My turn to be nosy... Is the mom playing dumb, or does she really not realize H isn't the father? And not to sound ignorant, and I hope it doesn't come off this way, but if H is really dark, and mom has no white, but the kid is really light, does he not ask questions about his parentage? I mean I understand that sometimes very dark people have lighter kids, but if there is really such a huge difference as it seems in this case, I would think that by 12 the kid would ask questions.
I'm sorry that you three have to deal with this. That poor little boy. He's lucky to have you and I hope you are still able to be a part of his life. Did she know and deliberately keep it from him? Quite brazen to take someone to court if she actually knew!
My brother and his wife are recently divorced after a 3 yr marriage and a year-long separation. Two little girls 5 and 2. They were engaged, broke up, and got back together. Only she came back with a baby, 3months older than my youngest. The math sort of worked, but after a year of loving and enjoying our niece/granddaughter, she came clean. My bro was devastated. Still married her. She left several times and he'd get her, except last August, he didn't. He'd had enough. Then we found out that she physically abused him, and because he wouldn't hit back, she kept on doing it. Once or twice, he did, and she told everyone that he beats her. She however has gotten reckless and twice in the past year has attacked him and left bite marks, even hit him with a rock. This time HE went to the police and doc. A few weeks after the divorce was finalised this year, she saw him talking to a woman outside a club. She attacked them both.
The kids are the ones who suffer most. He is the only father my niece has known these 5+ years, and my ex SIL threatens to keep her away whenever things don't go her way. He's not obligated under the terms of their divorce to pay child support, but he pays her school fees, buys her clothes. Treats her as his own like he always did. She has to be the most horrible person I know. Not a maternal bone in her body, but she uses the kids against him. Can't make this stuff up.
He pays support for obviously adult children? That's crazy. Maybe if he didn't do that, he wouldn't have to be gone so much for work!
THANK YOU!! You are very correct! This is a big problem with us. His girls also decided to shun me when I got pregnant! I've done nothing to them and they hate me! They're Jahovas witnesses. They're awful little brats! And so spoiled. But they're becoming doctors so DH feels it's necessary. But I agree totally! He needs to cut the strings ASAP
I didn't think Jehovah's Witnesses would go to school to be doctors. I had cousins that are JW's and they always acted like they had to devote their lives to the church and not schooling, etc.
Oh they do! That's why they've never worked! Their whole lives are about the church and I have a hard time even believing they go to school.
He pays support for obviously adult children? That's crazy. Maybe if he didn't do that, he wouldn't have to be gone so much for work!
Idk if it depends on the state but if they are still in school (college) he would have to pay til they graduate or got married/had a kid. I have an uncle who is 2 years older than me and got his masters and my grandpa paid child support the whole time.
That's what he thought! He thought he had to pay till they were either 25 or out of college. We'll come to find out he was wrong. In Texas it's 18 or put of HS not college. That's why he's continues to pay though. Cause he did it for the oldest so now he has to do it for the other girls too.
Lol no! He never was. I'm surprised they haven't shunned him! The 25 year old is thinking about throwing her education away to join a convent! FFS
Ummm, JW's don't have convents. Is she going to convert to Catholicism?
The equivalent to convent. I'm not sure what it's called. But a place where she goes and serves life as a JW. I used "convent" cause I don't know the name
Really @hswan91011 I have never heard of that. I do think it's a parents responsibility to pay for college and I can see helping out during, but my parents weren't forced to support me at that age, why should it be any different for divorced couples. Weird.
I don't know about all states and circumstances, but I'm from MA and my parents' divorce/child support order stated that my Dad's support would continue until we were finished with post secondary education or reached the age of 23, whichever came first. In my case, I finished college at age 22 so support for me stopped then. Even if I had taken my sweet time finishing, it would have stopped when I turned 23.
He pays support for obviously adult children? That's crazy. Maybe if he didn't do that, he wouldn't have to be gone so much for work!
