Rainbow Babies... post may trigger some.

bdesterhouse

How many are expecting their rainbow baby? 

I have two angels, and I am expecting my rainbow baby. I love my angels dearly and don't mind talking about them or my pregnancies with them.

I thought maybe a thread to be able to express fears, anxiety, or to talk about our angels would be nice to have seperate from other conversations so never before pregnant ladies are not triggered. The last thing I would want to do is give fear to a first time pregnant mom to be. 

bdesterhouse

I go in for a third beta test this wednesday. I've read a few posts about seeing heart beats and and ultra sounds. My anxiety and fear were fine the last week, but reading these posts have definetely brought unwanted fears back. Anyone else have similar anxiety? 

christycalifornia

Thanks for starting this. I'm hesitant to even talk about loss (though I tend to mantion it in passing) because I lost so early. Only 7 weeks. So I never know what to call my last baby or this baby, because I know some lose much later. But I did start a rainbow blanket after I lost, hopeful for this next baby. 

I was super anxious, and still am off and on, but I'm having so many symptoms so early, and that didn't happen at all with my daughter or the last baby, I feel like it's a regular (uncomfortable) reassurance that baby is in there and growing. I'm anxious about my appointment on Wednesday. My OB was adimant that I come in at 6 weeks and I'm worried there won't be anything to see yet and I'm just going to worry until the next appointment. 

The hardest part for me was twofold: one, I just felt stupid. I was so excited to get a BFP after a year and a half of trying and even getting tested that I told a bunch of people. Everything was SO textbook with my daughter, I naively assumed it would be with my second pregnancy, and I felt so stupid and sad when I had to text everyone and say "nevermind! No baby." My friends were great, of course, but it didn't stop me from feeling completely dumb. 
Two, having to explain how I'm feeling to my husband on a regular basis has been hard. He's a great guy, but he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why I'd have a hard time feeling immediately happy about this baby. Or like, I asked him to pick me up more tests at Target yesterday, and he was like "I don't know why you still want tests. We're going to see the baby on Wednesday." Last time, the line on the tests going from faint to non-existant was what let me know something was wrong and to go get tested. So seeing that line stay strong and dark is a great comfort to me. It's just hard to have to give an explanation rather than him just getting it, but I know that's not his fault. 

Sorry for the essay. I have a lot of words. 

acunamatada

I knew I lost my last pregnancy at almost 6 weeks when I bled for a day and my betas dropped. They assumed I was miscarrying (levels were dropping SO fast) until my tube burst weeks later. My hcg was only 55. 
It was a long experience and we had to wait another 3 mo to try again, that was the worst. 
I was a mess when I got my BFP, analyzing every twinge, and I've had plenty. I had so many betas up until 5 weeks that I literally had bruises on both my arms. On Thursday I had an ultrasound and saw a sac with a yolk in the right place and that's all I could hope for. (Now they're worried about heterotopic but that's another story). 
I'm actually feeling really good about this pregnancy but my husband is still so worried another loss, I don't know how to reassure him. 

christycalifornia

@acunamatada liking in solidarity, and also for you feeling good. If I may ask, what are betas? Its my first time hearing that unit of measurement. 

acunamatada

@christycalifornia it's just an hcg draw, they measure the beta hcg. No clue why it's called that! 

christycalifornia

@acunamatada Oh! Thank you! They just called it HCG for me. Good to know. 

Savanna111911

@christycalifornia I totally understand what you're saying about not talking about it. I lot mine at 5 weeks and some change. It was an unplanned pregnancy and I only knew I was pregnant for 6 days. We've told very few people and for a few months it really just didn't feel like a big deal. I was sad about it but I hadn't really even had a chance to fully come to terms with the fact that I was pregnant when it was gone. It's been in the last few of months when we started to think about trying again that the weight of it really hit me. I'm just terrified. 

Katm89

@christycalifornia your experience is very very similar to mine. Dh grabbed me the other day and told me to stop doubting my body so much and that I'm not broken and I lost it and just cried. I have no clue how he knew I was feeling this way. 
Edited for spelling

bdesterhouse

Thank you ladies for sharing. It doesn't matter how long you were pregnant and the loss occured, you have the right to feel the way you do. Please don't ever feel dumb for the way something makes you feel. I am glad people are sharing, because it shouldn't be taboo. Keeping it in makes me personally feel worse and that I should be ashamed of my angels. I'm not ashamed of them, they were my flesh and blood. I loved them. 

