This is a question for the STM+ in the group: How do I go about setting up family boundaries that aren't overly-restrictive, or mean-spirited, but still get my point across without feeling like I'm being walked all over? I'm asking now because I have a feeling this is going to be a long, drawn out ugly process trying to get her to see that I am the mom, she's the grandma, and not the other way around. I'm 38 yo and she still treats me like an incompetent 15 yo on a lot of things in life, it's extremely frustrating without having a baby and I imagine it's only going to get worse if I don't handle it early on.
So, now that my mom knows I'm pregnant, the madness has begun. I get that she's excited, but her prattling on about basically making a whole new nursery in her home made me extremely uncomfortable. She doesn't need to create a whole nursery at her home, because it's honestly not going to spend much time over there unless she quits smoking in the house at a bare minimum. For now, I told her she doesn't need a crib, that a pack-and-play will suffice for short stays, as you can fold it up and put it away when the kid goes home. But I don't think she was sold on the idea. Her home is like a damned antique furniture museum, and you have to walk sideways in rooms to get around crap, there's literally no room for a crib anywhere but the middle of the living room floor.
Backstory: She always wanted more kids, but I was the only one who survived to nearly full term. She had 3 late term MC's before me, and I was born premature and underweight, with an immediate hysterectomy right after the c-section. So I get why she thinks this is another chance for her, but I really need to dissuade her of this idea, I think.
Is there any way to be nice about it? Or do you just have to jump in the mud with both feet and hurt some feelings?
I can't wait for all of the creative things we come up with to weed out trolls on FB. Like "post a pic of an ultrasound with your name and due date on it with your drivers license laying on top of it for ID purposes. And then post a picture of yourself holding a framed picture of you and the baby's father, and also a wooden spoon."
I just think that stuff is fun and hilarious. I mean we all need to keep in mind that the stuff we say here is public but that we can weed out trolls pretty easily in a few months when we head to FB.
"Post a video during your anatomy scan saying this sentence!*insert sentence of random words*"
This is a question for the STM+ in the group: How do I go about setting up family boundaries that aren't overly-restrictive, or mean-spirited, but still get my point across without feeling like I'm being walked all over? I'm asking now because I have a feeling this is going to be a long, drawn out ugly process trying to get her to see that I am the mom, she's the grandma, and not the other way around. I'm 38 yo and she still treats me like an incompetent 15 yo on a lot of things in life, it's extremely frustrating without having a baby and I imagine it's only going to get worse if I don't handle it early on.
So, now that my mom knows I'm pregnant, the madness has begun. I get that she's excited, but her prattling on about basically making a whole new nursery in her home made me extremely uncomfortable. She doesn't need to create a whole nursery at her home, because it's honestly not going to spend much time over there unless she quits smoking in the house at a bare minimum. For now, I told her she doesn't need a crib, that a pack-and-play will suffice for short stays, as you can fold it up and put it away when the kid goes home. But I don't think she was sold on the idea. Her home is like a damned antique furniture museum, and you have to walk sideways in rooms to get around crap, there's literally no room for a crib anywhere but the middle of the living room floor.
Backstory: She always wanted more kids, but I was the only one who survived to nearly full term. She had 3 late term MC's before me, and I was born premature and underweight, with an immediate hysterectomy right after the c-section. So I get why she thinks this is another chance for her, but I really need to dissuade her of this idea, I think.
Is there any way to be nice about it? Or do you just have to jump in the mud with both feet and hurt some feelings?
TBH she can do what she likes in her own house. She can create a nursery and there isn't really anything you can do to stop her, it's her choice. That doesn't mean you have to actually let the baby stay there, of course. I think you should be upfront about it. The smoking issue is something she cannot defend, who in their right mind would want their baby in a house where people have been smoking? It may hurt her feelings for you to say that, but that's too bad.
@neeraja_k - boundaries with family can be tough. I would start with figuring out how much time you and your H would be comfortable with baby being at your mom's house. Will that include overnights? How early in the child's life would this arrangement begin? Is she willing to commit to quitting smoking in the house when your baby is there or all together (this would be a deal breaker for me personally)
Then sit down with you mom and explain that you know she's excited, but you and your H talked about it and have decided that you are comfortable with ______.
If she gets upset, that's ok. If she wants to argue, listen then repeat what you are comfortable with.
When baby arrives, if she tries to overstep the boundaries you've set, have the conversation again. And again.
Really, it's just a matter of outlining your expectations and sticking to your guns. It's totally ok if she gets upset by it. At the end of the day he or she is your baby and you are responsible for deciding what is in her / his best interest.
