Thanks for your responses everyone, it helps me feel less alone!!! @becks_726 nooo, not you too! Hope we make it through the best we can @disneybaby84@BourbonBiscuits overall, I come from a family of extremely nervous/anxious people. I’ve learned how to cope, but when I’m anxious about something it can get really bad. I think I’m super nervous about the results of my glucose test ... that I haven’t even had yet! And yesterday I was browsing another board and **Trigger warning** someone posted a picture of their baby that passed away after they delivered at 20 weeks without a TW. I can’t unsee it. I feel selfish because that mom was looking for support and I should just get over it. Now I’m just overwhelmed with OMG- what if that happens.. taking a deep breath and trying to move forward with my day! Thanks again for all your responses
@BourbonBiscuits - oh goodness! When my little guy comes creeping in my room in the early AM hours, he always does the cutest/ sweetest things to wake me up that I have a hard time being TOO mad.
@hnbergeron - That's crazy! Did you happen to get a plate just in case? I'd be a little twitchy about that too.
@ohsunnydays oh I’m so sorry. Those posts are so triggering and a lot of the time articles like that come up on my Facebook. I also know a girl from HS that *Tw* lost her son at around 5.5 months pregnant. And infant loss month is October so it’s double hard*
@ohsunnydays omg... I cannot imagine seeing that without being prepared! I know that she was looking for support but that’s not something that most people could just see and move on from. Just hearing about my coworker losing her baby at 20 weeks upset me for way longer than I’d like to admit.
@ohsunnydays- I really struggle with stress and anxiety too, and I have a really unfortunately overactive imagination and also retain disturbing imagery and information really well. (One reason I am not on FB.) The thing is, you know how it is, you'll be worrying about this kid their whole life. I had totally paranoid day mares about terrible things happening to DS in the six months after he was born that dwarfed any of my (I thought) intense anxiety about my pregnancy with him (as a PGAL at that time). My thoughts that help me are: Slow mindful breaths, and good self talk about it being just fear and trying to watch it pass by in your mind's eye, as if it were floating on a river, then if necessary, more interventions, right? Me, I go to therapy. My SO does that plus anti anxiety meds. No shame in those games for sure.
@danixbanani24@megpants209@sjnsjnsjn thank you so much. Your thoughtful responses are so comforting and helpful. Deep breaths and moving on as best I can!
@madreofdragons I will be induced a week early too- I told my Doc, I would NOT do Valentines Day. We need to get DH's parents to do a babysitting night or two where they put DD to bed, so they can help when I go in for everything. At least the 1st night. DH's sister live close too- hoping she can help that week a bit- she is a teacher (K and 1st) so we have lots of faith in her!!!
TW: 1 infant loss 8/17: Our daughter was born 8/18: Our daughter kicked open heart surgery ass 2/19: We lost our son to Prader-Willi/Paradoxical Vocal Cord/ Noonans at 6wks old 4/26/2020: EDD for baby #3!!!
I’m lucky both my parents and MIL are within 5 minutes of us. We did a total of 3 nights including induction last time but as long as all goes well I’m more comfortable letting DH go home and keep the routine the same for DD one of the nights at least. I sent him home the first night with DD but was scared I’d do something wrong, so I made him come back at 6am.
Did anyone else send their H home every night with their first kid? It never really occurred to me he’d stay... we have a dog so I just assumed he’d go home to stay with her
We spent 2 nights in the hospital with DS (one of which was the induction) and H stayed with me the whole time. I wish I had sent him home, but we were an hour away from home. He didn't get any rest at all and ended up feeling worse/more tired than I did by the end of it. I'm hoping this time I can send him home to get some sleep, even if DS will be with my mom (who lives closer to the hospital where I'll deliver than we do!)
@megpants209 I was in the hospital for 4 nights because of my c/s. My parents stayed with me during the day, and DH would go to work. He'd go home at the end of the day to spend time with the boys before coming back to the hospital at night. In the morning he went home to get ready for work and my parents got the boys ready and dropped them off at school. Repeat x4. It worked well until the last night when the boys wanted to see me. We kept them away other than the 1st day because my youngest was born during a really bad flu season.
@megpants209 my DH stayed the entire time too. I can’t imagine him not being there, he was such a big support. Also having an unscheduled c section after a long labor made it hard for me to care for DD for the first day or so.
@grebretso and @ohsunnydays I am so sorry you had to see those images! They would be burned in my brain as well. I understand their need to post for support but TWs should have been posted as well.
@sjnsjnsjn I totally relate to the anxiety being worst pp in regards to baby’s safety/health. I was always checking to make sure DD was breathing when she was asleep and every little sound from her made me jump out of bed to her bassinet.