Trigger warning for early those that had an early loss****


My daughter passed away at 32 weeks and my son passed away at 16 weeks. No reason given for my daughter, other than I knew from the beginning I wouldn't be taking her home. I knew in my heart she was only going to be mine in spirit. When we learned my son passed away, it did come as a shock. He was supposed to be our rainbow, losses were 1 in 4 not 2 in 4 type of thing. My doctor was in disbelief and just as heart broken as we were. in the ten years she'd been practicing she'd only had one other patient lose a baby then to have a patient lose two. My son's passing was a freak accident and one that no one could have prevented. I have a harder time dealing with my daughters loss, and constantly have these what if's.

End of trigger warning

I'm a big advocate for people going in when they feel something is off or something doesn't feel right. Never let a doctor, midwife, or nurse make you feel dumb for going in for reassurance. Just my thoughts. 

megankb838

This August I lost a baby at 6 weeks. I was completely devastated and in shock. I have had 1 normal pregnancy 8 years ago and couldn't believe I was having a miscarriage. I felt betrayed by my body. Like something had changed and I couldn't make a baby anymore.  When I was in the hospital for the MC I found out I had a UTI and I am still very convinced that's what caused me to loose the baby. But who knows.  trying to not place blame is hard. since losing the baby I have been cleaning up my lifestyle to prepare for the next time I would be pregnant.  Now I am 6 weeks again and everything feels good, I believe this baby will stay with me.

christycalifornia

@bdesterhouse loving for how you shared your heart. I'm so sorry for both of your losses. I can't imagine. And thank you for your advocacy. It makes me angry how much women have to advocate for ourselves when it comes to health care. When I went to get tested because I knew I was going to miscarry, my husband and my sisters were like "you're probably fine, you're just worried, don't go in, you'll get to see the baby in a week." As soon as my doctor confirmed I was no longer producing HCG I started bleeding. I'd had a feeling for a few days, and it was like my body was waiting for me to know to let go. I'm so glad I went in and didn't wait another 10 days, because I knew. Empowering advocacy is always a good message to hear, and your story made me weep, but also made me grateful for the voice you now have and the love you choose to share with other moms. Thank you. 

bdesterhouse

christycalifornia - I am at work, how dare you say sweet things to me and make my pregnancy hormones make me weepy. Seriously, you're too sweet. My husband knows never to tell me not to go in. If I even have a slight feeling something isn't right, we'd head to the doctor to get things checked out. Having that home support is just as important as having the support of your doctor. I'm sure your husband wouldn't say anything now, and unfortuntely for some men it takes going through things like this for their empathetic and understanding sides to come out. It's not their fault though, they aren't the ones going through the pregnancy itself. 

Katm89

@bdesterhouse I'm so sorry for your losses. I didn't read your whole story because I like to stay ignorant and think you enter a safe zone at some pt, but logically I know that is not true. FX this is your take home baby. I will pray for you.

@christrycalifornia I was infuriated that I saw the line not get darker and I thought something was wrong and everyone kept telling me I was borrowing trouble and that I had no reason to think it would end badly, especially after having such an easy pregnancy and labor the first time around. I feel stupid that I let ppl fill me with false hope. When I told my mother I was grateful that at least my HCG was lowering quickly and doing what it was supposed to so I didn;t need intervention... she said "your body is doing a beautiful thing" and it haunts me to this day that she said that my body murdering my baby was beautiful. I was supposed to tell her right away when I conceived again, but I am just not ready to. My dad stupidly said " are you sure you were even pregnant?" and I snapped at him. I had positive tests for 6 days! I'm not an idiot. but when all was said and done my "period" was only a day late.

bdesterhouse

Katm89 - ignorance is bliss, stay that  way. it's why I put the trigger warning. I don't want to scare anyone. That will just make things worse. 

acunamatada

@Katm89 my MIL had the same reaction as your mother when they thought I was originally m/c. I know she meant well but I couldn't believe she said something along the lines of "at least your body is doing what it's supposed to do!"... Ummmm no, it's not. 

mhaack92

I am so sorry to hear about everyone's losses. They are truly heart wrenching!

I too am hesitantly expecting our rainbow baby after 4 early losses (all chromosomally normal). My RE believes we found and hopefully solved the problem. Although its hard I don't mind talking about it because I feel it brings awareness to the struggle some people go through. I'm so excited for this pregnancy, but find myself questioning whether it's really happening. I keep thinking at my ultrasound they are going to "you were never even pregnant". Dumb Anxiety. We can get through this and we all deserve our beautiful little rainbows!!

christycalifornia

Just so everyone knows, I'm loving out of love and solidarity! Not because I love what you've done through!

@bdesterhouse for sure, now that we've been through it, he'd never tell me not to go in. He does try to tell me not to worry, but once I explained why I wanted the sticks, he was like "of course. You do you, babe, whatever you need." I just wish I didn't hae to explain so much. 

