I'm in the my-husband-has-a-penis-and-can-make-the-decision camp as well. And @phoenix870509 I just automatically assume that any child of mine will need therapy for various reasons I'm a counselor, so I figure I'm just giving back to the field.
@LinziLoo09I told DH I was going to use one of my kid's middle names when they did something good, and another kid I would only use their middle name when they pissed me off. Then find out later on in their lives which one likes their middle name. He thought that was too cruel, haha!
Married 4/12/13 TTC since 6/13 Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016 SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
doodleoodle I think differing opinions have a lot to do with how a person was raised themselves. I am completely open to the fact that it doesn't work on every kid, and there are other disciplinary actions to take at times. Also, I think sometimes people think of slap spanking (making it really hurt) whereas we're more of a tap spank. At the end of the day, I think being on same page as your significant other is really important.
I guess my UO is that I don't really miss the excessive snark of the bump before the purge. Sure it was entertaining at times and plenty of people deserved every ounce of snark that came their way, but other hand there were plenty of people who didn't. I love this board. It's inclusive, honest, supportive, and I think all of you are wonderful. I truly wish I was able to contribute more frequently.
My prior BMB was kind of a mess, there were so many amazing ladies but overall it reminded me of that tv show The Bad Girls Club. It was like a constant competition to see who could scare off the "noobs" the fastest. So much of it was cringeworthy. I think random drive bys and repetitive threads are just as annoying as the next person. However, there was zero consideration for the fact that prior to the wait-three-days-to-post rule people could literally download the app and it would automatically encourage you to "post to your new birth month club to connect to other moms to be" when you clicked on community. There were plenty of asshats around just there to shit stir and deserved what they got but some were just clueless to how things worked and could've used a nice little heads-up like you see on this board (for instance, hey this would be a great post to the symptoms thread/check out the intro thread/etc.).
But then again, when I picture this board getting snarky I could see it as all in good fun because there's already an established tone of mutual respect for all. So maybe my real UO is I don't like high school-esque bullying disguised as snark which probably isn't very unpopular at all *shoulder shrug*
@LushC I totally agree with you. My last BMB was so cruel to almost everyone unless you were part of the "in crowd". I actually stopped even checking it when I was around 4 months pregnant because it was nothing but nasty. I'm all for some snark and sarcasm when it's in good fun but the needless bashing of people was really not needed. Glad this seems to be a different board! Thanks ladies!
My UO today is how much I really hate being a step-mom.
so throwing my two cents into the spank/not spanking....because why not. I am not for a BEAT DOWN, but I have no problem tapping my child's butt when she gets out of line. We were spanked growing up- but it was more of a taps on the butt. But we were terrible kids growing up. We also grew up in an Italian household and got threatened alot, which worked wonders- imagine acting up and seeing someone wave a wooden spoon at you saying NEXT TIME THIS WILL FIND YOUR HINEY! However my DH and his sisters were never spanked- even though they should've been. For instance his mom told me a story over the weekend how his oldest sister threw a TANTRUM-FULL BLOWN THREW EVERYTHING ON THE FLOOR OUTBURST at a store. The manager asked them to leave- that's how bad. Anyway they were walking home and his sister was still throwing a tantrum and didn't want to cross the street so she grabbed onto the street sign pole and cried and refused to get off it- his mom was of course doing everything in her power to get her off- finally a police officer drove by and was like MAAM WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THIS CHILD?!! When she told him what happened THE COP said to her "someone needs a good spanking when they get home" and His mom got soooo offended she yelled at the cop to discipline his own kids that way and not to tell her how to raise her kids. Fast forward his sister is the same exact way today. His other sister who has kids spanks occasionally and we all witnessed it once and his mom went BIZERK!!! and his sister flat out said " I don't want my kids to end up like my sister!!!!" Again I am not for beatings or anything along those lines but sometimes a swift tap on the butt just works when talking doesn't.
