@TinaTho I hear you on the breastfeeding. It was going well at first but now it's causing me so much stress. Every day I'm crying because she's not gaining enough weight, or the LC wants me to try something else (that probably won't work), or because all I'm doing all day/night is feeding and pumping.
@TinaTho - I could have written what you did word for word. You're not alone, mama. Supposedly it gets better at 3 months, but I am not feeling like breastfeeding will get any better any time soon. Like @PYLWhammy I feel like pumping and attempting to breastfeed is all I do. I'm just the milk lady.
@TinaTho - I could have written what you did word for word. You're not alone, mama. Supposedly it gets better at 3 months, but I am not feeling like breastfeeding will get any better any time soon. Like @PYLWhammy I feel like pumping and attempting to breastfeed is all I do. I'm just the milk lady.
You and me both! My girls are 2.5 months now though and I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Breastfeeding and pumping is still hard but I feel like the routine is easier
With my son it took about 5-6 weeks of stress, pain, and around the clock work until breastfeeding clicked for us, and it was great after that, nursed him until 16 months. It was totally worth it for me in the long run, but seriously- if you think you'll be happier if you're not stressing about BF'ing, don't do it! Or take a lower-stress mixed feeding approach. Having a happy & healthy mama confers so many more benefits than breast milk ever can.
After I had my mini meltdown and cried my eyes out to my DH- he actually suggested that I stop pumping! He felt like it was just adding unnecessary stress to an already stressful situation. He felt that since LO was thriving, we would be fine to make the total switch to formula. I wound up lessening my pumping sessions to twice per day instead of 8 times. I've been feeling better the past couple of days, so slowly but surely I am increasing the pumping again. I can totally relate to you all- I needed those couple of days to not be a slave to my pump, LO, cats and chores. Do what is right for yourselves and your LOs, not what society wants us to do. To be honest, the only reason I am still pumping and giving LO BM is because I'm trying not to spend a million dollars on formula! Out of the approximate 8 feeds a day, I aim to have 4 be BM. I myself as well as many other people I know grew up solely on formula and we are all just fine!
Thank you for all of the responses, makes me feel better that I am not alone in this.
@Bellodomani I keep thinking if I can just tough it out to 6 weeks that it will pay off. And experiences like yours are what keeps me going (I have many friends/fam who say the same). EBF was making me hysterical and as much as pumping is annoying it has allowed me to retain some of my sanity (just not all).
@Nicbert1214 Both times I've been newly postpartum I've thought, it's a good thing that our partners don't have the same hormone swings we do after birth, because someone needs to be able to talk sanity into us. My husband can be kind of a dick sometimes when he doesn't understand why I'm so emotional, but he also has the ability to see the situation more objectively and give me the perspective that I need to hear.
@TinaTho It's funny, I think another mom at church had told me the same thing with my first- that it took her about 6 weeks but they got the hang of it, and I just clung to it! I told myself, you can do anything for 6 weeks and if it's still awful when you get there, you can stop. And it totally worked!
@Nicbert1214 Both times I've been newly postpartum I've thought, it's a good thing that our partners don't have the same hormone swings we do after birth, because someone needs to be able to talk sanity into us. My husband can be kind of a dick sometimes when he doesn't understand why I'm so emotional, but he also has the ability to see the situation more objectively and give me the perspective that I need to hear.
Omg lol can you even imagine? That would be absolutely disastrous! Yea my husband looked at me and was like why the hell are you crying?! He is definitely the more rational one thank God lol and like your husband he is able to make me see things clearer and lower my anxiety.
Just spent the day at my in-laws and it was such a relief to have them fuss over my baby while I kinda take a break. My mother took me shopping so it was heaven. The baby slept all day and I did have to feed/change him, but I felt so much more confident with my in-laws surrounding me and helping when my baby got fussy. My husband was also able to sleep about 3 hours while the in-laws watched baby. I felt so much love, warmth and security that I wanted to just stay there all night! And for weeks! MIL said that we can stay as long as we like and I was so happy. I might take baby out there tomorrow again and perhaps stay about 2 days. I realize that we need more help because I'm still in C-section recovery and we're both FT parents not sure what to do. Hubs takes the night shift and I take the day shift, though I'm a bit scared of it because I still wake up very sleepy. So we're both sleep deprived. Being at my in laws means I can focus on recovery with help.
My OBGYN's nurse practitioner saw me and let me bawl my eyes out. She just said that she's hesitant to prescribe me anything since it's only been a week since LO was born. She truly thinks that this will pass, but to call back in about a week or two if things don't improve. The main thing is not to have thoughts of hurting myself or the baby. I still dont feel very bonded, but I feel so much better than before.
I'm feeling a ton of pressure from different people in my life, here seems like the only place to be able to express that: 1. DH, who is constantly talking about having sex and "let's try and put him to sleep so we can have sex". I've never felt less sexy in my life, except maybe when I've had the flu. Plus, it's not like he wants to talk to me about actual stuff lately (granted its mostly different baby rearing theories and shows I've watched) so I feel like I went from a being his weird roommate who he shared a bed with and never had sex with to basically a vagina who talks sometimes. He even went to a pregnancy website to see if anal was okay before your pp appointment. 2. Ezra has been really needy these past few days (thank you fellow bumpies for helping me see it's a growth spurt!!) which means he won't be consoled by anyone but me. 3. The poor dog has the worst days, stuck with me but I can't really play or entertain him. I'd make DH do it but he seems to be so tired after work all he wants to do is zone out. 4. Why is my house always messy?! I'm one of those people who can't relax unless I'm in a calm environment but I'm always turning around and something is messy again. It's stressing me out.
