@kp90 like PPs have said, I'm so angry on your behalf right now. You are not being treated fairly and you definitely need to take steps to change the dynamic now, before the baby is here. I'd start by trying to have a calm, open conversation with him that doesn't come out of an argument but is done at a time of relative peace so neither of you are already antagonized. Try again if it isn't productive, but I agree with @LadySamLady suggestion to go to counseling. You can't shoulder the entire burden anymore and certainly not after your baby girl arrives. He needs a reality check and soon.
- How necessary is a humidifier for a baby, actually?
- Assuming I give birth on my EDD, how likely is it that I will feel up to going to some friends' wedding two weeks later? Baby would not attend; would be baby-sat by ILs or parents.
- Again assuming I give birth on my EDD, how likely is it that I'll feel up to going to concert three weeks later? Flight of the Conchords is going to be in Milwaukee and the thought of missing them makes me sad.
DD got sick all.the.time. that first year, so a humidifier is clutch. Especially since you can't really give them medicine! Ear infections, stuffy noses and coughs are rough when they are so little, so it was one of the only things I could do to help.
So since we moved across the country in December, my sister and mom threw a small "celebrate the baby/pregnancy/new mom to be" party (since it was way too early to consider it a shower) back in November so that my husband and I could see all of our close friends and family before we left and so we could celebrate this pregnancy with those we love before we move so far away. We got so much baby stuff, and I'm so so grateful. We've pretty much, over the past few months, have gotten most everything else we need for baby....and there's NO ROOM for it. Kids need a lot, man and we've got zero storage space in this new house. I got organizer bins for the nursery closet and have put most of what I could fit in there, and currently things like the baby bath, the few rattles/toys we have, the play mat, are all piled into the crib because I have nowhere else for them to go. WHERE THE HELL DO PEOPLE KEEP ALL THE BABY STUFF?! I walk in there to try and tackle the nursery to get it to looking how I want and there's a big eye sore of a stroller chilling in the corner. Haha. Here baby! Sleep atop of your baby stuff mountain, I promise it will be comfy!
I'm having the same issue with finding storage space. After our first shower a week ago, our nursery is overflowing, and we still have another shower in 3 weeks! When we bought our house about 2 years ago, we were moving from a condo and thought we'd never find enough stuff to fill the whole thing. Fast forward 2 years, and I have no idea where all this stuff came from! Because we have vaulted ceilings throughout the house, our only attic space is over the garage, and it's relatively small. Other than that and some shelving in the garage, we don't have any storage space. When we cleaned out the room that is now our nursery, we threw out a ton of stuff and I still have about 6-7 boxes of stuff stacked in my guest room that I need to sell, donate, or find somewhere to store. My ILs have a vacation condo across town with a small attic over their garage that they don't use, so I may start filling it!
STMs: Where did/do you store your stroller, baby carrier, and other larger items when not in use? We could always set them in the foyer by the door or in the dining room floor, but I can't stand clutter and I'm sure it would drive me crazy.
Stroller - either in the garage or in the trunk of my car. Baby carrier - typically it's just in the back seat of my car on the floor so it's handy to throw on and throw DD on me (on the carseat side, so even if I have someone ride with me it isn't in the way) Other big items (swing, jumperoo, RNP, etc) went in the attic as soon as she was too big for them to be available for the next baby. When in use, the swing was in the living room against the wall. RNP travelled, we used it everywhere, all the time! Bedroom, bathroom while I would shower/bathe, we even took it to the drive in movie (score!) ... By the time she was big enough for the jumperoo, she had outgrown the swing & RNP and they went in the attic. Car seat obviously lives in the car. We have converted our front room (dining room then workout room) to a playroom so it's full of her big toddler toys (easel, table & chairs, tent, etc) so that helps some. I may put the swing in there for this baby, so I can hang out in there while DD plays and LO naps... still working on that one.
@kp90 Jesus christ, he is seriously being a dickbag. I second @LadySamLady's suggestion of counseling - and if he doesn't agree with it and won't go, I strongly suggest you go even by yourself if you can. You do not deserve to be treated that way, period. Sending you internet hugs.
@kp90 I'm so sorry. Everything PP said. You shouldn't have to deal with that. He should be bending over backwards to make things easier on you. You are working and growing a human for goodness sake. The least he can do is pick up the slack at home. Hugs to you.
@kp90 Definitely not being hormonal, you being upset is 100% justified, he's being an inconsiderate prick. My husband is military and works long hours on his feet all day and he's gone for long periods of time where he has to sleep on a metal rack and work 16 hours a day. I don't work due to a medical condition and I feel that it's my responsibility to keep house, cook, and take care of the dogs since that's really all I can offer. Yet there are days where I have a hard time doing a sink full of dishes or a full load of laundry. My husband comes home and gladly helps me without me having to ask. This makes me feel horrible because I know he's been working all day, but we are a team and he realizes that if I were able, I'd get everything done around the house that I can and then some. When I'm in a flare due to my condition, my husband has to come home and feed me, bathe me, clothe me, and do all of the other tasks around the house because I get THAT sick. He does it without one single complaint. He appreciates the little things that I do like packing him breakfast and lunch and making him a homemade meal (when I'm able) for him to come home to and all of the stupid little notes I stick around the house and in his lunch box telling him I appreciate him. YOU are a team, you work just as he does. The duties at home need to be divided, and he needs to understand that you're pregnant and there will be times when YOU need to come home from work, get in your pjs, and kick your feet up waiting for dinner to be served to you and allowing him to take care of the house and dogs. I'd sit down and have a talk with him because letting this continue will only make things worse. Hugs to you
@kp90 PPs have given great advice. I totally agree that you're not being treated fairly or with enough respect as an equal partner. Things are about to become more complicated with a baby, so working through your differences now will pay dividends over your entire relationship, but will be hugely beneficial over the next year. You are partners in life and it isn't your job to wait on him hand and foot, the sooner he learns that lesson, the better. Good luck, I hope you have a calm and honest discussion and that he listens to what you're saying and is open to making some changes.
@kp90 I'm so sorry. Everything PP said. You shouldn't have to deal with that. He should be bending over backwards to make things easier on you. You are working and growing a human for goodness sake. The least he can do is pick up the slack at home. Hugs to you.