Me: 29
DH: 30
Happily Ever After: 05-15-2015 TTC since June 2015
My golden rule of parenting - never say never. I judged the shit of moms before I was pregnant. I judged the shit out of toddler moms when I only had a baby. I now give the nod of solidarity. It's survival some days. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd settle on my son eating 2 pieces of fruit, crackers and some organic cheese stick for dinner - but here we are. Parenting pushes you to places and circumstances you never thought existed. Never say never.
My husband and I were raised pretty much the same. We were spanked but it wasn't anything big or dramatic. It was one swift little swat on a clothed/diapered butt, and it was only used as an absolute last resort or when we were about to do something really freaking dangerous like stick something in a light socket. That kind of spanking I have no problem with, and will probably use in the same way with my own children. There will be other things tried first but I won't take a little swat on the butt off the table.
Edited to add: @DiFazetteI totally agree with your parenting style!
@Gizmo1231 my son will defy me while smirking and looking me in the eye. He tests boundaries in ways I didn't know could be tested. Some days it's a legitimate roller coaster of 'holy shit when is it nap time because mommy might go postal' and 'I love you so much I can't even handle it'. After I became one I now understand why all mothers are slightly crazy.
While I get that some people grew up with spanking as the norm and feel it is effective, it will always baffle me that something that is considered assault (no matter how minor the tap) when you do it to any other person in the world is perfectly legal to do to a child. And I was spanked on very rare occasion as a child. It didn't work. I clearly remember being more infuriated at it and not moved into obedience in the least. Threats and intimidation just haven't been shown to be effective forms of discipline in general according to research. Consistency in rules and punishments (non-physical included) are what positively effect child behavior. Children have plenty of forms of behavioral currency outside of a fear of violence that you can use to shape their behavior. Here's an interesting study on child perceptions of spanking and other forms of punishment and their views of the fairness and short- and long-term effectiveness of the punishment: https://www.twu.edu/downloads/family-sciences/journal-applied-developmental-psychology.pdf The study basically says that, while children who were spanked in medium-to-high frequencies felt it was a more acceptable form of punishment, overall children reported that other forms of discipline were more likely to result in long-term behavior change.
@sammyl1221 I would wager that there were plenty of other issues in your SIL's discipline that were to blame in her past and current behavior rather than a lack of spanking. That said, regardless of anyone's opinion, it's legal. And as the study mentions, people are more likely to accept it if it is a normative practice in their family/culture. I'd just personally rather pursue different forms of discipline that don't involve me touching/tapping/popping/hitting my child. But to each his or her own.
@LinziLoo09 This is pretty much how I feel about spanking. I was "spanked" frequently as a child, and it just ended up making me afraid and led to me having serious anger issues (which have fortunately been resolved through therapy). I am really hoping to use a more positive discipline style with my child--especially one that doesn't punish simply because a mistake was made or punishment because of normal child behavior.
However, I am not going to say I would never spank my child---but it would have to be something that I felt truly warranted it. If others wish to spank their children, that is their prerogative, as I'm sure most of them don't intend for it to be used in an abusive manner...but in my experience there is definitely a fine line and I don't want my children to ever, ever be terrified of me.
On the "never say never" note - Just like setting boundaries with kids is important, we set boundaries with ourselves all the time. No I'll never use violence or fear of pain (from me) to try to control my child. If, in some moment of weakness, that happens, I'll be disappointed in myself. I think it's perfectly fine and appropriate to draw lines for yourself everywhere in life. And parenting is one. And if I cross one of those lines that I've drawn, I need to own the fact that I feel I've done wrong (and then move on with a plan to avoid doing it again in a similar situation), and not make excuses for it.
On the "never say never" note - Just like setting boundaries with kids is important, we set boundaries with ourselves all the time. No I'll never use violence or fear of pain (from me) to try to control my child. If, in some moment of weakness, that happens, I'll be disappointed in myself. I think it's perfectly fine and appropriate to draw lines for yourself everywhere in life. And parenting is one. And if I cross one of those lines that I've drawn, I need to own the fact that I feel I've done wrong (and then move on with a plan to avoid doing it again in a similar situation), and not make excuses for it.
