@HeatSparks i cant even begin to imagine how awful that must have been for you & your family, such a heartbreaking experience & how unvelievably strong you are to have gotten through it! Xxx
@HeatSparks that is heartbreaking. Facing such a horrific loss and the trauma that accompanies it is so hard on its own, then paired with caring for a newborn it's no wonder you were feeling so low. I'm glad you've been able to walk yourself past a lot of the guilt, and you're right- being gentle with ourselves and others is so important after everything is said and done.
@HeatSparks that is so heartbreaking you are so kind and selfless to offer to be the support for so many people. I admire you and I hope you know how truly amazing you are.
@heatsparks Everyone's pretty much said everything I was thinking after reading that story. You are a strong person for having to go through such a tragedy especially as a new mom to your little one.
@HeatSparks, that is so sad. I am sure you did everything you could to get through the days, I can't imagine how that would feel.
Mom guilt IS real and complicated. And operating in a fog does make it hard to remember what you did and how you got through. I can't remember now what the ages but I do remember saying multiple times when my twins were little, thank God they won't remember this and hold it against me in therapy.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
I am so sorry @HeatSparks. My SIL also passed away in a car accident when my nephew (her son) was 7 months old. It's been over 3 years and my H still struggles and I struggle too every now and then. I couldn't even imagine adding a newborn of our own during that difficult time! Just know you did (and still do!) a great job! You are such a strong person! If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me!
If you're planning on BFing, what supplies did you pack in your hospital bag? I figure I'll need breast pads and some nipple cream. Anything else that's helpful to have?
If you're planning on BFing, what supplies did you pack in your hospital bag? I figure I'll need breast pads and some nipple cream. Anything else that's helpful to have?
Bring your boppy or other nursing pillow! The nurses can kind of prop baby with pillows, but those are much easier.
Married - 7/29/06 Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09 Mia - 6/16/11 Surprise! due 2/23/17
@becbec28 I brought lanolin or nipple cream. You can bring a breastfeeding pillow if you want- at my hospital they had one there so I left ours at home. I'm bringing soothies this time because I let my baby beat my nips up and they were such a relief to put on. They're kind of expensive but I only needed them for a short time. That's probably it for me? I'll try and think if there's anything else...
@HeatSparks I don't have anything to add, just sending you all the hugs. You did the best you could at an impossible time, and that's all that matters.
Guys, all of you, thank you so much for your support. I didn't mean to be a downer, but man does putting truth in writing feel good sometimes. All the hugs back to you.
@tentacular I've been concerned how my son (just turned 4) will adjust to the baby too. He's a mama's boy and everything has been all about him for so long. Things are good with our routine right now too, so it's scary to think about messing with that! But we remind ourselves how wonderful it will be (hopefully) for him in the long run to have a brother.
My son likes to tell me things he's learned like, "mama, did you know R2D2 is a droid robot?" (Ugh! Lots of random info on Star Wars and super heros lately). So I've been prepping him for baby things like, "Isaac did you know, babies can't talk yet so they cry sometimes when they need something" etc. Hopefully that's not too negative but he seems interested in learning about baby facts this way.
Question for stms who have had csections: did your partner watch?
I had only vaginal births but pretty sure my husband could barely handle that! Does your husband want to watch the actual surgery, like incisions and everything? I would want to, since I'm a veterinarian and comfortable seeing and watching surgery, but no way my husband could. Don't they have dads sit by your head and not get much of a view?
@HeatSparks I'm FTM so I don't have experience. But one of H's co-workers wife just had to have a CS and he sat by her head like everyone else, but he told my H that he could see on the other side of the sheet and he watched at least some. So I guess it's up to the guy if he wants to look there's not much to stop him.
Not sure where to put this so I'm just picking here-- As most of you know I'm having to switch from birth center birth to a hospital birth and a new Dr. While my midwives will be there, they are no longer in control of my care. I'm hiring a doula but it means at 30 wks, my whole plan is changing and it is kind of overwhelming.
I know there are tons of Google lists on "what to ask your dr or hospital" but thought I'd ask here too.
I meet with the midwives today and the dr on monday and then I'll schedule a tour of the hospital. What questions should I be asking?
Here's what I've got so far: - effects of meds on baby after birth? - policy on induction? (how can I avoid?) - interventions? (episiotomy, pain management options, fetal heart monitor, can I labor at home, etc) - how long will baby and I have to stay in the hospital if everything is normal? - can baby sleep in my room or will she be taken to NICU bc of my gestational diabetes - c-section risk and rate for former birth center moms - If my medication is working and my sugars are normal, what kind of labor can I expect? - what do we do if medication isn't working? - what additional care will I need? (growth scans or ultrasounds, endocrinologist, etc.)
