November FET

adirat

@businesswife Hugs friend. I'm really sorry to hear it. November was unkind to so many of us.

I truly hope that December will be your ticket!

tinjp78

@BusinessWife Lots and lots of hugs to you. 

coco305

@BusinessWife I am so sorry

2MomsHoping

@BusinessWife I'm so sad to see your news.  

ReesaAnne16

@BusinessWife I'm so sorry friend  

Hopeful_mom

@BusinessWife so very sorry

Holls214

@BusinessWife I’m so so sorry. Thinking about you. 

coco305

@sunnyrain2 good luck on your beta today! 

2MomsHoping

@sunnyrain2 I didn't really today was the big day.  Good luck!!!

sunnyrain2

Thanks!  I should get the results in 6 hours. Such a long wait. I had a positive digital test yesterday so I know it will be positive, just gotta watch the number double. My first ultrasound will be at 6 weeks. 

funkykey

@sunnyrain2 - hoping for good news! xo 

@BusinessWife - how are you holding up? Thinking of you.

[Deleted User]

@funkykey. Ahh, you know.... shitty. Lol. What're'ya gonna do.  How are You???  ((((Hugs))))  This whole thing was supposed to be very different for both of us.... :/  it stinks.

[Deleted User]

@sunnyrain2. Congrats!

FTR, though, you might have spoilered your digi results.  Some of us are still reeling, and it comes off pretty cavalier or tone-deaf to what's happening with the rest of the board. Thanks

Bababatty

@BusinessWife I am so, so sorry!! I know you were “prepared” but that doesn’t make it any easier. Having that little bit of hope and then having it wrenched away from you is the worst thing I’ve experienced in several years of heartbreaking IF experiences, and I imagine you’re feeling the same way. Be angry, cry, mourn, lose hope but find that hope again, take the time you need to get through this, be good to yourself. I can’t say anything to make it better, but I understand, I wish you weren’t going through this, and I am there for you however you need it. I am sending you SO MANY hugs right now, and I’m praying for you and YH that you get your sticky bean/take home baby ASAP. You’ve got a good plan going forward. I’m already stalking December FET and I’ll be rooting for you.

[Deleted User]

@Bababatty. Thank you so much, I can only imagine how much harder this gets the farther along you are.  My heart just breaks for you too.  I can't remember now tho, do you have a plan moving forward?   It seems a bit harsh on the one hand to be thinking about moving on so quickly, and on the other hand, I feel like our next transfer can't come soon enough.  It's like, if our heart is getting ripped out anyway, do we have to make it drag out? :/  I dunno.  I'm all over the place.

AlohaKumu

@BusinessWife

Bababatty

@BusinessWife I agree that it must get harder the longer you go, and I hope you don’t have to drag it out much longer! I’m really glad you are raring to go again. It doesn’t mean you weren’t excited or that you didn’t love for last bean. I think when we’ve been trying for so long (you started in Nov 2015, right? So we’ve both been going for about the same amount of time), we’re really motivated to avoid yet another delay. I think your readiness to try again shows a really positive outlook, even if you’re not feeling positive internally. 

I’m in a bit of a hiatus because we only have one embie left so we want to do another ER and transfer 2 going forward. (I wish we’d done the same as you and done another ER earlier this fall!) I also don’t see my RE for our WTF appointment until next week, and we want a 2nd opinion but can’t see that RE until beginning of January. So maybe in mid-January we can start another IVF cycle. Part of me wants to move ahead with just the one, but then I remind myself that I am doubting my clinic right now and that calms me down. 

ETA tag

2MomsHoping

@BusinessWife no matter how far along you are a loss is a loss you have every right to feel however you are feeling right now.  There is no right way to do this.  I put in the spoiler some of my struggles and what I did to heal.  It might be a bit much right now but when your ready maybe some of it can be of help.  Hugs.

Really allow yourself to be sad about this.  Deep down I somehow thought I didn't have a right to be sad, I kept telling myself that others had it much worse and I shouldn't "indulge" myself.  But the truth is that this is sad, its traumatic, and it is a real loss.  For me this was a huge hump to get over and it was really difficult to stop distracting myself and actually admit I was grieving.

