I loved having the help and support. I am 'normally' a very independent person who likes to control things, and also very career oriented. But when it came to having my first, it was SO NICE having whatever help my husband, parents, sister/BIL, in-laws could provide (it's mostly not help with the baby if you are breastfeeding, but it's getting you food, emptying the dishwasher, doing the laundry, etc...all the things you won't get to otherwise). It's also adult conversation among the chaos!
In terms of how long people should stay, it really depends on the space you have and the type of help you want. I had a c-section, so was limited on tasks I could do myself. I was also in labour for so long that my in-laws actually had time to book a flight, pack, take a flight (2 hours), and still arrive hours before she was born. They stayed for a week (with us - extra bedroom) and my FIL left earlier, but he is useless with children (ugh - so traditional). My parents live here and I swear they must have helped 3-4 days a week for my entire year of maternity leave (I am in Canada - also my parents are much younger than my in-laws and so have much more energy to help). My husband also took 4 weeks off (he has so much vacation time and it was December).
Anyways...that long story just to say that you may not think you'd like people there, but I'm sure glad I didn't say no (even though I thought about it).
My mom is going to come right away and stay for a week, which i am totally fine with. She lives 4 hours away. We are very close and she's had 5 kids and 7 grandkids, so I figure she has a better idea of what to do than I do! My MIL lives about 30 minutes away, so I figured I will have her stop by occasionally. But, she's not one to get up in your business. I feel like I will have to invite her because she won't ask and I don't want to hurt her feelings or have her felt left out. My mom said she will take the dogs out, clean, cook and take the baby when I need to sleep. So pretty much everything I hate doing.
My husband is afraid of needles. With my first delivery, he had to step out when I got my epidural ffs, lol.
So this time around with the c-section, he's going to sit at my head and will probably not move an inch the entire time. As a nurse, during my courses, I assisted in 2 c-sections and now that i'm going to have one done myself, i wish I hadn't seen anything
************* First BFP: 12/16/13 EDD: 08/23/14 Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
Ive definitely decided no one will be allowed to come to the hospital until I'm moved to my post partum room. I do want to wait until labor ends to inform the grandparents, but I have a feeling my husband will break down and tell his parents and they will immediately start their 8 hour drive. I'm hoping once we have our hospital your this weekend we can use it as the starting off point to let grandparents know the rules. To put this all in context, my ILs basically camped out at my SILs hospital for her entire 44 hour labor...
The idea of having other people in our house while I'm getting used to mothering is terrifying to me. Both of our moms are local, and I'm going to see if I can limit them to visiting for no more than 1 hour per day. That I can handle. It might even be nice; I could go take a shower or something. My mom totally gets it, but MIL may not. They get along and chat, so I might enlist my mom to start saying things like "Xstatic is so independent we won't need to help much!" so that she doesn't take it personally. She felt abandoned by her family when she had H so I know she's coming from a good place, but we're different people, I'm a lot older, and H wants to be super hands-on.
I don't know what the heck I'm going to do this time. Everyone wants to come ASAP and I want them to so they can entertain Ava but I also want my house to myself so I can cry and have my boobs out and wear like a robe and sweatpants.
While I'm sure I'll be glad for help and having adult interaction, I'm kind of nervous to have my mom around that much. I haven't lived at home for almost 6 years now. And I'm wanting to BF so it'll feel awkward. I know I can tell her to help with house stuff but there's still not going to be a lot for her to do. And most of the time H will either be sleeping because of work or he'll be at work. So it will basically only be me, her, and the baby. I don't really know how to explain my feelings and H just keeps saying I'll be glad to not be by myself with a crying baby all the time. I don't know...
My ILs and SILs don't live very far from us so I'm sure they will want to come visit as well.
H said last night that he fully expects his dad to drive 3 hrs and set up camp at the hospital. I want to say "f that noise. we'll call when the baby is out and we're all okay." But then I remember that H is an anxiety-ridden mess and it may actually calm him to have his dad nearby. So, I'm thinking about it. I'll have a doula so I'll be okay, H might need some support from his dad.
Both my parents and mil live about an hour to an hour and a half away from us. We'll let them know when i go to the hospital but its not really a thing here to have anyone camped out at the hospital so not expecting to see anyone until visiting times either later that day or the next day when there will prob be quite a few family members from my mums side come to see us (aunts & cousins that im close to). I would like to go to my parents for a little wile for my mum to help me out or have her stay with us but shes a teacher & works full time so it wont really be possible but when my husband goes back to work we will prob go stay with my parents for a few weeks so i wont be on my own all day everyday (my dad is a farmer so is about & can watch the baby while i grab a shower etc & he'll make the dinner so i wont have to worry about that kind of thing).
