Would a shower be tacky?

Sahara6971 · August 2014

I had my first shower 10 years ago. I finally accepted that we were done having kids about 2 years ago and started giving away all of my baby stuff. Then BAM, surprise pregnancy! My friend really wants to throw me a shower and when she mentioned it to me, I said no, that would be tacky. She still wants to do it and my husband is of course on board so we don't have to make so many purchases.

What do you think??

Sahara6971 · August 2014

miniwheat10 said:

Sorry, but I feel like second showers are a no-no. Regardless of child spacing etc.

Don't be sorry. I feel the same way!

jennjilljo · August 2014

This is a tricky situation in my eyes because it's being offered it of kindness so it would be rude to turn it down but I'm not a fan of second showers. I think that you're best bet is to go by the social conventions of your family, community and circle of friends.

Brace yourself for raw honesty. This is one of those tips that everyone is very up front about their opinions on.

mrsherr22 · August 2014

Lots of people do it these days but I think it is meant for first time moms. My SIL had 4 showers for her second pregnancy this past year (to me that is really tacky). In your situation it's been a long while since you've had children so It's not too tacky. I had a friend who requested only diapers & wipes no expensive gifts or clothes because she didn't want a shower with her second one but her family/friends insisted. It was just a nice get together with friends and yummy food. Good luck deciding what to do.

chickyclg · August 2014

It depends on your social circle, multiple showers are generally welcome in my group of friends and family, but we also look for any reason to throw parties.

modernfairytale8709 · August 2014

Meh, I think it depends on the situation. Second showers can appear gift grabby. I definitely wouldn't register for a second shower.
A "sprinkle " with family and very close friends, or a diaper shower could be tactfully done, but shouldn't be thought of as a way to reduce the amount of baby stuff you need to provide for your child.

PeaceofKia · August 2014

I think it's tacky if you're doing it to get gifts...

Not tacky if...

1) It's the opposite sex of what you had 10 years ago

2)Your friend offered out of kindness

3)It's a celebration of bringing a new healthy baby into the world

Better solution...maybe a diaper party or after the baby is a born a "Sip and See" type of event for people to meet and celebrate the new baby.

CatLadyTX · August 2014

Personally, I don't like second showers. A girl in my playgroup is having her third and is hosting her own shower for her friends and family and then guilted playgroup into throwing one for her as well (something we never do). I won't be going to either because this is obviously a gift grabby situation.

If it is the norm in your circle, especially with such a large age gap, then I may look at it differently. If you don't want to offend the hostess, you can always agree but limit the number of guests so it is a smaller shower.

sincerelyapril · August 2014

If people want to throw you a shower, let them! If people want to buy you gifts, let them! As long as you're not throwing it yourself and guilting people into attending, I don't see how anyone could consider it tacky, unless they're just haters.

MrsRoy07 · August 2014

In my circle of friends, we're shower happy and throw showers/sprinkles for every baby. Even if it's just a lunch with like 10 girlfriends at a restaurant and a few outfits are given, we do something for everyone. But this is definitely something that's unique to each social circle. If your friend wants to throw you a shower, I say let her! As mentioned earlier, if you're uncomfortable you could request it be smaller, or just a diaper shower, or whatever. But with such a big age gap, I wouldn't bat an eye at buying you a gift if we were friends.

mmariel · August 2014

jennwilhoite said:
This is a tricky situation in my eyes because it's being offered it of kindness so it would be rude to turn it down but I'm not a fan of second showers. I think that you're best bet is to go by the social conventions of your family, community and circle of friends.

Brace yourself for raw honesty. This is one of those tips that everyone is very up front about their opinions on.

this is what I was thinking. If a friend wants to throw you a small shower, I think it would be rude to say she can't.

ETA- maybe suggest something small and not register.

Mar&Bob · August 2014

We offered my cousin a "sprinkle" party instead of a shower for her second pregnancy, her first was a girl and second was a boy, it was small and fun, we didn't make it a big deal but wanted to do something special for her.

I think if it's not a big deal, someone wants to throw it for you then go ahead!

Sahara6971 · August 2014

Thanks for all of the great advice!

If it were to happen, I agree, small would be the best way to go! I REALLY hate being the center of attention and I don't want anyone to think for a second that I am greedy (I hate people fussing over me, lol). I also don't want to hurt my friend's feelings who offered to do something so kind!

I also think it might make me sad because my mom isn't here to be a part of it. She died of cancer really young right after my first son was born. Bit that's a whole other thread...

HeyStVincent · August 2014

I don't think it's tacky - especially since you've given away much of what you already had. If someone I knew had kids 10 years apart, I wouldn't think twice about going to a second baby shower, or even throwing them a baby shower. Rather than registering for a million little things, it might be better to come up with a few things that you really want that are kind of expensive (i.e. a breast pump, a stroller, or a car seat) and have people chip in to buy that one item or two items. This idea really only works if everyone knows each other and/or the group dynamic is good, but it's an option! My friends from college usually do this for baby showers - we find a kind-of-expensive but very useful item, then all chip in to get it.

