Doing a lot better than I was last week, thanks! Believe it or not, with DH back to work (although I get kinda bored during the day) LO and I have gotten into a bit of a schedule and he is starting to smile and coo more which is nice. I definitely still have my moments where I feel crappy, but at least I stopped crying my eyes out lol. I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday- so I am looking forward to sitting down with him and bullshitting for a bit
Look at that bitch, smiling while she's pumping like she doesn't feel like a cow. whys her house so clean? Where's her screaming baby? Where are her tears? WHY IS SHE WEARING DRESS PANTS AND A CARDIGAN?!
Omg you made me spit out my coffee dying from real Lol's. This so much . You're awesome
I feel like sometimes I see a fraction of a smile, but not to the level of the baby smiles thread. It's really getting me down, especially after a lack of sleep and pretty much hating breastfeeding. I just wish she'd show me one smile to make me feel like I'm doing good. When I went to the doctor's for my 6 week appointment on Friday, the nurse asked if I was breast or formula feeding before taking my blood pressure. I think the tone when I said breast was pretty sad sounding. I then looked across the hall at all the baby announcement cards and nearly started to cry. It gave me so many mixed emotions. I was so happy that I too had one of those cuties on the wall, but it made me realize what a dark cloud breastfeeding has put over the experience. I made a joke to my husband that I wish I could bottle up whatever hormones are emotions you have for those few days after birth where you love everything as a pill. When I saw the photos, I got that happy love everyone feeling again, but then breastfeeding brings me back down. I find I spend my time these days searching for articles to tell me it's okay to formula feed. That I'm not selfish for quitting breastfeeding. I feel like I'm not allowed since I have a supply that's satisfying her, and that if I did, I'd be selfish. So I keep going one more day, then another. I feel like I'm in a terrible relationship that is dragging everything down, but I don't have the balls to pull the trigger. I should be thankful I can breastfeed, right? I'm also worried that if I stop, would I regret and want to start back again and be faced with even more hardships. Most of all, I'm wishing away my maternity leave and spending these early days with her because I'm giving myself a 3 month goal. It's all I can think about is being done.
@missnc77 I think enjoying your ML with your LO is most important... I felt the same way a about wishing mine away because I thought maybe at 3 months his sleep would be better. It is totally your decision what you decide to do, but your sanity is most important. My mom BF me 6 weeks then stopped because she had to take care of herself in a similiae way. You ARE NOT a bad mom to stop-- you are the best because you want to bond with your child
@missnc77 I'm sorry you're struggling. why don't you take a break and EP for a few days to see how you feel? See if you miss BFing or regret the switch without impacting your supply. If you don't miss it or feel regret and pumping is just as miserable, it might make the decision to switch to formula easier? It's really ok to stop BFing especially if it's making you depressed, your happiness is as valuable to your daughter as your breast milk if not more. Sending you creepy internet hugs. I bet you get a good smile soon.
@missnc77 My baby's almost 6 weeks and no big smiles in sight so far- she smirks at me sometimes, but that's about it. This is embarrassing to admit but I legitimately googled "when will I love my baby" in a fit of hormones a few weeks ago. I feel like I'm starting to turn the corner though as she becomes more interactive, and with my son the smiles really went a long way when they did arrive. Hoping you'll get there soon.
I feel like sometimes I see a fraction of a smile, but not to the level of the baby smiles thread. It's really getting me down, especially after a lack of sleep and pretty much hating breastfeeding. I just wish she'd show me one smile to make me feel like I'm doing good. When I went to the doctor's for my 6 week appointment on Friday, the nurse asked if I was breast or formula feeding before taking my blood pressure. I think the tone when I said breast was pretty sad sounding.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Being unhappy with breastfeeding, on top of feeling guilty for being so unhappy. You need to take care of you; a happy mommy is more important to your LO than what form her food is in!
Have you considered supplementing so you can at least get a break from BF? Being able to hand off a few feedings a day or just grab a bottle might help you feel a little less of a prisoner.
