@PootsDragon this is something I have noticed with my male friends lately too, and these aren't people I work with, my actual friends! Like I'm making them uncomfortable by growing a human or whatever.
So this is not my SO that said this but we're still talking about men here: I had a close male friend at work. We used to go out to lunch sometimes and talk a lot. Our conversations mostly revolved around our respective families and current home improvement projects, etc. Whenever we needed to buy gifts for our SO's, we'd usually ask each other for advice about the gifts, etc. All in all I'd say the topics we covered were pretty "safe" and wholly on a friendship level. A few weeks after I told him I was pregnant, he told me that by continuing to talk with him so much I was emotionally cheating on my husband......wat!!?? Men and their stupid egos always have to assume that you want something "more."
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that men have no fucking clue how hard it is to grow a human and it freaks them out because they're giant fucking babies themselves.
The artist formerly known as Butters. July BMB June Signature
My brother basically avoids me now because he's got it in his head I'm this fragile hormonal mess. I figure at this point it is in his best interest to continue to do so because I will tear a strip off him
For most of my pregnancy, my husband has suffered from a lot of sympathy symptoms. He would frequently get 'morning sickness' just as much as I would. He thankfully figured out pretty quickly to not complain about it but more mention it to see if I was feeling ok. Like "Hey, I wasn't feeling to great this morning, you feeling ok? I know yours is usually way worse."
Two days ago, however, he told me about how much of an emotional mess he was and how he kept crying at random things, both happy and sad. It was really bothering him.
I just stared blankly at my phone for a moment, burst out laughing, and then very seriously said "I have been dealing with this crap and more for the past 6 or so months... I don't want to hear it."
Love him to death, but a day or two of crazy emotions is nothing compared to what all of us here on the bump are going through every single day.
@YeezusButters my husband fully admits that if he had to do what we are doing, we would never have children. Ever. He has thanked me more than once for doing this and not complaining the whole time or acting cray-cray. He does occasionally have unreasonable expectations, so I don't think he totally gets it, but a little recognition is nice.
@YeezusButters my husband fully admits that if he had to do what we are doing, we would never have children. Ever. He has thanked me more than once for doing this and not complaining the whole time or acting cray-cray. He does occasionally have unreasonable expectations, so I don't think he totally gets it, but a little recognition is nice.
There are definitely some good ones out there (mine included). In general though..BIG BABIES!
The artist formerly known as Butters. July BMB June Signature
@YeezusButters my husband fully admits that if he had to do what we are doing, we would never have children. Ever. He has thanked me more than once for doing this and not complaining the whole time or acting cray-cray. He does occasionally have unreasonable expectations, so I don't think he totally gets it, but a little recognition is nice.
This describes my husband exactly too. A very supportive, amazing although sometimes a little clueless big baby. I'll take it, though.
@YeezusButters my husband fully admits that if he had to do what we are doing, we would never have children. Ever. He has thanked me more than once for doing this and not complaining the whole time or acting cray-cray. He does occasionally have unreasonable expectations, so I don't think he totally gets it, but a little recognition is nice.
There are definitely some good ones out there (mine included). In general though..BIG BABIES!
You're telling me... I spent Mother's Day evening in the ER because he cut his finger on a glass he broke while doing the dishes (something I do 98% of the time). Based on his reaction to the lidocaine shots they gave him before they stitched him up, you'd think they were amputating it. I was just glad he let me take him in, though!
I think it has a lot to do with the fact that men have no fucking clue how hard it is to grow a human and it freaks them out because they're giant fucking babies themselves.
I agree. I'm sure there are a percentage of men who act this way because they're misogynistic assholes, but I would bet that most of the men who act strange around pregnant women do it because they're just awkward and immature. Still ridiculous, but less offensive in my opinion.
@rnyland1 your "friend" all of a sudden interpreting the same platonic relationship you've always had as "emotional cheating" now that you're pregnant seems to be of the misogynistic variety. You're probably better off without him!