THANK YOU!! You are very correct! This is a big problem with us. His girls also decided to shun me when I got pregnant! I've done nothing to them and they hate me! They're Jahovas witnesses. They're awful little brats! And so spoiled. But they're becoming doctors so DH feels it's necessary. But I agree totally! He needs to cut the strings ASAP
I didn't think Jehovah's Witnesses would go to school to be doctors. I had cousins that are JW's and they always acted like they had to devote their lives to the church and not schooling, etc.
Oh they do! That's why they've never worked! Their whole lives are about the church and I have a hard time even believing they go to school.
They have a building in Brooklyn that I guess is like a convent but they don't call it that. I think it's the Watchtower society or something like that. I always thought it was a weird name. I had to watch a video on it with my cousin. Btw, some of them do work, they just don't typically go to school for 8 yrs. I know a cardiac nurse that is one.
They work only for the church. Selling air conditioners everyday. The youngest is failing cause she can't do it all at once. She's expected to go to school full time and serve the JW
Wow. This really does suck for everyone involved. I'm sorry you have to deal with this now. Does mom know you know? Does mom actually realize that he isn't your DH's?
My turn to be nosy... Is the mom playing dumb, or does she really not realize H isn't the father? And not to sound ignorant, and I hope it doesn't come off this way, but if H is really dark, and mom has no white, but the kid is really light, does he not ask questions about his parentage? I mean I understand that sometimes very dark people have lighter kids, but if there is really such a huge difference as it seems in this case, I would think that by 12 the kid would ask questions.
Yes, he's always wondered. He questioned it for a while but decided he loved the kid and would wait to find out I guess. He was willing to be his dad. That's before she took him to court and garnished his wages. Now he really wants to know. And now he knows. He should of done something sooner, I agree, but he never wanted to hurt the child. It's just now it's a little more serious cause she's garnishing his wages for $800 you know.
My turn to be nosy... Is the mom playing dumb, or does she really not realize H isn't the father? And not to sound ignorant, and I hope it doesn't come off this way, but if H is really dark, and mom has no white, but the kid is really light, does he not ask questions about his parentage? I mean I understand that sometimes very dark people have lighter kids, but if there is really such a huge difference as it seems in this case, I would think that by 12 the kid would ask questions.
Yes, he's always wondered. He questioned it for a while but decided he loved the kid and would wait to find out I guess. He was willing to be his dad. That's before she took him to court and garnished his wages. Now he really wants to know. And now he knows. He should of done something sooner, I agree, but he never wanted to hurt the child. It's just now it's a little more serious cause she's garnishing his wages for $800 you know.
I wasn't asking about H, I was asking about the kid and his mom.
Really @hswan91011 I have never heard of that. I do think it's a parents responsibility to pay for college and I can see helping out during, but my parents weren't forced to support me at that age, why should it be any different for divorced couples. Weird.
Thats how it is in MO anyway. It is crazy, I'm sure at some point the child could he like ok he can stop but my uncle had a grudge so he stayed in college for a while on purpose just to collect the cash.
I'm having a hard time believing that a court orders parents to pay for adults until the get married. Are you sure it wasn't something that the parents put into an agreement and had the courts make official?
Nope, definetly not something they did. There may be a cap on the age at some point but I know he was 26 and still in college and getting CS, if he had gotten married before graduating or ha a baby it would have stopped then.
This is usually something that is court ordered. In court, if the father agrees to pay till a certain age then that's the order. It isn't a state mandate to pay till an adult age. I talked yo a lawyer about this. He said no state makes you pay till they're 25. It's something that gets ordered in court. As part of the stipulations.
My turn to be nosy... Is the mom playing dumb, or does she really not realize H isn't the father? And not to sound ignorant, and I hope it doesn't come off this way, but if H is really dark, and mom has no white, but the kid is really light, does he not ask questions about his parentage? I mean I understand that sometimes very dark people have lighter kids, but if there is really such a huge difference as it seems in this case, I would think that by 12 the kid would ask questions.
Yes, he's always wondered. He questioned it for a while but decided he loved the kid and would wait to find out I guess. He was willing to be his dad. That's before she took him to court and garnished his wages. Now he really wants to know. And now he knows. He should of done something sooner, I agree, but he never wanted to hurt the child. It's just now it's a little more serious cause she's garnishing his wages for $800 you know.
