough symptom it will change in the next trimester. This time it is exhaustion and nausea/appetite. Crossing my fingers they ease up in a few more weeks.

gh1219

I'm trying to find a daycare for the baby, most places have years long waiting lists near our house.  Just the thought of leaving the baby brings me to tears and it's still nearly a year away.... Am I going to get over this or is it one of those lingering feelings that always stays with you?

willashbaby

@gh1219 I was OK because daycare was/is my Mom. I had to go back to work after 6 weeks and I was NOT comfortable with a daycare. Do you have to use a daycare? How old will the baby be when you do need care?

gh1219

@willashbaby we don't have family around and were thinking the 60h daycare + part time nanny route.  We are both surgeons, I work 80+h/week because I'm still in training and MH works about 60, but he is often stuck in long evening surgeries and has an unpredictable schedule.  So the options are daycare + evenings and weekend nanny coverage or two full time nannies.  The cost difference is thousands per month, which is why we are leaning daycare + part time nanny.  I also don't get any parental leave and we are scraping 6 weeks together between the two of us, but that's for another rant thread.  But baby will need to start at 6 weeks old.

Obviously this is unsettling to me and makes me upset even to think about, but we know that this is how the majority of working families make their childcare work so I'll just have to get over it, right?

willashbaby

@gh1219 would you consider a live in nanny? With a schedule like yours (as long as you have the space) that's the route I'd go. They're quite common where I live. 

sierra2020

@gh1219 Another option might be a local nanny share? Some parents will “share” a nanny with one or two other kids and they are all taken care of in one home. It can sometimes be a more affordable in-between option! Also try finding local mom groups on Facebook and see if they have any affordable, trustworthy recommendations.

luckypenny11

@gh1219 - it’s really, really hard. I had a 12 week leave and still struggled with the abrupt shift from spending all day with the baby to only nights and weekends. That being said - it DOES get easier, especially if you like your job. I’m in the medical field as well (veterinarian), and getting to use my skills again was satisfying enough to help smooth the transition.  I went the daycare route and it works for my kiddo - she really enjoys the social aspect. It’s a bit more expensive than the other places we looked at, but the peace of mind was ultimately worth it.  If you do go the daycare route, I would factor in distance from your house/hospital, since weather/illness/etc can end up having a huge impact on your schedule and how much awake time you have with your LO. 

US maternity leave policies (or rather, lack thereof) are a joke - rant on! 

linds0503

@gh1219 it is hard leaving baby. But what I have come to appreciate is how much fun my child has there and always seems to have had a great time at childcare. I also enjoy that I am able to be present for her when we are together, which was very difficult the times I have been at home with her over extended periods. In the first year, I would drive across town to feed her during my lunch break. I am still unsure if it was worth it. It helped me emotionally, but I don't think she got a good feed and I ate way too much fast-food that year. I guess my overall point is that I love what daycare has given her, which is a more stimulating and social environment than I could have provided her with alone.

Hetta05

@gh1219 it is definitely hard to leave baby with someone that you don’t really know, but as PPs said, there are definite pros to the situation, too. And once you get back into the swing of things, it will get easier. I definitely cried dropping DD off the first day, but we’ve been lucky to have the same daycare provider from day one (so six years now) and she loves our kids so much, and they love her. They have friends and they get so much out of being there. 

chapenroe

@gh1219, I second @RookieAlert recommendation of the nanny share. My son has shared a nanny with a little girl since he was 5 months old- we found her family on the NextDoor app. I love that the babies get companionship throughout the day, and it's also more affordable than a dedicated nanny for 1 child. The nanny is from Brazil and she speaks to the babies in Portuguese. Like you, I work long hours and can't really leave work to pick up my child if something happened at daycare (ie: son got sick). Daycare just wasn't flexible enough for us. The nanny share is about $700/month more than daycare would be, so it's a serious amount of money, but we found ways to tighten our budget in other areas. We also get light housekeeping and meals cooked every other week when the nanny's at our house.  

Prior to settling on the nanny share we researched a few Au Pair programs that looked great too. 

bearmomma1

Au Pair's are big in our area and sound like it might be a great option since you and H both work long hours!

