DH openly admitted throughout most of this pregnancy that he coulnd't wrap his head around the fact we are having a baby. We both have children from previous relationships, so being a dad isn't a new/scary concept to him, but this is our first together and he just couldn't really grasp the concept until recently. Only in the last few weeks when it is VERY obvious that I am pregnant and uncomfortable and our nursery is complete that he is finally turning the corner. He's started actually rubbing the belly and talking about "when Evelyn gets here..." He's a sweet man who LOVES babies and children, so it's not an inability to connect. He just didn't "get it" until it was in his face. And I'm sure it will become even more real when she's born. I'm okay with that.
So I will say this-- I don't feel particularly like a parent right now although my growing belly tells me intellectually that it is coming. I think some fathers feel this way and I think some mothers feel this way. People experience things on different timetables. What I object to is genderizing this and acting like "men are like X" and "women are like Y"
@TiffRox81 I'm not saying that men who agree with that sentence won't be good fathers. I think by continuing that mindset perpetuates nonresponsibility of men to babies in utero and gives permission for them to not be accountable. This is as much his child as it is mine and he doesn't get off the hook for nine months longer because of tangibility
I think a combination of these two is where I fall. I also think (from experience) that saying that women experience something THIS way and men experience it THAT way is dangerous and can be damaging. I don't think a dad having difficulty emotionally bonding with the baby before birth necessarily means there's anything wrong. Just like a mother having difficulty bonding during pregnancy or immediately after birth doesn't mean they won't be amazing mother's. I'll admit that after DD's traumatic birth, and us being separated for 17 hours before I got to meet her, I had some bonding issues for the first week. I didn't feel like I "knew" her the way everyone says you instantly know your child. And the pressure and assumption that the normal reaction to childbirth was for the mother to instantly know/recognize and adore her child is what kept me silent and full of shame until a friend admitted her bonding issues with her child who was in the NICU, and I realized that what I had experienced was normal. That's an extreme example, but if DH was having difficulty bonding with our LO while I was pregnant, but was still supportive and present with me, attended to my needs and engaged with the pregnancy, I wouldn't want him to feel shame about that. I don't think any of you are arguing against that, I just want us to be careful about implying that there is a right and wrong way/time for us as parents to bond with the baby.
Dad's who use that excuse to ignore their partner's needs, on the other hand, are despicable and need to grow the hell up.
This. My husband is the first one to step up and help, isn't in denial that a baby is coming, etc. But his time/energy is invested in his business right now, and that is his main focus (along with taking care of my needs, and DD's needs). That is how he is preparing for another family member. With both children, we have skipped baby books and any pregnancy classes and such, we didn't sit around reading apps together, and we weren't all gaga over going to BRU to work on the registry together (not because he didn't care, but because he knew that I had used tons of baby gear as a nanny and wanted me to pick what I wanted to use). We both also agreed that he would come to the important appointments, and not every.single.little.one. Whereas I deal with the aches and pains and everything of daily life because I am growing said child, which is a 24/7 reminder of what is going on, he sees me in the morning/late nights/weekends, and he isn't thinking "man, its hard for me to get off the couch with a belly in the way...", "I need to remember to do kick counts....", "I need to schedule my next appointment...", etc.
That does not mean that he wasn't invested, it doesn't mean that he didn't step in to help, and doesn't mean that he had absolutely no attachment to the baby and family that we created together. In all honesty, if he was the one that was pregnant, I am one of those "out of sight, out of mind" type people and wouldn't be thinking about the baby all hours of the day. When the day came that DD was born, he was instantly bonded with her, and I wasn't. Even though I carried her for 41 weeks, felt all of the movements, etc....we had a rough go in the beginning and it wasn't until she was a couple of months old that I really felt a bond and that I loved every inch of her. I felt guilt, a lot of guilt.....because I was watching all of my friends have their babies and talk about how they felt that instant bond. Yes, I loved DD, but I didn't feel attached to her. Everyone bonds and forms attachments in their own way, and that is how my husband did......from the time she was born, not from the time of conception....and there is nothing wrong with that.
