@kvh22 well, we have joint custody, but I am the primary residential parent. He only keeps him two nights a week, but that is due to him working overnights. Which was one factor in our divorce. He kept saying he wanted to find work that would give him a more regular schedule, then he'd sabotage any other jobs he got and go back to working at casinos. As it is now, I let him keep DS out of preschool one day a week so they can have more time together (even though all they do is sit inside and play video games, don't get me started). He knows once kindergarten starts, that will be over, and he'll have to do a lot more driving if he wants more time. Part of the reason he owes more is because of the unequal parenting time (which it's designed to offset, since if you have the kid more hours, you spend more money, logically). It's a shame, because DS loves him, and he really does love spending time with the kid, albeit more in a 'I'm your friend fun times' way than as an actual father. Then again, his utter selfishness is why we're not married anymore, so it doesn't surprise me. I think when he bitches at me, he's just mad that I've never been a pushover and he can't just bully me into doing what he wants.
Ugh, @sleepy33 that kind of stuff drives me up the friggen wall. My parents are divorced, and not amicably I might add, but they both took responsibility for us and never made their issues our issues. I’m not sure if their original child support agreement was decided in a court but I know that any increases or shared expenses were just something they worked out together.
When I was in my 20s I worked for my dad as the assistant manager for our family business. We had one young trucker who all of a sudden just stopped showing up for work. Once my dad finally got ahold of him they had a conversation as to why he wasn’t showing up when previously he hadn’t been great. Basically he told my dad if he could pay him cash under the table then he would show up for every call, but he couldn’t afford for his annual earnings to go up any more on paper because then the government when start garnishing more of his wages for child support arrears. Needless to say, my dad was NOT understanding of his situation and basically told him to get his ass in gear, support his kid to the best of his ability and start showing up. He missed one more shift and we fired him.
@eatinwatermelonseeds@SpaceBurger@knarlytaurus Thanks ladies, I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment but everything pregnancy wise is perfect. I'm still tired at 15w3d with a big protein aversion and little appetite. Plus the cold weather is making me want to do nothing but snuggle. Throwing myself a stupid pity party but I should snap out of it soon. Hubs is aware of my pity party and letting me be in it for a short period of time and keeping an eye on me.
@mcewen3 I see that ALL. THE. TIME. at my work. A guy starts working. A few weeks later I get a garnishment letter, complete with massive arrears. I take out as much as I legally can and send ASAP to the state. Guy quits and gets a different job that pays in cash. They only last a month or two
oh, i had my anatomy scan this morning and they asked why I came so early. (I'm 18+4.) Umm, because that's when you all (OB and radiology) set up the appointment. It's not like I demanded that my baby be scanned on the fifth of December. So everything looked good, but some things weren't developed enough to tell. So I have to go back in 2-3 weeks. Such a waste of time. Why would they offer me an appointment that wasn't during the optimal window? I thought it was a tad early, but assumed they knew what they were doing. Bad on me for that assumption.
@sleepy33 ahh super interesting. I guess the thing with every other weekend and Wednesday (or the situation your describing which sounds like a bit more than that, but similar), is that it's "fun," kind of like what you said with the playing video games, etc. You can take them out to dinner, plan fun activities, but you don't have to do too much of the parenting - if you don't want. I'm not saying all divorced dads who don't have joint custody (50/50 time wise) don't do the normal parenting, but I feel like so much of it falls to the female in your average marriage that more often than not, that visitation time ends up being fun-filled with very little homework getting done or doctors appointments, scheduled, etc. But yes, if they're at your house more, it costs more money to feed them, clothe them, buy school supplies, books, and all the normal expenses of raising a child. Sounds like if he really wanted more time with his son, especially come next year, he needs to get his butt in gear and get a different job - and keep it.
@kbeers13 in my experience, it starts off as flutters, mostly I think because they are so tiny. Down the road, you can literally see a foot or hand/elbow move across your stomach. It's insane! So just picture that on a much smaller scale and it's kind of like they're tickling instead of punching/kicking you. This is why it's easy to confuse with gas bubbles. Should we resurrect the questions for STM+s thread? It was pretty dead when started a couple of months ago but I know most of us would love to help out any FTMs with questions!
