It's Easter. So in the spirit of resurrection I'm bringing up an old thread.
I need to find a way to ask my MIL to stop narrating our interactions for LO. It's annoying! Most of the time when I see her she greets me, says hi and then says Hi Elizabeth (the unborn lol). NBD. But she also has this newer habit of narrating life to Elizabeth. At first it was a little odd but tolerable. She'd say things like, "Elizabeth it's Good Friday and all your dads family has gotten together to go see a play your mom's family has invited us to." This weekend she started narrating even more though, "Elizabeth your moms decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator." "Elizabeth your mom is having salad for dinner." WOMAN WILL YOU SHUT UP! In those moments I feel 100% judged and invisible at the exact same time.
My MIL is such a case of "bless her heart." She tries. Seriously. This is her trying to be social and nice but she's also incredibly awkward. She tells stories about being fat and without friends growing up. Never going to prom or other dances and sporting events and this is why. She doesn't know how to connect with people. And I end up feeling like a bitch because I lose patience.
omg. This thread had me laughing. I don't mean that in a mean way, but it's just a perfect example of how ILs do these little things that are so ridiculously annoying. I probably would let this one go (i.e. 'pick your battles') but if you are feeling very judged, than I suppose you could confront her about it. But I get it. FIL has started texting my husband saying things like "Hello. I hope all is well with you and your family." And for some reason this is odd to me. HIs "family" right now is just me. But FIL has never been able to say my name. Why can't he say "I hope all is well with you and [my name]." He's just so awkward and I'm trying to just smile and smh at these little things.
It's Easter. So in the spirit of resurrection I'm bringing up an old thread.
I need to find a way to ask my MIL to stop narrating our interactions for LO. It's annoying! Most of the time when I see her she greets me, says hi and then says Hi Elizabeth (the unborn lol). NBD. But she also has this newer habit of narrating life to Elizabeth. At first it was a little odd but tolerable. She'd say things like, "Elizabeth it's Good Friday and all your dads family has gotten together to go see a play your mom's family has invited us to." This weekend she started narrating even more though, "Elizabeth your moms decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator." "Elizabeth your mom is having salad for dinner." WOMAN WILL YOU SHUT UP! In those moments I feel 100% judged and invisible at the exact same time.
My MIL is such a case of "bless her heart." She tries. Seriously. This is her trying to be social and nice but she's also incredibly awkward. She tells stories about being fat and without friends growing up. Never going to prom or other dances and sporting events and this is why. She doesn't know how to connect with people. And I end up feeling like a bitch because I lose patience.
Ugh yeah I think this is one where I'd have to grin and bear it. Telling her to stop this super annoying but innocuous behavior seems aggressive and will definitely hurt her feelings. The alternative could be mentioning it to your husband ("this seems silly but really bothers me but I would hate to hurt your mom's feelings... Do you think you could say something next time she does it?").
Oh I bet the problematic in laws and parents of origin are really ramping up as the due dates are getting close.
Ladies SHUT IT DOWN now. I speak from experience, it gets worse, so much worse if left unaddressed and they really are "allowed" to stomp all over your boundaries and tell you what and how to do things - all completely unsolicited of course. And the pushiness, bullying behavior, entitlements to your child, baby snatching, constant negative comments, unhelpful behavior, etc. will creep into your PP time. Time that you will never get back. And you will need that time as stress free as possible for the benefit of your baby's health and so you can bond and enjoy your baby and put baby's needs first.
Suggested reading material (read before baby comes, as after you will be dealing with way too much lack of sleep to find time to really read and digest the material):
Toxic-In Laws by Susan Forward.
Here is a forum that has been very eye opening to me on my rights as a person, as a parent, and what I do and don't have to "put up with" when it comes to my child. This combined with the book has given me strategies for the various relationships with new boundaries in place.
I would never actually say anything or get mad at her. She means well. I just need to improve on my fake smile after she narrates a meal. My MIL is actually very kind just socially clueless. Sometimes she stares at my SIL and says "your hair's just so shiny." It was sweet the first 2 years and 100x but now it's strange. Monica and I are working together on our fake awkward smiles.
I would never actually say anything or get mad at her. She means well. I just need to improve on my fake smile after she narrates a meal. My MIL is actually very kind just socially clueless. Sometimes she stares at my SIL and says "your hair's just so shiny." It was sweet the first 2 years and 100x but now it's strange. Monica and I are working together on our fake awkward smiles.
I can give you some pointers on fake smiles for the mil After dh caught me rolling my eyes once I had to pick up the smiling really fast!
My grandparent-IL were really laying it on thick yesterday. They have very generously offered to buy us a stroller but now are complaining that when we return to Mexico they won't even get to use it to take the baby out for walks. Grandma-IL seriously asked me why don't I just stay in Germany with the baby while DH returns to Mexico to deal with our business. Why would I even want to go back? Well gee, maybe because our whole life is there? Business, dog, friends, assets, great weather...just to name a few reasons. Sorry but just because we have a baby doesn't mean our life is going to suddenly start revolving around the great grandparents!
I would never actually say anything or get mad at her. She means well. I just need to improve on my fake smile after she narrates a meal. My MIL is actually very kind just socially clueless. Sometimes she stares at my SIL and says "your hair's just so shiny." It was sweet the first 2 years and 100x but now it's strange. Monica and I are working together on our fake awkward smiles.
I deal with this with my FIL too. He's super awkward, and doesn't often acknowledge me. Sometimes I just feel like the incubator that provides him with grandchildren. When he does try to include me, it's in super awkward ways. I've started to finally accept that I really just need to grin and bear it most of the time.
DH's family is really big on doing vacations with the entire family. MIL told me this weekend they are planning a trip to Gatlinburg, TN during Thanksgiving break (the Fri-Wed before Thanksgiving) because her parents have been dying to go to the mountains with the whole family for years. Just to get an idea, the whole family includes the grandparents, their 3 children + spouses, 6 grandchildren + 4 spouses, and by the time my LO is born, there will be 10 great-grandchildren.
As soon as MIL mentioned it, I said we wouldn't be able to go because I will have no vacation time after my maternity leave (DH would be off work because he is a teacher). With family things like this, if one person can't make it, it is The End of the World to MIL. She kept saying over and over how she hopes we could "try to make it," and I kept telling her, "I will not have vacation time." Period. There's nothing I can do to change it. I will have sick days, but those can't be used for vacation time (not that I would want to do that anyway). So then she says, "Well, maybe if y'all could just make it up there for the weekend, since we want to try to have Thanksgiving dinner then." Oh, okay, let's say DH and I can manage to somehow get off work a little early on that Friday, make an 8 hour drive with a 5-6 month old, then turn around and go back on Sunday. Um, no.
What's frustrating is that, if we don't go on this trip, we will be guilt-tripped to no end. Or, they will rearrange the trip to a time that it would be easier for us to go, so we'll feel obligated to be there. Really, I love DH's grandparents, and I can understand why this time with the whole family is important to them, but can't they pick somewhere that's not 8 hours away? And my introverted self shudders at the thought of spending several days in a cabin with 25 other people (I should mention that the oldest of the 10 great-grands is 4, so yeah, 10 kids 4 and under).
