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Problematic Parents/In laws 1/25

Jenly17Jenly17 member
edited January 2016 in May 2016 Moms
We're coming to the end of January in a brand new year, which might mean that the family drama is behind us...or it's still here!

This is the latest BS happening in my life:
I went to my MIL's house the other day and she proceeded to tell me that she bought a crib for DD. The short story is that I don't trust mil at ALL. We are cordial (for now) but not once have I ever let my daughter sleep over there and I sure as hell will not allow this LO either! I don't know how to get the message through to her. Do I tell her I don't want it? I mean it's at her house, so I guess she can just assemble it and put one of her creepy ceramic dolls in there? Ugh. Face palm. This woman just does not comprehend.


Do you have any mama drama? Let's hear it.
Edited for weird spacing.
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Re: Problematic Parents/In laws 1/25

  • ayeshaoharaayeshaohara member
    IMO if she's silly enough to have bought a crib, given the fact that you don't let your current child stay over, then that's her problem. Just let that one be...it'll end up being used as storage! Thankfully I have incredible in laws but when it comes to saying things that are hard to say...i leave that up to my husband. His parents, he has to tell them!!! Would that be an option??
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  • yogahhyogahh member
    So after the blow out before Xmas, I called mom on Xmas day, NYE and checked in once after that to say hi. She has yet to pick up a phone and call me. In over a month. But I don't make an effort, right? She has sent me one sentence emails like "miss you" and "stay safe in the storm". But hasn't tried to call me to talk. So until she does, I'm not.

    Op is the crib for her house? If so, let her keep it. Doesn't mean she has to use it!

    cat fail animated GIF

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  • Jenly17Jenly17 member
    @yogahh it's for her house. I'm definitely not going to fight her on it, she can totally keep it. As far as I'm concerned, she can assemble and watch it collect dust.
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  • yogahhyogahh member
    Jenly17 said:

    @yogahh it's for her house. I'm definitely not going to fight her on it, she can totally keep it. As far as I'm concerned, she can assemble and watch it collect dust.

    Yeah not worth the fight.
    But now I can't get creepy porcelain doll images out of my head!

    cat fail animated GIF

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  • Jenly17Jenly17 member
    yogahh said:

    Jenly17 said:

    @yogahh it's for her house. I'm definitely not going to fight her on it, she can totally keep it. As far as I'm concerned, she can assemble and watch it collect dust.

    Yeah not worth the fight.
    But now I can't get creepy porcelain doll images out of my head!
    My bad! It's actually very telling about who she is as a person, ha.
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  • wamam027wamam027 member
    So it's been awhile since I posted the back story to the issue with my in laws, however we haven't spoken in 7 months since we sent our initial email asking for privacy where they responded by calling me satan and telling me I had preconceived notions for marrying DH. Anyways, DH and I were in the baby book aisle and were picking some books when he mentioned that he used to have the entire Dr Seuss collection and his mom told him a few years back that she held onto it for when he has kids. So, since his mom is holding his baby pics hostage, my proposal video and pics hostage, and DH will literally have nothing from his childhood or history to pass to our baby because of his mom, I suggested he text her and kindly ask if she's still got the books and if so, would she mind shipping them to us. Well, even though he had every right to do so, she flipped. She had the balls to respond with "of course I still have them, I held onto them so that I could pass them onto MY GRANDBABY". She proceeded to say that she hasn't once been acknowledged as a grandparent of this child and was told of the pregnancy "6 weeks later than everyone else". She complained about the way we told her, she said we should have called her. Then she proceeded to tell DH that all of this is still our fault and she "prays for reconciliation every day and prays [we] will come to [our] senses and apologize so things can go back to how they used to be but it never happens". DH didn't even want to tell her about the pregnancy and wanted to send his family a picture of the baby once he or she arrives, I sent our nieces tshirts that say "I'm going to be a big cousin" and had DH get a blank card and write in it that we are expecting a baby. In my opinion, after what MIL and SIL have said about me, they didn't even deserve that! To me, that's acknowledging that MIL is a grandparent to this baby, and opened the door for her to ask about due date, etc in regards to the baby and we got NOTHING in response, not a congrats, didn't even know if they received the box. Then, I sent them a Christmas card AND a moving announcement with our new address and again, received nothing. Anyways, after how DH simply asking for ONE thing to pass onto this baby went, we were up until 3, he was in tears (he never cries) and yet again, we were both just so so upset about this whole issue. He wanted to tell her to eff off, but I told him I felt like he should compose himself, not text her that instinctually, and should maybe sit down when he's ready and write a closure letter to his family. It's been 7 months, they have zero remorse for things they've said and done, and never will. They continue to see me mainly, but us as the bad guys for simply asking for some space and a little privacy and I've never ever taken any personal jabs. So ridiculous.