@JoMunson Wow, I would actually murder my husband if he tried to pressure me to have sex right now. We waited until 3 months pp last time because I was really nervous, and all he ever said was, I'm ready when you are, just let me know. I think I'll be ready much sooner this time, I only had 1 stitch and just emotionally I feel a lot better, but at least I know that if I wanted to wait that long (or longer) again, he'd be fine with it. He knows he has my full permission to do whatever he needs to do to get by in the meantime, but honestly I think the postpartum period must affect him somewhat as well because both time he just hasn't seemed that interested in the early weeks. I'm sorry your man is being a pain, that's got to feel crappy on top of all the other things that are rough about this season of life
Someone shared this this on the Facebook page and I had to share it here... It made me cry. It's everything I feel except I struggle to call it love at all right now
Had a last few good days mainly because we camped at the in-laws and they basically took care of everything. Then today, LO was so fussy and wouldn't be put down for any naps. He seems grumpy and uncomfortable after feeding. I'm currently in the computer room locked up and crying. I hate seeing my son like this. I feel so sad and I don't feel like doing this anymore
I guess my expectation wasn't that I would be the soul care giver for my baby all fucking day and all fucking night. DH is home with a cold and I told him I was tired and put the baby in his crib and said I was gunna take a nap and since there was a bottle in the fridge could he please handle the next wake up. Five minutes later Ezra's crying and I said "aren't you going to help him?" And he goes "no, he's not getting louder". i feel like I have to freak out and lock myself away to get him to take care of his kid and that is really exhausting. I thought at least at the end of the day or weekends he would want to take care of him more if he had been fed so I could have some time to myself. It's horrible to say, but I'm not sure what exactly id miss out on right now as a single parent (except my best friend)
I guess my expectation wasn't that I would be the soul care giver for my baby all fucking day and all fucking night. DH is home with a cold and I told him I was tired and put the baby in his crib and said I was gunna take a nap and since there was a bottle in the fridge could he please handle the next wake up. Five minutes later Ezra's crying and I said "aren't you going to help him?" And he goes "no, he's not getting louder". i feel like I have to freak out and lock myself away to get him to take care of his kid and that is really exhausting. I thought at least at the end of the day or weekends he would want to take care of him more if he had been fed so I could have some time to myself. It's horrible to say, but I'm not sure what exactly id miss out on right now as a single parent (except my best friend)
I guess my expectation wasn't that I would be the soul care giver for my baby all fucking day and all fucking night. DH is home with a cold and I told him I was tired and put the baby in his crib and said I was gunna take a nap and since there was a bottle in the fridge could he please handle the next wake up. Five minutes later Ezra's crying and I said "aren't you going to help him?" And he goes "no, he's not getting louder". i feel like I have to freak out and lock myself away to get him to take care of his kid and that is really exhausting. I thought at least at the end of the day or weekends he would want to take care of him more if he had been fed so I could have some time to myself. It's horrible to say, but I'm not sure what exactly id miss out on right now as a single parent (except my best friend)
This. All day. Every effing day.
I pumped two bottles and left for an hour (angry driving woo!) and when I came back I took a bath so I basically took an hour and a half break from mommy hood and I asked if he wanted to talk and he said no and wouldn't even look at me. Sorry I made you spend time with your kid when you weren't feeling well? i think he only wanted to be a dad for the fun parts, and there isn't a lot of fun in the early months.
@JoMunson I hear you. Lucy gets fussy just around the time MH gets home from work and she stays this way till midnight. It used to last till 3 am so at least it is getting better. I ask MH to watch her for 30 minutes or so per night so I can finally shower and wash my hair so I can feel like a person and not just a milk bag and spit-up surface for the baby. Every single day we have to go through the same thing. Lucy cries because there isn't a boob in her face ( she isn't even hungry . . . she just wants to comfort nurse 24 hours ) MH cant deal with it and practically throws her at me when I get out of the bath which freaking out about how the baby hates him. He has had this freak out so many times that I don't even bother trying to shower at night now unless he offers to watch her. He doesn't really understand that Lucy doesn't like me either when she is like that . . . she only likes my boobs.
When I try and tell him that I really need an hour to be myself and not just a mom I get the "I have a full time job!" response as if I am not with LO taking care of her 24 hours. The annoying thing is that even though he gets really depressed and angry after 30 minutes of spending time with her he never thinks "Oh wow . . . my wife does this ALL DAY!" It's such an annoying contradiction.
The eves have become my most stressful time now. It used to be days alone that got me but now I can feel MH's stress from her crying and it makes me stressed out as if I should be better at getting her to stop. This is all exasperated by the fact that she is extra grouchy this week from her immunizations.
