So I just found out from DH that FIL is not a fan of the name we chose for baby boy. Apparently we're horrible bc we aren't keeping with the naming tradition of the family, which neither of us was even aware of... DH is named that way too, but had no idea this was actually why. But apparently all boys get 2 middle names - each being taken from the grandfathers first name. FIL's name is Arnold and my dads name is Thomas. If we had stuck with the 'tradition' our LO's initials would have been CATS. Thanks but no thanks. When DH told me this I literally laughed hysterically about how our future child's initials almost spelled cats.
Thankfully he's the only person who wasn't a fan. Everyone else has said nothing but great things about the name. And DH essentially told him to get over it bc we liked the name and it wasn't changing. Reason number IDK bc I've lost count of why FIL irritates me... seeing as this is literally the only input he's given for this child. I'm trying to give him a chance here, I just know the first time he meets the baby this situation will be the first thing out of his mouth.
Really??? You JUST found out it is a boy, not a girl, and already getting flack for the name? Your kid, your name.
So given my record and current situation with my mom, wondering what you guys would do? Let her know once my induction date is set? Or just let it goooooo??
I would give her a TO (time out) for you to be stress free, enjoy the little bit left of your pregnancy, and just forget the drama that is her and focus on your sweet new baby. TO meaning no contact, no replies, no engaging in her drama, comments, her baiting & switching you, nothing. Just give yourself (and your new little family of 3) the pure bliss of no more drama at this point.
I actually am playing her game a bit now. I blocked her from calls and emails. And feel really good about it.
First, she's great. She was a huge help when DS was born and is coming to help out with the new baby, too, and she actually helps, as opposed to saying she'll help and then not doing anything. She also has bought us a ton of stuff for the baby, including our very expensive choice of car seat.
The problem is, she spends WAY more time with my brother and SIL and their kids than with us. Granted, they are only 3 hours away from my parents as opposed to us being 8 hours away, but still. This school year to help them out with childcare she has gone over there EVERY Sunday and spent EVERY Monday watching my niece and nephew. I had to remind her that come May she needed to tell them to find something else to do on Mondays because I needed her here. (She did, SIL's mother is going to take over, but still--I had to say something.) Her FB profile pic and cover photo are both of my brother's kids; she hardly ever even shares the pics that I post of DS (I know that it drives some people nuts when grandparents share pics, but honestly I'd love it if my mom would share as much of DS as she does of my niece and nephew.)
Today kind of pushed me over the edge; she shared an old (3 years) pic of my nephew with the daughter of close family friends of ours, tagged all the parents (brother, SIL, and the family friends) and said, "Can't wait to make more memories!" She's referring to them coming on the beach vacation we have planned in July. Um, my family and I will be there, too! We'll be "making memories" too!
I know it's a stupid thing to get upset over something as petty as unequal sharing on Facebook, but really, I'd just like her to acknowledge my kids as much as she does my brother's. Even though she doesn't see them as much, you'd think she could still share pics and talk about them.
HIPPOing with a mini-rant because I need to get this off my chest.
I'm one of the lucky few who doesn't really have IL issues. I never got to meet my MIL, she passed before I was in DH's life. FIL and I get along great. He lives in our same city and this is his first grandchild, so we've seen a lot of him throughout the pregnancy. I'm actually really glad for his support.
Not so much with my own parents. My father has been quite indifferent to my pregnancy (as with all other things in my life) and I've been keeping my mother at a reasonable distance since she tends to be a bit of a narrow-minded meddler. Whenever she and I share a room, tempers are bound to run high. There's just so much history of conflict there.
Case in point, my reason for this post. I ended up going into spontaneous preterm labor and DD was born just shy of 35 weeks (but is luckily doing well outside of NICU). My parents came to visit us at the hospital a couple days later. Things started out quite tame, I introduced them to LO and mom asked to hold her. I said ok, but please wash your hands first. She did, but not without lecturing me about how germ-paranoia stunts the growth of baby's immune system. The next lecture followed shortly thereafter: apparently we were too worried about germs and not worried enough about keeping the wee one warm (she was undressed and only covered with a blanket at the time because we were doing loads of kangaroo care with her). This was followed by how incapable our care providers were (which they weren't, I credit them a lot for a good outcome). And on she went about everything else we were doing wrong.
It started getting more and more personal and insensitive and culminated in her saying outright to my face that it was my fault LO was born too early. DH immediately jumped to my defenses, but it still stung. Especially since I've been working hard on not feeling guilty, because rationally I know the blame isn't on me and sometimes stuff just happens. At this point I was just done. I didn't want my child to be in such a tense environment, I was exhausted & emotional and long story short I told her I wanted her out of the room and haven't talked to her since.
I have no doubt she'll be knocking on our door in a day or two (they came to visit from out of town) and right now I'm too concerned with my baby's well-being and adjusting to motherhood to think about how to handle this situation too.
@SunnySurprise Just because your mom knocks on your door doesn't mean you have to open it! But in all seriousness, if she's going to be like that, there's nothing wrong with limiting her time around you and your LO or even telling her that you need some space and you would appreciate it if they could come back to visit later. She will eventually get over it.
@SunnySurprise Just because your mom knocks on your door doesn't mean you have to open it! But in all seriousness, if she's going to be like that, there's nothing wrong with limiting her time around you and your LO or even telling her that you need some space and you would appreciate it if they could come back to visit later. She will eventually get over it.
Thanks for your reply! I will definitely not stop keeping her at arm's length just because LO is here now. It would be one thing if this were a one-time occurence, but she's been like that all my life. I keep trying to reach out every now and then and every time the results are the same. I know I should be above it all by now, but it's incredible what hold some of the things she's said to me in the past still have over me.