@kp90THIS...and I certainly echo everything PP have said. Your post made me really sad girlfriend. You do not deserve to be treated that way. I would cry and be super hurt too if my DH spoke to me like that or didn't appreciate me. Sending virtual hugs.
@kp90 I really don't like your SO. You deserve so much better, and it breaks my heart that you put up with his selfishness and lack of respect for you. It would be one thing if he was just having a bad day, but this seems to be a recurring behavior. I also have to encourage you to seek counseling, and ultimately to take care of yourself and your baby girl first. Hugs to you.
a friend of mine rsvp'd yes to my shower but then two weeks before the shower realized it's her husband's bday the next day and so is having a family dinner the day of my shower and decides to change her rsvp from yes to no. Upon hearing this from my baby shower host I'm appalled that someone can't just attend for the sake of showing up since you're my friend and a close one at that even for just an hour. The shower is during the day if I remember correctly.
I don't understand people sometimes.
If she is a good friend, my guess is that she both really needs the time to prep for company to come over and that she intends to be such a big part of your life with baby that she doesn't see the shower as an important event for her to attend to show her care for you and baby.
A positive spin on a big faux pas, I suppose, but I'm sure your friend wasnt being thoughtless or dismissive, and I'm sure she's sorry not to be there. Because she is your friend, I'm assuming the best!
@dshannah I think i am just overreacting because i wouldn't do that to a friend...but that's just me...I appreciate you showing me the other side!! Im gonna blame it on 3rd trimester hormones lol
Oh, @kp90. Hugs. I agree with everything PPs said, but I especially think that counseling is a good suggestion. From what I gather about him, he doesn't seem like the type of person to really listen and try to understand your feelings. Maybe a third party could get through to him a little better. For what it's worth, if DH ever acted like that about me heating up his food (and not just doing it himself) I would've thrown it straight in the trash! That is totally unacceptable behavior. Having a newborn is hard and time consuming and he needs to realize now that you're not going to be able to take care of him like he's a child as well. You're going to need his help. I really hope for your sake that he stops being such a douchebag.
So I thought I'd post this here so I don't clog the board with another vent session but I need to get this out before I explode and start crying... again. I'll try to make it short but I need to vent.
This has been an ongoing thing for some time but lately I can't handle it. My SO and I both work full time.. well I get home before him and I swear I do 90% of the house work 100% of the time. When I get home at 5pm I do not get off my feet until about 730/8pm and then its time for bed.
Last night as soon as he comes in the door he starts complaining that the house smelled funny. I told him I just took the trash out... and he's like no, it smells like dogs. (we have 3... technically they are mine and I had them long before him and I got together) so anyway.. I tried to ignore it. He then makes a comment about how he's starving since I didn't pack him breakfast in his lunch and that it was an "implied task"... I also tried letting this slide... so then I go to heat up dinner (left overs) I take him his plate and its cold.. so he asked me to put it back in the microwave for 2 min. Well I didn't put it in that long for fear it would get nasty and overheat.. I put it in about 50 seconds and put it back on the table. He stated again it was STILL cold and why can't I follow simple directions and put it in for 2 minutes like he asked me to? So as I walk back to the microwave I put the plate in for TWO MINUTES and did not give one shit if the food caught on fire.. I sat there listening to it sizzle and pop as tears are running down my face because how mean he was being. This went on literally all night. Nothing I did was right or good enough. I only get my flaws noticed.
Skip to today... I just emailed him telling him I wont have time to cook tonight because once I get home we have to turn around and leave in about 50 min to an hour and I still have to change and take care of the dogs so my plan is to stop by fast food and pick up something on the way.... his reply was "Of course!" to which I responded "was that sarcasm?" and he replied, "definitely". So I then just emailed back and asked what his suggestion for dinner was???? I don't know if its me and hormones but I seriously can't take much more of this. I bust my ass EVERY SINGLE DAY and he never sees or acknowledges it. I can't do this much longer and I don't know how to fix it. I just want to cry!!
Just based on what you've said in the past about him all I have to say (take it or leave it) if you don't stop this behavior now by talking to him about it and putting your foot down or even better getting the hell out of there then it's going to just continue and more than likely get worse. Also, you need to realize the reality of your baby growing up and him setting the example for how SHE will allow her future partner to treat her based on how you allow him to treat you. Your life is no longer only about you anymore. It is about your LO. You both need to act accordingly. Meaning, he needs to be told he can't treat you this way and adjust and you need to stick up for yourself and not allow this to go on. If he's not game to you sticking up for yourself and changing then you need to leave. Period. Mark my words: It will only get worse. I promise. You and your LO deserve better. Period.
Been married since 2009. Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter) Several MCs DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
@kp90 I was so hoping that after his initial twatwaffly behavior (after your first medical scare) that your SO had ovaried up and become the partner you deserve: I remember once you said that he brought you flowers at work for your birthday and thinking ok, he can't be all that bad.
But this is horrible. He is consistently rude to you, made no effort to *microwave his own dinner* and belittled you for trying to be considerate? Because that's what you were doing: being considerate of his freaking taste buds. And he can't even be bothered to be considerate of your time, energy, and feelings??????? When you are carrying his child? Give him the boot--Goodbye and good riddance!
I know you don't want to go it alone, but you're already essentially doing it all on your own anyway: the only thing he's adding to the mix is drama, negativity, and an extra ass to wipe at the end of the day. Kick him to the curb and do not take him back without some serious goddamned groveling. See how long he lasts having to make his own dinner, clean his own house, wash his own clothes, and take out his own trash. But mostly, leave the turdherder high and dry, and get on with your life.
(I was trying so hard to keep to my Lenten disavowal of swear words but I just cannot express how angry I am without them--sorry! At least baby can't hear them when I type...)
