I'm sorry for my AW post, and I'm not really sure what I'm looking to gain from sharing. I feel like I can't really share irl for fear of judgement or embarrassment. Idk, but here goes.
Thursday night I came home from work to find my husband inebriated, an occurrence that has become more frequent lately. I am not sure what time or where he started drinking but he picked our son up from daycare 2 hours before. I'm scared that he had been drinking and driving with my son. He was drinking and driving last monday while I was home with our son. This Thursday evening he tried to take off again in the car. I wouldn't let him, an argument began and got ugly quickly. I told him he had to leave. He took my stepson with him and they've been gone since.
He has told me that he is renting a room in a nearby city but won't tell me where because he says he doesn't want me to make a scene. I have my suspicions but don't have the energy to focus on this aspect yet. Because the vehicles are in my name, I won't let him take any.
On friday my son, 16 months, asked for him. I tried calling him so they could talk but MH wouldn't answer and texted back that it was my fault he's not there and I can tell our son that, along with other choice words. He demanded to pick up my son. I told him he wouldn't be taking my son anywhere but that if he attends AA and provides proof that I will allow him to visit, I even offered to take him. Instead he got drunk again.
I tried to to keep all this to myself but I work weekends and don't get off until 7pm. When I realized we would not come to a resolution for the weekend I had to reach out to my cousin who is our daycare provider. My mom has passed away and my dad is useless so j have limited family.
My cousin was going camping with her family and although she offered to take my son with him, I couldn't be away from him the whole weekend. A friend of mine who is also a nurse and has 3 of her own was working on Saturday but had Sunday off so she and her husband cared for my son on Sunday and I had to call in sick on Saturday. My cousin will be able to help me in the future, at least until I go on maternity leave and have more time to sort through my options.
Because I was home on Saturday, I forwarded the AA schedule in our city to my husband and told him I'd take him and when he was done, we could all hang out at the park. He refused, said he'd go on his own, didn't and then got drunk again. Before he got drunk he asked for marriage counseling but got upset that i made AA a requirement.
Yesterday he demanded to see my son, we rehashed the same discussions regarding counseling and AA and he agrees during the day but by early evening he's drunk and cruel again.
i don't have to go back to work until Friday so I'll be home with my son who has stopped asking about his dad but seems to be sleeping worse since my husband has been gone. I have t been able to eat very well and have lost 4 pounds. I try and eat when hungry, but I can't eat much. I know the baby will take what he needs but it's running me ragged.
I'm beyond depressed having to think about being a pregnant single mother with a toddler. I'm so scared for when I actually deliver, especially since I went into labor early with my son despite having a scheduled c-section. I have no idea how I'm going to care for a newborn and a toddler on my own. I'm so tired from everything.
The safety of my boys is where I'm finding strength to demand what's best for them. I know I can find more support if I ask, but that's hard for me since I'm very independent and I don't want to expose my failing marriage at this point. Each day that he continues to drink solidifies my conviction and increases my strength.
I keep trying to make the effort so my son can see his dad but he won't do the right thing. I can't make him want my son more than alcohol.
I think I need to seek individual counseling once I wrap my head around what my new routine will be.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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