Married: May 2012 DS1: May 2016 DS2: Jan 2019 Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
Didn't think id have another one so soon but I just got four emails from my stepmom. Most of them asking me questions I answered in my last email to her. Also thanking DH for taking a video of the last US and she says that she and my dad decided the baby has my dad's nose, moms eyes and her shoe size. But the weirdest one was the last when she refered to LO as "little Kathleen" (my stepmom's name) even though she knows we are naming her after my mom.
Didn't think id have another one so soon but I just got four emails from my stepmom. Most of them asking me questions I answered in my last email to her. Also thanking DH for taking a video of the last US and she says that she and my dad decided the baby has my dad's nose, moms eyes and her shoe size. But the weirdest one was the last when she refered to LO as "little Kathleen" (my stepmom's name) even though she knows we are naming her after my mom.
This would enrage me, I'm so sorry! I don't know if you guys have that kind of relationship but anyone even jokingly saying that to me would make me upset. One of my dad's ex-girlfriends would constantly hide pictures of me and my mom at my dad's house.
I have posted a little on the drama with DH's family (I think). We haven't really been in contact with them since we married almost two years ago. It is sad and not an easy decision, especially for DH, but he is confident it is the right one for him and for us, as a family. We last heard from him mom almost a year ago when his grandma (mom's mom) passed away. After traveling to see his grandma before she passed, his mom was there and continued to badger us with insulting emails and texts for about a month after we visited his grandparents and she was there (she has always made things about her, is very controlling and has told DH he messed up his life and I'm terrible). We hadn't heard from his parents since last spring (at our request)...until yesterday.
I guess Easter brought out the desire in them to want to see him. I don't blame his parents for that. DH's sister (DH and his sister are their only two children) moved away to Boston and now that she isn't local, they only have him here. They are not on speaking terms with any other extended family members so the holidays are now spent alone. I know the parents are not on good terms with his sister too because they insulted and berated her for moving, among other things. DH's sister isn't even telling them where she is living in Boston so they can't badger her with boxes, letters, or showing up unannounced. Anyways, yesterday the doorbell rang and DH answered it. His dad was there. They decided to stop by unannounced. After asking if DH wanted to see his mom and DH saying not really, his dad went on to say how he was never there for either of them, that he treated his mom like poop (used a different word than that) and that is what I have to look forward to; DH treating me like poop. Then his dad walked away.
Thankfully he didn't see me and DH made the decision to not share with them that I'm pregnant. It breaks my heart that things are this way. I really think they are sad, hurt, and disappointed but they way they react is in anger and being just plain mean. We are moving soon and they won't have our new address. I'm just hoping they can reach out in a more civil manner to mend the bridges.
Had my requisite monthly phone call with my mom yesterday. I really thought that with the pregnancy we would have something to talk about, and something positive at that! Still nope. Same passive-aggressive bullshit. Sampling of conversation:
"I guess I'm just really strong because I never had any labor medications with any of you." [after asking about how many people were at my shower] "You must have gotten a lot of things. I didn't have anything when you were born." "Someone I work with just announced he's having a baby. He's not married and one month sober."
Why can't she just want to know about the nursery in graphic detail?
@bshurdy If it makes you feel any better, Gatlinburg SUX imo. Smokies are great but, seriously, Gatlinburg is awful.
OMG I was just going to post to say this! And, it won't take you 8 hours to get there, more like 12. Because oh my goodness the traffic!!! I've never not gotten stuck in traffic in that area.
Convince the family to go *anywhere else* and they will thank you for it! Unless they are really into "Revelation Dinner Theatre."
@bshurdy If it makes you feel any better, Gatlinburg SUX imo. Smokies are great but, seriously, Gatlinburg is awful.
OMG I was just going to post to say this! And, it won't take you 8 hours to get there, more like 12. Because oh my goodness the traffic!!! I've never not gotten stuck in traffic in that area.
Convince the family to go *anywhere else* and they will thank you for it! Unless they are really into "Revelation Dinner Theatre."
Ha, I've actually been to Gatlinburg several times, and I don't think it's somewhere I want to be cooped up with DH's family, because there's not a lot of activities that will appeal to the whole family.. so we would basically sit in the cabin the whole time.
Married: May 2012 DS1: May 2016 DS2: Jan 2019 Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
I have posted a little on the drama with DH's family (I think). We haven't really been in contact with them since we married almost two years ago. It is sad and not an easy decision, especially for DH, but he is confident it is the right one for him and for us, as a family. We last heard from him mom almost a year ago when his grandma (mom's mom) passed away. After traveling to see his grandma before she passed, his mom was there and continued to badger us with insulting emails and texts for about a month after we visited his grandparents and she was there (she has always made things about her, is very controlling and has told DH he messed up his life and I'm terrible). We hadn't heard from his parents since last spring (at our request)...until yesterday.
I guess Easter brought out the desire in them to want to see him. I don't blame his parents for that. DH's sister (DH and his sister are their only two children) moved away to Boston and now that she isn't local, they only have him here. They are not on speaking terms with any other extended family members so the holidays are now spent alone. I know the parents are not on good terms with his sister too because they insulted and berated her for moving, among other things. DH's sister isn't even telling them where she is living in Boston so they can't badger her with boxes, letters, or showing up unannounced. Anyways, yesterday the doorbell rang and DH answered it. His dad was there. They decided to stop by unannounced. After asking if DH wanted to see his mom and DH saying not really, his dad went on to say how he was never there for either of them, that he treated his mom like poop (used a different word than that) and that is what I have to look forward to; DH treating me like poop. Then his dad walked away.
Thankfully he didn't see me and DH made the decision to not share with them that I'm pregnant. It breaks my heart that things are this way. I really think they are sad, hurt, and disappointed but they way they react is in anger and being just plain mean. We are moving soon and they won't have our new address. I'm just hoping they can reach out in a more civil manner to mend the bridges.
I think it's really nice of you to try and analyze their behavior and try to see that they are coming from a place of sadness and hurt. That being said, they honestly sound like they're just plain mean. Sometimes people just play the role of victim and that's all there is to it. Sorry you're going through that...hopefully your side of the family treats your DH well so that he can compensate a little for their treatment of him.
I have posted a little on the drama with DH's family (I think). We haven't really been in contact with them since we married almost two years ago. It is sad and not an easy decision, especially for DH, but he is confident it is the right one for him and for us, as a family. We last heard from him mom almost a year ago when his grandma (mom's mom) passed away. After traveling to see his grandma before she passed, his mom was there and continued to badger us with insulting emails and texts for about a month after we visited his grandparents and she was there (she has always made things about her, is very controlling and has told DH he messed up his life and I'm terrible). We hadn't heard from his parents since last spring (at our request)...until yesterday.