    Alright, rant over.
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  • Jenly17Jenly17 member
    @ncm0328 I'm so sorry that your in laws are behaving this way. Is it beyond the realm of possibility for your husband (or the both of you) to invite them to coffee, lunch or somewhere in public to discuss things? I've done this with my MIL before. It always goes easier in a public place because she can't (or doesn't want) make and ass out of herself. I hope your in laws allow their son to have something to pass on to your child. Wishing you the best!!
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  • wamam027wamam027 member
    Jenly17 said:

    @ncm0328 I'm so sorry that your in laws are behaving this way. Is it beyond the realm of possibility for your husband (or the both of you) to invite them to coffee, lunch or somewhere in public to discuss things? I've done this with my MIL before. It always goes easier in a public place because she can't (or doesn't want) make and ass out of herself. I hope your in laws allow their son to have something to pass on to your child. Wishing you the best!!

    I wish. My BIL is military as is my husband, so SIL, BIL, nieces, and MIL live in WA and DH and I live in VA. I've mentioned that we are happy to go see a family therapist/partake in skype sessions so we are all involved. I know they work, I'm working towards my family therapy license myself. MIL told me all therapists are quacks and therapy is for people who need help working on themselves and righting their wrongs, she claims she doesn't need this and she and God know better than any therapist. She's literally delusional so is my SIL. When DH called his dad to let him know we were expecting his dad responded with "well, I guess this means your B*tch isn't going anywhere anytime soon now doesn't it". They're all just evil, DH is to the point where he says even if reconciliation WAS possible with them, he doesn't want those types of role models around our child/children. I don't know how he wound up the way he did.!
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  • gamommyx3gamommyx3 member
    ncm0328 said:

    Jenly17 said:

    @ncm0328 I'm so sorry that your in laws are behaving this way. Is it beyond the realm of possibility for your husband (or the both of you) to invite them to coffee, lunch or somewhere in public to discuss things? I've done this with my MIL before. It always goes easier in a public place because she can't (or doesn't want) make and ass out of herself. I hope your in laws allow their son to have something to pass on to your child. Wishing you the best!!

    I wish. My BIL is military as is my husband, so SIL, BIL, nieces, and MIL live in WA and DH and I live in VA. I've mentioned that we are happy to go see a family therapist/partake in skype sessions so we are all involved. I know they work, I'm working towards my family therapy license myself. MIL told me all therapists are quacks and therapy is for people who need help working on themselves and righting their wrongs, she claims she doesn't need this and she and God know better than any therapist. She's literally delusional so is my SIL. When DH called his dad to let him know we were expecting his dad responded with "well, I guess this means your B*tch isn't going anywhere anytime soon now doesn't it". They're all just evil, DH is to the point where he says even if reconciliation WAS possible with them, he doesn't want those types of role models around our child/children. I don't know how he wound up the way he did.!
    WOW. Wow. I'm trying to come up with something more articulate but...just wow. They sound like complete assholes. Your husband is right...your kids don't need to know people who act like that. And how the f*ck does his mother expect to be treated as a grandmother when she doesn't even have the smallest amount of common decency towards the child's mother?
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  • wamam027wamam027 member
    @Jenly17 and @Aquinna82 thank you, you're so right. Definitely cannot force a relationship, and better yet, what I've been telling DH, is that you can't teach or force empathy which is required in order for them to acknowledge their wrongs this move forward with us. It just sucks because I see DH hurting and that hurts me. I don't know how someone's family can just be so hateful and have zero concern for anyone's feelings other than their own. We will definitely build our own traditions and DH will be a great daddy. He's got some amazing extended family that his mom failed to turn against us, and we've got my family.
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  • wamam027wamam027 member
    yogahh said:

    So after the blow out before Xmas, I called mom on Xmas day, NYE and checked in once after that to say hi. She has yet to pick up a phone and call me. In over a month. But I don't make an effort, right? She has sent me one sentence emails like "miss you" and "stay safe in the storm". But hasn't tried to call me to talk. So until she does, I'm not.

    Op is the crib for her house? If so, let her keep it. Doesn't mean she has to use it!


