@2MomsHoping I’m thinking of you today. GL with your beta!
History and blog link in spoiler
2016 - dx with super low ovarian reserve; failed cycle with clomid, failed IUI, 2017 - egg retrieval #1 - 3 eggs, 0 embryos appropriate for transfer; ER #2 2 eggs, 0 embryos on day 3; ER #3 1 egg 0 embryos moved to donor egg in summer 2017; 35 eggs retrieved; 19 fertilized; 9 total embryos Fresh transfer Dec 2017= BFP! baby boy born 8/22/18
May 2019 - surprise natural pregnancy ended in MC Nov 2019 FET; MC at 9 weeks May 2020 FET; BFN July 2020 FET; CP treated with methotrexate Oct 2020 BFP!
AFM: uh-oh guys, I think the grief is starting to hit me. We put up Christmas decorations last night and basically I cried the whole time. I had to stop playing Christmas music because it was making me too sad. The only songs I could listen to that didn't make me sad were the U2 Christmas ones, and only those because I find Bono so annoying! DH was like: "Honey, I thought you loved Christmas?" and I barely could get out that I wanted the "pitter patter of little feet", and "Christmas is for families!". Other people here have said it best, but you have so many hopes for your little embryo, you know? Like, I loved our little embryo, I prayed for it, I thought about it every day, I wanted it so, so badly, and losing it is really hard, even when you know it's a possibility and you didn't do the PGS testing and you know what the success rates are for your age and diagnosis. I hate the holidays.
@funkeykey I totally understand. And nothing you could have done would have guaranteed a different outcome. People always say having children is starting a family but you do have a family with you and DH. Don’t forget that you still count as a family too. hugs.
Beta Results in Spoiler
We are officially positive. HCG is at a 63. I sounded like a crazy person asking her over and over if it was good enough. The nurse had to keep telling me it was good news. I’ll be going in on Tuesday to check it again and just keeping everything crossed that things double. No more HPTs for me. They have made me crazy.
Me:38 DW:33 TTC History in Spoiler ***Trigger Warning*** Losses/Child Mentioned
Dx: My wife has no sperm and apparently my embryos aren't as good as they look 2016 * April IUI#1 - BFN * June IUI#2 - BFN * July IUI#3 - CP * Sept IVF#1 - 4 Retrieved & Mature, 4 Blasts. Fresh Transfer 1 - CP * November FET #1 - Transferred 1 Blast - CP 2017 Switched REs - Recurrent loss testing for me - all normal, remaining 2 frosties sent for PGS - both abnormal * April/May IVF#2: 9 retrieved, 8 mature, 7 fertilized, 7 blasts! Sent for testing - 2PGS Normals (0 remaining) * November IVF #3 12R, 8M, 6F, 4 blasts! - All 4 PGS normal! * November FET# 2 (Transfer a PGS normal from IVF#2) - BFP!!! 2018 DD born 8/20/18 20195PGS frosties ( 4 remaining) * September FET#3 (1PGS normal) - Beta#1: 139.7 Beta#2: 322.6
@funkykey. I completely get it. (((Hugs))) I normally love Christmas too, and all the decorating, but this year *has been totally different. I remember hearing a holiday song on the radio as I was pulling into the REs office for my first beta, something about contemplating the tiny little hands of the Jesus-baby... and I just totally lost it. Not cool, radio. Not cool. Even the silly jingle bells and merry this merry that just seem asinine and I can't do it. I was going to try to ease my way into the whole decorating thing with with some Advent stuff today, and maybe some outside lights, but so far, none of it has happened.
I'm just so sorry. It's stupid and it's not fair. Instead of being filled with all the hope and expectancy of a new pregnancy to carry us into the holidays, we just have this gaping void and soulache. All i can do is keep praying to find the Christmas spirit somewhere along the way, cos so far, I am not exactly feeling it.
@2MomsHoping - great news!!!!! Congratulations!!!!
@BusinessWife - the tiny hands of baby Jesus?!?! I would have bawled.
I think it was extra tought this weekend because ****TW**** a couple of friends of ours had baby girls this week. And one used one of my favorite baby names! I thought I was going to be okay buying gifts, but when I went to look at baby stuff online I just couldn't. One look at the baby girl leggings and I was down.
Maybe that made Christmas decorating harder? I dunno.
Hoping I find the Christmas spirit too, or that it finds me!
@2momshoping congrats on your 1st beta! So thrilled for you and hoping for the best for Tuesday.
beta #2 was only 83. We are devastated as that is only a 50% rise.
***************
We go back on Tuesday also. Nurse says stay on meds. Praying and hoping that things will get on track. Pray for us also. @funkykey. I know exactly what you mean. My family does a huge Xmas celebration every year, and I so wanted this to be the year where I was pregnant. Trying to stay positive.
@natehk. Oh dear, I will keep you and your bub in T&P... ❤❤❤
@funkykey. Omg I would be coming undone, too. It's bad enough there's a girl on my insta who likes to AW her dog with our top girl name, different middle name. Like really? My top girl name is a dog's name? I almost want to unfollow bc it makes me feel kind of shitty every time I see her loving on her dog, like when we get our pride and joy baby girl - God willing - will I still have to keep seeing this girl's stupid dog with the same name??? Okay, not the same thing like, at all. I realise. But I know where you're coming from. At the same time, my mom and her bff both named me and the BFFs second daughter the same (very popular 80s) first name, so hopefully when the time comes, you won't even give it a second thought! (((Hugs)))
@funkykey I am so sorry you were triggered so hard, it sounds like one big thing after another . I know it sounds awful to say (and I mean this in the most loving way) but finally feeling the grief is a good thing. You can't keep all that suppressed. I'm so sorry for the reason you are grieving. Holidays are always the toughest, and it's ok to not fully enjoy them from time to time. Taking care of yourself mentally and physically is top priority.
