Need to vent

SuperFudge00 · July 2016

I'm sorry for my AW post, and I'm not really sure what I'm looking to gain from sharing. I feel like I can't really share irl for fear of judgement or embarrassment. Idk, but here goes.

Thursday night I came home from work to find my husband inebriated, an occurrence that has become more frequent lately. I am not sure what time or where he started drinking but he picked our son up from daycare 2 hours before. I'm scared that he had been drinking and driving with my son. He was drinking and driving last monday while I was home with our son. This Thursday evening he tried to take off again in the car. I wouldn't let him, an argument began and got ugly quickly. I told him he had to leave. He took my stepson with him and they've been gone since.

He has told me that he is renting a room in a nearby city but won't tell me where because he says he doesn't want me to make a scene. I have my suspicions but don't have the energy to focus on this aspect yet. Because the vehicles are in my name, I won't let him take any.

On friday my son, 16 months, asked for him. I tried calling him so they could talk but MH wouldn't answer and texted back that it was my fault he's not there and I can tell our son that, along with other choice words. He demanded to pick up my son. I told him he wouldn't be taking my son anywhere but that if he attends AA and provides proof that I will allow him to visit, I even offered to take him. Instead he got drunk again.

I tried to to keep all this to myself but I work weekends and don't get off until 7pm. When I realized we would not come to a resolution for the weekend I had to reach out to my cousin who is our daycare provider. My mom has passed away and my dad is useless so j have limited family.

My cousin was going camping with her family and although she offered to take my son with him, I couldn't be away from him the whole weekend. A friend of mine who is also a nurse and has 3 of her own was working on Saturday but had Sunday off so she and her husband cared for my son on Sunday and I had to call in sick on Saturday. My cousin will be able to help me in the future, at least until I go on maternity leave and have more time to sort through my options.

Because I was home on Saturday, I forwarded the AA schedule in our city to my husband and told him I'd take him and when he was done, we could all hang out at the park. He refused, said he'd go on his own, didn't and then got drunk again. Before he got drunk he asked for marriage counseling but got upset that i made AA a requirement.

Yesterday he demanded to see my son, we rehashed the same discussions regarding counseling and AA and he agrees during the day but by early evening he's drunk and cruel again.

i don't have to go back to work until Friday so I'll be home with my son who has stopped asking about his dad but seems to be sleeping worse since my husband has been gone. I have t been able to eat very well and have lost 4 pounds. I try and eat when hungry, but I can't eat much. I know the baby will take what he needs but it's running me ragged.

I'm beyond depressed having to think about being a pregnant single mother with a toddler. I'm so scared for when I actually deliver, especially since I went into labor early with my son despite having a scheduled c-section. I have no idea how I'm going to care for a newborn and a toddler on my own. I'm so tired from everything.

The safety of my boys is where I'm finding strength to demand what's best for them. I know I can find more support if I ask, but that's hard for me since I'm very independent and I don't want to expose my failing marriage at this point. Each day that he continues to drink solidifies my conviction and increases my strength.

I keep trying to make the effort so my son can see his dad but he won't do the right thing. I can't make him want my son more than alcohol.

I think I need to seek individual counseling once I wrap my head around what my new routine will be.

Thanks for letting me vent.

mrsvoorhees-2 · July 2016

I am really, really sorry you're going through this. What you're doing is amazing though. There are so many women out there that choose the man over their children, or feel like it's best for the kids if they stay or let him see them. I'm really glad you're not letting him take him if he's willing to drink and drink and drive with him there.

If he refuses to change, there's nothing you can do for him. You have to take care of yourself and your kids, (which you are and doing an amazing job) and move on. Keep any text messages or support that you have just in case it doesn't work out. I know that's hard to think about but you'll need that in case he's trying to fight for custody. You don't want the kids going to him if he won't stop drinking.

again, I really hate that you're going through this and I'm sorry I don't have better advice. You're doing the right thing though!

PSUBecky23 · July 2016

I'm so sorry you're going through this but it sounds like you know what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. I agree that counseling would definitely be good for you. Also, look into Al-Anon meetings. You will get through this and will come out stronger as a result.

TheTamedShrew · July 2016

I agree with @MrsVoorhees, you are absolutely making the best decision for your children right now. I am so so sorry you are going through that, especially so close to delivery. I don't know that I would be as strong and handle it as well as you seem to be right now. It's an inspiration to see such a strong mother making hard decisions for the sake of her family. Stick to your guns, and know that we are all here for you! Sending you good thoughts and hoping that your husband can come to his senses and get some help.

P.S. whenever you feel ready you should reach out to more friends or family. No one should have to go through this alone.

