PGAL Check-in Week of 11/25

coco2787

@nomangos23 sorry I disappeared like that, I felt weird about posting in the grad thread.  Still lurking TTGP and rooting for all my TTCAL ladies  

meatballs37

I’m struggling this week. Not so much with PGAL brain, but how the death of my sons has alienated me from people in my life. From people who have even said to me that grief has no time line. But as soon as it became an inconvenience to their own lives, the tune quickly changed. I don’t know why people are upset when I still have very real triggers in my life that can affect my entire day in a detrimental way. Like not being able to go to a baby shower or being able to read about someone’s NICU struggles out in the open. I feel like these are pretty obvious examples. I was finally able to see my best friends newborn when he was a month old and hold him. That was so huge for me since I haven’t held a newborn since Abe. I think maybe a large part of my healing has been this current pregnancy giving me hope. But at the same time I struggle with the guilt of being pregnant again. Which I know so many of you do as well. 

It’s opening my eyes to who is willing to look beyond themselves and try and see things through my perspective. These are the people I will hold onto.  But it’s still eating me up that because I still need some sensitivity in my life, I am looked at as an ungrateful person for all past allowances. I know no one is perfect and someone might still slip up say the wrong thing or not be careful in conversation with me. All I’m saying is, when it happens, it still hurts a year later and that’s not really either sides fault. We are all human. I am still allowed to be hurt by it, intentional or not. But my problem is now when it happens, the attitude towards me is “well it’s been a year. And this is my life, so I should get to say whatever I want without considering you. If you are still hurt, that’s on you because I’ve tried for the last year and clearly because of that you are ungrateful.” Why can’t people just say “I’m sorry. I will keep working on being considerate of your feelings surrounding your loss because you are important to us.”

Sorry for the ramble. But after already losing my sons, I am navigating a second loss, people I thought were friends. Lots of tears have been shed this week. 

ruby696

*lurking*

So many hugs to you @meatballs37. I can't help but think that those people lack empathy to some extent. I can't imagine how anyone who has a child could expect you to move on. Who could recover from what you've experienced in a year? I don't have any advice on how to handle the situation, but I'm thinking of you.

eleven_

@meatballs37 I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rough week. I honestly can’t believe there are people in your life that don’t understand you are still hurting. A year is nothing and honestly, time does not heal all wounds. I don’t think people should expect that you will ever be in a place where they don’t need to be sensitive to your losses. I’m so sorry that they don’t understand that. So many hugs, friend 

coco2787

I’m sorry people are being so insensitive @meatballs37 that makes me so angry for you. Losing two babies is something I would never expect someone to get over, no matter how much time has passed. It’s crazy how people can be so supportive those first few weeks and then suddenly decide that enough time has passed. It hurts to feel like the world has forgotten our babies. I think a lot of people who haven’t experienced loss also feel like a new baby somehow makes it all better, as if one child could somehow replace another. If anything, it brings up new emotions because you know you wouldn’t have this new pregnancy if your babies had lived. You have every right to feel the way you feel, for as long as you need to feel, and I’m so sorry you’ve lost friends that refuse to understand that. 

dntstpbelieveing

@meatballs37 I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Of course you are still grieving of course it still hurts. I don't imagine there will be a time that it wont. If someone does not understand it then it is really their loss. I dont know you but from what I have seen in the last 8ish week is that you are very caring, compassionate and supportive. You are one of the strongest people I "know". If someone can't see that then they are stuck behind some boulder in their own mind and its got nothing to actually do with you. Since having my son I am all about getting toxic people out of our lives. They are toxic because of themselves not because of us. It still really sucks and is very isolating.  

sparklingdiamond

@meatballs37 I am so sorry for the rough week.  My favorite thing I saw about grief is that people used to think that grief diminishes over time.  But what they have found is that the grief remains and you simply grow around it.  I really like this and I tell this to people whenever they don't understand.  The grief will never go away.  Years later we will still think of our babies and there will still be triggers.  And people who care about you need to accept that.  Sending you big hugs.

carleym93

@meatballs37 I’m so sorry that you’ve had a tough week, but more sorry for the last year you have had. I don’t know how any rational person can think that time would completely erase the loss of a child, especially only over the course of one year. Sending you so many hugs. 