@becbec28 Yeah it was kind of boring/awkward with just me and my mom in the beginning. I was either trying to nurse or the baby was sleeping. We watched A LOT of tv. That's all I can remember.
I feel like I don't care if people want to camp out at the hospital as long as they realize that it could be hours and they aren't allowed in until the baby and I are all cleaned up and have hopefully had skin to skin and breastfed. I'm not rushing those moments b/c they felt like they had to sit in the waiting room. If they are ok with that then great but it'd probably make more sense for them to just wait until they get a text that we're all set. But to each is own. I'm not OK with anyone staying with us for the first couple weeks while DH is home too. I want that time to bond as a family. Short visits are fine with me. I know my parents are going to think this is unfair since DH's parents live 15 minutes from us and they live 8 hrs which really rules out short visits for my parents but it is what it is. I'm planning on asking them to come and stay for a week or so when DH goes back to work and hopefully that will make them feel better. If not oh well.
Me: 33 | DH: 34 Married: October, 19, 2015 EDD 2/22/17 DS1 born on 3/2/17 EDD 3/8/20 DS2 born on 3/10/20 EDD 11/24/23 (Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
Hey funny story about hospital campers. With our son (our first) once we knew I was being admitted, my husband called my parents and his parents. We had everyone there in the waiting room in no time. I had been up all night from labor and didn't sleep for over 24 hrs, so I didn't want visitors since I was quite irritable. I ended up getting an epidural, so my husband went out to let everyone know what was going on. My mil said "How's kelly doing?" And my husband said "she's sleeping" haha my mil still talks about how they sat there for several hours bored while I was sleeping before I even had the baby.
My parents will (hopefully - if their house gets done) live only 10 minutes from us when the baby is born. I plan to text them when we're headed to the hospital, but only because I need them available to let our dogs out while we're in labor. DH can buzz home after the baby gets here (if he wants...or they can support), and my parents can come visit after we're in our PP room. His parents live 2 hours away, so he can call them/send photos after the baby arrives. They're older, and likely won't make the drive down to us.
Now for figuring out how to communicate that to my parents.
I guess I'm in the minority here but I wish I had someone who wanted to/could come help me when the baby is born. Our parents are local but H's mom works and doesn't drive and my mom works, and I also have a little sister in elementary school so she is needed in her own household. H works a lot and won't get much time off at all, so it will be just me alone with my toddler and newborn all day very early on. Honestly I'm kind of terrified. My mom came over and helped as much as she could after I had DD but I still felt so overwhelmed and lonely. I would love if she could actually come stay and help for any amount of time.
I can answer both of the top two last questions. As far as the C-section I remember the advice given to my husband was along the lines of don't look over the curtain. He seemed to have that General opinion with my younger daughter that was a vbac as well.
As far as family members to come and stay, ours lived close , so they didn't stay overnight or anything but could come, bring food, do dishes, and help with laundry. My Mom was awesome at that. My MIL not as much.
I have tried to give this advice out to anyone becoming a grandma for the first time, lol. I wish I knew more grandmas that I could pass this along to, or hey, I could always call any of your mother's or mother-in-law's if you want. If you want to come and hold a baby that's great but only if you have brought food and I'm allowed to go take a shower or a nap while you are holding the baby, LOL.
When my twins were born they were the first grandchildren on both sides so we had a very eager grandparents and aunts and uncles who loved helping. But most of the time in the very beginning, I was off in the other room pumping while other people snuggled the babies and gave them their bottles. That part was really really hard for me because I was lonely and also I felt like I was worthless as their mother for awhile. When my youngest was born she was exclusively breastfed and preferred me over anybody else. So I didn't run into that issue again but I also had talked about that to people like my mother about how it made me feel.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
I read a random article that mentioned that, my Dr has never said a word to me about my undergarment choices so I just assumed a comfy maternity bra would be fine, underwire or not
@BlondePeanut I really don't know if it matters or not. But from my experience, while pregnant with both DS and DD I wore an underwire while pregnant. Then when I was pumping I wore an underwire free nursing maternity bra... but when I wanted more oomph I popped on an underwire bra. I had plenty of milk. Underwire could be pretty painful though when your milk first comes in. Your boobs will magically get ginormous and the underwire might dig in... it hurts just thinking about it.
@FreshBakedBrownies he totally wants to watch, and my dr said he could. I told him if it's planned and I'm not scared, I'm ok with it. He's a biology nerd and can totally handle it. Buuuuut I don't want commentary on it during the procedure.