@kbeers13 FTM here. To me, baby feels like bubbles, but it’s always in the same spot. Every so often I might get a strong feeling (not bubbles but more like pressure) near my hip bones when baby is stretching out. I can never feel baby when I put my hand on my belly, only when I’m laying really still or move positions really suddenly (for some reason LO doesn’t like that). I’m sorry you are feeling so tired still. I’ve been in a funk lately, too. Between work drama and winter coming in, my depression always gets bad this time of year. I’m sleeping a lot and don’t do a lot with people outside of work. 🤷🏽♀️ I’m sure they think I hate them, but I just don’t want to.
While at Target, today, I got my first passive aggressive judgemental experience for parking in the handicap spot. As Im walking back to my car, this 40ish year old guy walks out of his way towards my car with his cart. (At this point, I'm already in my car, turning it on. ) Once he gets in front of me he sees my handicap placard hanging and shakes his head as if I'm lying and using my grandma's placard. Lol. I really wish he said something and started an outright confrontation so I could make him feel like the size of an ant. Im surprised he didn't complain about me to the couple of police officers parked nearby. Not all disabilities are visible, people!!!
Yeah, I'd be super offended if I was AMA at basically being told I was being more selfish and risky tha someone who smokes during pregnancy. No. You're wrong. One is child abuse, one is love. GTFO.
I was highly offended. I didn’t choose to meet my husband later in life but I am doing everything I need to have a healthy AMA pregnancy.
I was more more offended for you ladies with special needs children. She is a horrible person for the things she said.
SITB @c@chucksmom15 I’m in the same boat- I met DH at 33, dated for 3 years before we got married and I was anxious wreck the whole time waiting for him to propose bc I believed crap like that crazy lunatic spouted off. In her mind, both of us would have been better off having kids much younger and being single mothers than waiting for stable relationships and suitable coparents which is just completely opposite what the research shows is BEST for kids. Kids do best with 2 involved parents, but I’m sure she’d find a reason why that didn’t apply to her.
@kbeers13 it feels like little butterflies at first then I always feel like someone gently tickling me from inside my belly. When I was a FTM I didn’t know it was the baby. It’s really odd when they start pushing on you but you get used to it.
Total random- but does anyone know the “cool” stores for 11 year old girls and 13/15 year old boys? I need to get presents for my niece and newphews and I’d like to be seen as the cool aunt for once who got them exactly what they wanted.
@expandcontract Yes! My MIL is so judgy about that. Her daughter is in a wheelchair and has not had the use of her legs since birth due to cerebral palsy and whenever she see's anyone that's overweight or doesn't "look like they need it" she gets all huffy...
I once told her that my SIL should technically park at the back of the parking lot because she has an electric wheelchair and therefore expels even less energy and less need than many other people... She didn't like that very much and obvi didn't agree LOL
I remind her that SIL's friends in the disability community often don't have visible disabilities and maybe that person is just having a good 15 minutes where they look like they're walking well. By the time they're done shopping and out the door, it might be a different story.
@kbeers13 is it just meat that you're having an aversion to or all protein? I usually have hummus if I feel like I need protein but don't want chicken or something.
@chloe97 for girls I usually go for clothes or gift cards to American Eagle. For my boys, video games (my nephew just turned 11 but it in 5th grade). I also get them a book (teacher in me has to).
Exactly @chloe97! She thinks being a single mom is gonna be so easy but it’s hard with DH and he helps a ton! I can’t imagine how hard it is to raise kids by yourself. I have mad respect for single parents.
@kbeers13 Yes, that kind of attitude pisses me off. I learned early on that some disabilities are not visible. A good childhood friend of mine was born with one lung and some heart malformations. She complains about the same thing. She's skinny, young, can walk just fine, and doesn't use a portable oxygen tank all the time. But people really give her a hard time. This type of judgement also happens in the elevator. At work, My office is all the way at the very top. Some of my coworkers complain when a person gets off on only one floor above/ below where they got on. It annoys me, too. But because I was exposed to my friend's situation, I always try to give them the benefit of the doubt and I remind my coworkers when they feel the need to complain.
@sleepy33 congrats on the house and the capital raise at work! Sorry to hear you had to deal with your ex on that.....but seems getting him off you hair is better than fighting for $50. you have such a great attitude to not let it get to you.
@kbeers13, @expandcontract I know, it drives me crazy. My brother has a leg missing and wears a prosthetic leg. Most of the times it is hard to tell other than a slight limp as he walks and he doesn’t use a handicap spot but airports kill him (walking/standing)!and he always asks for wheelchair assistance. So many times he has been told off for asking for one as by the Airlines as they assume he is playing, so when they do, he takes off his prosthetic and puts it on their hands and then asks for a supervisor.
