@eatinwatermelonseeds It hasn't caused damage to our relationship and DH is still pretty affectionate, but I hear you. I'm on pelvic rest right now but I traveled for work right after we conceived and we haven't had sex since so there were a couple weeks there before I felt like absolute crap and then was put on pelvic rest where we could have but didn't - granted since I didn't know when I would ovulate (first PP cycle and first cycle of the pill while still breastfeeding), we did it every day to every other day for like 4 weeks right before. Like you, I've never had a high sex drive and it's been a bit uncomfortable. The first 10 months of breastfeeding were weird but I did eventually get past that since I'm still BFing (I think when I stopped pumping and my supply went down it got better). I have no real advice but have thought about reading the 5 love languages. Basically, I feel guilty about not having sex very much on average and turning DH down, but he's a good sport about it (obviously great about it right now but I could be doing more than I am now without violating my restrictions). One thing I think is important is going to bed together. We do that pretty much every night and have for years (except when I was going to bed at 8:30/9 in the first trimester). And...morning sex is my favorite as opposed to in the evening!
@kvh22 we go to bed together, but it's not an intimate thing anymore with a giant five year old right in the middle. I did some rearranging this morning and cuddled DH and it was the closest I've felt to him in a long time. That was always such an important part of our marriage, that pillow talk time, the cuddling, the potential sex, but definite intimacy. It's so hard with him in our bed. We really need to get serious about him sleeping in his room. There's definitely something to be said for going to bed together. And as much as we love our son, it shouldn't be the family affair it is.Β
See, sex has always been painful, but nursing made me bone dry (so to speak π) and it was HORRIBLE. Even with copious amounts of lubricant, I wanted to die. Literally the week I stopped (at 7 months), sex was so much more comfortable. It was miserable and I'm terrified to experience that again. I have NO idea how women have sex like 2 weeks after giving birth. It took me 3 months to even consider it and then an additional 9 months to even want it and that waxes and wanes. You keep that thing FAAAAR away from me until I heal. No no no.Β
@eatinwatermelonseeds yea, getting your son in his own room would probably help but I'm sure that's easier said than done. DD goes to sleep in her crib but DH lies down with her in the guest bed b/c he's tired when she wakes up in the MOTN, so we have to break that habit that started in October. She sleeps so well like that, it's hard (and he's not motivated).
And I have no idea how women accidentally get pregnant 3 weeks postpartum. I'm like...what??????? I wasn't cleared at 6 weeks, she said wait one more, but it was probably at least 2-3 months PP and not fun for me.
@kvh22 yeah, I wasn't cleared until 12 weeks because I didn't heal right. They had to burn off a little piece of skin to get it to heal. A week later I was comfortable enough to try but it was horrible. I have no idea how people accidentally get pregnant. Even when we did it, I made him wear a condom and I was on bc. No effing way I'm doing this again so soon.Β
That is the biggest problem, it's SO EASY to just put him in our bed. I mean, he's asleep in minutes. But if we put him in his room, it's like an hour of him coming in and out, thirty minutes + of laying in his bed with him and then he still comes to our bed about 5 hours later.Β
Ah, see @eatinwatermelonseeds I think the kiddo in your bed explains a ton of it. Plus, idk about you, but on the occasions when I've shared a bed with my kid, I sleep like crap, so idk if that could be contributing to everything, if you're not sleeping well on top of it all?Β
One question/idea, and you may have already tried this, but do you still have a monitor in your son's room? Mine went through a phase of not wanting to sleep in his room when he was older, and I managed to get him back in there by showing him the monitor, explaining I could see and hear him, and then every night when he got in bed, after I left his room, I'd talk to him on the monitor and tell him goodnight, so he was reassured I could still see him. It was a good, hands-off compromise that let him feel comfortable without a lot of extra fuss. Just a random thought.Β
@eatinwatermelonseeds no firsthand experience with an older kid but I've heard there are these "clocks" with a light that turns from red to green at a certain time and that's when they're allowed to leave their room. Not sure if that would work down the line but seems like it works well from those who have used it (after 3-7 nights of adjustment). I think getting him to go to sleep in his room would be the first "battle" but that might help him stay there.