@calimom2524 I saw Weezer a few summers ago with Panic! At the Disco and it was a really fun show! I actually enjoyed Panic a little more lol. I've already decided that if baby isn't here yet I'm going to scalp last minute tickets and dance myself into labor
August '18 March Siggy Challenge - You had ONE JOB
@calimom2524 I saw Weezer a few summers ago with Panic! At the Disco and it was a really fun show! I actually enjoyed Panic a little more lol. I've already decided that if baby isn't here yet I'm going to scalp last minute tickets and dance myself into labor
I LOVE Panic! I've seen them a few times and every time I leave just blissfully happy. Luckily SO is huge into music too so concerts are a big deal to us, we've already gone to 3 together since November. You should totally go, Weezer is always a good choice haha
I wish I could go to concerts with DH but we have totally different tastes in music! There are a couple of bands that we've been able to see together, but they are few and far between. We have Summerfest here which is really awesome, that's about the only music we enjoy together in general, but as we've gotten old and cranky we don't deal well with the crowds anymore.
August '18 March Siggy Challenge - You had ONE JOB
haha @hardlyhannah SO likes some pretty non traditional "guy" music. The first concert we saw together was Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, and The Chainsmokers and it was his idea to go. His favorite bands have strong female lead singers which lines up perfectly with my taste but we also both love the punk-y rock-y kinda bands. We have the same favorite group too which is crazy because they're not very popular in the US. Of Monsters And Men.
Just throwing it out there...I'm not the catfish bread person. Now I don't know who I think catfish bread person is but it's obviously one of us. SO WEIRD.
Dh is the WORST at concerts. We went to a 90s hip hop concert and he was so frustrated everyone was standing. His reaction was "WHY does everyone have seats if they're just going to stand?!" I don't go to concerts with him
@ecwk Yup that’s it! You’re from Ireland right? Great game of rugby for the Wales vs Ireland in the six nations, my ward manager in work is Irish and was feeling very smug about it!
@lalala2004 Is it very effed up to suggest looking at who posts/doesn't post in HDBD? I cannot think of another way to prove sincerity here. But I also don't like suggesting that EVERYONE has to do it....and I suppose HDBD pics can be altered so...yeah. Zero ideas.
@lalala2004 Is it very effed up to suggest looking at who posts/doesn't post in HDBD? I cannot think of another way to prove sincerity here. But I also don't like suggesting that EVERYONE has to do it....and I suppose HDBD pics can be altered so...yeah. Zero ideas.
Anyone could post a bump pic, so that wouldn’t sway me, but if someone is consistently not posting one, that could be a potential clue.
And......now I want some good warm bakery bread. Yummy! I'm not cool enough to be a troll, I'm boring and normal. And I want bread.
@neeraja_k I agree with @ecwk about not being able to control what your mom does in her own home. She can decorate a nursery if she wants. My parents have a lot of things for my kids there and it's nice that they have it.
But, IMO I would not allow my child in a home where people smoke or even have smoked recently (it's in the walls, furniture, carpet, etc.). A smoker will not hold my child (it's on their clothes). I can't protect him against everything in life, but I will do what I can and that can be controlled.
If we keep talking about bread it's just going to keep he/she going. We're feeding the troll
Ignore ignore ignore. Seriously.
Trolls happen, it’s attention-seeking. Whether it’s lee or this, honestly ignoring is the best thing. And yes, screen for fb of course.
Its truly sineone who probably is really bored, unfulfilled in their life, who knows. Regardless of if it’s true or someone stirring the pot, best to ignore.
And......now I want some good warm bakery bread. Yummy! I'm not cool enough to be a troll, I'm boring and normal. And I want bread.
@neeraja_k I agree with @ecwk about not being able to control what your mom does in her own home. She can decorate a nursery if she wants. My parents have a lot of things for my kids there and it's nice that they have it.
But, IMO I would not allow my child in a home where people smoke or even have smoked recently (it's in the walls, furniture, carpet, etc.). A smoker will not hold my child (it's on their clothes). I can't protect him against everything in life, but I will do what I can and that can be controlled.
Yes to all of this on the smoking. My parents smoke (not in the house anymore thankfully) as well as some of my other family and they all knew that they either had to bring a clean change of clothes or not smoke at all before coming to hold baby. If they smelled like it at all they couldn’t hold DS
August '18 March Siggy Challenge - You had ONE JOB
I love the bread at Texas Roadhouse. There’s cinnamon or something in the butter. I told SO to bring it to me in the hospital. Lol.