Wouldn't be so sure about the getting over it part She still holds it over my head that I didn't visit her often enough (as in: not weekly) while I was in college. This was years ago. I don't think I'll ever hear the end of it about keeping her grandchild away from her. But I'm willing to take that if it means cutting that additional stress and self-doubt out of my - and especially my daughter's - life.
Feeling some mixed emoticons today. Today marks four weeks since the last time I spoke with my mom. A lot has happened in those fours that made me realize that cutting off communication with her is the best thing for me and my family. But man oh man, the guilt of not sending a Mother's Day greeting is eating me alive. For anyone else feeling that way today, I saw this great article last night. Know you are not alone
@yogahh Setting boundaries with your Mom is healthy and ok, but it doesn't make days like this any easier. Try to focus on you today. After all, you are a mama!
@yogahh Setting boundaries with your Mom is healthy and ok, but it doesn't make days like this any easier. Try to focus on you today. After all, you are a mama!
Yup. And my guess is she didn't send you any mother's day greetings either. Focus on you & your family.
FWIW I'm going to start a new thread tomorrow- post partum edition. It seems wrong to start a new one today on Mother's Day.
I think once you have a baby, that's when things really get cray cray with the parents/in laws, and boundaries, or lack there of... It will be a good place to get some frustration off of our chest!
@yogahh Setting boundaries with your Mom is healthy and ok, but it doesn't make days like this any easier. Try to focus on you today. After all, you are a mama!
Yup. And my guess is she didn't send you any mother's day greetings either. Focus on you & your family.
She might have called but since I blocked her I wouldn't know... But you are probably right!
And man did I make a lot of typos in my post!! Blame it on pregnancy brain.
Re: Problematic Parents/In laws 1/25
I actually am playing her game a bit now. I blocked her from calls and emails. And feel really good about it.
I just need to vent about my mom for a minute.
First, she's great. She was a huge help when DS was born and is coming to help out with the new baby, too, and she actually helps, as opposed to saying she'll help and then not doing anything. She also has bought us a ton of stuff for the baby, including our very expensive choice of car seat.
The problem is, she spends WAY more time with my brother and SIL and their kids than with us. Granted, they are only 3 hours away from my parents as opposed to us being 8 hours away, but still. This school year to help them out with childcare she has gone over there EVERY Sunday and spent EVERY Monday watching my niece and nephew. I had to remind her that come May she needed to tell them to find something else to do on Mondays because I needed her here. (She did, SIL's mother is going to take over, but still--I had to say something.) Her FB profile pic and cover photo are both of my brother's kids; she hardly ever even shares the pics that I post of DS (I know that it drives some people nuts when grandparents share pics, but honestly I'd love it if my mom would share as much of DS as she does of my niece and nephew.)
Today kind of pushed me over the edge; she shared an old (3 years) pic of my nephew with the daughter of close family friends of ours, tagged all the parents (brother, SIL, and the family friends) and said, "Can't wait to make more memories!" She's referring to them coming on the beach vacation we have planned in July. Um, my family and I will be there, too! We'll be "making memories" too!
I know it's a stupid thing to get upset over something as petty as unequal sharing on Facebook, but really, I'd just like her to acknowledge my kids as much as she does my brother's. Even though she doesn't see them as much, you'd think she could still share pics and talk about them.
I'm one of the lucky few who doesn't really have IL issues. I never got to meet my MIL, she passed before I was in DH's life. FIL and I get along great. He lives in our same city and this is his first grandchild, so we've seen a lot of him throughout the pregnancy. I'm actually really glad for his support.
Not so much with my own parents. My father has been quite indifferent to my pregnancy (as with all other things in my life) and I've been keeping my mother at a reasonable distance since she tends to be a bit of a narrow-minded meddler. Whenever she and I share a room, tempers are bound to run high. There's just so much history of conflict there.
Case in point, my reason for this post. I ended up going into spontaneous preterm labor and DD was born just shy of 35 weeks (but is luckily doing well outside of NICU). My parents came to visit us at the hospital a couple days later.
Things started out quite tame, I introduced them to LO and mom asked to hold her. I said ok, but please wash your hands first. She did, but not without lecturing me about how germ-paranoia stunts the growth of baby's immune system.
The next lecture followed shortly thereafter: apparently we were too worried about germs and not worried enough about keeping the wee one warm (she was undressed and only covered with a blanket at the time because we were doing loads of kangaroo care with her). This was followed by how incapable our care providers were (which they weren't, I credit them a lot for a good outcome).
And on she went about everything else we were doing wrong.
It started getting more and more personal and insensitive and culminated in her saying outright to my face that it was my fault LO was born too early. DH immediately jumped to my defenses, but it still stung. Especially since I've been working hard on not feeling guilty, because rationally I know the blame isn't on me and sometimes stuff just happens.
At this point I was just done. I didn't want my child to be in such a tense environment, I was exhausted & emotional and long story short I told her I wanted her out of the room and haven't talked to her since.
I have no doubt she'll be knocking on our door in a day or two (they came to visit from out of town) and right now I'm too concerned with my baby's well-being and adjusting to motherhood to think about how to handle this situation too.
Home, healthy & happy
~ A., A. & L.J. - our family is complete ~
Wouldn't be so sure about the getting over it part
Home, healthy & happy
~ A., A. & L.J. - our family is complete ~
of not sending a Mother's Day greeting is eating me alive. For anyone else feeling that way today, I saw this great article last night. Know you are not alone
https://jezebel.com/a-toast-to-all-the-brave-kids-who-broke-up-with-their-t-1702954639
I think once you have a baby, that's when things really get cray cray with the parents/in laws, and boundaries, or lack there of... It will be a good place to get some frustration off of our chest!
And man did I make a lot of typos in my post!! Blame it on pregnancy brain.