I agree @PhoebeJune1984my husband is the best father. He always offers to help and has been so supportive of my feelings and helping take care of me when/if I need it, but he isn't the type of person to be rubbing my belly constantly or singing / reading to baby, it's just not him. It never bothered me, he has always been to important appointments, and when our babies were born, he was 100% invested and involved. That's what really matters to me.
My husband looked at an old picture of me that I posted on fb and says to me, "So weird your face looks the exact same but your body looked younger. Wait, that didn't sound right... it doesn't look right, your face hasn't aged, just your body. Your body got older. What I mean is, I love your body now! You look great now and before baby.... So.... what do you want for dinner? I love you?!" I'm gonna kill him.
I asked DH today if he feels like he's a parent of 3 yet and he said not really because baby isn't here. But that doesn't mean he isn't completely supportive and helpful with all that I'm going through in pregnancy. He does get the side eye if he ever complains about any illness or pain though.
I think seeing this baby coming into the world will be an even more special experience for both of us because for our DS (2nd child) he was out of the country and didn't get to see him in person for 6 weeks. DH had never even held any other baby until our 1st was born but I never would have married someone that I felt was too childish or incapable of caring for their baby just as much as me
Hahaha @Kellyj103 ! What a putz. My husband sorta tried something similar. He tried to compliment my prego curves but ended it with "Your belly button looks really gross. Like it's trying to escape. But the rest is good! I just hate outie belly buttons." Gee thanks dude....How about you go get me some ice cream now.
My husband makes up silly songs about everything and was singing one this morning about a baby in my belly. The little guy was doing these backflips and my stomach looks crazy so I asked what if it's not a baby but an alien? His response: I'll love it just the same! Unless it's a Habs fan. I'm glad he's got his priorities, haha
As I'm huffing up the stairs.. "Giiirl, them pants are TIGHT." "Oh, come on!" "What? I didn't mean that in a bad way." "Pants only get tighter if I get bigger." "Oh. I guess you have a point."
Jesus, man.
The artist formerly known as Butters. July BMB June Signature
We were discussing the "must have" items that we still need to buy, while browsing in the store. My husband tells me, I don't understand why we need this fancy monitor. We're only using it for like 6 months. Me: 6 months?!? I'm spying on this child well into his/her toddler years!! And it's not fancy, but it's not the cheapest model either. I'd prefer to choose something that got good reviews and won't crap out on us!
We were talking about my husband getting a vasectomy.
Husband: Some guys from work said it could take a whole week to feel normal again. Me: I haven't felt normal in MONTHS and I won't feel normal for a long time after this baby is born. Also, this is my second time doing this.. Husband: No, I get it but I just want you to understand where I'm coming from..
Right. Because after having two babies, I have no idea how painful something can be.
The artist formerly known as Butters. July BMB June Signature
We were talking about my husband getting a vasectomy.
Husband: Some guys from work said it could take a whole week to feel normal again. Me: I haven't felt normal in MONTHS and I won't feel normal for a long time after this baby is born. Also, this is my second time doing this.. Husband: No, I get it but I just want you to understand where I'm coming from..
Right. Because after having two babies, I have no idea how painful something can be.
A whole week? I know tons of guys who have gotten a vasectomy, and they were fine after 2 days (almost all of them scheduled on a Friday so they were back to work by Monday). The only ones I know that too longer....were the ones that were completely milking it for all it was worth....
We were talking about my husband getting a vasectomy.
Husband: Some guys from work said it could take a whole week to feel normal again. Me: I haven't felt normal in MONTHS and I won't feel normal for a long time after this baby is born. Also, this is my second time doing this.. Husband: No, I get it but I just want you to understand where I'm coming from..
Right. Because after having two babies, I have no idea how painful something can be.
A whole week? I know tons of guys who have gotten a vasectomy, and they were fine after 2 days (almost all of them scheduled on a Friday so they were back to work by Monday). The only ones I know that too longer....were the ones that were completely milking it for all it was worth....
Yep. I had heard a day or two but it seems like the guys he works with are definitely whiners. He even mentioned that they told him that sex was painful for up to a year afterwards. I definitely had not heard that. He said it's going to feel like a part of him is missing. SO DRAMATIC.