@businesswife that goes for you too. If you can't find the Christmas spirit this year, it's ok. Or if you find just a touch of spirit that's ok too. Grief shouldn't have a timeline, we all grieve differently and it takes us all different times. When your soul is ready, it will be ready. The last thing you need is to put pressure on yourself to feel a specific way, just feel what you feel.
Thank you both for sharing. Hopefully there is some comfort, albeit temporary, to our words. Hugs all around.
@2momshoping congrats on the beta! How very exciting.
@coco305 - yeah, I mean, I don't think I was suppressed, necessarily. But I do think that grief hits you in waves, and at sometimes surprising times. Like, hearing from the nurse: "I'm sorry, it's a negative" isn't always what sets you off, you know? Sometimes that's fine, and then someone makes a comment about how they're ready to start trying for their second baby, and you can barely hold it together. For me, the part about this that's hardest isn't each negative, it's the situation overall. Like exactly what you said to @BusinessWife .
Anyway, thank you very much for reading what I have to say and for talking to me about it. I really don't know what I'd do without this board. The support has meant so much to me.
@2MomsHoping Congrats on that great beta! I'm so happy and excited for you and your DW. This is it!!!
@natehk I'm praying for a much much better result on your next beta.
@funkykey ((hugs)) IF truly sucks and I'm sorry that you had to experience all these things that make you feel so down. I'm hoping that you'd find the strength to overcome these obstacles and please know that we are all here to back you up. Also, thank you for remembering me and wishing me well on my new clinic.
AFM, next appt is 12/9. I've put up Christmas decorations too. For 5 years now of being married, DH and I have lived so far away from my family, I've always felt so sad to not be celebrating Christmas with them and I miss them so much. We'd do Skype calls everytime but my heart cries everytime this season comes. But, this morning while reading the Bible, I was reminded that the first Christmas happened because Jesus thought of me and you. With this message, I felt so loved and encouraged. IF is trying to steal so much from us, many good virtues and happiness. Let's not allow ourselves to be defeated. The first Christmas was a day of triumph. Let's all be victorious this season.
@natehk I am so sorry for the mixed news and sad second beta results! I'll pray for good news tomorrow. This has been such a hard month for the November thread.
@2MomsHoping CONGRATULATIONS!! I am thrilled about your great news! Good luck with your next beta!!
@funkykeyand then someone makes a comment about how they're ready to start trying for their second baby, and you can barely hold it together. *TW* Everything you've said is so true, but this line resonated especially with me. I felt like for the first two years we were trying, I was really good about maintaining friendships, but since this summer I've been avoiding people, including one friend I really like a lot who started trying at the same time as me and of course got KU right away. I don't think I could handle it if she told me she was going for #2. Obviously avoiding her isn't going to stop time, but it's like if I don't hear it, it isn't happening. Another friend is KU and when we had our CP, I made DH plan a weekend trip just so I had a plausible excuse for not going to her baby shower in January. I don't even feel ashamed. *end TW*
I'm so sorry you're having a really hard time with Christmas this year. It sounds like it's compounded by a lot of external factors, like your friend, that you can't get away from. The best we can do is try to protect ourselves from the things that make us sad/remind us of our IF struggles, and it really sucks when it feels like your barricades are being breached from all sides. It absolutely is the situation overall that is the problem. And the holidays do not help even if there are no KU people or small children in your life because they feel like big milestones. Like, "Oh, how perfect it would be to surprise my family at Thanksgiving or Christmas with our BFP." Or "A BFP for New Years! We're going to start 2018 out right." It's a lot of pressure because I think we're always looking for good omens, and the holidays are really big good omens! (Heck, the orchid in my office started sending off another shoot during my FET cycle, which would be two blooms in one year, and of course I took as a good sign. I guess it kind of was, but not enough to sustain anything. ) Not that IF is ever easy, but once we survive this season, at least we won't have that pressure anymore. I'm not sure if any of that was very helpful, or if it was mostly just rambling, but suffice to say I hear you and I'm sorry you're struggling right now.
@tinjp78 I love that you've turned the pressure of the holidays on its head and you're able to see Christmas for all the good that it brings. Your optimism is contagious! It made me think of the sermon we heard two weeks ago, which was about thanking God for things even if you're still struggling toward what you want because He will eventually provide even if it's not in the way you think. I actually started crying--and now I'm tearing up remembering it--which has never happened before in church. Thank you so much for your reminder about the spirit of the season.
@natehk I’m sorry beta number#2 didn’t double I saw your
updated and my heart just dropped so it took me so long to come back to post. Your beta is still rising and they have you
on meds so it sounds like there is still a chance for a happy ending, I’m
wishing you the best. We have such similar
first betas that I am praying for us both of us get some good news on
Tuesday.
@BusinessWife I hope your labs tomorrow are all clear so you
can move on to your transfer in December I’m just so happy that you are able to try
again in December!
@coco305 I can’t agree more that grief has no timeline! I
know it comes out of nowhere to smack me in the face when I’m least expecting
it…lol
@funkeykey I so can relate to the triggering. Last year what really got me was the
Christmas Cards. I LOVE sending out Christmas
cards and I love receiving them and hanging them up on the walls. But last year all those people I love. All those friends and family with smiling
babies and kids it was just too much. I
had a fit and while crying I carefully rearranged the overlap so I couldn’t see
the babies anymore. Though what I wanted
to do was tear all those smug faces off my wall and rip them up. Soooo Jealous! I hate being like that! Then I feel awful because I feel like that sometimes. I have a big old stack of Christmas cards on my table I
should address and send out but haven’t…last two weekends I said I was going to do it. I haven't.