I guess my expectation wasn't that I would be the soul care giver for my baby all fucking day and all fucking night. DH is home with a cold and I told him I was tired and put the baby in his crib and said I was gunna take a nap and since there was a bottle in the fridge could he please handle the next wake up. Five minutes later Ezra's crying and I said "aren't you going to help him?" And he goes "no, he's not getting louder". i feel like I have to freak out and lock myself away to get him to take care of his kid and that is really exhausting. I thought at least at the end of the day or weekends he would want to take care of him more if he had been fed so I could have some time to myself. It's horrible to say, but I'm not sure what exactly id miss out on right now as a single parent (except my best friend)
You're certainly not alone. I begged DH to please take DS and let me sleep a couple Extra hours on Sunday morning as I am the one up all night with DS. So just as I get back to sleep all snuggled up and cozy... DH comes storming in the bedroom holding DS frustrated and shouting at me that DS was super fussy and he had tried everything to calm him but he was done. Hmmmmmmmmm yaaaaaaa how about that is my life all day everyday when DH is at work. Omg I was so pissed. So yeah I feel you about your single parent comment.
@JoMunson I hear you. Lucy gets fussy just around the time MH gets home from work and she stays this way till midnight. It used to last till 3 am so at least it is getting better. I ask MH to watch her for 30 minutes or so per night so I can finally shower and wash my hair so I can feel like a person and not just a milk bag and spit-up surface for the baby. Every single day we have to go through the same thing. Lucy cries because there isn't a boob in her face ( she isn't even hungry . . . she just wants to comfort nurse 24 hours ) MH cant deal with it and practically throws her at me when I get out of the bath which freaking out about how the baby hates him. He has had this freak out so many times that I don't even bother trying to shower at night now unless he offers to watch her. He doesn't really understand that Lucy doesn't like me either when she is like that . . . she only likes my boobs.
When I try and tell him that I really need an hour to be myself and not just a mom I get the "I have a full time job!" response as if I am not with LO taking care of her 24 hours. The annoying thing is that even though he gets really depressed and angry after 30 minutes of spending time with her he never thinks "Oh wow . . . my wife does this ALL DAY!" It's such an annoying contradiction.
The eves have become my most stressful time now. It used to be days alone that got me but now I can feel MH's stress from her crying and it makes me stressed out as if I should be better at getting her to stop. This is all exasperated by the fact that she is extra grouchy this week from her immunizations.
Anybody else noticing their moods being affected by how much sleep and/or food they are getting? The more tired I am and the longer I go between meals (I'm still having to remind and force myself to eat), the less positive I feel. I'm not just talking about general crankiness; I can feel myself sort of "sinking" down inside (for lack of a better way to put it) and if it wasn't for LO I'd be paralyzed on the couch. I also can't stop crying for no reason and I'm much more paranoid about things and my anxiety levels skyrocket. Versus when I have slept some and I've been able to eat - I'm actually able to enjoy motherhood and do the extra stuff I need to do (laundry etc) and interact more with my baby.
DH has five straight days of twelve hour night shifts in a busy ER coming up, and when he comes home in the morning he'll sleep 8-10 hours before he gets up, which means I won't be getting much sleep during that time. I'm absolutely terrified of how LO and I are going to get through those five days (especially as we should be hitting the five week developmental leap around then) considering how sleep deprived I'll be. I *might* be able to get some help from my mom, but that's up in the air right now.
Gah, I don't know where I was going with this, but I needed a place to whine and this seemed like the most appropriate thread for it, I guess? So ready for LO to sleep through the night so I can feel like myself again.
I guess my expectation wasn't that I would be the soul care giver for my baby all fucking day and all fucking night. DH is home with a cold and I told him I was tired and put the baby in his crib and said I was gunna take a nap and since there was a bottle in the fridge could he please handle the next wake up. Five minutes later Ezra's crying and I said "aren't you going to help him?" And he goes "no, he's not getting louder". i feel like I have to freak out and lock myself away to get him to take care of his kid and that is really exhausting. I thought at least at the end of the day or weekends he would want to take care of him more if he had been fed so I could have some time to myself. It's horrible to say, but I'm not sure what exactly id miss out on right now as a single parent (except my best friend)
This. All day. Every effing day.
Wow... glad to hear I'm not alone in this. DH also likes to point out that he has a full time job to go to (because we're all just sitting around eating bonbons, right?). I would love to be back at work now. He doesn't get off the hook as much because we have twins and, well, they require 4 hands. But he never takes night duty, even when he offers it in advance. He says he's just going to put them in the cribs they haven't slept in and turn the monitor sounds off. Brilliant plan. He's also done the dumping both babies on me at 1 am with the "I'm done" line.
Today, though, I'm getting regretful looks and the silent treatment. We found out our furnace in our new house needs replacing and he made it a point to remind me that if I hadn't wanted the house and talked him into it this never would have happened. As if I don't have enough guilt about trying (and failing) to breastfeed and not being able to calm two crying babies at the same time. We normally feed the babies together on the loveseat but he silently just took Elise upstairs. Well guess I have something new to cry about for the next few days.
I guess my expectation wasn't that I would be the soul care giver for my baby all fucking day and all fucking night. DH is home with a cold and I told him I was tired and put the baby in his crib and said I was gunna take a nap and since there was a bottle in the fridge could he please handle the next wake up. Five minutes later Ezra's crying and I said "aren't you going to help him?" And he goes "no, he's not getting louder". i feel like I have to freak out and lock myself away to get him to take care of his kid and that is really exhausting. I thought at least at the end of the day or weekends he would want to take care of him more if he had been fed so I could have some time to myself. It's horrible to say, but I'm not sure what exactly id miss out on right now as a single parent (except my best friend)
This. All day. Every effing day.
