DH is NOT the father!

sportsmomma · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

Soozerella said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Soozerella said:
Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Yes I totally do. If he had doubts 12 years ago he should of handled it then. This kid is depending on him now. I would probably go back to the 400 but he is still his father even if he isn't genetically and it sounds like this kid needs him.
Yea I hope that she'd be willing to do that. (Let H pay $400 and stay his Dad) I just have this feeling she's going to stop all communication and not let them have a relationship. She really isn't a pleasant person. There isn't any other way to change the amount of child support other than going to court and throwing out the child support order. We can only hope for the best here.

I think that's what has to be weighed - is an extra $800 a month worth losing his son ( if you think that's how it will play out)?

MEP923 · October 2013

I don't get why you didn't DNA test when this went through court. You are going to have to get one through the court. Any money you had before the court order probably can't be paid back. I hope he stays in the boys life.

notkateanymore · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Marchy, your H sounds like a gem. A cut above the rest. (Super sarcasm font)
Lol. He's actually a really good guy. It's his daughters. And he's a good father. He will always stick with his daughters, no matter what. But in this situation, I think he was just being a pussy. They do have tendency to gang up on people and I'm sure he's scared of them. But no really though. He's a really really good guy! He has his moments but for the most part he's good.

A good man doesn't let what you wrote happen to his wife. No matter why or who did it. I would have left his ass. Lord, you deserve more respect than that.
I don't agree with leaving your husband when he makes a mistake btw. I agree that I don't deserve to be treated like that but to leave him is a little much.

Except that's a pretty big thing and you never seem to be happy with him anyway. I'm not suggesting YOU leave him, but I can tell you that it wouldn't fly in my relationship and if there weren't major changes, I'd be out.

cboink · October 2013

I was refraining from posting cause this is a disaster waiting to happen, however, having a 12 year old son myself I just want to point out how Fragile they are at this age. Their hormones are raging as puberty is starting and now more than ever he will need his dad. He is going to have so many changes in his body and probably won't want to talk to his mom at all. You all are playing with fire at this age. Tread very lightly.

notkateanymore · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Only if he wants to be involved in the child's life as a father figure, like you said he did.
He does. But $800?! It's too much! If we can go back to last year and all years prior when it was $400 a month then ok. But $800!

I guess the reason I think he should continue to pay as much as he can of what he was paying is that he is his father to the boy. If you don't plan on coming clean to him, how do you explain that? When there are activities that can't be done, clothes and supplies not bought? Also, while he continues to pay his ex-wife for grown children that should be able to support himself.

I'm curious...did you do the at home test or did he? No judgement.

notkateanymore · October 2013

Wow KatyJ...good math skills. I can't add this early in the morning!

Sigir · October 2013

KateMW said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Only if he wants to be involved in the child's life as a father figure, like you said he did.
He does. But $800?! It's too much! If we can go back to last year and all years prior when it was $400 a month then ok. But $800!

I guess the reason I think he should continue to pay as much as he can of what he was paying is that he is his father to the boy. If you don't plan on coming clean to him, how do you explain that? When there are activities that can't be done, clothes and supplies not bought? Also, while he continues to pay his ex-wife for grown children that should be able to support himself.

I'm curious...did you do the at home test or did he? No judgement.

Being in a blended family myself, I have a little experience. When you go to court for child support change, there is a state-mandated calculator that takes into account each parties' salaries, other children, etc. Then the amount that is to be paid is calculated. You can't argue with it. You can't change it. It is what it is, and all in all, it's fair (although it's on the low side IMO). So really, OP, you need to flip your thinking.... your dh has been UNDERPAYING for the past 12 years. His son (in spirit if not by blood) has been not getting the support he deserves, per the state. You should actually consider yourself lucky that your dh's bm did not take him to court earlier. So, no, there is no way you should get back to $400. It was UNDERPAYMENT. it was not fair to the child.

I love how so many people who are not raising a child get so up in arms about the expense of child support. I would love to see these same people actually raise a child on child support. I would love to see people who are getting rich off child support! Because they don't exist (and if they do, they are very rare). My child support is a drop in the bucket for what I pay for my dc. No complaints, expenses are a part of having a child, but when I hear "I want to pay the child directly, I don't want the bm getting a dime she can spend on herself" I just laugh. People who say that have no clue.

Regarding the issue at hand, see a lawyer because after 12 years, I have a feeling there is no getting out of this for your dh. He is the child's father, even if not by blood. Is it worth destroying this boy's life, on the edge of puberty, for $400 - $800 a month, especially if your dh wants to stay in his life? I don't think it is. You will destroy this child at a very vulnerable age. It's not worth it, if you really care for this child.... especially because I don't think that it is going to be as easy as you think for your dh to just walk away from his obligations. I think what is going to happen is that this is going to be a long and protracted legal battle to try to deny parentage, it is going to destroy the boy and put your relationship under stress, and you are going to have to pay 10s of thousands in legal fees to save $400 - $800 a month.

Please think think think this through before you act. Think of the boy.

MEP923 · October 2013

Sigir said:

KateMW said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Only if he wants to be involved in the child's life as a father figure, like you said he did.
He does. But $800?! It's too much! If we can go back to last year and all years prior when it was $400 a month then ok. But $800!