I still worry about all that could happen to her now that she is 2 and so much more active (and able to run away from me so easily!).
Before I had her I used to irrationally worry about being one of those parents who accidentally left her kid in the car. It would freak me out! Anxiety is tough especially as a parent.
I sent DH home each night and also my hospital didn’t allow over night guests (no private rooms ugh). It made sense in the long run so we both got much needed rest. I was in the hospital for two days but DS had to stay an extra night because of his hip dysplasia. I cried so much leaving him in the hospital - it was awful
@ohsunnydays@grebretso just hearing about a loss at this point is enough to send anyone into an anxiety tailspin, I’m sorry you had to see those images without any warning:(
@megpants209 - I’m probably in the minority but my DH did not do overnights at the hospital for either of our kids (and I stayed 3 nights each time because of having c-sections).
For us, we had a dog that needed attention and then, when I had our second, a toddler who needed a little bit of normalcy in her life and that meant having Daddy there in the morning when she woke up.
Honestly, I didn’t *need* DH there. Our hospital promotes “rooming in” which meant baby was with me the whole time and then I could call for a nurse if needed. I also don’t feel like he missed out on any bonding time... well go the same route for this kiddo and he’ll go home to sleep.
@megpants209 I had a c/s and ended up being there 5 nights including the first 2 before DS was born. So DH and my mom switched off nights staying with me and going home. So it worked out well cause on the nights before he had to work he could sleep at home. I think we will just play it by ear and see what happens this time
@allthingsgo great idea! we are doing some Star Wars jazz and I am gonna be prego queen amidala... So yay for the prego Halloween costumes!
i still have paranoid anxiety about the car thing. My SO drops our son off at school every day, and he texts me how dropoff went every single day, which gives me comfort that my son is not in the car. My son is more than two years old and I still need this, Oof!
I just went and read a bunch of articles on stillbirth risks, because I like to worry myself. I'd like it to be March, please. Because in March we'll all have our little babes and can stop worrying about stillbirth. We'll worry about other things, of course, but at least we'll be able to physically see and hold our LO's every day. That will be nice.
This might be a OU or an FFTC, but in general, I think the need for *excessive* TWs is a bit irritating. Nobody should feel like they need to censor their pain to make someone else feel better. I also wonder if some of that is behind what drives women who have experienced miscarriage and loss from talking about it? If someone feels comfortable enough in this space to share their baby with the group, stillborn or alive, they should all be acknowledged and celebrated and shouldn’t have to come with a warning. It’s life, man. Terrible, sad things happen all the time and we rarely get warnings, but she’s probably already feeling isolated and sad and needs support. Nobody else is responsible for our sensitivities but us.
and FWIW the October picture is just a picture of that sweet baby’s hand holding his mama.
I don’t think TW’s are ever excessive. They don’t mean you can’t post and they don’t interfere with the contents of your post, but they can warn someone who would be deeply affected that it might be time to stop reading, or at least mentally brace themselves. It requires zero effort and can be pretty effective! If you don’t need TW’s, all you have to do is ignore it and keep on reading.
Obviously losing a baby is one of the most distressing things that can happen, and I wouldn’t think ill of anyone who has to go through that and shared it without thinking of sparing others who are still pregnant (and will most likely have their babies in their arms soon). But it’s possible to feel for someone suffering a loss and also be mindful of people who are easily triggered. Especially with so many people on here being pregnant after loss or infertility themselves. So, if I see something upsetting on another board, I’ll post a warning to people here.
DS born 2/18/2019 DD born 4/1/2023 Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
I'm just taking a moment to ask the universe for some good juju for all our babies' outcomes and deliveries, as this subject has come up... Please and thanks?! Got that, Flying Spaghetti Monster?!?! Ok, good. 👍
I’ve been really shocked IRL to see how cold other women can be about sensitive things like stilbirth.
About a year before DD my boss’s daughter went through it. The subject of photography came up and one of the other girl’s (who was a mother of two at the time) literally said “ew, why would they take pictures with it?” IT, ffs. That still makes me mad.
@madreofdragons Same. A friend went on a long tirade about how her friend was “stuck” on her stillborn baby. She also said “it” and that pregnancy loss is no big deal in general because you haven’t even met or gotten to know the kid yet. WTF. Also, I was in week 5 of my current pregnancy and convinced I was miscarrying at the time because of my bleeding (I actually went straight from my second hcg blood draw to her house). Obviously she didn’t know that, but it made it extra raw and I was totally silent for the rest of the day.