Anything else I should ask my dr about switching care and going from low to higher risk?
Question for stms who have had csections: did your partner watch?
For my csection, DH was not supposed to lock over the curtain. He was told to stay at my head (and the curtain was right in front of my face). When he went over to be with DS and cut the cord, he looked back at my chopped open body and said it was intense.
But plus side, the nurses used his phone to take pics of him cutting the cord. So I have those.
Question: For anyone who had family come from a distance to help after birth, how long did you have them stay? Did you feel it was too long, too short, or just right? How old was baby when they came to help? I'm trying to decide how long to have my mom stay, she lives a 12 hour drive away, and there are just so many unsure factors.
@Gretchypoo This might be dumb, but one of the questions I asked was what happens immediately after the birth. I asked it kind of open ended so she could tell me what they consider normal.
That answer gave me more of an idea of what I would need to ask for that would be outside of their normal procedures.
With c-sections they usually don't let you watch the actual surgery part but maybe let you stand up and look when they pull baby out. Mainly they don't want dad to pass out and suddenly have another patient on their hands. My DH sat at my head the whole time. It's been a while so don't remember if he even stood up. There are some places that do things a little different and may offer a deal with window or some other things, but those are not the norm. As long as baby is doing well we usually invite dad over to see baby and be involved in care.
@HeatSparks my H is a huge weenie so I'm surprised he even cut the cord. But one of my closest gfs had a c/s and her H kept looking and saying "holy shit you can't feel that"
@Gretchypoo delayed cord clamping policy, skin to skin time, visitation policies
As a side note my coworker couldn't keep her levels under control and she had to do stress tests twice a week her last 4-6 weeks. You basically sit in a lazy boy with a monitor around your belly for an hour. I've heard it's kind of nice.
Question: For anyone who had family come from a distance to help after birth, how long did you have them stay? Did you feel it was too long, too short, or just right? How old was baby when they came to help? I'm trying to decide how long to have my mom stay, she lives a 12 hour drive away, and there are just so many unsure factors.
I didn't have anyone come from long distance, but I remember how overwhelming it felt in the beginning with my first. You might want a couple days at home to try and adjust on your own, but I remember calling my husband in the middle of the day crying because I just felt so exhausted. The first few weeks, you are trying to get a semi schedule and learn your baby. I felt like I was never sleeping and DS was always crying. Those first few weeks is when I think real help would be beneficial. If I had anyone to simply hold the baby while I took a nap or showered, it would have been amazing. Once you start getting into a routine with your baby and new way of life, help is nice, but probably won't feel as needed. To me that's the time for regular visits. If I could go back in time and pick an amount of time to have help, I'd probably pick the first 2 weeks. Of course that's me personally, but if you asked my husband, he'd probably say we got along just fine and didn't need any outside help lol (and by the time number 2 came along, I didn't want outside help)
@becbec28 I lived across the country and had my mom come when the baby was 2 weeks old and my husband had to go back to work. She stayed for one week. I thought it worked out well. Everyone else came staggered like at 6 weeks and 8 weeks etc and only stayed about 3 or 4 days.
If your husband is going to be home in the beginning it will be nice for the two of you to be able to figure out your new normal without judgy mom eyes watching you or telling you what she did when she had you. On the other hand if your mom is one of those amazing and helpful mom's then have her come whenever because she'd probably help with like meals and giving you time to rest. Mine didn't.
As it looks right now H will have about a week off work and, depending on when baby comes, I may have 1-2 weeks "by myself" before my mom would come down. I wouldn't always be by myself because he works a rotating schedule. My mom can come for 1-3 weeks based on her schedule. Also, it's actually my step-mom (she never had any kids) and I have no idea how it's going to go when she's here. Then there's a possibility that my sister would come with her for a short time but we won't know that for sure for a little while. I just don't know how long I'll feel like having her in my house...
Assuming baby arrives on his due date, my DH will have the first week off, we'll have about a week and a half total to ourselves before my mom flies in and stays for 4 days. Then my in laws will fly in 2 or 3 weeks after that. I'm a FTM, so no previous experience, but I'm hoping that spread/timeline will work out well.