I know you love him, no matter how awful he makes you feel sometimes, so if you absolutely cannot dump him yesterday, perhaps a Chore Chart would help him realize just how much you are doing for him. DH and I have one, and it lists all of the household tasks that need to get done every week. When we do something, we put our initial next to the category. By the end of the week, we can see who's done what, and if there's a week that one of us has done significantly more, we make a point of trying to improve that. I'm attaching a picture of ours. It's not actually filled out because we've mostly stopped using it: it was really useful when we were first living together and hadn't balanced out our tasks, but now we're in such a routine that we just don't use it anymore. We also now split all the tasks: I feed the cats and he cleans the litter box; I take the trash bags out of the trash and he carries them to the outside can while I replace the bags; we cook dinner together; he does all the vacuuming and I do all the bathroom cleaning. So the chart is kind of obsolete for us. BUT!! It was a fantastic way of letting us both know how much the other was doing to keep our home functioning, and taught us to appreciate what the other one was doing.
But if he's not even remorseful that he made you cry, if he talks down to you with such un-self-aware contempt, there might not be much to save. He's too toxic to redeem. I'm so sorry.
@kp90 I'm sorry that you're dealing with this during pregnancy. rough. I'm hoping for you that the arrival of baby might be a fresh start for your relationship as well. Roles and other things in life change. For example, my DH used to make dinner when I would work til 8pm, but when he went back to night school, I had to suck it up and figure dinner out for us most nights because he didn't home til 9pm. When he finished school, I had to have the difficult conversation with him that I need more help around the house. I have a hard time asking for help for fear that it makes me look weak - but when we help each other out, we spend more time together doing fun things.
I remember thinking "why won't he help me!!" when our twins were infants. After many tears, I realized that I have to ask him for help. But I also felt devastated that I should have to ask for help for OUR children - couldn't he hear them cry too?!
Being pregnant again, I wasted no time asking him to feed the twins breakfast on the weekend so that I could spend more time in bed. Communication is key for us - and it is still a work in progress.
eta: I know I'm not perfect either! I know it makes him crazy when he comes home from a long day and there are toys everywhere. Some days I can get it done, and some days, he helps!
Mama to Three Girls: Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!
@kp90 that sucks. My DH and I were just talking about how we divu up responsibilities. The metaphor we use is he is the CFO (he keeps our budget, makes sure bills get paid, approves major purchases), I'm the COO (I keep our schedule, maintain the house, laundry, family obligations) but we're BOTH the CEO (major company wide decisions need to be made together). it sounds like you're doing all THREE jobs, and no company/family can function that way. I'm wondering too what your husband thinks his contribution is to your family? as Pp have said, counseling would be a good idea. You're married, that means you gotta figure this stuff out, but it seems like an emotionally charged situation and a counselor can help you both feel heard and understood. good luck!
So I thought I'd post this here so I don't clog the board with another vent session but I need to get this out before I explode and start crying... again. I'll try to make it short but I need to vent.
This has been an ongoing thing for some time but lately I can't handle it. My SO and I both work full time.. well I get home before him and I swear I do 90% of the house work 100% of the time. When I get home at 5pm I do not get off my feet until about 730/8pm and then its time for bed.
Last night as soon as he comes in the door he starts complaining that the house smelled funny. I told him I just took the trash out... and he's like no, it smells like dogs. (we have 3... technically they are mine and I had them long before him and I got together) so anyway.. I tried to ignore it. He then makes a comment about how he's starving since I didn't pack him breakfast in his lunch and that it was an "implied task"... I also tried letting this slide... so then I go to heat up dinner (left overs) I take him his plate and its cold.. so he asked me to put it back in the microwave for 2 min. Well I didn't put it in that long for fear it would get nasty and overheat.. I put it in about 50 seconds and put it back on the table. He stated again it was STILL cold and why can't I follow simple directions and put it in for 2 minutes like he asked me to? So as I walk back to the microwave I put the plate in for TWO MINUTES and did not give one shit if the food caught on fire.. I sat there listening to it sizzle and pop as tears are running down my face because how mean he was being. This went on literally all night. Nothing I did was right or good enough. I only get my flaws noticed.
Skip to today... I just emailed him telling him I wont have time to cook tonight because once I get home we have to turn around and leave in about 50 min to an hour and I still have to change and take care of the dogs so my plan is to stop by fast food and pick up something on the way.... his reply was "Of course!" to which I responded "was that sarcasm?" and he replied, "definitely". So I then just emailed back and asked what his suggestion for dinner was???? I don't know if its me and hormones but I seriously can't take much more of this. I bust my ass EVERY SINGLE DAY and he never sees or acknowledges it. I can't do this much longer and I don't know how to fix it. I just want to cry!!
Your husband sounds like an asshole and I feel bad for you that you're married to him honestly. My husband would never treat me that way.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
@kp90 and another thought: if you're concerned about money (since that seems like the only thing he might be helping out with): he's still got to pay child support, even if you have gotten rid of him for his frankly abusive behavior.
@AdorkablePixie I don't think you pointing out that your situation is better is going to make her feel better about any of it. Obviously she knows he's not treating her well.
@JessicaB0627 Really? Because almost everyone else mentioned their husbands and how helpful they are with things too. Do you want to single all them out as well?
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Thank you ladies for all the advice and input. It's appreciated. I wish you ladies actually knew him so you could better understand where I come from as far as when I don't stand up for myself or I try to keep the peace.. I guess because I know 100% that it would only create an even bigger storm and I'm trying so so hard not to stress myself out again after my hospital trip last week that threw myself into contractions... and yes because I love him and don't want to lose him. BUT I do agree with all of you 100%. I know this isn't right or fair and the thing is I would never, EVER accept this from anyone else.. I just don't understand what it is that won't let my inner rage come out and speak up. We kind of talked last night on the way home from birthing class.. which he did attend but this was probably the first and last one because of his work. Anyways.. the conversation really did not get us anywhere. He only defended himself and said that he shouldn't have to be in a relationship where he is afraid to say whatever he wants. Again, I know this sounds insane because if I did that we would end up in World War 3. I can't seem to get through to him. And its not ALWAYS like this.. sometimes he can be very sweet (like PP on my birthday) etc. and sometimes he will do house chores without me asking like taking the trash out.. but those moments are few and far between all the things he points out that I have failed to do. I won't even get into some of what he said last night because I know it would only piss you ladies off even more, believe me. But he is thinking about attending some anger management courses so maybe that's a start? and he at least acknowledge that he is not okay and he knows some of his behavior isn't justified so I also think that's a big step in admitting that. He blames most of it on his high stress job and he suffered a head injury about 2 years ago during deployment so I know that has also played into some of his changes. Not making excuses for him, I just want him to seek help if that's what he needs and try to think before he speaks and realize how much he hurts me sometimes. I am definitely going to bring up counseling and hope he doesn't completely shut it down.
