Ask a STM December edition

birdiejo

Just realized it was December.  

Two months to go! Ask your questions here!!!

Spicyweiner

Meh, I still have 24/28 days of February haha

tentacular

I have a question for TTMs or soon-to-be-STMs. What are you guys doing (or what did you do) to prepare your kiddo to be a big brother or sister? I'm sort of terrified about the transition, and the inevitable change in my relationship with my son. We're so close. I'm heartbroken to think we might lose that. I want to make it as easy on him as possible, and would love some ideas/theories on how others will manage or have managed the transition. Now that it's getting closer, it's all feeling so real!

Xstatic3333

Potentially gross question. 


Am I going to have to sleep in a bra from now until weaning? I loathe sleeping in bras, even sports bras, but I think I loathe waking up to wet spots even more. I'm assuming this problem only gets worse. 

lct2008

@tentacular We explained to ds about the baby and made it exciting to try to feel baby move etc. We also got a little gift that we knew he'd love and when he came to the hospital to meet his sister he got the gift "from her" 
After she was home I made sure to still have special times with him. Like put the baby down and say ok baby brother needs special time with mommy now. I think that helped him not only because of the one on one time but saying that made him know that we love him and our time with him was still important even if we were more busy with baby now. 
Also I made sure he was involved. He'd help me get diapers, or wipe etc and I'd tell him what a big helper he was. 
We will do the same sort of things this time although dd is a bit younger than ds was when she was born, so I'm not sure yet how that will factor in to the change. 

HeatSparks

@tentacular you will still be the same close -- maybe closer Ugghhhhh bump ate a huge comment. Will edit again when I'm not driving. 

PerraSucia

@Xstatic3333 post birth I sleep on towels. Do you have sleeping bras or shelf bra tank tops or anything

kswiger06

@tentacular with DS he was two and a half when DD was born. He "helped" a lot. He liked getting diapers and picking out a toy for her to play with... with us though, my son did end up pulling away some. I don't think it was because of jealousy or anything, I just think he saw that the baby needed mommy more. He still was lovey, but he didn't cuddle as often. But he took well to his sister and they are IMO pretty close. With this baby they are older 7 and 10 and they are both soooo excited and ask a bunch of questions and stuff on their own so I don't really do much to prep them other than telling them they need to start practicing being quieter sometimes.

kswiger06

@Xstatic3333 I always wore a bra 24/7 while breastfeeding/pumping. I had to keep those pads in my bra at all times too. Your boobs will leak at random times and it's pretty embarrassing to have wet stains lol. Sometimes even with the pads, I still leaked out of my bra and woke up wet   

PerraSucia

Also leaky people grey is not your friend. 

HeatSparks

@tentacular you will be the same close! Maybe closer, because he gets to see you in a new role and he will be a part of that new role. Kids' hearts grow with siblings, too. Make his new promotion as big brother really important. Also, though I remember someone telling me this and hating the thought, this could be an awesome opportunity  for DS to bond with another family member, like your husband or a grandparent. Maybe assign someone the job of buddying up with him. 

@Xstatic3333 depends! Until I figured out my supply/routine, my go-to was a bralet and shorts for sleeping, with nursing pads because there were a  handful of times where I woke up stuck to the sheets.  Also, you might find that the sleeping nursing bras are really comfortable. I wore them all day. I may or may not be wearing one right now. 

poofwok

kswiger06 said:

@Xstatic3333 I always wore a bra 24/7 while breastfeeding/pumping. I had to keep those pads in my bra at all times too. Your boobs will leak at random times and it's pretty embarrassing to have wet stains lol. Sometimes even with the pads, I still leaked out of my bra and woke up wet   

So much this. I leaked through my pads every day for the first month or so. I had bought some re-usable ones but after 2 weeks I was so fed up of cleaning them that I sent H out to buy me a big box of disposable ones. 

Xstatic3333

Thanks guys! I don't have sleeping or nursing bras yet but perhaps it's time to put my Kohl's gift card to work. I've been sleeping in sports bras for running but they're getting kinda snug. Time to adapt to the new normal!

tentacular

I love the idea of keeping him involved with helping his little brother, and prioritizing out loud my time with him. I'm trying to build whole little arsenal of tools to make it easier. It's such a big change, and while he's getting something awesome (a brother, wow!) he's also losing something really big. I want to acknowledge that without making it worse...