If you don't want to do gifts, but still want to do a celebration, you could always ask for no gifts. If people still insist on getting you something you could suggest that they donate to a charity (maybe one that helps new moms with little resources to get on their feet, or a charity that you hold near and dear to your heart)...or something along those lines.

lizzybean · August 2014

sincerelyapril said:

If people want to throw you a shower, let them! If people want to buy you gifts, let them! As long as you're not throwing it yourself and guilting people into attending, I don't see how anyone could consider it tacky, unless they're just haters.

Agree with this!!!

digwriter · August 2014

I don't think it's tacky, especially with the spacing. My thought always goes to kids looking back through their baby books. Baby #1 sees a big party where everyone was excited about their arrival and baby #2 sees nothing. If you don't want gifts ask your friend to make that clear on the invitation.

tlglass91 · August 2014

I don't think it's tacky at all! Especially since it's been 10 years. In my eyes there's no rules that state you can't have more than 1 shower in your life. Why not celebrate everything you have to be thankful for? I don't get people who say it's tacky. I totally disagree with that! I say go for it.

jdonn1023 · August 2014

I think it depends on where your from. I've heard from my out of state family it's very tacky- I've been to showers for second and third babies and some not even spaced more then a few years. We have been offered a second shower but it's our first baby together- I have a 5 year old. I definitely don't think it's tacky in your situation

acpruchnik · August 2014

I'm excited about a shower since my son will be almost 5 when this one is born and we got rid of everything but his crib. Once we found out we were pregnant again we were given a beautiful Captains Bed for him so we don't need to use his lifetime crib for him anymore! A girlfriend of mine had her first boy a year ago and her youngest daughter was already 8 so she didn't have a swing or bottles or anything like that anymore and we gave her all of DS' old baby stuff. Guess who needs boy stuff now and her unneeded boy stuff has already been passed on!

My sister wants to throw me a shower and I'm fine with it but told her I want it to be low budget and I'm specifically requesting hand-me-downs (not so different from DS' shower since I have a decent amount of nieces and nephews so I wasn't the "ooh I need it even though it's useless" FTM). I don't feel bad about it at all since I didn't ask for it and since we realistically NEED most of the stuff since I had my girlfriend pass all of the stuff her little guy doesn't need anymore on to a friend of ours that had her little boy a few weeks ago. If my kids were 10 years apart, you bet your ass I'd be wanting a full-blown shower with all of the bells and whistles, too! I have NO shame in admitting that lol

No matter how far apart your kids are, there's always going to be someone that tells you it's selfish or tacky but it's really what you want. Things have changed a lot over 10 years and you may even have things that won't work as well or safely (a lot of things have been recalled since then) as they did when you first used them so I say go for it if you want it!

ordinary1 · August 2014

modernfairytale8709 said:

Meh, I think it depends on the situation. Second showers can appear gift grabby. I definitely wouldn't register for a second shower. A "sprinkle " with family and very close friends, or a diaper shower could be tactfully done, but shouldn't be thought of as a way to reduce the amount of baby stuff you need to provide for your child.

A diaper shower can't be done tactfully. It is never appropriate to dictate to your guests what to give.

ordinary1 · August 2014

You are right in feeling a second shower is tacky. It is tacky. A shower is to welcome a mom into motherhood. You already are a parent, no need to be re-welcomed.

StephanieLBerg · August 2014

chickyclg said:
It depends on your social circle, multiple showers are generally welcome in my group of friends and family, but we also look for any reason to throw parties.

This. And I agree with @jennwilhoite‌ if your friend is offering to throw one out of kindness, then I think it's rude not to accept her kindness and generosity. But that's me and my own opinion. I think second showers within a few years apart is tacky, however, your last shower seems to have been several years ago, so I think it's safe to have one now; especially since you got rid of all your other stuff.

Mommalawyer · August 2014

I had this convo the other day with a friend after I said that there would be no shower for me. She said that this only one shower idea is old school. She also mentioned how it's 7 years in between and my first was a girl and this one is a boy. If someone approaches you and wants to plan you one, go for it! Expecting one is probably on the no-no list.

Unknown · August 2014

This content has been removed.

chicagojackie · August 2014

ordinary1 said:
You are right in feeling a second shower is tacky. It is tacky. A shower is to welcome a mom into motherhood. You already are a parent, no need to be re-welcomed.

This. If some close friends want to buy you gifts they will. It doesn't matter if this is a different sex baby, multiples, time gap, etc. The only exception would be if this is a new H and his side of the family wants to throw a little shower for H's first baby.