I really wanted to EBF, and I tried really hard for the first week, but my LO had serious latch issues and I have crazy fragile skin. I was bleeding within the first 12 hours and it only got worse. After a week of serious agony, I caved in and made a bottle. Best decision ever. I could not believe what a relief it was to get a break, what a weight off. At first she was only taking a bottle or two a day of formula while I pumped and tried to nurse. Now after a month, it's the opposite. I pump a couple of bottles a day and the rest is formula.
I admit I'm a little sad that BF didn't work out, but I gave it a good try. Maybe I could have eventually figured out a way to keep going, but the whole experience was so miserable. I just couldn't handle the idea of "toughing it out" for weeks or months more on the mere hope that it might get better.
I was in a lot of physical pain, but mental and emotional pain like you're feeling is just as valid! If you do decide to supplement or switch to formula completely, don't see it as failing or giving up. Breastmilk isn't magic and formula isn't poison. She'll be happy and healthy either way. You need to make the decision that is right for you and your family.
@vinerie and @Bellodomani, glad to hear I'm not alone. The talking is forced and I have do the "baby talk" (high pitched weird noises) but it is very forced and I feel uncomfortable doing it. I guess part of my problem with newborns is I don't know how to play with them. With Pre-K and up, I know how to play and talk to them. Even with my one year old niece, I can sit and interact with her.
what about just reading outloud the paper or book you are reading? Even in a normal voice it will still do the job! Might feel more natural for you?
***QBF***
Yes, we read a lot, which does not feel forced, so that is good! I also sing, so I guess you just have to find what is comfortable...I also echo the sounds he makes, which makes me think once he becomes more verbal, it will feel more natural to talk to him...
@vinerie Echoing back/ responding to the baby's vocalizations is actually the best thing you can do to encourage verbal development because it helps him see that he can produce an outcome (you smiling or talking of making a noise) by something that he does, which is really motivating to children. I'm a child development specialist so I've had to read a ton of research about verbal development in my career, and I decided to basically use my first kid as a guinea pig to test out the research I've read and it was totally a success, kid is insanely verbal. He said his first words at 9 months, sentences by 1 year, over 100 different words by 16 months, and now he's 2.5 and can explain all these complex thoughts and ideas. Obviously a sample size of one doesn't really say much, but I plan on doing it with this baby as well just for kicks. In the early days when talking to your baby makes you feel kind of self-conscious or like a crazy person, it helped for me to frame it as a science experiment
@missnc77 I'm sorry you're struggling. why don't you take a break and EP for a few days to see how you feel? See if you miss BFing or regret the switch without impacting your supply. If you don't miss it or feel regret and pumping is just as miserable, it might make the decision to switch to formula easier? It's really ok to stop BFing especially if it's making you depressed, your happiness is as valuable to your daughter as your breast milk if not more. Sending you creepy internet hugs. I bet you get a good smile soon.
Eta typos
I wonder how many of you have supply but use supplement instead to take some rest from BF?
i tried to do so but my Newborn stay awake quite often already. So I don't really have time to do the EP when I feel my breast is full but the baby is not asleep.
After getting some better rest and thinking about things, I don't want to quit breastfeeding. I enjoy that time with her, but where I lose it is the no back-up. I have a small stash, but I quit pumping an entire breast because I was so engorged at night, then I got what I think is mastitis. Now, I pump after she eats in the morning and get an ounce. And the entire time I'm trying to hold a pacifier in her mouth to keep her calm which makes something that already sucks even worse. The other day, I tried pumping a bottle before going to an appointment for my husband, and I could only get close to 3 ounces meaning my husband had to defrost an ounce to make sure she had enough. I'm afraid to use my stash now because I can't replace it 1:1. 95% of the time, I don't mind breastfeeding at all. It's that other 5% where you just want to get a break and don't want to be the one solely responsible that gets to me. I think it's time to quit the googling and go with my gut.
I'm going to go ahead and buy some formula to keep around for those moments. I hate pumping, but at least when I can't take being on call and need a break, my husband can give the formula. I can then pump before or later to keep my supply up and add to my stash or use it with a little bit of formula. That way I'm not depleting what I need when I go back to work, I can even add to it a little, and I can get a break maybe once a week. I figure at this rate, I'll get burned out and give up something I don't mind because of those moments where I can't take anymore OR I can give formula from time to time and extend my breastfeeding relationship. I have to remind myself that I'm a formula fed baby, and I like to think I turned out okay. I have a professional masters degree, and I'm healthy. I highly doubt giving her formula occasionally for my mental sanity is going to outweigh the benefits of what I'm doing on the breastfeeding side. I just want to make sure I don't ruin my supply.