Dcwtada

@meatballs37 I know a lot of it can come from a place of true ignorance/naivety and some can come from people having their priorities skewed. My social circle with friends and family for various reasons has definitely become smaller and tighter but it has been the best thing that could have happened. The people in my life now are the ones I can be truly open and understand (even if they don’t get it) and I have never been more supported or happier. Although I am a creepy introvert so that may be a part of it too  

meatballs37

Thanks ladies. I know I have a really great group of friends in my life who do get it (who know these “friends” and don’t agree with their behavior). I know I have to focus on the good. Thank you for letting me vent. It makes me feel better just to put it out there instead of turning it over and over in my head at night at where I might have gone wrong. 

I appreciate this little spot on the internet. If I didn’t have it, my anxiety would consume me. 

meatballs37

How is everyone else doing? Appointments? 

Also, congrats to @srscott3 two little girls ❤️ 

TJtheGoat

@meatballs37 im so sorry some of your friends are being shitty. It’s perfectly understandable that you still have triggers and need some extra support from people around you. If they are having trouble with that, it definitely reflects on them and not you. I’m glad you feel comfortable venting here. 

AFM, we did get our NIPT results back and everything is low risk so that’s a relief. We still haven’t decided whether we want to stay team green so the sex is in an email in my inbox. BF really wants to know so we will probably look sooner than later. 

bakerstreetboys

Hugs to you @meatballs37. The other ladies have said all the things I was thinking, but I am thinking of you and sorry that there are people in your life who don’t understand. 

mkfolse22

@meatballs37 I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with all that and people don’t seem to understand. I can’t imagine being as put together as you are only a year later after all you’ve been through. Please don’t ever feel wrong for how you’re feeling! I’ve spoke with patients that lost children years before and they still tear up talking about it. There truly is no limit on how long we grieve. 

mkfolse22

Seeing everyone’s results from the NIPT is making me anxious. I didn’t have it done because I’m doing the quad screen at 15wks. It was offered but doesn’t detect NTD so my MW said it made more sense to wait. 3 weeks seems like forever. 

kjr9519

I’m so sorry you’re going through that, @meatballs37 . There are so many complicated emotions that go with loss, and I wish more people could understand and know how to be kind and thoughtful. I am glad that you have some good friends as well to lean on. Sometimes a few great friends are way better than a lot of okay friends.

antera23

@meatballs37 I’m so sorry your friends aren’t understanding. It’s so disappointing when the people who should be there for you don’t understand. 

sparklingdiamond

@meatballs37 I forgot did you go to counseling?  I started going about a month ago.  I wasn't ready before then.  But I'm finding it does help. I know we have talked about it before but can't remember what you said.  And I did hate everyone trying to push me into counseling after our loss so I'm totally not trying to do that!

sarcat87

I had my peace of mind ultrasound today and it went well. I heard the heartbeat and it was strong. Doc solidified by due date at 6/25 based on the last three ultrasounds. Baby was measuring the 6/29 today but the doctor said she didn't think she got the whole thing in the measurement. I couldn't believe how big the baby looked - it was seemingly taking up all the space. I didn't make it to 10 weeks last time. Cautiously optimistic. Next appointment is 12/10 where we do the NIPT. Should get results 7-10 days after that. 

meatballs37

@sparklingdiamond yes I have been in counseling for years for general anxiety disorder. But when my first son died last October in utero, my MFM was able to refer me to a psych and therapist who specialize in loss of children. I made the transfer and it has been really beneficial for me. However, I quit going because trying to schedule an appointment was getting difficult with my current childcare situation. I took DD a few times with me and it was a disaster. 

purplepelican

*lurker who doesn’t go here*

@meatballs37 I just wanted to pop in and say how sorry I am you had to see that crazy woman’s comment, much less to have it made in a reply to you. I don’t plan on TTC again for a couple more years, so if she shows up again tag me and if I’m lurking I’ll happily get banned for running her out of “town” with a metaphorical torch and pitchfork.

sparklingdiamond

@meatballs37 Ugh that is my struggle too.  The childcare.

srscott3

Thank you for the shout out @meatballs37 ❤️ We’re very excited for two girls so close in age 🎀

and I am so sorry for people of the world who don’t understand. The toughest moments in our lives truly show us who our real friends are. And anyone who thinks you should be “over it” by now is not a person who deserves you or your love. My aunt had a stillbirth about 25 years ago and she still grieves that little girl. 