I don't want anyone there with a new baby. I find it uncomfortable to be trying to breastfeed with other people in the house, but that's just me. I don't want anyone to be in the room watching me struggle, but I also feel guilty constantly leaving the room to feed the baby. DH get 8 paid weeks off (EIGHT!!!) but will probably only take two just because he can't logistically leave his job that long. I hope if his mom does come (which she wants to and plans to at some point) it's either while she's here so he can entertain her, or much later when I have a routine down!
I think when it comes to help, the most important thing to do is to speak your mind. It's so hard to predict what you will want or need, until the time comes. Don't be afraid to be direct to people about your wishes. If you feel like you want more household help, tell them that. Or maybe you want a break from baby and you can cook because it's something you enjoy, let them know. If you just need a break so you can gather your mind or rest, make sure to speak up. I cringe at the thought of anyone staying here after the baby is born so I've been clear about that from the beginning lol
Question: For anyone who had family come from a distance to help after birth, how long did you have them stay? Did you feel it was too long, too short, or just right? How old was baby when they came to help? I'm trying to decide how long to have my mom stay, she lives a 12 hour drive away, and there are just so many unsure factors.
I'm a FTM, and my mom is going to come immediately after the birth for a month to help us get sorted and settled with a new baby but is NOT staying with us (I made that clear, our apartment is just not big enough!). But, that's something all wanted and have talked about at length. In my culture, it's also very traditional for the mothers to help after the first baby, so it's not totally unusual to have my mom here for a month or so to help me out. My H also doesn't really get any time off work, so I see having her here as a big help to this huge lifestyle transition, especially since I would be alone otherwise.
I think I talked about this a looong time ago but my in laws expect to be here as soon as the baby is born. They are coming from 8 hours away. I've already discussed having them stay in a hotel or something with my H, but we haven't actually talked to his parents yet about our plans....
@lfrank12 I'm with you on the needing to put boundaries in place with both of our families. I know they are all going to be upset, but DH and I have had several conversations about how we want to handle it, and we are really leaning towards private, little family bonding time being priority. How to break this to everyone I have NO idea.
Add me to the list for wanting private time for at least a couple of weeks after baby to settle in with our new life and get a routine going. Parents and in-laws already clamoring for when they can plan flights though, and I'm having a hard time planning out when to have people arrive, since who knows when the baby will actually be born.
@WinchesterGirl you could start dropping little hints. It's subtle but still putting it out there. I'd drop hints like "it's getting so close now, I'm really looking forward to seeing life with me, DH, and baby" or "it might be tiring at first, but I'm looking forward to tackling this with DH" it starts getting people thinking, then they'll eventually ask, like my mil would respond with "so you don't want any help when the baby is first born?" Then it's open to me telling her exactly what I'm planning on doing. I don't like hurting people's feelings, so I've kind of become a constant hint dropping machine lol
@MissMerciBeaucoup what if you just tell the first people to visit to plan a flight for a month after your due date? That way if you go past due date, you will still have a couple weeks alone. And if baby comes on time, you get about a month of private bonding. ?
@kswiger06 That's a really good idea, and with Christmas coming up we'll be seeing a lot of everyone so it's the perfect time to start. Both of the moms have been directly saying how they are going to he helping us so much and how they plan to he at the hospital (and dragging half the family with them)... I'm just over here like, no, I don't see it going like that.
It's probably bad but I am excited that both sets of grandparents are going to be gone when this one is born. One set out of state and one set out of the country. Not sure if the out of state will come back at some point though. I don't like having to "entertain" right away. I don't want to have to meal plan for when people come over even if it's just ordering take-out. I am super lucky that I will still have my nanny for our bigger kids so their routine won't change too much. My responsibility gets to be to focus on baby. And while setting boundaries can work for some family dynamics it gets hard with some cultures where expectations are different. I am the only "white" girl married into my DHs family and because of it I think I get away with not following all of their traditions. I am sure I get judged at times but I have reached that point that I do what I want for my family.
Oh and to those where family members want to come to the hospital and you don't want them- just don't tell them you are in labor. We only tell once baby is born except for anyone we need help from for our older kids. It works great for us
@WinchesterGirl Lol, I'm on #3 and my mom STILL talks about how she wishes I'd let her be in the room for delivery, and I'm thinking well I said no for the first two and nothing has changed but she still has to try I guess.
All my side of family is at least 2 hours away, so only my mom will be there in the beginning. She will be staying in our place for couple weeks to help out until I am good. I am soo happy for the extra help because my DH is a tax accountant, so he will not be around at all until after tax season. My DH side of the family is all in VA, so they all plan on flying out around their springs breaks to see the baby. That will give us enough time time to get in to a routine etc... before having to deal with in laws. Honestly both side of our families are pretty cool, only my grandma is a b*tch and she would be the only one I would be worried about dealing with while dealing with the new baby, but she cannot drive long distance anymore, so that makes it easy to avoid her till it is the right time to see her .