@eatinwatermelonseeds Let me caution you against thinking your body will respond to nursing the same way this time around. I had two drastically different experiences with both my girls, both in the actual nursing experience and how my body responded to it in regards to how I felt intimately. The first time around, with actually nursing, I had flat nipples, a slow flow, she had a tongue tie, we had to use a nipple shield, it was HARD. But we made it to 8 months. That time around I wanted to have sex all the time. Now the second time around, it was the easiest thing ever, nursing never hurt, she was efficient, she loved it, or was literally the perfect nursing relationship. And I had *zero* desire for any kind of intimacy. So it could end of being the same but the hormones will likely hit you in different ways this time, who knows. I know that doesn't help much with where you're at now, but I think other people have already addressed that.
@imrachellea thank you for that. I had a borderline traumatic experience with nursing the first time. I am praying it's much easier this time. I could deal with sex being painful, but I really don't want feeding my child to be painful again. I don't plan to push it like I did last time though. I may give it about 6 weeks, since that's about how long it takes for it to be a little more comfortable, but if it's still painful like it was the first time, I'm out.Β
@robyn2201 I love She & Him. So jealous! @sleepy33 Wow. $33million. You guys have been cooking for a while. We are in the very beginning stages of setting up an endowment with the lead gift secured. We have a long road ahead of us. @eatinwatermelonseeds I could have written this. I am so non-sexual for the last few childbearing/years. And I feel bad because DH will be affectionate, but I kind of shut down because I (incorrectly) assume that he's being nice for nookie. When he's really just an affectionate person all around. It's so hard to get on the same page, but keeping the communication up is important. I'm always sure to let DH know that my sex drive is no indication of my love for him.
Oooh, I'm reading a FB debate right now that's getting heated. The situation is, a pregnant woman is in labor and she's hemorrhaging. Doctors tell the husband they can either save the wife or the infant, but not both. Husband chooses the baby because he thinks that's what the wife would want. What say you all?
@sleepy33 That is awful! I actually have had that exact conversation with DH and I have told him to save me. Part of that was because I would hate for my child to grow up without a mom, but the other part was b/c I would assume the baby would have all sorts of issues if the labor situation was so awful there were only 2 choices.
TW But honestly, this scenario when it played out in my mind, was always late 2nd/early 3rd trimester and it was in response to some awful stories that I read about MCs- women who went to Catholic hospitals (or other anti-choice facilities) with a pregnancy that was killing them and more than likely not viable, but since the heart was still beating so they couldn't do anything for the mom. Some of the moms died in this situation. After my TFMR decision, this was really fresh in my mind and the thought of a hospital prioritizing a non-viable fetus over my own life was what was driving it. End TW
I am not sure what my decision would be in labor with a full term baby that had no other indications that they would be unhealthy. It's anΒ agonizing and awful thing to think about.Β Β Β
@sleepy33 that's crazy and I don't want to play!! I know I want more kids after this one where it'd also be weighing the life of that (not even yet conceived) future child, too. And I'd want 3 total even if that meant 4 pregnancies (or however many) and am young enough where that'd be possible.
Sorry, @chloe97, I hope it wasn't insensitive to mention here.Β
I feel like I'd choose to save me in that situation, hard though it would be. I actually texted fiance and asked him and he straight away said save me. Though that may be because he'd be terrified at the idea of being left alone with two kids (and grief-stricken, too, I suppose). I think it's a situation where there really is no right or wrong answer.Β
@sleepy33 I'm also in the "save me" camp. During my first pregnancy, DH and I had this discussion, and I thought it was a difficult decision, and he immediately said it wasn't difficult, and that he would save me. It would be devastating to lose the baby, but I have two kids in this world already who need me as their mom.
