Need to vent — The Bump
September 2016 Moms

Need to vent

I'm sorry for my AW post, and I'm not really sure what I'm looking to gain from sharing. I feel like I can't really share irl for fear of judgement or embarrassment. Idk, but here goes.

Thursday night I came home from work to find my husband inebriated, an occurrence that has become more frequent lately. I am not sure what time or where he started drinking but he picked our son up from daycare 2 hours before. I'm scared that he had been drinking and driving with my son. He was drinking and driving last monday while I was home with our son. This Thursday evening he tried to take off again in the car. I wouldn't let him, an argument began and got ugly quickly. I told him he had to leave. He took my stepson with him and they've been gone since.

He has told me that he is renting a room in a nearby city but won't tell me where because he says he doesn't want me to make a scene. I have my suspicions but don't have the energy to focus on this aspect yet. Because the vehicles are in my name, I won't let him take any. 

On friday my son, 16 months, asked for him. I tried calling him so they could talk but MH wouldn't answer and texted back that it was my fault he's not there and I can tell our son that, along with other choice words. He demanded to pick up my son. I told him he wouldn't be taking my son anywhere but that if he attends AA and provides proof that I will allow him to visit, I even offered to take him. Instead he got drunk again.

I tried to to keep all this to myself but I work weekends and don't get off until 7pm. When I realized we would not come to a resolution for the weekend I had to reach out to my cousin who is our daycare provider. My mom has passed away and my dad is useless so j have limited family. 

My cousin was going camping with her family and although she offered to take my son with him, I couldn't be away from him the whole weekend. A friend of mine who is also a nurse and has 3 of her own was working on Saturday but had Sunday off so she and her husband cared for my son on Sunday and I had to call in sick on Saturday. My cousin will be able to help me in the future, at least until I go on maternity leave and have more time to sort through my options.

Because I was home on Saturday, I forwarded the AA schedule in our city to my husband and told him I'd take him and when he was done, we could all hang out at the park. He refused, said he'd go on his own, didn't and then got drunk again. Before he got drunk he asked for marriage counseling but got upset that i made AA a requirement. 

Yesterday he demanded to see my son, we rehashed the same discussions regarding counseling and AA and he agrees during the day but by early evening he's drunk and cruel again.

i don't have to go back to work until Friday so I'll be home with my son who has stopped asking about his dad but seems to be sleeping worse since my husband has been gone. I have t been able to eat very well and have lost 4 pounds. I try and eat when hungry, but I can't eat much. I know the baby will take what he needs but it's running me ragged. 

I'm beyond depressed having to think about being a pregnant single mother with a toddler. I'm so scared for when I actually deliver, especially since I went into labor early with my son despite having a scheduled c-section. I have no idea how I'm going to care for a newborn and a toddler on my own. I'm so tired from everything. 

The safety of my boys is where I'm finding strength to demand what's best for them. I know I can find more support if I ask, but that's hard for me since I'm very independent and I don't want to expose my failing marriage at this point. Each day that he continues to drink solidifies my conviction and increases my strength. 

I keep trying to make the effort so my son can see his dad but he won't do the right thing. I can't make him want my son more than alcohol.

I think I need to seek individual counseling once I wrap my head around what my new routine will be.

Thanks for letting me vent.


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Re: Need to vent

  • PSUBecky23PSUBecky23
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited July 2016
    I'm so sorry you're going through this but it sounds like you know what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. I agree that counseling would definitely be good for you. Also, look into Al-Anon meetings. You will get through this and will come out stronger as a result.
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  • I agree with @MrsVoorhees, you are absolutely making the best decision for your children right now. I am so so sorry you are going through that, especially so close to delivery. I don't know that I would be as strong and handle it as well as you seem to be right now. It's an inspiration to see such a strong mother making hard decisions for the sake of her family. Stick to your guns, and know that we are all here for you! Sending you good thoughts and hoping that your husband can come to his senses and get some help. <3 

    P.S. whenever you feel ready you should reach out to more friends or family. No one should have to go through this alone.
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  • You are doing the right thing. You really should look into counseling and/or Al-anon meetings to help you cope with this BS.
    Coming from the perspective of a child of a severe alcoholic the best thing you can do is keep him away unless he actually care enough to help himself. My mother is still married to my dad and even into adulthood our relationship is strained. We avoid them as much as possible. 