@slartybartfast - you can say never all you want girl. I used an example of feeding my kid, not spanking. My point was that many things come up as a parent that can be judged before walking a mile in those shoes. I'd never give my kid x food, my kid would never throw a temper tantrum in a store like that, my child would never use a pacifier at 3... It's all bullshit. You can set your boundaries and I agree they are imperative to set for yourself as a mother and more importantly as a couple parenting together, but my point was - its easy to sit in an ivory tower, I was guilty of it before I became a mom.
I agree with "never say never" because I have a baby and I do things that I used to judge parents for, but spanking still doesn't make sense to me. I remember getting spanked for hitting my brother and being so confused.... Thinking, but he did something that I didn't like and that it had clearly been established that when someone does something you don't like you spank them. As an adult I understand the difference, sort of, but I just think it can confuse some (me) on how to deal with conflict appropriately. But to each their own. At the end of the day you have to do what works for your family. I've just never seen it work before, but what do I know? Not a lot.
I think we are mostly on the same page but for me, there are soooo few things I actually do say never to because I am totally aware that I have no idea what will feel right/ possible in the moment with the particular little human I'm dealing with.
I guess that reminds me of another common " ill never do that" thing. I have no clue if ill ever feel the need to use one but I totally don't discount it as an option! Especially if ds turns out to be an escape artist.
@DiFazette Never say never for sure! Ah I remember the pre-parenting glory days when I had all of the answers! With very few exceptions I really try not to judge parenting decisions. What works for me might not work for someone else and vice versa. I think it's good to have a guide of what you do and don't want to do, but it should be just that - a guide. And we're getting judgment all the time from so many sources; I don't want to contribute to that for someone else if I can help it.
@slartybartfast I feel the same where if I was to spank my kid I'd probably feel really disappointed in myself. I say this because if I did it, it would probably be out of frustrated anger rather than a cool, planned disciplinary action, and I feel that harsh discipline done in the heat of the moment (yelling, spanking, cussing, etc) strips me of my power as a parent in a sense. It knocks me down to a level where I'm not going to productively accomplish anything because of my emotions. That said, there are definitely times I have to forcefully tag DH in or leave the room to keep my cool with DD. We all have those moments!
On the "never say never" note - Just like setting boundaries with kids is important, we set boundaries with ourselves all the time. No I'll never use violence or fear of pain (from me) to try to control my child. If, in some moment of weakness, that happens, I'll be disappointed in myself. I think it's perfectly fine and appropriate to draw lines for yourself everywhere in life. And parenting is one. And if I cross one of those lines that I've drawn, I need to own the fact that I feel I've done wrong (and then move on with a plan to avoid doing it again in a similar situation), and not make excuses for it.
@slartybartfast - you can say never all you want girl. I used an example of feeding my kid, not spanking. My point was that many things come up as a parent that can be judged before walking a mile in those shoes. I'd never give my kid x food, my kid would never throw a temper tantrum in a store like that, my child would never use a pacifier at 3... It's all bullshit. You can set your boundaries and I agree they are imperative to set for yourself as a mother and more importantly as a couple parenting together, but my point was - its easy to sit in an ivory tower, I was guilty of it before I became a mom.
a thousand times this!!! I didn't realize what a judgemental you know what I was towards mothers until I became one. My precious snowflake was never going to have fast food, eat only organic, not have any screen time, never be spoken to with a raised voice, never run amuck in public, blah blah blah blah.
We are having frozen pizza tonight for dinner and will likely eat said pizza in front of the tv together while watching Disney's Dinosaurs for the millionth time. Did I mention we do this every Friday lol
As for spanking, I can't speak for others who say they can calmly swat/pop/etc. but for me personally, I committed to not spanking because I want to be sure that I'm punishing my child with a consequence for their actions not reacting to their actions out of anger or frustration because I don't think anything else would work. My dad occasionally spanked and was incredibly verbally abusive when he was mad or frustrated and I'm doing my damnedest to break that shitty cycle.