Wow... glad to hear I'm not alone in this. DH also likes to point out that he has a full time job to go to (because we're all just sitting around eating bonbons, right?). I would love to be back at work now. He doesn't get off the hook as much because we have twins and, well, they require 4 hands. But he never takes night duty, even when he offers it in advance. He says he's just going to put them in the cribs they haven't slept in and turn the monitor sounds off. Brilliant plan. He's also done the dumping both babies on me at 1 am with the "I'm done" line.
Today, though, I'm getting regretful looks and the silent treatment. We found out our furnace in our new house needs replacing and he made it a point to remind me that if I hadn't wanted the house and talked him into it this never would have happened. As if I don't have enough guilt about trying (and failing) to breastfeed and not being able to calm two crying babies at the same time. We normally feed the babies together on the loveseat but he silently just took Elise upstairs. Well guess I have something new to cry about for the next few days.
I really don't get it at all. The compassionate part of me wants to believe those articles about dads feeling out of step or like failures so they leave everything to mom but you have to spend time with your kid. im extra sensitive too because my dad wasn't around and just talked about being a good dad and being there and then would flake, and I really don't want to believe DH is the same way.
I guess my expectation wasn't that I would be the soul care giver for my baby all fucking day and all fucking night. DH is home with a cold and I told him I was tired and put the baby in his crib and said I was gunna take a nap and since there was a bottle in the fridge could he please handle the next wake up. Five minutes later Ezra's crying and I said "aren't you going to help him?" And he goes "no, he's not getting louder". i feel like I have to freak out and lock myself away to get him to take care of his kid and that is really exhausting. I thought at least at the end of the day or weekends he would want to take care of him more if he had been fed so I could have some time to myself. It's horrible to say, but I'm not sure what exactly id miss out on right now as a single parent (except my best friend)
This. All day. Every effing day.
Wow... glad to hear I'm not alone in this. DH also likes to point out that he has a full time job to go to (because we're all just sitting around eating bonbons, right?). I would love to be back at work now. He doesn't get off the hook as much because we have twins and, well, they require 4 hands. But he never takes night duty, even when he offers it in advance. He says he's just going to put them in the cribs they haven't slept in and turn the monitor sounds off. Brilliant plan. He's also done the dumping both babies on me at 1 am with the "I'm done" line.
Today, though, I'm getting regretful looks and the silent treatment. We found out our furnace in our new house needs replacing and he made it a point to remind me that if I hadn't wanted the house and talked him into it this never would have happened. As if I don't have enough guilt about trying (and failing) to breastfeed and not being able to calm two crying babies at the same time. We normally feed the babies together on the loveseat but he silently just took Elise upstairs. Well guess I have something new to cry about for the next few days.
Ohhhh I hate when they lay on the guilt! Dh has this all the time too. Yesterday I picked up a Father's Day card for his dad. When he gets home he asked me if I mailed it. I didn't, thinking he would like to sign it since you know, it's HIS dad. He starts mumbling that he worked all day, now he has to go back out to buy a stamp and mail it. We live a block away from the mail box. Just do it. I'm sooooooooo sorry I assumed you would like to sign and see the card. Jesus.
The word "divorce" has floated in my head time and again. I'm not saying I want a divorce but I can see how people go that route. For example, dh has colitis and a week after baby was born he had a flare up. I understand that he feels like death when he has a flare up and is really sick. But he had the nerve to say that holding her when he was sick "hurt his stomach". Really??? How does he think my stomach felt after being cut open. I could barely bed over to pick her up, but it needed to be done. On the weekends, it's still like I'm home alone with her. He doesn't offer to do the motn feedings. Doesn't try to change her diaper. Gets annoyed if I ask him to hold her. He gets to take 2 hour naps while I don't get any. He gives her about 10 minutes of face time. It pisses me off, but in the long run, when she's a mamas girl and only comforted by me, he will hopefully be regretful that he didn't put time into bonding with her when she was little and impressionable. He actually told me last night that I run to her when she's crying and it's ok to let her cry. He is off in August when I go back to work, and will be taking over in August before she starts daycare in September and it honestly worries me...
@joemunson, articles or not, the behavior you've all described is a choice. DH works full time while I'm staying home with LO and my experience with him is completely different than what you've described. It's ok to expect time to bathe, or eat, or nap, or change clothes, or get time off of the night shift or diaper duty. And you shouldn't have to ask or feel bad! Fathers are just as capable of caring for their child as well if not better than mom, but it's a choice not to tap out. And for any of you with husband's who need personal time to play video games or be on the computer, both can be done with a sleeping baby on your chest. I see DH do it everyday. I want to kick your husband's because you all deserve better.
Thank you! I know my husband is a great guy but it's like you said, I shouldn't have to ask for my break. I feel like we're a super in sync couple usually but I just feel really isolated and alone even when he's home since he went back to work.
@joemunson, articles or not, the behavior you've all described is a choice. DH works full time while I'm staying home with LO and my experience with him is completely different than what you've described. It's ok to expect time to bathe, or eat, or nap, or change clothes, or get time off of the night shift or diaper duty. And you shouldn't have to ask or feel bad! Fathers are just as capable of caring for their child as well if not better than mom, but it's a choice not to tap out. And for any of you with husband's who need personal time to play video games or be on the computer, both can be done with a sleeping baby on your chest. I see DH do it everyday. I want to kick your husband's because you all deserve better.