I guess the reason I think he should continue to pay as much as he can of what he was paying is that he is his father to the boy. If you don't plan on coming clean to him, how do you explain that? When there are activities that can't be done, clothes and supplies not bought? Also, while he continues to pay his ex-wife for grown children that should be able to support himself.

I'm curious...did you do the at home test or did he? No judgement.

Being in a blended family myself, I have a little experience. When you go to court for child support change, there is a state-mandated calculator that takes into account each parties' salaries, other children, etc. Then the amount that is to be paid is calculated. You can't argue with it. You can't change it. It is what it is, and all in all, it's fair (although it's on the low side IMO). So really, OP, you need to flip your thinking.... your dh has been UNDERPAYING for the past 12 years. His son (in spirit if not by blood) has been not getting the support he deserves, per the state. You should actually consider yourself lucky that your dh's bm did not take him to court earlier. So, no, there is no way you should get back to $400. It was UNDERPAYMENT. it was not fair to the child.

I love how so many people who are not raising a child get so up in arms about the expense of child support. I would love to see these same people actually raise a child on child support. I would love to see people who are getting rich off child support! Because they don't exist (and if they do, they are very rare). My child support is a drop in the bucket for what I pay for my dc. No complaints, expenses are a part of having a child, but when I hear "I want to pay the child directly, I don't want the bm getting a dime she can spend on herself" I just laugh. People who say that have no clue.

Regarding the issue at hand, see a lawyer because after 12 years, I have a feeling there is no getting out of this for your dh. He is the child's father, even if not by blood. Is it worth destroying this boy's life, on the edge of puberty, for $400 - $800 a month, especially if your dh wants to stay in his life? I don't think it is. You will destroy this child at a very vulnerable age. It's not worth it, if you really care for this child.... especially because I don't think that it is going to be as easy as you think for your dh to just walk away from his obligations. I think what is going to happen is that this is going to be a long and protracted legal battle to try to deny parentage, it is going to destroy the boy and put your relationship under stress, and you are going to have to pay 10s of thousands in legal fees to save $400 - $800 a month.

Please think think think this through before you act. Think of the boy.

I agree x100. As a mother who gets 400 a month from my son's biological father, it is not enough. The thought that I could pay my mortgage, bills, DS's clothes, food, health insurance, extra circular activities, etc etc on 400 a month is ridiculous. Trust me, she has NO money at the end of the month for extras for herself. On 400 a month she is paying much more than you guys are. 400 was based on DS's father working a part time minimum wage job and my son being young (they get more support as they get older) so the 800 a month was probably fair.

eta: I hope you guys don't actually ask for any of the money back. If he knew there was a chance this kid was his a simple DNA test at birth or at the court would have solved this. Taking money from the mother is taking from the child. It's a sucky situation but don't make the kid pay for what the mom did.

notkateanymore · October 2013

I still want to know whose idea the test was and why you didn't do it through the courts if you were planning to try and stop the child support.

lp0 · October 2013

Wow! That was some interesting reading over my morning coffee.

What a terrible situation to be in! Honestly I could understand not wanting a court ordered child support order, if on principle alone. BUT there is a good chance if that gets revoked that your DH will also have any/all rights to his son also taken away. Luckily his son is old enough to decide if he wants a relationship with your DH but that's assuming his mother doesn't poison the relationship first.

My DH found out at 25 that his dad wasn't his biological father (a family member came forth and told him because he felt he had a right to know). For DH it was kind of a blessing because his dad is a scumbag and he had distanced himself from him a couple years prior. It made him feel better that he had no blood ties to this man. However, it created a lot of resentment towards his mom because she never told him (and then said she had no intentions of ever telling him). MIL is fucked up in every aspect of living though so this was kind of the final straw.

So while DH felt relieved it also left him angry and with a lot of questions that went unanswered. It also made DH question and lose trust in everything in his life, it was rough for him. I would say be honest with your step son and lay it all out on the table. He's going to be hurt but he'll come to terms with it. It will be better to know his dad still wants to be a part of his life even if his mother doesn't want him to.

kittyh8r · October 2013

Wow. This thread.

I don't even know what to say.

Good luck.

abbief584 · October 2013

katyj25 said:

Just doing a little simple math here, as I'm confused. You say YH is now 43 and his oldest is 25. That means he had her around age 18. You also say he was married for about 18 years. Let's say he got married at 18. He would have been married until around age 36. That was 7 years ago. How does he have a 12 year old from a different mother? If my math serves me correct, he'd have to have had an affair. I agree with the others, sounds like a real winner.

This was my first thought when she said he was married to her for 18 years. I knew something wasn't adding up but I didn't feel like doing the math.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

hswan91011 said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Soozerella said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Soozerella said:
Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Yes I totally do. If he had doubts 12 years ago he should of handled it then. This kid is depending on him now. I would probably go back to the 400 but he is still his father even if he isn't genetically and it sounds like this kid needs him.
Yea I hope that she'd be willing to do that. (Let H pay $400 and stay his Dad) I just have this feeling she's going to stop all communication and not let them have a relationship. She really isn't a pleasant person. There isn't any other way to change the amount of child support other than going to court and throwing out the child support order. We can only hope for the best here.
If you have a feeling it's going to go badly and hurt the child why risk it? You just said he quit paying his adult kids so why can't he afford to pay for a child that needs him, and only knows him to keep that relationship together??