@slartybartfast I feel the same where if I was to spank my kid I'd probably feel really disappointed in myself. I say this because if I did it, it would probably be out of frustrated anger rather than a cool, planned disciplinary action, and I feel that harsh discipline done in the heat of the moment (yelling, spanking, cussing, etc) strips me of my power as a parent in a sense. It knocks me down to a level where I'm not going to productively accomplish anything because of my emotions. That said, there are definitely times I have to forcefully tag DH in or leave the room to keep my cool with DD. We all have those moments!
ETA: grammar
@LinziLoo09 I was typing when you posted this so I missed it but this is exactly what I was trying to convey. Just not as eloquently lol!
oh and if boards could have mottos I'd absolutely vote for Never Say Never for Dec. 16!
Theres always something whether it be feeding, diapering, parenting styles, naming, childcare, discipline, etc related that you have to reconsider when you are a parent. Plus, it's a reminder not to be so judgy towards others because duh we don't know their lyfe!!
Not only do I not feel confident in knowing what I should do as a parent in the future, I can't remember half the choices I already made. I have a number of friends that are a little behind me in baby timeline that will ask for advice. I usually end up giving them a blank stare and having to admit not only to not remembering what I thought was the thing to do, but also not remembering what I actually did...
I know we didn't do FFFC today but in the tune of parenting self-deprication - I made a decision yesterday that bringing my 3 year old boy in the shower with me was less of a threat than him shoving a Bobby pin in an unprotected outlet in those 10 minutes he'd be left to his own vices. Emotional scarring is better than death or near death... Right?
oh and if boards could have mottos I'd absolutely vote for Never Say Never for Dec. 16!
Theres always something whether it be feeding, diapering, parenting styles, naming, childcare, discipline, etc related that you have to reconsider when you are a parent. Plus, it's a reminder not to be so judgy towards others because duh we don't know their lyfe!!
Amen. I genuinely believe that the women here that I've interacted often with are good people who will try their damndest to be the best mothers they can be. They might not do it my way, but my way may not be the best way. I am not a unicorns and glitter type person but this is a hard, thankless job most days and I really try to trust that mostly everyone is doing the best that they can. It's hard enough without the extra judgement.
@doodleoodle My parents did what I think of as 'the best use' of spanking. I was spanked when I was doing/going to do something dangerous. I also was spanked when I went against a rule that was well established - example: pretending to drive while dad was attaching the trailer. After being spanked 1-5 times (mostly to get the point across that they were serious) I was then sent to my room to think about what I had done wrong. That gave me time to reason and calm down, and gave my parents time to calm down if needed and come up with a more suitable punishment if needed.
Through this I was taught that consequences can be immediate, but might be delayed. Also that they can be physical, emotional, social, or intellectual.
Formerly known as Kate08young August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Me: 28 H: 24 Married: 7/22/14 Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017. Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
As everyone has said - to each their own. How you raise your kids is your business. I have to say, me personally, I am not traumatized from how I was disciplined growing up and I'd like to think I'm a well adjusted adult. Ugh I feel like people who say that aren't and are a bunch of psychos.
@LinziLoo09 I'm not sure about his sister- I didn't know her when she was 2 1/2 so I can't speak to that.
Me: 29
DH: 30
Happily Ever After: 05-15-2015 TTC since June 2015
When any given person says "spank" that can mean a plethora of things. From abusive wailing on a child to a controlled act of intervention. The method is what differs and the motive (mindset) of the parent. The same goes for raising your voice... One can be done in a interjectory or attention getting manner, while the same level of volume can produce fear and spew venom. Honestly it's a bad bad day in our home when I yell... And probably far more negative, scary and bad for my kids. That's when I find myself apologizing to my children.
As a mama you will "lose it", you will mess up. That's real life and kids need to see mama be real. Just ask for their forgiveness.
In all, I think it's myopic to say, "I'll never..." or "I'll for sure..." When the point should not be about methodology, but about teaching, training, and correcting your child in the way they personally need.
That said, we've quite literally tried it all when it comes to child training or discipline, because we have a lot of children with varying needs and personalities... (Spanking to time ins and even ignoring things). Through that I've realized that it's far less about the method than the heart. Sometimes a method touches the heart better than another.
