@drkoyya you've gotten a lot of great responses already, but I'll chime in too. I loved my time with DD when she was a newborn. Like @catem07 said, my only responsibility on maternity leave was to keep us both alive, and I had a great excuse not to deal with any work-related issues. H was also super supportive and actively involved in all of the baby care things when he was home from work, and that made a big difference in my having positive memories and experiences during that fourth trimester. That said, I never struggled with PPD or anything like that, and we have close family nearby who were more than willing to come over and help (and actually be HELPFUL) if we needed it. If those things had been different, I'm sure I wouldn't have felt the way I did.
I'm a little more apprehensive of how the newborn stage is going to go this time around, mainly because of DD1 being a toddler. She goes to daycare full time during the school year, but her daycare is 45 minutes away from our house, on the work end (not the home end) of our commute. So she'll be home with us for the first couple of weeks. When H goes back to work, he'll take her to daycare, but then he's taking off all of July and so she'll be home with us again. It's just too much of a pain to drive her all the way there, go home, then drive all the way back to get her later and all the way home again.
I also feel a little differently this time around, as I'm sure most STMs do. Pregnancy is a little less magical this time, and I'm more ready to be done and have my body back than I felt at this time with DD1. As much fun as it is to feel the baby kicks and everything, I'd rather have my baby in my arms than keep being pregnant. Obviously I want her to keep cooking as long as possible though.
As someone who had a really easy newborn (knock on wood) the first 3 months were sooo much easier than pregnancy. BUT it definitely got way harder/more exhausting after DS stopped sleeping all the time and I had to go back to work.
I’m really glad that we’re talking about the realities (good and not so good) of the 4th trimester. I don’t think I’ve really been thinking about what it’s going to be like. Maybe I’m blissfully ignorant because it doesn’t do me any good to stress about how exhausted and difficult it will be. In my delusional mind, I’m feeling like I’ll be okay and it won’t be “that bad.” I don’t know if it does any good to “mentally prepare” for the challenges. I can’t even begin to completely understand what those challenges will be. I mean I hear all the stories and I can comprehend them intellectually, but to understand it for real might be beyond my abilities because I have zero experience with that sort of thing.
@sunshinesea22 For me, the 4th trimester was harder to navigate as a FTM because it also involved such a major life change. I had to learn to accept that I couldn't just do the things I wanted to, when I wanted to (as someone who previously enjoyed "champagne Sundays," this was hard on me). With my second, 4th tri was easier because I'd already made, accepted, and was used to the general life changes. Plus, I knew what to expect and what was normal for newborns.
@sunshinesea22 I'm with you in being glad this conversation is happening. I have benefited from reading the responses. As a stm I'm anxious about the 4th trimester and balancing nurturing my toddler (2yr) and bonding with a new baby. I'm so worried my ds is going to feel neglected or replaced. As excited as I am about this baby, I'm equally sad about how it will affect our first and how it will change the dynamis of our family.
Trigger warning
me: 28 dh: 34 married since October 2015-started trying immediately dx: PCOS, anovulatory rx: provera metformin progesterone *TW* BFP August 2016- early mc- Enoch Matthis 1 clomid cycle (March 2017) BFP March 2017 ~ EDD December 13, 2017 di/di TWINS!!!!! vanishing twin- Hannah Jordan DS-Nov 23, 2017- emergency induction-- Pre-eclampsia *End TW* BFP Sept.2019
@sunshinesea22 I'm so sorry about your cat. It's so hard, pets are like family members for many and it's hard seeing them unwell. It's not like they can tell you exactly what's wrong so you can help them either.:(
Trigger warning
me: 28 dh: 34 married since October 2015-started trying immediately dx: PCOS, anovulatory rx: provera metformin progesterone *TW* BFP August 2016- early mc- Enoch Matthis 1 clomid cycle (March 2017) BFP March 2017 ~ EDD December 13, 2017 di/di TWINS!!!!! vanishing twin- Hannah Jordan DS-Nov 23, 2017- emergency induction-- Pre-eclampsia *End TW* BFP Sept.2019
I had very supportive family close by and a fairly easy newborn, but the first few months were still really a struggle for me. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but just something to keep in mind that even with a great support system things can be really tough and that's ok to admit and do what you need to do to make it through. Honestly for me I think I just struggled being at home and on demand 24/7 and once I went back to work I actually was feeling a lot better because I could get a real break or eat my lunch with both hands. I initially thought I would like to stay at home even though it would never make financial sense for me to be the one at home, but after living it for 10 weeks I realized I'm a better mom when I'm working and that's ok.