A co-worker said it best, I think - Women become mothers the day they find out they're pregnant. Men become fathers the day the baby is born. They really can't understand all the changes we are dealt daily throughout these 9-10 months!
@rnyland1 By the sounds of it, you're better off not having him as a friend. He gave you a reason to think he's a dick whereas my male "friend" hasn't acknowledged me once since I told him I was pregnant.
I had my first antenatal class yesterday and it mostly discussed labor and the stages and all that. My boyfriend turns to me and says "You know, it'd be funny if while were in labor and you were pushing, you just pooped all over the doctor". The chances of that happening are very high but no need to remind me
A co-worker said it best, I think - Women become mothers the day they find out they're pregnant. Men become fathers the day the baby is born. They really can't understand all the changes we are dealt daily throughout these 9-10 months!
This is definitely true in my case. DH and I tried for 2.5 years and he was so committed to us having a baby beyond what I can even describe here. Now that's it's happening finally, it still hasn't quite hit him yet. Although a few a days ago I just gave up and told him that he needs to rub my belly and tell the baby he loves him. Which he complied with. This morning he did it voluntarily for the first time before he left for work and it was freaking adorable. Though I think he did it more so for my sanity than it really actually hitting him yet, haha.
Another gem quote from him: H: "Please have patience with me if the reality of having a baby doesn't hit me for a while. I know it's real for you because he's growing inside you, but it might take me a while for me to really have it register." Me: "Of course, I understand, baby." H: "Good. Yeah, it probably won't hit me until he's like 8 years old and can start contributing around the house." Me: .....
A co-worker said it best, I think - Women become mothers the day they find out they're pregnant. Men become fathers the day the baby is born. They really can't understand all the changes we are dealt daily throughout these 9-10 months!
This. With my first, my husband didn't have any stupid comments/suggestions, and was nothing but helpful when it came to my symptoms and everything. But he wasn't really into all of the other stuff. Fast-forward to the day that DD was born, and it was like a light switch went on....all of a sudden he was super protective, he had never changed a diaper or hardly held a baby before DD...and he was right in there doing everything. He even flat out said that none of it seemed real, until the moment she was born.
I don't think men really and truly mature past age 12. DH has said on a few occasions that he can't wait for my milk to come in so he can use my boobs like super soakers.
@rnyland1 By the sounds of it, you're better off not having him as a friend. He gave you a reason to think he's a dick whereas my male "friend" hasn't acknowledged me once since I told him I was pregnant.
I had my first antenatal class yesterday and it mostly discussed labor and the stages and all that. My boyfriend turns to me and says "You know, it'd be funny if while were in labor and you were pushing, you just pooped all over the doctor". The chances of that happening are very high but no need to remind me
I mean, the odds of you pooping might be pretty good, but I think it's unlikely you'll poop ON anyone Unless you get explosive diarrhea or something, any staff member will have time to just move their hand away and it's just going to end up on the table. I know it is something a lot of people worry about but it's really not a big deal! (speaking as a nurse, not as a patient, since I ended up with a c-section and haven't experienced it first hand)
A co-worker said it best, I think - Women become mothers the day they find out they're pregnant. Men become fathers the day the baby is born. They really can't understand all the changes we are dealt daily throughout these 9-10 months!
Am I the only one to find this sentiment to be bullshit ? I mean I understand daddy bonding is different than having your child growing inside of you. But my husband has been this child's father through my whole pregnancy. On Mother's Day he said to me, thanks for taking care of our baby by yourself for so long. Maybe I should save this for my UO tomorrow, but really, I feel like acknowledging this as normal behavior gives men the OK to be unattached until there's a physical child..