Did you guys prepare your LOs ahead of time for the fact that babies cry constantly and are no fun and will suck a lot of mom and dad's time? I can't decide whether or not being straight and honest about this will help or not. I don't want to encourage negative feelings about the coming baby, but I also want him to be prepared for the fact that it's not going to be a lot of fun for him at first. 

birdiejo

@tentacular it's feeling so real for me too! How old is your son? In response to your last question I know not everyone can do this because we don't all have babies readily available but my SIL just had her son a few months ago and we've seen him a number of times. We were able to tell her that her brother is going to be just like him. She didn't seem taken aback at all by his behaviors and was really just curious and concerned when he would cry. The only thing we did notice is she'll want attention as well so she'll do something silly or say she's a baby too when she's around him. But for the most part she adapted well to being around him, was almost innately gentle and careful around him etc. 

I don't know if that helps at all in calming any anxieties?

birdiejo

Also I would stick to wording everything in a positive way... "baby brother is coming soon and he's going to need a lot of my attention but I'm so excited for you to meet him, aren't you so happy to become a big brother?".

kswiger06

tentacular said:

Did you guys prepare your LOs ahead of time for the fact that babies cry constantly and are no fun and will suck a lot of mom and dad's time? I can't decide whether or not being straight and honest about this will help or not. I don't want to encourage negative feelings about the coming baby, but I also want him to be prepared for the fact that it's not going to be a lot of fun for him at first. 

Hmm... I didn't think about that for my kids lol... but my daughter (She's 7) has been carrying baby dolls around and trying to make me hold and feed them. When I told her I didn't want to once, she said "well you need to practice for the baby" lol 

I think I won't tell them ahead of time about the lesser desirable things like crying and sucking up attention, I'll just explain it as it happens. I'm sure my kids will ask why the baby cries so much, or why the baby needs so many diaper changes. I never talked to DS about it ahead of time either, other than just keeping positive like you're going to be a big brother, you can help with baby sister, stuff like that. Really for me, my son loved getting diapers or even throwing dirty ones away. He would do lots with her that I never thought about until it happened... this is obviously when DD was getting bigger, but he would "feed" her snacks to "help" Even though she could do it on her own lol and then the dark one is because he was snuggling her when no one was looking so I had to sneak the pic... then just to show that he showed love for her... I'll delete them after a few minutes

cantalopes24

@tentacular I did. I also explained to them that they have to be quiet and for the first month or two they'll be very limited on when and who comes in the house as far as their friends go and what they'll be allowed to do if they're in the house. My youngest just turned 5 so we've been working with her on being more independent so when the baby gets here she won't need to wait for us to do certain things for her. Their chores have also increased in anticipation of me being tired and busy.

Spicyweiner

OMg so cute @kswiger06

kswiger06

Thanks @Spicyweiner

lfrank12

Did any of your husband's feel disconnected to the baby/pregnancy before the baby was born? My husband keeps saying everything doesn't feel real yet and I'm wondering if that is normal and if there is anything I need to do or if it will just happen naturally?

PerraSucia

@lfrank12 there is a saying about how a mom falls in love the minute she knows and the dad the minute he lays eyes on the baby. Obviously that's not the case for everyone but I mean the expression came from somewhere. 

JulesFo

@lfrank12 So very, very normal, IMO. My husband was great and supportive, but did not feel very connected to the kids while they were in utero. It actually took awhile after they were born as well. He loved them both, but it takes awhile to form that relationship, and that's okay. With DD2, DH (and I) took the pressure off, realizing that the bond does come...just at different points for everyone.

birdiejo

@lfrank12 my husband rarely wants to talk about anything baby related because it's not real yet. But it changes once the baby is born. The only time I saw him cry was when she first came out. 

foxrosy

@lfrank12 My SO barely ackwledges I'm even pregnant. I think for a lot of guys it gets "real" when the baby is out. And then some even take a little longer bonding because newborns aren't all smiles and personality. They kind of lay there like, "What have you done for me lately?" Haha! I think it's pretty normal.

lfrank12

Thanks everyone! Glad to confirm it's normal. I'm excited to see how he reacts once she is out!

Spicyweiner

I agree, totally normal. 

fourPsinapod

Normal for sure. I think this time around, DH is maybe a smidge more invested but I think because he already knows what it's like to have a little girl who just is obsessed with him and he's excited for 2. 

Starfish113

I agree it's normal. There's nothing for them to really "connect" to right now. We are living all the aches and pains, but also all the movements and kicks! Yes, DH feels her at night on the couch sometimes when she's especially kicking, but it's not the same as what I experience every day. It will be different for him once the baby is here

poofwok

With our first, I didn't mind that DH was somewhat disconnected because I understood it was very different for him. It sometimes made me feel sad that I was already so in tune with our son and him
not so much but I swear, the day DS was born, it was like a light switch went on. The emotions and happiness I got to witness from my husband made it all worth it. He was instantly so so in love. What a sight! Don't worry about a thing @lfrank12!