Well, my biggest fear has happened. My dog’s previous owner, who surrendered her because he was going to jail, as found me on Facebook and started “liking” all of my pictures of Suzy on Facebook. Legally, Suzy is mine, but I’m now nervous he’s going to try to come and just steal her. I have no interest in having any contact with this man and the woman who I adopted her from told me it was unlikely that he would ever find me. Damn it!
I'm about to get vulnerable here, and I may chicken out and delete this, I just need to get it off my chest. My husband and I are on two completely different pages regarding sex in our relationship. Hell, we're not even in the same book at this point. He wants it all the time and I'd be perfectly happy never doing it again. But he's gotten to a point where it's difficult for him to be affectionate because any touch makes him want to have sex. Sex is his (and I know many men's) way of feeling loved. Affection is mine. So he gets little to no sex, I get little to no affection and we both feel unloved. I feel like I should be having sex more often to try to make this situation better, but there are a lot of reasons I can't do that. Sex isn't comfortable for me more than half the time. Not just during pregnancy, always. But it's even worse now that I'm gaining weight. Things are just really uncomfortable. I would feel like I'm forcing myself and that just makes sex even less desirable. I also feel like I can't be sexual with him if I'm not getting any kind of nonsexual affection, and I feel like he feels as though he can't be nonsexual if he's not getting sex. Are we the only ones dealing with this? Or who have ever? It's 4am and I can't sleep because it's really weighing heavily on me.
I listened to this podcast where this couple had sex every day for like 90 days or something and it really repaired their relationship. And it explained that it's a two way street and the guy has to lay ground work every day. This sounds like an ideal challenge as far as creating intimacy, but he is so busy, I can't see him having the time to lay the ground work. I've considered (literally just now as I was thinking about it 😂) doing just a week instead of 90 days and seeing if it helps. But I just feel like if I mention it, he's going to hold me to it and become annoying about it. *sigh* I feel lost. I don't want a sexless marriage.
I know this is way off topic, and I'm literally crying over this. We are so good in so many other areas, but we're suffering a lot with this one. It really puts a distance between us and I NEED to fill in that gap but it's difficult.
Now que me refreshing the board every 3 seconds for the next few hours until someone wakes up and sees this. 😩 I'm tempted to wake him up and hash this out, but I know waking the man from a dead sleep *might not* solve all our problems 😂
@eatinwatermelonseeds he is currently blocked and I am considering a security system.
As far as the sex, I feel the same way. Birth control completely eliminated my sex drive. I was so okay not having sex, but would comply once or twice a month, usually only once. We only tried for the LO for two months, so we were having sex a lot around ovulation during those two months and then never after that. During pregnancy, I was out on pelvic rest so we went 10 weeks without sex. We tried last weekend and it was miserable for both of us. He felt nothing and I felt uncomfortable. I wish I had a good answer. But, I have the same feeling.
@mrskoz428 I'm sorry you're experiencing this too. It's been so difficult. I love him so much, but sex isn't the way I express love. And the ways I express or feel love aren't the ways he does. His sex drive is so much higher than mine. We have sex a couple times a week, which feels like a lot to me but feels like nothing to him. It's frustrating for both of us. I decided I'm going to experiment with having sex daily for the next week. But I sent him a long email with my rules lol. I have to come on to him, he can't bring it up at all. He has to be affectionate without sex in at least 3 different ways daily. There were more, but get a little personal. I think it'll be good for us if we can do it. I ended up cuddling up close to him (which required moving the kid that sleeps between us 🙄) and he woke up and we talked briefly. I told him how I felt and that I want to have sex daily and he was like "OKAY!" 😂 But I told him he has an email and to read through it. So, hopefully he does that and we can get started making each other feel loved.
@eatinwatermelonseeds I don't have any real advice on this. The whole time I was nursing DS I did not want to be touched and was feeling pretty confidently that that's how the rest of our marriage was going to go. That did change once I weaned but, for me personally, I know trying to do any kind of every day challenge would have ruined it further. I would have felt obligated, I would have put someone else over my discomforts and that would have led to a lot of both emotional and physical pain. There were times when I gave in because I felt bad and I really didn't enjoy it, but what worked better for us was finding other ways to be intimate. It wasn't the same but he at least didn't feel shoved aside and I didn't have to be uncomfortable.