But for daycare experience, we LOVE it! The hardest part about this shelter in place is that our DD doesn't get to see her friends and teachers anymore. It was super hard when we first started, she was about 11 months. It took almost a month for me to be able to drop her off without her crying..but she was always happy and playing when we went to pick her up. She learns so much from the teachers there and I love that she's made friends. Makes me so sad that she's losing out on that experience right now.

gh1219

Oh man you guys!  @willashbaby @RookieAlert @luckypenny11 @linds0503 @Hetta05 @chapenroe @bearmomma1 thank you for your insights!!!  Lots to think about.  Everything is still on the table, will definitely keep an open mind and look into some other things like the nanny share which I haven't heard about.  Glad to know that lots of your babes are having great experiences at daycare/school!

llamamamawearspajamapants

I would second the nanny share route! You have plenty of time to find a good nanny family who lives close by and then together look for a nanny when it gets closer.

We had a shared nanny for a year (5 months to 16 months) and it was great. Once DD hit 16 months it was easier to find toddler openings (infant openings/ childcare searching was the most stressful thing ever). DD took about two weeks to adjust to any new care arrangement, but has really come to love her daycare teachers and friends.

I would tell my past self or other new moms that there are multiple options out there that will work and your baby will absolutely bond with a new caretaker. It’s gonna be okay. You are still a good mom.

If you’re looking for books on postpartum adjustment issues, I highly recommend:

The Fifth Trimester
Work, Pump, Repeat
How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

jelososhervy

@gh1219 i dont have any tips I just wanna say I bow to you! Both surgeons saving other people's lives and having to go back to work after 6 weeks. Thats tough. Maternity leave here is 12 months. I will never understand why it's like that in the States. You all are amazing.

mindyb2019

@jelososhervy where is it that you live that you get 12 months maternity leave? 

willashbaby

@mindyb2019 probably Canada. They really are SO much better than the US is so many ways. If I could relocate tomorrow I would. 

thankfullyamama

@gh1219 @mindyb2019 @willashbaby in Ontario we get 12 months Maternity leave which can be extended up to 18 months which is absolutely fantastic however money wise we only get “topped up” to 85% of our normal wages for the first 7 months and after that is is just an unemployment pay which is significantly less than what the average  joe takes home! I couldn’t imagine only being given 6 weeks, I feel for anyone who has to go back sooner than 6 months! However some our doctors here are in a similar boat where they are technically self employed and so they too don’t get a maternity leave unless they set aside money for themselves and just take time off which is equally as ridiculous! 

willashbaby

@tryingktogku we don't even "get" 6 weeks. Previously with my job (and I'm a teacher in the largest union in the country) we got "six weeks" of using our own saved sick days, if you didn't have days saved, you got no pay. Only the federal FMLA (family medical leave act) which allows for up to 12 weeks UNPAID, you just can't get fired and you get to "keep" your medical benefits. That's it. Just recently New York added actual family benefits as part of it's unemployment. It's been ramping up the last few years so that by the time this baby comes my DH can take 12 weeks at 67% pay (up to the state average) so it's much better than before when he would have had nothing. My own union now covers us for 6 weeks at actual pay (but it's through our union, not paid by the government). After the 6 weeks paid we can take an additional 6 weeks IF we have accrued sick days OR unpaid. 

thankfullyamama

@willashbaby that is brutal! I can’t believe how far behind the US is with their mat leaves when they’ve done all the studies on how beneficial it is for mom to stay home with baby for the first 6month-year of life! 

willashbaby

@tryingktogku it's truly disgusting. I've been fighting/voting for universal health coverage and better parental leave since I could vote. It's so disappointing here. I have a few friends in Toronto and others in Ontario that I met from my former BMB. I visited them all at a GTG October 2018, if I could move I would!

gh1219

^^^ I second all this!!!

It's disgusting and unhealthy for families.  I have zero parental leave and have to use vacation time and borrow unused time from prior years.  I'm going to string together about 4 weeks of leave after the baby is born and work full schedule up til delivery.
My husband just joined a new group and he fought hard to get 2 weeks parental leave written into his contract after the partners laughed at him when he first asked for parental leave.
So we combined will get the baby to 6 weeks old.  Obviously we hope we have no problems for lots of reasons but for that reason as well.

mindyb2019

@tryingktogku ya in BC Canada were the same as you. We get 12 months maternity leave which you can now extend to 18 months. I feel for you ladies in the U.S. that only get 6 weeks. That BS!! I couldn't imagine leaving my 6 week old baby and going back to work.  