After getting some better rest and thinking about things, I don't want to quit breastfeeding. I enjoy that time with her, but where I lose it is the no back-up. I have a small stash, but I quit pumping an entire breast because I was so engorged at night, then I got what I think is mastitis. Now, I pump after she eats in the morning and get an ounce. And the entire time I'm trying to hold a pacifier in her mouth to keep her calm which makes something that already sucks even worse. The other day, I tried pumping a bottle before going to an appointment for my husband, and I could only get close to 3 ounces meaning my husband had to defrost an ounce to make sure she had enough. I'm afraid to use my stash now because I can't replace it 1:1. 95% of the time, I don't mind breastfeeding at all. It's that other 5% where you just want to get a break and don't want to be the one solely responsible that gets to me. I think it's time to quit the googling and go with my gut.
I'm going to go ahead and buy some formula to keep around for those moments. I hate pumping, but at least when I can't take being on call and need a break, my husband can give the formula. I can then pump before or later to keep my supply up and add to my stash or use it with a little bit of formula. That way I'm not depleting what I need when I go back to work, I can even add to it a little, and I can get a break maybe once a week. I figure at this rate, I'll get burned out and give up something I don't mind because of those moments where I can't take anymore OR I can give formula from time to time and extend my breastfeeding relationship. I have to remind myself that I'm a formula fed baby, and I like to think I turned out okay. I have a professional masters degree, and I'm healthy. I highly doubt giving her formula occasionally for my mental sanity is going to outweigh the benefits of what I'm doing on the breastfeeding side. I just want to make sure I don't ruin my supply.
I am so with you sister!! I love BFing my baby but once in awhile I need a break! I get your anxiety and I think you've hit a great sweet spot with feeding formula on those times you need a break and feeding from the boob he rest of the time. as long as baby is "putting in orders" you'll keep making enough for your little person
@missnc77 I've had to give my baby formula as a supplement when I don't have any pumped breastmilk available. Do what you've gotta do to keep your sanity. Your baby is still getting the best from breastmilk
I'm a wreak today and last night as well. A 6 week maternity leave is just heartbreaking and cruel. I'm in my office pumping and crying and thinking about how unfair it all is. I past week was a hard one with DS barely napping and I was a bit overwhelmed. Now I would give anything to be back at home, and the thought of a whole summer like this is somewhat depressing.
Hormones are so confusing! After LO was born I was thinking how much I missed work and having that somewhat quiet time away, but now, nope, I don't miss it. At least I'm sure I wont this week. LO is home with DH and I will only be working full days today and tomorrow, all the other days are half days, so it isn't that bad, but man, it sure feels like it today.
@jenl1681 Hugs! It's so hard to be away from our babies. DD1 is 3 and I still am sad when I'm not with her but always feel like I need a break when we're both home.
@JessicaB0627 yes I keep reminding myself of that! It helps that DH is texting me because the big kids are complaining he won't let them go to the neighbors and swim in their pool. They are crazy lol
@jenl1681 That is shitty, I'm sorry. No one should ever have to go back to work at 6 weeks- even if you weren't missing your baby terribly, you still shouldn't have to back to work because nothing feels good when you're 6 weeks pp. You're tired, your body hurts, your hormones are crazy. I hope this week gets better for you!
@Bellodomani you are so right! Grayson is not predictable at all sleep wise, and during ML I wasn't worried about getting to bed early because it didn't matter. Last night was the worst, I got about 4.5 hours of broken sleep. I am super grateful that my employees lets me bring LO with me in the mornings since DH works til midnight and there is no way I can leave him at 7am with an infant. It's a small company so there is no FMLA-I took a week before delivery and then 7 weeks (since 6 would have been the last week of school for the big kids) still it's stressful and sad. I'm hoping it will feel less sad next week. I had LO with me until 11 and was home at 5 but he was crying when I got home and we have been snuggling ever since. And then I cried because I was just so happy to see him
I've come down with a fever and red boob again, even though I've been on antibiotics for mastitis since last week. And I've been trying to wean LO from the nipple shield with no luck. And my boobs are so painful, I'm crying at the thought of feeding her. I really didn't think I'd be spending my maternity leave like this, dreading the prospect of feeding my baby every day.
