Mine isn't bad by any means, but my FIL...smh! He has this way he sends texts. So formal. And I can't help but read it as him being pi$$ed off.
Example: DH to FIL (over text): I felt the baby move for the first time today! FIL to DH: That's nice. DH to FIL: Yeah, it's crazy how fast things are changing FIL do DH: Yes. They grow fast now.
This ....sounds VERY MUCH like my FIL and his texting.
@yogahh - my mom is the exact same way. I will get texts from her saying "miss you so much" or "hope your having a good day" but she has yet to call me, even if I call her and she misses it; will she call me back? Nope. If it's not a text like above its texts about random baby stuff she found and when I kindly text back that I've already found said item, or will look into it, I get a passive aggressive response back. Not sure what she wants, but I know she can be manipulative, which I am not falling for.
My MIL on the other hand is a handful. My in laws are staying at our place visiting (they live outside the country and travel all over). Anyway, 2 days ago she decided to fry something on my gas stove, we have a deep fryer that we have told her to use several times otherwise oil gets all over and since she NEVER cleans up after herself it is left to myself and MH. MH told her she can't fry anything unless it's in the fryer from now on. She hasn't left her room in 2 days now. Sigh. She was supposed to be leaving for the UK today and now she has suddenly changed her plans. I know she likes things her way, and she refuses to compromise but I'm thisclose to snapping. For example: She said that when baby is born I should be cooking the DAY OF my due date so my husband has food. I kindly informed her that I was going to cook meals ahead of time and then freeze them, and MH told her he doesn't agree with her statement. If she's feeling moody she won't respond to anything I ask her, but if I so much as look at her sideways she gets mad and starts yelling.
Dads are so much easier to deal with in my family...
Mine isn't bad by any means, but my FIL...smh! He has this way he sends texts. So formal. And I can't help but read it as him being pi$$ed off.
Example: DH to FIL (over text): I felt the baby move for the first time today! FIL to DH: That's nice. DH to FIL: Yeah, it's crazy how fast things are changing FIL do DH: Yes. They grow fast now.
My FIL is a texting train wreck, he sends texts in all caps only and usually to a group of 4 people minimum.
Example: FIL to Me, SIL1, SIL2, BIL1, BIL2, SIL3, DH: TODAY WE REMEMBER YOGI BERRA, A TRUE NEW YORK LEGEND. HE WILL BE MISSED BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN. - No Response - FIL to Me, SIL1, SIL2, BIL1, BIL2, SIL3, DH: BEAUTIFUL WEATHER IN CHARLOTTE TODAY. - No Response - FIL to Me, SIL1, SIL2, BIL1, BIL2, SIL3, DH: (random selfie) - No Response -
edited because typo
This made me laugh and laugh. MIL "signs" her texts: to me and DH: "Did you get any snow? Love, Mom"
That at least is cute, though. It doesn't annoy me
Still struggling with frustration - a close family member was admitted into rehab again this past weekend. I get that it is a sickness, but good golly, this guy takes it to a whole other level.
In the 6 years I've known my DH - this dude (family on his side) has been booked in more times than I care to remember, has stolen so much from everyone (including us), and has bankrupted (literally - she has nothing) his mother with all his shenanigans.
And still everyone tells him it is not his fault, it's okay, you will be okay. He is, like me, in his mid-twenties but can't hold a job. And his girlfriend is the worst! They break up every two days, then they get together again. This has been going on for 2 years. At the end he realised that she was only using him and his mother for a place to sleep, and still, before he checked in, he posted this stupid thing on facebook about how one day God will bring them together (gag).
I really wish he learns that he can fix himself and that he doesn't need her - for his mother's sake, if he is not going to do it for himself.
I also wish his mother will learn where to draw the line - she is so ill from all the stress and crippled financially, but yet she will always clean up his messes.
I am not willing to let him into our baby's life - I don't care how close his blood is to my DH's. Whe don't need this.