I guess Easter brought out the desire in them to want to see him. I don't blame his parents for that. DH's sister (DH and his sister are their only two children) moved away to Boston and now that she isn't local, they only have him here. They are not on speaking terms with any other extended family members so the holidays are now spent alone. I know the parents are not on good terms with his sister too because they insulted and berated her for moving, among other things. DH's sister isn't even telling them where she is living in Boston so they can't badger her with boxes, letters, or showing up unannounced. Anyways, yesterday the doorbell rang and DH answered it. His dad was there. They decided to stop by unannounced. After asking if DH wanted to see his mom and DH saying not really, his dad went on to say how he was never there for either of them, that he treated his mom like poop (used a different word than that) and that is what I have to look forward to; DH treating me like poop. Then his dad walked away.
Thankfully he didn't see me and DH made the decision to not share with them that I'm pregnant. It breaks my heart that things are this way. I really think they are sad, hurt, and disappointed but they way they react is in anger and being just plain mean. We are moving soon and they won't have our new address. I'm just hoping they can reach out in a more civil manner to mend the bridges.
I think it's really nice of you to try and analyze their behavior and try to see that they are coming from a place of sadness and hurt. That being said, they honestly sound like they're just plain mean. Sometimes people just play the role of victim and that's all there is to it. Sorry you're going through that...hopefully your side of the family treats your DH well so that he can compensate a little for their treatment of him.
What she said. But also--at some point they will have to realize that they are the common denominator. If all their friends and family have abandoned them, at some point it will sink in that it's something *they* are doing wrong. Or not.
But I so admire you and your husband for drawing a firm line and not giving them the "lifeline" they need to begin manipulating you. It's so hard to do! And to do so while still being as charitable as you are is even harder.
@Aquinna82 and @dshannah, thanks for the kind words. I'm hoping they realize it is not everyone else, it's them. I just hope it is not too late before they realize it. They are missing out on their children's lives and now, their soon-to-be grandchild's life. DH went through years of wrestling whether to have them involved in his life or not and trying to have a relationship with them and it mostly happened while we were dating and got engaged. I do think believe they are hurting but there is probably more to it than that. I've wondered if there is some kind of mental disorder with his mom. Over the years, I've learned more about her past and with some of the things that have happened to her, some of the choices she made, it seems like they made her into the bitter, manipulative, arrogant victim she is and has been since DH was a child. For DH and his sister, they have dealt with manipulation and control mostly from their mom since they were children. I go back and forth about what is really going on with that woman and I never can figure it out. Since it dates back so long ago, I think at this point, there are a lot of different factors that play into why she does what she does and says the things she says. From what I've heard, DH's dad tried to stand up to her more earlier in their marriage but he was also insulted and berated into submission. He stands by his wife and while I really think it's an unhealthy relationship and she's verbally and emotionally abusive, I can see why he does that. I can honestly say our lives are much easier and so much less stressful without them in it. And thankfully my family has been very welcoming of both him and his sister. We have our drama and arguments but we work through them. That was quite the culture shock for DH when we were dating and he was around my family.
My MIL asked us to easter. We agreed to make the drive, and she was shocked since she knew we wanted to stick close to home as the due date gets closer. We get to brunch, and every time my husband would try and talk to his own mother, she'd pick up her phone to text someone or start talking to someone else at the table. (She was sitting next to him, there was no way she didn't know he was speaking to her.) She did it three times. After the third time, my husband put his head down, and ate and waited til it was time to go. He was first out the door to leave. I found it extremely rude. He is too nice to tell her to knock it the eff off. I get to hear the pain in his voice asking me what to do the first hour driving back home. And my husband's grandma, soon to be great grandma, isn't coming to the baby shower. Both future great gma and great gpa (who are first time great grandparents, and only have 2 grandchildren) were at easter. Do you think they had anything to say to us, like "sorry we can't make it", "we're excited", "we can't wait to meet the baby", or a simple "congratulations"? Of course not! We barely even got a hello out of them. Remind me why on earth we drove over 2 hours for that? We could have done something with my family, or better yet, stayed home. I have a strained relationship with the grandparents. They don't like me. (Huge back story, but the short version is it stems from MIL forcing a plate of food on me to take to my dad while he was working one holiday at grandma's house without her blessing, and accused me of taking leftovers without asking) They almost didn't come to our wedding, but decided that we could make amends. I, reluctantly did what they asked of me to bury the hatchet (apologize for taking food that wasn't mine to take, even though MIL forced it on me), and they still ignore me, and treat my husband so poorly. He is your only grandson for goodness sake! They can hate on me all they want, and they can be as rude as they want to me. It just gets me going to see them treat their grandson like this, and see how hurt he is by their behavior. He is clearly bothered that his grandma is skipping out on the shower. Honestly, she is a awful mean lady, and I am ok my family doesn't have to put up with her. Unlike his family, someone in my family would call her out on her crappy behavior. (Kinda nitpicky here, but they never even bothered to meet my parents (who paid for everything) at our wedding, and Grandpa had the balls to ask if my brother was my father in our wedding pics because he thought my parents were my grandparents. I just found it appalling coming from their judgemental high horse, and the reason why they don't like me.) It saddens me to see how embarrassed my husband is of his families' behavior. I tell him that he needs to speak up when they are being rude. My only problem is how devistated he is after every family get together. I get to go home with a sad, embarrassed husband, and they go home blissfully unaware. Ugh...
DH called his parents yesterday to let them know babies and I were in the hospital (hopefully I'll stop dilating and go home on bedrest here in a few hours). His dad responded by complaining about the cable guy. DH told him there was nothing to be alarmed about yet (not that FIL was alarmed anything but the foisted inconvenience of Time Warner), so please respect our privacy and not share anything with anyone else yet.
This request falls on deaf ears and FIL emails all DH's 4 brothers with vague and scary information. DH has to spend the rest of the night fielding phone calls from his brothers who are angry he didn't call himself and want to know everything about what's going - including repeating their right to know what the babies' names will be (we only decided yesterday because for a while it was looking like they might deliver).
Icing on the cake, when his oldest brother, who we'll call "Asshole" because he's an asshole (I've complained about him on this thread before) complains about how sick he is feeling (I'm in the hospital, you twat) and reminds DH that before too long he's going to get no sleep, be changing diapers, getting thrown up on, etc. NOT what someone needs to hear when his pregnant wife is in the hospital teetering on preterm labor. I finally lost it and told DH that he needs to just stop taking their calls unless they're going to be nothing but 100% supportive.
It makes me so glad we have a "family deals with family" rule (I handle mine; he handles his) and both of ours are 12+ hours away. I could not handle any of them - my side included - being here while we deal with this.