Me:38 DW:33 TTC History in Spoiler ***Trigger Warning*** Losses/Child Mentioned
Dx: My wife has no sperm and apparently my embryos aren't as good as they look 2016 * April IUI#1 - BFN * June IUI#2 - BFN * July IUI#3 - CP * Sept IVF#1 - 4 Retrieved & Mature, 4 Blasts. Fresh Transfer 1 - CP * November FET #1 - Transferred 1 Blast - CP 2017 Switched REs - Recurrent loss testing for me - all normal, remaining 2 frosties sent for PGS - both abnormal * April/May IVF#2: 9 retrieved, 8 mature, 7 fertilized, 7 blasts! Sent for testing - 2PGS Normals (0 remaining) * November IVF #3 12R, 8M, 6F, 4 blasts! - All 4 PGS normal! * November FET# 2 (Transfer a PGS normal from IVF#2) - BFP!!! 2018 DD born 8/20/18 20195PGS frosties ( 4 remaining) * September FET#3 (1PGS normal) - Beta#1: 139.7 Beta#2: 322.6
I have been MIA because every time I get on the bump, I get
kicked out. It’s super weird but I’m WAY
behind
@funkykey and @businesswife I read through what you have
written the past few days and I can’t believe how strong and wonderful you
women are. You have chosen not to give
up but have also allowed a period of grief and anger. This wasn’t the outcome that was clearly
hoped for and the holidays are a brutal reminder. You aren’t alone and I’m so proud of both of you!
I wish I could give you hugs in real life.
@natehk I’m so sorry the beta isn’t rising as quickly as you
hoped. I am always the one that says
hold on to hope and there are so many people that have been in your position
that had live births. At the same time,
I’m sure you are a basket case of stress and the waiting is terrible. Hoping
that number skyrockets tomorrow!
@tinjp78 so a uterus can change shape? That’s so
interesting. Have ultrasounds hurt
before? Did you do IUI’s? Some people find IUIs very painful or even regular
gyno exams because of the uterus shape. That’s a bummer that DHEA is so
expensive. I heard good things about
DHEA from that book It Starts With the Egg so hopefully great results for you.
How hopeful with a new RE!!
@2momshoping so excited for you!! That’s awesome! How are
you feeling?? You are such a support on this forum. That NY times article was so amazing. When is
your second beta??
Me: 36 DH: 33
TTC since June 2016
Me: PCOS DH: Morphology 1%
3 TI with Famera and trigger shots-BFN
3 IUI's with Famera and trigger shots- BFN
IVF August 2017 25 eggs retrieved, 19 mature, 13 fertilized (ICSI), 5 frozen, 3 PGS normal
FET November 2017 Transferred one 6 day blast (a little GIRL) BFP EDD 8/4/18
@funkykeyand then someone makes a comment about how they're ready to start trying for their second baby, and you can barely hold it together. *TW* Everything you've said is so true, but this line resonated especially with me. I felt like for the first two years we were trying, I was really good about maintaining friendships, but since this summer I've been avoiding people, including one friend I really like a lot who started trying at the same time as me and of course got KU right away. I don't think I could handle it if she told me she was going for #2. Obviously avoiding her isn't going to stop time, but it's like if I don't hear it, it isn't happening. Another friend is KU and when we had our CP, I made DH plan a weekend trip just so I had a plausible excuse for not going to her baby shower in January. I don't even feel ashamed. *end TW*
Exactly.
I'm trying to think how to express this: for me, the struggle of IF isn't each individual negative, it's all of them, together. I feel so often like DH and I are in a suspended state of being, or just frozen in time. Like we keep trying, trying, trying and working, working, working and nothing ever changes. This Christmas will be the same as the last one, and the same as the one before that, and the same as the one before that. I love my H and I love our life, but I've been ready for a change for years; I've been ready to start a family for years.
And we're surrounded by people who don't have this problem. They're sending out cards with little babies, starting to get ready for their second children to arrive, complaining about how busy they are now that they're running around after their toddlers. And their kids all seem so funny and cute and playful. Even they stories they tell about the kids making big messes are cute.
I've been really good about maintaining friendships and I'm honestly happy for my friends, but it stings some days, you know? Like, when we get the announcements from couples who started trying a year after we did who are welcoming their healthy babies. One of the couples with the new daughter, we went out for drinks with them like a year and a half ago - and I remember being really careful about what I was eating/drinking because I was in the TWW, whereas they hadn't even started to think about having a baby - they were planning a trip somewhere tropical with Zika!
It's like: "wow, we really are suspended. We really are just treading water."
The way I tried to approach it is that we are all faced with some monumental challenges in our life, and IF is probably the toughest one I have had to personally face.
I lost my father to suicide prior to starting the IF treatments, but I think that just added to the challenges. He always really wanted grandkids, and me being his only kid who has ever been in a relationship, coming up on 30 years old with two losses at that point, part of me still feels guilty that I failed him in a sense.
This along with the long, hard, expensive IF journey has made me appreciate my child and family so much. I fought tooth and nail and took on so much debt, struggled with jealousy and bitterness, but it was worth everything. I used to take so much for granted, and now I am a different person than I was 10 years ago, and I feel it's all for the better.
These were my challenges, and what I try and remember is that other people will eventually face their own big challenges at some time or another... I just hope I am not faced with anything else major anytime soon.