@DuchessOfCambridge I feel like we've come to a point where we've done a lot of damage to our relationship regarding this subject. And it's included me forcing myself to do it when I don't want to. I really want to do this, which might make it easier to not feel bad. But I also have set a lot of things in place that I feel like might make it so it's not forced at all, I actually want to do it. If he complies with his part, it could be enjoyable for both of us. I'm just at a loss. We've talked this subject to death and it feels like nothing ever changes. He has gotten to the point where he shows ZERO affection unless he wants sex. It's a horrible feeling, but no amount of talking has fixed it so far. I just really don't know what else to do.
@eatinwatermelonseeds you know yourself and your relationship so if you think the challenge is something that would help and not hurt, then I say go for it! Hormones are hard. Me nursing was a hard period for our marriage. I nursed for about 7 months
Sex has always been an issue in our marriage. It was less so when we had no kids, but we still weren't on the same page and a lot of the issues we have started back then. When I was pregnant, it was amazing. All the time up until the day I gave birth. Then the baby came. We went 3 months without anything. Damage has been done in little bits, nothing crazy awful, but it's gotten to the point where it's just really difficult now. Once I stopped nursing, it stopped hurting in the same way (God that was miserable), but I have always had pain for some reason or another. I actually have a referral in for pelvic floor therapy to hopefully help that, but the earliest they can get me in is February. I think now it's more emotional than anything. I feel like my tank is on empty, and when he asks for sex at the end of the day without giving me anything (affection, help, etc) he's just trying to take more from an empty tank. And it's hard. I've tried to explain this to him, and he seems sincere about fixing it, but then he doesn't. I don't think that's deliberate, I just don't think he thinks about it until he wants sex again. Which then causes a cycle of no affection unless he wants sex. Which also makes me feel unloved because how do you not think about being affectionate or intimate with your wife unless you want sex? 🙄😩
@mcewen3 Yes, the whole reason ex is paying arrears is because they accrued while I was waiting for the withholding order to go through to take it directly from his paycheck. I told him over and over he needed to make payments in the interim but he didn't listen to me. He refused to pay a dime out of pocket until they garnished him.
@lovelybabybumpz it's a capital campaign for $48 million. Building a new gym to replace one from the 60's that's literally falling down, as well as to expand the dining hall and do some landscape work. We're at $33 million and want to be at $41 before we go to the public phase, which I think will happen. Sending you the good juju for all the dollars!!
@kvh22 you're spot on about the visitation. I call him daddy fun times. It's hard right now because I know my son doesn't understand and of course he prefers the fun times over boring everyday life. I just have to have faith that one day he'll see the reality of the situation.
@eatinwatermelonseeds I feel like I've been in your shoes somewhat, and for me, scheduling sex actually helped, on several levels. One, if I knew it was on a schedule I could plan accordingly, not be like mentally prepared for bed and have to try to rally for it. Two, if I knew it was scheduled on a certain day, it meant I wouldn't be fighting about it every other day. Three, one issue I used to have was a fight over who would initiate things. I'm realllly bad at initiating. IDK why. I just feel super awkward about it. So if I knew it was scheduled I knew nobody was going to get shot down, we were both thinking about/planning it, so it made it easier to get started.
That being said, I'm more in the boat of once I get started, I'm into it, so these sorts of things were more helpful I think. If you're still not enjoying it once you get going, that's a different kettle of fish.
@eatinwatermelonseeds we read “The 5 Love Languages” and that helped a lot. It talks about how to show your partner you love them based on how they best receive love. I’m definitely a gift receiver/affection receiver. DH prefers to have me perform small household like chores to show my love. I am DHs only sex partner, as well, and I think that’s helped him be okay(ish) with less of it. I try to give in every so oftenand totally did last weekend when we had sex because I totally didn’t want it. It’s really hard to feel stress over that topic. I’m sorry.
@sleepy33 we've tried to schedule and it just felt like a chore. And the problem has been me not getting into it, so it's been hard.
@mrskoz428 I read that when I was single, which seems really useless now that I'm married and haven't read it again. Lol.
Day 1 for my part is in the books! This might be TMI but WOW. I really think doing it in the morning (despite the fact that I've been awake since 3am) helps a lot because I'm not dead exhausted. We also talked after and he's already holding up his end. The last hour at least has been very nice 😂 if the next 6 days is anything like that, I can totally be good with it.
Yassss @eatinwatermelonseeds morning sex is the best. Plus then you can jump right in the shower, you aren't sleeping in grossness all night. Two thumbs up.