You can call something a sprinkle but that doesn't make it less tacky.

ginx1188 · August 2014

I've thrown many second showers for friends, we call them sprinkles they are much more low key and completely necessary when there is either a huge gap between kids or the first was a boy and the second is a girl (or vice versa). I don't think it's tacky, but I wouldn't go crazy with the invites either, just close friends and family. Good luck!

crunchymamaof2 · August 2014

People don't need a shower invite to send a gift, if they choose to. But the whole premise of a shower is the shower the new MTB with gifts. Having a second shower would be the same as Michelle Duggar having a shower for her 19th. She is already a mother, as are you. Obviously if someone throws you a surprise shower there's nothing you can do. It's not rude to decline a shower. "I just don't feel it would be right. How about we all get together for a girls day instead? I could definitely use the break!"

Nobody is responsible for buying your baby supplies. Pressuring them to do so with a shower is tacky.

crunchymamaof2 · August 2014

musicgirl524 said:

If this is something your friend is really wanting to do for you, then I think it would be more rude to refuse. As others have said, just try to work with her on keeping it low-key (just close friends and family) and don't do a registry.

Actually the friend would be the rude one if she still insisted even after the OP (or anyone in this situation) told her it would make her uncomfortable. There are plenty of nice things a friend can choose to do, plenty of parties that can be thrown, that have nothing to do with a shower.

cannolioh · August 2014

I don't think it is tacky. I have been to 2nd showers for women who had surprise pregnancies after getting rid of their baby items. The only time I have heard people feel strongly against second showers for any reason is on the bump.

jennypolkadots · August 2014

What about a baby sprinkle instead? This is where people bring children's books, a few clothes, and less expensive items. Usually you don't register. It is a nice way to celebrate this new family member. I think every child should have some sort of celebration!

I do agree with others (and you!) that showers are done for first babies regardless of spacing. The difference would be if you remarried and it was a first child for your new husband. Then his family could throw a shower. I think the main concern is the majority of people you would invite probably gifted some of the expensive items just 10 years ago that you just got rid of. Believe me though, even if you don't have a shower, very excited close family members will probably ask to help with the higher priced items. You can also look at used baby furniture, which you can get at great deals.

jaztastic · August 2014

cannolioh said:

I don't think it is tacky. I have been to 2nd showers for women who had surprise pregnancies after getting rid of their baby items. The only time I have heard people feel strongly against second showers for any reason is on the bump.

Agreed... I had only heard it 1 time in my life, until I got on TB. And I have yet to hear it again IRL from anyone, regardless of where they lived.

jennypolkadots · August 2014

crunchymamaof2 said:
Nobody is responsible for buying your baby supplies. Pressuring them to do so with a shower is tacky.

I agree with this statement. Do you feel this way even about first showers?

We have many people wanting to throw us showers and celebrate our child (our first) and we appreciate the sentiment. But at the same time, we both hate being the center of attention and we set money aside before getting pregnant to buy all of the things we need. I just don't feel like anyone else is responsible for the expense, and I am pretty picky with specific items/materials. I'm just 16 weeks and I'm pretty sure we have all the newborn clothes we will need until about 6 months when I will go to a thrift store and buy a wardrobe for $30 lol I'm just not a fan of showers in general but then I feel like there should be a celebration for our child and others really want to attend our showers. A rock and a hard place!!

rentj1 · August 2014

I say have the shower people are doing in less time between kids then you are, it's not tacky it's been 10 years nobody expects you to still have anything from your first child.

KRMcD · August 2014

I am typically against the idea of 2nd baby showers and won't go to them. That being said, I wouldn't be as against one with a ten year age gap.

ems0523 · August 2014

Not tacky if someone wants to throw it for you. My first 2 are 11 yes apart and my mom, MIL, and friends threw a shower for my second. I'd say if you are planning it yourself that would be tacky.

Sahara6971 · August 2014

Darbie914 said:

People, showers should ALWAYS be offered. So to use the excuse "Well if someone offers, go for it!" is a moot point because the MTB shouldn't be in a situation where she is throwing the shower herself. As an adult, you absolutely have the right to say, "Thank you so much for thinking of us and for the offer! We're going to do a Sip n See/Meet the Baby party instead but your thoughtfulness is really appreciated!" It can be done.

Sprinkles ARE showers, just on a smaller scale. So you aren't fooling anyone with that cutesy term.
It was your decision to give away your baby items. Some of which, I'm sure, were gifted to you. So now that YOU made the choice to give them away, you want to hit up people once again to gift you with more things? No. It was also your choice to have another baby and it's not up to others to provide for your child.

Diaper parties/books instead of a card/raffles are all tacky because you are specifically telling people what they should spend THEIR money on. Let's just say my budget for your gift is $50. If you want me to bring a pack of diapers, that leaves me with about $35 left for your gift. Which may have me buying something different than I originally planned because you're a special snowflake and think I should be providing your kid with Pampers.