ZOMG yes! Divine! It's a great restaurant if you're low carb / keto as I was but boy, those rolls made it difficult! Bertuccis rolls too - have you had them? Yummmmmm
Guys, I think you’re forgetting how awesome the bread is at Outback and Cheesecake Factory. That honey oat stuff. Dear lord. I always ask for an extra loaf and stick it in my purse hahaha
April Siggy Challenge: April Showers
About me:
29 y/o Married 6.26.11 BFP 12.23.13, EDD 9.2.14 - baby girl, born too soon at 22w6d due to a placental abruption on 5.5.14 BFP 8.4.14, EDD 4.15.15 - rainbow son, born at 30w4d due to a placental abruption on 2.8.15, healthy 3 y/o now! BFP 2.28.17, EDD 11.8.17 - baby girl, miscarried at 11 weeks on 4.21.17 BFP 11.28.17, EDD 8.8.18, delivering in July - another rainbow baby boy!
My in-laws smoke and I've already mentioned to DH that if his mom smells like smoke she can't hold the baby. They claim they're quitting, but considering FIL had quit for years and just started smoking in the last couple months I'm not sure I believe it.
@neeraja_k I agree with others about not having much control over what your mom does in her own home. Try and discourage her from setting up a nursery, if only from the standpoint that she doesn't need to spend that money upfront. Once the baby is here, then she can determine what she needs. I would try that, even if I knew in my head that I wouldn't be letting the baby stay at her house without me or overnight.
@neeraja_k If she wants to make a nursery, I guess she can. Sounds like you've been upfront that the baby won't really be there, so that would be her wasting money.
I have not a lot of advice on boundaries because my mom is pretty chill. Now my dad like helicopters my son at almost 5 and I just flat out say stuff to him. We don't have a great relationship though so I also don't care about being mean to him hahah IL's are too far away for them to bother me much as well.
The smoking though would really bother me but that's a wonderful excuse for you to not be in her home anways, and completely valid!
@ecwk We’re you successful with Keto? I have to limit carbs this pregnancy, and I’m so thankful for Keto because I’m finding all sortable of recipes that I can use. But, man, my fat intake is crazy! Healthy fats, but still!
@lalala2004 Is it very effed up to suggest looking at who posts/doesn't post in HDBD? I cannot think of another way to prove sincerity here. But I also don't like suggesting that EVERYONE has to do it....and I suppose HDBD pics can be altered so...yeah. Zero ideas.
Anyone could post a bump pic, so that wouldn’t sway me, but if someone is consistently not posting one, that could be a potential clue.
I have never posted a HDBD. I am not so comfortable with posting a pic of myself on the internet but, honestly it is mostly because my camera sucks. I have a super cheap phone since my old one broke. But, If it makes everyone feel better i will post one tomorrow.
So today I registered DS for Kindergarten. I was fine until we walked out and then probably the 80% hormones kicked in and I was boo hoo'ing about him being a big boy LOL
@Brezzy1928 I won't be posting any bump pics in the public forum. I don't really care if people don't like it. Too many weirdos out there go right for the HDBD posts. Nope. I'll wait until we're in a secured place. Then ya'll can get real sick of lookin at my face
@Brezzy1928 I won't be posting any bump pics in the public forum. I don't really care if people don't like it. Too many weirdos out there go right for the HDBD posts. Nope. I'll wait until we're in a secured place. Then ya'll can get real sick of lookin at my face
Same. I also had a friend whose photo was stolen. And oddly enough the person who stole it submitted it to a baby center blog post where they showed some slide show of 20 or so pregnant women's bumps and that's how my friend found out.
@ecwk We’re you successful with Keto? I have to limit carbs this pregnancy, and I’m so thankful for Keto because I’m finding all sortable of recipes that I can use. But, man, my fat intake is crazy! Healthy fats, but still!
Yes I lost 25lb in a short time, was never hungry, had so much energy, felt fantastic, was back in my skinny skinny jeans, getting compliments aaaaaand then I got KU and was back in maternity jeans by 7 weeks. Feeling empowered by it though because I know I can do it again after baby #2. My favourite things were fathead pizza, chicken, cheese and broccoli bake and 3 ingredient peanut butter cookies. I did lazy keto but it worked! But I had to quit once I got KU - carbs were the only thing appealing and once the m/s hit, that's all that would settle my stomach!
@ecwk Same, I can't wait to go back on Keto in August! I think part of why I have gained so fast (17 lbs in 17 weeks) is the adjustment to eating carbs again (and massive amounts at that). There is no reason against doing Keto while BFing right? I can usually lose 10 lbs a month doing it and would love to be back close to pre baby weight by the end of mat leave.