I missed the rest of the BOTB thread because we were traveling, but it seems like you handled it with such grace. I’m sorry that awful person said such hurtful things in the first place though ❤️

sparklingdiamond

My NT scan is Monday at 1:30 and I'm so scared and anxious about it.  I keep reminding myself I have no reason to believe anything is wrong.  The chances of the same thing happening again are so low. But the chances of it happening in the first place were low and it still happened.  I just want it to be over.

kjr9519

@sparklingdiamond I’ll be thinking of you on Monday. 

bakerstreetboys

Ultrasound today went well, baby is measuring bag on at 10w1d. Slowly starting to believe that this could be it!  I’ll go this afternoon for NIPT blood draw and then the wait for the next two weeks to fly by begins!

eleven_

Yay @bakerstreetboys ! So happy to hear this  

kjr9519

So glad to hear the good news @bakerstreetboys !

meatballs37

Yes! @bakerstreetboys

@sparklingdiamond I hope Monday comes fast so you can start to breathe easier. 

Dcwtada

I am so excited and happy for you @bakerstreetboys

dntstpbelieveing

Yay @bakerstreetboys! I am happy you had a good US!

@sparklingdiamond do you have any fun plans this weekend to distract you if possible?

meatballs37

I already posted in the appropriate places. But our NIPT is all low risk. We are having another girl. I’m sooooo relieved. And now feel like I can start to be excited. My heart feels full knowing that our boys will be special since this is our last baby. 

bakerstreetboys

Oh that's so awesome @meatballs37 !  Low risk is a huge relief, and I know you were hoping for a girl

coco2787

yay @meatballs37!  How exciting   How are you feeling about having a girl?  I hope you feel at peace with this news.  

@bakerstreetboys oh I'm so glad to hear everything is looking good after your initial uncertainty.  I hope you can relax a little bit now.  

I don't think the anxiety ever goes away @sparklingdiamond.  I hope everything looks perfect at your scan  

dntstpbelieveing

Congratulations @meatballs37!! 

meatballs37

@coco2787 I am a little relieved knowing it’s a girl. It feels less like we are replacing the boys. I mean I know we aren’t no matter what, but I have less guilt knowing it is a girl if that makes sense? And of course since baby will be born at 36 weeks, we are aware it’s a high likelihood we will have some NICU time. But girls statistically do better being born premature. So who knows, we may get to skip the NICU altogether. 

DH said he heard his wallet scream a little when the nurse told us it was a girl. 😆 

suzycupcake

*dirty lurker* 

@meatballs37 Congratulations! at YH's comment  

coco2787

I totally understand that feeling @meatballs37, I've been having similar thoughts about this baby potentially being a girl- I wanted the girl we had and another one would sort of feel like a "replacement".  But then I'd also be a little sad at having a boy because it means we lost the only daughter we're ever going to have as we'd be done after two.  I know ultimately I don't care as long as I get a take home baby but there are a lot of mixed emotions.  

I'm glad to hear you are happy with having a little girl though  

dntstpbelieveing

@meatballs37 a personal question... If you know you will deliver at 36 will they give you the steroid lung shot ahead of time? I don't know a whole lot about it. But with my son I got the shot at 34 weeks because I started having conplications and he was delivered at 35. He spent a few hours in the NICU due to blood sugar but never needed oxygen so I assume the shot helped (I'm not medical so what do I know). But it's been on my mind this time knowing that I will also be induced early. I don't know if it's one of those things I can request or we have to judge it at the time and my complications in the moment.

carleym93

Yay @meatballs37!! So so excited for you! ❤️