@funkykey@Crystal321@2MomsHoping@Bababatty My heart sank reading about the challenges and struggles you've faced and are facing. I wanted to hold your hands and give you tight hugs. Please know that I'm praying for you all and all our friends here to have renewed strength everyday.
@Irisheyes81 I hope your Bump issues would be resolved soon, I want to see your updates regularly. I was kind of kidding about that changing of uterus shape thing, although I read that it does change sometimes if a MC happens. But, in my case, It wasn't so painful when my first dr was doing the u/s compared to my new dr now. So, as @2MomsHoping said, it depends on who is performing the check. I haven't done IUI before. Probably, I'm just tensed on the exam chair so the u/s with my new dr was painful.
Sorry I have been MIA. I had a tough work week plus my mom was visiting for a few days. Then I came down with a stomach bug which was no fun.
FX for tomorrow @2MomsHoping and @natehk. Really hoping for good news from you both!
@funkykey sorry you are feeling stuck. I know it is so hard when it seems that everyone is passing you by and moving along with their lives while you’re stuck in the same spot. It sucks so much that we put so much into this and try so hard with no guarantee of success. I often think of how different our lives would have been if we were one of those couples that got KU after a couple months of trying. It’s sad to think of all IF has stolen from us. I can only hope that for each of us here there will be a day when it will all be worth it.
My RE wants me to have a scan with him tomorrow, along with the beta. I think it’s Way too early to actually see anything, but I’ve had an ectopic so im sure he’s being cautious...
@natehk - Keeping FX for you too! This board could use more good news. Hoping your scan and beta look good, and that you never have another ectopic again.
@Bababatty - I forgot to mention, I would have seen the orchid as a sign too. Our FET was actually on the anniversary of our first date, so I really thought that was a good sign... But then I know that there will be another. That's the thing about IF - it makes you superstitious, and then you catch yourself and realize you're just searching desperately for something to make sense of during a dark time. It can really play tricks on your mind.
@Crystal321 - I think that too sometimes, that everyone is faced with monumental challenges, and that maybe this is mine, or this period is mine. DH and I had a challenge before IF, so this isn't our first... When we first realized that we were going to have trouble TTC, I was so angry, because we'd not yet finished dealing with something else (complete with lawyers and doctors and physiotherapists, and hundreds of hours of appointments and assessments). It felt so unfair, to have one following another.
When I'm feeling really sorry for myself, DH will tell me too: "Maybe these are our only challenges and we won't have to deal with anything in the future!" Sometimes I believe him, but sometimes I think: "I don't care, I want someone else to suffer." (He usually teases me when I say that, and tells me that it's too bad I wasn't born an evil queen.) I think when you're actively dealing with something acute, or going through something, it can be hard to get perspective, and I definitely have nights where I lose mine.
But the reality of all this is that life isn't fair. I wish suffering were more even - I wish everyone faced monumental challenges equally - but they don't. Some people have sh*ttier lives than others. Some people face more monumental challenges than others.
And, if I'm really honest, as much as IF sucks, and whatever other challenges I may have faced, I struggle less than other people. I've struggled more than a lot of my friends in some key ways (IF), but way, way less in other ways. In some ways, I'm even grateful to have experienced IF, because it's made me understand inequality more. Not that I ever didn't know inequality existed or that I've ever been an unaware person, but there's something about actively facing an unfair struggle for years on end with no resolution that can make you realize how hard life must be for some people.
IRL, I have a pretty serious nerdy streak. I keep thinking about that Game of Thrones quote from last season: "There is no justice in the world, not unless we make it." I hate IF and it's a huge challenge and so unfair. And there are so many other hugely unfair challenges... Maybe I think about this more because I want to be a parent? Like, we think so much about what kind of world do we want for our children? how do we make it better? what can we do? Ugh.
(Anyway, that's probably enough from me... So many thoughts about all of this. Also, I'm so sorry about your father - that's a really hard way to lose someone. I hope you aren't faced with any more challenges anytime soon too. )
Just want to give the board an update. I wish I had good news but I don’t. Beta yesterday was 97 which is barely a 15% rise. Bloods and ultrasounds in the next few days to confirm if it’s a chemical/early m/c or an ectopic. Devastated and at a loss for what to do next. This was our 4th FET, 3rd with a PGS tested embryo.
@natehk so sorry to hear this. I was rooting so hard for you. It is devastating and I just hope you and your SO can support each other while you grieve. Hugs to you.
@funkykey I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried and
screemed to DW I can’t take this limbo anymore. I’ve threated to sell out house
and build schools in Africa or start foster care. It’s hard to stay the course for so so many
years when everyone around you seems to be moving forward….and having awesome Mexico
vacations. I know it builds character but
sometimes I think geeze how much character does one person need?
@Crystal321 you have been through so much and I’m glad you
have been able to gain so much appreciation from it! Thank you for keeping us positive.
@natehk I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. I wish there were answers for
you, and actually I just wish you were in a position where you didn’t even have
questions that needed answers. I’ve been
thinking about you so much these past few days and really hoped things would
start looking up. Do you have a wtf
appointment with your RE? After that
many transfers and PGS testing it seems like you are doing everything
right. I just don’t understand the
universe sometimes. I’ll keeping
praying/thinking about you.