I'm expecting someone to say, "Well, if someone finds it rude, they don't have to go." Really? So if your relative/friend is having another shower, you have a choice between going and feeling like you were taken advantage of or not going and looking like a shitty friend. It's not always a 'go or don't go' situation.

And please save the 'maybe you're just not a good friend' speech because attending a tackfest =/= being a good friend. If you are measuring my friendship based on the money I spend on you, there's a problem. Friends can and do engage in tacky/rude behavior and I still love them just the same. It just makes that particular behavior rude. I would never say it to their face but I would behind their back, just like the rest of the people who will be saying the same thing.

Social circle, smocial circle. Unless you know that every.single.person in attendance is 100% okay with it, you take the risk of offending someone. But go on with your tacky, entitled self. Because it's all about you, right?!

I really hope all of this isn't pointed at me. As I stated previously, I declined the shower because I didn't feel it was right to make my friends and family responsible for buying my baby items. Of course my husband would push for another shower. What man wouldn't?? Most of the men I know, don't understand "tacky" nor do they like to shop/spend money.

You seem to be a bit overly passionate about this topic. Probably hormones, right?

phisigangel28 · August 2014

I personally think if someone genuinely wants to do it (not you asking for it to be done) then there is nothing wrong with it. I think it is tacky when someone throws their own or "makes" someone throw them one.

Sahara6971 · August 2014

Darbie914 said:

Sahara6971 said:

Darbie914 said:

People, showers should ALWAYS be offered. So to use the excuse "Well if someone offers, go for it!" is a moot point because the MTB shouldn't be in a situation where she is throwing the shower herself. As an adult, you absolutely have the right to say, "Thank you so much for thinking of us and for the offer! We're going to do a Sip n See/Meet the Baby party instead but your thoughtfulness is really appreciated!" It can be done.

Sprinkles ARE showers, just on a smaller scale. So you aren't fooling anyone with that cutesy term.
It was your decision to give away your baby items. Some of which, I'm sure, were gifted to you. So now that YOU made the choice to give them away, you want to hit up people once again to gift you with more things? No. It was also your choice to have another baby and it's not up to others to provide for your child.

Diaper parties/books instead of a card/raffles are all tacky because you are specifically telling people what they should spend THEIR money on. Let's just say my budget for your gift is $50. If you want me to bring a pack of diapers, that leaves me with about $35 left for your gift. Which may have me buying something different than I originally planned because you're a special snowflake and think I should be providing your kid with Pampers.

I'm expecting someone to say, "Well, if someone finds it rude, they don't have to go." Really? So if your relative/friend is having another shower, you have a choice between going and feeling like you were taken advantage of or not going and looking like a shitty friend. It's not always a 'go or don't go' situation.

And please save the 'maybe you're just not a good friend' speech because attending a tackfest =/= being a good friend. If you are measuring my friendship based on the money I spend on you, there's a problem. Friends can and do engage in tacky/rude behavior and I still love them just the same. It just makes that particular behavior rude. I would never say it to their face but I would behind their back, just like the rest of the people who will be saying the same thing.

Social circle, smocial circle. Unless you know that every.single.person in attendance is 100% okay with it, you take the risk of offending someone. But go on with your tacky, entitled self. Because it's all about you, right?!

I really hope all of this isn't pointed at me. As I stated previously, I declined the shower because I didn't feel it was right to make my friends and family responsible for buying my baby items. Of course my husband would push for another shower. What man wouldn't?? Most of the men I know, don't understand "tacky" nor do they like to shop/spend money.

You seem to be a bit overly passionate about this topic. Probably hormones, right?

It was a general statement. And when it comes to the comfort and accommodations of my guests, yes, I am passionate about etiquette. Manners never go out of style and it's sad to see so many people act like they are entitled to gifts.

And no, it's not hormones. I am capable of an opinion without blaming it on my pregnancy. But thanks for playing.

Fair enough

ems0523 · August 2014

@Darbie914‌ needs a hug...

ems0523 · August 2014

I say that because of the soapbox you werw on while writing that post. I understand etiquette rules but etiquette changes with times and you've got to keep up with the changing views of society. Another shower isn't a slap in the face its a celebration. Regardless if OP or any other person for that matter gave their baby items away, especially the big things, that may or may not have been gifts 10 years ago, there is a shelf/safety life for these items. I know when a friend or family member has a baby, regardless if they had a shower or not I still buy them something, probably a few things when the baby is born - should I not because I was at their original baby shower?

Sahara6971 · August 2014

Darbie914-

If someone were to surprise YOU with a shower or throw you one even after you expressed that it made you uneasy....what would you do in that situation?

Want a personalized experience?

Would a shower be tacky?

Re: Would a shower be tacky?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards