Every time I start to feel better, I break down all over again. I'm to the point where I regret having this baby. These last five weeks have been hell and I can't say I'm enjoying motherhood at all. And I have no one to go to for support; normally I'd go to my husband but all we've been doing lately is fighting. I just want my old life back.
@PYLWhammy I'm so sorry. I will say, it took me a full 6 weeks to really enjoy being a mom. I felt like a food dispenser and butt wiper to someone who yelled at me all the time. My issues with breastfeeding didn't help either. DH and I were at each other's throat and kept thinking the other person had an attitude. It was rough. Then suddenly at 6 weeks, things started getting better. I'm hoping that is the case for you also!
I'm guessing you haven't had your PP check up yet? It might be good to talk to your OB or seek out a therapist sooner? Breastfeeding caused a lot of depression for me and I sought out my local LLL group, went to a meeting, and it helped me a lot! My hospital also has mommy and me group meetings (I haven't gone to them yet but will) and there's tons of new moms, so maybe you should check if your hospital has them too? Might be good to have support of other new moms.
@PYLWhammy Time to reach out and talk to someone. Therapy is great for sobbing and venting your true feelings in a safe place. In the meantime, I know you're BF'ing. Are you pumping as well? If so, can your husband offer your LO a bottle Friday night so you can get some zzz's?
@PYLWhammy I'm so sorry. I will say, it took me a full 6 weeks to really enjoy being a mom. I felt like a food dispenser and butt wiper to someone who yelled at me all the time. My issues with breastfeeding didn't help either. DH and I were at each other's throat and kept thinking the other person had an attitude. It was rough. Then suddenly at 6 weeks, things started getting better. I'm hoping that is the case for you also!
I'm guessing you haven't had your PP check up yet? It might be good to talk to your OB or seek out a therapist sooner? Breastfeeding caused a lot of depression for me and I sought out my local LLL group, went to a meeting, and it helped me a lot! My hospital also has mommy and me group meetings (I haven't gone to them yet but will) and there's tons of new moms, so maybe you should check if your hospital has them too? Might be good to have support of other new moms.
I could have written that first part except change it to 7 weeks. MH and I were constantly fighting and he was always accusing me of being snarky with him. Lucine is 9 weeks now and she still has her terror days (like today) but she is better and I am learning to deal with her moods better. I still have emotional moments but it's no where near the all day sob fests I was experiencing.
My DH and I fight a lot more too now that Ezra is here. I can only think of a handful of days in the past two months there hasn't been some issue that lead to at least a few hours of silent treatment by one or both of us. Communication is so much harder with a baby.
Every time I start to feel better, I break down all over again. I'm to the point where I regret having this baby. These last five weeks have been hell and I can't say I'm enjoying motherhood at all. And I have no one to go to for support; normally I'd go to my husband but all we've been doing lately is fighting. I just want my old life back.
I felt this exact same way with my first. My husband actually tried to be understanding but he was in the middle of a career change and working from across the country for like half of the first 3 months of our son's life so I was pretty isolated. I think at some point my girlfriends noticed and tried to be more intentional about reaching out and that helped somewhat- do you have any friends you can make plans with or even just do a regular phone check in? But even with getting treatment for PPA/ OCD, I truly feel like my son was 10 months old before I really started to look forward to being around him, rather than just counting down the hours until bedtime so I could have a few hours of "normal" life. I just missed having uninterrupted time to watch movies with my husband, go running whenever I wanted, read a book in fewer than 6 months, etc. And now he's 2.5 and he's such a part of what is now my normal life, but when this baby was born I went through another- much shorter- phase of regretting having her, feeling like "we had such a good thing going on, why did I mess it up by having this baby?" She's 7 weeks and I still feel it occasionally, and I imagine I will once again take quite a while to adjust fully to 2 kids and come to enjoy her as a person. I try to give myself grace in this area and not dwell on whether this makes me a bad mom or damages them in some way.
Hi. I'm writing from the ER where I'm waiting for them to find me a bed at a mental health hospital. My anxiety and depression got so out of control that I haven't been sleeping for days on end and have become desperate for help or a way out. I have to wonder if this might have been avoided had I started my depression and anxiety meds immediately postpartum... I don't know, but this is humiliating and terrifying and I miss my baby desperately. Get help. Take medication. Don't get to this point.