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@YeezusButters after we're done having kids my husband has two options- condoms or a vasectomy. That's on him to decide, but I think the choice is clear.
@elenabrent That's exactly how I laid it out for my husband. I would never force him into it but I think he knows it's the best option. After experiencing pregnancy/labor twice, surgery is not an option for me. Recovering from childbirth is difficult enough. I have zero sympathy in this situation but I tried to sound understanding anyway.
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@yeezusbutters Mine had the audacity to suggest it would be easier for me to get my tubes tied while I'm already in the hospital....
IF (and only if) I happened to need an emergency c-section would that be true. But I am not electing to get surgery the day after I deliver YOUR child, thereby making my recovery harder and longer and risking complications that could interfere with feeding and bonding and caring for YOUR child in its first few weeks.
Man up and get the vasectomy. Your outpatient procedure is far less risky than my SURGERY.
@yeezusbutters there's a video from the Jim Gaffigan show buried in my IG somewhere and it's basically a verbatim conversation that me/DH had about vasectomies. (...off to Youtube to look for it)
my H had a vasectomy reversal. while the recovery time for the reversal is in fact longer than for a vasectomy, he totally milked it. that's just what guys do.
lots of vasectomies are scheduled during March Madness so the men can have that time off work and watch basketball while they recover. If that's a selling point for any one, feel free to use it! Unfortunately, my DH coaches basketball and his goal is always to still be working during that time. Hahahaha
We were discussing the "must have" items that we still need to buy, while browsing in the store. My husband tells me, I don't understand why we need this fancy monitor. We're only using it for like 6 months. Me: 6 months?!? I'm spying on this child well into his/her toddler years!! And it's not fancy, but it's not the cheapest model either. I'd prefer to choose something that got good reviews and won't crap out on us!
@TiffRox81 we have a video monitor and I JUST took it out of DD's room (she's 2 years 4 months). I honestly would have just kept it up until I needed it for the baby, for my own peace of mind especially now that she's out of the crib, but she started to notice it and didn't like it. It's actually my own fault - it has a speaker you can talk to the child through the monitor and a few times when she got out of bed I'd say "get back into bed" into the monitor, or if she got out of bed and went out of view I could move the camera, but it makes a "whirring" noise when it moves. I noticed her running back into bed and then looking up at the camera when I would move it or talk to her through it. She also started to talk about it almost like it had a mind of it's own - "the camera told me to get back into bed" or "I heard the camera moving". I explained to her that I was the one doing it and even showed her how I did it with the buttons on the monitor, but I could tell it was making her feel nervous/uncomfortable so I told her we could take it out of her room if she wanted, and she said she did.
That rambling story to say - you'll totally use it for longer than 6 months! But try not to freak your child out with your spying haha.
We were talking about my husband getting a vasectomy.
Husband: Some guys from work said it could take a whole week to feel normal again. Me: I haven't felt normal in MONTHS and I won't feel normal for a long time after this baby is born. Also, this is my second time doing this.. Husband: No, I get it but I just want you to understand where I'm coming from..
Right. Because after having two babies, I have no idea how painful something can be.
This makes me roll my eyes SO hard. DH is on board with a vasectomy as well but I've asked him to wait til he's 30 (2 years away) because although he's 100% done with 2, I'm only about 99% sure and want us both to be totally sure before we take permanent measures. He'd probably go do it now if I told him I was ready. I anticipate him being a major baby after the procedure, to be honest, but I'm grateful that he's willing to do it as I have friends whose partners are adamantly refusing to ever have one done. I think it helps that he has friends who've done it and told him it was just a couple days of discomfort.
Since I'm getting a repeat c-section I felt a bit of internal pressure to just get my tubes tied during my surgery, but I'm not ready and, to be honest... I just don't want to get my tubes tied. My body has gone through enough. I know the risks are minimal but I just don't want to take them. DH's turn to be responsible for our reproductive choices!
I am getting a tubal during my C/S, dh is getting a vasectomy. His reasoning 'God has a sense of humor'. I told him that I was still doing it, his response was 'go ahead. I don't want any more babies with you are any one else'.
Gee thanks honey. I don't think he understood what he said.