That's what I've said. He wants to continue to pay his son. He will not pay the mother though. She lied to him for all these years. She won't get a another dime from him once court is done.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

katyj25 said:
Just doing a little simple math here, as I'm confused. You say YH is now 43 and his oldest is 25. That means he had her around age 18. You also say he was married for about 18 years. Let's say he got married at 18. He would have been married until around age 36. That was 7 years ago. How does he have a 12 year old from a different mother? If my math serves me correct, he'd have to have had an affair. I agree with the others, sounds like a real winner.

I'm not sure how long they were married. I know his ex wife and she never said anything to me about an affair. He married her at 16. But I was saying "maybe 18 years or something like that" I don't know, and I don't care how long he was married to her lol. Thanks for judging my H. He's a great father and now he's a bad guy. Whatever

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

Sigir said:

KateMW said:

Marchmellow2 said:

mrsashleyk said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Soozerella said:
Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Only if he wants to be involved in the child's life as a father figure, like you said he did.
He does. But $800?! It's too much! If we can go back to last year and all years prior when it was $400 a month then ok. But $800!

I guess the reason I think he should continue to pay as much as he can of what he was paying is that he is his father to the boy. If you don't plan on coming clean to him, how do you explain that? When there are activities that can't be done, clothes and supplies not bought? Also, while he continues to pay his ex-wife for grown children that should be able to support himself.

I'm curious...did you do the at home test or did he? No judgement.

Being in a blended family myself, I have a little experience. When you go to court for child support change, there is a state-mandated calculator that takes into account each parties' salaries, other children, etc. Then the amount that is to be paid is calculated. You can't argue with it. You can't change it. It is what it is, and all in all, it's fair (although it's on the low side IMO). So really, OP, you need to flip your thinking.... your dh has been UNDERPAYING for the past 12 years. His son (in spirit if not by blood) has been not getting the support he deserves, per the state. You should actually consider yourself lucky that your dh's bm did not take him to court earlier. So, no, there is no way you should get back to $400. It was UNDERPAYMENT. it was not fair to the child.

I love how so many people who are not raising a child get so up in arms about the expense of child support. I would love to see these same people actually raise a child on child support. I would love to see people who are getting rich off child support! Because they don't exist (and if they do, they are very rare). My child support is a drop in the bucket for what I pay for my dc. No complaints, expenses are a part of having a child, but when I hear "I want to pay the child directly, I don't want the bm getting a dime she can spend on herself" I just laugh. People who say that have no clue.

Regarding the issue at hand, see a lawyer because after 12 years, I have a feeling there is no getting out of this for your dh. He is the child's father, even if not by blood. Is it worth destroying this boy's life, on the edge of puberty, for $400 - $800 a month, especially if your dh wants to stay in his life? I don't think it is. You will destroy this child at a very vulnerable age. It's not worth it, if you really care for this child.... especially because I don't think that it is going to be as easy as you think for your dh to just walk away from his obligations. I think what is going to happen is that this is going to be a long and protracted legal battle to try to deny parentage, it is going to destroy the boy and put your relationship under

stress, and you are going to have to pay 10s of thousands in legal fees to save $400 - $800 a month.

Please think think think this through before you act. Think of the boy.

How do you know what he was making for 12 years? And the other kids don't count? Whatever.. You obviously don't know s the facts so don't assume it was underpayment. He's a great father and intends in staying that way.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

MEP923 said:

Sigir said:

KateMW said:

Marchmellow2 said:

mrsashleyk said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Soozerella said:
Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Only if he wants to be involved in the child's life as a father figure, like you said he did.
He does. But $800?! It's too much! If we can go back to last year and all years prior when it was $400 a month then ok. But $800!

I guess the reason I think he should continue to pay as much as he can of what he was paying is that he is his father to the boy. If you don't plan on coming clean to him, how do you explain that? When there are activities that can't be done, clothes and supplies not bought? Also, while he continues to pay his ex-wife for grown children that should be able to support himself.

I'm curious...did you do the at home test or did he? No judgement.

Being in a blended family myself, I have a little experience. When you go to court for child support change, there is a state-mandated calculator that takes into account each parties' salaries, other children, etc. Then the amount that is to be paid is calculated. You can't argue with it. You can't change it. It is what it is, and all in all, it's fair (although it's on the low side IMO). So really, OP, you need to flip your thinking.... your dh has been UNDERPAYING for the past 12 years. His son (in spirit if not by blood) has been not getting the support he deserves, per the state. You should actually consider yourself lucky that your dh's bm did not take him to court earlier. So, no, there is no way you should get back to $400. It was UNDERPAYMENT. it was not fair to the child.