*TTC History*
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
@neeraja_k boundaries with parents are difficult. With my own mother I'm able to say "No, I'm his mom" when she suggests I do something else or when I ask her to do something and she brushes it off. I've held the mentality that if I make my boundaries clear from the beginning there will be no "You used to be ok with xxx.". Also, try to remember, grandparents are proud. It's a different role from parenting, most people say they get to enjoy the child more. I try to keep that in mind when they are doing something I don't normally do with my son. When it comes to health or safety though it's very back and white. Things like giving him a cookie I let slide.
With in-laws I've struggled. I originally felt comfortable speaking up for myself/son but boundaries were crossed in a way that I'm completely not ok with once. After that I told my husband it was his role to reinforce those boundaries for us. Sometimes he disagrees so we try to find another solution. I can tell that my in laws have sensed something has changed but that's up to them/my husband to clear up.
For everyone who said let her make a nursery, if my mom were chillax and normal I wouldn't even think anything of it, and in fact I'd encourage it for the days I just need a break or we've got appointments or things where we need to be without little kid distractions. But she's a classic narcissistic manipulator, and it just felt like she was immediately overstepping her bounds by telling me what she has planned for it, like it was her own...rather than first being excited for me and asking what all we're planning for ourselves before just assuming she would have it as much as she wants.
Plus, she's a spend-a-holic, ever since dad died she's been struggling to pay her bills as she blew through her retirement buying stupid useless antiques and is pretty much living on his pensions and social security checks right now...so I don't want to see her waste her money on even more unnecessary things, because I do care about that sort of thing. And we're planning to move more than likely next year, so it'd really be more of a waste of money than she realizes right now.
The smoking is a hard limit for me as well, and it's going to be a really ugly issue to address. She gets incredibly defensive about it even when I ask her politely to not smoke around me, then she gets passive aggressive about blowing the smoke at me, or lighting up in my personal space, just to antagonize me. Plus her house reeks of the smoke, it literally makes my eyes burn and water if I'm inside for more than a few minutes and you can taste it in the air. Everything that has spent any time there has to be washed to get the smell out, our persons included. I don't want my kid exposed to it like I was. I can just see her trying to rationalize it such that because I grew up with it and turned out fine, so that it's okay for my kiddo too. So, I don't know how to get it across to her when she's so set in her ways and willfully stubborn, short of just being blunt, putting my foot down, and letting her have tantrums about it.
Re: Weekly Randoms 3/5
So, now that my mom knows I'm pregnant, the madness has begun. I get that she's excited, but her prattling on about basically making a whole new nursery in her home made me extremely uncomfortable. She doesn't need to create a whole nursery at her home, because it's honestly not going to spend much time over there unless she quits smoking in the house at a bare minimum. For now, I told her she doesn't need a crib, that a pack-and-play will suffice for short stays, as you can fold it up and put it away when the kid goes home. But I don't think she was sold on the idea. Her home is like a damned antique furniture museum, and you have to walk sideways in rooms to get around crap, there's literally no room for a crib anywhere but the middle of the living room floor.
Backstory: She always wanted more kids, but I was the only one who survived to nearly full term. She had 3 late term MC's before me, and I was born premature and underweight, with an immediate hysterectomy right after the c-section. So I get why she thinks this is another chance for her, but I really need to dissuade her of this idea, I think.
Is there any way to be nice about it? Or do you just have to jump in the mud with both feet and hurt some feelings?
Then sit down with you mom and explain that you know she's excited, but you and your H talked about it and have decided that you are comfortable with ______.
If she gets upset, that's ok. If she wants to argue, listen then repeat what you are comfortable with.
When baby arrives, if she tries to overstep the boundaries you've set, have the conversation again. And again.
Really, it's just a matter of outlining your expectations and sticking to your guns. It's totally ok if she gets upset by it. At the end of the day he or she is your baby and you are responsible for deciding what is in her / his best interest.
Me: 37 Him: 38
Married 11.07.2015
August '18 March Siggy Challenge - You had ONE JOB
August 18 Siggy Challenge: April Showers
August '18 March Siggy Challenge - You had ONE JOB
My class today is just....nuts. I think they are super excited about the snow and are planning on a snow day tomorrow. 3pm needs to be here ASAP!
August 18 Siggy Challenge: April Showers
August 18 Siggy Challenge: April Showers
August '18 March Siggy Challenge - You had ONE JOB
Eta just remind yourself this is a public forum. Be careful what you post, you're making it public and leaving a stamp. You're never truly anonymous.