It bothered me that I carried these little lives and no one else knew about them but me and DW. I was worried that their lives were so short that it didn't mean anything or they were forgotten.  But we knew and we decided to do something to kinda honor them each in our own way.  DW went the tattoo route (thats kinda her thing), and I crocheted little dolls, I added the initials we gave them on the back and donated them to a local foster care organization.  Kids without moms, and me a mom without a kid it just felt right to me.  It really doesn't matter what you do as long as its something that feels good in your heart.

The thing that helped me the most I think unfortunately sounds the craziest and I'm pretty embarrassed to admit it.  I started an email for my "future babies" and I wrote emails to them to tell them the stories of those that came before them so they would know.  I don't know why its so important to me that they would know the story but it is.  I actually have kept the email going and send an occasional funny screen shot of a text between DW and Me.  Or a story I remember and would want to tell them but can't because they aren't born yet.  It has kinda helped my holiday blues.  It seems so silly but it really helped me get through it and now it helps me keep that little sliver of hope I need so desperately sometimes.

There are also lots of traditions out there that might be helpful.  I came across the Japanese/Buddhist tradition of Jizo, and I really thought it was a beautiful way to honor/grieve it but I didn't see it until we really didn't need it anymore but I still toy with the idea of doing it.  Here is a link to the article. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/06/well/family/the-japanese-art-of-grieving-a-miscarriage.html

There is light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm a different person than I was before.  I am sad I never got to meet those little sparks of life but it makes my heart full that they are part of my story.  These experiences have helped me to realize my own strength and resilience.  These losses have made me a gentler, more grateful, and more loving person and when the time comes I know they will make me a better mom. 

Prayers for you my friend.  This is a difficult road but know I (and so many others) are here when you need us. 

Irisheyes81

@bababatty Sounds like you have a really amazing plan moving forward. I think a 2nd opinion is never a bad thing.  There are so many protocols and tests that places overlook. I always like to see you and the funny cat with a mustache picture by your name. I think you also have a really positive outlook.   

@BusinessWife creepy internet hugs.  I understand the sense of urgency.  It doesn't seem harsh at all!!  I'm going to 100% stalk the December FET board and keep cheering you on.   

Irisheyes81

@sunnyrain2 Congratulations! That's awesome. 

cseley321

@sunnyrain2 congrats! Good luck on your betas!

Bababatty

Thank you, @Irisheyes81! That’s my long-suffering kitty in that pic, lol.  How are you feeling? Everything still looking good, I hope!

@sunnyrain2 AMAZING! Congratulations!! How was your beta today?

Irisheyes81

@Bababatty that’s your real cat! That’s awesome and adorable! My picture is stolen from the internet but I do have a little tiny dauchound at home. ❤️  Everything is looking good for me but I feel a level of guilt and betrayal. I wanted this so much for the November FET group and this forum was the one thing that got me through. I don’t want to leave so I’m holding on for dear life. 

sunnyrain2

Thanks everyone. Beta was good, 79. I go back in on Monday. I have a history of loss so I imagine I’ll be a basket case for a while (the whole time probably)

is anyone else dealing with the PIO shortage?  Apparently it’s pretty hit or miss if it can be filled. My nurse had to call an order to Mandells to compound progesterone in ethyl olate. It’s a thinner oil so fine with me. 

AlohaKumu

@sunnyrain2 Yes, the PIO shortage is having a big impact here, too. I’ve never had to use a mail-order pharmacy before, but the RE’s referred me to Freedom. Thankfully it’s supposed to arrive at my house tomorrow, but they don’t anticipate my doctor’s office will get more until January. 

funkykey

@sunnyrain2 - great news, congratulations! This is your last attempt, right? Really hoping this one sticks!!

@BusinessWife - I'm holding up ok. Like, I've had a few moments of feeling like: "Why?", but overall, I have taken this disappointment much more in stride than other disappointments along this path. Isn't that funny? Like, being benched for ovarian cysts or a polyp made me so, so, sad, but a failed FET and I'm like: "Ok, when can we go again?"

Maybe because I didn't have a positive at all? Or maybe because of the neg HPT? Regardless, I seem to be handling this one okay. Which, in a way, is a relief. 