Raising children is not formulaic.
It will not serve you well to think that "good parenting in" means you are going to have "good kids" pop out the other side. Pleantly if really crappy parents manage to have great kids... An the reverse is also true.
What I do put my hope in is that I have healthy and honest relationships with my kids and help prepare them (teach them) how to live and have relationships with others (and God) they will have what really matters in life. All other "successes" are dependent upon those basics in my perspective.
I think this is all kind of speaking to the topic of mom shaming and mom guilt. I didn't realize how big of a thing this was til having a kid. Fortunately for me, fairly isolated adolescent formative years resulted in some social quirks including me not picking up or internalizing a lot of this - Like... if I am confident in a decision, advice to the contrary goes in one ear and out the other. And it doesn't even occur to me to judge how other people are doing something most of the time. I'm just like - huh. That's how that is going in that situation. But I see it in my friends. Oh the mom guilt they feel. And then that guilt causes them to say crazy judgemental things about others... like they are trying so hard to determine the one best way and feel guilty that maybe they aren't doing the one best way for everything that they then turn it on others. Judgement that others are doing something a certain way because they've reviewed the facts in their own agonizing search for the best way and that one was DEFINITELY not on the list. I tend to just duck out of all those conversations. Not interested!
I think we all grow up in such different cultures that it's interesting to hear everyone's takes on things such as spanking, breastfeeding, ect. I'll be FTM and what gets me the through my upcoming fears of what is best is something my mom repeats to me often: There is no wrong way as long as you feel it's best way for you. We can only strive to be the best parents we can be. A little discipline no matter how you go about it, will always work out in a positive way.
Ps: I was spanked, in a disciplinary non abusive manner. I turned out fine, love both parents who spanked me and feel no resentment. They did their best and that's all you can ask for.
When any given person says "spank" that can mean a plethora of things. From abusive wailing on a child to a controlled act of intervention. The method is what differs and the motive (mindset) of the parent. The same goes for raising your voice... One can be done in a interjectory or attention getting manner, while the same level of volume can produce fear and spew venom. Honestly it's a bad bad day in our home when I yell... And probably far more negative, scary and bad for my kids. That's when I find myself apologizing to my children.
As a mama you will "lose it", you will mess up. That's real life and kids need to see mama be real. Just ask for their forgiveness.
In all, I think it's myopic to say, "I'll never..." or "I'll for sure..." When the point should not be about methodology, but about teaching, training, and correcting your child in the way they personally need.
That said, we've quite literally tried it all when it comes to child training or discipline, because we have a lot of children with varying needs and personalities... (Spanking to time ins and even ignoring things). Through that I've realized that it's far less about the method than the heart. Sometimes a method touches the heart better than another.
Raising children is not formulaic.
It will not serve you well to think that "good parenting in" means you are going to have "good kids" pop out the other side. Pleantly if really crappy parents manage to have great kids... An the reverse is also true.
What I do put my hope in is that I have healthy and honest relationships with my kids and help prepare them (teach them) how to live and have relationships with others (and God) they will have what really matters in life. All other "successes" are dependent upon those basics in my perspective.
I really like and agree with what you've said, especially the part I've bolded. I always thought that I would be the perfect parent, and as a result, I'd have the perfect kid. I had all these plans of what I would and would not do, and it was a rude awakening to actually be a parent.
I've done so many things I said I would do, including spanking, yelling, co-sleeping, and using a kid leash. This time around I'm trying not to put too many expectations and "I will nevers" on myself, because I don't know what this child is going to be like. I also have no idea what being a mom of 2 will be like.
None of this is meant to sound condescending to FTMs. I hate to sound like a know-it-all, because I know so little about this mom thing and learn more every day.
Oh! And will add. When I was in my "spanking glory days" with our first who was a VERY willful child (but spanking seem to help her be "better behaved" ... That's a much longer story)... I would totally look down my nose at my friends who didn't spank and had equally willful or out of control kids and feel all superior. I guess because I "wasn't allow it" or "putting up with it"?