I've come down with a fever and red boob again, even though I've been on antibiotics for mastitis since last week. And I've been trying to wean LO from the nipple shield with no luck. And my boobs are so painful, I'm crying at the thought of feeding her. I really didn't think I'd be spending my maternity leave like this, dreading the prospect of feeding my baby every day.
You're not alone in that feeling. I thanked my lucky stars and felt a weight lift off me every day when breast feeding was over for the day. I know that won't make you feel better, but it should make you feel less alone.
I've come down with a fever and red boob again, even though I've been on antibiotics for mastitis since last week. And I've been trying to wean LO from the nipple shield with no luck. And my boobs are so painful, I'm crying at the thought of feeding her. I really didn't think I'd be spending my maternity leave like this, dreading the prospect of feeding my baby every day.
I'm so sorry! Have you tried Lecithin? I was having pretty chronic mastitis and clogged ducts for a few weeks but haven't had an issue since I started taking sunflower lecithin daily. Just a thought!
I've come down with a fever and red boob again, even though I've been on antibiotics for mastitis since last week. And I've been trying to wean LO from the nipple shield with no luck. And my boobs are so painful, I'm crying at the thought of feeding her. I really didn't think I'd be spending my maternity leave like this, dreading the prospect of feeding my baby every day.
I know your exact feelings. And I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Although I can't give advice for nipple shield weaning. I will say I tried block feeding and it worked very well for me. I dealt with a few days of really painful boobs from it but it worked out. Hand expressing was painful but helped. I also used cabbage leaves compresses in my bra to deal with the pain after feedings. Just note, with a lot of use, it can dry up your supply. I used it for 2 days.
But in the end, my body is starting to regulate, and I've had a few really good EBFing days. It'll get better and you know you have our support!
I've come down with a fever and red boob again, even though I've been on antibiotics for mastitis since last week. And I've been trying to wean LO from the nipple shield with no luck. And my boobs are so painful, I'm crying at the thought of feeding her. I really didn't think I'd be spending my maternity leave like this, dreading the prospect of feeding my baby every day.
No great advice that hasn't already been mentioned, but I just wanted to show some support. On top of the fever I had a couple of weeks ago, that awful milk blister made it feel like someone was stabbing my nipple with an ice pick every time I fed. I had to perfect the art of screaming without actually making a sound when she latched. It did get better though!
Thanks for the support everyone. I'm feeling better today after the LC I'm working with urged me to just pump and bottle feed for awhile. I dislike pumping, but I was already doing it 3-4x/day so a few more times won't hurt. I confessed to my husband yesterday that I wasn't enjoying the baby. Ar least now I can have some stress-free feedings and maybe enjoy her a bit more.
I hated breastfeeding and also struggled weaning from the nipple shield. LO is 14 weeks old (he was 8 weeks early) and has been home for two months now and I still haven't been able to ditch the nipple shield. I have pretty much now given up on ditching it and that decision brought me relief. Here is what I currently do:
At home I use the nipple shield for when I feed him. DH feeds him a bottle or two at night after I've gone to bed. I pump twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. If I leave the house, I bring an appropriate amount of bottles with me.
I hated the idea of breastfeeding in public and the nipple shield made it impossible. However, because I pump twice a day, I can just use expressed milk when I go out. I find it very very convenient as I can even just plunk a bottle in his mouth for 1-2 min if he's fussing and I'm standing in line somewhere.
I do attempt one feeding a day where we ditch the shield because I want him to retain the ability to eat from a bare breast in case we are ever stranded somewhere with no more bottles. I figure as he gets older, he will have better and better suction as well. Once I realized that I was fine with my current arrangement, I felt so much better.