You really do learn so much about yourself going through IF. And so much about your partner, too. The things I've taken hard - anything to do with being benched - and DH is cool as a cucumber, he stays so calm and resolute. But the failed FET, and our roles are reversed. He's been really sad.

It makes me wonder a little bit about what will happen, and how we'll react to other things/ disappointments in the future. Hopefully, we won't have any! LOL!

@Bababatty - if I were in your position, I'd do another ER cycle. I'm hoping to do another FET either this month or next. I'd love if that stuck, but if it doesn't work our for us, I'd like to try another round of IVF. 

I keep thinking to myself that this is a numbers game. I think about my age, the number of eggs I've produced this past year, the family that I want, and I think: "play the odds". 

I think you are wise to get a second opinion.

AFM: AF is here, so we'll start figuring out our next steps. I'd like to do another transfer before February, but it will depend on timing and my clinic's Christmas closure. 

2MomsHoping

@sunnyrain2 great news on your beta   I hope it keeps doubling for you.  Keep hope alive you’ve made it this far you can make it to the next step!!!

@funkykey glad to see that you are doing ok, it’s so funny how different things get to us and some rounds are worse than others.  Hope DH is okay and you can do a transfer in January. 

Nothing new on my end.  Beta is on Sunday.  I didn’t test out my trigger but it was on 11/18 so that’s like 13 days ago so it should be clear by now right?  Still haven't decided if we are going to wait it out or not but DW is wanting to test tonight. 

adirat

@funkykey I hope you can get for another FET soon!

@bababatty I agree with @funkykey. I'm pretty sure that if our December FET also doesn't take, we'll do another egg retrieval. Really every option sucks, you know? But I feel like if I waited another couple years I'd really regret it.

Bababatty

@adirat and @funkykey Thanks for your advice! It’s good to see that you are thinking the same way—although obviously I hope this next one works for both of you! I like the ER not only because we can be more aggressive with transferring 2 (which is what my RE had said he’d recommend at our last WTF appointment) but also because I’d like to bank some embies from my 34-year-old eggs. 

@adirat How are you holding up?

@funkykey I’m glad you feel like you’re doing ok. It’s hard when you and YH aren’t on the same page, feelings-wise, but it sounds like you kind of balance each other out. I really hope you get in another transfer before Feb. It seems so far away and you’ve had quite enough delays. 

@sunnyrain2 I forgot this was potentially you’re last try. That makes this even better! Remind me when your next beta is?

@2MomsHoping I have really high hopes for you!! Good luck!

funkykey

Quick update: we're confirmed, and looks like we're on for another FET in January.

@Bababatty - but also because I’d like to bank some embies from my 34-year-old eggs. 

Exactly. In the back of my mind too, I'm always hoping for a second child. Even if I were 100% positive I'd have a baby with the three remaining embryos I have, I'm kind of thinking about baby #2. It might be greedy of me - I don't know if we'll even be able to have 1! - but when I think about getting KU-ed, I think how old I will be before my clinic will let me do another round, after a pregnancy... It's a struggle to conceive right now, if I know I can shave 1 1/2 years off my TTC #2 eggs, why wouldn't I try it?

DH is not sold, though, and he's a tough sell. There's a good chance I might not convince him, even with my most persuasive "get me pregnant" dress... We'll see. I'll have to cross that bridge if I get to it.

funkykey

@2MomsHoping - keeping FX for you!!

natehk

I have some news 

10dp5dt beta today was 56.  Worried it's too low but so so excited it's not an immediate BFN.  We go back on Sunday for beta #2

@funkykey and @adirat so glad you have a plan. Will lurk on the dec board and will be sending you tons of love and good luck!!!

[Deleted User]

@natehk. Fx so hard for Sunday!!!!!

@funkykey  yasss!  Here's to the New Year!!!  I don't think it's greedy at all.  I mean that's exactly what we did, and tbh, this first failure is already making me nervous about how many of our original 7 may pull through. :/  time will tell, but if you know you would rather NOT be OAD, i think it makes so much sense. @Bababatty. For us, we always wanted a big family.  I think DH will be happy if we end up with even just two.  (Although the thought of five failed transfers sounds pretty agonizing).  There is a voice that nags at me a bit, like we also only just have two more small frozen samples from DH... and if it comes to it, do I want to try our chances with those sooner?  Or with my eggs a few years down the road...?  :/  no easy answers, but they are definitely legitimate factors in these decisions with our care plans going forward.

