I'm sorry for my AW post, and I'm not really sure what I'm looking to gain from sharing. I feel like I can't really share irl for fear of judgement or embarrassment. Idk, but here goes.
Thursday night I came home from work to find my husband inebriated, an occurrence that has become more frequent lately. I am not sure what time or where he started drinking but he picked our son up from daycare 2 hours before. I'm scared that he had been drinking and driving with my son. He was drinking and driving last monday while I was home with our son. This Thursday evening he tried to take off again in the car. I wouldn't let him, an argument began and got ugly quickly. I told him he had to leave. He took my stepson with him and they've been gone since.
He has told me that he is renting a room in a nearby city but won't tell me where because he says he doesn't want me to make a scene. I have my suspicions but don't have the energy to focus on this aspect yet. Because the vehicles are in my name, I won't let him take any.
On friday my son, 16 months, asked for him. I tried calling him so they could talk but MH wouldn't answer and texted back that it was my fault he's not there and I can tell our son that, along with other choice words. He demanded to pick up my son. I told him he wouldn't be taking my son anywhere but that if he attends AA and provides proof that I will allow him to visit, I even offered to take him. Instead he got drunk again.
I tried to to keep all this to myself but I work weekends and don't get off until 7pm. When I realized we would not come to a resolution for the weekend I had to reach out to my cousin who is our daycare provider. My mom has passed away and my dad is useless so j have limited family.
My cousin was going camping with her family and although she offered to take my son with him, I couldn't be away from him the whole weekend. A friend of mine who is also a nurse and has 3 of her own was working on Saturday but had Sunday off so she and her husband cared for my son on Sunday and I had to call in sick on Saturday. My cousin will be able to help me in the future, at least until I go on maternity leave and have more time to sort through my options.
Because I was home on Saturday, I forwarded the AA schedule in our city to my husband and told him I'd take him and when he was done, we could all hang out at the park. He refused, said he'd go on his own, didn't and then got drunk again. Before he got drunk he asked for marriage counseling but got upset that i made AA a requirement.
Yesterday he demanded to see my son, we rehashed the same discussions regarding counseling and AA and he agrees during the day but by early evening he's drunk and cruel again.
i don't have to go back to work until Friday so I'll be home with my son who has stopped asking about his dad but seems to be sleeping worse since my husband has been gone. I have t been able to eat very well and have lost 4 pounds. I try and eat when hungry, but I can't eat much. I know the baby will take what he needs but it's running me ragged.
I'm beyond depressed having to think about being a pregnant single mother with a toddler. I'm so scared for when I actually deliver, especially since I went into labor early with my son despite having a scheduled c-section. I have no idea how I'm going to care for a newborn and a toddler on my own. I'm so tired from everything.
The safety of my boys is where I'm finding strength to demand what's best for them. I know I can find more support if I ask, but that's hard for me since I'm very independent and I don't want to expose my failing marriage at this point. Each day that he continues to drink solidifies my conviction and increases my strength.
I keep trying to make the effort so my son can see his dad but he won't do the right thing. I can't make him want my son more than alcohol.
I think I need to seek individual counseling once I wrap my head around what my new routine will be.
Thanks for letting me vent.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
Re: Need to vent
If he refuses to change, there's nothing you can do for him. You have to take care of yourself and your kids, (which you are and doing an amazing job) and move on. Keep any text messages or support that you have just in case it doesn't work out. I know that's hard to think about but you'll need that in case he's trying to fight for custody. You don't want the kids going to him if he won't stop drinking.
again, I really hate that you're going through this and I'm sorry I don't have better advice. You're doing the right thing though!
P.S. whenever you feel ready you should reach out to more friends or family. No one should have to go through this alone.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
As a child of severe alcoholism I will say that it is OK that you will not let your son see him. I realize your son might miss him and he might not be young enough to remember a lot when he is older (my memories of that start from about 7ish). I will tell you that I don't remember the times that my mom didn't let me see my dad but I do remember the times he was drunk and angry. You cannot compromise with an alcoholic.