Know what? Time is the great illuminator... They are all basically nice and considerate and normal preteens now. Each and every one.
What we all pretty much did the same was connect and love and teach our kids.
Moral of the story... Love your child and teach them. Methods vary.
Re: UO- 6/2
Baby #1
Baby #2
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TTC since 6/13
Diagnosed w/ PCOS 4/9/15 - R/E recommended lifestyle change
BFP 4/10/16 - DS born 12/16/2016
SURPRISE! BFP 3/8/18
DS: 12/20/16
EDD: 11/29/18
My prior BMB was kind of a mess, there were so many amazing ladies but overall it reminded me of that tv show The Bad Girls Club. It was like a constant competition to see who could scare off the "noobs" the fastest. So much of it was cringeworthy. I think random drive bys and repetitive threads are just as annoying as the next person. However, there was zero consideration for the fact that prior to the wait-three-days-to-post rule people could literally download the app and it would automatically encourage you to "post to your new birth month club to connect to other moms to be" when you clicked on community. There were plenty of asshats around just there to shit stir and deserved what they got but some were just clueless to how things worked and could've used a nice little heads-up like you see on this board (for instance, hey this would be a great post to the symptoms thread/check out the intro thread/etc.).
But then again, when I picture this board getting snarky I could see it as all in good fun because there's already an established tone of mutual respect for all. So maybe my real UO is I don't like high school-esque bullying disguised as snark which probably isn't very unpopular at all *shoulder shrug*
My UO today is how much I really hate being a step-mom.
TTC since June 2015
September Football Siggy
TTC since June 2015
September Football Siggy
Edited to add: @DiFazette I totally agree with your parenting style!
The study basically says that, while children who were spanked in medium-to-high frequencies felt it was a more acceptable form of punishment, overall children reported that other forms of discipline were more likely to result in long-term behavior change.
@sammyl1221 I would wager that there were plenty of other issues in your SIL's discipline that were to blame in her past and current behavior rather than a lack of spanking. That said, regardless of anyone's opinion, it's legal. And as the study mentions, people are more likely to accept it if it is a normative practice in their family/culture. I'd just personally rather pursue different forms of discipline that don't involve me touching/tapping/popping/hitting my child. But to each his or her own.
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However, I am not going to say I would never spank my child---but it would have to be something that I felt truly warranted it. If others wish to spank their children, that is their prerogative, as I'm sure most of them don't intend for it to be used in an abusive manner...but in my experience there is definitely a fine line and I don't want my children to ever, ever be terrified of me.
No I'll never use violence or fear of pain (from me) to try to control my child. If, in some moment of weakness, that happens, I'll be disappointed in myself. I think it's perfectly fine and appropriate to draw lines for yourself everywhere in life. And parenting is one. And if I cross one of those lines that I've drawn, I need to own the fact that I feel I've done wrong (and then move on with a plan to avoid doing it again in a similar situation), and not make excuses for it.
@slartybartfast I feel the same where if I was to spank my kid I'd probably feel really disappointed in myself. I say this because if I did it, it would probably be out of frustrated anger rather than a cool, planned disciplinary action, and I feel that harsh discipline done in the heat of the moment (yelling, spanking, cussing, etc) strips me of my power as a parent in a sense. It knocks me down to a level where I'm not going to productively accomplish anything because of my emotions. That said, there are definitely times I have to forcefully tag DH in or leave the room to keep my cool with DD. We all have those moments!
ETA: grammar
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We are having frozen pizza tonight for dinner and will likely eat said pizza in front of the tv together while watching Disney's Dinosaurs for the millionth time. Did I mention we do this every Friday lol
As for spanking, I can't speak for others who say they can calmly swat/pop/etc. but for me personally, I committed to not spanking because I want to be sure that I'm punishing my child with a consequence for their actions not reacting to their actions out of anger or frustration because I don't think anything else would work. My dad occasionally spanked and was incredibly verbally abusive when he was mad or frustrated and I'm doing my damnedest to break that shitty cycle.