I also 100% with everyone who has mentioned a supportive husband as making 4th tri easier. It's so true. Having a husband who is truly a partner when it comes to caring for baby is not only hugely helpful physically, but also emotionally. I opted to breastfeed, so obviously MH couldn't help me there, but he was totally hands on for everything else. Food, laundry, cleaning, infant care, etc. It really does make a big difference in your mental state.
For me, 4th tri was relatively manageable and smooth as a FTM. I did think it was much harder than being pregnant, however. Granted, we had no huge issues come up with breastfeeding, colic, etc. I am nervous about a toddler at home while managing a newborn, but I'll take each day as it comes. I don't know if anyone has ever worked permanent night shift, but at least for my situation I found working nights harder on me physically and emotionally than being up at night with a newborn, even if it was every 1-2 hours.
In other news, I ordered a dress from Rent the Runway for an event this weekend and it was supposed to arrive today. Well I check my email at like 9 PM last night and they sent an email saying my dress was out of stock so they sent another one. Soooo frustrating because I spent forever looking for a bump friendly dress that I actually liked that was available in long.
@rachelg777 that's so frustrating! hopefully the dress will be cute and work for you! I've never tried Rent the Runway, but I've heard a lot of great things about it!
@chewie5990 Thanks I hope so too! I've used them a handful of times before and have never had an issue. I will say they do have great customer service. They sent a couple other options (after I called telling them I need a pregnancy friendly dress...) that should arrive tomorrow so fx!
Like @ruby696 pretty much everyone came to the hospital to meet DS and I only had a few people come to our house after. My hospital doesn't allow anyone under 14 into the OB ward to meet baby unless it's the sibling, so my sister brought my nephews to our house to meet him and SIL brought her kids by also.
And omg yes the transition to 4th tri will be a million times better if you have a support system or supportive partner. H made dinner, did laundry, learned how to change diapers, would get up in the middle of the night when DS woke up and give me a chance to get situated before handing him over to bf, made sure I stayed fed and hydrated and went to all the appointments. I was lucky he stayed home 4 weeks last time and he'll do that again this time for sure, it was a lifesaver especially because I don't have helpful family members.
@rachelg777 Glad to know my night shift experience will come in handy! I hope the replacement dresses come early and are something you want to wear!! I’ve had a last minute dress arrive issue with RTR before and dealing with that stress when you have an event THAT DAY is not fun. Even less so when your clothing options are greatly limited by the bump.
MH is at the vet hospital with our cat now and we just got the results of his ultrasound. There’s some kind of mass in his intestines and a thickening of the intestinal wall. They’re not sure if it’s cancer or just an obstruction that may have perforated slightly. Either way they don’t want to do a biopsy, because there’s a higher risk of perforation which would be very bad. So we’re going to do the recommended surgery to remove that portion of intestines. If it’s a non cancerous mass, then he will be good to go. If it’s cancerous, we will not seek any further treatment and just keep him comfy for as long as he wants to stick around. It’s expensive and I never thought I would be the person to spend thousands of dollars on surgery for a cat, but he’s not even 7 yet and he still has many years left in him if it’s not cancer. If we don’t do anything, he will definitely die in a short timeframe and I just can’t let him wither away if it’s totally fixable.
@sunshinesea22 I'm so sorry, but I'm also glad they found something that can *hopefully* be fixed. We've been in the situation where we ended up paying thousands for vet care for our dog and it sucks, but at least you know you did everything you could. Fx it's an obstruction and surgery does the trick.