DS born 2/18/2019 DD born 4/1/2023 Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
Why do people ever feel like they can dismiss the legitimacy of the feelings of others, or feel like they can prescribe their own grieving process to other people? Even if you've gone through something similar as someone else, you STILL don't have the right to say how that other person should or should not feel/act/grieve. Your role is to support them, and allow them to have the space to feel what they feel. Good lord, people are terrible.
@madreofdragons wow that makes me feel sick that she would say ‘ew’ and ‘it’. It’s a baby! A baby that was loved and lost.
@grebretso if my friend was ‘stuck’ on losing her baby that would make me want to be there for her even more to help her get through it. Loss affects everyone differently and we all have our own timelines for grieving.
I think there’s balance with trigger warnings. I think an unexpected photo of a stillbirth at 20 weeks should be accompanied by some sort of warning in a public forum but the Oct announcement/photo gave a warning by its very description... so I dunno. For me at least it feels situation-specific. I also do want women to feel comfortable talking about their losses without the need to censor themselves because yeah, when someone is going through a loss it’s not their job to make me feel better about the situation. It’s a tough one and now I’m curious about other people’s feelings on both the sharing of information and need for trigger warnings.
@okayestmom12 I didn't get a plate, too far away. When hubby got home today the same van not even 5 minutes after he pulled up came back. We think they are hardcore looking for a previous neighbor from down the road. But now it has me all paranoud that they were stalking the place with how quick they came after he got here....so good for my already existing anxiety.
As far as "excessive" tw, I think that may be the wrong word for it. I appreciate them since I have unfortunately been in the situation of loss but at the same time I can see how someone may see them annoying. Whether the person has gone through it or not, the idea of a need for a trigger warning may not make sense. Everyone handles it differently and for some just reading hurts but for others they have little to no reaction. I can see how seeing it may irritate or frustrate because maybe in that person mind, it is unnecessary. But my personal opinion is the use of it is a huge help since reading stories almost always cause a reaction for me. And if there are pictures a tw is an absolute must. It is similar to the vieweviewer discrestion advised thing. Some people can handle bloody shots of an er scene while it may negatively effect someone else.
I tend to agree that the trigger warnings can be overused at times, but that one I think needed something. I think reading about it was more upsetting for me than the picture itself. But I also say that as someone who has never lost a baby, so I’m sure those among us who have lost babies via cp, mc or stillbirth had different reactions. I looked at her post history though (in an anxiety induced panic trying to see what went wrong) and it seems like she created the profile to post the picture so it’s possible she wasn’t aware of how TWs are used
@madreofdragons TW a very close friend of my sister went through a horrible stillbirth. Made it 38 weeks when she stopped feeling movement (baby had died, I’ll spare the cause unless someone asks) but her dr made her carry until 40! It was, and still is to some degree, incredibly traumatizing. Her (previous) FRIEND had the audacity to say something along the lines of not understanding why she was so upset about a miscarriage. I cannot even begin to fathom such a heartless response on so many levels.
Re: Weekly randoms (10/22-10/26)
@becks_726 nooo, not you too! Hope we make it through the best we can
@disneybaby84 @BourbonBiscuits overall, I come from a family of extremely nervous/anxious people. I’ve learned how to cope, but when I’m anxious about something it can get really bad. I think I’m super nervous about the results of my glucose test ... that I haven’t even had yet! And yesterday I was browsing another board and **Trigger warning** someone posted a picture of their baby that passed away after they delivered at 20 weeks without a TW. I can’t unsee it. I feel selfish because that mom was looking for support and I should just get over it. Now I’m just overwhelmed with OMG- what if that happens..
taking a deep breath and trying to move forward with my day! Thanks again for all your responses
@hnbergeron - That's crazy! Did you happen to get a plate just in case? I'd be a little twitchy about that too.
MMC 2.12.11 @ 8w
PVM 5.8.12
GWM 3.17.15
RPM 2.21.19
My thoughts that help me are: Slow mindful breaths, and good self talk about it being just fear and trying to watch it pass by in your mind's eye, as if it were floating on a river, then if necessary, more interventions, right? Me, I go to therapy. My SO does that plus anti anxiety meds. No shame in those games for sure.
DD born 4/1/2023
Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
MMC 2.12.11 @ 8w
PVM 5.8.12
GWM 3.17.15
RPM 2.21.19
1 infant loss
8/17: Our daughter was born
8/18: Our daughter kicked open heart surgery ass
2/19: We lost our son to Prader-Willi/Paradoxical Vocal Cord/ Noonans at 6wks old
4/26/2020: EDD for baby #3!!!