I wasn't asking about H, I was asking about the kid and his mom.
I edited at the end after reading. That yes I'm sure the mom knew the entire time. She is trifling like that. And no, no one knows yet. We don't plan on telling anyone until the court shows then the lab DNA results.
eta: sorry didn't see you were asking if SS questioned it. When he was here, I mentioned to him that DH had more white in him than he does. He was like "what?! No way! I'm really white though!" And we told him that the only white he had in him is from DH cause his mom has no white in her and DH is 1/4 white. So that makes him only 1/8 white. He was just surprised. No question asked.
I know a handful of Jehova's Witnesses! They run the barbershop next to my spa. And they are something else! No offense to anyone on TB if you are a JW! But they are the sneakiest of the sneak! I've gotten to know them very well in the past almost 7 years and their "beliefs" and behavior fascinate me.
But yeah I'm surprised your H wasn't shunned. Though his money is green so why would they.
Well, can you ask your H if he'd be willing to support a 28 year old? We can pretend he's my father lol. I can't believe he's still paying for grown ass adults...especially with a kid on the way
Haha! ...and yes it makes me furious that he continues to pay them. Especially after what they did to me. They did me so wrong back in June. I cooked for their asses all day for their graduation party of 200 people. I was only one who cooked! 40 lbs of beef and made a nacho bar and I go to this big party and the door man wouldn't let me in! I wasn't on the guest list you can imagine how I felt! I thought they liked me! I called H and they told him they didn't want me there! That hurt so bad! I went back to the room with MIL cause she thought it was awful what they did. And guess what H did? Nothing!!!!!! He stayed at the party and partying the night away with them after I slaved away did them and they told me I couldn't even come in! He stayed with THEM! They have no respect for me and obviously him but he is too pussy to say something to them!
I know a handful of Jehova's Witnesses! They run the barbershop next to my spa. And they are something else! No offense to anyone on TB if you are a JW! But they are the sneakiest of the sneak! I've gotten to know them very well in the past almost 7 years and their "beliefs" and behavior fascinate me.
But yeah I'm surprised your H wasn't shunned. Though his money is green so why would they.
Oooooooo! Exactly!! Quite a group of people for sure! His daughters are beyond sneaky! They lie all the time. And they are told it's ok to lie to people who are not JW.
As soon as H cut off the 25 year old that's when she decided to join this watchtower thing and give up school. I find it hard to believe she was even becoming a doctor in the first place. It's all fishy to me. But don't you dare say that to H about his precious little girls! Ugh
Marchy, your H sounds like a gem. A cut above the rest.
(Super sarcasm font)
Lol. He's actually a really good guy. It's his daughters. And he's a good father. He will always stick with his daughters, no matter what. But in this situation, I think he was just being a pussy. They do have tendency to gang up on people and I'm sure he's scared of them. But no really though. He's a really really good guy! He has his moments but for the most part he's good.
I'm fascinated and horrified by this situation at the same time. I can't imagine going 12 years thinking someone was my child, then having that all ripped away in a moment. So sad. But the situation with the adult children? WTF, Mr. Marchmellow? Time to cut the cord.
Marchy, your H sounds like a gem. A cut above the rest.
(Super sarcasm font)
Lol. He's actually a really good guy. It's his daughters. And he's a good father. He will always stick with his daughters, no matter what. But in this situation, I think he was just being a pussy. They do have tendency to gang up on people and I'm sure he's scared of them. But no really though. He's a really really good guy! He has his moments but for the most part he's good.
A good man doesn't let what you wrote happen to his wife. No matter why or who did it. I would have left his ass. Lord, you deserve more respect than that.
Marchy, your H sounds like a gem. A cut above the rest.
(Super sarcasm font)
Lol. He's actually a really good guy. It's his daughters. And he's a good father. He will always stick with his daughters, no matter what. But in this situation, I think he was just being a pussy. They do have tendency to gang up on people and I'm sure he's scared of them. But no really though. He's a really really good guy! He has his moments but for the most part he's good.
A good man doesn't let what you wrote happen to his wife. No matter why or who did it. I would have left his ass. Lord, you deserve more respect than that.