*I had an abyssinian growing up who was lethargic, wouldn't eat or move, and just looked like the end was near. They discovered an obstruction and did surgery. He had eaten over 30 hair ties... he liked to bat them around and apparently he was also eating them after he finished hunting them. He lived another 10 years after the surgery. I hope you have a similar outcome.
@ruby696 Thank you. I hope we have a similar situation on our hands. It sounds like they should be able to do the surgery today, so hopefully we know some more about the cause by the end of the day.
Edit: Added picture of me and my Oliver last night. He was very cuddly after not wanting to be held for 3 days
@sunshinesea22 fingers crossed that surgery goes well and you have a positive outcome for your sweet kitty.
Just FYI for anyone else with pets it might be worth considering pet insurance. We bought it when we first got our puppy because I would rather spend the $30-$40/month that I won't even miss and know that if anything big comes up we will be covered and not struggling to make a difficult decision based on finances especially knowing that golden retrievers can be prone to cancer and hip issues etc. But also I'm an actuary and a very risk averse person in general so this might not be everyone's cup of tea
@sunshinesea22 we do what we can do for our pets. Regardless what the mass is, surgery is going to make your cat much more comfortable and provide a better quality of life at this point. Fingers crossed he makes a full recovery. I know our vet surgery center also offered payment plans through a third party if necessary, so definitely ask about your options if this is causing you any level of financial stress on top of the emotional stress.
... As a stm I'm anxious about the 4th trimester and balancing nurturing my toddler (2yr) and bonding with a new baby. I'm so worried my ds is going to feel neglected or replaced. As excited as I am about this baby, I'm equally sad about how it will affect our first and how it will change the dynamis of our family.
So much this. I'm very worried about how the 4th trimester will affect my relationship with DD. I struggle a lot when I don't get enough sleep and DD is in that trying threenager stage so I'm worried that I'm going to lose my patience all the time and hurt our relationship even more than having to share me is going to change it.
To chime in on the rest of the conversation, I didn't love being pregnant the first time, but also really struggled with the 4th trimester. H is a true parenting partner, but I still felt very alone most of the time (probably some unrecognized ppd there). Being across the country from family wasn't horrible (MIL is going to be overwhelming this time now that we're closer), but when they did come visit they weren't very helpful in the ways I expected them to be. We also didn't have much of a support system where we were and the ones that we thought we had dropped off the grid. One of them later told me that she didn't want to be around anyone after her kids were born so she didn't think I would, but I craved human interaction, especially after H went back to work at 6 weeks. Though going back to work at 12 weeks was hard and felt too soon, it was so freeing and helped me feel more like a person and less of an insufficient cow.
@bananapanda Pet insurance is great in theory but it doesn't always work, at least in my experience. My cat goes to the vet alot and it covered her regular appointments and vaccinations which was great. It did not cover all of the tests that we did to figure out why she was sick. So I ended up wasting extra money on the tests plus the monthly pet insurance. That was just my experience, but I know other people had really good experience.
@lajoliedreamer you mention friends dropping of the grid... This is how I feel now, while pregnant. Just because we can't snowboard together and I'm pregnant doesn't mean I don't exist, it doesn't mean I don't want to see you, it doesn't mean there isn't another activity we can do together, it doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore if I have a child and you don't. Ugh. People.
@pirateduck Sadly that part only gets worse. Even out of my closest friends, only a select few of them have put any amount of effort into staying in touch regularly since I had DS1 3+ years ago. A couple of them "came back" after they had kids of their own, but it's definitely tough to keep up a friendship when one of you has kids and the other doesn't.
**TW**
Me: 35 | H: 40 Married Sept. 2013 DS1: Nov 11, 2016 MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d) CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d) BFP! 8/24/19 DS2: May 10, 2020
@pirateduck I'm definitely struggling with the friend thing right now too. I'm the first of my friends to have children and I really dont think they know how to act. Definitely feels isolating though
+1 for the friends dropping off. @randic22 I'm also the first of my friends to have kids and it's been really interesting to see the differences in reaction. I was thinking about a friend the other day and realized that she hasn't reached out to me since I told her I was pregnant in October and it just occurred to me it might be because she doesn't want to talk about baby stuff at all.