@HMcDade1 I agree and call BS! After trying together, charting fertility together, testing together, getting through the different phases together (I was sick but he did 100% of the household things I couldn't handle, got 100% of the glasses of water, gave 100% of the back rubs...), after reading his dad books, getting his daily fetus growth updates, coming to appointments, seeing his child on the ultrasound, feeling his baby kick and move, listening to the heartbeat on the doppler, singing to his kid, playing music for it, talking to it, attending birthing classes, attending lactation classes, helping put together the registry, open the gifts, put together the nursery, make beginning of life newborn decisions... If after ALL that effort he didn't "feel like a father" in any capacity I would wonder what the hell was wrong with him. Then again if he didn't put forth all that effort I wouldn't be with him either.
For the past few years one of the check out guys at the grocery has been just a little TOO friendly with me in a way I never liked. Since I've been visibly pregnant? Nothing. He barely acknowledges me. It's been great.
I guess I didn't take it quite that literally. I just interpreted it more as when SO's make the off-handed, ignorant comments, it's likely they're just not fully understanding because they aren't feeling it and/or dealing with it first-hand. I'm pretty sure we all have some great fathers-to-be!! But I will say, at least in my situation, there's been at least a few things that have come out of my husband's mouth that have made me scratch my head a time or two, lol.
@HMcDade1 I agree and call BS! After trying together, charting fertility together, testing together, getting through the different phases together (I was sick but he did 100% of the household things I couldn't handle, got 100% of the glasses of water, gave 100% of the back rubs...), after reading his dad books, getting his daily fetus growth updates, coming to appointments, seeing his child on the ultrasound, feeling his baby kick and move, listening to the heartbeat on the doppler, singing to his kid, playing music for it, talking to it, attending birthing classes, attending lactation classes, helping put together the registry, open the gifts, put together the nursery, make beginning of life newborn decisions... If after ALL that effort he didn't "feel like a father" in any capacity I would wonder what the hell was wrong with him. Then again if he didn't put forth all that effort I wouldn't be with him either.
So I will say this-- I don't feel particularly like a parent right now although my growing belly tells me intellectually that it is coming. I think some fathers feel this way and I think some mothers feel this way. People experience things on different timetables. What I object to is genderizing this and acting like "men are like X" and "women are like Y"
@TiffRox81 I'm not saying that men who agree with that sentence won't be good fathers. I think by continuing that mindset perpetuates nonresponsibility of men to babies in utero and gives permission for them to not be accountable. This is as much his child as it is mine and he doesn't get off the hook for nine months longer because of tangibility
I agree. My husband is super attached to this baby already and has fully accepted the father role. He talks/sings to the baby, has more baby apps on this phone than I do lol, hangs out in her closet looking at her clothes, and spends a lot of time in the nursery. He's so attached to this baby that I have to tell him to chill with the belly kisses bc they can get annoying lol. He's been involved every step of the way and I couldn't imagine anything different.
My husband has been pretty great. He's been supportive and helpful and knows so much about my pregnancy and this baby. I think he has as good an idea of what it's like to be pregnant as someone who isn't pregnant possibly could.
I think we have a tendency to infantilize men, especially male parents. They are capable humans, not confused puppies or children.
@HMcDade1 I'm with you. I think some things hit him a little later but my husband has been so excited and engaged since the beginning. He has been bonding with his dad friends at work, one of the babies was only born 4 weeks ago so he always comes home with new stories about how he's doing. While they were still pregnant my husband and his friend would compare online pictures of what they're babies looked like. I think the need to physically get ready (like picking out the stroller and whatnot) was more me but I'm also the planner between the two of us.
@rnyland1 I majorly side eye any guy who uses the term "emotionally cheating" I'm guessing his wife didn't like him having female friends and told him she felt he was emotionally cheating.
My husband has been pretty great. He's been supportive and helpful and knows so much about my pregnancy and this baby. I think he has as good an idea of what it's like to be pregnant as someone who isn't pregnant possibly could.
I think we have a tendency to infantilize men, especially male parents. They are capable humans, not confused puppies or children.
yes! I hate how advertising makes male parents look useless and dopey, it's insulting and just reinforces the stereotype that mothers are responsible for taking care of the children and the house and fathers shouldn't be expected to because they aren't capable.