I love how so many people who are not raising a child get so up in arms about the expense of child support. I would love to see these same people actually raise a child on child support. I would love to see people who are getting rich off child support! Because they don't exist (and if they do, they are very rare). My child support is a drop in the bucket for what I pay for my dc. No complaints, expenses are a part of having a child, but when I hear "I want to pay the child directly, I don't want the bm getting a dime she can spend on herself" I just laugh. People who say that have no clue.

Regarding the issue at hand, see a lawyer because after 12 years, I have a feeling there is no getting out of this for your dh. He is the child's father, even if not by blood. Is it worth destroying this boy's life, on the edge of puberty, for $400 - $800 a month, especially if your dh wants to stay in his life? I don't think it is. You will destroy this child at a very vulnerable age. It's not worth it, if you really care for this child.... especially because I don't think that it is going to be as easy as you think for your dh to just walk away from his obligations. I think what is going to happen is that this is going to be a long and protracted legal battle to try to deny parentage, it is going to destroy the boy and put your relationship under stress, and you are going to have to pay 10s of thousands in legal fees to save $400 - $800 a month.

Please think think think this through before you act. Think of the boy.

I agree x100. As a mother who gets 400 a month from my son's biological father, it is not enough. The thought that I could pay my mortgage, bills, DS's clothes, food, health insurance, extra circular activities, etc etc on 400 a month is ridiculous. Trust me, she has NO money at the end of the month for extras for herself. On 400 a month she is paying much more than you guys are. 400 was based on DS's father working a part time minimum wage job and my son being young (they get more support as they get older) so the 800 a month was probably fair.

eta: I hope you guys don't actually ask for any of the money back. If he

knew there was a chance this kid was his a simple DNA test at birth or at the court would have solved this. Taking money from the mother is taking from the child. It's a sucky situation but don't make the kid pay for what the mom did.

Trust me she has money. She works for the state and makes $2400 a month on topic the $800 she gets from H. You don't have a clue how much H makes so don't assume it's underpayment. Either way the man payed all this without a court order. You can't say that for most fathers not in the child's life. The mother needs to find the real father. H will stay his dad as long as she lets him

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

KateMW said:
I still want to know whose idea the test was and why you didn't do it through the courts if you were planning to try and stop the child support.

I said this before. He missed the court date by a day. He would've got a test through the court if he would've had his days right. It was his idea! He was upset he missed the court date to get the DNA test, so he did it himself,

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

JazElsMomma said:

Soozerella said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Soozerella said:
Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Yes I totally do. If he had doubts 12 years ago he should of handled it then. This kid is depending on him now. I would probably go back to the 400 but he is still his father even if he isn't genetically and it sounds like this kid needs him.
Agreed. If he wants to still "be" the father and have rights then he should continue support. All this seems likeit could be settled between the mom and him if he sat down with her and told her what he found out and that he is still willing to pay a reduced amount. She should be grateful and maybe it could save you the $5K

Yea but he isn't going to give a lying woman money. He's really upset she did this to him. I'm not sure he can be cool enough to give the bitch more money. He wants to support the child only! There are ways to do that

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

JazElsMomma said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Cashingn2 said:
Well, can you ask your H if he'd be willing to support a 28 year ol d? We can pretend he's my father lol. I can't believe he's still paying for grown ass adults...especially with a kid on the way
Haha! ...and yes it makes me furious that he continues to pay them. Especially after what they did to me. They did me so wrong back in June. I cooked for their asses all day for their graduation party of 200 people. I was only one who cooked! 40 lbs of beef and made a nacho bar and I go to this big party and the door man wouldn't let me in! I wasn't on the guest list you can imagine how I felt! I thought they liked me! I called H and they told him they didn't want me there! That hurt so bad! I went back to the room with MIL cause she thought it was awful what they did. And guess what H did? Nothing!!!!!! He stayed at the party and partying the night away with them after I slaved away did them and they told me I couldn't even come in! He stayed with THEM! They have no respect for me and obviously him but he is too pussy to say something to them!
W. T. F??? Seriously?! I would have flipped out AND donated my food to a shelter. He should have stood up for you.

I did flip. The food was already in the party. They took it from the kitchen when I was done. Then I got all ready and went to the party and BOOM! Yea it was awful! But I'm not going to leave my H over it.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

mrsashleyk said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Sigir said:

KateMW said:

Marchmellow2 said:

mrsashleyk said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Soozerella said:
Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Only if he wants to be involved in the child's life as a father figure, like you said he did.
He does. But $800?! It's too much! If we can go back to last year and all years prior when it was $400 a month then ok. But $800!

I guess the reason I think he should continue to pay as much as he can of what he was paying is that he is his father to the boy. If you don't plan on coming clean to him, how do you explain that? When there are activities that can't be done, clothes and supplies not bought? Also, while he continues to pay his ex-wife for grown children that should be able to support himself.

I'm curious...did you do the at home test or did he? No judgement.

Being in a blended family myself, I have a little experience. When you go to court for child support change, there is a state-mandated calculator that takes into account each parties' salaries, other children, etc. Then the amount that is to be paid is calculated. You can't argue with it. You can't change it. It is what it is, and all in all, it's fair (although it's on the low side IMO). So really, OP, you need to flip your thinking.... your dh has been UNDERPAYING for the past 12 years. His son (in spirit if not by blood) has been not getting the support he deserves, per the state. You should actually consider yourself lucky that your dh's bm did not take him to court earlier. So, no, there is no way you should get back to $400. It was UNDERPAYMENT. it was not fair to the child.