Yeah it's pretty disheartening. I even do my best not to bring up baby stuff unless asked. I find myself wishing one of my friends would just get knocked up so I had a mom friend lol Pretty messed up
I couldn’t make a friends Halloween party because it was first trimester and I didn’t feel well enough. I haven’t been invited out with that group since. Not sure if it’s related, but it feels that way. Luckily I do have other groups of friends, but it doesn’t make it feel any better. My friend who has an 18 month old said everyone is excited to see baby when she’s a newborn, but that slowly teeters out too.
The friend situation is hard especially if you are the first to have children. In my experience, a lot of them came back after having their own. I have also been able to keep friends that aren't planning on having children of their own. It just depends...those friends are considered "aunts" and "uncles" because they want a relationship with me and my family. It did take lots of talking through to let them know that I can be a person outside of being a mother and that not everything has to involve my children. So I do get nights out with friends for dinner to just be me for a while. It is nice to have.
I feel like friends don't always know if you are feeling up to . hanging out or doing things when you are pregnant/have little ones. After I had DS1 I reached out to people to let them know I am still me and would like to see them but after reaching out once I let it go.
I'm somewhere in the middle. About half of my close friends have kids and the other half do not. Looking back, I still stayed in contact with my friends when they first had kids but I didn't always ask to hang out because I didn't know if they would be up for it. I have/do offered to come over to hang out with them and their kids, but didn't always invite them out. Especially during pregnancy, I just assumed that if they wanted to hang out they would ask. Now that I'm pregnant, most of my friends still keep in touch but I really don't hang out with anyone. Most of that is just our busy schedules and the fact I moved further away. I do have 1 friend, who I've known since childhood, who hasn't reached out much or even offered to see me. Luckily, that's the vibe from most of my friends.
@sunshinesea22 I hope surgery goes well and you get good news. But either way I'm sure he'll be feeling much better after getting the blockage taken care of.
For pet insurance, I decided to buy it because it will usually cover bigger things like emergency surgery or expensive treatments. I know I'm still paying out of pocket for labs and check-ups, but it would be nice to have the big unexpected stuff covered if it comes up.
Also schools are already closing for tomorrow I am waiting to see if DS will be one. I also am debating even if they are open keeping him home based on the roads. There was a district that a bus rolled over in today, luckily no one was hurt but still I would rather he stay home with me then be out on dangerous roads.
@jrouge12 we are getting hit starting tonight and then it supposed to get worse throughout the day so I am thinking we might stay home just to be safe.
@mamaj1220 and @jrouge12 Jealous that you’re having winter weather. Global warming has ruined winter for SE Pennsylvania, MH is pretty upset about it. I don’t want snow all the time, but at least a few inches a few times per winter would be nice
I guess if there’s a bright side to not having any geographically close friends is that they can’t get much more distant than they already are. I’m really hoping this baby is helpful for making mom friends nearby.
When I first got Oliver, I was a poor student so pet insurance was not in the budget. By the time I could afford it, I asked our vet at the time about it and he said that Oliver probably wouldn’t qualify because of some minor health history, so I didn’t look into it more. Of course it would be nice to have that now, but oh well. I’m just glad that we are able to afford the surgery and it won’t create a hardship for us.
Oliver had surgery this afternoon and they were able to remove the mass and the doctor confirmed he had a small perforation and there was a lot of bacteria. She said his intestines were “obliterated” in the area near the obstruction and that there was “a lot going on.” She’s sending everything out for pathology. She said overall everything went well and she expects him to make a full recovery. I can go visit tomorrow afternoon, but he probably won’t come home until at least Saturday.
@sunshinesea22 Glad it was obstruction over tumor. I hope he recovers quickly!