I wasn't....... But I'm gonna. As short and sweet as possible. My MIL yesterday decided to drop the bombshell that she will be here on the 10th May, when I told her 1 that my mum was coming for the birth (which I have told everybody my dud date is 11th when it's actually the 8th, not deliberate as that's what I thought it was but midwife had since told me it's the 8th). And 2 she has invited herself..... Nice huh. I asked my mum to come when I'm due, but she is due to fly out on holiday on the 19th. I begged her to come and just stay for one week In the hope LO would make an appearance in that time, and I also said that if she came there would be no room for any one else to make an appearance. Well she tried to make up excuse after excuse and then promised she would try to get here however by her first refusal I was already resigned to her not coming( not unusual behaviour but still gets to me). As I'm her ONLY daughter u would have thought she would try and be here for me when I need her..... Ho hum. And now I have this pressure that I'm gonna have to cope with MIL coming (when really not wanted here). As I don't really like my private space invaded, especially after having a baby, I want time to get to know my LO and all of us as a family to get accustomed to the new arrival before any outside interference. And it's not like my mum coming, my mum would help and the kids love her. But with MIL she feels like a spare part, the kids would act up, and I'd end up having to accommodate her, which I do not want to do. I've told my DH that I'm gonna need some space after the birth, and that I told my mum not to come which is also true because my convo with her yesterday was the last straw. She said that she would buy the baby a prezzie and come and see us after her holiday, but then I told her I would've had the LO before she goes, so she said she would come then??????????? wtf I then said that she made up so many excuses not to come??????? But she said that my friend would be coming ( who lives 4 hours away,with her 4 small children) wen my mum my flesh and blood only lives 1 hr1/2 away. My friend would have to fork out for hotel bill, fuel etc..... I don't want anyone here now, I know my MIL will come and be trying to take the baby off me all the time, but I exclusively breastfeed,so I like to be the one with maximum contact. Wen she came after my last daughter was born which was nearly 2years ago( she was born in May) she didn't bother coming until she was at least 4months. And then every time she cried, she ran like an Olympic sprinter to pick her up, even at times just coming into mine and DHs bedroom where my daughter was sleeping. Literally just let herself in while me and DH were in bed.....!!!!!! To come and relieve me of my own child. I'm getting mad just thinking of it. Lol this was supposed to be short and sweet however I don't really feel too sweet now..... Think I might have slight Bp. I just hope I have my lil one on the 8th or around then do no one gets to come ;-)
Didn't think id have another one so soon but I just got four emails from my stepmom. Most of them asking me questions I answered in my last email to her. Also thanking DH for taking a video of the last US and she says that she and my dad decided the baby has my dad's nose, moms eyes and her shoe size. But the weirdest one was the last when she refered to LO as "little Kathleen" (my stepmom's name) even though she knows we are naming her after my mom.
That is BS. She will refer to the baby with the correct name or she can call the baby the baby she never sees. Tell her this and let her choose what she wants to call the baby. Her options are the correct name or not seeing the baby if she wants to be a jerk.
I wasn't....... But I'm gonna. As short and sweet as possible. My MIL yesterday decided to drop the bombshell that she will be here on the 10th May, when I told her 1 that my mum was coming for the birth (which I have told everybody my dud date is 11th when it's actually the 8th, not deliberate as that's what I thought it was but midwife had since told me it's the 8th). And 2 she has invited herself..... Nice huh. I asked my mum to come when I'm due, but she is due to fly out on holiday on the 19th. I begged her to come and just stay for one week In the hope LO would make an appearance in that time, and I also said that if she came there would be no room for any one else to make an appearance. Well she tried to make up excuse after excuse and then promised she would try to get here however by her first refusal I was already resigned to her not coming( not unusual behaviour but still gets to me). As I'm her ONLY daughter u would have thought she would try and be here for me when I need her..... Ho hum. And now I have this pressure that I'm gonna have to cope with MIL coming (when really not wanted here). As I don't really like my private space invaded, especially after having a baby, I want time to get to know my LO and all of us as a family to get accustomed to the new arrival before any outside interference. And it's not like my mum coming, my mum would help and the kids love her. But with MIL she feels like a spare part, the kids would act up, and I'd end up having to accommodate her, which I do not want to do. I've told my DH that I'm gonna need some space after the birth, and that I told my mum not to come which is also true because my convo with her yesterday was the last straw. She said that she would buy the baby a prezzie and come and see us after her holiday, but then I told her I would've had the LO before she goes, so she said she would come then??????????? wtf I then said that she made up so many excuses not to come??????? But she said that my friend would be coming ( who lives 4 hours away,with her 4 small children) wen my mum my flesh and blood only lives 1 hr1/2 away. My friend would have to fork out for hotel bill, fuel etc..... I don't want anyone here now, I know my MIL will come and be trying to take the baby off me all the time, but I exclusively breastfeed,so I like to be the one with maximum contact. Wen she came after my last daughter was born which was nearly 2years ago( she was born in May) she didn't bother coming until she was at least 4months. And then every time she cried, she ran like an Olympic sprinter to pick her up, even at times just coming into mine and DHs bedroom where my daughter was sleeping. Literally just let herself in while me and DH were in bed.....!!!!!! To come and relieve me of my own child. I'm getting mad just thinking of it. Lol this was supposed to be short and sweet however I don't really feel too sweet now..... Think I might have slight Bp. I just hope I have my lil one on the 8th or around then do no one gets to come ;-)
If she is causing this much stress tell your husband to handle her. Handling her means she is not to come until invited and if she does what she wants anyway with your baby, your family, and your house she will be asked to leave and/or the door will not be answered at home.
Do not let someone else bully themselves to the birth at the hospital and then into your own home to monopolize your own baby. Babies needs come first over adult feelings.
It it is hard but you will never get this time back with your baby. Don't let someone ruin it when you have clear advance warning that is exactly what MIL is wanting to do.
Problem is, I have to tread VERY carefully. As my DH and MIL have this very strange love/hate relationship. If I seem like I'm showing any form of resentment or what I truly feel if my MIL he takes it very personally and goes off on one that I hate his mum..... Then she gains an upper hand because he will then in turn run back to her to her pleasure to chat about me. I literally have to play a game of wits to keep DH in a safe place where he thinks I'm just being fussy over the intrusion of anyone, but me and MIL know exactly how we feel about one another, I could feel her practically smiling down the fone when she said she would be here on the 10th. I was gritting my teeth and casually changed the subject. I just pray that I can handle this tactfully and not make the arrival of my little one into something where I'm left feeling like a monster, and SIL's will love nothing better than an excuse to gang up on me for a millionth time.
@bigmomma14. How long have you made been married because we are going on a year and have a similar issue with my husband and MIL. It's drives me crazy. Don't claim that I hate your mom because she's doing something crazy and I point it out or don't grin and bear it. I've told him, because we argued for a week straight with her as a trigger, that he needs to stand with me or we aren't going to last. She definitely isn't going to horn in on the raising of this child. I'm not one to walk on eggshells at all but I'm sure as heck not going to do it everyday for the remainder of her life. My MIL has not mentioned the birth, she actually hasn't spoken to me in a month, but I know I've made it clear who I want in the room and that only my mom is going to come stay with us. His mom is 45min away, she can sleep at home. I'll be the one at home with baby while he is working, so his desires in this are moot.