@Katm89 That is so hard. I'm never not baffled at the things people think are appropriate to say when people are greiving. I think people sometimes just don't know what to say, so they say anything that comes to mind that makes THEM feel better in the moment, when sometimes it's better to stay silent if you don't know what would be helpful. I've been through a lot of grief in my life, and I try to give people the benefit of the doubt because you never know until you've been there, sadly, but it's so hard when it comes from someone you love that should be supporting you. I had that thought: what if I never was pregnant? But my doctor definitely assured me otherwise, and I ever had to hear that from anyone else. That would have killed me. I don't blame you for being hesitant to share. My first baby my mom was in the delivery room with me, and now we're not on speaking terms so last time I decided to wait to tell her until the second tri just because I didn't want to deal with her if something happened. I'm so glad I did. There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself and limiting who you tell if they aren't safe for you to grieve around. There is so much worry and fear with a new bfp after loss, we need people who will lift us up, and carry our hope when we can't, not people who make us afraid to tell if something goes wrong. All that, in my wordy way, I'm saying hugs to you.

christycalifornia

stillcozy

Hi ladies!! So so many hugs to you and your beautiful rainbow babies! In my last bmb hey had a PGAL (pregnant after loss) weekly check-in thread that didn’t require any two so that everyone could share freely how they were doing!  I think it is a great idea and want you all to feel supported and cared about. So much love to you all!

kinslersmom

 This will hopefully be my 3rd rainbow baby.  I lost my 1st, 3rd and 5th pregnancies, all at or around 13 weeks. It's been 3.5 years since my last and we've been trying ever since. It's so hard to be excited... but I'm hopeful!

Katm89

I'm so sorry for your losses @kinslersmom

christycalifornia

@kinslersmom praying for you in this early time, and that you hit second tri strong with a rainbow baby!

murraydog2008

Thank you for posting this.  I'm finally pregnant again after nearly 2 years of trying.  We have 2 older kids (7 and 4) that we got pregnant with immediately when we were trying or just talking about trying.  Then we decided for #3 and I got pregnant right away again - and had a loss right away at about 5 and a half weeks.  It was such a wake up call to me. I had become so overly confident that I would never struggle to get pregnant and there I was - not only having a m/c but also struggling for months on end to get pregnant.  We were just about to call it quits and honestly took last month "off of trying" and just had fun ...... on a whim I took a test and found out that I was pregnant.  I am just hitting 8 weeks today and have my first ultrasound this Friday. I am so nervous and anxious I can hardly think about much else. I am very humbled at this point and have a great appreciation of all that some families have to go through to have their babies.   I am also reassured by all the symptoms I recognize from my first 2 pregnancies.  I didn't feel anything with the pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. So here's hoping this one sticks around!

Savanna111911

It is amazing the things that people say. My best friend said repeatedly that the test was probably just a false positive. I lost at about 5 1/2 weeks and had only known I was pregnant for 6 days. Had I not been super in tune with my body it would've been possible for me to never even test. But I home tested 3 times AND the doctor confirmed the pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I think she still to this day thinks it wasn't a miscarriage or that somehow because it was early it wasn't that big of a deal. Admittedly I felt that way for a while too but it's been hard since I started trying again. Also the thing that shocked me was when people who knew about the miscarriage would keep pushing for when we were going to have baby 2. So hurtful. 

tgortney

I’m so torn about feeling excited about this baby.

I’ve had 2 MC since May. Pregnancy with DS was great. I didn’t expect my 2nd pregnancy but devastated by the loss at 5 weeks and 4 days when I started bleeding. 3rd pregnancy, we found out at the ultrasound at 7 weeks and 1 day that the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks. I had to use cytotec to expel the tissue.

I feel like all the happiness of pregnancy has been stripped from me. 

I suspect my doctor will not allow me an ultrasound till at least 7 weeks (understandably) so the next 3 weeks will feel like 3 years. I started nightly progesterone cream this time so hopefully it’ll work out.

christycalifornia

@tgortney Prayers that all will be well with you and your babe! I'm sorry for your loss. 

ckmb_1250

@mhaack92 very best wishes to you this time. Would you mind sharing what you and your RE found the problem was? Curious if it's preventive or how your Dr helped?

zande2016

@Katm89 ugh mom's can be so oblivious sometimes! I had a chemical pregnancy a couple months ago, and I made the mistake of telling my mom. She said "oh well, this is for the best, you didn't want to be pregnant again so soon anyway, did you?" I was so floored I couldn't even speak. I think that's why I haven't told anyone about this pregnancy yet, and don't plan to for a while. 

tgortney

@christycalifornia thank you!