I love how so many people who are not raising a child get so up in arms about the expense of child support. I would love to see these same people actually raise a child on child support. I would love to see people who are getting rich off child support! Because they don't exist (and if they do, they are very rare). My child support is a drop in the bucket for what I pay for my dc. No complaints, expenses are a part of having a child, but when I hear "I want to pay the child directly, I don't want the bm getting a dime she can spend on herself" I just laugh. People who say that have no clue.

Regarding the issue at hand, see a lawyer because after 12 years, I have a feeling there is no getting out of this for your dh. He is the child's father, even if not by blood. Is it worth destroying this boy's life, on the edge of puberty, for $400 - $800 a month, especially if your dh wants to stay in his life? I don't think it is. You will destroy this child at a very vulnerable age. It's not worth it, if you really care for this child.... especially because I don't think that it is going to be as easy as you think for your dh to just walk away from his obligations. I think what is going to happen is that this is going to be a long and protracted legal battle to try to deny parentage, it is going to destroy the boy and put your relationship under

stress, and you are going to have to pay 10s of thousands in legal fees to save $400 - $800 a month.

Please think think think this through before you act. Think of the boy.

How do you know what he was making for 12 years? And the other kids don't count? Whatever.. You obviously don't know s the facts so don't assume it was underpayment. He's a great father and intends in staying that way.

If he intended on staying that way he wouldn't have ran to cvs for a DNA test the moment his child support was raised. He was obviously looking for a way out by wanting to prove the child isn't his.

First of all it wasn't CVS. It was DDC. Second, trust me when I say he really really wants to continue to be his father. I Can't believe some woman are here are siding with the mother. He should not continue to give HER money. He will make sure he gives the money to the boy. He wants to stay his Dad, no question about that. But that bitch doesn't deserve a dime after what she did.

SoMoNY · October 2013

While I feel bad for the kid who is the most innocent person in this mess I'd be livid about paying all that CS for a kid that wasn't mine.

I'd totally go to court to have it stopped and sue for all the prior payments.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

Ashleynh5 said:
This post seriously annoys me. I'm sorry for your situation. But this should be about the best interest of the child. As someone whose family is in the middle of a child custody case it irks me that you're so concerned about the money and not about the emotional trauma this little boy is going to endure.

I made it clear that I was more concerned about the boy. I don't even want the boy knowing! This is tough. The boy will probably find out by his mom and she won't be sensitive about it. I wish we could all be there to support him when he does find out. That way we can make clear that we aren't going anywhere!

SoMoNY · October 2013

There is a special place in hell for folks that use children against their spouse/partner

SoMoNY · October 2013

tarashea721 said:

Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
He's technically paying for the child,not the mom. But, after 12 years I do think he has an obligation to this child. Why should the child suffer and lose his father? Its a tough spot to be in.

You would have no problem with your DH paying $800 a month for a kid that isn't his?

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

I love how some people are here to judge my H, as if he did something wrong. He has rights and has been paying for a child that wasn't his. But still he gets judged? The kid lives in another state and H has paid all his kids all their lives without a court order. Until this lying bitch decided to take H to court and garnish his wages for child support for a kid that's not even his. You damn right he's pissed! He really really wants to continue to be this child's father but prefer to go back to paying him without a court order and pay him directly.

kittyh8r · October 2013

If my H had a child from a previous relationship and found out after 12 years that the child was biologically his, we would be pissed! Not because we're paying CS, but because she lied for so long. That child deserves to know who his bio father is from the beginning. I can completely understand the anger. I think since you're so mad, you should wait before you do anything. Cool off, and then contact a lawyer and see what you can do. This is going to rock this child's world if he finds out(which I think he should know), and stripping the money away is going to make it worse. Realistically, giving a 12 year old the money you were giving his mom isn't going to work either. Remember being 12? I would only buy candy with that money. If she cuts off contact like you think she will, you won't know specific needs to put that money towards. If a relationship is important to you, going to a court and informing them that they're not biologically related is not going to do anything good for you. Either you have the relationship you want and pay the money, or possibly lose the relationship and quit paying. The priority should definitely be the relationship.

I don't know your H, BUT holy cow. Yeah, good luck.

Aycul18 · October 2013

It doesn't really seem that anyone is judging your H for being in this kid's life. It is very admirable that he wants to stay in it. What everyone does seem to be judging is this:

1) If he goes back to court for a DNA test to stop paying for child support, then you are hurting the kid.

2) The way he treated you when it comes to his other children.

So at the end of the day it's a catch 22. If you go to court, you fuck the kid at a fragile age. If you don't go to court, he has to swallow his pride and continue paying $800 a month for a kid that isn't technically his. If the kid is as important as you are making him out to be to you and H, then you guys shouldn't go back to court because the only one that gets hurt is the poor boy.