@scottipino We have decided not to call everyone until he is born, we've nursed, cleaned up, and moved to our PP room.
@kswiger06 I can see both of our moms being that way, although I think MIL at least knows we are not close enough for me to be comfortable with her in there.
Re: Ask a STM December edition
((Hugs))
Mom guilt IS real and complicated. And operating in a fog does make it hard to remember what you did and how you got through. I can't remember now what the ages but I do remember saying multiple times when my twins were little, thank God they won't remember this and hold it against me in therapy.
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
If you're planning on BFing, what supplies did you pack in your hospital bag? I figure I'll need breast pads and some nipple cream. Anything else that's helpful to have?
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
Ben and Maggie - 4/10/09
Mia - 6/16/11
Surprise! due 2/23/17
But we remind ourselves how wonderful it will be (hopefully) for him in the long run to have a brother.
My son likes to tell me things he's learned like, "mama, did you know R2D2 is a droid robot?" (Ugh! Lots of random info on Star Wars and super heros lately).
So I've been prepping him for baby things like, "Isaac did you know, babies can't talk yet so they cry sometimes when they need something" etc. Hopefully that's not too negative but he seems interested in learning about baby facts this way.
I had only vaginal births but pretty sure my husband could barely handle that! Does your husband want to watch the actual surgery, like incisions and everything? I would want to, since I'm a veterinarian and comfortable seeing and watching surgery, but no way my husband could.
Don't they have dads sit by your head and not get much of a view?
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
I know there are tons of Google lists on "what to ask your dr or hospital" but thought I'd ask here too.
I meet with the midwives today and the dr on monday and then I'll schedule a tour of the hospital. What questions should I be asking?
Here's what I've got so far:
- effects of meds on baby after birth?
- policy on induction? (how can I avoid?)
- interventions? (episiotomy, pain management options, fetal heart monitor, can I labor at home, etc)
- how long will baby and I have to stay in the hospital if everything is normal?
- can baby sleep in my room or will she be taken to NICU bc of my gestational diabetes
- c-section risk and rate for former birth center moms
- If my medication is working and my sugars are normal, what kind of labor can I expect?
- what do we do if medication isn't working?
- what additional care will I need? (growth scans or ultrasounds, endocrinologist, etc.)
Anything else I should ask my dr about switching care and going from low to higher risk?
But plus side, the nurses used his phone to take pics of him cutting the cord. So I have those.
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
That answer gave me more of an idea of what I would need to ask for that would be outside of their normal procedures.
As a side note my coworker couldn't keep her levels under control and she had to do stress tests twice a week her last 4-6 weeks. You basically sit in a lazy boy with a monitor around your belly for an hour. I've heard it's kind of nice.
If your husband is going to be home in the beginning it will be nice for the two of you to be able to figure out your new normal without judgy mom eyes watching you or telling you what she did when she had you. On the other hand if your mom is one of those amazing and helpful mom's then have her come whenever because she'd probably help with like meals and giving you time to rest. Mine didn't.
Married: 9/2013
Love my LEO!!
TTC #1: 9/2015
BFP: 2/1/16 MC 2/8/16 @ 5wks
BFP: 5/22/16 RAINBOW BABY
EDD: 1/30/2017 *IT'S A GIRL!!!!*
Kirsten Grace 1/20/17
ME: 25, DH: 27
TTC #1 since 09/2015
Miscarriage @ 10 wks 02/28/2016
BFP 05/28/2016!
I'm a FTM, and my mom is going to come immediately after the birth for a month to help us get sorted and settled with a new baby but is NOT staying with us (I made that clear, our apartment is just not big enough!). But, that's something all wanted and have talked about at length. In my culture, it's also very traditional for the mothers to help after the first baby, so it's not totally unusual to have my mom here for a month or so to help me out. My H also doesn't really get any time off work, so I see having her here as a big help to this huge lifestyle transition, especially since I would be alone otherwise.
@MissMerciBeaucoup what if you just tell the first people to visit to plan a flight for a month after your due date? That way if you go past due date, you will still have a couple weeks alone. And if baby comes on time, you get about a month of private bonding. ?
Married to my Soul Mate since 09/06/09
@kswiger06 I can see both of our moms being that way, although I think MIL at least knows we are not close enough for me to be comfortable with her in there.