I got off the phone with my mother a few hours ago and I am still hot-headed over it. I called her at home (since her cell phone is NEVER on) at a time I figured I might catch her inside to tell her about my last 24 hours in the hospital. Because I feel like every parent has a right to know his or her child is in the hospital, no matter how routine or precautionary.
We've never had the best of relationships, she was not my custodial parent growing up, doesn't really get the "mom" thing, and she lives 17 hours away. I tell her I'm now on bedrest for the rest of my pregnancy. Her response is "Well, I am praying for you. I wish there was more I could do."
Not to turn this into a religious thing, but there are SO many things she could do to lift a finger somewhere else besides the sky.
Have food delivered to me. I can't exactly cook elaborate meals for myself right now. My team at work sent me cookies yesterday. She could bake cookies and send them to me for less than $5.
Send me flowers. Yeah, they'll die in 2 days, but for two days while I am feeling useless in bed surrounded by things I can't do, I'll have something pretty to look at.
Hire someone for a few hours to come help my husband who is doing all our housework, and working, and getting things ready for babies.
I feel like she is being unusually dismissive, even for her, and trying to absolve herself of any guilt or feeling of responsibility, and it really hurts. Every time I talk to her on the phone (once a month requisite, more often when necessary for things like this), she feels the need to bring up money and how she can't help more with baby gear, etc. I don't need your money. I need a little GD support. I need you to be my mom right now. Damn hormones - now I am crying again.
Oh, and I promise this will be my last "omg bed rest sucks so bad" post for the day; I just suddenly find myself with dramatically increased screen time...
Soontobejones33, we have been together for almost 7 years this month and married 6 in June. I'm almost like a Ping pong ball. It drives me mad that I just can't keep it real.... But I am starting to understand that my DH is a mummies boy, although he complains about her LOADS, as soon as there is an issue with us he is straight on the phone to her. She always states that she advises him and is in my favour..... Lol I'm a woman and I know this is not true. I have my home in order and if I say I don't want her to come, she won't, but then I would be the baddy and all he'll would break loose. My DH is one to hold grudges FOREVER, and my SILs love drama. So it will all be blown out if proportion. When I was pregnant with my last daughter she came to the surgery with me for my midwife appt. This was the first real mother in law, daughter moment and i really wanted to involve her in at least one of her grandchildren. So my name was called to go in, I turned to her and said 'I'm going in now, are you coming"? She looked up at me and said "what for". DAMN!!!!!! So I knew we weren't never gonna bond,.....lol i will use religion, and I believe that if I hold it down and be patient GOD will see me through. i have no sisters or family around me for support, if I go into labour DH is at work I will be getting an ambulance, then he will have to come home for our other children. And that's what stings about my real mum. She knows my situation and I thought she would jump at the chance. But she has a new fiancée.... Even though they don't live together and his grown up children live at home with him. What really sucks is that I've been supa Ill with flu for like 3 days and feh hasn't bothered to call me once to see how I am.#end of rant.
Yesterday we hung out with my IL's after work. My MIL continued narrating our every move for LO just as I've shared in this thread before. It's annoying but, I did my absolute best to grin and bear it. She also felt on my belly a couple times and commented on how much I've grown. Again, I smiled my way through it all. As we were leaving dinner and saying our goodbyes she turned to me and said, "You're a saint. When I was pregnant with my two I would've tore someone a new one if they felt on or talked to my belly. I especially would've been mad if they commented on my size." WAIT?!?!?! What??? So she's known she was being rude all this time?? Was she giving me permission to yell at her about it now? I try but I just don't get this woman.
Yesterday we hung out with my IL's after work. My MIL continued narrating our every move for LO just as I've shared in this thread before. It's annoying but, I did my absolute best to grin and bear it. She also felt on my belly a couple times and commented on how much I've grown. Again, I smiled my way through it all. As we were leaving dinner and saying our goodbyes she turned to me and said, "You're a saint. When I was pregnant with my two I would've tore someone a new one if they felt on or talked to my belly. I especially would've been mad if they commented on my size." WAIT?!?!?! What??? So she's known she was being rude all this time?? Was she giving me permission to yell at her about it now? I try but I just don't get this woman.
I don't any of us will ever "get" our ILs! Kudos to you for being sweet...
Yesterday we hung out with my IL's after work. My MIL continued narrating our every move for LO just as I've shared in this thread before. It's annoying but, I did my absolute best to grin and bear it. She also felt on my belly a couple times and commented on how much I've grown. Again, I smiled my way through it all. As we were leaving dinner and saying our goodbyes she turned to me and said, "You're a saint. When I was pregnant with my two I would've tore someone a new one if they felt on or talked to my belly. I especially would've been mad if they commented on my size." WAIT?!?!?! What??? So she's known she was being rude all this time?? Was she giving me permission to yell at her about it now? I try but I just don't get this woman.
So she does know common manners and social norms. That was your chance to shut her down so the comments don't move on to your actual baby and parenting decisions.
Mine is also very rude, I had always given the benefit of the doubt and thought she meant well but was just mean "accidentally". She was "just excited" and "wanted to be involved" when she was inserting herself into all our parenting decisions (all unsolicited) and telling us how we should do things in our own home, and attempting to get very involved in other very personal decisions right?
I could be the "bigger" person right? Even when I was decades younger. Until she put LO in the position to have to "be the bigger person"...
It took her saying really mean/rude/inappropriate things directly to my toddler for something to finally click in my head. I remembered over the years her interactions with others. That she doesn't do this to other people, she does know how to be nice to others - she just did it to us and now she was starting in on LO. I guess she thought since she did it with us, why not our child?
That was the last straw and when we finally started to shut that stuff down, every single time. Hope you can stop it before it goes on that long. It has caused a lot of damage that wouldn't have been caused had it been addressed in the beginning.
My in laws weren't particularly helpful last time, including one baby hog, so this time we have asked them to give us a few weeks before visiting. I sent them dates in June that work for us and they responded they're waiting until August or September. DH could care less, but I'm a little annoyed that DS2 isn't getting a ton of excitement. I feel like I don't have the right to be annoyed when I've set pretty strict parameters, but asking for a few weeks is different than asking them to wait potentially up to four months...right? I feel like a hypocrite for being kind of offended when I asked for space. They can't win with me, I guess.
Bringing this back as I need to vent/ update. Some of your might recall my issues with my mom since getting engaged. Our relationship is pretty much killed. Two steps forward. Three steps back.
The issues all stem from her and dh's relationship which is beyond repair. He tried to make it better at our wedding and she shot him down and could barely congratulate him after the ceremony. He doesn't like the way she manipulates me, and quite honestly, does not want to be around her. And I can't say I blame him.
Long story short I emailed her asking how she would feel about coming up to meet the baby in June. The condition is she can't stay with us. I figure while he is working she can spend one on one time with baby and me. Because that's what she says she wants.
After a few days she replies that my offer does not "sit well with her", she wants to me more "hands on", then signs off by telling me to "take care". W!T!F!?!?!?!
So instead of taking what we can offer her, she would rather cut off her nose to spite her face? She was here a few years ago and stayed with us and told me afterwards how uncomfortable she was. Does she think it will be better now? And where would she like to sleep? Our guest room has been converted to a nursery.