@saladflambe lots of positive thoughts your way! And it's amazing that you're taking the steps you need to be strong and healthy for your baby. You're a great mama!
@saladflambe I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. But I am glad you are reaching out to get the help you need. i hope the wait time in the ER is not long.
@saladflambe Hugs, good vibes, and prayers for you! I'm so sorry that you're in this situation; you're doing the right thing for your family and yourself by getting the help that you need. FX for a healthy recovery!
@saladflambe I am so sorry for everything that is going on, and I am glad you're being so courageous in seeking help. Sending prayers that they find a place that will get you on your way to recovery!
Hi. I'm writing from the ER where I'm waiting for them to find me a bed at a mental health hospital. My anxiety and depression got so out of control that I haven't been sleeping for days on end and have become desperate for help or a way out. I have to wonder if this might have been avoided had I started my depression and anxiety meds immediately postpartum... I don't know, but this is humiliating and terrifying and I miss my baby desperately. Get help. Take medication. Don't get to this point.
Hugs and prayers your way. FX your wait isn't too long and that you get to see your baby soon. Don't be humiliated. You're doing the best possible thing for your family and you're getting the help you need. If anything you should be proud you're taking the steps you need now.
@saladflambe I'm so sorry to hear that, but I'm glad to know you're getting the support you need. Never be embarrassed for making tough choices for your family, you're so strong for realizing you need to address the problem and ask for help. Big creepy hugs to you and your family. I hope you find something that helps you long term so you can get home to your baby as soon as you're feeling better.
@saladflambe You are doing the absolute best thing you could be doing for yourself and for your baby. I hope that you are able to get exactly what you need so that you are feeling better and able to go home soon! Love and creepy internet hugs to you and yours.
@saladflambe sending t&p your way. Kudos to you for taking this step to take care of yourself. I've been in psych hospitals before and it really was the best thing for me at the time. Hoping you will have the same experience.
I had another rough day but am feeling better after some talks with DH and a decision to stop breastfeeding again (just pump). Thanks to all who offered support and advice, it is so appreciated.
Hi again. I got home from the hospital yesterday. Best choice I've ever made choosing to go there. It was so hard, but so necessary. My baby is now on bottles (with a schedule thanks to my husband and mother in law figuring that out), and I'm on medications that are allowing me to sleep. My husband is being amazing and taking the night shift so I can sleep in the basement without interruption until 6am and then I get up to get her for the day. My advice for anyone reaching that low of a low is go... Always go. It's hard and scary but it can truly help.
Hi again. I got home from the hospital yesterday. Best choice I've ever made choosing to go there. It was so hard, but so necessary. My baby is now on bottles (with a schedule thanks to my husband and mother in law figuring that out), and I'm on medications that are allowing me to sleep. My husband is being amazing and taking the night shift so I can sleep in the basement without interruption until 6am and then I get up to get her for the day. My advice for anyone reaching that low of a low is go... Always go. It's hard and scary but it can truly help.
@saladflambe I'm glad you took care of YOU! It sounds like you have an incredible support system in place too. Very happy to hear that you're starting to feel better!
@saladflambe everyone has already told you how incredible you are for being self aware enough, even at your lowest low, to get yourself the help you needed. I hope you know that having the courage to post about it openly here will surely help someone else sooner or later as well. Stay strong, your baby is so lucky to have you.
@saladflambe I'm so glad you posted an update, I was thinking about you in a totally non-creepy way. It sounds like you have a great support system and that you're doing much better. Wishing you all the best!
First off @saladflambe so glad you are doing better and found what works for your family.
I feel a bit weird posting in here after the thread being dead for almost a month - reading what y'all are saying helps because I know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm just late to the baby blues, but I need to vent to ladies who will understand. I did have a bought of stress when I had BF issues week one, but we got through it and I bounced back. Fast forward to going back to work - I've hated being back to work but not for the same reasons as everyone else. I've not experienced that separation stress/sadness from being back at work or leaving her at daycare. I would say 90% of my stress is linked to BF. I still HATE it. It hurts, she's violent and beats and pinches me, she doesn't always latch right away, and sometimes she still cries after even if I know she's full. Then trying to find time to pump at work - I can't relax to pump during conference calls and if I get swept up in troubleshooting something and didn't set an alarm all of a sudden it's 3.5 hours later, I'm engorged and can't pump to save my life.