    To a certain extent, your mom sounds like a lesser version of my MIL. Never accountable for her wrong doings, always too busy pointing the finger. I really hope that at some point, your mom comes around eventually and can realize that her pride isn't worth losing a relationship with her daughter, son in law, and grandchild. Sounds like you're making more attempts at speaking than most people would. Sorry you're still going through all this with her.
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  • thismakes4thismakes4 member
    @Jenly17 My BIL bought this old rickety antique cradle for my baby to sleep in when we visited. I didn't even acknowledge the thing. BIL is super creepy and we have major issues with him. Plus I live 10+ hours away (thank God). It was beyond weird.
    DS #1 2010
    DS #2 2011
    DS #3 2014
    DS #4 2016
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  • Jenly17Jenly17 member
    @thismakes4 that sounds terrible and very weird. Distance is such a wonderful thing sometimes!
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  • wamam027wamam027 member
    Jenly17 said:

    @thismakes4 that sounds terrible and very weird. Distance is such a wonderful thing sometimes!

    Totally agree, that's just strange!

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  • businessmamabusinessmama member
    @ncm0328 I feel bad for your DH, but neither of you need that poison in your life. Not that you would ever use your child as a bargaining chip, but if they can't even try to make it work while you are pregnant, they do not deserve to have any influence on the child.

    I don't know how your family is, but I have always thought to myself that my family has so much love, any that come from my in laws is just a nice to have, but not a necessity. You have clearly put forth effort, but at this point, it is just about making sure your husband is happy and okay to move forward with (if they choose to come around) or without them.
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  • yogahhyogahh member
    jessiedee13 said:

    My parents. Little backstory, we don't get along at all, never have. They're very much "I am god, you will listen or else" kind of people. I disagree with alot of what they do and say and how they act. They've also treated dh and myself poorly since we got together (they've never treated me great, but thats beside the point right now) so we limit the kids exposure to them.

    Mom called me the other day to ask when my c section was going to be. I told her may 3rd. She asked what time and I said idk, and I won't know until may 2nd at my pre admission testing, but I'd have dh call her when brayden was here because we want our boys to meet him before everyone else. She flipped her shit. Screamed at me, told me she was my mother and if she wanted to be there she had every right to be. I told her absolutely not and if you're going to act like that, I'm going to put you on the list of people not allowed in the room at all. She hung up on me. 2 hours later I get a call from my grandma, who is very upset. After I asked her what was wrong she told me my mom called her and said that I told her we were completely cutting them out of our lives and no one was going to get to see my baby because I just wasn't coming around anymore! OK for real, all I said was don't come to the hospital until I call you!

    Also, calling up a woman who just lost her husband of 55 years after a freak accident and telling her that her granddaughter is going to with hold her new baby from the whole family is a whole different level, even for them! They've lied about things before, but never like this. And if they think doing that is going to gain them access, they're insane.

    I did get my grandma calmed down. I've never ever heard that woman cry in my life and it upset me alot that anyone would do that to anyone, much less a sweet old lady. I assured her we would be at all the family parties as always and bring the boys out to the farm to play, just like we always have in the summers. Nothing is changing except that we're adding another boy to the mix.

    Wow. Wowowowowow.

    cat fail animated GIF

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  • littlebb22littlebb22 member
    @ncm0328  I am so sorry you are dealing with this kind of toxicity and hostility during, what SHOULD be, a really exciting and special time for you and DH.  My family, wonderful as they are, had issues with my DH when we were first married and we had little to do with them for a couple of years.  After time everyone cooled down and we were able to reconcile and start over.  I really hope that something like this can be achieved for you also.  As awful as they sound they are your husband's family and I can say from experience that it is very painful to have your family act this way- even if it is all their own craziness!  Also, just to reiterate what others have already said, those are definitely not the sort of people you want around your LO.  Good luck!
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  • jessiedee13jessiedee13 member
    yogahh said:

    So after the blow out before Xmas, I called mom on Xmas day, NYE and checked in once after that to say hi. She has yet to pick up a phone and call me. In over a month. But I don't make an effort, right? She has sent me one sentence emails like "miss you" and "stay safe in the storm". But hasn't tried to call me to talk. So until she does, I'm not.

    Op is the crib for her house? If so, let her keep it. Doesn't mean she has to use it!

    This makes me sad. I was hoping she would come around :( maybe she still will.
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  • jessiedee13jessiedee13 member
    edited January 2016
    Oh can I also add that my parents told my 2 YEAR OLD SON that mommy and daddy condemned him to hell because we took him to a wedding where there were 2 brides?! For real guys! He's 2! Don't you dare say that shit to my 2 year old! He has no reason not to believe you!
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  • dshannahdshannah member
    @ncm0328 Goodbye and good riddance--you don't need that drama or that toxicity.  The less you think of them the better--your baby will be so much better off for never having known them. Just don't let your (or DH's) desire to reconcile with them allow them into your life at all, not even in conversation when baby's around!

