or, as I like to call it, that moment when my boss realizes that there's only 3 months left until my leave, and decides that everything that has been sitting around for the last year needs to get finished ASAP before I have the baby. My fave.
Ok, so I had a stressful weekend... Lots of emotions, some crying. Anyway, long story short, some people close to us just told us they were having infertility issues, and so I've been bending over backwards trying to avoid even mentioning I'm pregnant. Which was impossible, because we were around a bunch of family and friends who were so excited for DH and me and wanted to ask all the questions about me and the baby. How should I handle this situation in the future? I'm going to be around this couple a lot over the next couple of months, and I feel like sometimes even my presence is upsetting (like we cant even make eye contact upsetting) I got pregnant on birth control so it's particularly shitty and understandably upsetting for those who have infertility. But I feel like I shouldn't have to pretend I'm not pregnant or talk about how excited I am, but I want to be sensitive as well. I just don't want to be an ass, but I don't want to have to avoid talking about a huge change in my life.
@jemmerjams that’s a hard situation to be in. Give them space if they need it, but dont feel like you need to hide your pregnancy. It took us 6 years and eventually IVF to get pregnant. It’s hard being around pregnant women in that situation, but really your pregnancy doesn’t impact their ability (or lack of) to get pregnant.
@jemmerjams You dont need to avoid talking about it or hide it. I would try to avoid talking about it with them directly all the time, but mentioning it sometimes is generally ok and to be expected. If you are in a group setting and other people in the group bring it up, talk about it but maybe dont gush for hours about it. Its a fine line between trying to be thoughtful of those around you while not diminishing your own joy, and most people with IF get that- doesnt mean we (IF people) cant have a bad day here and there, but we do understand other people get pregnant and it has no bearing on our own (in)fertility
@jemmerjams that is a hard situation to be in, but it’s nice that you’re being thoughtful about it and don’t want to hurt your friend. You obviously can’t pretend like you’re not pregnant or ignore it completely, but I’d say just try to limit how much you talk about it around them as much as you can for now. You’re definitely not going to be the only pregnant person she runs into in everyday life, so unfortunately, she’s going to have to be able to handle it even though it’s hard to have to go through that.
AFM, I’m going to have a lot of time to catch up on all the posts this morning, as I’m currently sitting in the lab for my glucose test. Drank the drink like 15 minutes ago, so I’ve got like another hour 45 and two more blood draws to go.
@jemmerjams +1 to what the others have said, plus I'd genuinely thank them for being so open and vulnerable with you. That can be a hard thing to share.
Thanks guys, that makes me feel a little better and understand how to be sensitive. TBH I don't like being the center of attention so I'm happy to talk about it for 5 minutes and move on lol. And I did thank them for being open, it makes it so much easier for everyone if we are all on the same page and I don't accidentally say something insensitive. What sucks for them is that people keep asking when it's their turn (side note, why do people do that?!?) which is super hard on them. And they may have told some people when they were going to start trying, so now, (super rude and nosy) people are bringing it up because they aren't pregnant (again, who does that???).
@jemmerjams yes why DO people always ask that?! *TW* after having two back to back losses, I will never ask anyone about their plans to have kids or not. You just never know someone’s history, and when that question could trigger unpleasant memories. This one coworker of mine who never knew about my losses kept asking when we were going to try for a second, right around the time that I was going through it all. Obviously she didn’t know, but it still hurt every time she asked, and I just tried to brush it off and say something generic in response.
We start our childbirth classes tomorrow. The email says bring 2 pillows and a blanket. Omg, I'm not prepared for this breathing on the floor stuff....
@jemmerjams I have no clue why people ask others when there going to have a kid. After going through IVF I can tell yu IT IS NOT A FUN QUESTION to be asked. Back off people!!
@jemmerjams, that "when" question is the worst, and so intrusive. I don't get it at all.
The other ladies provided great insight. I don't think you have to ignore your pregnancy or pretend you're not excited. Women going through IF get it and know how exciting pregnancy is. For me, being around pregnant women was hard, obviously, but I never would have begrudged the woman individually for her excitement/happiness, hell I wanted the same thing and would have been (and now am) thrilled to be in her shoes, who am I to be upset that she's happy? It was more that I was sad for myself. That's not on you. As others have said, of course it's helpful to be respectful of her feelings and not go on and on about how wonderful your pregnancy is (or how horrible) for 45 minutes, but any reasonable person wouldn't expect to be around you and hear nothing about it at all.