So, I think I need to explain because that makes no sense. But that's just where my mind was during my first pregnancy. I couldn't think about myself at all, it was all about baby. But I completely disregarded the fact that the baby would need me at that point, it was just that I couldn't live through that (or I thought I couldn't). This time I can see my son's future so clearly that I can't imagine not being there. I need to be there, and he needs me there. I can't even think about the baby this time, because C needs me. There's no way H could raise two kids alone. He could, but not the way I want and they need. I am such a control freak that I need to be here. π
Wait, not everyone thinks through this scenario like 25 times a week? I think about this all. the. time. And various other terrible seemingly unanswerable stories.Β
@SpaceBurger I can't. I'd die. I need to pretend we live in a peaceful pleasant world where me and baby will be perfectly fine. I get caught in near panic attacks because I start thinking of anything happening to baby or DS or H (2 of whom have already had near-death experiences right before my eyes). I just can't even cope with the thought.
@SpaceBurger I don't think about that particular one but other things run through my mind. Tragic things but not something where anyone would have to make a decision like that one. Once I got pregnant with DD, I became terrified I or DH would be in a car accident. That hasn't gone away but the situation has evolved with DD being born, now being pregnant again. I think it's normal - in passing stuff - like when a car runs a light and almost hits me or I can't get a hold of DH and he's way later than I thought he was supposed to be picking up DD from daycare, etc. I don't focus on it constantly.
So... I just ordered a Hawaiian pizza, and I have spaghetti cooking. I have a problem π€ I mean... Not a big one, because obviously I'm going to eat both π, but still.Β
So... I just ordered a Hawaiian pizza, and I have spaghetti cooking. I have a problem π€ I mean... Not a big one, because obviously I'm going to eat both π, but still.Β
So I've tried using tiny beans and it's not happening for me. I'm a little hesitant to post too much about Baby or pictures on my FB. Do any of you ladies have a private fb group/account for your LOs? Is that weird? Too much of a hassle?Β
I have family and friends that overshare and are kinda terrible on fb and it makes me not want to post. But I kinda still do want family/friends to be able to keep up with us if they so chose.Β
@bumbly_b what about sharing using Google Photos? I made an album for DS, added MIL to it, and upload pictures here and there, and she checks the album
@kbeers13, @expandcontract I know, it drives me crazy. My brother has a leg missing and wears a prosthetic leg. Most of the times it is hard to tell other than a slight limp as he walks and he doesnβt use a handicap spot but airports kill him (walking/standing)!and he always asks for wheelchair assistance. So many times he has been told off for asking for one as by the Airlines as they assume he is playing, Β so when they do, he takes off his prosthetic and puts it on their hands and then asks for a supervisor.Β
@dfirstimer that must feel so "in yo face, bitch" to your brother when he hands his prosthetic over!Β
@eatinwatermelonseeds Im really glad you brought up the topic because I'm on the same boat as you.Β I used to have an okay/ healthy sex drive before I got pregnant with DD. But ever since then I have absolutely none.Β And it's frustrating because my husband wants it all the time. I can't even touch him without him getting fully turned on. He can't help it.Β And I need a build up to it.Β So even when I want to just cuddle with him,Β I have to declare first that this is NOT going to lead to sex.Β Β I also didn't want him to touch me the whole time I was BF DD. After she weaned, my drive came back a little bit but I still never wanted to do it because Im always so tired now. Anyways,Β you're not alone.Β Β
@SpaceBurger Im with you,Β I think about the types of scenarios all the time,Β especially when driving.Β I definitely would want them to save me.Β Not because I'm selfish, but because I've learned that NOBODY can or does ever love you the same way a (mentally healthy) mother does. No matter what. I mean, like my sister could possibly raise my kids if anything ever happened to me and DD but it would still always be different,Β you know? My daughter needs me.Β I would be extremely sad about the loss of the other child,Β but my daughter needs me.Β Β