P.S. Thank you for posting the article link
Theres always something whether it be feeding, diapering, parenting styles, naming, childcare, discipline, etc related that you have to reconsider when you are a parent. Plus, it's a reminder not to be so judgy towards others because duh we don't know their lyfe!!
After being spanked 1-5 times (mostly to get the point across that they were serious) I was then sent to my room to think about what I had done wrong. That gave me time to reason and calm down, and gave my parents time to calm down if needed and come up with a more suitable punishment if needed.
Through this I was taught that consequences can be immediate, but might be delayed. Also that they can be physical, emotional, social, or intellectual.
Formerly known as Kate08young
August '18 Siggy April Showers:
Married: 7/22/14
Baby L: 8/4/2015 August 2015 Moms
Baby E: 11/18/2016 December 2016 Moms
TTC #3 08/2017 BFP 11/27/2017.
Twin B lost 11/22/2017, Twin A doing well.
@LinziLoo09 I'm not sure about his sister- I didn't know her when she was 2 1/2 so I can't speak to that.
TTC since June 2015
September Football Siggy
Honestly it's a bad bad day in our home when I yell... And probably far more negative, scary and bad for my kids. That's when I find myself apologizing to my children.
As a mama you will "lose it", you will mess up. That's real life and kids need to see mama be real. Just ask for their forgiveness.
In all, I think it's myopic to say, "I'll never..." or "I'll for sure..." When the point should not be about methodology, but about teaching, training, and correcting your child in the way they personally need.
That said, we've quite literally tried it all when it comes to child training or discipline, because we have a lot of children with varying needs and personalities... (Spanking to time ins and even ignoring things). Through that I've realized that it's far less about the method than the heart. Sometimes a method touches the heart better than another.
Raising children is not formulaic.
It will not serve you well to think that "good parenting in" means you are going to have "good kids" pop out the other side.
Pleantly if really crappy parents manage to have great kids... An the reverse is also true.
What I do put my hope in is that I have healthy and honest relationships with my kids and help prepare them (teach them) how to live and have relationships with others (and God) they will have what really matters in life. All other "successes" are dependent upon those basics in my perspective.
Due December 27th with baby #7
Baby #1
Baby #2
~04/19/16 EDD 12/26/16~
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I didn't realize how big of a thing this was til having a kid. Fortunately for me, fairly isolated adolescent formative years resulted in some social quirks including me not picking up or internalizing a lot of this - Like... if I am confident in a decision, advice to the contrary goes in one ear and out the other. And it doesn't even occur to me to judge how other people are doing something most of the time. I'm just like - huh. That's how that is going in that situation. But I see it in my friends. Oh the mom guilt they feel. And then that guilt causes them to say crazy judgemental things about others... like they are trying so hard to determine the one best way and feel guilty that maybe they aren't doing the one best way for everything that they then turn it on others. Judgement that others are doing something a certain way because they've reviewed the facts in their own agonizing search for the best way and that one was DEFINITELY not on the list. I tend to just duck out of all those conversations. Not interested!
Ps: I was spanked, in a disciplinary non abusive manner. I turned out fine, love both parents who spanked me and feel no resentment. They did their best and that's all you can ask for.
I've done so many things I said I would do, including spanking, yelling, co-sleeping, and using a kid leash. This time around I'm trying not to put too many expectations and "I will nevers" on myself, because I don't know what this child is going to be like. I also have no idea what being a mom of 2 will be like.
None of this is meant to sound condescending to FTMs. I hate to sound like a know-it-all, because I know so little about this mom thing and learn more every day.
Me: 33 H: 36
Married: 12/14/13 DS: 1/29/09
BFP2: 10/9/15 MMC: 11/12/15
BFP3: 4/6/16 DD: 12/12/16
Know what? Time is the great illuminator... They are all basically nice and considerate and normal preteens now. Each and every one.
What we all pretty much did the same was connect and love and teach our kids.
Moral of the story... Love your child and teach them. Methods vary.
Due December 27th with baby #7