I also hate all of the male targeted pregnancy and parenting books I tried to get for my husband. They all made fathering seem like a fucking joke and that something that didn't need to be taken seriously. My husband found them to be condescending and insulting. He's taken his role as a parent very seriously from the day I got pregnant.
My husband is an extremely invested father but he'll be the first to tell you that if he's in pain or sick, he regresses into childhood whininess. It's definitely something a lot of them use to their advantage.
The artist formerly known as Butters. July BMB June Signature
So I will say this-- I don't feel particularly like a parent right now although my growing belly tells me intellectually that it is coming. I think some fathers feel this way and I think some mothers feel this way. People experience things on different timetables. What I object to is genderizing this and acting like "men are like X" and "women are like Y"
@TiffRox81 I'm not saying that men who agree with that sentence won't be good fathers. I think by continuing that mindset perpetuates nonresponsibility of men to babies in utero and gives permission for them to not be accountable. This is as much his child as it is mine and he doesn't get off the hook for nine months longer because of tangibility
I think a combination of these two is where I fall. I also think (from experience) that saying that women experience something THIS way and men experience it THAT way is dangerous and can be damaging. I don't think a dad having difficulty emotionally bonding with the baby before birth necessarily means there's anything wrong. Just like a mother having difficulty bonding during pregnancy or immediately after birth doesn't mean they won't be amazing mother's. I'll admit that after DD's traumatic birth, and us being separated for 17 hours before I got to meet her, I had some bonding issues for the first week. I didn't feel like I "knew" her the way everyone says you instantly know your child. And the pressure and assumption that the normal reaction to childbirth was for the mother to instantly know/recognize and adore her child is what kept me silent and full of shame until a friend admitted her bonding issues with her child who was in the NICU, and I realized that what I had experienced was normal. That's an extreme example, but if DH was having difficulty bonding with our LO while I was pregnant, but was still supportive and present with me, attended to my needs and engaged with the pregnancy, I wouldn't want him to feel shame about that. I don't think any of you are arguing against that, I just want us to be careful about implying that there is a right and wrong way/time for us as parents to bond with the baby.
Dad's who use that excuse to ignore their partner's needs, on the other hand, are despicable and need to grow the hell up.
My husband has been pretty great. He's been supportive and helpful and knows so much about my pregnancy and this baby. I think he has as good an idea of what it's like to be pregnant as someone who isn't pregnant possibly could.
I think we have a tendency to infantilize men, especially male parents. They are capable humans, not confused puppies or children.
***Stuck in the box***
This is so true. One of my biggest pet peeves is women who joke about their husband being their ___th child. My husband is an adult, and a fully capable one, or I wouldn't have married and procreated with him.
@YeezusButters oh yeah, my husband is a giant baby when he's sick. I think because he's never sick? He got a cold while I was still puking all the time and had the audacity to whine. My eyeballs shot daggers.
I think a combination of these two is where I fall. I also think (from experience) that saying that women experience something THIS way and men experience it THAT way is dangerous and can be damaging. I don't think a dad having difficulty emotionally bonding with the baby before birth necessarily means there's anything wrong. Just like a mother having difficulty bonding during pregnancy or immediately after birth doesn't mean they won't be amazing mother's. I'll admit that after DD's traumatic birth, and us being separated for 17 hours before I got to meet her, I had some bonding issues for the first week. I didn't feel like I "knew" her the way everyone says you instantly know your child. And the pressure and assumption that the normal reaction to childbirth was for the mother to instantly know/recognize and adore her child is what kept me silent and full of shame until a friend admitted her bonding issues with her child who was in the NICU, and I realized that what I had experienced was normal. That's an extreme example, but if DH was having difficulty bonding with our LO while I was pregnant, but was still supportive and present with me, attended to my needs and engaged with the pregnancy, I wouldn't want him to feel shame about that. I don't think any of you are arguing against that, I just want us to be careful about implying that there is a right and wrong way/time for us as parents to bond with the baby.