She's probably going to be sad around you or after she leaves you, it's inevitable, but it's not your fault. If she's having a particularly rough day, I suspect she just won't go somewhere if she knows you'll be there. Don't take it personally, again, it's not you. You're doing enough just by asking the question and showing that you care enough to be considerate of her feelings. That's awesome!
@hannaht8516, ours starts tomorrow too. I also remember something about pillows/blankets but am fuzzy on the details... I better get that straightened out asap. Obviously, I am also not prepared for this, lol.
@jemmerjams ditto to the no clue. Its usually people who never had any problems so they dont even think about the 1/8 people who do have problems. Reason 1,372.273 why I was so happy to be open about our IF- people started asking the right questions, and when it comes to number 2, I am assuming most people will STFU since they know how hard number 1 was
@jemmerjams +1 to all the advice already. And seriously, if they do avoid you a bit don’t take it personally.
As to the “when” question, I would usually give the generic “oh, one of these days” answer, then ask them how their spleen (or other random body part) was doing. It was generally random enough that it derailed the conversation. Because seriously, “when” is none of your business!
@jemmerjams I'll be honest before my MC I asked a friend how things were going and turns out they needed IVF to have their daugher. I was completely oblivious to infertility and loss and just completely ignorant. Now I sure as hell wouldn't say anything, but unfortunately it's a lesson you have to learn. Now why have I learned that lesson at 30 and grandparents and aunts and uncles 50+ still don't know it is beyond me.
BFP 2/11/15 (EDD 10/13/15). MMC 3/30/15 D&C 4/3/15 "We will always love you"
DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16). "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18). "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21). "Round 3 FIGHT!"
@hannaht8516@zwink1@jemmerjams I did my 12 week class and we also had to bring two pillows and a blanket. We took a Bradley class and you use it when practicing relaxation. Pretty much for us it was to support your head and one leg as you were on your side but leaning. Can also use between the knees but you aren't able to relaxed as much in that position. Blanket was just rolled up for extra neck support from what I remember.
Pretty sure I’m going bananas. I think I may go in to be checked out. Had a very small amount of very watery discharge this morning, and I just *feel* leaky, so I’m worried I’m leaking amniotic fluid. Saying/writing that makes me sound like a crazy person, except that I could’ve written exactly that post word for word when I went in and found out I WAS leaking with DD1, and also 12 hours before my water straight up broke with DD2. The huge difference obviously is I was term with both girls (37 and 39 weeks respectively) so I’m crossing everything that this time I’m genuinely just going crazy. Going to call my OB for her opinion. I think it may be that Isaac is just bouncing on my bladder and keeps punching me in the cervix which is why it feels so weird, but the feeling is so familiar and I don’t want to ignore my intuition so I think I’m going to go in.
I think it's a good idea to get checked out for peace of mind, especially considering your history. I'm sure it's just standard discharge, but it'll be good to hear that from your doctor! Good luck, @DunkinDecaf
Thanks guys. Had a little more discharge, but honestly what I’m most worried about is the leaky feeling. It’s very familiar. I’ve never hoped so hard that I peed myself. Going to go in now.
@zwink1@jemmerjams@SweetSweetTooth I am just not ready for this. Mine is a 4-week class. I'd almost like to stay blissfully ignorant, but I also want all the info. Eeeks!
Woohoo!!! I just checked the results from my glucose test yesterday and I passed!! I am always snacking on sweet stuff so was a little worried about this test.
@jemmerjams that is a tough spot to be in. I was on the other end of this for a few years now, my friend and I both started around the same time trying and she ended up pregnant a year before I did which was very frustrating, but never once did I not want them to talk about their pregnancy and was happy for them. I think the worst part was when they would try to hide things since I wanted to be part of the process with them but they felt that it would just hurt me. So maybe you have to have that conversation with them? I just know that with myself I didn’t like that they tried to hide it and didn’t want to talk to me about pregnancy because of the problems we had before conceiving.