Me and my mom have been battling over inviting my brother's on and off girlfriend to my shower. At the moment they are supposedly back together. I haven't spoken to her in over a year and half, minus a brief hello how are you at a huge thanksgiving event back in November. My brother never brings her around or talks about her. She and I are not friends, and I don't care for her so I don't think I need to invite her to something as intimate and special as my shower. My mom is wanting me to be the bigger person and kill her with kindness, but i am over that crap. Long story short, she dumped my brother for another dude two Octobers ago, then they got back together a few months later but she was still hung up on the other dude so they broke up for 6 months and now they are "working it out". Back in December she sent the whole family a text message saying she wanted to talk to us, she met up with my parents but then she had some scheduling issues with me and DH. Finally the last time I tried to ask her to come over she told me she said she was really busy and I had already had plenty of chances. So naturally after that I was pissed as hell, and completely over any type of reconciliation. I don't trust her and I don't agree with my brother's choices but its his life and he has to do what works for him and makes him happy. I know he can do SO MUCH BETTER. I told my mom I am not closed off to re connecting with her in the future if she makes an honest effort and a real commitment to my brother, but for now I am not interested and my shower is not the right place for her. I am really tired of getting into with my mom over and over, and I told her last night that was the last time I was going to talk about it with her. I hate that one person can cause so much strife.
On another note so thankful for the bump ladies, its such a nice and safe place to vent!
@bshurdy That's frustrating, and I don't blame you for not going to the shower. If my SIL didn't at least thank me for the gifts the first 2 times around, I wouldn't have gotten her a gift a third time. You apparently have more patience than I do! My ILs coddle my SIL, too, though not quite to that extent. She works for my FIL's company where she is overpaid for what she does and takes off all the time to go on elaborate vacations. She bought her own house (a few blocks away from her parents) about a year ago, but she still calls my FIL to fix everything (even change light bulbs, cut her grass, etc.). They used to treat MH the same way, and it caused a lot of problems for us our first year of marriage. I finally put my foot down and told him to grow up and them to back off. Luckily, I have a strong enough relationship with them (I've known them my whole life) that I was comfortable enough with them to say it and they know me well enough not to get too offended. We now live 1,200+ miles away from them, so that has made it easier for us, but I still wonder how my SIL could function without them!
@Charissadeats That's rough! I know what it's like with a family member like that. My aunt (my dad's older sister) has been an alcoholic/drug addict most of my life. She squeezed every penny she could out of my grandparents (to the point my grandmother was barely scraping by when she passed away) and even held an estate sale without my dad's knowledge after my grandmother died. My grandmother never could turn her away, even when she should have. She sold about half the items out of the house before my dad found out and put a stop to it (he was the executor of my grandmother's estate). She has also broken into my parents' house numerous times and stolen jewelry, checks, and other valuables from them. She actually had the nerve to call and leave me a crazy, ranting message on my parents' answering machine the day after my wedding (she had seen the announcement in the local newspaper), demanding to know why she wasn't invited. She's been mostly estranged from the family for years, but she randomly shows up when she needs something. Hopefully, your family member will get the help he needs while in rehab. It's at least a step in the right direction.
@wsgjmw1 If you don't want your brother's gf at your shower, I would insist on her not being invited. It's your special day to celebrate with those people who matter in your life, and it sounds like she doesn't/shouldn't matter. I have a similar situation with my cousin's wife. She's a drama queen who has cheated on my cousin numerous times, and we had a huge argument a few months ago when she planned their two daughters' joint birthday party on the same date and time as my sister's baby shower (even though neither of her daughters' birthdays were even in that month and she had known about the shower for months). My mom and sister don't want to cause any more family drama, so they want to invite her, but I don't want her there. I told them that if anyone asks why she wasn't invited, they can direct the questions to me, and I'll tell people why she wasn't welcome.