Me:38 DW:33 TTC History in Spoiler ***Trigger Warning*** Losses/Child Mentioned
Dx: My wife has no sperm and apparently my embryos aren't as good as they look 2016 * April IUI#1 - BFN * June IUI#2 - BFN * July IUI#3 - CP * Sept IVF#1 - 4 Retrieved & Mature, 4 Blasts. Fresh Transfer 1 - CP * November FET #1 - Transferred 1 Blast - CP 2017 Switched REs - Recurrent loss testing for me - all normal, remaining 2 frosties sent for PGS - both abnormal * April/May IVF#2: 9 retrieved, 8 mature, 7 fertilized, 7 blasts! Sent for testing - 2PGS Normals (0 remaining) * November IVF #3 12R, 8M, 6F, 4 blasts! - All 4 PGS normal! * November FET# 2 (Transfer a PGS normal from IVF#2) - BFP!!! 2018 DD born 8/20/18 20195PGS frosties ( 4 remaining) * September FET#3 (1PGS normal) - Beta#1: 139.7 Beta#2: 322.6
@natehk I am so, so sorry. I know there’s nothing I can say to make this better, but know that I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week. Please let us know what your RE says. Lots of creepy internet hugs.
I started bleeding this afternoon out of nowhere. It was a big gush of blood. Immediately called my RE and they saw me straight away. I had clots in my cervix but by then no more active bleeding - u/s showed us everything was fine. I'm super shaken up and got put on bedrest for a week. Now just have to watch for more bleeding. I spotted a little bit a little while ago. Just hoping it stops. I'm having some cramps, but nothing constant. Just pray everything stay healthy and that this is a huge scare. Any words of encouragement are welcomed. Plus I feel super guilty because I've been extra busy at work this week and on my feet a lot. Plus I'm dealing with an awful cold. Yesterday I felt physically drained. I have to start listening to my body more & know when to stop. Sigh.
@coco305. How scary! Glad you are able to slow down and take it easy this week, but please don't beat yourself up! I have heard that bleeding due to sch is quite common with ivf pregnancies, and usually resolves itself. The bleeding is not your fault. Please just enjoy tour time to relax and trust that baby is just fine! (((Big huge hugs))) Do you think you could come up with a good calming / soothing mantra to repeat to yourself?
@coco305 whew! I'm glad that you got to see your RE quickly and that you and your lil pnut are doing ok. Take it easy and rest more. I'll be hoping that no more scary events like this would happen to you throughout this pregnancy. (((Hugs)))
Re: November FET
2017 - egg retrieval #1 - 3 eggs, 0 embryos appropriate for transfer; ER #2 2 eggs, 0 embryos on day 3; ER #3 1 egg 0 embryos
moved to donor egg in summer 2017; 35 eggs retrieved; 19 fertilized; 9 total embryos
Fresh transfer Dec 2017= BFP! baby boy born 8/22/18
May 2019 - surprise natural pregnancy ended in MC
Nov 2019 FET; MC at 9 weeks
May 2020 FET; BFN
July 2020 FET; CP treated with methotrexate
Oct 2020 BFP!
Take a look at my blog
@2MomsHoping FX for you!! FWIW my afternoon tests were always darker than the morning tests.
Hows everyone else doing???
@2MomsHoping - ugh, mixed results are so stressful! Really keeping FX for your beta - I want this one to be the one for you!!
We put up Christmas decorations last night and basically I cried the whole time. I had to stop playing Christmas music because it was making me too sad. The only songs I could listen to that didn't make me sad were the U2 Christmas ones, and only those because I find Bono so annoying!
DH was like: "Honey, I thought you loved Christmas?" and I barely could get out that I wanted the "pitter patter of little feet", and "Christmas is for families!".
Other people here have said it best, but you have so many hopes for your little embryo, you know? Like, I loved our little embryo, I prayed for it, I thought about it every day, I wanted it so, so badly, and losing it is really hard, even when you know it's a possibility and you didn't do the PGS testing and you know what the success rates are for your age and diagnosis.
I hate the holidays.
@funkeykey I totally understand. And nothing you could have done would have guaranteed a different outcome. People always say having children is starting a family but you do have a family with you and DH. Don’t forget that you still count as a family too. hugs.
Beta Results in Spoiler
TTC History in Spoiler ***Trigger Warning*** Losses/Child Mentioned
2016
* April IUI#1 - BFN
* June IUI#2 - BFN
* July IUI#3 - CP
* Sept IVF#1 - 4 Retrieved & Mature, 4 Blasts. Fresh Transfer 1 - CP
* November FET #1 - Transferred 1 Blast - CP
2017 Switched REs - Recurrent loss testing for me - all normal, remaining 2 frosties sent for PGS - both abnormal
* April/May IVF#2: 9 retrieved, 8 mature, 7 fertilized, 7 blasts! Sent for testing - 2PGS Normals (0 remaining)
* November IVF #3 12R, 8M, 6F, 4 blasts! - All 4 PGS normal!
* November FET# 2 (Transfer a PGS normal from IVF#2) - BFP!!!
2018 DD born 8/20/18
2019 5PGS frosties ( 4 remaining)
* September FET#3 (1PGS normal) - Beta#1: 139.7 Beta#2: 322.6
I'm just so sorry. It's stupid and it's not fair. Instead of being filled with all the hope and expectancy of a new pregnancy to carry us into the holidays, we just have this gaping void and soulache. All i can do is keep praying to find the Christmas spirit somewhere along the way, cos so far, I am not exactly feeling it.
@BusinessWife - the tiny hands of baby Jesus?!?! I would have bawled.
I think it was extra tought this weekend because ****TW**** a couple of friends of ours had baby girls this week. And one used one of my favorite baby names! I thought I was going to be okay buying gifts, but when I went to look at baby stuff online I just couldn't. One look at the baby girl leggings and I was down.
Maybe that made Christmas decorating harder? I dunno.
Hoping I find the Christmas spirit too, or that it finds me!