And second, if you don't want people to judge H, perhaps you shouldn't tell everyone what a fucking asshole he is for leaving you outside of his girls' graduation party, rather than growing a pair and either A) walking you in

Opening his damn mouth or C) Walking the hell out of the damn party himself!

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

mrsashleyk said:

Marchmellow2 said:

mrsashleyk said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Sigir said:

KateMW said:

Marchmellow2 said:

mrsashleyk said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Soozerella said:
Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Only if he wants to be involved in the child's life as a father figure, like you said he did.
He does. But $800?! It's too much! If we can go back to last year and all years prior when it was $400 a month then ok. But $800!

I guess the reason I think he should continue to pay as much as he can of what he was paying is that he is his father to the boy. If you don't plan on coming clean to him, how do you explain that? When there are activities that can't be done, clothes and supplies not bought? Also, while he continues to pay his ex-wife for grown children that should be able to support himself.

I'm curious...did you do the at home test or did he? No judgement.

Being in a blended family myself, I have a little experience. When you go to court for child support change, there is a state-mandated calculator that takes into account each parties' salaries, other children, etc. Then the amount that is to be paid is calculated. You can't argue with it. You can't change it. It is what it is, and all in all, it's fair (although it's on the low side IMO). So really, OP, you need to flip your thinking.... your dh has been UNDERPAYING for the past 12 years. His son (in spirit if not by blood) has been not getting the support he deserves, per the state. You should actually consider yourself lucky that your dh's bm did not take him to court earlier. So, no, there is no way you should get back to $400. It was UNDERPAYMENT. it was not fair to the child.

I love how so many people who are not raising a child get so up in arms about the expense of child support. I would love to see these same people actually raise a child on child support. I would love to see people who are getting rich off child support! Because they don't exist (and if they do, they are very rare). My child support is a drop in the bucket for what I pay for my dc. No complaints, expenses are a part of having a child, but when I hear "I want to pay the child directly, I don't want the bm getting a dime she can spend on herself" I just laugh. People who say that have no clue.

Regarding the issue at hand, see a lawyer because after 12 years, I have a feeling there is no getting out of this for your dh. He is the child's father, even if not by blood. Is it worth destroying this boy's life, on the edge of puberty, for $400 - $800 a month, especially if your dh wants to stay in his life? I don't think it is. You will destroy this child at a very vulnerable age. It's not worth it, if you really care for this child.... especially because I don't think that it is going to be as easy as you think for your dh to just walk away from his obligations. I think what is going to happen is that this is going to be a long and protracted legal battle to try to deny parentage, it is going to destroy the boy and put your relationship under

stress, and you are going to have to pay 10s of thousands in legal fees to save $400 - $800 a month.

Please think think think this through before you act. Think of the boy.
How do you know what he was making for 12 years? And the other kids don't count? Whatever.. You obviously don't know s the facts so don't assume it was underpayment. He's a great father and intends in staying that way.
If he intended on staying that way he wouldn't have ran to cvs for a DNA test the moment his child support was raised. He was obviously looking for a way out by wanting to prove the child isn't his.

First of all it wasn't CVS. It was DDC. Second, trust me when I say he really really wants to continue to be his father. I Can't believe some woman are here are siding with the mother. He should not continue to give HER money. He will make sure he gives the money to the boy. He wants to stay his Dad, no question about that. But that bitch doesn't deserve a dime after what she did.

I'm definitely not siding with the mother, but I had a stepmom who used to tell us all the time that my dad was broke because he had to "pay my mom" so much money every month and that's why he couldn't visit us as much. (Not that that's what you're doing) It's bullshit. You aren't paying "that bitch" money every month. You're giving her the money to spend on behalf of her child, because well, you just can't give a twelve year old 800 dollars and expect them to spend it responsibly.

And again, you don't perform at home DNA tests to prove a child is not yours for any other reason than you are looking for a way out of your parental obligations. If he's going to use the he's not my kid card to get out

of paying child support, then he's pretty much going to have to own up

to the fact that he's not his kid in all aspects of his life. You can't have it both ways.

Like I said, there are ways to give the kid money. Like bank account and card that only allows a certain amount to be used a month. When the kid gets older he will have money saved up in an account. Trust me there are ways to give the kid money.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

EmmaBoBemma said:
If my H had a child from a previous relationship and found out after 12 years that the child was biologically his, we would be pissed! Not because we're paying CS, but because she lied for so long. That child deserves to know who his bio father is from the beginning. I can completely understand the anger. I think since you're so mad, you should wait before you do anything. Cool off, and then contact a lawyer and see what you can do. This is going to rock this child's world if he finds out(which I think he should know), and stripping the money away is going to make it worse. Realistically, giving a 12 year old the money you were giving his mom isn't going to work either. Remember being 12? I would only buy candy with that money. If she cuts off contact like you think she will, you won't know specific needs to put that money towards. If a relationship is important to you, going to a court and informing them that they're not biologically related is not going to do anything good for you. Either you have the relationship you want and pay the money, or possibly lose the relationship and quit paying. The priority should definitely be the relationship.

I don't know your H, BUT holy cow. Yeah, good luck.