@bshurdy That's frustrating, and I don't blame you for not going to the shower. If my SIL didn't at least thank me for the gifts the first 2 times around, I wouldn't have gotten her a gift a third time. You apparently have more patience than I do! My ILs coddle my SIL, too, though not quite to that extent. She works for my FIL's company where she is overpaid for what she does and takes off all the time to go on elaborate vacations. She bought her own house (a few blocks away from her parents) about a year ago, but she still calls my FIL to fix everything (even change light bulbs, cut her grass, etc.). They used to treat MH the same way, and it caused a lot of problems for us our first year of marriage. I finally put my foot down and told him to grow up and them to back off. Luckily, I have a strong enough relationship with them (I've known them my whole life) that I was comfortable enough with them to say it and they know me well enough not to get too offended. We now live 1,200+ miles away from them, so that has made it easier for us, but I still wonder how my SIL could function without them!
@Charissadeats That's rough! I know what it's like with a family member like that. My aunt (my dad's older sister) has been an alcoholic/drug addict most of my life. She squeezed every penny she could out of my grandparents (to the point my grandmother was barely scraping by when she passed away) and even held an estate sale without my dad's knowledge after my grandmother died. My grandmother never could turn her away, even when she should have. She sold about half the items out of the house before my dad found out and put a stop to it (he was the executor of my grandmother's estate). She has also broken into my parents' house numerous times and stolen jewelry, checks, and other valuables from them. She actually had the nerve to call and leave me a crazy, ranting message on my parents' answering machine the day after my wedding (she had seen the announcement in the local newspaper), demanding to know why she wasn't invited. She's been mostly estranged from the family for years, but she randomly shows up when she needs something. Hopefully, your family member will get the help he needs while in rehab. It's at least a step in the right direction.
@wsgjmw1 If you don't want your brother's gf at your shower, I would insist on her not being invited. It's your special day to celebrate with those people who matter in your life, and it sounds like she doesn't/shouldn't matter. I have a similar situation with my cousin's wife. She's a drama queen who has cheated on my cousin numerous times, and we had a huge argument a few months ago when she planned their two daughters' joint birthday party on the same date and time as my sister's baby shower (even though neither of her daughters' birthdays were even in that month and she had known about the shower for months). My mom and sister don't want to cause any more family drama, so they want to invite her, but I don't want her there. I told them that if anyone asks why she wasn't invited, they can direct the questions to me, and I'll tell people why she wasn't welcome.
Similar shower drama: my husband's aunt is the Mayor of Twatwaffleville. She added 2 extra people to her RSVP for our wedding, and when we told her we couldn't accommodate the extra people she pitched a fit and declared that she "was just going to bring them anyway." We ended up adding them (clearly I lost that battle with husband). Cut to the day of the wedding, they don't show. Turns out they had no intentions of going, and the aunt knew this several weeks ahead of time and didn't bother to let us know, which cost us several hundred dollars. Soooo baby shower time - I didn't invite her. I invited the members of my husband's family that I have a relationship with and actually LIKE. It's absolutely going to become an issue, and not even because she really wants to be there, but just because she isn't going to like not being invited. Like @swflJD said, I have no issue telling anyone why she wasn't welcome.
@wsgjmw1 If you don't want your brother's gf at your shower, I would insist on her not being invited. It's your special day to celebrate with those people who matter in your life, and it sounds like she doesn't/shouldn't matter. I have a similar situation with my cousin's wife. She's a drama queen who has cheated on my cousin numerous times, and we had a huge argument a few months ago when she planned their two daughters' joint birthday party on the same date and time as my sister's baby shower (even though neither of her daughters' birthdays were even in that month and she had known about the shower for months). My mom and sister don't want to cause any more family drama, so they want to invite her, but I don't want her there. I told them that if anyone asks why she wasn't invited, they can direct the questions to me, and I'll tell people why she wasn't welcome.