WinchesterGirl

@lfrank12 This is our first too, and I'd say DH's level of connection changes day to day. He'll get very excited when he feels a kick, and he's happy to hear what milestones we hit each week, but it's just not the same for him. Other days he seems all business and focused on getting other stuff done that's not at all baby related. He is still more worried about taking care of me and how I'm doing than the baby, if that makes sense at all?

Starfish113

And honestly guys, it's normal if you don't feel a connection to the baby right away too. Some mothers will take a little time to transition from the huge change of having an outside baby, to being completely 100% in love. And for others it will be instant. But try not to get discouraged if it doesn't naturally happen right away. I think we all expect it to.

poofwok

Starfish113 said:

And honestly guys, it's normal if you don't feel a connection to the baby right away too. Some mothers will take a little time to transition from the huge change of having an outside baby, to being completely 100% in love. And for others it will be instant. But try not to get discouraged if it doesn't naturally happen right away. I think we all expect it to.

So much this! 

I felt so connected and overjoyed with the baby when he was in utero and then found myself having a lot trouble bonding with him after he was born. It's such an overwhelming time for all
mothers but like @Starfish113 you do get there and it gets easier with time! 

Starfish113

concreteangell said:

Starfish113 said:

And honestly guys, it's normal if you don't feel a connection to the baby right away too. Some mothers will take a little time to transition from the huge change of having an outside baby, to being completely 100% in love. And for others it will be instant. But try not to get discouraged if it doesn't naturally happen right away. I think we all expect it to.

So much this! 

I felt so connected and overjoyed with the baby when he was in utero and then found myself having a lot trouble bonding with him after he was born. It's such an overwhelming time for all
mothers but like @Starfish113 you do get there and it gets easier with time! 

It took me a little while too, and I thought something was wrong with me because everyone else was posting how in love they were! But I think one day I said it in an FFFC, and thankfully I realized I was sooooo not alone!! Once it clicked, it clicked HARD though!!!

LC12261012

Agree 100% with it being ok if the connection you have with your outside baby isn't instant. Looking back, I don't even remember how long it took to get there because eventually we did and once that happened it didn't even matter. It is so easy to be hard on yourself when all you see are new moms posting about how in love they are and nobody talks about not having those feelings. 

Also agree to it being 100% normal if your spouse hasn't bonded with baby yet. With DD he used to talk to her and feel her move lots, with this baby he has done that maybe a handful of times, if that. I know it's because this time we are busier and more preoccupied with DD and just everyday life. 

PerraSucia

I definitely feel less attached to this baby than I did my first.. I think it's partically because I've never really seen his face just 50 pictures of his genitals. 

scottipino

I remember the night my water broke with my second.  I had just gone to bed and was pissed because I wanted to get some sleep and being a VBAC I was not allowed to stay at home for a while.   My next thought was life is going to get hard and why did we do this again?  Pretty sure the bonding with that one didn't happen until after she was born.  Life was too busy dealing with #1, but it didn't take long at all after she was born.  

Partyof6?

Also, I want to add, PPD sucks.  Some of the having a hard time bonding with the baby stuff for me,  should have been a sign,  but I just thought I was a horrible mom.   I had such a different experience with my youngest daughter.   When she was born,  I had all the happy mama feelings and realized just how much it sucked that I was rovbed of it the first time.

I know it's not the same for everyone at all.  But I am sure we will all have our moments! I have seen check ins on other boards, and I know it is a good idea. 

HeatSparks

Well, since we are baring our souls...

My best friend/sister in law was killed by a wrong way drunk driver 3 weeks after my second son was born. She was 26, had been my brother's high school sweetheart, and they had (have?) two boys, 2 years old and 6 months. She went brain dead and my brother had to decide to take her off life support. 

I can't really remember holding Jack (my newborn) or feeding him or taking care of him. I know that I was doing all of that, because I was the primary caregiver, but everything is a haze. I remember pumping every day around the clock for hours, for months to get maybe 10 oz. I remember being in the hospital with him a week after her death with rsv and thinking it was all my fault because I had been watching his cousins and letting him share a bed with the sick 6-month old. And I know that every time now that he has any difficulty or I wonder if he's hitting milestones or he's being extra difficult, my first thought is that it's my fault because I checked out. 

And then I mentally walk myself out of it. And it's exhausting. Mom guilt is real and complicated But the up side is that, I think, most of us learn to be gentle with each other. 

Gretchypoo

Oh @HeatSparks my heart just broke for you. I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a good mom, sister and aunt. I can tell that just from your posts here. Your nephews are lucky to have you. They needed you just as much as your DS did at that time. I can't even imagine what you were going through or the pain you still feel. If you need a reminder of how awesome u are, PM me.

+1 to be gentle with yourself and others.

PerraSucia

@HeatSparks that's terrible.  Also so weird how the brain just shuts down and does necessities when going through trauma