@amberraysofdawn My husband is out of town right now between 5-6 weeks. It'll be okay. It's challenging, but I try to calm the anxiety by telling myself that at worst she'll cry, and I won't get sleep. Both of which I was dealing with before anyway. Also, eventually those days will pass and be over, and your husband will be back.
See - she's currently crying on my boob and not eating right now. But, I can still say life is good. <---- Trying to take the power of positive thinking approach.
@amberraysofdawn My husband is out of town right now between 5-6 weeks. It'll be okay. It's challenging, but I try to calm the anxiety by telling myself that at worst she'll cry, and I won't get sleep. Both of which I was dealing with before anyway. Also, eventually those days will pass and be over, and your husband will be back.
See - she's currently crying on my boob and not eating right now. But, I can still say life is good. <---- Trying to take the power of positive thinking approach.
I've been trying this present moment meditation- the idea is that the future never comes as the future but only as the present moment so just experience it since a few minutes ago you were hoping for the future. It helps for a few minutes
Let me start off by saying I completely trust DH with DS AND that DH is a good guy BUT I am struggling. I know he will be fine when I go back to work in two weeks (DH is a teacher and off for the summer hence will be the FT care taker), but lets be honest I am pretty worried. The closer it comes the more stressed I get. I am hoping that DH will get his shit together when he doesn't have me to rely on for 10 hours, but I am doing 90% of the work here. I have done the MOTN work for 7 weeks now, I also do majority of the feedings/changings/play times during the day time. On top of that I still do all the laundry, take care of meals and attempt to pick up and keep the house clean. He always says let me know if you need any help, but he doesn't take the initiative on anything. There will be dirty bottles that need washing or the diaper bag needs to be taken out, and he waits until I ask or beg him to please help me. MEN do not understand how offering help goes a LONG way. DH will occasionally change a diaper or hold him, but gives up when DS starts to fuss or cry. He claims DS doesn't like him and he "isn't good at it like mommy". I love my son and I am happy to do all of this, but its very frustrating when DH cat naps in and out all day or plays video games. I get resentful when I'm dog tired back aching like hell trying to soothe DS and I can hear him snoring on the couch. Now that DS is awake most of the day its a lot of work. DS gets bored and needs stimulation, he cannot just be put in the mamaroo or PnP and sleep all day, like DH thinks he can do like when DS was one week old. DH doesnt understand that DS needs new environments all day, DH doesn't understand why DS can't just nap with him on the couch all day and watch TV. No matter how much I try to explain he just doesnt get it, he will only get it when HE is alone being daddy day care in two weeks. ARGHH. I finally had melt down last night and called him out on some of it, I told him if I need a break (like a shower, to eat or god forbid sleep in an hour or two) he needs to put his big boy pants on and let me have some time WITHOUT interruption. I told him he cannot give up because its getting hard - figure it the F out. I mean good Lord what does he think I did when he was at work the last six weeks, I didnt and STILL dont just get to give up. I think the hardest part is we had a really good marriage and relationship before DS, but I can see now how having a child really can change things. We had our first real fight where we didnt say good night or speak for a whole day AND that is not like us at all. This adjustment period is really hard for both of us in many different ways. Even when I get some rare alone time all i want to do is use that time to cry because I am so tired, stressed and frustrated. I am hoping when I go back to work things will get better as I will be out of the house all day with more adult contact. I will miss DS greatly, but I know it will be good for me, and also to make DH step up his game. What is comforting is reading PP stories, vent sessions and knowing I am not alone with how I feel and my situation with DH. So thank you mamma's.
@wsgjmw1 I had similar feelings when my DD was born...she's now almost 3 years old. What helped me the most was reminding myself that my child was safe and well taken care of when with her father. I think it's hard for us Mamas to let go and allow our SO's to do things differently, aka not the way that we do them So as silly as it may feel, just remind yourself that your baby is safe and is in good hands with DH. It may also be helpful for you to make small trips out solo; think groceries, pedicure, hair appointment, etc before you have to go back to work. Small incremental trips out will help you both build confidence that you can do this. Best of luck!
I can't. I woke up today thinking "I don't want to do this. Not today. I can't." and tried to shut the door so that DH can deal with the baby when he wakes up. My anxiety is through the roof - the fact that LO gets to sleep only via being held by my husband (develops bad habits I know). During the evening, my LO is fussy and probably because he wants to be held. This wasn't a problem before and now it is. Today at Walmart, I told my husband all this. I also said, as we were headed home, "I can do this. I can go in there and be with the baby." He was so startled that he demands that I call the doctor tomorrow to ask for Zoloft. I think he's right. This isn't normal thoughts.