Baby b has been breech almost all pregnancy, which I guess is good for growth. I'm trying to just roll with the punches and mentally prepare myself either way
@kswiger06 - Thanks! Good to know I had a feeling it was just an opinion based article or my Dr would've warned me to not wear underwire weeks ago, but of course I got paranoid lol
@BlondePeanut I couldn't tell a difference in my supply, my supply issues were from my boys not latching correctly. As far as comfort though, I liked the the bras without the underwire for the first few months since my boobs got so sore in the beginning. Engorged boobs and the extra support from the wire really hurt.
@BlondePeanut I think it's just personal preference. I wore underwire nursing bras the whole time with both kiddos. Although let's be real, I also rocked the sleep nursing bra or just Cami sometimes especially at home. Haha. But I loved my underwire ones and didn't find the wires to be an issue. Some people have issues with getting clogs if the wire presses wrong into the breast tissue. But I never got a single clog, so you may be just fine.
I leaked a TON with my first two. I tried the reusable nursing pads and they were basically useless for me. I didn't like the feel of the Lanisoh ones - they felt like they had a plasticky covering kind of like Always pads.
@becbec28 I had the bamboobies overnights and changed them at every feeding.. I am a seriously heavy leaker and still needed a towel under me at night. this time I ordered these which are like half the price of overnight bamboobies and seem exactly the same
@becbec28 I bought the washable kind, and had disposables as back up, but I was always leaking through the reusables and it got old trying to keep up on washing them. Eventually I completely switched over to disposables. It was a long time ago for me though, so maybe they are better now?
@HeatSparks my H would totally want to watch a c-section too! He was a little disappointed when the childbirth class teacher said they don't allow partners on the doctor's side of the curtain. He is not squeamish about anything and finds things like surgery cool on a scientific level.
On the note of visitors, H has four weeks of paid extended leave he can use, but we recently found out that he has to use it all at once. Originally we had planned for him to take two weeks of EL when the baby was born, then two weeks later, plus a couple weeks of vacation when I went back to work. but now, since it has to be used all at once, he will be home with us for four weeks at the beginning. Before we made that decision, my MIL had requested the time off work to come stay with us for a week two weeks after the baby is born. She is super helpful and very experienced with kids (and a nurse!), and not at all difficult to be around, but now I am wishing she was coming later since I could use her help once H is back at work. Though I am sure she would be willing to come back for another week at some point.
MIL is the only person allowed to come stay with us. My mom lives a mile away, so she will also be around to help when we need it. Otherwise I plan to limit visits to an hour (unless someone wants to come over and clean and make me dinner).
I have a kind of weird question, someone asked me if I wanted more kids after this one. I thought it was kind of crazy to ask about more kids when I haven't even had the first one. It made me think, I have no idea whether or not I want more. I know the decision will come to me later when the time is right. But I guess the question could apply to both FTMs and STMs. How did you know you wanted more kids after the first, and if you're a FTM that is leaning more towards one and done, what made you come to that decision?
Im a ftm @LivingLaVidaGinger & i like the idea of 2 as i couldnt imagine life without my sister but at the same time am very much wait and see how the first one goes before comitting to anything!
@LivingLaVidaGinger I grew up with 4 other siblings. I always imagined having 2 or 3 kids. My siblings and I often fought and rarely got along, but I wouldn't change a minute of it. (Not sure how my parents feel lol) but my H and I had our first 2 very young. I was only 19 and 22 when they were born. Technically we weren't "ready" but after our surprise first we wanted another one to be closer in age. They are 2 1/2 years apart. Now I feel "ready" and stable and like the idea of a big family. It's weird because people will always ask you about another, even though you are pregnant. What's funny for me is that, we are actually open to the idea of another. We haven't said oh yes we for sure want to make it 4, and we haven't said we are done. So when people ask us that stupid question, I respond with "actually, we are open to having more after this one." Every single persons face is priceless. I have no clue what they are expecting to hear, but clearly it's not what I told them. But I agree with @Janefelicity unless you are set in stone with only wanting 1, there's no sense in "planning" it out. Just go with how you feel as time goes on... and also one of my sister's always said she was NEVER having any kids. Well she had a surprise pregnancy and now has 3 biological kids and a step daughter at 27 years old lol.
I'm a FTM but I know I want more children. H and I have always talked always talked about having 2 or 3. I'm not sure now if I'll want to have more biological children, though, given the higher risk of complications occurring again. I've always wanted to adopt in addition to having bio kids so we will see how things go and what the doctor says once we have this one.