_______________________________________________
Me: 33 DH: 32 Married 7/18/15 1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16 Team green turned BLUE! 2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18 Team green turned PINK! Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
It is a blizzard here, we are getting inches by the hour and the DOT has asked everyone to stay off the roads there is a travel ban, but people are still out driving and the main highway through town that connects us to everything else is now blocked and backed up until at least 3 pm because people did not listen. I am annoyed by this because what if someone has a real emergency and now the trucks cant get through!
@mamaj1220 I know this storm is widespread, so I don't know if you're near me or not, but we're in a similar situation, many places have seen over 20 inches of snow in less than 24 hours and it's not stopping anytime soon. Most major highways are closed indefinitely. I somewhat foolishly drove to work (probably should have turned around), it took me about an hour instead of 40 minutes. I was off the last day and a half feeling crappy and had an OB appointment, so I felt like I needed to go in today (and don't want to burn more PTO if I don't have to). Here's hoping everyone in the storm areas are safe and have heat and electricity etc.!
@pirateduck I don't think I am, you are out west right? I am in the Finger Lakes Region of NY. I had to call and cancel my OB appointment for today because I was not driving up there and my boss text me first thing this morning and was like you should work from home so I am staying put and then we are going to try and build a snowman in a little bit since I have flex hours today anyways. Will you be able to get home?
I stopped on my way in to work today and got a sandwich for lunch. At the last minute I also picked up a salad. It's 8:50 AM and I'm currently eating the sandwich, so I guess it's a good thing I got the salad too. #pregnantlife
Re: Randoms (2/1 - 2/29)
I'm a little more apprehensive of how the newborn stage is going to go this time around, mainly because of DD1 being a toddler. She goes to daycare full time during the school year, but her daycare is 45 minutes away from our house, on the work end (not the home end) of our commute. So she'll be home with us for the first couple of weeks. When H goes back to work, he'll take her to daycare, but then he's taking off all of July and so she'll be home with us again. It's just too much of a pain to drive her all the way there, go home, then drive all the way back to get her later and all the way home again.
I also feel a little differently this time around, as I'm sure most STMs do. Pregnancy is a little less magical this time, and I'm more ready to be done and have my body back than I felt at this time with DD1. As much fun as it is to feel the baby kicks and everything, I'd rather have my baby in my arms than keep being pregnant. Obviously I want her to keep cooking as long as possible though.
edit: fix word
I have benefited from reading the responses. As a stm I'm anxious about the 4th trimester and balancing nurturing my toddler (2yr) and bonding with a new baby. I'm so worried my ds is going to feel neglected or replaced. As excited as I am about this baby, I'm equally sad about how it will affect our first and how it will change the dynamis of our family.
Trigger warning
married since October 2015-started trying immediately
dx: PCOS, anovulatory
rx: provera metformin progesterone
*TW*
BFP August 2016- early mc- Enoch Matthis
1 clomid cycle (March 2017)
BFP March 2017 ~ EDD December 13, 2017
di/di TWINS!!!!! vanishing twin- Hannah Jordan
DS-Nov 23, 2017- emergency induction-- Pre-eclampsia
*End TW*
BFP Sept.2019
Trigger warning
married since October 2015-started trying immediately
dx: PCOS, anovulatory
rx: provera metformin progesterone
*TW*
BFP August 2016- early mc- Enoch Matthis
1 clomid cycle (March 2017)
BFP March 2017 ~ EDD December 13, 2017
di/di TWINS!!!!! vanishing twin- Hannah Jordan
DS-Nov 23, 2017- emergency induction-- Pre-eclampsia
*End TW*
BFP Sept.2019
In other news, I ordered a dress from Rent the Runway for an event this weekend and it was supposed to arrive today. Well I check my email at like 9 PM last night and they sent an email saying my dress was out of stock so they sent another one. Soooo frustrating because I spent forever looking for a bump friendly dress that I actually liked that was available in long.
And omg yes the transition to 4th tri will be a million times better if you have a support system or supportive partner. H made dinner, did laundry, learned how to change diapers, would get up in the middle of the night when DS woke up and give me a chance to get situated before handing him over to bf, made sure I stayed fed and hydrated and went to all the appointments. I was lucky he stayed home 4 weeks last time and he'll do that again this time for sure, it was a lifesaver especially because I don't have helpful family members.