We spent 2 nights in the hospital with DS (one of which was the induction) and H stayed with me the whole time. I wish I had sent him home, but we were an hour away from home. He didn't get any rest at all and ended up feeling worse/more tired than I did by the end of it. I'm hoping this time I can send him home to get some sleep, even if DS will be with my mom (who lives closer to the hospital where I'll deliver than we do!)
I was in the hospital for 4 nights because of my c/s. My parents stayed with me during the day, and DH would go to work. He'd go home at the end of the day to spend time with the boys before coming back to the hospital at night. In the morning he went home to get ready for work and my parents got the boys ready and dropped them off at school. Repeat x4. It worked well until the last night when the boys wanted to see me. We kept them away other than the 1st day because my youngest was born during a really bad flu season.
@grebretso and @ohsunnydays I am so sorry you had to see those images! They would be burned in my brain as well. I understand their need to post for support but TWs should have been posted as well.
@sjnsjnsjn I totally relate to the anxiety being worst pp in regards to baby’s safety/health. I was always checking to make sure DD was breathing when she was asleep and every little sound from her made me jump out of bed to her bassinet.
I still worry about all that could happen to her now that she is 2 and so much more active (and able to run away from me so easily!).
Before I had her I used to irrationally worry about being one of those parents who accidentally left her kid in the car. It would freak me out! Anxiety is tough especially as a parent.
For us, we had a dog that needed attention and then, when I had our second, a toddler who needed a little bit of normalcy in her life and that meant having Daddy there in the morning when she woke up.
Honestly, I didn’t *need* DH there. Our hospital promotes “rooming in” which meant baby was with me the whole time and then I could call for a nurse if needed. I also don’t feel like he missed out on any bonding time... well go the same route for this kiddo and he’ll go home to sleep.
MMC 2.12.11 @ 8w
PVM 5.8.12
GWM 3.17.15
RPM 2.21.19
I think I just found my Halloween costume! Now if only I could convince DH to dress up as Michael Cera lol.
we are doing some Star Wars jazz and I am gonna be prego queen amidala... So yay for the prego Halloween costumes!
i still have paranoid anxiety about the car thing. My SO drops our son off at school every day, and he texts me how dropoff went every single day, which gives me comfort that my son is not in the car. My son is more than two years old and I still need this, Oof!
DD born 4/1/2023
Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
I'd like it to be March, please. Because in March we'll all have our little babes and can stop worrying about stillbirth. We'll worry about other things, of course, but at least we'll be able to physically see and hold our LO's every day. That will be nice.
and FWIW the October picture is just a picture of that sweet baby’s hand holding his mama.
Obviously losing a baby is one of the most distressing things that can happen, and I wouldn’t think ill of anyone who has to go through that and shared it without thinking of sparing others who are still pregnant (and will most likely have their babies in their arms soon). But it’s possible to feel for someone suffering a loss and also be mindful of people who are easily triggered. Especially with so many people on here being pregnant after loss or infertility themselves. So, if I see something upsetting on another board, I’ll post a warning to people here.
DD born 4/1/2023
Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
About a year before DD my boss’s daughter went through it. The subject of photography came up and one of the other girl’s (who was a mother of two at the time) literally said “ew, why would they take pictures with it?” IT, ffs. That still makes me mad.
DD born 4/1/2023
Baby #3 EDD 11/21/2024
@grebretso if my friend was ‘stuck’ on losing her baby that would make me want to be there for her even more to help her get through it. Loss affects everyone differently and we all have our own timelines for grieving.
As far as "excessive" tw, I think that may be the wrong word for it. I appreciate them since I have unfortunately been in the situation of loss but at the same time I can see how someone may see them annoying. Whether the person has gone through it or not, the idea of a need for a trigger warning may not make sense. Everyone handles it differently and for some just reading hurts but for others they have little to no reaction. I can see how seeing it may irritate or frustrate because maybe in that person mind, it is unnecessary. But my personal opinion is the use of it is a huge help since reading stories almost always cause a reaction for me. And if there are pictures a tw is an absolute must. It is similar to the vieweviewer discrestion advised thing. Some people can handle bloody shots of an er scene while it may negatively effect someone else.
Just my 2 cents.
I do think that in a Birth Announcement thread that is anticipated as being a happy place, a TW would have been absolutely appreciated.
MMC 2.12.11 @ 8w
PVM 5.8.12
GWM 3.17.15
RPM 2.21.19
On a much lighter note...who is married to one of these?
MMC 2.12.11 @ 8w
PVM 5.8.12
GWM 3.17.15
RPM 2.21.19