@LivingLaVidaGinger I knew I wanted to have another when I was pregnant with my first, I didn't want her to be an only child. I also knew I wanted to have another when she was 3 and I am grateful to have had it work out that way. I always felt like 2 was an ideal number up until this pregnancy, and I'm surprised that I don't feel done and I think I would actually like to have 3 children. If/when it actually happens it very much undecided, but I never though I would have this desire.
I'm a FTM but I know I want more children. H and I have always talked always talked about having 2 or 3. I'm not sure now if I'll want to have more biological children, though, given the higher risk of complications occurring again. I've always wanted to adopt in addition to having bio kids so we will see how things go and what the doctor says once we have this one.
Do your doctors know for sure why you had pprom? For me it was an unexpected incompetent cervix (unexpected since my first son was born at 40wks with no complications). I got a preventative cervical cerclage this time and the stress has been huge (but my twins didn't live since my pprom happened so early). We always wanted 3-4 kids, but with the added stress of everything (unexplained infertilty/having to do ivf and now the cervix issues/needing a cerclage) I'm done after this baby.
I have a kind of weird question, someone asked me if I wanted more kids after this one. I thought it was kind of crazy to ask about more kids when I haven't even had the first one. It made me think, I have no idea whether or not I want more. I know the decision will come to me later when the time is right. But I guess the question could apply to both FTMs and STMs. How did you know you wanted more kids after the first, and if you're a FTM that is leaning more towards one and done, what made you come to that decision?
Before I had DD, I wanted to have 3 or 4 and so did DH. He comes from a larger family. After I had her, I realized how much I couldn't personally handle that many kids financially and probably emotionally (I dealt with some pretty serious PPD that I never wanted to get help for and I still have anxiety issues). Especially so close in age. I pushed off having this kid for as long as I could to try and limit the daycare expenses and diapers and such. Plus, I am still really anxious about going from 1 to 2 and how it will affect our family dynamic and my relationship with DD. We keep saying this is the last for us, but I know my DH still wants more.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you never really know until you know. Who knows, maybe my mind will change even again after this but for now, the plan is that this is it for us.
@LivingLaVidaGinger I can offer a different perspective. We're leaning towards OAD, but open to changing our minds. Both of us just kind of picture our family with three people. It's mostly a gut thing. In some ways, however, it's also a practical thing. We can't afford two in daycare so they'd need to be spaced out quite a bit. H will be in his 40s by the time DS is in school and though I think there's nothing wrong with that, he's not sure about starting from scratch at that point. I haven't really talked about it here, but I also find pregnancy really mentally tough and wouldn't mind not doing it again, at least for a while.
I will say this, as an only child-it doesn't suck! As a kid, sure, I'd ask about a sibling, but as an adult I bare my parents zero ill will for their decision. I just think it's important to give onlies lots of kid-centric activity time and guard against spoiling from the grandparents, which we're already planning for.
@FreshBakedBrownies They have no idea and said it's often unexplained. We may learn more at delivery but likely won't, which is what makes it difficult to understand the risk of it happening again. I was having a textbook, boring pregnancy until they identified low fluid at a scan at 28 weeks, then pprom at 29+6.
Having another experience like this doesn't scare me that much (though it sucks in many ways). I am way more freaked out at the thought of a late loss due to earlier pprom. Im so sorry for your experience with your twins. I'm glad your cerclage has seemed to have done the trick!
I'm so close to the experience right now and don't know the outcome of this pregnancy yet, though I know that she most likely will be just fine in the long-term. I suspect with time and perspective I might feel differently.
Sorry for the novel, apparently I have lots of feels about this
Re: Ask a STM December edition
In terms of how long people should stay, it really depends on the space you have and the type of help you want. I had a c-section, so was limited on tasks I could do myself. I was also in labour for so long that my in-laws actually had time to book a flight, pack, take a flight (2 hours), and still arrive hours before she was born. They stayed for a week (with us - extra bedroom) and my FIL left earlier, but he is useless with children (ugh - so traditional). My parents live here and I swear they must have helped 3-4 days a week for my entire year of maternity leave (I am in Canada - also my parents are much younger than my in-laws and so have much more energy to help). My husband also took 4 weeks off (he has so much vacation time and it was December).
Anyways...that long story just to say that you may not think you'd like people there, but I'm sure glad I didn't say no (even though I thought about it).
So this time around with the c-section, he's going to sit at my head and will probably not move an inch the entire time. As a nurse, during my courses, I assisted in 2 c-sections and now that i'm going to have one done myself, i wish I hadn't seen anything
First BFP: 12/16/13
EDD: 08/23/14
Baby BOY born: 08/29/14
While I'm sure I'll be glad for help and having adult interaction, I'm kind of nervous to have my mom around that much. I haven't lived at home for almost 6 years now. And I'm wanting to BF so it'll feel awkward. I know I can tell her to help with house stuff but there's still not going to be a lot for her to do. And most of the time H will either be sleeping because of work or he'll be at work. So it will basically only be me, her, and the baby. I don't really know how to explain my feelings and H just keeps saying I'll be glad to not be by myself with a crying baby all the time. I don't know...