So I had a bit of a perfect storm when I came back to work - she started sleeping through the night and dropping night feedings, stress level went up at work, i got my period, food intake and water went down a little bit due to pumping during lunch and breaks, and I started training for a 1/2 marathon - so my supply dropped. At the same time she increased how much per a bottle she took in. So then I started pumping like a mad woman, eating oatmeal and fenugreek like it was going out of style - vicious endless cycle of stress...pump...stress more...pump less.I also work from home 2x a week and I hate it - I feel like I'm failing as a mom and an employee because I can't do both - especially when she's still nursing for 40 min every 2 hours and not napping much.
With the cold she's stopped sleeping through the night, and now the dog is sick too so this week I've woken up to the dog puking at 4 am (once IN the bed....in my hair) multiple times, then baby waking up at 5 am for an extra feeding. Now I have her cold - I've been woken up between 3 and 5 every morning and then held her half drowsing until 7 every morning. So yesterday I got to the point where i just kept saying "i hate this" (mostly about BF). I don't hate her, i love her, but I definitely have moments that I wish we didn't have her and I don't want to be a mom. This morning I had the added pleasure of cleaning up a pile of dog puke and two piles of dog diarrhea after DH took her off to daycare. Now I'm working from home sick but still can't concentrate much on work since work life is just as FUBAR.
I know it'll get easier when she's a little older and can communicate a little bit better and isn't all about mommy, and I never expected this to be "fun", but I also never expected to have this much stress. I felt like super zen mom when I was home FT, but adding working full time back into the mix and I'm a wreck. In the middle of everything else we *might* be moving across the country but still have no idea what's going on. I'm going to take the weekend to see if it's just the cold making everything worse, but will probably call the EAP line at work for a therapist to talk things through with (though honestly at the moment that stresses me out thinking of one more thing to juggle). Sorry for the long post, getting it off my chest helps a bit.
You've got a lot going on @gingerbride26! Going back to work is hard enough without the added stress of breastfeeding and pumping, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can. If your stress is strictly related to BF, maybe you can start to supplement to see if it provides you and your LO with some relief? Your story brings me back to when I had my first child and I KILLED myself trying to breastfeed despite IGT and low supply. I went on for 9 months and I was in hell. This time, I'm more relaxed. I nurse when Lo wants but I'm doing 80% formula. This all to say that your sanity is important! Your job is to make sure she's fed (BF/FF/combination) and happy and you deserve to be happy too. I hope you can strike a balance that works for you guys! Oh and I hope your poor pup feels better too!
You've got a lot going on @gingerbride26! Going back to work is hard enough without the added stress of breastfeeding and pumping, but it sounds like you're doing everything you can. If your stress is strictly related to BF, maybe you can start to supplement to see if it provides you and your LO with some relief? Your story brings me back to when I had my first child and I KILLED myself trying to breastfeed despite IGT and low supply. I went on for 9 months and I was in hell. This time, I'm more relaxed. I nurse when Lo wants but I'm doing 80% formula. This all to say that your sanity is important! Your job is to make sure she's fed (BF/FF/combination) and happy and you deserve to be happy too. I hope you can strike a balance that works for you guys! Oh and I hope your poor pup feels better too!
Off topic, but I didn't realize you have IGT too! With DS1 I also killed myself, taking supplements, eating oatmeal, pumping, nursing and supplementing, all in vain and no one told me about IGT or even hinted it might be the cause of all my struggles.
I'm soooooo happy the LC I hired this time told me off the bat and had a really hard but honest chat with me about my limitations. I honestly thought it was me not trying enough or not sticking it out long enough and it made me really upset last time. And I wasn't supplementing at all this time and it was noticeable in wet/dirty diaper counts and rapid weight loss within the first week.
Yes girl! @Bltbear82 I took ALL of the supplements, pumping around the clock, etc. I was going insane. I have a reasonable nursing goal now, and with DS being my second child, I'm much wiser too....I think.
Re: PPD/Baby Blues
I'm guessing you haven't had your PP check up yet? It might be good to talk to your OB or seek out a therapist sooner? Breastfeeding caused a lot of depression for me and I sought out my local LLL group, went to a meeting, and it helped me a lot! My hospital also has mommy and me group meetings (I haven't gone to them yet but will) and there's tons of new moms, so maybe you should check if your hospital has them too? Might be good to have support of other new moms.