Thank you for writing this My mom is the same way she doesn't want to create MORE drama and friction by NOT inviting her. I did the SAME thing as you, I told my mom if anyone asks why I would be more than happy to explain. Done and Done
Similar shower drama: my husband's aunt is the Mayor of Twatwaffleville. She added 2 extra people to her RSVP for our wedding, and when we told her we couldn't accommodate the extra people she pitched a fit and declared that she "was just going to bring them anyway." We ended up adding them (clearly I lost that battle with husband). Cut to the day of the wedding, they don't show. Turns out they had no intentions of going, and the aunt knew this several weeks ahead of time and didn't bother to let us know, which cost us several hundred dollars. Soooo baby shower time - I didn't invite her. I invited the members of my husband's family that I have a relationship with and actually LIKE. It's absolutely going to become an issue, and not even because she really wants to be there, but just because she isn't going to like not being invited. Like @swflJD said, I have no issue telling anyone why she wasn't welcome.
Exactly, I firmly believe a shower is intimate and so special , it should only be people you have a REAL relationship with. NO TWATWAFFLES allowed.
@wsgjmw1 my brother's fiance is the same way. She's manipulative and plays the victim all of the time. Since they've just recently reconnected and she hasn't made the effort recently to talk to you, I wouldn't invite her either. I'm glad you stood up to your mom, I need more guts to do that. My brother and his fiance essentially live at my mom's house, have said for at least a year that they were going to get their own place...but don't. And my mom doesn't say or do anything about it. He's 25. It's ridiculous.
@wsgjmw1 my brother's fiance is the same way. She's manipulative and plays the victim all of the time. Since they've just recently reconnected and she hasn't made the effort recently to talk to you, I wouldn't invite her either. I'm glad you stood up to your mom, I need more guts to do that. My brother and his fiance essentially live at my mom's house, have said for at least a year that they were going to get their own place...but don't. And my mom doesn't say or do anything about it. He's 25. It's ridiculous.
YUUPP. My brother lived with my parents until he was 25. They paid all his bills as well, it was such a joke. We need to start a support group, mom's with nightmare SIL's.
I had to dredge up this thread to share. We had dinner with my MIL last weekend (who has been here visiting for THREE MONTHS, just go home already FFS). Anyway, every time she want to talk about my pregnancy (which has been exactly 3 times, she's not exactly "involved" even though it's her first grandchild) she says "It might be twins!" And we say "It's not, it's just one baby." And she says "You never know!!" And we say "Yes you do! You know!! That's what ultrasounds are for!!"
So fast forward to dinner over the weekend. She very suddenly asks me about the baby (even though we've been in the house for literally 6 hours already with no mention). She says half-joking (I think?) that it would be great if he were born on her daughter's birthday which is in May. I'm due MAY FIRST. So I say, "Oh, when is her birthday?" She replied "May 28th." I laugh, because she of course must be joking, and say "Well there's no chance of that then!" And she replies, quite seriously, "well you never know, he could be late!" So I say "Uhh, actually I do know, because they don't let you stay pregnant that long..." And her reply was again "Well, you never know what's going to happen."
Lady. Seriously. Yes, I do know that my doctor is not going to let me stay pregnant for 45 weeks.
@Aquinna82 Ugh why do they do that!? My MIL said something similar recently when my daughter (from my first marriage) said she wants her baby sister to get her hair and her chin (DD is my spitting image, has my hair and my dimple in the chin). My MIL said "Well that's impossible." Probably b/c DD#1 has a different dad but those traits are from me. So I said "Actually it's quite possible. She has my hair and my chin. I seem to have dominate genes. This baby could very well get those also."
I had to dredge up this thread to share. We had dinner with my MIL last weekend (who has been here visiting for THREE MONTHS, just go home already FFS). Anyway, every time she want to talk about my pregnancy (which has been exactly 3 times, she's not exactly "involved" even though it's her first grandchild) she says "It might be twins!" And we say "It's not, it's just one baby." And she says "You never know!!" And we say "Yes you do! You know!! That's what ultrasounds are for!!"