    My DH's dad came from an abusive family, and he never spoke about it, only keeping/building relationships with the members of that family who were kind and decent people and hiding all of the bad stuff.  On the one hand, I don't want to advocate repression.  On the other hand, FIL's silence on that helped create a really drama-free family. DH had an idyllic family life, marred by no toxic drama.  We only found out about FIL's family woes when DH's sister was going through a rough patch and FIL opened up to her about the physical, mental, and emotional abuse in his family.

    My point is: You guys are creating your own family, and not having the Dr. Seuss books and tokens from your life before baby around is not going to even occur to baby as being a loss until he/she is old enough to process it all and not miss it anyway. If you don't mention your husband's parents/family, baby won't even know they're missing from her life.
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  • gamommyx3gamommyx3 member
    jessiedee13 said:

    Oh can I also add that my parents told my 2 YEAR OLD SON that mommy and daddy condemned him to hell because we took him to a wedding where there were 2 brides?! For real guys! He's 2! Don't you dare say that shit to my 2 year old! He has no reason not to believe you!

    WHAT.
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  • jessiedee13jessiedee13 member
    Aquinna82 said:

    jessiedee13 said:

    Oh can I also add that my parents told my 2 YEAR OLD SON that mommy and daddy condemned him to hell because we took him to a wedding where there were 2 brides?! For real guys! He's 2! Don't you dare say that shit to my 2 year old! He has no reason not to believe you!

    WHAT.
    Yeah. Because you know, having contact with gay people (my mom's sister and her wife) condemns you to hell. I disagree. I was in her wedding, of course my kids were there! I'm so glad my MIL heard them say it and removed DS from the situation right away. And I'm also glad she didn't bother me with it right away because I was hosting a party...she knows me and I would have flipped out on them immediately for that. She told my dh my parents scared ds1 so she was going to take the kids to her house. DH told me ds1 said he was ready to go home so his parents were taking the boys to their house. I was like ok that's fine. Once I found out the whole story I was fuming! Still am! Who does that?!
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  • Jenly17Jenly17 member
    edited January 2016
    TheThornBird said:


    jessiedee13 said:

    Oh can I also add that my parents told my 2 YEAR OLD SON that mommy and daddy condemned him to hell because we took him to a wedding where there were 2 brides?! For real guys! He's 2! Don't you dare say that shit to my 2 year old! He has no reason not to believe you!

    Remind them that Jesus himself hung out with all the sinners of the day, and things turned out pretty well for him in the end (minus the whole crucifixion thing). 

    Not a parent or in-law, but my sister has gone bonkers (she and I are both living with our dad temporarily). She's decided anytime I do anything to upset her, she's welcome to take my money behind my back for "payment". To make things worse, she explicitly tells me something is okay (for example, borrowing one of her pillows) and then when I do it, she gets upset and takes her payment. 
    --QBF--
    How does she get your money? I would've hidden my wallet a long time ago.
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  • jessiedee13jessiedee13 member
    @TheThornBird I can "remind" them until I'm blue in the face and it doesn't matter. They are the end all know all of everything to do with heaven, hell, god and church. We attend a different church than they do. So naturally, our church us teaching them wrong and damning us to hell. I've been to that church. Those people are horrible and I will never go back. If that damns me to hell that's fine. They've actually told dh and I that Jesus only associated with sinners because he was the son of God and couldn't end up condemned to hell for it. OK guy, you drink your crazy juice and keep that ridiculousness far away from my kids. Currently, the contact is limited to family parties, birthday parties and religious ceremonies. But if I keep hearing about shit like this, I'm fully prepared to make it less.
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  • gamommyx3gamommyx3 member
    @TheThornBird - is she 12 years old??  And yeah I'd hide my money too.

    @jessiedee13 - I'm still just...wow.  
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  • TheThornBirdTheThornBird member
    @jessiedee13 Ugh, that sucks so much. I think I'd probably tell them I'm very worried for their soul and concerned they might go to hell for associating with a sinner like me that goes to weddings with 2 brides, so perhaps it is best if they stay away. Wouldn't want them going to hell on account of little ol' me. But then again, I can be smartass to stupid people. 

