TTC After a Loss

October WTO

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Re: October WTO

  • @tosh24 hugs to you today. There’s so many different milestones/memories, that it’s so hard not to think about them sometimes and feel down.  I hope you’ll get another BFP soon to help make things seem brighter. 
  • SmashJamSmashJam member
    edited October 2017
    hugs @tosh24. The "finding out you're pregnant" milestone sucks.

    ETA: change "hard" to "sucks" to sound less like a validation statement and more like an agreement of general suckiness lol
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  • @tosh24 that's a tough day too.  Hugs to you.  
  • @Mack2342 Hope this is the month for you! I can easily see both of those dates being so so hard. I'm really really hoping to be pregnant by the anniversary of our first loss. I think that will be really rough otherwise. Although I imagine really hard either way.

    Our first EDD is November.. Mentally preparing for that. January will be a year of ttc, which seems crazy to me. I think that will be really hard. Kind of sad to have those things right there in the midst of all the holidays but I'm going to try really hard not to let it take away from all of the festivities.
  • @Kath525 I found out I was preg last Oct then found out about my MMC in Nov. I found that the holidays were a good distraction for me even tho it will always make me sad too. 
  • @sprkls8506 hopefully this holiday season we'll all have extra reasons to celebrate!

    Side note: Officially CD 1. Hello AF, you mean old jerk. 
  • The distraction MAY cost a little more because I end up buying more decorations!!  :) I also hope we all get something to celebrate about! 

    Also, we are cycle buddies. CD1 here too!
  • @tosh24 - I'm so sorry!  Hugs!

    We filmed -TW - our DD opening a big sister tshirt for an early xmas gift.  She was so happy she started crying.  Shortly after the loss I would find her on occasion watching the video.  We were going to put it on FB once I announced it further along. I'll be a hot mess the last 2 weeks of this year I already know it!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • sprkls8506 I seem to be on the same page with the decoration distractions. With my "fixer upper" (if I can even call it that anymore) being not decorating friendly on the inside I've gone a smidge overboard on the outside for fall. 

    vlagrl29 That would be really hard. I can't imagine how you would explain such a big topic to a little person. It's hard for us adults to comprehend some days. I keep running ideas through my mind on how I'd tell the DH this next time around if we got a BFP. I don't think I could film it for that reason. If something were to happen again I wouldn't want to be able to make myself miserable watching the reveal over and over like I know I would.
  • @ELeighMay I’m sure the outside looks great!!! I can’t wait to decorate for xmas! 
  • vlagrl29vlagrl29 member
    edited October 2017
    @ELeighMay - yeah we decided if I ever got pregnant again we wouldn't tell her until I was 12 weeks.  She was sad.  I had DH tell her as I just couldn't.  He said she took it as well as one could.  She snuggled with me the entire night.  DH told her that God had to take it up back to heaven cause he wasn't finished making it yet and that it will come back down when it's ready.  He compared it to making a pizza and how if all the parts aren't there then it's not ready.  She doesn't mention it anymore thank god.  In the beginning she would say "the baby that died in mommy's belly"  geez that would crush me.

    If I ever see a BFP again I don't think it will be the same.  I will probably not surprise DH with it and just tell him then promptly call my OB for an HCG and Prog test.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • vlagrl29 What a great analogy! I think I would have been at a total loss for words. I actually had that same thought on not telling DH right away, but I know I would. I need his shoulder far too much not to. I was so angry with him this last time. I think I knew right from the moment I got that double line that something just wasn't right. I was super hesitant to tell anyone and I asked him to not tell people until we hit that 12 week mark. He is the WORST secret keeper ever, so that didn't happen. I didn't tell any of my family at all with the exception of my mother, who felt it was her duty to inform every other member on her own. So that was super awkward when my aunt made a comment to me unexpectedly. We also didn't tell any of my DH's family so none of them even knew we were expecting in the first place. For me personally, it's just too hard to go back and tell people about the loss.
  • Kath525Kath525 member
    edited October 2017
    Tw
    @vlagrl29 oh man that's rough. We had a similar experience with my ds. But we never told him that we lost the baby. Every now and then he'll ask about when the baby is coming and i just tell him mommy and daddy are working on it. That pretty ends the conversation. He's 3 1/2 and i think it's the last thing on his mind 99% of the time. I agree that this time i will just tell dh and call OB. Not surprise him with anything like previously. I usually POAS when he s home because i think I'll kinda freak out and be nervous (as well as excited) and I'll want him home.
  • I don’t think I could surprise DH at this point. I would just need to tell him. Fun. Sucked. Out. Last yr I didn’t tell anyone really. Not even family. I told 4 friends and obviously DH. I swear I knew something was wrong too. On our way to our 8 wk appt I remember thinking I need to prepare myself for the worst. Obviously hoping I was wrong but somehow I think I knew. My mom has a hard time keeping things to herself so I just never even told anyone besides the few people. And they found out due to me needing some extra help. They all have been pretty supportive altho only one really has experienced loss so I don’t talk about it much. Those people know we are still waiting for our rainbow.
  • vlagrl29vlagrl29 member
    edited October 2017
    My mom thinks we've stopped but dhs mom knows we still are. My mom thinks I'm too old and my body is trying to tell me that it's not happening plus she says menopause will start soon.  Only a close few friends know we are still trying.