Yes I agree. That's why we aren't telling anyone yet. We are going to get a lawyer and take it slowly. We want to put money in an account for the kid and give him a card to use that only allows a certain amount to be dispersed monthly. I have a feeling it will all work out. As long as the mom allows us to do this.

mavgirl_73 · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:
I love how some people are here to judge my H, as if he did something wrong. He has rights and has been paying for a child that wasn't his. But still he gets judged? The kid lives in another state and H has paid all his kids all their lives without a court order. Until this lying bitch decided to take H to court and garnish his wages for child support for a kid that's not even his. You damn right he's pissed! He really really wants to continue to be this child's father but prefer to go back to paying him without a court order and pay him directly.

I think it's the flip flopping between he's his father in name but not indeed that is throwing people. As PP said you don't get to have it both ways. Paying a child, because that is what he is, who does not have the cognitive ability to appropriately spend large amounts of money that his parents give him, is just ludicrous.

And just realize that if the court also determines that he is not the biological father he may not have rights to see him, have contact, etc. his mother does sound sketchy at best but she then will make all of the decisions regardless of what you or your husband think or want.

Lastly how do you not know the details of your husbands last marriage, especially one that includes multiple children? It's one thing to not know the details of every relationship but you better believe that if DH had been married to someone and had several children I better know all the details, including how long they were married and which of the children he already has belong to that woman.

Lastly if you don't want people to judge you, don't put your incredibly dramatic paternity testing story on a board full of people who have minuscule knowledge of you and your family situation.

MEP923 · October 2013

I'm not saying he's a bad dad. He's seems like he will do a lot for his children and I do feel bad for him. I think he should financially cut off those older children outside of college and still support this young child. I don't see how it's fair to give the older ones everything and leave the younger one in the dust, even if he's not biologically his. Blood does not equal being daddy. My husband is my son's dad and he does everything for him. He's the one who works his ass off for my son. If your husband still plans to treat these child as his own then he needs to do that. It seems like he treats his daughters differently even though they are adults and this boy is a child. Also, I understand paying for things for the boy on the side like clothes, etc but child support isn't just made for that. It's also made so the child can have a roof over his head, food in the fridge and health insurance. If you only buy clothes, toys etc I'm not sure how you are going to help him have those essential things.

dbucks · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

EmmaBoBemma said:
If my H had a child from a previous relationship and found out after 12 years that the child was biologically his, we would be pissed! Not because we're paying CS, but because she lied for so long. That child deserves to know who his bio father is from the beginning. I can completely understand the anger. I think since you're so mad, you should wait before you do anything. Cool off, and then contact a lawyer and see what you can do. This is going to rock this child's world if he finds out(which I think he should know), and stripping the money away is going to make it worse. Realistically, giving a 12 year old the money you were giving his mom isn't going to work either. Remember being 12? I would only buy candy with that money. If she cuts off contact like you think she will, you won't know specific needs to put that money towards. If a relationship is important to you, going to a court and informing them that they're not biologically related is not going to do anything good for you. Either you have the relationship you want and pay the money, or possibly lose the relationship and quit paying. The priority should definitely be the relationship.

I don't know your H, BUT holy cow. Yeah, good luck.
Yes I agree. That's why we aren't telling anyone yet. We are going to get a lawyer and take it slowly. We want to put money in an account for the kid and give him a card to use that only allows a certain amount to be dispersed monthly. I have a feeling it will all work out. As long as the mom allows us to do this.

I really think you are undetestimating the complexity of the situation. It will not be this easy. It just won't. The son is going to interpret this as abandonment, regardless of your husband's actions, and it is going to get REALLY messy. It doesn't seem worth it to me.

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

mavgirl_73 said:

Marchmellow2 said:
I love how some people are here to judge my H, as if he did something wrong. He has rights and has been paying for a child that wasn't his. But still he gets judged? The kid lives in another state and H has paid all his kids all their lives without a court order. Until this lying bitch decided to take H to court and garnish his wages for child support for a kid that's not even his. You damn right he's pissed! He really really wants to continue to be this child's father but prefer to go back to paying him without a court order and pay him directly.
I think it's the flip flopping between he's his father in name but not indeed that is throwing people. As PP said you don't get to have it both ways. Paying a child, because that is what he is, who does not have the cognitive ability to appropriately spend large amounts of money that his parents give him, is just ludicrous.

And just realize that if the court also determines that he is not the biological father he may not have rights to see him, have contact, etc. his mother does sound sketchy at best but she then will make all of the decisions regardless of what you or your husband think or want.

Lastly how do you not know the details of your husbands last marriage, especially one that includes multiple children? It's one thing to not know the details of every relationship but you better believe that if DH had been married to someone and had several children I better know all the details, including how long they were married and which of the children he already has belong to that woman.

Lastly if you don't want people to judge you, don't put your incredibly dramatic paternity testing story on a board full of people who have minuscule knowledge of you and your family situation.

I don't care if you judge me. I care that you're judging my DH. Because he's really a good dad. And people are saying he isn't.

I do know all the details about his marriage I just don't remember how long they were married for! I'm actually friends with his ex wife.

And yes like I said before I HOPE the mother doesn't rip him then from each other's lives to be nasty.

mavgirl_73 · October 2013

So just so I'm getting this right...you're friends with his ex wife but he and she allow their daughters to treat you this way?