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  • @kosmo86 and @CoffeeBeanFiend91:

    I'm so sorry for your personal experiences but I thank you for sharing. I'm so stuck in the moment that I can't focus on long term but your stories help to keep me strong to do the right thing.

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  • I don't have a lot to add except to say I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's such an awful situation! You're making the right decision about not allowing him to drink and drive and to seek help before he can see your son. Hopefully he will realize what's important and get himself some help. Good luck! Thinking of you. 
  • I didn't read everyone's comments but I wanted to post and share my experience. My mother was/is an alcoholic.  My dad raised my brother and I alone because she refused to get help and stay sober.  Stick to you guns for your son/s.  If you feel uneasy about a situation, follow your instinct.  The one time my dad "gave in" and allowed my mother to see us, we ended up having a car accident because she was drinking and driving with us.  

    Don't let him talk you into him not doing the AA.  He needs help and he will not be able to overcome this alone (without professional help). 

    Does his stepsons mom know what's going on? 
    kosmo86Prof=MomKimmySchmidt
  • @reesaXden, that's such a huge fear of mine. I can't risk my son's life. I'm sure SS's mom doesn't know the whole story. I told him to call her because of what MH was doing and he said she's in Mexico. This is why he is living with us instead of her because she's selfish when she's single and has been spending months at a time visiting some guy in Mexico. I didn't find out she wasn't in town until they already left. 

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  • Stay strong, mama! I unfortunately don't have many words of advice as PPs have covered pretty much everything. You are doing an amazingly courageous thing and you are fine to not let him take the baby like this. I would definitely seek out a counselor and start going. If he wants to attend with you at any time, I'd keep that door open but, for right now, you can't help someone that won't help themselves. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard situation. My heart goes out to you.
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  • I have nothing else to add that hasn't already been said, but wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope that your husband can get his act together soon.  I'm sure it's hard, but you're doing the right thing for sure!  Stay strong for your kids and know that you're doing an amazing thing for them.  Hang in there mama!
  • I don't have anything to add that other posters haven't said, but just wanted to say I think you are doing the right thing for your sons. Stay strong and know we are here for you.
  • I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this esp during a pregnancy with a toddler.  But you are being extrememly strong and a great awesome mother to your babies!  <3 Have you considered reaching out to his family and/or friends about it? Maybe you could get a few more people on your side to help him see what alcoholism is doing to him and your family.  I know you said you don't want to broadcast your marriage troubles but if might be useful in finding some support so close to when you are about to need it the most, when the new LO is here, or before he gets worse.

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  • I am so, so sorry you are in this position, but I'm glad you posted something so other people can help support you.

    Are you eligible for any kind of emergency assistance or support through your job? Not that you have any free time, but it sounds like you could benefit from some counseling and support as well, in addition to being able to share everything maybe they would have some advice on dealing with your husband? I've done phone counseling through work before during a difficult time where I couldn't get in to see someone, and it was very helpful to me.

    100% you are doing the right thing.


  • I'm so sorry to hear you're going through that but I applaud your strength to do what's best for your children. Like PP have mentioned, not every mother makes the same decision and the results are horrible. I really hope that your husband realizes what he is doing to not only himself but to his family as well and gets the help he needs. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers. 
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  • I am so sorry for everything you're going through. Over mother's day this year, my mom finally went into rehab/AA after probably 20 years of alcoholism. I was lucky that she at least always had the sense to never drive with us in the car (as far as I know, I guess), but our relationship is strained because of it.  Like others have said, you should be so proud of yourself for standing strong for yourself and your kids. It is incredibly hard and painful to do, even when you know it's the best for everyone.  Good luck, and good for you.
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  • Seriously this is so hard to do and you are being so strong. I know it's scary but you know you're doing the right thing. 
    <3 good luck with everything, I'll be thinking of you
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  • @SuperFudge00 keep us updated! We are here for you!
  • RG1RG1
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    I have nothing to add to what PPs have said, just extra encouragement that you are doing the right thing. I hope he will attend the counselling appointment with you today. We will be thinking about you!
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  • At this point I don't know that AA would be all that beneficial for him. I think rehab would probably be a better solution because he'd have to stop drinking and his head would be able to become clear, plus it involves counseling and AA within it. Can you reach out to anyone close to him for help getting through to him? You are absolutely making the right choice keeping your vehicles away from him. Even still if something major happened because he was using someone else's, it could effect anything you own together. I know some other ladies mentioned it and I agree that you should look into attending Al-anon meetings yourself to get some support and maybe information on resources available. I'm sorry you are going through this. 