Is it very effed up to suggest looking at who posts/doesn't post in HDBD? I cannot think of another way to prove sincerity here. But I also don't like suggesting that EVERYONE has to do it....and I suppose HDBD pics can be altered so...yeah. Zero ideas.
@neeraja_k I agree with @ecwk about not being able to control what your mom does in her own home. She can decorate a nursery if she wants. My parents have a lot of things for my kids there and it's nice that they have it.
But, IMO I would not allow my child in a home where people smoke or even have smoked recently (it's in the walls, furniture, carpet, etc.). A smoker will not hold my child (it's on their clothes). I can't protect him against everything in life, but I will do what I can and that can be controlled.
Trolls happen, it’s attention-seeking. Whether it’s lee or this, honestly ignoring is the best thing. And yes, screen for fb of course.
Its truly sineone who probably is really bored, unfulfilled in their life, who knows. Regardless of if it’s true or someone stirring the pot, best to ignore.
11/18/16 missed m/c 9w1
08/03/17 no hb 8w
August '18 March Siggy Challenge - You had ONE JOB
Bertuccis rolls too - have you had them? Yummmmmm
August 18 Siggy Challenge: April Showers
About me:
Married 6.26.11
BFP 12.23.13, EDD 9.2.14 - baby girl, born too soon at 22w6d due to a placental abruption on 5.5.14
BFP 8.4.14, EDD 4.15.15 - rainbow son, born at 30w4d due to a placental abruption on 2.8.15, healthy 3 y/o now!
BFP 2.28.17, EDD 11.8.17 - baby girl, miscarried at 11 weeks on 4.21.17
BFP 11.28.17, EDD 8.8.18, delivering in July - another rainbow baby boy!
@neeraja_k I agree with others about not having much control over what your mom does in her own home. Try and discourage her from setting up a nursery, if only from the standpoint that she doesn't need to spend that money upfront. Once the baby is here, then she can determine what she needs. I would try that, even if I knew in my head that I wouldn't be letting the baby stay at her house without me or overnight.
I have not a lot of advice on boundaries because my mom is pretty chill. Now my dad like helicopters my son at almost 5 and I just flat out say stuff to him. We don't have a great relationship though so I also don't care about being mean to him hahah IL's are too far away for them to bother me much as well.
The smoking though would really bother me but that's a wonderful excuse for you to not be in her home anways, and completely valid!
Me: 37, MH: 38; Married August 2017
TTC #1 October 2017: BFP on 12/1/2017, DD born 7/24/2018 @ 37+1 after induction due to preeclampsia
TTC #2 January 2020: AMA, dx with DOR in May 2020
IVF July 2020: 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 12 fertilized, 3 blasts, 2 PGT-A normal
FET 10/7/20: BFP on 10/12/20!!! (EDD 6/25/21); First beta 10/16/20 (9dpt): 148; Second beta 10/19/20 (12dpt): 621; Third beta 10/26/20 (19dpt): 4732; Fourth (and final!) beta 11/2/20 (26 dpt): 22,000+
With in-laws I've struggled. I originally felt comfortable speaking up for myself/son but boundaries were crossed in a way that I'm completely not ok with once. After that I told my husband it was his role to reinforce those boundaries for us. Sometimes he disagrees so we try to find another solution. I can tell that my in laws have sensed something has changed but that's up to them/my husband to clear up.
Plus, she's a spend-a-holic, ever since dad died she's been struggling to pay her bills as she blew through her retirement buying stupid useless antiques and is pretty much living on his pensions and social security checks right now...so I don't want to see her waste her money on even more unnecessary things, because I do care about that sort of thing. And we're planning to move more than likely next year, so it'd really be more of a waste of money than she realizes right now.
The smoking is a hard limit for me as well, and it's going to be a really ugly issue to address. She gets incredibly defensive about it even when I ask her politely to not smoke around me, then she gets passive aggressive about blowing the smoke at me, or lighting up in my personal space, just to antagonize me. Plus her house reeks of the smoke, it literally makes my eyes burn and water if I'm inside for more than a few minutes and you can taste it in the air. Everything that has spent any time there has to be washed to get the smell out, our persons included. I don't want my kid exposed to it like I was. I can just see her trying to rationalize it such that because I grew up with it and turned out fine, so that it's okay for my kiddo too. So, I don't know how to get it across to her when she's so set in her ways and willfully stubborn, short of just being blunt, putting my foot down, and letting her have tantrums about it.