BmcD2016

I will get 8 weeks because of having a c-section, but it still never seems like enough time. I’ve always considered just stretching it out to the 12 weeks that FMLA provides but when you’re taking 8 weeks at only 55% pay, that’s hard to justify another 4 weeks. 

charmedlifex3

I get 16 weeks, full pay, bonding, and as much as I need if medical complications send me out on short term. I have six months short term, and long term kicks in after that. After pushing through working on bed rest last time and being in the hospital for almost a month, only to go back six weeks later before my doctor felt completely comfortable... that’s amazing and I am so grateful 

thankfullyamama

I have a question for all you BDTD moms! How much did you lives change having your first child? What’s the best ways and the not so glorious ways? 

willashbaby

@tryingktogku that's a VERY complicated question! 

My Mother had twins when I was 17 (surprise pregnancy at 39!). I helped her raise them (was basically their part time Nanny) so I was well warned about babies and how much they change things. I'll start with the not so glorious.

With that said, the biggest things I didn't expect: DH. We were together for a VERY long time. We started dating at 15 and 16, married at 22 and 23, did not have a baby until we were 29 and 30. He is the one who wanted to have a baby, I could have gone either way. He did not do well with the newborn adjustment. The sleep loss, the sudden responsibility of it all. We had our biggest fight of our relationship with me ready to pack up and leave about 3 months in. Thankfully we worked through it and things improved steadily after that. But it's def something to look out for. That was the hardest thing for me. 

BREASTFEEDING. I was fully brainwashed by the "breast is best" movement. Right after I gave birth and all was finally calm and my son was getting cleaned up by our delivery nurse, I heard her comment, "oh wow, look at that tongue tie and that tight little chin, you're going to have fun breastfeeding him". I was just post-delivery and didn't even process what she said. He "latched" right away and then we were up to the full recovery room. Breastfeeding continued, the next day the lactation coach poked her head in and asked if all was well, I thought it was. I went to the bfing seminar. A Dad was there so none of us really felt comfortable "demonstrating". Back to my room I went. All seemed to be going well. Discharged the next day, DS had a cephalohematoma and some jaundice from our rough delivery, I was set to go to the pedi the next day.

When we got home he was just screaming and screaming. He looked so much smaller than he had. I was feeding him and he just kept popping off and screaming and screaming. Something told me it just wasn't working. I read my bfing book over and over, no help. I finally read something about squeezing out milk onto a spoon and giving it to the baby. I squeezed drops of colostrum and gave it to him and he gulped, seeming so relieved. That's when I realized he mustn't have been getting anything. I was furious at the hospital. When I went to the pedi the next day she told me to continue trying but to supplement. TG I listened to her. We did everything, his tie was so severe he just could not get a good latch. I also had a very low supply (milk didn't come in for a week). I spent my entire 6 week mat leave stressing over bfing and trying to get his tie fixed. There's more to it but in the end I ended up exclusively pumping and supplementing when needed. I did not anticipate any of that. For this one, I'll be requesting a pump right away in the hospital and that will be that. It was honestly my biggest stressor and once I found "fed is best" and combo feeding, we were so much happier. 

The BEST ways for me are now. I'm cool with babies, but kids, I LOVE kids. My son is my little guy, I love our time as a family. I love watching him learn and become his own person. His smiles melt my heart, when he goes for a walk and brings me back a flower I am so genuinely happy. I'm excited for this baby because HE'S excited for this baby. Having survived the baby part once, I def look forward to the kid part the most. I know he's going to come stomping like a dinosaur into my room at 7:30 tomorrow morning to wake me up with a kiss and I'm looking forward to it!

bearmomma1

@willashbaby You explained it so well!!!

I think the newborn/baby phase sucks to be honest! Sorry, that may be a FFFC. I had some variation and PPD (undiagnosed) but I know I had a harder time that some adjusting. My H and I had been together 8 years before we had our DD. Same as @willashbaby, my H wanted the kid, I had to be persuaded. Although he adjusted wonderfully to being a father. He was up at every MOTN feed and he was patient when I wasn’t. 