    i was stressed from the beginning when I found out I was pregnant. I was sure I killed it when I got the HSG.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • @vlagrl29 I waited until 12 weeks to tell people and the 12 week us showed the baby died 4 weeks ago. I don't even understand how my body didn't recognize it for 4 weeks!!!! Anyway, my boss and one of my coworkers (since I couldn't be around certain chemicals I had to tell them) plus my mom knew about it and i am really happy I didn't have to explain everything to everyone right away. Now that it has been few months since a loss I told about it to some people, especially if they saw me crying. I think next time I will keep it secret until I start showing. But I will always tell my mom from day one, because she is literally my bf and she helped me so much last time. She stayed up all night to talk with me when I was panicking before dnc. 
    Also I got rid of everything that could possibly remind me about my pregnancy right after I came back home from OB visit. 
  • @vlagrl29 we didn’t tape an announcement or anything, but on that train of thought, we had bought a shirt for DS that said “Promoted to big brother, estimated March 2018” that we were going to put him in to announce to family after first tri. I have it in the bottom of one of my drawers now, and I can’t seem to get myself to get rid of it... :heartbreak:
  • Kath525 That would be a killer to be asked, but thankfully the answer seems to be enough for him. I hope your BFP comes soon so you can tell him it's on the way.

    sprkls8506 "Fun. Sucked. Out." RIGHT? I think that's why I've been thinking about a fun way to tell him, but in all honesty I'm not dumb enough to think that he's not going to have that same terrified reaction I'd have.

    vlagrl29 That totally sucks about your mom. Like you're anywhere near menopause, geez. If I get a BFP I won't tell her until we're at that 12 week mark. I have no idea what is involved in an HSG. My OB does a mandatory beta before she will do any procedure just to be sure.
  • Does anyone ever feel like they have an ok day with all the stress and worry of this then they see a pregnancy announcement on fb and you just want to hide in the bathroom and cry? 
  • @pumpkinpancake i totally get it. I bought pregnancy books that you fill in information about the pregnancy. I still have both of them. I don't think I'll be able to throw them out ever.
  • We recorded video of DS wearing big brother for our first lost.  He was one at the time.  We shared video with family as they aren't all here.  He of course loves the video and wants to watch it all the time.  It kills me every time but I can't get rid of it.  I also can't get rid of the shirt.  I guess I want him to know what we did to try to give him a sibling 
  • I wouldn’t be able to throw anything out either. I still have the pics of the preg test but I didn’t get any books or anything. I was waiting for 12 weeks. Normally I would have done more but again I swear I knew.
  • *TW children mentioned*

    We saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks so we went ahead and told the girls and they were so excited. Telling them about the loss was so hard. It's been 3 months now and our youngest (who is 4) will still occasionally ask why the baby died. Breaks my heart. :( If I get pregnant again, we won't tell them till at least 12 weeks.
    Ivy: July 2010  |  Stella: Dec 2012  |  BFP#3: MMC at 11Wk's, July 2017 | Wyatt: April 2019 | BFP#5: Twin Girls due Sept 2020

  • If it happens for us I don't plan to tell DS either until later in pregnancy 
  • I don't think I'll tell anyone other than my mom until I'm showing and can't even hide it anymore this next time around. The 12 week mark isn't "safe" for us since we lost our baby boy at 16 weeks. And I was showing, but I was able to wear baggy clothing to hide it for the most part. DD is in LOVE with babies so it'll be so hard not to tell her, but I think I will wait to tell her this time around as well. I only just recently deleted my bump pics on my phone because those were very triggering, but I still have our ultrasound pictures up on our fridge. I haven't been able to put those away yet. :(
  • It breaks my heart even more hearing all your stories of telling your LOs. Luckily our son is too young to understand what’s going on, but I feel for all of you who had to break the news to your kids.

    @sprkls8506 not so much to the fb announcements (because luckily I haven’t seen many on there), but I feel like this so much just walking around at work. I think I counted 5 pregnant women that I saw during my lunch hour the other day, and it made me feel so down.  
  • aga31aga31 member
    edited October 2017
    i haven't check my fb since my loss. also i forbid my friends to tell me :guess who got ku, without a previous long intro and preparation. 
    @fishee333 totally agree with holding up the good news until much later. we decided with dh that for most people we will wait until i'm showing and they will just know and for our families we will get the cell free dna testing results first, so it should be around 13-14 weeks. excluding my mom of course, who will receive a picture of bfp in her email :)
  • @sprkls8506 - yes I've been there.  The night we got back from vacation in July I turned on FB and a friend announced at like 8 weeks I think.  This was the most upsetting to me because her DD is the same age as mine and that was the age gap I wanted.  I went to the bathroom and threw whatever was in my hand.  whew - I'm happy to say that was the last time I actually got upset over a FB announcement.