I guess instead of being part of Harper's life, and mine, she would rather play the role of victim again? Make me out to be the horrible daughter that doesn't want her to be involved? I feel like she likes playing this game, and might feed off the drama. At the end of tre day, because she can't get what she wants, she would rather have nothing. Very mature, right?
Edited to add- at this point, isn't what is more important is MY family? If I asked her to stay with us dh would have lost his shit. Is it right for me to hurt our relationship, 2 weeks after having a baby? Why can't my stubborn ass mom see that?
@yogahh that sounds like too stressful of a situation to be dealing with this late in the game. If it were me, I would tell her I don't have time for petty mind games and that if she isn't interested in taking part in her granddaughters life in a capacity that I'm comfortable with then too bad. One day she will maybe realize what she has lost in this process of acting like a child.
@yogahh, so I'm not the only one being cast as the villain by their own mother? My csection is at 8:30 AM tomorrow and yesterday my mother decided that she's not coming to the hospital because she wasn't "appropriately welcomed." She's also decided to refuse to bring my 80 year old grandparents (her parents) who no longer drive significant distances. So DH is going to have to take me to get checked in, leave to get my grandparents, and then rush back so he can be in the OR.
Like you said, clearly getting to play the victim means more to her than her first and possibly only grand child. Apparently her behavior is all my fault, but at the end of the day there's things that can't be unsaid and choices that can't be undone.
This sounds a lot like my MIL, with whom we no longer speak. Lots of deep issues that have nothing to do with us, but she would like to make drama and create issues with a variety of family members to be the victim. Then she could turn around and complain to friends or different family members about how terribly her family treats her. With her other actions she seems to fit into a textbook case of narcissistic personality disorder, possibly bi-polar as well. She got mean when we bought our first house and then it became worse when I was pregnant with DS. Eventually she did a couple unforgivable things and while we will be cordial if we see her at family events, she usually skips them because we are so "evil" and it would be "uncomfortable" for her.
And there is way too much to type out here about our backstory, but it should be informative enough to say that we legit were called by a Dr. Phil producer because they wanted her to be on the show after she contacted them. When we refused but said we would go to group counseling she screamed at DH that we must not care about her or want to fix anything. So. It sucks to cut family out but honestly it has removed a great stressor from our lives. It's not my mom so I continue to let DH make the choice regarding contact and he is happier not engaging her in any way. Every now and then she will email asking to reconnect and saying she will forgive us if we apologize. It's nuts but when someone won't get proper help then it's best to let them go.
@yogahh Sorry the drama continues. Focus on you and don't let her passive-aggressive bull crap jeopardize your healthy pregnancy.
My mom called me randomly in the middle of the day yesterday (she's normally an every 3rd Sunday caller) to talk about coming to visit and meet babies. Originally my sister was going to go with her but a new job opportunity changed her schedule.
Now she's taking about bringing her husband who is emotionally and physically abusive. She's left and gone back to him several times due to a combination of Catholic obligation and financial dependence. He keeps threatening to leave her, kill himself, or both.
They live near Lincoln, NE and we are in Austin TX. He won't fly or let anyone else drive if he's in the car. Driving that far is bonkers. I don't want him anywhere near me, my house, or my children. Our call dropped before I had a chance to tell her that, but I think I just need to be direct and/or buy her a plane ticket. She is almost 60 - she can fly by herself!
@yogahh, so I'm not the only one being cast as the villain by their own mother? My csection is at 8:30 AM tomorrow and yesterday my mother decided that she's not coming to the hospital because she wasn't "appropriately welcomed." She's also decided to refuse to bring my 80 year old grandparents (her parents) who no longer drive significant distances. So DH is going to have to take me to get checked in, leave to get my grandparents, and then rush back so he can be in the OR.
Like you said, clearly getting to play the victim means more to her than her first and possibly only grand child. Apparently her behavior is all my fault, but at the end of the day there's things that can't be unsaid and choices that can't be undone.
Good luck today!!!!! Looking forward to your update
@yogahh don't give in or roll over for her. This is a precious and monumental time for yourself, your husband, and baby, and she's trying to strong arm her way in. It is time to make it known your nuclear family is THE priority, and will be protected from outside influences.
Lets be honest, your mother is inconsiderate of others feelings and has been vicious in the past; even if she got her way and stayed with you the odds of her being on her best behavior and not verbally abusing your husband or yourself are slim.
Re: Problematic Parents/In laws 1/25
DS: Born 5-17-16
Ladies SHUT IT DOWN now. I speak from experience, it gets worse, so much worse if left unaddressed and they really are "allowed" to stomp all over your boundaries and tell you what and how to do things - all completely unsolicited of course. And the pushiness, bullying behavior, entitlements to your child, baby snatching, constant negative comments, unhelpful behavior, etc. will creep into your PP time. Time that you will never get back. And you will need that time as stress free as possible for the benefit of your baby's health and so you can bond and enjoy your baby and put baby's needs first.
Suggested reading material (read before baby comes, as after you will be dealing with way too much lack of sleep to find time to really read and digest the material):
Toxic-In Laws by Susan Forward.
Here is a forum that has been very eye opening to me on my rights as a person, as a parent, and what I do and don't have to "put up with" when it comes to my child. This combined with the book has given me strategies for the various relationships with new boundaries in place.
It is called Dealing with the In Laws:
https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation
My MIL is actually very kind just socially clueless. Sometimes she stares at my SIL and says "your hair's just so shiny." It was sweet the first 2 years and 100x but now it's strange. Monica and I are working together on our fake awkward smiles.
DD: 05/14/16
I deal with this with my FIL too. He's super awkward, and doesn't often acknowledge me. Sometimes I just feel like the incubator that provides him with grandchildren. When he does try to include me, it's in super awkward ways. I've started to finally accept that I really just need to grin and bear it most of the time.
As soon as MIL mentioned it, I said we wouldn't be able to go because I will have no vacation time after my maternity leave (DH would be off work because he is a teacher). With family things like this, if one person can't make it, it is The End of the World to MIL. She kept saying over and over how she hopes we could "try to make it," and I kept telling her, "I will not have vacation time." Period. There's nothing I can do to change it. I will have sick days, but those can't be used for vacation time (not that I would want to do that anyway). So then she says, "Well, maybe if y'all could just make it up there for the weekend, since we want to try to have Thanksgiving dinner then." Oh, okay, let's say DH and I can manage to somehow get off work a little early on that Friday, make an 8 hour drive with a 5-6 month old, then turn around and go back on Sunday. Um, no.
What's frustrating is that, if we don't go on this trip, we will be guilt-tripped to no end. Or, they will rearrange the trip to a time that it would be easier for us to go, so we'll feel obligated to be there. Really, I love DH's grandparents, and I can understand why this time with the whole family is important to them, but can't they pick somewhere that's not 8 hours away? And my introverted self shudders at the thought of spending several days in a cabin with 25 other people (I should mention that the oldest of the 10 great-grands is 4, so yeah, 10 kids 4 and under).