@eatinwatermelonseeds Iβm sorry you guys have hit a rough patch. I am currently on pelvic rest (have been for 7 weeks) and i was definitely starting to feel a distance between dh and I until I finally decided I could manage the occasional BJ (it makes my stomach feel lousy) but the lack of intimacy was definitely putting a bit of strain on our relationship. However when not on pelvic rest I usually set a goal for myself to DTD 2 times/week. I also find with 2 kids my drive is not what it used to be but mostly because Iβm so tired and trying to do a million things. However making it a priority twice a week and planning to set aside time earlier (like right when the kids are asleep) has helped. And I find the more frequent we are the better our overall relationship is. Β Β As for the kiddo in the bed, both my boys fall Β asleep in our bed every night and then dh moves them to their own bed (about 30 min after they fall asleep).Β
@eatinwatermelonseeds my husband and are are dealing with something like that and it is to the point that it is a real sore subject and we basically dont talk about it anymore. We started having issues about 6 years ago. My husband got out of the military and it took about a year for him to get a full time job. I was working full time and supporting us during that time (which i think started it all like for some reason he was βless thanβ for me supporting us). Then we spent that last 5 years dealing with infertily (which took all romance or fun out of having sex). Now that we are pregnant i am too scared to try (and i think he is too). We work opposite shifts and he works doubles 2-4 times a week. I am starting back nursing school in January and wont be working anymore so i am hoping by then we can repair that part of our relationship because in every other aspect we are in sync.Β * i think i might bring up doing the schedule thing though. That might work for us. Neither will feel the need to initiate or fear being rejected and we could work it out so time wise neither are tired and not wanting to. I figure at this point it really cant do any more harm.Β
I'm sorry so many of you can relate, but I'm grateful I brought up this topic. It's been really difficult. And it's hard, because I have a bit of a sex drive, and I don't mind solo fun, but sex is such an emotional thing to me and when I'm not emotionally fulfilled it's difficult to get into it. Plus now I'm big and I can feel the baby and it's just weird.Β
Edited because a little tmi π but jist is that today was successful.Β
@bumbly_b my family uses a separate social media app. We used Path for years and that recently was scrapped by the person who runs it. We just switched to an app called Vero. It's similar to Instagram I guess in that it's a photo feed and you add the people you want to connect with. You can set them to acquintance, friend or close friend so when you share you decide what level can see a post. So all my family members are set to close friend and when I share a photo I set it to close friends so only they can see it. We started doing it this way for people like my Nana and Papa who aren't great at computers(Nana) or are skeptical of social media(Papa) so they can keep up with us grandkids and now their great grandkids.Β
@bumbly_b we use an app called Lifecake to share pictures of DS with our family. Weβve been using it for almost 2.5 yrs and really like it. Itβs super easy to use and even my dad, who is almost 70 and not on social media, uses it with ease.Β
Re: Randoms week of 12/3
See, sex has always been painful, but nursing made me bone dry (so to speak π) and it was HORRIBLE. Even with copious amounts of lubricant, I wanted to die. Literally the week I stopped (at 7 months), sex was so much more comfortable. It was miserable and I'm terrified to experience that again. I have NO idea how women have sex like 2 weeks after giving birth. It took me 3 months to even consider it and then an additional 9 months to even want it and that waxes and wanes. You keep that thing FAAAAR away from me until I heal. No no no.Β
And I have no idea how women accidentally get pregnant 3 weeks postpartum. I'm like...what??????? I wasn't cleared at 6 weeks, she said wait one more, but it was probably at least 2-3 months PP and not fun for me.