SuperFudge00 · July 2016

Thanks ladies. I'm definitely screenshotting everything. I know I will need proof if I have to convince a judge that he's unsuitable. He knows I'm doing this and still doesn't change his behavior. But I honestly don't think he'll make the effort to petition for visitation since he can't even stay sober for one day. I've challenged him to go to court in hopes that he will straighten up with that in mind.

kosmo86 · July 2016

I am very sorry you are going though this. Alcoholism is a nasty addiction. It runs in my family and my father is struggled my whole life with it. First I would find a councilor in your area for yourself and possibly look into Al-anon meeting. While I know how badly you want him to go to AA, unless an addict is willing to try to get the help there is sadly not much you can do to make them.

As a child of severe alcoholism I will say that it is OK that you will not let your son see him. I realize your son might miss him and he might not be young enough to remember a lot when he is older (my memories of that start from about 7ish). I will tell you that I don't remember the times that my mom didn't let me see my dad but I do remember the times he was drunk and angry. You cannot compromise with an alcoholic.

CoffeeBeanFiend91 · July 2016

You are doing the right thing. You really should look into counseling and/or Al-anon meetings to help you cope with this BS.
Coming from the perspective of a child of a severe alcoholic the best thing you can do is keep him away unless he actually care enough to help himself. My mother is still married to my dad and even into adulthood our relationship is strained. We avoid them as much as possible.

SuperFudge00 · July 2016

@kosmo86 and @CoffeeBeanFiend91:

I'm so sorry for your personal experiences but I thank you for sharing. I'm so stuck in the moment that I can't focus on long term but your stories help to keep me strong to do the right thing.

rock1cherry · July 2016

I don't have a lot to add except to say I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's such an awful situation! You're making the right decision about not allowing him to drink and drive and to seek help before he can see your son. Hopefully he will realize what's important and get himself some help. Good luck! Thinking of you.

reesaXden · July 2016

I didn't read everyone's comments but I wanted to post and share my experience. My mother was/is an alcoholic. My dad raised my brother and I alone because she refused to get help and stay sober. Stick to you guns for your son/s. If you feel uneasy about a situation, follow your instinct. The one time my dad "gave in" and allowed my mother to see us, we ended up having a car accident because she was drinking and driving with us.

Don't let him talk you into him not doing the AA. He needs help and he will not be able to overcome this alone (without professional help).

Does his stepsons mom know what's going on?

SuperFudge00 · July 2016

@reesaXden, that's such a huge fear of mine. I can't risk my son's life. I'm sure SS's mom doesn't know the whole story. I told him to call her because of what MH was doing and he said she's in Mexico. This is why he is living with us instead of her because she's selfish when she's single and has been spending months at a time visiting some guy in Mexico. I didn't find out she wasn't in town until they already left.

tinypikachu · July 2016

Stay strong, mama! I unfortunately don't have many words of advice as PPs have covered pretty much everything. You are doing an amazingly courageous thing and you are fine to not let him take the baby like this. I would definitely seek out a counselor and start going. If he wants to attend with you at any time, I'd keep that door open but, for right now, you can't help someone that won't help themselves. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard situation. My heart goes out to you.

Tippy05 · July 2016

I have nothing else to add that hasn't already been said, but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope that your husband can get his act together soon. I'm sure it's hard, but you're doing the right thing for sure! Stay strong for your kids and know that you're doing an amazing thing for them. Hang in there mama!

Thscary · July 2016

I don't have anything to add that other posters haven't said, but just wanted to say I think you are doing the right thing for your sons. Stay strong and know we are here for you.

JennM205 · July 2016

THANK YOU and GOOD JOB for doing what's best for your children. I, too, am a child of an alcoholic. Over and over and over for almost all of my childhood, I watched my parents struggle with my father's alcoholism. Constant arguments, ultimatums, promises, broken promises and the cycle would begin again. This not only strained my relationship with my Dad but with my Mom, too. In fact, in the end I almost blamed her the most because she wasn't willing to make the tough decisions to keep my siblings and I safe. PPs are right - you cannot force your husband into AA no matter how much you know it would benefit him. The only thing in your control is the happiness and safety of your children and it sounds like you are on the right path for them, no matter how difficult it might be for yourself. Stick to your guns. If this is the end of your marriage, I am terribly, terribly sorry...but it will be the best new beginning for you and your children. Better to do it now before they're both damaged from the situation. Also, I know it's hard but definitely reach out to family and friends in real life. You deserve all the support you can get. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of!

izzetoot · July 2016

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this esp during a pregnancy with a toddler. But you are being extrememly strong and a great awesome mother to your babies!