*fix tag

Hopeful_mom

@Bababatty  I know it's always very hard to decide when is the right time to do another IVF cycle. I never thought I would've had to do five IVF cycles in a row to  hopefully bank enough normal embryos to have children. Because I was over 40 after TW: my MC I knew that I needed to change my fresh transfer plan and go down the FET bank embryo plan.   Do I wish I had a few years to play with and not have to do everything back to back sure!   At least the option is still open to you and you still have some time. Yes it is always better during this process to get the younger stronger eggs especially if you've been taking supplements and whatever else to make your eggs the best they can be then why wouldn't you want to get them out sooner than later.   Then there's always the money factor if you actually have insurance that covers it, I would totally go for it.

@funkykey I think you and your dress can talk your DH into anything 

tinjp78

@natehk That's awesome news! Fx on your next beta!

@2MomsHoping  Fx on your beta. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of these hardships. I was encouraged at what you wrote. The way you give importance to each moment and experience you encounter with your embabies is so inspiring. I'm glad that I got to meet you at this board and I'm rooting hard for you and your nugget.

@sunnyrain2  congrats on a good beta! I'll be praying and hoping for your success.

@adirat I'll be cheering you on the Dec FET.

@funkykey congrats on the confirmation for January FET. I'll be cheering on you on that board.

AFM, DH and I went to our new clinic today. We got the results of our blood work from 11/20. DH is all clear, my thyroid function is normal, my AMH is 0.56 and testosterone level is low so Dr recommended I take DHEA. It's not sold here in Japan so it's a bit hard for us to get a hold of it. We ordered a 15day supply from that clinic but it was so expensive. I also had a PCT test, turns out my CM is it that much this time (maybe due to my previous IVF meds) so DH's sperm were just gathered at the entrance of my uterus. Another thing, dr said that because of my uterus  shape, it is hard to see inside so I'd have to endure the pain during the u/s testings... whut??? Why oh why did my uterus suddenly decided to change its shape now? It didn't hurt that much with my previous dr last month. Anyway, I'll do whatever the doc says... ill endure. 

2MomsHoping

@natehk congrats!  It’s so hard to say without a second beta HCG numbers are always all over the place and my clinic has always said anything >50 is a good start.  FX for a good doubling on sunday!

@tinjp78 your too sweet.  It’s like your heart gave my heart a little hug today.  I needed it.  Thank you . Glad things are moving along for you.  I hope your u/s isn’t painful, I’m sometimes sensitive too seems to have a lot to do with who is operating it.  

HPT results in spoiler.

Results are mixed.  We got a good line last night so I was really enouraged and excited to take a test this morning.  I was so optimistic it would be even better because it would have been more concentrated than last night but the line was lighter this morning.  It’s still there and I logically know these tests are NOT quantitative but seeing a slightly lighter line is not what I wanted to see and with my history well I’m just not encouraged but I know there isn’t anything I can do but wait and hope it was just that sample and that test.  

[Deleted User]

@2MomsHoping thank you so much for sharing the Jizo article!  It meant so much to me to read that and just read about how another couple grieved their loss, it helped me grieve, too in a way. ❤  I'm sorry too about the mixed hpt results.  I knoe how hard it is to listen to your brain right now about the efficacy of the tests when your heart just wants to see them darken.... try not to think the worst. (((Hugs))) when is beta day???

JamieH2000

@2momshoping- I’m sure I would feel the same as you regarding the line colors but I am so excited for you to have two lines!! I really hope you have a great beta number tomorrow to feel reassured. Maybe try a digital unless that would make you more stressed? Thinking of you and sending lots of positive vibes your way!!

2MomsHoping

@BusinessWife beta day is tomorrow so a number might give me a better idea of what to expect.  Glad you liked the article, and hope each day gets a little better for you and so glad you will get to try again right away.

@JamieH2000 I do have some digital but I've never used one before.  I thought you had to have a pretty high HCG to get them to read positive so I always just stuck to the two lines ones.  

I'm going to test again tonight and hope for the best.  

JamieH2000

@2momshoping-8 believe the digital need 50 HCG to be positive? Hope your rest tonight is darker!!