Thank you ladies for all the advice and input. It's appreciated. I wish you ladies actually knew him so you could better understand where I come from as far as when I don't stand up for myself or I try to keep the peace.. I guess because I know 100% that it would only create an even bigger storm and I'm trying so so hard not to stress myself out again after my hospital trip last week that threw myself into contractions... and yes because I love him and don't want to lose him. BUT I do agree with all of you 100%. I know this isn't right or fair and the thing is I would never, EVER accept this from anyone else.. I just don't understand what it is that won't let my inner rage come out and speak up. We kind of talked last night on the way home from birthing class.. which he did attend but this was probably the first and last one because of his work. Anyways.. the conversation really did not get us anywhere. He only defended himself and said that he shouldn't have to be in a relationship where he is afraid to say whatever he wants. Again, I know this sounds insane because if I did that we would end up in World War 3. I can't seem to get through to him. And its not ALWAYS like this.. sometimes he can be very sweet (like PP on my birthday) etc. and sometimes he will do house chores without me asking like taking the trash out.. but those moments are few and far between all the things he points out that I have failed to do. I won't even get into some of what he said last night because I know it would only piss you ladies off even more, believe me. But he is thinking about attending some anger management courses so maybe that's a start? and he at least acknowledge that he is not okay and he knows some of his behavior isn't justified so I also think that's a big step in admitting that. He blames most of it on his high stress job and he suffered a head injury about 2 years ago during deployment so I know that has also played into some of his changes. Not making excuses for him, I just want him to seek help if that's what he needs and try to think before he speaks and realize how much he hurts me sometimes. I am definitely going to bring up counseling and hope he doesn't completely shut it down.
@kp90 I'm sorry but you are in an abusive relationship. My ex was mentally and physically abusive and the way he treated me was spot on with the way your man is treating you. It's called gaslighting. He wants to make himself be the victim (not being able to say what he wants) and is making tons of excuses. It took me 3 years and a hospital trip before I got out. Not saying your guy is physically abusive, but his behavior raises so many red flags and is actually giving me some flashbacks to my ex. Please be careful and consider that you are taking care of another little person now. So many hugs.
@sarawifenow Thank you. And I'm sorry you dealt with that kind of abuse in the past for so long. Unfortunately my ex was also mentally abusive and I was in therapy because of it which led me to finally getting out but it was headed down a very ugly path especially when he would drink. That's no situation for anyone to ever be in. I really hope this relationship never reaches that point and we can turn it around before that happens.
@kp90 Glad you guys talked and that there are a few bright spots.
From your issues with your coworker, though, it just seems like you are a conflict-averse person. A lot of us are, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, but it means that we need to make sure we don't hang around people who take advantage of that. If your SO can become that sort of person through anger management, maybe there is hope.
And I am very sympathetic about the head trauma.
But. You cannot sacrifice yourself (and your child) on the altar of his health.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for four years before he ended things when I said I knew I wanted kids (thank goodness, because I'd have tried even longer to make it work because I wanted to help him overcome his depression). He was a good person, just not for me, and his depression made him say and do things he would not have done otherwise. But after years of gaslighting and verbal abuse, there was nothing left to salvage. Now I realize we never would have gotten past it. Now (a short 6 years later) each of us is married to a partner we are much more well suited to, and infinitely happier than we would have been together.
I so want you to be stronger than I was and call the relationship unsalvageable before you waste more time on it and incur further emotional damage (I couldn't do any household chores for years without my abusive ex's voice in my head telling me that I was doing it wrong!), but I know it's hard. Especially when he is willing to go to anger management.
But remember: at a certain point it doesn't matter *why* he is treating you badly, it just matters *that* he is, and that it's an unsafe environment for you and your baby.
Thank you ladies for all the advice and input. It's appreciated. I wish you ladies actually knew him so you could better understand where I come from as far as when I don't stand up for myself or I try to keep the peace.. I guess because I know 100% that it would only create an even bigger storm and I'm trying so so hard not to stress myself out again after my hospital trip last week that threw myself into contractions... and yes because I love him and don't want to lose him. BUT I do agree with all of you 100%. I know this isn't right or fair and the thing is I would never, EVER accept this from anyone else.. I just don't understand what it is that won't let my inner rage come out and speak up. We kind of talked last night on the way home from birthing class.. which he did attend but this was probably the first and last one because of his work. Anyways.. the conversation really did not get us anywhere. He only defended himself and said that he shouldn't have to be in a relationship where he is afraid to say whatever he wants. Again, I know this sounds insane because if I did that we would end up in World War 3. I can't seem to get through to him. And its not ALWAYS like this.. sometimes he can be very sweet (like PP on my birthday) etc. and sometimes he will do house chores without me asking like taking the trash out.. but those moments are few and far between all the things he points out that I have failed to do. I won't even get into some of what he said last night because I know it would only piss you ladies off even more, believe me. But he is thinking about attending some anger management courses so maybe that's a start? and he at least acknowledge that he is not okay and he knows some of his behavior isn't justified so I also think that's a big step in admitting that. He blames most of it on his high stress job and he suffered a head injury about 2 years ago during deployment so I know that has also played into some of his changes. Not making excuses for him, I just want him to seek help if that's what he needs and try to think before he speaks and realize how much he hurts me sometimes. I am definitely going to bring up counseling and hope he doesn't completely shut it down.
I don't know much about mental abuse, but what you are describing fits the bill from what I do know. My heart breaks for you that you are dealing with this manipulation. Because that is what he is doing; manipulating you to think you are the wrong one. I would never advocate for someone leaving their SO, especially on an internet site where all we know is what you are saying and we cant see both sides of the story. But I would suggest that you think about this relationship. Is it really what you want? Can you see a future with this guy? Is this the type of man you want raising your daughter? Hugs girl! We are here as a place to vent if you need.