You're right I deserve more respect than that! I was very upset and still am! He has nothing to say about it except that it will never happen again. It really really hurt me. And I never thought that I would be treated like that. He did say that he said something to them but I told him it doesn't matter if you yelled at them for what they did, actions speak way louder than words and you pretty much told them and me that they're more important than me and you! He now realizes what he did was fucked up after I told one of his friends and they also said what he did was messed up. I don't why it took that to realize what he did was wrong though! AND he still pays them!!! Wtf! Well too bad they won't ever meet their little brother! Very sad! My baby won't ever know his sisters. I mean you never know, maybe some day if they apologize to me they might but I doubt that will ever happen!
I think he made a huge mistake and I forgave him. I still think he's an overall good guy though and everyone that knows him and me agrees. He's just dumb sometimes
Well, can you ask your H if he'd be willing to support a 28 year old? We can pretend he's my father lol. I can't believe he's still paying for grown ass adults...especially with a kid on the way
Haha! ...and yes it makes me furious that he continues to pay them. Especially after what they did to me. They did me so wrong back in June. I cooked for their asses all day for their graduation party of 200 people. I was only one who cooked! 40 lbs of beef and made a nacho bar and I go to this big party and the door man wouldn't let me in! I wasn't on the guest list you can imagine how I felt! I thought they liked me! I called H and they told him they didn't want me there! That hurt so bad! I went back to the room with MIL cause she thought it was awful what they did. And guess what H did? Nothing!!!!!! He stayed at the party and partying the night away with them after I slaved away did them and they told me I couldn't even come in! He stayed with THEM! They have no respect for me and obviously him but he is too pussy to say something to them!
This is why I haven't been commenting on this thread. I have to agree with Cash on this one, your H sounds like a gem.
I told that story on here back in June and the reaction I got was there isn't much I can do about it. That those are his kids and I can't try to get between. That was the majority reaction.
Sorry I didn't get to answer everyone's questions in the beginning. Your questions were answered in these comments somewhere though I'm sure! And @jenniferomeo yes I often overdo the exclamation button! I'm definitely not excited or happy about this.
Marchy, your H sounds like a gem. A cut above the rest.
(Super sarcasm font)
Lol. He's actually a really good guy. It's his daughters. And he's a good father. He will always stick with his daughters, no matter what. But in this situation, I think he was just being a pussy. They do have tendency to gang up on people and I'm sure he's scared of them. But no really though. He's a really really good guy! He has his moments but for the most part he's good.
A good man doesn't let what you wrote happen to his wife. No matter why or who did it. I would have left his ass. Lord, you deserve more respect than that.
I don't agree with leaving your husband when he makes a mistake btw. I agree that I don't deserve to be treated like that but to leave him is a little much.
Biology does not make the father, the relationship does. I hope your Dh goes about this very delicately with his son. It would be so sad for that relationship to be destroyed over a DNA mismatch. I also wonder how reliable at home paternity tests are. Involve a lawyer, chances are they will have much more clever and clear-headed ways to approach the mother about all this.
And for his daughters, putting your Dh in a place where he feels pressed to choose either you or them may be a risky bet. It might not go the way you'd like. I can tell you feel a lot of passion about this right now. It's a lot to take in. But tread lightly on those relationships. Consider also a step parent support group. It's a really hard role. You're not on equal footing. But you can learn from others' experiences and avoid some hard lessons.
Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
He's technically paying for the child,not the mom. But, after 12 years I do think he has an obligation to this child. Why should the child suffer and lose his father? Its a tough spot to be in.
The child doesn't have to suffer. He still wants to be in his life. That would be up to his mother. He would rather give the child money directly. But to give the mother $800 a month to a kid that isn't his? No that is not ok! Especially cause she knew he wasn't the father! She doesn't deserve a dime of help! He shouldn't have to pay $800 a month for a kid that is not his. It's sad for both the father and the child. Especially cause they have a very tight relationship. But I really hope the mom just agrees to wait to tell the child so they can continue to have a relationship.