We go back on Tuesday also. Nurse says stay on meds. Praying and hoping that things will get on track. Pray for us also. @funkykey. I know exactly what you mean. My family does a huge Xmas celebration every year, and I so wanted this to be the year where I was pregnant. Trying to stay positive.
I'm so sorry, ugh. Sh*t.
Keeping fingers crossed for you that this pulls through.
@funkykey. Omg I would be coming undone, too. It's bad enough there's a girl on my insta who likes to AW her dog with our top girl name, different middle name. Like really? My top girl name is a dog's name? I almost want to unfollow bc it makes me feel kind of shitty every time I see her loving on her dog, like when we get our pride and joy baby girl - God willing - will I still have to keep seeing this girl's stupid dog with the same name??? Okay, not the same thing like, at all. I realise. But I know where you're coming from. At the same time, my mom and her bff both named me and the BFFs second daughter the same (very popular 80s) first name, so hopefully when the time comes, you won't even give it a second thought! (((Hugs)))
@funkykey I am so sorry you were triggered so hard, it sounds like one big thing after another . I know it sounds awful to say (and I mean this in the most loving way) but finally feeling the grief is a good thing. You can't keep all that suppressed. I'm so sorry for the reason you are grieving. Holidays are always the toughest, and it's ok to not fully enjoy them from time to time. Taking care of yourself mentally and physically is top priority.
@businesswife that goes for you too. If you can't find the Christmas spirit this year, it's ok. Or if you find just a touch of spirit that's ok too. Grief shouldn't have a timeline, we all grieve differently and it takes us all different times. When your soul is ready, it will be ready. The last thing you need is to put pressure on yourself to feel a specific way, just feel what you feel.
Thank you both for sharing. Hopefully there is some comfort, albeit temporary, to our words. Hugs all around.
@2momshoping congrats on the beta! How very exciting.
@natehk i will continue to
Cross my fingers for you.
Anyway, thank you very much for reading what I have to say and for talking to me about it. I really don't know what I'd do without this board. The support has meant so much to me.
@natehk I'm praying for a much much better result on your next beta.
@funkykey ((hugs)) IF truly sucks and I'm sorry that you had to experience all these things that make you feel so down. I'm hoping that you'd find the strength to overcome these obstacles and please know that we are all here to back you up. Also, thank you for remembering me and wishing me well on my new clinic.
AFM, next appt is 12/9. I've put up Christmas decorations too. For 5 years now of being married, DH and I have lived so far away from my family, I've always felt so sad to not be celebrating Christmas with them and I miss them so much. We'd do Skype calls everytime but my heart cries everytime this season comes. But, this morning while reading the Bible, I was reminded that the first Christmas happened because Jesus thought of me and you. With this message, I felt so loved and encouraged. IF is trying to steal so much from us, many good virtues and happiness. Let's not allow ourselves to be defeated. The first Christmas was a day of triumph. Let's all be victorious this season.
@2MomsHoping CONGRATULATIONS!! I am thrilled about your great news! Good luck with your next beta!!
@funkykeyand then someone makes a comment about how they're ready to start trying for their second baby, and you can barely hold it together.
*TW*
Everything you've said is so true, but this line resonated especially with me. I felt like for the first two years we were trying, I was really good about maintaining friendships, but since this summer I've been avoiding people, including one friend I really like a lot who started trying at the same time as me and of course got KU right away. I don't think I could handle it if she told me she was going for #2. Obviously avoiding her isn't going to stop time, but it's like if I don't hear it, it isn't happening. Another friend is KU and when we had our CP, I made DH plan a weekend trip just so I had a plausible excuse for not going to her baby shower in January. I don't even feel ashamed.
*end TW*
I'm so sorry you're having a really hard time with Christmas this year. It sounds like it's compounded by a lot of external factors, like your friend, that you can't get away from. The best we can do is try to protect ourselves from the things that make us sad/remind us of our IF struggles, and it really sucks when it feels like your barricades are being breached from all sides. It absolutely is the situation overall that is the problem. And the holidays do not help even if there are no KU people or small children in your life because they feel like big milestones. Like, "Oh, how perfect it would be to surprise my family at Thanksgiving or Christmas with our BFP." Or "A BFP for New Years! We're going to start 2018 out right." It's a lot of pressure because I think we're always looking for good omens, and the holidays are really big good omens! (Heck, the orchid in my office started sending off another shoot during my FET cycle, which would be two blooms in one year, and of course I took as a good sign. I guess it kind of was, but not enough to sustain anything. ) Not that IF is ever easy, but once we survive this season, at least we won't have that pressure anymore. I'm not sure if any of that was very helpful, or if it was mostly just rambling, but suffice to say I hear you and I'm sorry you're struggling right now.
@tinjp78 I love that you've turned the pressure of the holidays on its head and you're able to see Christmas for all the good that it brings. Your optimism is contagious! It made me think of the sermon we heard two weeks ago, which was about thanking God for things even if you're still struggling toward what you want because He will eventually provide even if it's not in the way you think. I actually started crying--and now I'm tearing up remembering it--which has never happened before in church. Thank you so much for your reminder about the spirit of the season.
@natehk I’m sorry beta number#2 didn’t double I saw your updated and my heart just dropped so it took me so long to come back to post. Your beta is still rising and they have you on meds so it sounds like there is still a chance for a happy ending, I’m wishing you the best. We have such similar first betas that I am praying for us both of us get some good news on Tuesday.
@BusinessWife I hope your labs tomorrow are all clear so you can move on to your transfer in December I’m just so happy that you are able to try again in December!