@kp90 I'm glad that he's willing to go to anger management at least-- hold him to that. I agree with pp, that it's definitely possible this gasligthing behavior is coming from head trauma or depression, but it still needs to stop. Those things cannot be an excuse for abusive behavior.
Getting to the root of the problem will help, but in the meantime, it's still unreasonable for you to have to feel like you're walking on egg shells around him. If you both want to work through to fix this rather than leaving, he needs therapy/management and you guys should agree upon some ground rules for discussions and chores (a therapist can help with this!) at the very least so that you feel safe voicing concerns when you have them and the power dynamic can shift to a more equal place.
Is Daniel Tiger this generation's Barney? It does my head in but I'm embarrassed to admit, that show is the only way DS will currently brush his teeth. Meow meow!
Thank you ladies for all the advice and input. It's appreciated. I wish you ladies actually knew him so you could better understand where I come from as far as when I don't stand up for myself or I try to keep the peace.. I guess because I know 100% that it would only create an even bigger storm and I'm trying so so hard not to stress myself out again after my hospital trip last week that threw myself into contractions... and yes because I love him and don't want to lose him. BUT I do agree with all of you 100%. I know this isn't right or fair and the thing is I would never, EVER accept this from anyone else.. I just don't understand what it is that won't let my inner rage come out and speak up. We kind of talked last night on the way home from birthing class.. which he did attend but this was probably the first and last one because of his work. Anyways.. the conversation really did not get us anywhere. He only defended himself and said that he shouldn't have to be in a relationship where he is afraid to say whatever he wants. Again, I know this sounds insane because if I did that we would end up in World War 3. I can't seem to get through to him. And its not ALWAYS like this.. sometimes he can be very sweet (like PP on my birthday) etc. and sometimes he will do house chores without me asking like taking the trash out.. but those moments are few and far between all the things he points out that I have failed to do. I won't even get into some of what he said last night because I know it would only piss you ladies off even more, believe me. But he is thinking about attending some anger management courses so maybe that's a start? and he at least acknowledge that he is not okay and he knows some of his behavior isn't justified so I also think that's a big step in admitting that. He blames most of it on his high stress job and he suffered a head injury about 2 years ago during deployment so I know that has also played into some of his changes. Not making excuses for him, I just want him to seek help if that's what he needs and try to think before he speaks and realize how much he hurts me sometimes. I am definitely going to bring up counseling and hope he doesn't completely shut it down.
I was reading through your post and was going to ask if he had a really stressful job, but you answered that for me. I think anger management is a good idea. That and counseling. Has he spoken to a doctor about the head issues/had any scans? Maybe being put on medication would help even him out, if that's truly what he believes is going on.
Even still, it's not fair for him to treat you that way. You are his wife and he should be treating you like he loves and adores you. If people always said exactly what they wanted, we'd all be in a lot of trouble. I know if I did it, I'd have lost my job long ago and probably wouldn't have any friends. There is a time and a place and belittling you and constantly complaining is not okay. It's just not.
Hopefully some anger management/counseling will help. I think counseling would be a good idea because there would sort of be a middle person there and that person would make you talk and your DH would have to listen. Maybe it would help him understand how much he is hurting you, because I really don't think he realizes it.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
@kp90 So sorry you are going through that. I was in a similar relationship awhile back- right down to the TBI/PTSD- and it's tough. I hope he agrees to go to counseling, but if he doesn't, consider going on your own. Counseling/therapy helped me a lot.
Also, have you ever checked out Al-Anon? I know he's not an alcoholic, but I found it helped me so, so much with not letting people's crazy behavior affect me and my life. Codependents Anonymus is also worth checking out, but I liked Al-Anon a lot better.
So I thought I'd post this here so I don't clog the board with another vent session but I need to get this out before I explode and start crying... again. I'll try to make it short but I need to vent.
This has been an ongoing thing for some time but lately I can't handle it. My SO and I both work full time.. well I get home before him and I swear I do 90% of the house work 100% of the time. When I get home at 5pm I do not get off my feet until about 730/8pm and then its time for bed.
Last night as soon as he comes in the door he starts complaining that the house smelled funny. I told him I just took the trash out... and he's like no, it smells like dogs. (we have 3... technically they are mine and I had them long before him and I got together) so anyway.. I tried to ignore it. He then makes a comment about how he's starving since I didn't pack him breakfast in his lunch and that it was an "implied task"... I also tried letting this slide... so then I go to heat up dinner (left overs) I take him his plate and its cold.. so he asked me to put it back in the microwave for 2 min. Well I didn't put it in that long for fear it would get nasty and overheat.. I put it in about 50 seconds and put it back on the table. He stated again it was STILL cold and why can't I follow simple directions and put it in for 2 minutes like he asked me to? So as I walk back to the microwave I put the plate in for TWO MINUTES and did not give one shit if the food caught on fire.. I sat there listening to it sizzle and pop as tears are running down my face because how mean he was being. This went on literally all night. Nothing I did was right or good enough. I only get my flaws noticed.
Skip to today... I just emailed him telling him I wont have time to cook tonight because once I get home we have to turn around and leave in about 50 min to an hour and I still have to change and take care of the dogs so my plan is to stop by fast food and pick up something on the way.... his reply was "Of course!" to which I responded "was that sarcasm?" and he replied, "definitely". So I then just emailed back and asked what his suggestion for dinner was???? I don't know if its me and hormones but I seriously can't take much more of this. I bust my ass EVERY SINGLE DAY and he never sees or acknowledges it. I can't do this much longer and I don't know how to fix it. I just want to cry!!
@kp90This really upsets me for you. Why does your SO think it's your job to pack his meals, cook for him, clean the house, etc.? He is a grown ass adult who is eating the meals and living in the house and making a mess there, so why does he think you should be doing all these things for him? Unless he's disabled and unable to care for himself (which doesn't appear to be the case), he's just being a selfish, immature asshole. I might even give him the benefit of the doubt if you were a homemaker and he was the only one coming home hungry and tired after a long day of work (but even then, he still wouldn't have an excuse for the nasty attitude), but there is no reason for you to be doing so much when you both work full time outside of the home and you are 6+ months pregnant. He needs a serious reality check before your LO gets here! Is he going to expect you to be the only one jumping up to feed, change, and comfort your child in the middle of the night and then go to work sleep-deprived, only to come home and clean the house and cook for him? That's too much for any one person, but my guess is that will be his expectation. It's not fair to you, and you shouldn't allow him to treat you that way. If you don't address these issues with him now (either by talking through it yourselves or seeking professional counseling), it is only going to get worse when your LO arrives.