@DobbysSock AHAHA!!! I love your monitor story. I can totally see that happening in our house. Very big brother'ish but I will ride it out as long as I can, too!
I am getting a tubal during my C/S, dh is getting a vasectomy. His reasoning 'God has a sense of humor'. I told him that I was still doing it, his response was 'go ahead. I don't want any more babies with you are any one else'.
Gee thanks honey. I don't think he understood what he said.
We have friends whose first two babies were surprises while on hormonal birth control. The husband got his vasectomy, followed all the rules, was cleared that his sperm count was 0. Then the wife got a positive pregnancy test and they found out he was the teeny tiny percentage whose vasectomy naturally reverses itself.
They decided to go ahead and have a fourth baby, and joked with us that they wanted to take back control and plan at least one of their pregnancies. Right before their ultrasound we asked them "Wouldn't it be funny if it's twins? Then the one planned pregnancy will actually still have a surprise baby." They didn't think we were as funny as we thought we were (it wasn't twins)
My mil's sister has had 5 unplanned pregnancies. Condom, pill, IUD,vasectomy, and during menopause. Some people just get pregnant when men look at them
"so what's the deal with labor, can't we just oil you up before hand and the baby can just slide right out. Do you think your doctor has something like that?"
unfortunately babe the birth canal isn't a slip and slide.
My mil's sister has had 5 unplanned pregnancies. Condom, pill, IUD,vasectomy, and during menopause. Some people just get pregnant when men look at them
Not a problem here! I had issues... and this baby is an IUI baby. But she sounds like my cousin. Who had twins, and went to the Dr for a tubal. She was breastfeeding on a pill. At her pre-op visit two days prior to sx, she was pregnant again. With a 2nd set of twins.
How about shit my mom said? Yesterday I said something along the lines of "he could come pretty soon so I want to be ready" and my mom answered nonchalantly "you don't need to worry about that, your brother came at 36 weeks but I was really active during my pregnancy so that shouldn't happen to you".
My husband was telling me the baby will like his chest hair because of the smells and gripping it will be comforting for him. I looked surprised so my husband said "What? I've been reading things. Mostly how to deal with you..."
An acquaintance of mine was telling me how her husband was looking into a vasectomy and went to "the" vasectomy doctor in our area. The info pamphlet he was given said stuff like "During the 6 week recovery period, your husband will be unable to lift anything heavier than a beer can or the television remote..." and other BS like that. Clearly written by a man for a man. And yes, it said 6 week recovery.
An acquaintance of mine was telling me how her husband was looking into a vasectomy and went to "the" vasectomy doctor in our area. The info pamphlet he was given said stuff like "During the 6 week recovery period, your husband will be unable to lift anything heavier than a beer can or the television remote..." and other BS like that. Clearly written by a man for a man. And yes, it said 6 week recovery.
See, that shit is just insulting towards men. My husband is just as capable of reading an info pamphlet with real medical information and guidelines as a female patient. I remember when we went to our childbirth classes they gave us all two books - Baby's Best Chance for the moms (which is a great resource, lots of information, summarizes pregnancy, childbirth, and baby's first year with quick answers to common questions like signs of labour, how many wet/poopy diapers a baby should have at each stage, etc.). Then they gave the dad's this little booklet that was basically a summary of the summary, and used comparisons like vehicle maintenance to explain infant care. DH definitely rolled his eyes and told me he felt like it was super condescending, and that he'd use my book if he had questions.
That kind of shit is what perpetuates this idea that women take care of the kids and men "babysit" their kids. it makes me super ragey. You don't babysit your own kid, you parent. I tried to find a baby book for MH when we first found out and 90% of them are some variation of The Caveman's Guide to having a Baby. Most ridiculous notion.
Re: Sh!t my SO said
DH openly admitted throughout most of this pregnancy that he coulnd't wrap his head around the fact we are having a baby. We both have children from previous relationships, so being a dad isn't a new/scary concept to him, but this is our first together and he just couldn't really grasp the concept until recently. Only in the last few weeks when it is VERY obvious that I am pregnant and uncomfortable and our nursery is complete that he is finally turning the corner. He's started actually rubbing the belly and talking about "when Evelyn gets here..." He's a sweet man who LOVES babies and children, so it's not an inability to connect. He just didn't "get it" until it was in his face. And I'm sure it will become even more real when she's born. I'm okay with that.