I hope we all have sticky babies!! I feel for all you, ladies! Nature is beautiful but so so cruel.

indulgentgypsy

Love this thread. I have 2 boys, oldest is almost 10 and the youngest is 8. I had a miscarriage in between the 2 of them and thought for a while we were done having babies. I got pregnant 2.5 years ago, had a MMC at 11 weeks and started bleeding on the 4th of July while in the hospital with my oldest. Got Pregnant again 6 months later, lost at 5 - 6 weeks. Got pregnant again last year, lost at 8-9 weeks. I'm on progesterone suppositories and baby aspirin and Vitamin D as well as all the normal supps this time around. I believe I will be taking this baby home. I can already feel her (I think it's a girl this time) in my arms. I will be grateful for every pregnant day I get. 

christycalifornia

@AKFarmerBecky we'll all believe with you. I hope that for you.

adventuresawait1

Appreciation for this thread and support for all of you. I had a MC in July at 6.5 weeks and a lot of what you all have said resonates with me. At the time my mom said, "oh, in my day that would have just been a late period." At 2.5 weeks late, I don't think so. (And it sure didn't *feel* like that.) I am at 6 weeks now, so I am really on edge. But got good betas and am feeling more symptoms, so trying to be cautiously optimistic as I wait for the US at 8 weeks. 

christycalifornia

Dude, Wednesday is going to be my DAY on this board! I was looking to see if there was a PGAL day listed, and Wednesday is our designated check-in day! Plus plus size moms and 2nd time mom's, all of which I am! Anyway, do we want a check in? I actually laugh at a lot of the attempts to keep the board "organized" and don't super care myself, but I understand the need. I've really enjoyed talking to you ladies in this thread, and I think it would be nice to check in. I don't know if we need to do every week, just wanted to throw it out there since @bdesterhouse was so sweet in pulling us together in the first place. 

indulgentgypsy

I'm totally down for a check in @christycalifornia!

Katm89

@christycalifornia I would definitely participate in a check in, thank you @bdesterhouse for bringing us together. 

Does anyone know the stats for a miss miscarriage? this is my biggest fear especially after having to tell my family so early. I read online that is is only 1 % of all losses, but that seems low. I want to know if I have a good chance of seeing a healthy bean if I don't have red bleeding and my betas looked good.

mhaack92

@ckmb_knottie I'm happy to share if it could help anyone! I believe my uterus was unreceptive. I only can get pregnant through ivf and then after our embryos implant they would arrest. After 1 endometrial biopsy we found my lining was "pre-receptive" but then after another loss I pushed to have it checked again and it was "post-receptive" which is odd. So it seems I have an abnormally short window. I also tried a steroid this time as well so I suppose that could've helped too. 

Katm89

"When the HCG rises appropriately, there is a much lower chance of ectopic or miscarriage.

The higher the number the lower the chance of miscarriage in most circumstances".

it was saying if it is not twins, the high number indicates a very strong implantation
https://rscbayarea.com/blog/about-hcg-tests
How true is this? I doubt I am having twins and my betas were very high.

stillziggysmom

I'm so sorry for your losses, mama. 

This is my 5th pregnancy and desperately hoping will be my second to term pregnancy. It actually came as a total shock. I miscarried again in October and Benched myself this cycle because I knew I wasn't going to be able to track properly. Plus we had family in town so actively TTC just wasn't in this month's plan. Then, wouldn't you know it? I took a spontaneous HPT the day before AF and it was positive! Had to take about 5 more, including 2 digital signal, on top of about blood test to convince myself it's real.

So that's my story. Now I'll sit impatiently and terrified until my doc calls to figure out a game plan. I just feel desperate to make it to the first ultrasound. 

acunamatada

Katm89 said:

"When the HCG rises appropriately, there is a much lower chance of ectopic or miscarriage.

The higher the number the lower the chance of miscarriage in most circumstances".

it was saying if it is not twins, the high number indicates a very strong implantation
https://rscbayarea.com/blog/about-hcg-tests
How true is this? I doubt I am having twins and my betas were very high.

That's basically what I've gotten out of obsessively researching betas. 
Maybe it is twins? Or a girl like you thought? I've read that the higher hcg the better, unless it's REALLY high then molar is suspected. 
Mine were high too, tripled until 5k then slowed to doubling but I think I did have two implant. Too bad they can't get you in for an u/s earlier! 

Katm89

@acunamatada my midwife is very hands off, so they want to confidently see a heart beat at the ultrasound, only 2 stressful weeks to go!