When it comes to chores, MH and I try to do a 50/50 split, but he's kind of a slob and I usually end up doing much more housework than he does. We each have our own laundry baskets and each do our own laundry. Granted, his basket is usually overflowing (which drives me crazy), and I occasionally do some of it for him, but it's never expected that I do those kinds of things for him, and he's grateful when I do. I'm not a very good cook, and he likes cooking, so he usually cooks dinner and I clean up the mess. I usually do the floors, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. because he does a half-assed job and I end up going behind him and redoing it anyway. I also handle our finances, bills, etc. because he's not great with organization or deadlines. But, he takes care of our lawn and boat maintenance with little to no help from me, so it usually evens out. For us, it comes down to individual accountability and mutual respect for one another. He understands that I am his wife - not his maid - and that it's not my job to make sure he has clean underwear or a sandwich for lunch. We are both adults who are capable of taking care of ourselves, so - unless one of us is sick or injured - we would never expect the other to take on such a disproportionate amount of work. We've discussed night feedings/changings, etc. for when our LO arrives, and while we don't know exactly how it will play out yet, we are planning to each contribute as equally as possible to the care of our child. It wouldn't be fair to put that much responsibility on either one of us alone.
While I don't think it's necessary to have an exact 50/50 split, it is essential to a healthy relationship for each partner to pull his/her own weight, contribute to the relationship, and (most importantly) treat one another with respect. I'm sorry you aren't getting that from your SO and wish you the best in working through these issues with him.
Thank you all. And @swfljd I wish it were that simple. I've told him time and time again if I sat home on my butt all day then of course I would have no issue cleaning, cooking, etc all by myself but like you said that is not the case.. I work full time and am very pregnant. He just doesn't seem to get it or care. It's always a 'suck it up' attitude. I asked him why he can't do simple things that he complains about... like clean the microwave or vaccum or lint roll the couch if theirs dog hair present, etc. His answer was because he did not make the mess and they are my dogs, not his. -_- my conversation literally did not get us anywhere last night when it comes to house work... but I will try again. He did wash both our vehicles over the weekend while I did all the inside stuff so I was grateful for that. But I need the help during the week inside when I am exhausted. I'll try talking to him again after this weekend when I go home for my shower. Maybe this little break this weekend will do him some good.
@kp90 prayers sent to you and your family. It's admirable that you're choosing to stick it out! I would remind you that it took your husband a lifetime to get this way, and one conversation isn't going to fix everything at once. It's good that you know and recognize when a conversation is unproductive so you can both chip away at the problem.
@kp90 I don't think the "the dogs are yours" excuse is fair. When he married you, the dogs became his as well. In my opinion, anyway. My DH always says our dogs when they're being good but when one of them is bad, they're my dogs. lol
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
@kp90 what would happen if you just stopped doing things like making his meals and cleaning up after him? Maybe he needs a dose of reality that it is time to grow the F up and take care of himself like an adult.
@kp90 what would happen if you just stopped doing things like making his meals and cleaning up after him? Maybe he needs a dose of reality that it is time to grow the F up and take care of himself like an adult.
That's exactly what I was going to say. Make him do his own crap and see how long he lasts.
Thank you ladies for all the advice and input. It's appreciated. I wish you ladies actually knew him so you could better understand where I come from as far as when I don't stand up for myself or I try to keep the peace.. I guess because I know 100% that it would only create an even bigger storm and I'm trying so so hard not to stress myself out again after my hospital trip last week that threw myself into contractions... and yes because I love him and don't want to lose him. BUT I do agree with all of you 100%. I know this isn't right or fair and the thing is I would never, EVER accept this from anyone else.. I just don't understand what it is that won't let my inner rage come out and speak up. We kind of talked last night on the way home from birthing class.. which he did attend but this was probably the first and last one because of his work. Anyways.. the conversation really did not get us anywhere. He only defended himself and said that he shouldn't have to be in a relationship where he is afraid to say whatever he wants. Again, I know this sounds insane because if I did that we would end up in World War 3. I can't seem to get through to him. And its not ALWAYS like this.. sometimes he can be very sweet (like PP on my birthday) etc. and sometimes he will do house chores without me asking like taking the trash out.. but those moments are few and far between all the things he points out that I have failed to do. I won't even get into some of what he said last night because I know it would only piss you ladies off even more, believe me. But he is thinking about attending some anger management courses so maybe that's a start? and he at least acknowledge that he is not okay and he knows some of his behavior isn't justified so I also think that's a big step in admitting that. He blames most of it on his high stress job and he suffered a head injury about 2 years ago during deployment so I know that has also played into some of his changes. Not making excuses for him, I just want him to seek help if that's what he needs and try to think before he speaks and realize how much he hurts me sometimes. I am definitely going to bring up counseling and hope he doesn't completely shut it down.
@kp90 I'm sorry but you are in an abusive relationship. My ex was mentally and physically abusive and the way he treated me was spot on with the way your man is treating you. It's called gaslighting. He wants to make himself be the victim (not being able to say what he wants) and is making tons of excuses. It took me 3 years and a hospital trip before I got out. Not saying your guy is physically abusive, but his behavior raises so many red flags and is actually giving me some flashbacks to my ex. Please be careful and consider that you are taking care of another little person now. So many hugs.
I really just wanted to reiterate this. It is very easy to brush off the idea of a relationship being abusive without the element of physical abuse, but @sarawifenow nails it on the head when she talks about this being an emotionally abusive relationship. My father was very much this way with my mother and I have unfortunately witnessed this sort of power play/manipulative behavior in several of my close friends' relationships. It must be so scary to imagine walking away from the father of your child when you are in such a vulnerable place (end of pregnancy!) @TXmamatobe mentioned earlier that it is important to consider what kind of role model you want to be for your daughter and I think that is invaluable advice. Start with counseling, with him or without him, and see where your options take you from there. We are all here, cheering you on.