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  • Just echoing what everyone else has said here. You are doing what's right for your children. I know it's hard. Just know we're here if you need to vent/talk/what have you and you are most definitely NOT AW'ing!
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  • RG1RG1
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    Agreed with @runningisrad....I meant to add that you are not AWing with this post
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  • ashtasht
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    I think if he is willing to do therapy start there without the AA stipulation. Like another poster said he might be more receptive to hear that from an outside person. Typically when relationships start to sour it's because we get sick of only hearing our negatives (wether this is all that is said or not). 

    Good luck! And in the mean time you can raise your kids on your own. It will seem tough but you will be amazed at what your able to do when you have no choice. 
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  • @pilotswifey so happy you are doing so well in your sobriety. I agree with Al-anon.  My grandfather drank very heavily and it was a godsend to my grandmother.

    @SuperFudge00 stay strong.  You are doing a great job and go to Al-anon or other counseling.  Don't let him guilt you at all.  He needs to want to change in order to change.

    I am really worried about stepson.  Is there any way you can take him or other family member?   
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  • @SuperFudge00 as hard as your situation is right now I really commend you for putting your children first. I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said but will be thinking of you and praying for your situation. Stay strong! 
    JWarfield726reesaXden
  • ajn092ajn092
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    Agree with what PP have said but also wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you have to go through this. You are such a strong woman and will get through this. We're here for you anytime you need to vent and want to provide any support we can. 
    Me - 33  DH - 36
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  • Sounds like you are doing what's best for you and your babies.  Don't ever doubt your Mama Bear instinct!  Being a single mom will be difficult, but you will find the strength is there when you need it.  Don't ever hesitate to ask for help.  I don't know if you're a religious woman, but if you are, pray for strength.  I will do the same. <3
  • SuperFudge00SuperFudge00
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited July 2016
    Wrong quote

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  • @pilotswifey so happy you are doing so well in your sobriety. I agree with Al-anon.  My grandfather drank very heavily and it was a godsend to my grandmother.

    @SuperFudge00 stay strong.  You are doing a great job and go to Al-anon or other counseling.  Don't let him guilt you at all.  He needs to want to change in order to change.

    I am really worried about stepson.  Is there any way you can take him or other family member?   
    His mother is back and will either pick him up tonight or tomorrow.

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  • I don't have much more to add than anyone else, just wanted to extend my condolences that you have had such stress thrust on you, especially at this late stage of pregnancy. I admire the strength and resolve that you portrayed in your post. I'm not sure if be handling this as clear headedly as you are. Good job for sticking up for yourself and for your sons, they are lucky to have you as a mom.

    My father is an alcoholic however he quit drinking before I was born as it was tearing apart my parent's marriage. They've never glossed over this fact with me and my sibling, it was either my father quit drinking or the marriage was done. They worked together and took counseling to move past the alcohol and are still together today and my father will not touch alcohol even now (35 years + later). Unfortunately, one must want this in order for change to happen and I hope that your husband comes around and you both can work through this together.

    The one positive aspect that you can take away from this, you've got a great group of (online) ladies who are here to support you! 
    SuperFudge00
  • drmh22drmh22
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    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am happy, however, that you felt safe enough here to share and look for support within our group. 
    My mom is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. It's not a good example and it's not the best life for children. You are doing an amazing thing by finding the strength to do what is best for your boys. I sincerely hope that he sticks to his decision to go to AA. Please come here any time you need some extra support. 
    SuperFudge00JWarfield726
  • Sorry to hear about your DS' fall and subsequent stitches. :( poor guy. Glad to hear your husband has decided to go to AA. I hope he sticks to his word.  
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