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7:46AM
Re: PPD/Baby Blues
I'm guessing you haven't had your PP check up yet? It might be good to talk to your OB or seek out a therapist sooner? Breastfeeding caused a lot of depression for me and I sought out my local LLL group, went to a meeting, and it helped me a lot! My hospital also has mommy and me group meetings (I haven't gone to them yet but will) and there's tons of new moms, so maybe you should check if your hospital has them too? Might be good to have support of other new moms.
I felt this exact same way with my first. My husband actually tried to be understanding but he was in the middle of a career change and working from across the country for like half of the first 3 months of our son's life so I was pretty isolated. I think at some point my girlfriends noticed and tried to be more intentional about reaching out and that helped somewhat- do you have any friends you can make plans with or even just do a regular phone check in? But even with getting treatment for PPA/ OCD, I truly feel like my son was 10 months old before I really started to look forward to being around him, rather than just counting down the hours until bedtime so I could have a few hours of "normal" life. I just missed having uninterrupted time to watch movies with my husband, go running whenever I wanted, read a book in fewer than 6 months, etc. And now he's 2.5 and he's such a part of what is now my normal life, but when this baby was born I went through another- much shorter- phase of regretting having her, feeling like "we had such a good thing going on, why did I mess it up by having this baby?" She's 7 weeks and I still feel it occasionally, and I imagine I will once again take quite a while to adjust fully to 2 kids and come to enjoy her as a person. I try to give myself grace in this area and not dwell on whether this makes me a bad mom or damages them in some way.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
I had another rough day but am feeling better after some talks with DH and a decision to stop breastfeeding again (just pump). Thanks to all who offered support and advice, it is so appreciated.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
DS: Born 5-17-16
Mama to Three Girls:
Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor
and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!
I feel a bit weird posting in here after the thread being dead for almost a month - reading what y'all are saying helps because I know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm just late to the baby blues, but I need to vent to ladies who will understand. I did have a bought of stress when I had BF issues week one, but we got through it and I bounced back. Fast forward to going back to work - I've hated being back to work but not for the same reasons as everyone else. I've not experienced that separation stress/sadness from being back at work or leaving her at daycare. I would say 90% of my stress is linked to BF. I still HATE it. It hurts, she's violent and beats and pinches me, she doesn't always latch right away, and sometimes she still cries after even if I know she's full. Then trying to find time to pump at work - I can't relax to pump during conference calls and if I get swept up in troubleshooting something and didn't set an alarm all of a sudden it's 3.5 hours later, I'm engorged and can't pump to save my life.
So I had a bit of a perfect storm when I came back to work - she started sleeping through the night and dropping night feedings, stress level went up at work, i got my period, food intake and water went down a little bit due to pumping during lunch and breaks, and I started training for a 1/2 marathon - so my supply dropped. At the same time she increased how much per a bottle she took in. So then I started pumping like a mad woman, eating oatmeal and fenugreek like it was going out of style - vicious endless cycle of stress...pump...stress more...pump less.I also work from home 2x a week and I hate it - I feel like I'm failing as a mom and an employee because I can't do both - especially when she's still nursing for 40 min every 2 hours and not napping much.
With the cold she's stopped sleeping through the night, and now the dog is sick too so this week I've woken up to the dog puking at 4 am (once IN the bed....in my hair) multiple times, then baby waking up at 5 am for an extra feeding. Now I have her cold - I've been woken up between 3 and 5 every morning and then held her half drowsing until 7 every morning. So yesterday I got to the point where i just kept saying "i hate this" (mostly about BF). I don't hate her, i love her, but I definitely have moments that I wish we didn't have her and I don't want to be a mom. This morning I had the added pleasure of cleaning up a pile of dog puke and two piles of dog diarrhea after DH took her off to daycare. Now I'm working from home sick but still can't concentrate much on work since work life is just as FUBAR.
I know it'll get easier when she's a little older and can communicate a little bit better and isn't all about mommy, and I never expected this to be "fun", but I also never expected to have this much stress. I felt like super zen mom when I was home FT, but adding working full time back into the mix and I'm a wreck. In the middle of everything else we *might* be moving across the country but still have no idea what's going on. I'm going to take the weekend to see if it's just the cold making everything worse, but will probably call the EAP line at work for a therapist to talk things through with (though honestly at the moment that stresses me out thinking of one more thing to juggle). Sorry for the long post, getting it off my chest helps a bit.
I'm soooooo happy the LC I hired this time told me off the bat and had a really hard but honest chat with me about my limitations. I honestly thought it was me not trying enough or not sticking it out long enough and it made me really upset last time. And I wasn't supplementing at all this time and it was noticeable in wet/dirty diaper counts and rapid weight loss within the first week.