The hardest part for me was feeling stuck at home being a milk maker. It felt like that’s all I was ever going to do for the rest of my life. I would sit in the backyard and watch people walk by enjoying their summer and I would cry because I felt like this baby wasn’t going to let me do anything because I was always on the clock waiting for the next feed and she ate about every 2 hours for the first few months. I agree the pressures of breastfeeding caused a lot of this stress and anxiety. 

Around 4 months I ran out of my frozen supply and knew I had to start supplementing with formula. Once I started that it’s like a weight lifted off my shoulders and I could see the light at the other end. I think around 6 months when she was fully formula fed and starting solids is when I started to enjoy her.

I’m definitely liking this crazy toddler phase way more than the baby phase! Difficult in its own way, but way more enjoyable to see them become their own person and develop a personality. 

Knowing there’s life after breastfeeding, knowing that formula isn’t the enemy, and knowing how much fun these little barnacles become when they turn into kids is what made me decide to have another. Again I had to be persuaded for another, I was fine with one and done, but I know giving our daughter a sibling and best friend for life is the best choice!! 

jelososhervy

@mindyb2019 I'm in Croatia. We have 12 months paid and I honestly cant imagine how you all do it because 6 weeks is NOT enough to establish breastfeeding and I still felt very very emotional for months after birthing. I hope it changes for you guys someday. Im not employed so it doesn't make a difference for me personally but my friends struggled a bit with going back to work even after 12 months! At about 4 months I started to feel awesome at breastfeeding, before that it was a rollercoaster.

mindyb2019

@jelososhervy oh wow Croatia. That's cool
 I actually have a co worker from Croatia. That's awesome you guys get 12 months. I didn't know croatia did that too. I'm Canadian so we get 12 months also like you do, but they just extended it more so you can now have up to 18 months if you want which is awesome:) 

thankfullyamama

@willashbaby that’s super frustrating that they never watched you breastfeed in hospital to make sure everything was okay! Fed is best for sure! I love your answer encompassing DH! My husband and I also started dating at 15, got married at 23 now will have baby #1 at 24 and I thought of this questions because last night we were just sitting on the couch watching Netflix and I was just thinking how much our lives are going to change once this little bub comes!

@bearmomma1  well hopefully your new baby’s feeding journey will be much easier this time around for you! Thanks for the insight! 

danife

@gh1219 I’ve been in tears the last week trying to find a daycare, I started calling the day I found out I was pregnant (end of March) and most have an 18-24 month waiting list minimum. I’ve called over 30 places and I’m on about 6 waiting lists hoping for the best but all have told me they most likely won’t have an opening when I need it.  I had a breakdown today, how do people get their infants in daycare?!

gh1219

@danife it is so crazy!!  The only place I found with an open infant spot is actually a brand new location for an established daycare, maybe just check when you call to see if anyone is opening a new location?  I stumbled into it and we still are waiting to commit but I was so thrilled to come across an open spot.  You got this!

llamamamawearspajamapants

Finding infant daycare was one of the most frustrating experiences as a first time mom-to-be (that and patching together leave under FMLA). The long waits was what inspired me to seek out a nanny share with a friend whose son was a month older. DD had a 1:2 care ratio at my friend’s house that was slightly cheaper than centers. Once she turned 16 months it was a lot easier to find a toddler spot. 

I would also suggest if you work in a metro area, daycares downtown are more likely to have openings because people don’t want to commute with their kids. We did a downtown daycare for 5 months with a carpool parking ramp until our “forever daycare” finally had space (2 years on that waiting list!). The only way infants start at our current place is if they’re younger siblings or staff members’ kids. 

willashbaby

@danife It's crazy. That's why you see so many Nanny's where I am. Daycares for infants are HARD to come by. They're also terribly expensive, I think when I did look into it full time was going to be around 2k per month. More than our rent!

mindyb2019

ok, I have a question about temping. I know your BBT rises after ovulation and then it stays elevated if your pregnant. Does your BBT stay higher throughout your whole entire pregnancy till you give birth or just for a little bit then it goes back down to your normally lower temp? 

charmedlifex3

@mindyb2019 I had an elevated temp the whole way through. I was so so hot that summer! It was also 110 the whole week my son was born.