Ladybug - April 2013 Dandelion - October 2018 Angel "Aurora" - July 2020 Angel "Sawyer" - May 2021 Angel "Maxine" - January 2022 Angel "Violet" - March 2022 Baby Dove due March 2023
Adulting hard today. Nothing like knowing 3rd tri starts tomorrow (!) to create some incentive.... Now I need a cookie. -Busted out a registry (finally) - thanks to those who posted their lists! Total lifesaver! -Booked a photographer who has a sweet package for maternity, newborn, and first birthday. Turns out this is important to DH. Who knew? -Got a list of providers to get a pump through insurance. Still need to pick one, though
Re: Randoms 7/5
Ah, the cusp of 3rd trimester...
or, as I like to call it, that moment when my boss realizes that there's only 3 months left until my leave, and decides that everything that has been sitting around for the last year needs to get finished ASAP before I have the baby. My fave.
AFM, I’m going to have a lot of time to catch up on all the posts this morning, as I’m currently sitting in the lab for my glucose test. Drank the drink like 15 minutes ago, so I’ve got like another hour 45 and two more blood draws to go.
that?! *TW* after having two back to back losses, I will never ask anyone about their plans to have kids or not. You just never know someone’s history, and when that question could trigger unpleasant memories. This one coworker of mine who never knew about my losses kept asking when we were going to try for a second, right around the time that I was going through it all. Obviously she didn’t know, but it still hurt every time she asked, and I just tried to brush it off and say something generic in response.
The other ladies provided great insight. I don't think you have to ignore your pregnancy or pretend you're not excited. Women going through IF get it and know how exciting pregnancy is. For me, being around pregnant women was hard, obviously, but I never would have begrudged the woman individually for her excitement/happiness, hell I wanted the same thing and would have been (and now am) thrilled to be in her shoes, who am I to be upset that she's happy? It was more that I was sad for myself. That's not on you. As others have said, of course it's helpful to be respectful of her feelings and not go on and on about how wonderful your pregnancy is (or how horrible) for 45 minutes, but any reasonable person wouldn't expect to be around you and hear nothing about it at all.
She's probably going to be sad around you or after she leaves you, it's inevitable, but it's not your fault. If she's having a particularly rough day, I suspect she just won't go somewhere if she knows you'll be there. Don't take it personally, again, it's not you. You're doing enough just by asking the question and showing that you care enough to be considerate of her feelings. That's awesome!
@hannaht8516, ours starts tomorrow too. I also remember something about pillows/blankets but am fuzzy on the details... I better get that straightened out asap. Obviously, I am also not prepared for this, lol.
As to the “when” question, I would usually give the generic “oh, one of these days” answer, then ask them how their spleen (or other random body part) was doing. It was generally random enough that it derailed the conversation. Because seriously, “when” is none of your business!
Edit because I got the wrong day I started. Off to a great start. I also need to bring 2 pillows. Must be a thing lol
DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16). "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18). "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21). "Round 3 FIGHT!"
TTC since 2016
Due: October 12, 2018
Location: Ontario, Canada
DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16). "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18). "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21). "Round 3 FIGHT!"
DD 3/15/12
DD 6/3/14
#4 Due 10/26/18!
@zwink1 @jemmerjams @SweetSweetTooth I am just not ready for this. Mine is a 4-week class. I'd almost like to stay blissfully ignorant, but I also want all the info. Eeeks!
@DunkinDecaf I hope all is well. Fingers crossed.
@jemmerjams that is a tough spot to be in. I was on the other end of this for a few years now, my friend and I both started around the same time trying and she ended up pregnant a year before I did which was very frustrating, but never once did I not want them to talk about their pregnancy and was happy for them. I think the worst part was when they would try to hide things since I wanted to be part of the process with them but they felt that it would just hurt me. So maybe you have to have that conversation with them? I just know that with myself I didn’t like that they tried to hide it and didn’t want to talk to me about pregnancy because of the problems we had before conceiving.
Dandelion - October 2018
Angel "Aurora" - July 2020
Angel "Sawyer" - May 2021
Angel "Maxine" - January 2022
Angel "Violet" - March 2022
Baby Dove due March 2023
The crib (the brand new one my mom decided her grandson needed to have) is here! It's making all of this feel so real.
Adulting hard today. Nothing like knowing 3rd tri starts tomorrow (!) to create some incentive.... Now I need a cookie.
-Busted out a registry (finally) - thanks to those who posted their lists! Total lifesaver!
-Booked a photographer who has a sweet package for maternity, newborn, and first birthday. Turns out this is important to DH. Who knew?
-Got a list of providers to get a pump through insurance. Still need to pick one, though