So fast forward to dinner over the weekend. She very suddenly asks me about the baby (even though we've been in the house for literally 6 hours already with no mention). She says half-joking (I think?) that it would be great if he were born on her daughter's birthday which is in May. I'm due MAY FIRST. So I say, "Oh, when is her birthday?" She replied "May 28th." I laugh, because she of course must be joking, and say "Well there's no chance of that then!" And she replies, quite seriously, "well you never know, he could be late!" So I say "Uhh, actually I do know, because they don't let you stay pregnant that long..." And her reply was again "Well, you never know what's going to happen."
Lady. Seriously. Yes, I do know that my doctor is not going to let me stay pregnant for 45 weeks.
JUST WOW. Its so ridic when something is ABSOLUTELY not possible and they insist it could be. I think they do it to be purposely obnoxious, how can someone be that ignorant. AYE!
I'm not sure where to start with my in-laws. I can tell you stories that would make your head spin. They are both crazy. Even my DH says they are crazy. They are divorced but are friends for right now (their friendship goes on again off again - that is a story in itself) My MIL is bi-polar and has manic phases every few years (but that is not why she is crazy). She pretty much leaves us alone for the most part. She lets us have our space. I know she is ecstatic about having her first grandchild. I think she means well, but I never know how to tell when she is being nice vs. the manic phase because when DH and I were dating and I was getting to know his parents I thought I was getting to know her; turns out I was getting to know the manic side of her at the time and did not know it. So I never can tell when she is being nice or faking being nice. I can't read her and I think that is what bothers me the most.
Now the FIL is where the majority of the problems come in. He is a toxic parents and sends DH on guilt trips all the time. He is capable of doing things himself, but he refuses. He has to have someone else do them for him. He expects you do drop what you are doing and do his stuff for him or he will send you on a guilt trip. He knows I won't take that BS but DH will. One time it was so bad and DH was so upset of the massive guilt trip his dad put on him he was bawling like a baby. I dislike my FIL mainly b/c of how he treats DH.
A little back ground info. When DH was little, his dad made them (his dad, his mom, and him) go to his PawPaw and MawMaw's house EVERY night for supper. We are talking 365 days a year. It scares me that he might expect us to do the same thing and see him every day. It scares me that IF he expects that, what kind of guilt trip he might try to pull on my DH. I've already told DH that if his dad expects that then he is in for a big surprise b/c we will NOT be doing that. DH agrees with me on it, HOWEVER he has not learned how to tell his dad no. So I'm very afraid of any expectations that my in-laws may or may not have once the baby is born. I'm worrying about this way ahead of time I know.
I'm not sure where to start with my in-laws. I can tell you stories that would make your head spin. They are both crazy. Even my DH says they are crazy. They are divorced but are friends for right now (their friendship goes on again off again - that is a story in itself) My MIL is bi-polar and has manic phases every few years (but that is not why she is crazy). She pretty much leaves us alone for the most part. She lets us have our space. I know she is ecstatic about having her first grandchild. I think she means well, but I never know how to tell when she is being nice vs. the manic phase because when DH and I were dating and I was getting to know his parents I thought I was getting to know her; turns out I was getting to know the manic side of her at the time and did not know it. So I never can tell when she is being nice or faking being nice. I can't read her and I think that is what bothers me the most.
Now the FIL is where the majority of the problems come in. He is a toxic parents and sends DH on guilt trips all the time. He is capable of doing things himself, but he refuses. He has to have someone else do them for him. He expects you do drop what you are doing and do his stuff for him or he will send you on a guilt trip. He knows I won't take that BS but DH will. One time it was so bad and DH was so upset of the massive guilt trip his dad put on him he was bawling like a baby. I dislike my FIL mainly b/c of how he treats DH.
A little back ground info. When DH was little, his dad made them (his dad, his mom, and him) go to his PawPaw and MawMaw's house EVERY night for supper. We are talking 365 days a year. It scares me that he might expect us to do the same thing and see him every day. It scares me that IF he expects that, what kind of guilt trip he might try to pull on my DH. I've already told DH that if his dad expects that then he is in for a big surprise b/c we will NOT be doing that. DH agrees with me on it, HOWEVER he has not learned how to tell his dad no. So I'm very afraid of any expectations that my in-laws may or may not have once the baby is born. I'm worrying about this way ahead of time I know.