@seasalt123 that sounds like a good system for you and your DS! It's good to get to the point where you are happy with your arrangement, even if it's not what you envisioned initially. Part of my problem is that I'm always comparing myself to others, especially my SIL, who has successfully bf'ed 3 LOs with no major problems. But I know comparing myself to her isn't doing me any favors!
It's been a rough morning, and I need to whine somewhere.
Today is our 2 year anniversary. My husband has been out of town for work the last two nights, got home last night around 1am, and he told me this morning they pulled him in to fly at 6pm tonight. This means another cry-fest witching hour tonight with no help and balancing dinner with baby. She was so hard to put down last night, and of course after a 3am feeding, quick pump for relief in the other boob, then falling back asleep, she's back up at 5:15am wide awake. She keeps busting out of her swaddles, and I've tried every zip swaddle on the planet including love to dream and woombie, but she prefers the velcro ones. And forget not swaddling, because then she'll never sleep. Why can't I have a baby that likes woombies and pacifiers?! I feel like every since she went through the 6 week growth spurt and wonder week, she doesn't sleep as well, and is just overall much fussier. I just wish we (me and baby) could hang out together and for her not to cry. I just wish she liked to cuddle with me, but I feel like the only reason she wants to be close is if I am feeding her or rocking her to sleep. And I just wish my husband would be home at night. And I just wish we could do something fun for our anniversary, but instead, we're spending it apart. Today sucks as a mom and a wife.
Jet is at week 5 and has started acting similar to what you've described. She is constantly grumbling and moving around in her sleep (until she wakes herself up) and is generally grumpier.
and im not sure if you're ready to hear it (because sometimes venting is all we have to give in these crappy moments), but remember that feeding your baby means so much more than food to them. It's nurturing, it's safety, it's attachment. You are not just a food source in those moments--that helps me sometimes.
@missnc77 first, happy anniversary! Second, I'm sorry your LO is going through this,and I'm hoping it passes soon so you can get some well deserved relief!
Hugs to you @missnc77. I'm so sorry you're spending your anniversary like this. No advice to give but I'm glad you're able to vent somewhere. I hope this growth spurt passes soon for you!
Yes to BFing being more than food- the way I think of it is in my babies lovey right now. Happy anniversary! also to ALL the moms who have posted on here I wanna say we're all still alive and so are our babies and that is awesome and we are rock stars!!
@missnc77 I have nothing to add other than to just say I'm sorry, and I'm thinking of you. Having a baby can be so hard and isolating. I hope your LO gives you a break tonight.
I can commiserate @missnc77! Not my anniversary (happy anniversary!) but DH's work schedule keeps him late at least half the time and he's simultaneously in grad school which requires two days away and an overnight on campus once every other weekend. LO has been going through a terrible fussy period for the past week plus; so cranky, fussy, nursing constantly, won't sleep and I feel like I've been dealing with it mostly alone and it's really hard. Hugs to you and hope our LOs move out of these phases soon and start sleeping well!
@missnc77 just keep hope that this won't last forever and they're going to grow out of this! I can't wait for the day that my LO is more interactive and lots of baby smiles and giggles. It'll come
@missnc77 it's so hard because people tell you it won't be like this forever, but when you're stuck in "it" - sleep deprived, recovering, and hormonal, it seems like you're in forever. It does get better. It gets so good you'll do it again. Every shitty bit. Hugs!
Re: PPD/Baby Blues
Eta typos
Have you considered supplementing so you can at least get a break from BF? Being able to hand off a few feedings a day or just grab a bottle might help you feel a little less of a prisoner.
I really wanted to EBF, and I tried really hard for the first week, but my LO had serious latch issues and I have crazy fragile skin. I was bleeding within the first 12 hours and it only got worse. After a week of serious agony, I caved in and made a bottle. Best decision ever. I could not believe what a relief it was to get a break, what a weight off. At first she was only taking a bottle or two a day of formula while I pumped and tried to nurse. Now after a month, it's the opposite. I pump a couple of bottles a day and the rest is formula.
I admit I'm a little sad that BF didn't work out, but I gave it a good try. Maybe I could have eventually figured out a way to keep going, but the whole experience was so miserable. I just couldn't handle the idea of "toughing it out" for weeks or months more on the mere hope that it might get better.