I told that story on here back in June and the reaction I got was there isn't much I can do about it. That those are his kids and I can't try to get between. That was the majority reaction.
lol reading through that I sounded so ridiculous! Lol "OMG am I gonna lose baby from fighting! " it just sounds silly! I don't think that's the one though.
That might have been it but I'm pretty sure I brought up the JW thing.
He could always stop paying for his ungrateful adult children so he could continue support for his son, and not turn the poor kids world upside down....... I don't envy your position, hard choices in every direction
There are many ways to still be supportive and be a father which do not include paying his mother $800 a month. If she needs money for the boy to buy clothes/supplies/school fees/etc etc , he can still help out and buy/pay for these things directly. This way he knows he is still supporting the boy and not the mother. There are no guarantees this woman isn't spending money on herself (and based on her character I would no be surprised by this either) .
Whoaly Maury. Why bother 12 years later? Like this is all this kid has ever known as a dad?
Wait...so you think he should continue to pay the Mom for a child that isn't his??
Yes I totally do. If he had doubts 12 years ago he should of handled it then. This kid is depending on him now. I would probably go back to the 400 but he is still his father even if he isn't genetically and it sounds like this kid needs him.
Yea I hope that she'd be willing to do that. (Let H pay $400 and stay his Dad) I just have this feeling she's going to stop all communication and not let them have a relationship. She really isn't a pleasant person. There isn't any other way to change the amount of child support other than going to court and throwing out the child support order. We can only hope for the best here.
There are many ways to still be supportive and be a father which do not include paying his mother $800 a month. If she needs money for the boy to buy clothes/supplies/school fees/etc etc , he can still help out and buy/pay for these things directly. This way he knows he is still supporting the boy and not the mother. There are no guarantees this woman isn't spending money on herself (and based on her character I would no be surprised by this either) .
This exactly! We really really want to stay in his life. I just hope the mom understands this
I don't think he needs to give the mom a dime. If he wants to stay in the child's life then he should buy him stuff on his own. That way he knows she's not using any of the money on herself. As for the inconsiderate older kids, payments should have stopped years ago. He can still be a good dad and help them out but not monthly. Especially with a new LO on the way. He needs to get his priorities straight. He rather be away working to support some ungrateful adults than be around his SO during their pregnancy?
Exactly This is our biggest issue he needs to stop paying them brats and focus on the new life. Good thing is he actually has stopped paying them the last couple months because other people in our lives have stepped in to tell him that he needs to stop paying them. I don't mind him helping them out when they need it but monthly isn't ok at all!
Well, good luck. Your H has been in his life for 12 years, lied to, and has supported him; he has rights. He will still be in your lives. Also - the boy is 12. He's old enough to understand or catch on if his mom does try to feed him BS about his Dad (which was one of your worries). It's not like he's a 6 year old. I remember being 12, and what grade I was in etc.....You understand more than adults give ya credit for
I'm sorry your going thru this ;( I know it's real hard and stressing because I see my SIL is going thru something kinda like this with having step kids ...I really hope everything works out for your family (lots of hugs)
Late as usual but I'm so sorry for your husband. This must be a massive shock to him and his son and of course, anyone else involved in his life including you. Hopefully you guys will still be involved in his life and you can still continue a similar relationship to what you all have now xx
Re: DH is NOT the father!
My brother and his wife are recently divorced after a 3 yr marriage and a year-long separation. Two little girls 5 and 2. They were engaged, broke up, and got back together. Only she came back with a baby, 3months older than my youngest. The math sort of worked, but after a year of loving and enjoying our niece/granddaughter, she came clean. My bro was devastated. Still married her.
She left several times and he'd get her, except last August, he didn't. He'd had enough. Then we found out that she physically abused him, and because he wouldn't hit back, she kept on doing it. Once or twice, he did, and she told everyone that he beats her.
She however has gotten reckless and twice in the past year has attacked him and left bite marks, even hit him with a rock. This time HE went to the police and doc. A few weeks after the divorce was finalised this year, she saw him talking to a woman outside a club. She attacked them both.