I don't know if it's helpful but here's what I've tried that's helped:
DH is in the middle of opening his bar so he's incredibly busy, working well over 40 hours a week. I get this, but I also need some relief from newborn duty so I don't lose my mind. I let him know that I know he's very busy and exhausted as well, but that I needed him to pull a little bit more weight around the house and with LO. He admitted that he was terrified of being a father and agreed to try and help more. At first he was trying to take care of LO, who would then start crying and inevitably end up back in my arms since she's EBF. So what was supposed to be an hour break for me turned into 15 minutes. No good. After a few failed attempts, I suggested we schedule time. We actually put time in our iCal in the morning and evening for me. I do whatever I want, shower, sleep, clean house, get outside, get a massage. . . I'll admit that it doesn't always work, and that it definitely works better when I leave the house, but it seems to work for the most part. He actually came into the bathroom while I was taking a shower tonight and was like HELP SHE IS SO PISSED OFF! I was like sorry bro, I'm taking a shower, see y'all in an hour. When I came out she was happy and calm, he was happy he was able to calm her, and I was happy I had some time to myself.
I think I know what's feeding my depression - reading about EVERYTHING on Google and being scared silly. Baby sleep at incline? DANGEROUS. Sleep in Pack n Play napper? DANGEROUS. Hold him to sleep? NO. BAD HABITS. I'm literally second guessing everything I do with my baby.
My husband was the diaper changing, swaddler guru before he went back to work post paternity leave. I cried and flipped out the night before he went back to work after several failed attempts at swaddling. "I'll never be able to put her to sleep!" I had to do the entire night shift to let him sleep before flying the next day. Now, 4 weeks later, I can swaddle just fine and found swaddling alternatives for the night.
When my mom went home after 3 weeks, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle anything during the day. Again, I cried. 3 weeks later, I've been able to shower every single day, I haven't missed one meal even if I may be eating with one hand, and we all make it to my husband getting home.
Now, my husband is out of town and I'm doing day, evening, and night all alone. I was terrified for him to leave. He's the one that makes dinner and holds her while I eat. He's the one that bounces her in her witching hour. He's the one that does the late night diaper changes and putting back to bed. I just pull out my boob and surf the bump. I am totally spoiled, so now that I have no choice but to do it myself, it's given me a bit more confidence. If something doesn't work, I try something else. I wanted to cry tonight as she was having her melt down, screaming at my boob, spraying poop on me, but we made it through and she's snoozing in her rock n play before one final feeding before official bed.
@Delitachan Be patient with yourself, and don't be afraid. Your husband is good at these things because he got a head start. You're going to be just as good at soothing and taking care of your baby once you take care of yourself. I get anxiety when I feel like life is overwhelming me, and I have to take it one thing at a time. Focus on getting yourself right, and the rest will come. Creepy Internet hugs.
I think I know what's feeding my depression - reading about EVERYTHING on Google and being scared silly. Baby sleep at incline? DANGEROUS. Sleep in Pack n Play napper? DANGEROUS. Hold him to sleep? NO. BAD HABITS. I'm literally second guessing everything I do with my baby.
I read a great book called beyond the sling that did help me with this anxiety- mayim balik says the important thing to remember is you're the best parent for your baby, so just do what your instincts tell you.
@wsgjmw1, my husband is the same way. With everything: chores, going places, DD. "Just let me know what you need." That is his tagline and while it can be helpful, I don't have the time or energy to take care of DD and look for things for him to do. I especially didn't have it the first two weeks after DD was born. I snapped at him one morning after the 5 am feeding, asking him to take her if she fusses to top her off with the bottle while I pumped. She cried, he did nothing. I got the "Just let me know what you need" line. I spit back that I did and I shouldn't have to ask for him to take care of his daughter. He was mopey for the rest of the day after that and helps out more since then.
Lately I've been feeling like I'm not that great of a mom. In the first few weeks, all DD did was sleep. Now that she is having more time where she is awake and alert, I just don't know what to do with her. She isn't old enough to play with her like you would a toddler. I'm not a huge talker; on days when I'm home by myself, I don't talk and constantly talking to her about everything seems like verbal vomit, which I hate. I know it isn't useless and she's hearing me and learning, and I don't not talk to her. I just don't spend every moment talking to her. My mom sent time with her this morning while I ran errands and when I came back, I heard all about how DD was so alert and she was smiling (still only the sleepy/poop/toot smiles) and making noises, she discovered and was exploring different textures, she loves certain toys and watching the ceiling fan. I told my mom I must be pretty boring because in an hour and a half, I don't see that much engagement with her. I know I need to engage in more active things with her. I do tummy time (though she hates it), we play on the activity mat and in an activity chair. I read and sing to her. I just feel like I don't get the response from her. She also still hasn't smiled and while I know it can take longer for some babies, I just want to see and know that she really does enjoy being with me and that I'm doing something right for her. Since my mom sees more interaction from her than I have, I equate that to she's doing something right and I'm not. I have realized that I don't like the newborn stage. Maybe it is the teacher in me but I like getting feedback on what children are experiencing. I like the interaction and engagement and knowing they are learning, that they like or don't like something. Newborns don't have that ability. I don't want to wish this time away because I know I will not get it back but I also can't wait until she's able to interact with us more.
@Pomegranate1983 That's funny that you say that, because I'm a teacher too (I teach preschool/ kindergarten) and both times I've been pregnant everyone has said, oh you'll be such a great mom, you're so good with young kids, etc, but the newborn stage just isn't for me! I just find it so boring to be constantly tied to this person who doesn't interact at all. I will say, it's much better this time around because I have my son around all day too, and he's really entertaining to be around. Don't put pressure on yourself to be having all these rich interactions every day, especially at this stage. Just do what you need to do to get through the day, if there's anything that you do enjoy about this stage try to find some satisfaction in that (for example, for whatever reason both of my kids have taken to nursing really well and gained weight really quickly, and that's weirdly satisfying to me to see like an actual tangible result of where my time is all going). One day soon your baby will start to be more alert & responsive, and she'll know who you are and you'll find your own ways of interacting with her.