Have you considered reaching out to his family and/or friends about it? Maybe you could get a few more people on your side to help him see what alcoholism is doing to him and your family. I know you said you don't want to broadcast your marriage troubles but if might be useful in finding some support so close to when you are about to need it the most, when the new LO is here, or before he gets worse.

nativetexan512 · July 2016

I am so, so sorry you are in this position, but I'm glad you posted something so other people can help support you.

Are you eligible for any kind of emergency assistance or support through your job? Not that you have any free time, but it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling and support as well, in addition to being able to share everything maybe they would have some advice on dealing with your husband? I've done phone counseling through work before during a difficult time where I couldn't get in to see someone, and it was very helpful to me.

100% you are doing the right thing.

Ssoccerball · July 2016

I don't have any experience with addiction, but DH and I went to marriage counseling several years ago when we needed help getting through a rocky patch. What I found was that my DH was far more receptive to hearing things about himself when it came from the counselor and not from me. Right now you are telling your husband that he needs to go to AA, when he doesn't think that he has a drinking problem (or is refusing to treat it). Since he is willing to go to marriage counseling, is it possible that he would be more receptive to treating his drinking if he heard that it was a problem from a neutral party? I think even a marriage counselor could recognize the signs of addiction and would agree with you that it is unacceptable for him to be driving himself or others while intoxicated. Perhaps it would be a good first step in helping your husband recognize that he has a problem. This is not to say that you need to let him see your son during this period...obviously, your son's safety is the first priority. But if you love your husband and don't want to give up on your marriage, then it might be worthwhile to help try and facilitate treatment of his disease.

CRich15 · July 2016

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through that but I applaud your strength to do what's best for your children. Like PP have mentioned, not every mother makes the same decision and the results are horrible. I really hope that your husband realizes what he is doing to not only himself but to his family as well and gets the help he needs. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

SuperFudge00 · July 2016

Thanks so much everyone for your continued support.

@izzetoot I thought about contacting his sisters today. The one that isn't flaky is in Italy but might be able to reach out. He has been telling me that "everyone" knows that this is my fault so I'm sure he's been spreading misinformation. He is also lacking in the parental department.

@Ssoccerball that is a great idea to try to get him some sort of help. I agree that he might be more receptive if someone else recognized his problem and made recommendations. Even if it doesn't help our marriage, it might be the catalyst he needs to get help.

I just texted him to see if he'd go to counseling if I could get an appointment today.

steminist · July 2016

I am so sorry for everything you're going through. Over mother's day this year, my mom finally went into rehab/AA after probably 20 years of alcoholism. I was lucky that she at least always had the sense to never drive with us in the car (as far as I know, I guess), but our relationship is strained because of it. Like others have said, you should be so proud of yourself for standing strong for yourself and your kids. It is incredibly hard and painful to do, even when you know it's the best for everyone. Good luck, and good for you.

ruemcclanahan · July 2016

Seriously this is so hard to do and you are being so strong. I know it's scary but you know you're doing the right thing.

good luck with everything, I'll be thinking of you

mrsvoorhees-2 · July 2016

@SuperFudge00 keep us updated! We are here for you!

RG1 · July 2016

I have nothing to add to what PPs have said, just extra encouragement that you are doing the right thing. I hope he will attend the counselling appointment with you today. We will be thinking about you!

diagonalley · July 2016

At this point I don't know that AA would be all that beneficial for him. I think rehab would probably be a better solution because he'd have to stop drinking and his head would be able to become clear, plus it involves counseling and AA within it. Can you reach out to anyone close to him for help getting through to him? You are absolutely making the right choice keeping your vehicles away from him. Even still if something major happened because he was using someone else's, it could effect anything you own together. I know some other ladies mentioned it and I agree that you should look into attending Al-anon meetings yourself to get some support and maybe information on resources available. I'm sorry you are going through this.

hey_clever_girl · July 2016

Just echoing what everyone else has said here. You are doing what's right for your children. I know it's hard. Just know we're here if you need to vent/talk/what have you and you are most definitely NOT AW'ing!

RG1 · July 2016

Agreed with @runningisrad....I meant to add that you are not AWing with this post

asht · July 2016

I think if he is willing to do therapy start there without the AA stipulation. Like another poster said he might be more receptive to hear that from an outside person. Typically when relationships start to sour it's because we get sick of only hearing our negatives (wether this is all that is said or not).