That is the biggest problem, it's SO EASY to just put him in our bed. I mean, he's asleep in minutes. But if we put him in his room, it's like an hour of him coming in and out, thirty minutes + of laying in his bed with him and then he still comes to our bed about 5 hours later.Β
One question/idea, and you may have already tried this, but do you still have a monitor in your son's room? Mine went through a phase of not wanting to sleep in his room when he was older, and I managed to get him back in there by showing him the monitor, explaining I could see and hear him, and then every night when he got in bed, after I left his room, I'd talk to him on the monitor and tell him goodnight, so he was reassured I could still see him. It was a good, hands-off compromise that let him feel comfortable without a lot of extra fuss. Just a random thought.Β
I love She & Him. So jealous!
@sleepy33
Wow. $33million. You guys have been cooking for a while. We are in the very beginning stages of setting up an endowment with the lead gift secured. We have a long road ahead of us.
@eatinwatermelonseeds
I could have written this. I am so non-sexual for the last few childbearing/years. And I feel bad because DH will be affectionate, but I kind of shut down because I (incorrectly) assume that he's being nice for nookie. When he's really just an affectionate person all around. It's so hard to get on the same page, but keeping the communication up is important. I'm always sure to let DH know that my sex drive is no indication of my love for him.
BFP:Β 8/20/2018 - EDD 5/4/2019
TW But honestly, this scenario when it played out in my mind, was always late 2nd/early 3rd trimester and it was in response to some awful stories that I read about MCs- women who went to Catholic hospitals (or other anti-choice facilities) with a pregnancy that was killing them and more than likely not viable, but since the heart was still beating so they couldn't do anything for the mom. Some of the moms died in this situation. After my TFMR decision, this was really fresh in my mind and the thought of a hospital prioritizing a non-viable fetus over my own life was what was driving it. End TW
I am not sure what my decision would be in labor with a full term baby that had no other indications that they would be unhealthy. It's anΒ agonizing and awful thing to think about.Β Β Β
I feel like I'd choose to save me in that situation, hard though it would be. I actually texted fiance and asked him and he straight away said save me. Though that may be because he'd be terrified at the idea of being left alone with two kids (and grief-stricken, too, I suppose). I think it's a situation where there really is no right or wrong answer.Β
BFP:Β 8/20/2018 - EDD 5/4/2019
So I've tried using tiny beans and it's not happening for me. I'm a little hesitant to post too much about Baby or pictures on my FB. Do any of you ladies have a private fb group/account for your LOs? Is that weird? Too much of a hassle?Β
I have family and friends that overshare and are kinda terrible on fb and it makes me not want to post. But I kinda still do want family/friends to be able to keep up with us if they so chose.Β
@eatinwatermelonseeds Im really glad you brought up the topic because I'm on the same boat as you.Β I used to have an okay/ healthy sex drive before I got pregnant with DD. But ever since then I have absolutely none.Β And it's frustrating because my husband wants it all the time. I can't even touch him without him getting fully turned on. He can't help it.Β And I need a build up to it.Β So even when I want to just cuddle with him,Β I have to declare first that this is NOT going to lead to sex.Β Β
I also didn't want him to touch me the whole time I was BF DD. After she weaned, my drive came back a little bit but I still never wanted to do it because Im always so tired now. Anyways,Β you're not alone.Β Β
@SpaceBurger Im with you,Β I think about the types of scenarios all the time,Β especially when driving.Β I definitely would want them to save me.Β Not because I'm selfish, but because I've learned that NOBODY can or does ever love you the same way a (mentally healthy) mother does. No matter what. I mean, like my sister could possibly raise my kids if anything ever happened to me and DD but it would still always be different,Β you know? My daughter needs me.Β I would be extremely sad about the loss of the other child,Β but my daughter needs me.Β Β
As for the kiddo in the bed, both my boys fall Β asleep in our bed every night and then dh moves them to their own bed (about 30 min after they fall asleep).Β
* i think i might bring up doing the schedule thing though. That might work for us. Neither will feel the need to initiate or fear being rejected and we could work it out so time wise neither are tired and not wanting to. I figure at this point it really cant do any more harm.Β
Edited because a little tmi π but jist is that today was successful.Β
Edited to say I found them! So much better options!