I find myself back on this thread after a few rough days. Today I decided to set up an appointment with the therapist for next week because I have come to terms with the fact that these awful feelings are not just going to go away on their own. I am so saddened that all that excitement and joy I felt while I was pregnant has completely vanished and I want my old life back with DH. I know a lot of FTMs or any moms for that matter feel this way, and people keep telling me it will get better, but quite honestly, I just can't see that happening at all. I find myself wishing I could turn back time to the day DH and I decided to try for a baby, and it just kills me to think like that.
Welp, I finally caved and my doctor prescribed Pristiq for me. I take my first dose tomorrow and let's hope it helps. My DH has to now care for the baby 24/7 while I adjust to this medication.
Re: PPD/Baby Blues
@Bellodomani I keep thinking if I can just tough it out to 6 weeks that it will pay off. And experiences like yours are what keeps me going (I have many friends/fam who say the same). EBF was making me hysterical and as much as pumping is annoying it has allowed me to retain some of my sanity (just not all).
@TinaTho It's funny, I think another mom at church had told me the same thing with my first- that it took her about 6 weeks but they got the hang of it, and I just clung to it! I told myself, you can do anything for 6 weeks and if it's still awful when you get there, you can stop. And it totally worked!
I felt so much love, warmth and security that I wanted to just stay there all night! And for weeks! MIL said that we can stay as long as we like and I was so happy. I might take baby out there tomorrow again and perhaps stay about 2 days. I realize that we need more help because I'm still in C-section recovery and we're both FT parents not sure what to do. Hubs takes the night shift and I take the day shift, though I'm a bit scared of it because I still wake up very sleepy. So we're both sleep deprived. Being at my in laws means I can focus on recovery with help.
My OBGYN's nurse practitioner saw me and let me bawl my eyes out. She just said that she's hesitant to prescribe me anything since it's only been a week since LO was born. She truly thinks that this will pass, but to call back in about a week or two if things don't improve. The main thing is not to have thoughts of hurting myself or the baby. I still dont feel very bonded, but I feel so much better than before.
1. DH, who is constantly talking about having sex and "let's try and put him to sleep so we can have sex". I've never felt less sexy in my life, except maybe when I've had the flu. Plus, it's not like he wants to talk to me about actual stuff lately (granted its mostly different baby rearing theories and shows I've watched) so I feel like I went from a being his weird roommate who he shared a bed with and never had sex with to basically a vagina who talks sometimes. He even went to a pregnancy website to see if anal was okay before your pp appointment.
2. Ezra has been really needy these past few days (thank you fellow bumpies for helping me see it's a growth spurt!!) which means he won't be consoled by anyone but me.
3. The poor dog has the worst days, stuck with me but I can't really play or entertain him. I'd make DH do it but he seems to be so tired after work all he wants to do is zone out.
4. Why is my house always messy?! I'm one of those people who can't relax unless I'm in a calm environment but I'm always turning around and something is messy again. It's stressing me out.
Someone shared this this on the Facebook page and I had to share it here... It made me cry. It's everything I feel except I struggle to call it love at all right now
Married: Oct 20, 2013
BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
EDD 1: May 12, 2016
DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)
BFP 2: October 07, 2019
EDD 2: June 20, 2020
i feel like I have to freak out and lock myself away to get him to take care of his kid and that is really exhausting. I thought at least at the end of the day or weekends he would want to take care of him more if he had been fed so I could have some time to myself. It's horrible to say, but I'm not sure what exactly id miss out on right now as a single parent (except my best friend)
i think he only wanted to be a dad for the fun parts, and there isn't a lot of fun in the early months.
When I try and tell him that I really need an hour to be myself and not just a mom I get the "I have a full time job!" response as if I am not with LO taking care of her 24 hours. The annoying thing is that even though he gets really depressed and angry after 30 minutes of spending time with her he never thinks "Oh wow . . . my wife does this ALL DAY!" It's such an annoying contradiction.
The eves have become my most stressful time now. It used to be days alone that got me but now I can feel MH's stress from her crying and it makes me stressed out as if I should be better at getting her to stop. This is all exasperated by the fact that she is extra grouchy this week from her immunizations.
Hmmmmmmmmm yaaaaaaa how about that is my life all day everyday when DH is at work. Omg I was so pissed. So yeah I feel you about your single parent comment.
DH has five straight days of twelve hour night shifts in a busy ER coming up, and when he comes home in the morning he'll sleep 8-10 hours before he gets up, which means I won't be getting much sleep during that time. I'm absolutely terrified of how LO and I are going to get through those five days (especially as we should be hitting the five week developmental leap around then) considering how sleep deprived I'll be. I *might* be able to get some help from my mom, but that's up in the air right now.
Gah, I don't know where I was going with this, but I needed a place to whine and this seemed like the most appropriate thread for it, I guess? So ready for LO to sleep through the night so I can feel like myself again.