@JessicaB0627 Really? Because almost everyone else mentioned their husbands and how helpful they are with things too. Do you want to single all them out as well?
I think the difference is if the poster offers or tries to offer constructive advice based on what worked for them.
I can't tell you how many friendships I ended because a well-meaning friend said some version of: "I'd never let my boyfriend treat me/talk to me like that." They were right, of course, but I couldn't hear it without getting defensive, because there were no constructive ideas offered, just condemnation of me and my choices and my standards of treatment.
And more importantly, the language of "I would never..." gives the false impression a) that it's the victim's fault and b) that any one of us will always know better than to become involved in an abusive relationship. It can happen to *anyone* (and does), and it sneaks up on you.
I would love to take credit for choosing the man who ultimately became my husband, and with whom I have an amazingly healthy relationship. But I can't: I just got really flipping lucky, and had enough experience with previous relationships to not mess it up when it fell into my lap. So much of how we fall in love with our partners is dumb freaking luck; and then things happen, like head injuries and depression, that can warp even the best of relationships. That "I would never..." is never actually true.
Re: **The Everything Random Thread for May 2016**
BFP 1: 9/15/2013 | DD 5/23/2014
BFP 2: 9/15/2015 | EDD 5/26/2016
Baby carrier - typically it's just in the back seat of my car on the floor so it's handy to throw on and throw DD on me (on the carseat side, so even if I have someone ride with me it isn't in the way)
Other big items (swing, jumperoo, RNP, etc) went in the attic as soon as she was too big for them to be available for the next baby. When in use, the swing was in the living room against the wall. RNP travelled, we used it everywhere, all the time! Bedroom, bathroom while I would shower/bathe, we even took it to the drive in movie (score!) ... By the time she was big enough for the jumperoo, she had outgrown the swing & RNP and they went in the attic.
Car seat obviously lives in the car.
We have converted our front room (dining room then workout room) to a playroom so it's full of her big toddler toys (easel, table & chairs, tent, etc) so that helps some. I may put the swing in there for this baby, so I can hang out in there while DD plays and LO naps... still working on that one.
BFP 1: 9/15/2013 | DD 5/23/2014
BFP 2: 9/15/2015 | EDD 5/26/2016
DS: Born 5-17-16
Been married since 2009.
Unicornuate Uterus (yes I menstruate glitter)
Several MCs
DD born 2013 (our miracle "you can't have babies" baby!)
But this is horrible. He is consistently rude to you, made no effort to *microwave his own dinner* and belittled you for trying to be considerate? Because that's what you were doing: being considerate of his freaking taste buds. And he can't even be bothered to be considerate of your time, energy, and feelings??????? When you are carrying his child? Give him the boot--Goodbye and good riddance!
I know you don't want to go it alone, but you're already essentially doing it all on your own anyway: the only thing he's adding to the mix is drama, negativity, and an extra ass to wipe at the end of the day. Kick him to the curb and do not take him back without some serious goddamned groveling. See how long he lasts having to make his own dinner, clean his own house, wash his own clothes, and take out his own trash. But mostly, leave the turdherder high and dry, and get on with your life.
(I was trying so hard to keep to my Lenten disavowal of swear words but I just cannot express how angry I am without them--sorry! At least baby can't hear them when I type...)
I know you love him, no matter how awful he makes you feel sometimes, so if you absolutely cannot dump him yesterday, perhaps a Chore Chart would help him realize just how much you are doing for him. DH and I have one, and it lists all of the household tasks that need to get done every week. When we do something, we put our initial next to the category. By the end of the week, we can see who's done what, and if there's a week that one of us has done significantly more, we make a point of trying to improve that. I'm attaching a picture of ours.
It's not actually filled out because we've mostly stopped using it: it was really useful when we were first living together and hadn't balanced out our tasks, but now we're in such a routine that we just don't use it anymore. We also now split all the tasks: I feed the cats and he cleans the litter box; I take the trash bags out of the trash and he carries them to the outside can while I replace the bags; we cook dinner together; he does all the vacuuming and I do all the bathroom cleaning. So the chart is kind of obsolete for us. BUT!! It was a fantastic way of letting us both know how much the other was doing to keep our home functioning, and taught us to appreciate what the other one was doing.
But if he's not even remorseful that he made you cry, if he talks down to you with such un-self-aware contempt, there might not be much to save. He's too toxic to redeem. I'm so sorry.
I remember thinking "why won't he help me!!" when our twins were infants. After many tears, I realized that I have to ask him for help. But I also felt devastated that I should have to ask for help for OUR children - couldn't he hear them cry too?!
Being pregnant again, I wasted no time asking him to feed the twins breakfast on the weekend so that I could spend more time in bed. Communication is key for us - and it is still a work in progress.
eta: I know I'm not perfect either! I know it makes him crazy when he comes home from a long day and there are toys everywhere. Some days I can get it done, and some days, he helps!
Mama to Three Girls:
Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor
and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!
My DH and I were just talking about how we divu up responsibilities. The metaphor we use is he is the CFO (he keeps our budget, makes sure bills get paid, approves major purchases), I'm the COO (I keep our schedule, maintain the house, laundry, family obligations) but we're BOTH the CEO (major company wide decisions need to be made together).
it sounds like you're doing all THREE jobs, and no company/family can function that way.
I'm wondering too what your husband thinks his contribution is to your family?
as Pp have said, counseling would be a good idea. You're married, that means you gotta figure this stuff out, but it seems like an emotionally charged situation and a counselor can help you both feel heard and understood.
good luck!
Your husband sounds like an asshole and I feel bad for you that you're married to him honestly.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Menopur 75ml (upped to 112.5ml), Ovidrel, & IUI IUI #1 8/31/2015
9/15/2015: BFP HCG - 400, 9/17/2015: HCG - 827, 9/21/2015 - HCG 3,327!Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Menopur 75ml (upped to 112.5ml), Ovidrel, & IUI IUI #1 8/31/2015
9/15/2015: BFP HCG - 400, 9/17/2015: HCG - 827, 9/21/2015 - HCG 3,327!From your issues with your coworker, though, it just seems like you are a conflict-averse person. A lot of us are, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, but it means that we need to make sure we don't hang around people who take advantage of that. If your SO can become that sort of person through anger management, maybe there is hope.