That does not mean that he wasn't invested, it doesn't mean that he didn't step in to help, and doesn't mean that he had absolutely no attachment to the baby and family that we created together. In all honesty, if he was the one that was pregnant, I am one of those "out of sight, out of mind" type people and wouldn't be thinking about the baby all hours of the day. When the day came that DD was born, he was instantly bonded with her, and I wasn't. Even though I carried her for 41 weeks, felt all of the movements, etc....we had a rough go in the beginning and it wasn't until she was a couple of months old that I really felt a bond and that I loved every inch of her. I felt guilt, a lot of guilt.....because I was watching all of my friends have their babies and talk about how they felt that instant bond. Yes, I loved DD, but I didn't feel attached to her. Everyone bonds and forms attachments in their own way, and that is how my husband did......from the time she was born, not from the time of conception....and there is nothing wrong with that.
It never bothered me, he has always been to important appointments, and when our babies were born, he was 100% invested and involved. That's what really matters to me.
I may or may not have thrown a hair dryer in response.
I'm gonna kill him.
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I think seeing this baby coming into the world will be an even more special experience for both of us because for our DS (2nd child) he was out of the country and didn't get to see him in person for 6 weeks. DH had never even held any other baby until our 1st was born but I never would have married someone that I felt was too childish or incapable of caring for their baby just as much as me
Gee thanks dude....How about you go get me some ice cream now.
I'm glad he's got his priorities, haha
"Giiirl, them pants are TIGHT."
"Oh, come on!"
"What? I didn't mean that in a bad way."
"Pants only get tighter if I get bigger."
"Oh. I guess you have a point."
Jesus, man.
July BMB June Signature
We were discussing the "must have" items that we still need to buy, while browsing in the store. My husband tells me, I don't understand why we need this fancy monitor. We're only using it for like 6 months. Me: 6 months?!? I'm spying on this child well into his/her toddler years!! And it's not fancy, but it's not the cheapest model either. I'd prefer to choose something that got good reviews and won't crap out on us!
Husband: Some guys from work said it could take a whole week to feel normal again.
Me: I haven't felt normal in MONTHS and I won't feel normal for a long time after this baby is born. Also, this is my second time doing this..
Husband: No, I get it but I just want you to understand where I'm coming from..
Right. Because after having two babies, I have no idea how painful something can be.
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IF (and only if) I happened to need an emergency c-section would that be true. But I am not electing to get surgery the day after I deliver YOUR child, thereby making my recovery harder and longer and risking complications that could interfere with feeding and bonding and caring for YOUR child in its first few weeks.
Man up and get the vasectomy. Your outpatient procedure is far less risky than my SURGERY.
@yeezusbutters there's a video from the Jim Gaffigan show buried in my IG somewhere and it's basically a verbatim conversation that me/DH had about vasectomies. (...off to Youtube to look for it)
That rambling story to say - you'll totally use it for longer than 6 months! But try not to freak your child out with your spying haha.
Since I'm getting a repeat c-section I felt a bit of internal pressure to just get my tubes tied during my surgery, but I'm not ready and, to be honest... I just don't want to get my tubes tied. My body has gone through enough. I know the risks are minimal but I just don't want to take them. DH's turn to be responsible for our reproductive choices!
I told him that I was still doing it, his response was 'go ahead. I don't want any more babies with you are any one else'.
Gee thanks honey. I don't think he understood what he said.
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They decided to go ahead and have a fourth baby, and joked with us that they wanted to take back control and plan at least one of their pregnancies. Right before their ultrasound we asked them "Wouldn't it be funny if it's twins? Then the one planned pregnancy will actually still have a surprise baby." They didn't think we were as funny as we thought we were (it wasn't twins)
unfortunately babe the birth canal isn't a slip and slide.
But she sounds like my cousin. Who had twins, and went to the Dr for a tubal. She was breastfeeding on a pill. At her pre-op visit two days prior to sx, she was pregnant again. With a 2nd set of twins.
A million eye rolls to him.
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