Today, though, I'm getting regretful looks and the silent treatment. We found out our furnace in our new house needs replacing and he made it a point to remind me that if I hadn't wanted the house and talked him into it this never would have happened. As if I don't have enough guilt about trying (and failing) to breastfeed and not being able to calm two crying babies at the same time. We normally feed the babies together on the loveseat but he silently just took Elise upstairs. Well guess I have something new to cry about for the next few days.
im extra sensitive too because my dad wasn't around and just talked about being a good dad and being there and then would flake, and I really don't want to believe DH is the same way.
The word "divorce" has floated in my head time and again. I'm not saying I want a divorce but I can see how people go that route. For example, dh has colitis and a week after baby was born he had a flare up. I understand that he feels like death when he has a flare up and is really sick. But he had the nerve to say that holding her when he was sick "hurt his stomach". Really??? How does he think my stomach felt after being cut open. I could barely bed over to pick her up, but it needed to be done. On the weekends, it's still like I'm home alone with her. He doesn't offer to do the motn feedings. Doesn't try to change her diaper. Gets annoyed if I ask him to hold her. He gets to take 2 hour naps while I don't get any. He gives her about 10 minutes of face time. It pisses me off, but in the long run, when she's a mamas girl and only comforted by me, he will hopefully be regretful that he didn't put time into bonding with her when she was little and impressionable. He actually told me last night that I run to her when she's crying and it's ok to let her cry. He is off in August when I go back to work, and will be taking over in August before she starts daycare in September and it honestly worries me...
See - she's currently crying on my boob and not eating right now. But, I can still say life is good. <---- Trying to take the power of positive thinking approach.
Today at Walmart, I told my husband all this. I also said, as we were headed home, "I can do this. I can go in there and be with the baby." He was so startled that he demands that I call the doctor tomorrow to ask for Zoloft. I think he's right. This isn't normal thoughts.
DH is in the middle of opening his bar so he's incredibly busy, working well over 40 hours a week. I get this, but I also need some relief from newborn duty so I don't lose my mind. I let him know that I know he's very busy and exhausted as well, but that I needed him to pull a little bit more weight around the house and with LO. He admitted that he was terrified of being a father and agreed to try and help more. At first he was trying to take care of LO, who would then start crying and inevitably end up back in my arms since she's EBF. So what was supposed to be an hour break for me turned into 15 minutes. No good. After a few failed attempts, I suggested we schedule time. We actually put time in our iCal in the morning and evening for me. I do whatever I want, shower, sleep, clean house, get outside, get a massage. . . I'll admit that it doesn't always work, and that it definitely works better when I leave the house, but it seems to work for the most part. He actually came into the bathroom while I was taking a shower tonight and was like HELP SHE IS SO PISSED OFF! I was like sorry bro, I'm taking a shower, see y'all in an hour. When I came out she was happy and calm, he was happy he was able to calm her, and I was happy I had some time to myself.
When my mom went home after 3 weeks, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle anything during the day. Again, I cried. 3 weeks later, I've been able to shower every single day, I haven't missed one meal even if I may be eating with one hand, and we all make it to my husband getting home.
Now, my husband is out of town and I'm doing day, evening, and night all alone. I was terrified for him to leave. He's the one that makes dinner and holds her while I eat. He's the one that bounces her in her witching hour. He's the one that does the late night diaper changes and putting back to bed. I just pull out my boob and surf the bump. I am totally spoiled, so now that I have no choice but to do it myself, it's given me a bit more confidence. If something doesn't work, I try something else. I wanted to cry tonight as she was having her melt down, screaming at my boob, spraying poop on me, but we made it through and she's snoozing in her rock n play before one final feeding before official bed.
@Delitachan Be patient with yourself, and don't be afraid. Your husband is good at these things because he got a head start. You're going to be just as good at soothing and taking care of your baby once you take care of yourself. I get anxiety when I feel like life is overwhelming me, and I have to take it one thing at a time. Focus on getting yourself right, and the rest will come. Creepy Internet hugs.
Lately I've been feeling like I'm not that great of a mom. In the first few weeks, all DD did was sleep. Now that she is having more time where she is awake and alert, I just don't know what to do with her. She isn't old enough to play with her like you would a toddler. I'm not a huge talker; on days when I'm home by myself, I don't talk and constantly talking to her about everything seems like verbal vomit, which I hate. I know it isn't useless and she's hearing me and learning, and I don't not talk to her. I just don't spend every moment talking to her. My mom sent time with her this morning while I ran errands and when I came back, I heard all about how DD was so alert and she was smiling (still only the sleepy/poop/toot smiles) and making noises, she discovered and was exploring different textures, she loves certain toys and watching the ceiling fan. I told my mom I must be pretty boring because in an hour and a half, I don't see that much engagement with her. I know I need to engage in more active things with her. I do tummy time (though she hates it), we play on the activity mat and in an activity chair. I read and sing to her. I just feel like I don't get the response from her. She also still hasn't smiled and while I know it can take longer for some babies, I just want to see and know that she really does enjoy being with me and that I'm doing something right for her. Since my mom sees more interaction from her than I have, I equate that to she's doing something right and I'm not. I have realized that I don't like the newborn stage. Maybe it is the teacher in me but I like getting feedback on what children are experiencing. I like the interaction and engagement and knowing they are learning, that they like or don't like something. Newborns don't have that ability. I don't want to wish this time away because I know I will not get it back but I also can't wait until she's able to interact with us more.