Good luck! And in the mean time you can raise your kids on your own. It will seem tough but you will be amazed at what your able to do when you have no choice.

kosmo86 · July 2016

I was thinking more about it and I just wanted to add. Please don't ever let anyone tell you that it is you that caused any of this. Alcoholics LOVE LOVE LOVE to play the blame game and think it is never their fault. If his family blames you that they are part of the problem too. I would try to reach out to his family because they may be willing to help. Alcoholics also LOVE to play on insecurities because they tend to have low self esteem and want to bring you down to their level. He will try to use these insecurities to get what he wants. Just keep your head up!!!

pilotswifey · July 2016

I kind of skimmed responses, but people seem to be saying much of what I would suggest. I am a recovering alcoholic, and have been sober for just over four years, so I hope my experience can help someone, somewhere.

Al-anon is a great idea for you. I know that first meeting is terrifying. It can be so hard to walk into a room full of strangers and admit that life isn't perfect. You can take a friend if you need support, but try really hard to find a meeting nearby.

Your husband won't change until he's ready. Unfortunately, you have no control over that timing, and he may never be ready, which sucks. There are plenty of people who can not get sober for one reason or another. But, this IS NOT your cross to bear. HE is the only one who can decide to change, and you are doing the right thing by protecting the children. Is your SS old enough to call someone if he's scared? If not, it might not be a terrible idea to call CPS.

This situation sucks. It will be hard, and I'm SO sorry you have to go through it. You CAN do this, and you might find an amazing tribe of supporters at Al-Anon. I understand not having family who can help...hopefully there are people in the community who can be pillars of support. No matter what he says, you didn't cause any of this, and he is the only one making things worse. We alcoholics can be terribly mean and spiteful when we're at our worst, and we will say anything to take the blame off ourselves. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I wish you were nearby, and that I could do more to help.

JasonKristen · July 2016

@pilotswifey so happy you are doing so well in your sobriety. I agree with Al-anon. My grandfather drank very heavily and it was a godsend to my grandmother.

@SuperFudge00 stay strong. You are doing a great job and go to Al-anon or other counseling. Don't let him guilt you at all. He needs to want to change in order to change.

I am really worried about stepson. Is there any way you can take him or other family member?

toimadness1 · July 2016

@SuperFudge00 as hard as your situation is right now I really commend you for putting your children first. I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said but will be thinking of you and praying for your situation. Stay strong!

Prof=Mom · July 2016

ajn092 · July 2016

Agree with what PP have said but also wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you have to go through this. You are such a strong woman and will get through this. We're here for you anytime you need to vent and want to provide any support we can.

MamaSquishyB · July 2016

Sounds like you are doing what's best for you and your babies. Don't ever doubt your Mama Bear instinct! Being a single mom will be difficult, but you will find the strength is there when you need it. Don't ever hesitate to ask for help. I don't know if you're a religious woman, but if you are, pray for strength. I will do the same.

SuperFudge00 · July 2016

I had a bad scare today. DS fell and busted his eyebrow open. I rushed him to my ER and he got stitches. H met is there and helped with him. He was sober. After this scare he has agreed to AA. I hope he follows through.

SuperFudge00 · July 2016

Wrong quote

SuperFudge00 · July 2016

JasonKristen said:

@pilotswifey so happy you are doing so well in your sobriety. I agree with Al-anon. My grandfather drank very heavily and it was a godsend to my grandmother.

@SuperFudge00 stay strong. You are doing a great job and go to Al-anon or other counseling. Don't let him guilt you at all. He needs to want to change in order to change.

I am really worried about stepson. Is there any way you can take him or other family member?

His mother is back and will either pick him up tonight or tomorrow.

geminigirl16 · July 2016

I don't have much more to add than anyone else, just wanted to extend my condolences that you have had such stress thrust on you, especially at this late stage of pregnancy. I admire the strength and resolve that you portrayed in your post. I'm not sure if be handling this as clear headedly as you are. Good job for sticking up for yourself and for your sons, they are lucky to have you as a mom.

My father is an alcoholic however he quit drinking before I was born as it was tearing apart my parent's marriage. They've never glossed over this fact with me and my sibling, it was either my father quit drinking or the marriage was done. They worked together and took counseling to move past the alcohol and are still together today and my father will not touch alcohol even now (35 years + later). Unfortunately, one must want this in order for change to happen and I hope that your husband comes around and you both can work through this together.

The one positive aspect that you can take away from this, you've got a great group of (online) ladies who are here to support you!

drmh22 · July 2016

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am happy, however, that you felt safe enough here to share and look for support within our group.
My mom is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. It's not a good example and it's not the best life for children. You are doing an amazing thing by finding the strength to do what is best for your boys. I sincerely hope that he sticks to his decision to go to AA. Please come here any time you need some extra support.

rock1cherry · July 2016

Sorry to hear about your DS' fall and subsequent stitches.

poor guy. Glad to hear your husband has decided to go to AA. I hope he sticks to his word.

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