I was in a lot of physical pain, but mental and emotional pain like you're feeling is just as valid! If you do decide to supplement or switch to formula completely, don't see it as failing or giving up. Breastmilk isn't magic and formula isn't poison. She'll be happy and healthy either way. You need to make the decision that is right for you and your family.
DS: Born 5-17-16
i tried to do so but my Newborn stay awake quite often already. So I don't really have time to do the EP when I feel my breast is full but the baby is not asleep.
thanks!
I'm going to go ahead and buy some formula to keep around for those moments. I hate pumping, but at least when I can't take being on call and need a break, my husband can give the formula. I can then pump before or later to keep my supply up and add to my stash or use it with a little bit of formula. That way I'm not depleting what I need when I go back to work, I can even add to it a little, and I can get a break maybe once a week. I figure at this rate, I'll get burned out and give up something I don't mind because of those moments where I can't take anymore OR I can give formula from time to time and extend my breastfeeding relationship. I have to remind myself that I'm a formula fed baby, and I like to think I turned out okay. I have a professional masters degree, and I'm healthy. I highly doubt giving her formula occasionally for my mental sanity is going to outweigh the benefits of what I'm doing on the breastfeeding side. I just want to make sure I don't ruin my supply.
But in the end, my body is starting to regulate, and I've had a few really good EBFing days. It'll get better and you know you have our support!
I hated breastfeeding and also struggled weaning from the nipple shield. LO is 14 weeks old (he was 8 weeks early) and has been home for two months now and I still haven't been able to ditch the nipple shield. I have pretty much now given up on ditching it and that decision brought me relief. Here is what I currently do:
At home I use the nipple shield for when I feed him. DH feeds him a bottle or two at night after I've gone to bed. I pump twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. If I leave the house, I bring an appropriate amount of bottles with me.
I hated the idea of breastfeeding in public and the nipple shield made it impossible. However, because I pump twice a day, I can just use expressed milk when I go out. I find it very very convenient as I can even just plunk a bottle in his mouth for 1-2 min if he's fussing and I'm standing in line somewhere.
I do attempt one feeding a day where we ditch the shield because I want him to retain the ability to eat from a bare breast in case we are ever stranded somewhere with no more bottles. I figure as he gets older, he will have better and better suction as well. Once I realized that I was fine with my current arrangement, I felt so much better.
Today is our 2 year anniversary. My husband has been out of town for work the last two nights, got home last night around 1am, and he told me this morning they pulled him in to fly at 6pm tonight. This means another cry-fest witching hour tonight with no help and balancing dinner with baby. She was so hard to put down last night, and of course after a 3am feeding, quick pump for relief in the other boob, then falling back asleep, she's back up at 5:15am wide awake. She keeps busting out of her swaddles, and I've tried every zip swaddle on the planet including love to dream and woombie, but she prefers the velcro ones. And forget not swaddling, because then she'll never sleep. Why can't I have a baby that likes woombies and pacifiers?! I feel like every since she went through the 6 week growth spurt and wonder week, she doesn't sleep as well, and is just overall much fussier. I just wish we (me and baby) could hang out together and for her not to cry. I just wish she liked to cuddle with me, but I feel like the only reason she wants to be close is if I am feeding her or rocking her to sleep. And I just wish my husband would be home at night. And I just wish we could do something fun for our anniversary, but instead, we're spending it apart. Today sucks as a mom and a wife.
Jet is at week 5 and has started acting similar to what you've described. She is constantly grumbling and moving around in her sleep (until she wakes herself up) and is generally grumpier.
and im not sure if you're ready to hear it (because sometimes venting is all we have to give in these crappy moments), but remember that feeding your baby means so much more than food to them. It's nurturing, it's safety, it's attachment. You are not just a food source in those moments--that helps me sometimes.
Happy anniversary!
also to ALL the moms who have posted on here I wanna say we're all still alive and so are our babies and that is awesome and we are rock stars!!
deprived, recovering, and hormonal, it seems like you're in forever. It does get better. It gets so good you'll do it again. Every shitty bit. Hugs!