DS1: May 2016
DS2: Jan 2019
Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
I guess Easter brought out the desire in them to want to see him. I don't blame his parents for that. DH's sister (DH and his sister are their only two children) moved away to Boston and now that she isn't local, they only have him here. They are not on speaking terms with any other extended family members so the holidays are now spent alone. I know the parents are not on good terms with his sister too because they insulted and berated her for moving, among other things. DH's sister isn't even telling them where she is living in Boston so they can't badger her with boxes, letters, or showing up unannounced. Anyways, yesterday the doorbell rang and DH answered it. His dad was there. They decided to stop by unannounced. After asking if DH wanted to see his mom and DH saying not really, his dad went on to say how he was never there for either of them, that he treated his mom like poop (used a different word than that) and that is what I have to look forward to; DH treating me like poop. Then his dad walked away.
Thankfully he didn't see me and DH made the decision to not share with them that I'm pregnant. It breaks my heart that things are this way. I really think they are sad, hurt, and disappointed but they way they react is in anger and being just plain mean. We are moving soon and they won't have our new address. I'm just hoping they can reach out in a more civil manner to mend the bridges.
"I guess I'm just really strong because I never had any labor medications with any of you."
[after asking about how many people were at my shower] "You must have gotten a lot of things. I didn't have anything when you were born."
"Someone I work with just announced he's having a baby. He's not married and one month sober."
Why can't she just want to know about the nursery in graphic detail?
DS: Born 5-17-16
Convince the family to go *anywhere else* and they will thank you for it! Unless they are really into "Revelation Dinner Theatre."
DS1: May 2016
DS2: Jan 2019
Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
But I so admire you and your husband for drawing a firm line and not giving them the "lifeline" they need to begin manipulating you. It's so hard to do! And to do so while still being as charitable as you are is even harder.
We get to brunch, and every time my husband would try and talk to his own mother, she'd pick up her phone to text someone or start talking to someone else at the table. (She was sitting next to him, there was no way she didn't know he was speaking to her.) She did it three times. After the third time, my husband put his head down, and ate and waited til it was time to go. He was first out the door to leave. I found it extremely rude. He is too nice to tell her to knock it the eff off. I get to hear the pain in his voice asking me what to do the first hour driving back home.
And my husband's grandma, soon to be great grandma, isn't coming to the baby shower. Both future great gma and great gpa (who are first time great grandparents, and only have 2 grandchildren) were at easter. Do you think they had anything to say to us, like "sorry we can't make it", "we're excited", "we can't wait to meet the baby", or a simple "congratulations"? Of course not! We barely even got a hello out of them.
Remind me why on earth we drove over 2 hours for that? We could have done something with my family, or better yet, stayed home.
I have a strained relationship with the grandparents. They don't like me. (Huge back story, but the short version is it stems from MIL forcing a plate of food on me to take to my dad while he was working one holiday at grandma's house without her blessing, and accused me of taking leftovers without asking) They almost didn't come to our wedding, but decided that we could make amends. I, reluctantly did what they asked of me to bury the hatchet (apologize for taking food that wasn't mine to take, even though MIL forced it on me), and they still ignore me, and treat my husband so poorly. He is your only grandson for goodness sake! They can hate on me all they want, and they can be as rude as they want to me. It just gets me going to see them treat their grandson like this, and see how hurt he is by their behavior. He is clearly bothered that his grandma is skipping out on the shower. Honestly, she is a awful mean lady, and I am ok my family doesn't have to put up with her. Unlike his family, someone in my family would call her out on her crappy behavior.
(Kinda nitpicky here, but they never even bothered to meet my parents (who paid for everything) at our wedding, and Grandpa had the balls to ask if my brother was my father in our wedding pics because he thought my parents were my grandparents. I just found it appalling coming from their judgemental high horse, and the reason why they don't like me.)
It saddens me to see how embarrassed my husband is of his families' behavior. I tell him that he needs to speak up when they are being rude. My only problem is how devistated he is after every family get together. I get to go home with a sad, embarrassed husband, and they go home blissfully unaware.
Ugh...
This request falls on deaf ears and FIL emails all DH's 4 brothers with vague and scary information. DH has to spend the rest of the night fielding phone calls from his brothers who are angry he didn't call himself and want to know everything about what's going - including repeating their right to know what the babies' names will be (we only decided yesterday because for a while it was looking like they might deliver).
Icing on the cake, when his oldest brother, who we'll call "Asshole" because he's an asshole (I've complained about him on this thread before) complains about how sick he is feeling (I'm in the hospital, you twat) and reminds DH that before too long he's going to get no sleep, be changing diapers, getting thrown up on, etc. NOT what someone needs to hear when his pregnant wife is in the hospital teetering on preterm labor. I finally lost it and told DH that he needs to just stop taking their calls unless they're going to be nothing but 100% supportive.
It makes me so glad we have a "family deals with family" rule (I handle mine; he handles his) and both of ours are 12+ hours away. I could not handle any of them - my side included - being here while we deal with this.
My MIL yesterday decided to drop the bombshell that she will be here on the 10th May, when I told her 1 that my mum was coming for the birth (which I have told everybody my dud date is 11th when it's actually the 8th, not deliberate as that's what I thought it was but midwife had since told me it's the 8th). And 2 she has invited herself..... Nice huh. I asked my mum to come when I'm due, but she is due to fly out on holiday on the 19th. I begged her to come and just stay for one week In the hope LO would make an appearance in that time, and I also said that if she came there would be no room for any one else to make an appearance. Well she tried to make up excuse after excuse and then promised she would try to get here however by her first refusal I was already resigned to her not coming( not unusual behaviour but still gets to me). As I'm her ONLY daughter u would have thought she would try and be here for me when I need her..... Ho hum. And now I have this pressure that I'm gonna have to cope with MIL coming (when really not wanted here). As I don't really like my private space invaded, especially after having a baby, I want time to get to know my LO and all of us as a family to get accustomed to the new arrival before any outside interference. And it's not like my mum coming, my mum would help and the kids love her. But with MIL she feels like a spare part, the kids would act up, and I'd end up having to accommodate her, which I do not want to do. I've told my DH that I'm gonna need some space after the birth, and that I told my mum not to come which is also true because my convo with her yesterday was the last straw. She said that she would buy the baby a prezzie and come and see us after her holiday, but then I told her I would've had the LO before she goes, so she said she would come then??????????? wtf I then said that she made up so many excuses not to come??????? But she said that my friend would be coming ( who lives 4 hours away,with her 4 small children) wen my mum my flesh and blood only lives 1 hr1/2 away. My friend would have to fork out for hotel bill, fuel etc..... I don't want anyone here now, I know my MIL will come and be trying to take the baby off me all the time, but I exclusively breastfeed,so I like to be the one with maximum contact. Wen she came after my last daughter was born which was nearly 2years ago( she was born in May) she didn't bother coming until she was at least 4months. And then every time she cried, she ran like an Olympic sprinter to pick her up, even at times just coming into mine and DHs bedroom where my daughter was sleeping. Literally just let herself in while me and DH were in bed.....!!!!!! To come and relieve me of my own child. I'm getting mad just thinking of it. Lol this was supposed to be short and sweet however I don't really feel too sweet now..... Think I might have slight Bp. I just hope I have my lil one on the 8th or around then do no one gets to come ;-)
Handling her means she is not to come until invited and if she does what she wants anyway with your baby, your family, and your house she will be asked to leave and/or the door will not be answered at home.