Re: Randoms week of 12/3
When I was in my 20s I worked for my dad as the assistant manager for our family business. We had one young trucker who all of a sudden just stopped showing up for work. Once my dad finally got ahold of him they had a conversation as to why he wasn’t showing up when previously he hadn’t been great. Basically he told my dad if he could pay him cash under the table then he would show up for every call, but he couldn’t afford for his annual earnings to go up any more on paper because then the government when start garnishing more of his wages for child support arrears. Needless to say, my dad was NOT understanding of his situation and basically told him to get his ass in gear, support his kid to the best of his ability and start showing up. He missed one more shift and we fired him.
Wow. $3M. How much is your entire campaign?
We're working on a 6 figure gift right now. Send some of that good luck over here.
BFP: 8/20/2018 - EDD 5/4/2019
BFP: 8/20/2018 - EDD 5/4/2019
I’m sorry you are feeling so tired still. I’ve been in a funk lately, too. Between work drama and winter coming in, my depression always gets bad this time of year. I’m sleeping a lot and don’t do a lot with people outside of work. 🤷🏽♀️ I’m sure they think I hate them, but I just don’t want to.
Not all disabilities are visible, people!!!
I once told her that my SIL should technically park at the back of the parking lot because she has an electric wheelchair and therefore expels even less energy and less need than many other people... She didn't like that very much and obvi didn't agree LOL
I remind her that SIL's friends in the disability community often don't have visible disabilities and maybe that person is just having a good 15 minutes where they look like they're walking well. By the time they're done shopping and out the door, it might be a different story.
This type of judgement also happens in the elevator. At work, My office is all the way at the very top. Some of my coworkers complain when a person gets off on only one floor above/ below where they got on. It annoys me, too. But because I was exposed to my friend's situation, I always try to give them the benefit of the doubt and I remind my coworkers when they feel the need to complain.
@kbeers13, @expandcontract I know, it drives me crazy. My brother has a leg missing and wears a prosthetic leg. Most of the times it is hard to tell other than a slight limp as he walks and he doesn’t use a handicap spot but airports kill him (walking/standing)!and he always asks for wheelchair assistance. So many times he has been told off for asking for one as by the Airlines as they assume he is playing, so when they do, he takes off his prosthetic and puts it on their hands and then asks for a supervisor.
I listened to this podcast where this couple had sex every day for like 90 days or something and it really repaired their relationship. And it explained that it's a two way street and the guy has to lay ground work every day. This sounds like an ideal challenge as far as creating intimacy, but he is so busy, I can't see him having the time to lay the ground work. I've considered (literally just now as I was thinking about it 😂) doing just a week instead of 90 days and seeing if it helps. But I just feel like if I mention it, he's going to hold me to it and become annoying about it. *sigh* I feel lost. I don't want a sexless marriage.
I know this is way off topic, and I'm literally crying over this. We are so good in so many other areas, but we're suffering a lot with this one. It really puts a distance between us and I NEED to fill in that gap but it's difficult.
As far as the sex, I feel the same way. Birth control completely eliminated my sex drive. I was so okay not having sex, but would comply once or twice a month, usually only once. We only tried for the LO for two months, so we were having sex a lot around ovulation during those two months and then never after that. During pregnancy, I was out on pelvic rest so we went 10 weeks without sex. We tried last weekend and it was miserable for both of us. He felt nothing and I felt uncomfortable. I wish I had a good answer. But, I have the same feeling.
@lovelybabybumpz it's a capital campaign for $48 million. Building a new gym to replace one from the 60's that's literally falling down, as well as to expand the dining hall and do some landscape work. We're at $33 million and want to be at $41 before we go to the public phase, which I think will happen. Sending you the good juju for all the dollars!!
@kvh22 you're spot on about the visitation. I call him daddy fun times. It's hard right now because I know my son doesn't understand and of course he prefers the fun times over boring everyday life. I just have to have faith that one day he'll see the reality of the situation.
That being said, I'm more in the boat of once I get started, I'm into it, so these sorts of things were more helpful I think. If you're still not enjoying it once you get going, that's a different kettle of fish.
@mrskoz428 I read that when I was single, which seems really useless now that I'm married and haven't read it again. Lol.
Day 1 for my part is in the books! This might be TMI but WOW. I really think doing it in the morning (despite the fact that I've been awake since 3am) helps a lot because I'm not dead exhausted. We also talked after and he's already holding up his end. The last hour at least has been very nice 😂 if the next 6 days is anything like that, I can totally be good with it.