My SIL and her family go to my ILs every single night for dinner as well. I praise my lucky stars all the time that we live 3 hours away. If we lived in the same town, my MIL would guilt trip us to no end if we didn't come over at least a couple of nights a week. And it's the same with my DH. He agrees that her guilt trips are ridiculous sometimes, but definitely has trouble saying no.
Married: May 2012 DS1: May 2016 DS2: Jan 2019 Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
So I realized I never updated you guys on the latest.... after a month of not talking (except for ME calling her on Xmas. ME calling her on NYE. and ME calling her once to say hi) , she just shows up on my doorstep last weekend. She lives SEVEN hours away. I told her she could have picked up a phone instead of acting like a crazy woman and driving SEVEN hours. We grabbed a coffee and the whole time she told me how everything she said leading up to the wedding was all just "bad jokes" and that I misconstrued the off hand comments. So instead of apologizing, it is now my fault that I took her "bad jokes" as an attack on my marriage. She still thinks that she did nothing wrong, and doesn't understand how I think she is playing the victim.
She also mentioned that I "changed"since getting married; she doesn't understand how my view of her has flipped. I told her that after the ultimatum convo she forced my husband and I to have with her or she was threatening to leave that night and miss the wedding, my view of her definitely has changed. She was hostile and defensive when DH begged her to stay for the wedding, told her he wants to move on and apologized for the past. All she did was shoot him daggers and ignore him. So yeah, my vision of this perfect mother shattered. Especially since DH has been telling me for years how HE sees her. That conversation was an eye opener. Now she wants to know how to move on with him? She seemed shocked when I told her he is done with her and wants nothing to do with her. He tried 48 hours before our wedding. After our vows, she could barely choke out a "congrats". She told us at the alter she "dropped our rings in the sand". Why would he want to make nice with her after this?
Now she thinks we are BFFS again (even though she told me that we are "not peers" and pretty much said that I should be the one making all efforts to have a relationship with her). I am walking a very fine line here. If I let her back in, DH will say he told me so and accuse me of being under her spell again. If I hold her at a distance, she will blame him. I am still not sure entirely what to do, but think limited contact (ie, maybe one weekly call to check in, a visit here and there) might be the best. When LO is here, I can't tell her she can't visit, but that is a delicate topic in our house right now.
I just find it interesting that after all of this, she still cannot admit that what she did and said was wrong, admit her mistake in it, and just apologize.
Sorry this is so long, but I need to vent about the crazy family drama surrounding the shower in my hometown next month. My sister and SIL are hosting it. I was unaware of all the recent drama that has been happening until my sister and SIL called me last night, both almost in tears. Apparently, they had booked a shower venue a couple of months ago, and the planning was going smoothly. Then, my mother mentioned that she wanted to "help."
This actually needs a bit of a backstory to put it into context. I hosted my sister's baby shower back in October with the help of my SIL. My mother never offered to help with anything for her own daughter's shower, even though she lives in the same town, doesn't work, has plenty of free time, and this was her first grandchild that she said she was so excited for. It wasn't even my SIL's relative, but since she loves party planning and my sister, and she knows I live out of state, she did a lot of the leg work of scouting out local venues and vendors. My mom showed zero interest in helping. I have always been my mother's favorite child, and I have always felt bad for my sister because our mom hasn't made much of an effort to hide that fact over the years. She will occasionally bring up - in front of my sister - about how upset she was when she found out she was pregnant with my sister because it "wasn't fair" to me that I wouldn't get all of our parents' attention anymore. It's just so messed up!