The kids are the ones who suffer most. He is the only father my niece has known these 5+ years, and my ex SIL threatens to keep her away whenever things don't go her way. He's not obligated under the terms of their divorce to pay child support, but he pays her school fees, buys her clothes. Treats her as his own like he always did.
She has to be the most horrible person I know. Not a maternal bone in her body, but she uses the kids against him.
Can't make this stuff up.
Eta: I think she knew all along!
I wasn't asking about H, I was asking about the kid and his mom.
I wasn't asking about H, I was asking about the kid and his mom.
I edited at the end after reading. That yes I'm sure the mom knew the entire time. She is trifling like that. And no, no one knows yet. We don't plan on telling anyone until the court shows
then the lab DNA results.
eta: sorry didn't see you were asking if SS questioned it. When he was here, I mentioned to him that DH had more white in him than he does. He was like "what?! No way! I'm really white though!" And we told him that the only white he had in him is from DH cause his mom has no white in her and DH is 1/4 white. So that makes him only 1/8 white. He was just surprised. No question asked.
But yeah I'm surprised your H wasn't shunned. Though his money is green so why would they.
As soon as H cut off the 25 year old that's when she decided to join this watchtower thing and give up school. I find it hard to believe she was even becoming a doctor in the first place. It's all fishy to me. But don't you dare say that to H about his precious little girls! Ugh
Plus I don't think we are ghetto enough for that show
I'm fascinated and horrified by this situation at the same time. I can't imagine going 12 years thinking someone was my child, then having that all ripped away in a moment. So sad. But the situation with the adult children? WTF, Mr. Marchmellow? Time to cut the cord.
You're right I deserve more respect than that! I was very upset and still am! He has nothing to say about it except that it will never happen again. It really really hurt me. And I never thought that I would be treated like that. He did say that he said something to them but I told him it doesn't matter if you yelled at them for what they did, actions speak way louder than words and you pretty much told them and me that they're more important than me and you! He now realizes what he did was fucked up after I told one of his friends and they also said what he did was messed up. I don't why it took that to realize what he did was wrong though! AND he still pays them!!! Wtf! Well too bad they won't ever meet their little brother! Very sad! My baby won't ever know his sisters. I mean you never know, maybe some day if they apologize to me they might but I doubt that will ever happen!
I think he made a huge mistake and I forgave him. I still think he's an overall good guy though and everyone that knows him and me agrees. He's just dumb sometimes
Eta: clarification
This is why I haven't been commenting on this thread. I have to agree with Cash on this one, your H sounds like a gem.
I don't agree with leaving your husband when he makes a mistake btw. I agree that I don't deserve to be treated like that but to leave him is a little much.
And for his daughters, putting your Dh in a place where he feels pressed to choose either you or them may be a risky bet. It might not go the way you'd like. I can tell you feel a lot of passion about this right now. It's a lot to take in. But tread lightly on those relationships. Consider also a step parent support group. It's a really hard role. You're not on equal footing. But you can learn from others' experiences and avoid some hard lessons.
The child doesn't have to suffer. He still wants to be in his life. That would be up to his mother. He would rather give the child money directly. But to give the mother $800 a month to a kid that isn't his? No that is not ok! Especially cause she knew he wasn't the father! She doesn't deserve a dime of help! He shouldn't have to pay $800 a month for a kid that is not his. It's sad for both the father and the child. Especially cause they have a very tight relationship. But I really hope the mom just agrees to wait to tell the child so they can continue to have a relationship.
That might have been it but I'm pretty sure I brought up the JW thing.
I don't envy your position, hard choices in every direction
If she needs money for the boy to buy clothes/supplies/school fees/etc etc , he can still help out and buy/pay for these things directly. This way he knows he is still supporting the boy and not the mother. There are no guarantees this woman isn't spending money on herself (and based on her character I would no be surprised by this either) .
This exactly! We really really want to stay in his life. I just hope the mom understands this
Your H has been in his life for 12 years, lied to, and has supported him; he has rights. He will still be in your lives.
Also - the boy is 12. He's old enough to understand or catch on if his mom does try to feed him BS about his Dad (which was one of your worries). It's not like he's a 6 year old. I remember being 12, and what grade I was in etc.....You understand more than adults give ya credit for