    @ELeighMay - HSG is where they shoot dye up in your uterus to make sure your tubes are clear and take xrays.  I took a pee test that day at home to make sure I was not even though I had my AF - it was negative.  A week later I was pregnant because of my late implantation issue I have.  I blamed myself awhile for that, thinking the dye must have killed it.  I don't blame myself anymore but because of that - that's why I've been delaying taking fertility meds.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • someone mentioned to me today if I had ever had a laparoscopy performed.  What the heck would that do?
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • maybe it's about hysterescopy which is a laporoscope really ? they use those to visualize (with actual camera) and remove adhesions, polyps etc 
  • @leahcimmichael The HSG I had was painless and no problem. The talked it up like it could be very rough and painful, and encouraged some painkillers beforehand, but I had no issues.

    MC #1: D&C Oct 23, 2015 (7.5 weeks)
    MC #2: July 1, 2016 (5.5 weeks)
    MC #3: October 17, 2016 (CP)
    RE #1: RPL testing November 2016-January 2017
    MC #4: Feb. 28, 2017 (CP)
    RE #2: Additional RPL testing March-November 2017
    MC #5: January 2019 (6.5 weeks)

    RE #3: More testing 2023. 
    Egg Retrieval Sept/Oct 2023, 2 good embryos after PGT-A testing.
    Surgery for endometriosis January 2024
    Lupron Depo March 2024.  Benched 3 months.  Hopefully FET after that.

    #BitterHagPartyOf1

  • vlagrl29 I can totally understand why you'd be gun-shy.

    I came across my us picture last night forgetting where I'd put it during all the chaos. I still have my HPT, and for whatever reason I can't get rid of that either. I'm not sure why on that one, it's not like I'd ever forget her. I also had an email from my the daycare that I was on a wait-list for confirming that I was still wanting to hold our spot, AND a message from a photographer that I'd been working on setting up a maternity shoot with for late this winter. Why do those things that you forgot about have to come out of the woodwork all at the same time? I seriously thought that I already contacted these people to let them know, but apparently not. There should be an automated message you can send on your behalf so you can ignore it.
  • @ELeighMay I still keep my US picture in my wallet. And I have both my HPTs. They were on my bathroom counter until about a week ago. Then I wrote my BFP dates on them and put them in one of my memento boxes. 
    Sometimes those things make me sad. But mostly they make me smile. Those BFP days were some of the happiest days of my life and I want to remember them and the way I felt, even if I didn’t get my happy ending yet. 
  • leahcimmichael I guess that's true. I can remember every single detail about that day as if it were literally yesterday. I guess I'm just scared it'll never happen again.
  • I threw out my HPTs, deleted the pregnancy app, erased our first pg photo chalkboard - it still had the weeks written on it - I don't have anything which is fine.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Had IUI this morning.   Hopefully I have temp increase tomorrow morning so I know I Od today.  We will BD tonight for good measure! 
  • Good luck @Mack2342!!!!!
    Me: 35 I DH: 38
    *TW loss and children mentioned*
    DD:2006 | Dx: Unexplained Secondary Infertility | DS: 2011

    TFAS since 2012

    Oct 16: Spontaneous BFP | m/c @ 9w1d (massive SCH) | D&C
    Apr 17: IUI #1 = BFN
    May 17: IUI #2 = BFN
    Jun 17: IUI #3 = Late BFP (18 DPO) | NMC 17Jul17 @ ~6w
    Aug 17: IUI #4 = Cancelled due to premature ovulation | TI = BFN
    Sep 17: IUI #5 = Cancelled due to overstimulation (10+ follies)
    Nov 17: IVF #1 = Cancelled due to non-IF related health issue | TI = BFN
    Dec 17: IVF #1 = Puregon 200, Menopur 75, Orgalutran, Suprefact trigger due to OHSS risk | 22R, 18M, 16F, 10B frozen  
    Feb 18: FET #1 (medicated) = BFN
    Mar 18: FET #2 (natural cycle) = CP (beta 1: 54; beta 2: 0)
    Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = cancelled due to missed ovulation
    Apr 18: FET #3 (natural cycle) = BFP! Beta 1: 201  Beta 2: 585 Beta 3: 3254 Beta 4: 9715 U/S 19May - one bean measuring on track with a HB of 125!
    EDD: 07Jan2019 Team Green
    My Rainbow Baby Boy born 03Jan2019 <3 

  • @Mack2342 Ohhhh, GOOD LUCK!
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