My ILs and SILs don't live very far from us so I'm sure they will want to come visit as well.
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
either later that day or the next day when there will prob be quite a few family members from my mums side come to see us (aunts & cousins that im close to).
I would like to go to my parents for a little wile for my mum to help me out or have her stay with us but shes a teacher & works full time so it wont really be possible but when my husband goes back to work we will prob go stay with my parents for a few weeks so i wont be on my own all day everyday (my dad is a farmer so is about & can watch the baby while i grab a shower etc & he'll make the dinner so i wont have to worry about that kind of thing).
Married: October, 19, 2015
EDD 2/22/17
EDD 3/8/20
EDD 11/24/23
(Formerly Marriedhamstermom Feb ‘17)
Now for figuring out how to communicate that to my parents.
As far as family members to come and stay, ours lived close , so they didn't stay overnight or anything but could come, bring food, do dishes, and help with laundry. My Mom was awesome at that. My MIL not as much.
I have tried to give this advice out to anyone becoming a grandma for the first time, lol. I wish I knew more grandmas that I could pass this along to, or hey, I could always call any of your mother's or mother-in-law's if you want. If you want to come and hold a baby that's great but only if you have brought food and I'm allowed to go take a shower or a nap while you are holding the baby, LOL.
When my twins were born they were the first grandchildren on both sides so we had a very eager grandparents and aunts and uncles who loved helping. But most of the time in the very beginning, I was off in the other room pumping while other people snuggled the babies and gave them their bottles. That part was really really hard for me because I was lonely and also I felt like I was worthless as their mother for awhile. When my youngest was born she was exclusively breastfed and preferred me over anybody else. So I didn't run into that issue again but I also had talked about that to people like my mother about how it made me feel.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
Baby b has been breech almost all pregnancy, which I guess is good for growth. I'm trying to just roll with the punches and mentally prepare myself either way
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
These were my favorites: https://www.amazon.com/Johnsons-Nursing-Pads-Contour-60/dp/B00JR97RYW/ref=sr_1_1_s_it?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1481576128&sr=1-1&keywords=johnson+&+johnson+nursing+pads They're soft and cottony rather than plasticky feeling. And they absorb a lot.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01CNOHTZE/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Medela Disposable Nursing Bra Pads, 120 Count https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HUARZSS/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_Qj5tybSY4E4HX
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
On the note of visitors, H has four weeks of paid extended leave he can use, but we recently found out that he has to use it all at once. Originally we had planned for him to take two weeks of EL when the baby was born, then two weeks later, plus a couple weeks of vacation when I went back to work. but now, since it has to be used all at once, he will be home with us for four weeks at the beginning. Before we made that decision, my MIL had requested the time off work to come stay with us for a week two weeks after the baby is born. She is super helpful and very experienced with kids (and a nurse!), and not at all difficult to be around, but now I am wishing she was coming later since I could use her help once H is back at work. Though I am sure she would be willing to come back for another week at some point.
MIL is the only person allowed to come stay with us. My mom lives a mile away, so she will also be around to help when we need it. Otherwise I plan to limit visits to an hour (unless someone wants to come over and clean and make me dinner).
For me it was an unexpected incompetent cervix (unexpected since my first son was born at 40wks with no complications).
I got a preventative cervical cerclage this time and the stress has been huge (but my twins didn't live since my pprom happened so early).
We always wanted 3-4 kids, but with the added stress of everything (unexplained infertilty/having to do ivf and now the cervix issues/needing a cerclage) I'm done after this baby.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you never really know until you know. Who knows, maybe my mind will change even again after this but for now, the plan is that this is it for us.
I will say this, as an only child-it doesn't suck! As a kid, sure, I'd ask about a sibling, but as an adult I bare my parents zero ill will for their decision. I just think it's important to give onlies lots of kid-centric activity time and guard against spoiling from the grandparents, which we're already planning for.
Having another experience like this doesn't scare me that much (though it sucks in many ways). I am way more freaked out at the thought of a late loss due to earlier pprom. Im so sorry for your experience with your twins. I'm glad your cerclage has seemed to have done the trick!
I'm so close to the experience right now and don't know the outcome of this pregnancy yet, though I know that she most likely will be just fine in the long-term. I suspect with time and perspective I might feel differently.
Sorry for the novel, apparently I have lots of feels about this