I felt this exact same way with my first. My husband actually tried to be understanding but he was in the middle of a career change and working from across the country for like half of the first 3 months of our son's life so I was pretty isolated. I think at some point my girlfriends noticed and tried to be more intentional about reaching out and that helped somewhat- do you have any friends you can make plans with or even just do a regular phone check in? But even with getting treatment for PPA/ OCD, I truly feel like my son was 10 months old before I really started to look forward to being around him, rather than just counting down the hours until bedtime so I could have a few hours of "normal" life. I just missed having uninterrupted time to watch movies with my husband, go running whenever I wanted, read a book in fewer than 6 months, etc. And now he's 2.5 and he's such a part of what is now my normal life, but when this baby was born I went through another- much shorter- phase of regretting having her, feeling like "we had such a good thing going on, why did I mess it up by having this baby?" She's 7 weeks and I still feel it occasionally, and I imagine I will once again take quite a while to adjust fully to 2 kids and come to enjoy her as a person. I try to give myself grace in this area and not dwell on whether this makes me a bad mom or damages them in some way.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
I had another rough day but am feeling better after some talks with DH and a decision to stop breastfeeding again (just pump). Thanks to all who offered support and advice, it is so appreciated.
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
DS: Born 5-17-16
Mama to Three Girls:
Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor
and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!
I feel a bit weird posting in here after the thread being dead for almost a month - reading what y'all are saying helps because I know I'm not alone. Maybe I'm just late to the baby blues, but I need to vent to ladies who will understand. I did have a bought of stress when I had BF issues week one, but we got through it and I bounced back. Fast forward to going back to work - I've hated being back to work but not for the same reasons as everyone else. I've not experienced that separation stress/sadness from being back at work or leaving her at daycare. I would say 90% of my stress is linked to BF. I still HATE it. It hurts, she's violent and beats and pinches me, she doesn't always latch right away, and sometimes she still cries after even if I know she's full. Then trying to find time to pump at work - I can't relax to pump during conference calls and if I get swept up in troubleshooting something and didn't set an alarm all of a sudden it's 3.5 hours later, I'm engorged and can't pump to save my life.
So I had a bit of a perfect storm when I came back to work - she started sleeping through the night and dropping night feedings, stress level went up at work, i got my period, food intake and water went down a little bit due to pumping during lunch and breaks, and I started training for a 1/2 marathon - so my supply dropped. At the same time she increased how much per a bottle she took in. So then I started pumping like a mad woman, eating oatmeal and fenugreek like it was going out of style - vicious endless cycle of stress...pump...stress more...pump less.I also work from home 2x a week and I hate it - I feel like I'm failing as a mom and an employee because I can't do both - especially when she's still nursing for 40 min every 2 hours and not napping much.
With the cold she's stopped sleeping through the night, and now the dog is sick too so this week I've woken up to the dog puking at 4 am (once IN the bed....in my hair) multiple times, then baby waking up at 5 am for an extra feeding. Now I have her cold - I've been woken up between 3 and 5 every morning and then held her half drowsing until 7 every morning. So yesterday I got to the point where i just kept saying "i hate this" (mostly about BF). I don't hate her, i love her, but I definitely have moments that I wish we didn't have her and I don't want to be a mom. This morning I had the added pleasure of cleaning up a pile of dog puke and two piles of dog diarrhea after DH took her off to daycare. Now I'm working from home sick but still can't concentrate much on work since work life is just as FUBAR.
I know it'll get easier when she's a little older and can communicate a little bit better and isn't all about mommy, and I never expected this to be "fun", but I also never expected to have this much stress. I felt like super zen mom when I was home FT, but adding working full time back into the mix and I'm a wreck. In the middle of everything else we *might* be moving across the country but still have no idea what's going on. I'm going to take the weekend to see if it's just the cold making everything worse, but will probably call the EAP line at work for a therapist to talk things through with (though honestly at the moment that stresses me out thinking of one more thing to juggle). Sorry for the long post, getting it off my chest helps a bit.
I'm soooooo happy the LC I hired this time told me off the bat and had a really hard but honest chat with me about my limitations. I honestly thought it was me not trying enough or not sticking it out long enough and it made me really upset last time. And I wasn't supplementing at all this time and it was noticeable in wet/dirty diaper counts and rapid weight loss within the first week.