And I am very sympathetic about the head trauma.
But. You cannot sacrifice yourself (and your child) on the altar of his health.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for four years before he ended things when I said I knew I wanted kids (thank goodness, because I'd have tried even longer to make it work because I wanted to help him overcome his depression). He was a good person, just not for me, and his depression made him say and do things he would not have done otherwise. But after years of gaslighting and verbal abuse, there was nothing left to salvage. Now I realize we never would have gotten past it. Now (a short 6 years later) each of us is married to a partner we are much more well suited to, and infinitely happier than we would have been together.
I so want you to be stronger than I was and call the relationship unsalvageable before you waste more time on it and incur further emotional damage (I couldn't do any household chores for years without my abusive ex's voice in my head telling me that I was doing it wrong!), but I know it's hard. Especially when he is willing to go to anger management.
But remember: at a certain point it doesn't matter *why* he is treating you badly, it just matters *that* he is, and that it's an unsafe environment for you and your baby.
I don't know much about mental abuse, but what you are describing fits the bill from what I do know. My heart breaks for you that you are dealing with this manipulation. Because that is what he is doing; manipulating you to think you are the wrong one. I would never advocate for someone leaving their SO, especially on an internet site where all we know is what you are saying and we cant see both sides of the story. But I would suggest that you think about this relationship. Is it really what you want? Can you see a future with this guy? Is this the type of man you want raising your daughter? Hugs girl! We are here as a place to vent if you need.
Getting to the root of the problem will help, but in the meantime, it's still unreasonable for you to have to feel like you're walking on egg shells around him. If you both want to work through to fix this rather than leaving, he needs therapy/management and you guys should agree upon some ground rules for discussions and chores (a therapist can help with this!) at the very least so that you feel safe voicing concerns when you have them and the power dynamic can shift to a more equal place.
I was reading through your post and was going to ask if he had a really stressful job, but you answered that for me. I think anger management is a good idea. That and counseling. Has he spoken to a doctor about the head issues/had any scans? Maybe being put on medication would help even him out, if that's truly what he believes is going on.
Even still, it's not fair for him to treat you that way. You are his wife and he should be treating you like he loves and adores you. If people always said exactly what they wanted, we'd all be in a lot of trouble. I know if I did it, I'd have lost my job long ago and probably wouldn't have any friends. There is a time and a place and belittling you and constantly complaining is not okay. It's just not.
Hopefully some anger management/counseling will help. I think counseling would be a good idea because there would sort of be a middle person there and that person would make you talk and your DH would have to listen. Maybe it would help him understand how much he is hurting you, because I really don't think he realizes it.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Menopur 75ml (upped to 112.5ml), Ovidrel, & IUI IUI #1 8/31/2015
9/15/2015: BFP HCG - 400, 9/17/2015: HCG - 827, 9/21/2015 - HCG 3,327!Also, have you ever checked out Al-Anon? I know he's not an alcoholic, but I found it helped me so, so much with not letting people's crazy behavior affect me and my life. Codependents Anonymus is also worth checking out, but I liked Al-Anon a lot better.
When it comes to chores, MH and I try to do a 50/50 split, but he's kind of a slob and I usually end up doing much more housework than he does. We each have our own laundry baskets and each do our own laundry. Granted, his basket is usually overflowing (which drives me crazy), and I occasionally do some of it for him, but it's never expected that I do those kinds of things for him, and he's grateful when I do. I'm not a very good cook, and he likes cooking, so he usually cooks dinner and I clean up the mess. I usually do the floors, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. because he does a half-assed job and I end up going behind him and redoing it anyway. I also handle our finances, bills, etc. because he's not great with organization or deadlines. But, he takes care of our lawn and boat maintenance with little to no help from me, so it usually evens out. For us, it comes down to individual accountability and mutual respect for one another. He understands that I am his wife - not his maid - and that it's not my job to make sure he has clean underwear or a sandwich for lunch. We are both adults who are capable of taking care of ourselves, so - unless one of us is sick or injured - we would never expect the other to take on such a disproportionate amount of work. We've discussed night feedings/changings, etc. for when our LO arrives, and while we don't know exactly how it will play out yet, we are planning to each contribute as equally as possible to the care of our child. It wouldn't be fair to put that much responsibility on either one of us alone.
While I don't think it's necessary to have an exact 50/50 split, it is essential to a healthy relationship for each partner to pull his/her own weight, contribute to the relationship, and (most importantly) treat one another with respect. I'm sorry you aren't getting that from your SO and wish you the best in working through these issues with him.
Me: 31
DH: 29, SA - Great
Married: June 12,2011
TTC #1: 1/2014
Diagnosis: Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Treatment: Clomid: 50mg, 100mg, 150mg - not successful and not monitored
Menopur 75ml (upped to 112.5ml), Ovidrel, & IUI IUI #1 8/31/2015
9/15/2015: BFP HCG - 400, 9/17/2015: HCG - 827, 9/21/2015 - HCG 3,327!@TXmamatobe mentioned earlier that it is important to consider what kind of role model you want to be for your daughter and I think that is invaluable advice. Start with counseling, with him or without him, and see where your options take you from there. We are all here, cheering you on.
I can't tell you how many friendships I ended because a well-meaning friend said some version of: "I'd never let my boyfriend treat me/talk to me like that." They were right, of course, but I couldn't hear it without getting defensive, because there were no constructive ideas offered, just condemnation of me and my choices and my standards of treatment.
And more importantly, the language of "I would never..." gives the false impression a) that it's the victim's fault and b) that any one of us will always know better than to become involved in an abusive relationship. It can happen to *anyone* (and does), and it sneaks up on you.
I would love to take credit for choosing the man who ultimately became my husband, and with whom I have an amazingly healthy relationship. But I can't: I just got really flipping lucky, and had enough experience with previous relationships to not mess it up when it fell into my lap. So much of how we fall in love with our partners is dumb freaking luck; and then things happen, like head injuries and depression, that can warp even the best of relationships. That "I would never..." is never actually true.