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

MEP923 said:
I'm not saying he's a bad dad. He's seems like he will do a lot for his children and I do feel bad for him. I think he should financially cut off those older children outside of college and still support this young child. I don't see how it's fair to give the older ones everything and leave the younger one in the dust, even if he's not biologically his. Blood does not equal being daddy. My husband is my son's dad and he does everything for him. He's the one who works his ass off for my son. If your husband still plans to treat these child as his own then he needs to do that. It seems like he treats his daughters differently even though they are adults and this boy is a child. Also, I understand paying for things for the boy on the side like clothes, etc but child support isn't just made for that. It's also made so the child can have a roof over his head, food in the fridge and health insurance. If you only buy clothes, toys etc I'm not sure how you are going to help him have those essential things.

I agree with most of what you said. The mom makes enough to take care of the child and housing and stuff. If she didn't then we would probably continue to give her money to pay for rent and bills. But she makes enough. So if we could just get an account to pay the kid with then that would be ideal. (See previous posts where I explained the bank acct). I agree that he needs to cut the girls off.

sickreferencebro · October 2013

Marchmellow2 said:

Marchmellow2 said:

Marchy, your H sounds like a gem. A cut above the rest. (Super sarcasm font)
Lol. He's actually a really good guy. It's his daughters. And he's a good father. He will always stick with his daughters, no matter what. But in this situation, I think he was just being a pussy. They do have tendency to gang up on people and I'm sure he's scared of them. But no really though. He's a really really good guy! He has his moments but for the most part he's good.

A good man doesn't let what you wrote happen to his wife. No matter why or who did it. I would have left his ass. Lord, you deserve more respect than that.
You're right I deserve more respect than that! I was very upset and still am! He has nothing to say about it except that it will never happen again. It really really hurt me. And I never thought that I would be treated like that. He did say that he said something to them but I told him it doesn't matter if you yelled at them for what they did, actions speak way louder than words and you pretty much told them and me that they're more important than me and you! He now realizes what he did was fucked up after I told one of his friends and they also said what he did was messed up. I don't why it took that to realize what he did was wrong though! AND he still pays them!!! Wtf! Well too bad they won't ever meet their little brother! Very sad! My baby won't ever know his sisters. I mean you never know, maybe some day if they apologize to me they might but I doubt that will ever happen! I think he made a huge mistake and I forgave him. I still think he's an overall good guy though and everyone that knows him and me agrees. He's just dumb sometimes Eta: clarification

I realize that I missed all the hoopla going on about this yesterday, but I just wanted to say that I believe you that your H is usually a good guy... Some (well ok perhaps most) men are truly just wired differently from women. They do not see the larger picture of what their actions mean or how they might affect loved ones. There was a great episode of This American Life (radio show on NPR for those of you not as nerdy as I am) about men and how so many of their emotional attributes can mirror autism spectrum.

My DH, who adores me and wants nothing but the best for me and our family, definitely needs a swift kick in the pants now and again to get him to see how his actions might hurt me. Obviously nothing as dramatic and glaringly obvious as your DH, but still I do think that men, until it is spelled out for them, have no clue that their actions (such as leaving you in the dust to party hardy with his bitchdaughters) mean anything to anyone.

Sorry if this is rambling. Just wanted you to know that yes, even good men can be technically, clinically retarded.

And FWIW, having worked for a family law attorney for years, I wouldn't recommend walking into a court room without first hiring an attorney. Otherwise you're likely to already be on the losing end of any dispute (at least that's the case in NY).

notkateanymore · October 2013

mavgirl_73 said:

So just so I'm getting this right...you're friends with his ex wife but he and she allow their daughters to treat you this way?

And if you're friends, whyedon't you just ask for the background story of how he has another kid when he was supposed to be married? I mean, you are about to have a child with this man...don't know want to know what you're getting into?

74dragonfly · October 2013

How much do you see this boy if he lives in another state?

Marchmellow2 · October 2013

KateMW said:

mavgirl_73 said:

So just so I'm getting this right...you're friends with his ex wife but he and she allow their daughters to treat you this way?

And if you're friends, whyedon't you just ask for the background story of how he has another kid when he was supposed to be married? I mean, you are about to have a child with this man...don't know want to know what you're getting into?

I do know this stuff I just dont remember. Trust me I asked. I just don't remember. I have been with him for 9 years, trust me I checked into everything. I have to go do something guys BRB

2010weddinggal · October 2013

I was keeping quiet cause this is one hell of a train wreck, but march mav is right your going to get people that judge. I'm super sorry but to me this sounds like some awesome made up drama, mav is right how do you not know about your husbands previous marriage? I would have found out everything before I even said yes to the proposal. You keep defending your husband but I have once seen him stick up for you this whole post. Why all of a sudden 12 years later run a DNA test? Why not do one when the kid was younger? You go to court, your going to drag some drama into this kids life. Do I think your husband should have to pay 800 bucks a month for a kiddo that is not his no, should he have found this out years ago yes absolutely. Sounds like he he had doubts when the baby was younger why not do the DNA test then?

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