    @Jenly17 I'm way too lazy to go through the trouble of hiding my wallet, but I stopped carrying cash. Even so, I know she'll just find another way to passive-aggressively go after me. Only one more month left, thank God......
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  • JoMunsonJoMunson member
    I am just mortified by the in laws telling little kids even ABOUT hell. Backstory- I'm a Christian, attend church pretty regularly, was a Sunday school teacher, am a public school teacher, and attended a Christian college. I don't believe in hell at all. It comes up sometimes with my students, I tell them hell is like a bad nightmare that isn't true- my interpretation of the Bible is that Jesus got rid of that for us (thanks for doing us a solid bro). Any adult who would tell children that some people are going to hell is just not doing the right thing.
    Maybe it's time to start telling your little guy that some grown ups are just liars.
    I am so thankful to my family right now. My DH and I are THOSE hippy dippy vegan types and plan to raise our son the same way, our families are really supportive so far (we'll see how that goes the first time I snatch a cookie out of my little guys hand because we aren't doing sugar until he's 5).
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  • jessiedee13jessiedee13 member
    edited January 2016
    @TheThornBird if I didn't think they'd torture my poor grandmother with our drama I have an arsenal of things I'd love to say! I actually told them before ds2 was born they were no longer welcome in my house and they ran straight to my grandparents. That is not ok. Leave them out of the drama you started. My grandmother in the past has easily seen through their bs but it seems since grandpa died it's been harder, which I totally understand! But they're just so immature about it and I mean...leave poor grandma out of it!

    Edit Cuz grammar and spelling is hard when ranting.
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  • jessiedee13jessiedee13 member
    @JoMunson I've told both my kids (age 1 and 2) to tell mama, daddy, grandma or grampie immediately if my parents (yes, they call them mama's mom and mama's dad) say anything that even remotely bothers them or makes them uncomfortable. Not just them, but anyone of course. They cling to me or dh when my parents are around. After the hell thing, ds1 is terrified of them. Serves them right.
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  • vinerievinerie member
    Mine isn't bad by any means, but my FIL...smh! He has this way he sends texts. So formal. And I can't help but read it as him being pi$$ed off. 

    Example:
    DH to FIL (over text): I felt the baby move for the first time today!
    FIL to DH: That's nice. 
    DH to FIL: Yeah, it's crazy how fast things are changing
    FIL do DH: Yes. They grow fast now. 
    Me: 38; DH: 41
    DS: Born 5-17-16 

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  • emma+karenemma+karen member
    vinerie said:
    Mine isn't bad by any means, but my FIL...smh! He has this way he sends texts. So formal. And I can't help but read it as him being pi$$ed off. 

    Example:
    DH to FIL (over text): I felt the baby move for the first time today!
    FIL to DH: That's nice. 
    DH to FIL: Yeah, it's crazy how fast things are changing
    FIL do DH: Yes. They grow fast now. 

    This could be an exchange between my wife and FIL!  Or he'd do one better and just send a "thumbs up" emoji.  He and his long-time girlfriend finally got married during a vacation in Florida, and when they sent us a selfie to let us know they looked like they were on their way to a funeral!  I joked to my wife that we should have responded by sending them a pic of that "American Gothic" painting (the old farmer couple with the pitchforks).  And yes, I always read his awkward formality as not liking me.  Formal and awkward is the worst!

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  • vinerievinerie member
    @emma+karen FIL NEVER smiles in pics. He kind of has this grimace. But I know when I'm there he's not pissed off, so I guess that's just his way. I am REALLY trying to work on remembering that that is just his way. But it's also REALLY hard to build a relationship with someone who doesn't exude any intimacy. 
    Me: 38; DH: 41
    DS: Born 5-17-16 

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  • jessiedee13jessiedee13 member
    @bshurdy I wouldn't feel one bit bad for not attending a shower of any kind. 3rd baby, 1st baby, wedding whatever. It sounds like you do have legit reasons not to go, and as you said, it is her 3rd baby...I'm on my 3rd too and if I was having a shower I'd lose my mind...we literally need nothing...except a new car seat since ours is pos at this point. Guilt trips are the worst though, right?
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  • Bluejay3030Bluejay3030 member
    vinerie said:

    @emma+karen FIL NEVER smiles in pics. He kind of has this grimace. But I know when I'm there he's not pissed off, so I guess that's just his way. I am REALLY trying to work on remembering that that is just his way. But it's also REALLY hard to build a relationship with someone who doesn't exude any intimacy. 

    @vinerie Your FIL sounds so much like mine. He never shows any emotion and has zero relationship-building skills. I've learned to embrace it, but it does make me sad that he can't bond with his grandkids.
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