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
Coming from the perspective of a child of a severe alcoholic the best thing you can do is keep him away unless he actually care enough to help himself. My mother is still married to my dad and even into adulthood our relationship is strained. We avoid them as much as possible.
I'm so sorry for your personal experiences but I thank you for sharing. I'm so stuck in the moment that I can't focus on long term but your stories help to keep me strong to do the right thing.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
Don't let him talk you into him not doing the AA. He needs help and he will not be able to overcome this alone (without professional help).
Does his stepsons mom know what's going on?
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
I am so, so sorry you are in this position, but I'm glad you posted something so other people can help support you.
Are you eligible for any kind of emergency assistance or support through your job? Not that you have any free time, but it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling and support as well, in addition to being able to share everything maybe they would have some advice on dealing with your husband? I've done phone counseling through work before during a difficult time where I couldn't get in to see someone, and it was very helpful to me.
100% you are doing the right thing.
@izzetoot I thought about contacting his sisters today. The one that isn't flaky is in Italy but might be able to reach out. He has been telling me that "everyone" knows that this is my fault so I'm sure he's been spreading misinformation. He is also lacking in the parental department.
@Ssoccerball that is a great idea to try to get him some sort of help. I agree that he might be more receptive if someone else recognized his problem and made recommendations. Even if it doesn't help our marriage, it might be the catalyst he needs to get help.
I just texted him to see if he'd go to counseling if I could get an appointment today.
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
good luck with everything, I'll be thinking of you
FORMER USERNAME: @runningisrad
Good luck! And in the mean time you can raise your kids on your own. It will seem tough but you will be amazed at what your able to do when you have no choice.
BFP: 8/11/18 Due: 4/26/18
Al-anon is a great idea for you. I know that first meeting is terrifying. It can be so hard to walk into a room full of strangers and admit that life isn't perfect. You can take a friend if you need support, but try really hard to find a meeting nearby.
Your husband won't change until he's ready. Unfortunately, you have no control over that timing, and he may never be ready, which sucks. There are plenty of people who can not get sober for one reason or another. But, this IS NOT your cross to bear. HE is the only one who can decide to change, and you are doing the right thing by protecting the children. Is your SS old enough to call someone if he's scared? If not, it might not be a terrible idea to call CPS.
This situation sucks. It will be hard, and I'm SO sorry you have to go through it. You CAN do this, and you might find an amazing tribe of supporters at Al-Anon. I understand not having family who can help...hopefully there are people in the community who can be pillars of support. No matter what he says, you didn't cause any of this, and he is the only one making things worse. We alcoholics can be terribly mean and spiteful when we're at our worst, and we will say anything to take the blame off ourselves. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. I wish you were nearby, and that I could do more to help.
@SuperFudge00 stay strong. You are doing a great job and go to Al-anon or other counseling. Don't let him guilt you at all. He needs to want to change in order to change.
I am really worried about stepson. Is there any way you can take him or other family member?
DD 10/4/02
DS due 9/28/16
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
November Siggy Challenge: Selfie Fails
Hidden for the sake of your eyes!
My father is an alcoholic however he quit drinking before I was born as it was tearing apart my parent's marriage. They've never glossed over this fact with me and my sibling, it was either my father quit drinking or the marriage was done. They worked together and took counseling to move past the alcohol and are still together today and my father will not touch alcohol even now (35 years + later). Unfortunately, one must want this in order for change to happen and I hope that your husband comes around and you both can work through this together.
The one positive aspect that you can take away from this, you've got a great group of (online) ladies who are here to support you!
My mom is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. It's not a good example and it's not the best life for children. You are doing an amazing thing by finding the strength to do what is best for your boys. I sincerely hope that he sticks to his decision to go to AA. Please come here any time you need some extra support.