MH is at the vet hospital with our cat now and we just got the results of his ultrasound. There’s some kind of mass in his intestines and a thickening of the intestinal wall. They’re not sure if it’s cancer or just an obstruction that may have perforated slightly. Either way they don’t want to do a biopsy, because there’s a higher risk of perforation which would be very bad. So we’re going to do the recommended surgery to remove that portion of intestines. If it’s a non cancerous mass, then he will be good to go. If it’s cancerous, we will not seek any further treatment and just keep him comfy for as long as he wants to stick around. It’s expensive and I never thought I would be the person to spend thousands of dollars on surgery for a cat, but he’s not even 7 yet and he still has many years left in him if it’s not cancer. If we don’t do anything, he will definitely die in a short timeframe and I just can’t let him wither away if it’s totally fixable.
*I had an abyssinian growing up who was lethargic, wouldn't eat or move, and just looked like the end was near. They discovered an obstruction and did surgery. He had eaten over 30 hair ties... he liked to bat them around and apparently he was also eating them after he finished hunting them. He lived another 10 years after the surgery. I hope you have a similar outcome.
Eta:autocorrect
Just FYI for anyone else with pets it might be worth considering pet insurance. We bought it when we first got our puppy because I would rather spend the $30-$40/month that I won't even miss and know that if anything big comes up we will be covered and not struggling to make a difficult decision based on finances especially knowing that golden retrievers can be prone to cancer and hip issues etc. But also I'm an actuary and a very risk averse person in general so this might not be everyone's cup of tea
So much this. I'm very worried about how the 4th trimester will affect my relationship with DD. I struggle a lot when I don't get enough sleep and DD is in that trying threenager stage so I'm worried that I'm going to lose my patience all the time and hurt our relationship even more than having to share me is going to change it.
To chime in on the rest of the conversation, I didn't love being pregnant the first time, but also really struggled with the 4th trimester. H is a true parenting partner, but I still felt very alone most of the time (probably some unrecognized ppd there). Being across the country from family wasn't horrible (MIL is going to be overwhelming this time now that we're closer), but when they did come visit they weren't very helpful in the ways I expected them to be. We also didn't have much of a support system where we were and the ones that we thought we had dropped off the grid. One of them later told me that she didn't want to be around anyone after her kids were born so she didn't think I would, but I craved human interaction, especially after H went back to work at 6 weeks. Though going back to work at 12 weeks was hard and felt too soon, it was so freeing and helped me feel more like a person and less of an insufficient cow.
FTM
BFP 08/25/19, EDD 05/04/20
Married Sept. 2013
DS1: Nov 11, 2016
MMC: 11/16/18 (9w6d)
CP: 2/3/19 (5w3d)
BFP! 8/24/19
DS2: May 10, 2020
FTM
BFP: 9/5/19 ~ EDD 5/15/20
FTM
BFP 08/25/19, EDD 05/04/20
For pet insurance, I decided to buy it because it will usually cover bigger things like emergency surgery or expensive treatments. I know I'm still paying out of pocket for labs and check-ups, but it would be nice to have the big unexpected stuff covered if it comes up.
I guess if there’s a bright side to not having any geographically close friends is that they can’t get much more distant than they already are. I’m really hoping this baby is helpful for making mom friends nearby.
When I first got Oliver, I was a poor student so pet insurance was not in the budget. By the time I could afford it, I asked our vet at the time about it and he said that Oliver probably wouldn’t qualify because of some minor health history, so I didn’t look into it more. Of course it would be nice to have that now, but oh well. I’m just glad that we are able to afford the surgery and it won’t create a hardship for us.
DH: 32
Married 7/18/15
1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
Team green turned BLUE!
2nd born at 38+6 on 8/30/18
Team green turned PINK!
Due with #3 on 6/6/20 Team Green
DD #2: May 2020
Baby #3: EDD May 2023; MC October 2022