Dad's who use that excuse to ignore their partner's needs, on the other hand, are despicable and need to grow the hell up.
I was showing my husband the odd shape of my belly last night from little one sticking her butt out, or at least what I imagine to be her butt and he was "I don't want to look at it, I've seen the pictures of what babies do to your insides, like smoosh your organs. It's gross!"
I was showing my husband the odd shape of my belly last night from little one sticking her butt out, or at least what I imagine to be her butt and he was "I don't want to look at it, I've seen the pictures of what babies do to your insides, like smoosh your organs. It's gross!"
Gee, thanks for making me feel attractive lol
DH freaks out a little when we start seeing the big movements (I call them the alien movements). He enjoys feeling them, but doesn't like watching my belly shift around
Last night, DH decided to put his head on my belly. LO didn't like that and kicked him pretty hard in the head about 5 times. DH goes 'is that what he's been doing to you the whole time? I thought it was just a poke. Doesn't that hurt?' Yes DH, it does hurt. That's why I say it hurts.
I will be honest and say mine was attached from the get go, but I don't think the reality hit him that there was a baby and what was going on inside of me until our first ultrasound. He cried when he got to see the baby however. There was a lot of conversations about how I didn't feel that he was on the same level as I was and he explained it pretty much that he sees and gets to feel what's going on on the outside but I get to feel everything on the inside because more drastic things are happening to me. I think if men could get pregnant there would be a complete 180 with a lot a "attachment or not attachment". I completely agree that my husband doesn't get a free pass to say stupid insensitive shit because he's not pregnant.
Re: Sh!t my SO said
Fuck em.
July BMB June Signature
Two days ago, however, he told me about how much of an emotional mess he was and how he kept crying at random things, both happy and sad. It was really bothering him.
I just stared blankly at my phone for a moment, burst out laughing, and then very seriously said "I have been dealing with this crap and more for the past 6 or so months... I don't want to hear it."
Love him to death, but a day or two of crazy emotions is nothing compared to what all of us here on the bump are going through every single day.
July BMB June Signature
@rnyland1 your "friend" all of a sudden interpreting the same platonic relationship you've always had as "emotional cheating" now that you're pregnant seems to be of the misogynistic variety. You're probably better off without him!
I had my first antenatal class yesterday and it mostly discussed labor and the stages and all that. My boyfriend turns to me and says "You know, it'd be funny if while were in labor and you were pushing, you just pooped all over the doctor".
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DS#1 July 2016
Baby #2 July 2018
Another gem quote from him:
H: "Please have patience with me if the reality of having a baby doesn't hit me for a while. I know it's real for you because he's growing inside you, but it might take me a while for me to really have it register."
Me: "Of course, I understand, baby."
H: "Good. Yeah, it probably won't hit me until he's like 8 years old and can start contributing around the house."
Me: .....
I don't think men really and truly mature past age 12. DH has said on a few occasions that he can't wait for my milk to come in so he can use my boobs like super soakers.![:\](https://forums.thebump.com/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
I have another one. "How soon after baby is born does his tail fall off?" He was dead serious.
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DS#1 July 2016
Baby #2 July 2018
I think we have a tendency to infantilize men, especially male parents. They are capable humans, not confused puppies or children.
I also hate all of the male targeted pregnancy and parenting books I tried to get for my husband. They all made fathering seem like a fucking joke and that something that didn't need to be taken seriously. My husband found them to be condescending and insulting. He's taken his role as a parent very seriously from the day I got pregnant.
July BMB June Signature
Dad's who use that excuse to ignore their partner's needs, on the other hand, are despicable and need to grow the hell up.
Gee, thanks for making me feel attractive lol
Little boy due July 31st 2016
Married May 16th 2015
July BMB June Siggy