Do not let someone else bully themselves to the birth at the hospital and then into your own home to monopolize your own baby. Babies needs come first over adult feelings.
It it is hard but you will never get this time back with your baby. Don't let someone ruin it when you have clear advance warning that is exactly what MIL is wanting to do.
We've never had the best of relationships, she was not my custodial parent growing up, doesn't really get the "mom" thing, and she lives 17 hours away. I tell her I'm now on bedrest for the rest of my pregnancy. Her response is "Well, I am praying for you. I wish there was more I could do."
Not to turn this into a religious thing, but there are SO many things she could do to lift a finger somewhere else besides the sky.
- Have food delivered to me. I can't exactly cook elaborate meals for myself right now. My team at work sent me cookies yesterday. She could bake cookies and send them to me for less than $5.
- Send me flowers. Yeah, they'll die in 2 days, but for two days while I am feeling useless in bed surrounded by things I can't do, I'll have something pretty to look at.
- Hire someone for a few hours to come help my husband who is doing all our housework, and working, and getting things ready for babies.
I feel like she is being unusually dismissive, even for her, and trying to absolve herself of any guilt or feeling of responsibility, and it really hurts. Every time I talk to her on the phone (once a month requisite, more often when necessary for things like this), she feels the need to bring up money and how she can't help more with baby gear, etc. I don't need your money. I need a little GD support. I need you to be my mom right now. Damn hormones - now I am crying again.When I was pregnant with my last daughter she came to the surgery with me for my midwife appt. This was the first real mother in law, daughter moment and i really wanted to involve her in at least one of her grandchildren. So my name was called to go in, I turned to her and said 'I'm going in now, are you coming"? She looked up at me and said "what for". DAMN!!!!!!
So I knew we weren't never gonna bond,.....lol
i will use religion, and I believe that if I hold it down and be patient GOD will see me through.
i have no sisters or family around me for support, if I go into labour DH is at work I will be getting an ambulance, then he will have to come home for our other children. And that's what stings about my real mum. She knows my situation and I thought she would jump at the chance. But she has a new fiancée.... Even though they don't live together and his grown up children live at home with him. What really sucks is that I've been supa Ill with flu for like 3 days and feh hasn't bothered to call me once to see how I am.#end of rant.
WAIT?!?!?! What??? So she's known she was being rude all this time?? Was she giving me permission to yell at her about it now? I try but I just don't get this woman.
DD: 05/14/16
DS: Born 5-17-16
Mine is also very rude, I had always given the benefit of the doubt and thought she meant well but was just mean "accidentally". She was "just excited" and "wanted to be involved" when she was inserting herself into all our parenting decisions (all unsolicited) and telling us how we should do things in our own home, and attempting to get very involved in other very personal decisions right?
I could be the "bigger" person right? Even when I was decades younger.
Until she put LO in the position to have to "be the bigger person"...
It took her saying really mean/rude/inappropriate things directly to my toddler for something to finally click in my head. I remembered over the years her interactions with others. That she doesn't do this to other people, she does know how to be nice to others - she just did it to us and now she was starting in on LO. I guess she thought since she did it with us, why not our child?
That was the last straw and when we finally started to shut that stuff down, every single time. Hope you can stop
it before it goes on that long. It has caused a lot of damage that wouldn't have been caused had it been addressed in the beginning.
Then things started making a lot of sense.
The issues all stem from her and dh's relationship which is beyond repair. He tried to make it better at our wedding and she shot him down and could barely congratulate him after the ceremony. He doesn't like the way she manipulates me, and quite honestly, does not want to be around her. And I can't say I blame him.
Long story short I emailed her asking how she would feel about coming up to meet the baby in June. The condition is she can't stay with us. I figure while he is working she can spend one on one time with baby and me. Because that's what she says she wants.
After a few days she replies that my offer does not "sit well with her", she wants to me more "hands on", then signs off by telling me to "take care". W!T!F!?!?!?!
So instead of taking what we can offer her, she would rather cut off her nose to spite her face? She was here a few years ago and stayed with us and told me afterwards how uncomfortable she was. Does she think it will be better now? And where would she like to sleep? Our guest room has been converted to a nursery.
I guess instead of being part of Harper's life, and mine, she would rather play the role of victim again? Make me out to be the horrible daughter that doesn't want her to be involved? I feel like she likes playing this game, and might feed off the drama. At the end of tre day, because she can't get what she wants, she would rather have nothing. Very mature, right?
Edited to add- at this point, isn't what is more important is MY family? If I asked her to stay with us dh would have lost his shit. Is it right for me to hurt our relationship, 2 weeks after having a baby? Why can't my stubborn ass mom see that?
Like you said, clearly getting to play the victim means more to her than her first and possibly only grand child. Apparently her behavior is all my fault, but at the end of the day there's things that can't be unsaid and choices that can't be undone.
be "uncomfortable" for her.
And there is way too much to type out here about our backstory, but it should
be informative enough to say that we legit were called by a Dr. Phil producer because they wanted her to be on the show after she contacted them. When we refused but said we would go to group counseling she screamed at DH that we must not care about her or want to fix anything. So. It sucks to cut family out but honestly it has removed a great stressor from our lives. It's not my mom so I continue to let DH make the choice regarding contact and he is happier not engaging her in any way. Every now and then she will email asking to reconnect and saying she will forgive us if we apologize. It's nuts but when someone won't get proper help then it's best to let them go.
My mom called me randomly in the middle of the day yesterday (she's normally an every 3rd Sunday caller) to talk about coming to visit and meet babies. Originally my sister was going to go with her but a new job opportunity changed her schedule.
Now she's taking about bringing her husband who is emotionally and physically abusive. She's left and gone back to him several times due to a combination of Catholic obligation and financial dependence. He keeps threatening to leave her, kill himself, or both.
They live near Lincoln, NE and we are in Austin TX. He won't fly or let anyone else drive if he's in the car. Driving that far is bonkers. I don't want him anywhere near me, my house, or my children. Our call dropped before I had a chance to tell her that, but I think I just need to be direct and/or buy her a plane ticket. She is almost 60 - she can fly by herself!
don't give in or roll over for her. This is a precious and monumental time for yourself, your husband, and baby, and she's trying to strong arm her way in. It is time to make it known your nuclear family is THE priority, and will be protected from outside influences.
Lets be honest, your mother is inconsiderate of others feelings and has been vicious in the past; even if she got her way and stayed with you the odds of her being on her best behavior and not verbally abusing your husband or yourself are slim.