@coco305 I can’t agree more that grief has no timeline! I know it comes out of nowhere to smack me in the face when I’m least expecting it…lol
@funkeykey I so can relate to the triggering. Last year what really got me was the Christmas Cards. I LOVE sending out Christmas cards and I love receiving them and hanging them up on the walls. But last year all those people I love. All those friends and family with smiling babies and kids it was just too much. I had a fit and while crying I carefully rearranged the overlap so I couldn’t see the babies anymore. Though what I wanted to do was tear all those smug faces off my wall and rip them up. Soooo Jealous! I hate being like that! Then I feel awful because I feel like that sometimes. I have a big old stack of Christmas cards on my table I should address and send out but haven’t…last two weekends I said I was going to do it. I haven't.
TTC History in Spoiler ***Trigger Warning*** Losses/Child Mentioned
2016
* April IUI#1 - BFN
* June IUI#2 - BFN
* July IUI#3 - CP
* Sept IVF#1 - 4 Retrieved & Mature, 4 Blasts. Fresh Transfer 1 - CP
* November FET #1 - Transferred 1 Blast - CP
2017 Switched REs - Recurrent loss testing for me - all normal, remaining 2 frosties sent for PGS - both abnormal
* April/May IVF#2: 9 retrieved, 8 mature, 7 fertilized, 7 blasts! Sent for testing - 2PGS Normals (0 remaining)
* November IVF #3 12R, 8M, 6F, 4 blasts! - All 4 PGS normal!
* November FET# 2 (Transfer a PGS normal from IVF#2) - BFP!!!
2018 DD born 8/20/18
2019 5PGS frosties ( 4 remaining)
* September FET#3 (1PGS normal) - Beta#1: 139.7 Beta#2: 322.6
I have been MIA because every time I get on the bump, I get kicked out. It’s super weird but I’m WAY behind
@funkykey and @businesswife I read through what you have written the past few days and I can’t believe how strong and wonderful you women are. You have chosen not to give up but have also allowed a period of grief and anger. This wasn’t the outcome that was clearly hoped for and the holidays are a brutal reminder. You aren’t alone and I’m so proud of both of you! I wish I could give you hugs in real life.
@natehk I’m so sorry the beta isn’t rising as quickly as you hoped. I am always the one that says hold on to hope and there are so many people that have been in your position that had live births. At the same time, I’m sure you are a basket case of stress and the waiting is terrible. Hoping that number skyrockets tomorrow!
@tinjp78 so a uterus can change shape? That’s so interesting. Have ultrasounds hurt before? Did you do IUI’s? Some people find IUIs very painful or even regular gyno exams because of the uterus shape. That’s a bummer that DHEA is so expensive. I heard good things about DHEA from that book It Starts With the Egg so hopefully great results for you. How hopeful with a new RE!!
@2momshoping so excited for you!! That’s awesome! How are you feeling?? You are such a support on this forum. That NY times article was so amazing. When is your second beta??
I'm trying to think how to express this: for me, the struggle of IF isn't each individual negative, it's all of them, together. I feel so often like DH and I are in a suspended state of being, or just frozen in time. Like we keep trying, trying, trying and working, working, working and nothing ever changes. This Christmas will be the same as the last one, and the same as the one before that, and the same as the one before that. I love my H and I love our life, but I've been ready for a change for years; I've been ready to start a family for years.
And we're surrounded by people who don't have this problem. They're sending out cards with little babies, starting to get ready for their second children to arrive, complaining about how busy they are now that they're running around after their toddlers. And their kids all seem so funny and cute and playful. Even they stories they tell about the kids making big messes are cute.
I've been really good about maintaining friendships and I'm honestly happy for my friends, but it stings some days, you know? Like, when we get the announcements from couples who started trying a year after we did who are welcoming their healthy babies. One of the couples with the new daughter, we went out for drinks with them like a year and a half ago - and I remember being really careful about what I was eating/drinking because I was in the TWW, whereas they hadn't even started to think about having a baby - they were planning a trip somewhere tropical with Zika!
It's like: "wow, we really are suspended. We really are just treading water."
The way I tried to approach it is that we are all faced with some monumental challenges in our life, and IF is probably the toughest one I have had to personally face.
I lost my father to suicide prior to starting the IF treatments, but I think that just added to the challenges. He always really wanted grandkids, and me being his only kid who has ever been in a relationship, coming up on 30 years old with two losses at that point, part of me still feels guilty that I failed him in a sense.
This along with the long, hard, expensive IF journey has made me appreciate my child and family so much. I fought tooth and nail and took on so much debt, struggled with jealousy and bitterness, but it was worth everything. I used to take so much for granted, and now I am a different person than I was 10 years ago, and I feel it's all for the better.
These were my challenges, and what I try and remember is that other people will eventually face their own big challenges at some time or another... I just hope I am not faced with anything else major anytime soon.
thanks for all the good wishes for tomorrow.
@2MomsHoping I’m hoping for all the best for you too - will be thinking of you!
@Irisheyes81 I hope your Bump issues would be resolved soon, I want to see your updates regularly. I was kind of kidding about that changing of uterus shape thing, although I read that it does change sometimes if a MC happens. But, in my case, It wasn't so painful when my first dr was doing the u/s compared to my new dr now. So, as @2MomsHoping said, it depends on who is performing the check. I haven't done IUI before. Probably, I'm just tensed on the exam chair so the u/s with my new dr was painful.
FX for tomorrow @2MomsHoping and @natehk. Really hoping for good news from you both!
@funkykey sorry you are feeling stuck. I know it is so hard when it seems that everyone is passing you by and moving along with their lives while you’re stuck in the same spot. It sucks so much that we put so much into this and try so hard with no guarantee of success. I often think of how different our lives would have been if we were one of those couples that got KU after a couple months of trying. It’s sad to think of all IF has stolen from us. I can only hope that for each of us here there will be a day when it will all be worth it.
@natehk - Keeping FX for you too! This board could use more good news. Hoping your scan and beta look good, and that you never have another ectopic again.
@tinjp78 - Thank you for the kind words!
@Bababatty - I forgot to mention, I would have seen the orchid as a sign too. Our FET was actually on the anniversary of our first date, so I really thought that was a good sign... But then I know that there will be another. That's the thing about IF - it makes you superstitious, and then you catch yourself and realize you're just searching desperately for something to make sense of during a dark time. It can really play tricks on your mind.
@IrishEyes81 - I love your posts so much. xx
@Crystal321 - I think that too sometimes, that everyone is faced with monumental challenges, and that maybe this is mine, or this period is mine. DH and I had a challenge before IF, so this isn't our first... When we first realized that we were going to have trouble TTC, I was so angry, because we'd not yet finished dealing with something else (complete with lawyers and doctors and physiotherapists, and hundreds of hours of appointments and assessments). It felt so unfair, to have one following another.
When I'm feeling really sorry for myself, DH will tell me too: "Maybe these are our only challenges and we won't have to deal with anything in the future!" Sometimes I believe him, but sometimes I think: "I don't care, I want someone else to suffer." (He usually teases me when I say that, and tells me that it's too bad I wasn't born an evil queen.) I think when you're actively dealing with something acute, or going through something, it can be hard to get perspective, and I definitely have nights where I lose mine.
But the reality of all this is that life isn't fair. I wish suffering were more even - I wish everyone faced monumental challenges equally - but they don't. Some people have sh*ttier lives than others. Some people face more monumental challenges than others.
And, if I'm really honest, as much as IF sucks, and whatever other challenges I may have faced, I struggle less than other people. I've struggled more than a lot of my friends in some key ways (IF), but way, way less in other ways. In some ways, I'm even grateful to have experienced IF, because it's made me understand inequality more. Not that I ever didn't know inequality existed or that I've ever been an unaware person, but there's something about actively facing an unfair struggle for years on end with no resolution that can make you realize how hard life must be for some people.
IRL, I have a pretty serious nerdy streak. I keep thinking about that Game of Thrones quote from last season: "There is no justice in the world, not unless we make it." I hate IF and it's a huge challenge and so unfair. And there are so many other hugely unfair challenges... Maybe I think about this more because I want to be a parent? Like, we think so much about what kind of world do we want for our children? how do we make it better? what can we do? Ugh.
(Anyway, that's probably enough from me... So many thoughts about all of this. Also, I'm so sorry about your father - that's a really hard way to lose someone. I hope you aren't faced with any more challenges anytime soon too. )
Just want to give the board an update. I wish I had good news but I don’t. Beta yesterday was 97 which is barely a 15% rise. Bloods and ultrasounds in the next few days to confirm if it’s a chemical/early m/c or an ectopic. Devastated and at a loss for what to do next. This was our 4th FET, 3rd with a PGS tested embryo.
@funkykey I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried and screemed to DW I can’t take this limbo anymore. I’ve threated to sell out house and build schools in Africa or start foster care. It’s hard to stay the course for so so many years when everyone around you seems to be moving forward….and having awesome Mexico vacations. I know it builds character but sometimes I think geeze how much character does one person need?
@Crystal321 you have been through so much and I’m glad you have been able to gain so much appreciation from it! Thank you for keeping us positive.
@natehk I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry. I wish there were answers for you, and actually I just wish you were in a position where you didn’t even have questions that needed answers. I’ve been thinking about you so much these past few days and really hoped things would start looking up. Do you have a wtf appointment with your RE? After that many transfers and PGS testing it seems like you are doing everything right. I just don’t understand the universe sometimes. I’ll keeping praying/thinking about you.
TTC History in Spoiler ***Trigger Warning*** Losses/Child Mentioned
2016
* April IUI#1 - BFN
* June IUI#2 - BFN
* July IUI#3 - CP
* Sept IVF#1 - 4 Retrieved & Mature, 4 Blasts. Fresh Transfer 1 - CP
* November FET #1 - Transferred 1 Blast - CP
2017 Switched REs - Recurrent loss testing for me - all normal, remaining 2 frosties sent for PGS - both abnormal
* April/May IVF#2: 9 retrieved, 8 mature, 7 fertilized, 7 blasts! Sent for testing - 2PGS Normals (0 remaining)
* November IVF #3 12R, 8M, 6F, 4 blasts! - All 4 PGS normal!
* November FET# 2 (Transfer a PGS normal from IVF#2) - BFP!!!
2018 DD born 8/20/18
2019 5PGS frosties ( 4 remaining)
* September FET#3 (1PGS normal) - Beta#1: 139.7 Beta#2: 322.6
Hi guys,
It's been a crazy day
*****TW************
I started bleeding this afternoon out of nowhere. It was a big gush of blood. Immediately called my RE and they saw me straight away. I had clots in my cervix but by then no more active bleeding - u/s showed us everything was fine. I'm super shaken up and got put on bedrest for a week. Now just have to watch for more bleeding. I spotted a little bit a little while ago. Just hoping it stops. I'm having some cramps, but nothing constant. Just pray everything stay healthy and that this is a huge scare. Any words of encouragement are welcomed. Plus I feel super guilty because I've been extra busy at work this week and on my feet a lot. Plus I'm dealing with an awful cold. Yesterday I felt physically drained. I have to start listening to my body more & know when to stop. Sigh.