I announced to my family that I was pregnant the day after my sister's shower because I was in town and wanted to it in person, but (knowing my mother) I wanted to make sure my sis was still the sole focus of her shower. After she found out I was expecting, my mom barely acknowledged my sister's pregnancy. I flew in for my niece's birth, and I stayed at my sis and BIL's house nearby so I could drive to the hospital to see them every day until they came home (my sis had to have a c-section, so she wasn't released for several days). My mom was so upset that I didn't stay with my dad and her, even though they live almost an hour away from my sister's hospital. My mom came to the hospital for the birth, but she didn't come to visit them again until they were already home. My dad came to visit them every evening in the hospital, but my mom was too "busy" to come with him for the first week or so. She now only visits my niece every few weeks and only when my sister calls and asks her to. My mom even went so far as to tell me on the phone the other day that she was so excited to meet my baby because, while she loves her 3-month-old granddaughter, it's just "going to be different" because she's my sister's baby, and mine is just going to be "so special." Even though she (hopefully) hasn't said anything like that in front of my sister, I got of the phone and started sobbing because it broke my heart for my sister and niece who I love so much. I mean, seriously...WTF!?
Based on all that, the fact that my mom is so interested in planning my shower really pisses me off. I know I should just be grateful that that she's excited for my baby and wants to make this shower special for me, but the fact that she showed zero interest in my sister's shower just a few months ago and now barely acknowledges her granddaughter really upsets me. According to my sister and SIL, my mom has made all these Pinterest boards (I didn't even know she knew what Pinterest was!), and she's trying to take over the shower. My SIL doesn't feel like it's her place to tell her to back off, and my sister, who has a 3-month-old and just started back to work full time, hasn't had the time or energy to sit my mom and try to explain to her that they've got it covered. I guess my mom and my aunt (her sister) met at a different venue yesterday and sent pictures to my sister and SIL, saying that place was so much nicer than the venue that was booked (which is a perfectly fine place), so they want to change it to this place. The invitations went out a couple of days ago, and people should be getting them any day now. No, crazy lady, it's too late to change it! Not to mention, that place costs double. I'm trying to stay out of it, but I feel bad for my sister and SIL who have put so much into planning this shower, only to have my mom try to hijack it at the last minute. My fear is that I'll fly in that weekend, and there are going to be two separate showers for me! And I'm not sure why my aunt is even involved in this. She didn't offer to do anything to help with my sister's shower, so why the sudden interest in mine? Why does my mom have to be so BSC!? I swear, my family can't do anything together without WWIII breaking out!
@swflJD I got a little teary for your sister just reading that I hope your mom hasn't said anything like that in front of her, although she probably knows. Any way you can give your SIL "permission" to say "it's covered thanks, see you there?"
Wow. That's awful. How can your mom be so heartless toward your sister? I think perhaps the only thing to do is to empower your SIL to put her foot down and tell your mom and your aunt it's all already taken care of and too late to change.
Maybe she can suggest that if they like the venue so much they can use it to host your niece's first birthday party:)
And even if your mother takes out her wrath on your SIL, you can promise SIL your and your sister's undying affection and loyalty:) She sounds awesome.
Wow. That's awful. How can your mom be so heartless toward your sister? I think perhaps the only thing to do is to empower your SIL to put her foot down and tell your mom and your aunt it's all already taken care of and too late to change.
Maybe she can suggest that if they like the venue so much they can use it to host your niece's first birthday party:)
And even if your mother takes out her wrath on your SIL, you can promise SIL your and your sister's undying affection and loyalty:) She sounds awesome.
My rant is with my MIL. Backstory is that my husband has a rocky relationship with her due to terrible decisions she's made with him and his younger sister throughout their lives. She basically abandoned both of them to be with a man and that has done serious damage to his relationship with her. Since our wedding in Aug 2015 and now our first baby due in May she is trying her hardest to be in our lives as much as possible but is a burden because she literally doesnt have a job, money and can't per her own rent due to her poor choices.
She now has this idea that being the best grandma she can be to our baby girl is now her purpose in life. We do not agree with her and have told her she can be in LO's life but with boundaries. She doesn't accept this. When she asked who will be caring for LO when I return to work after maternity, she flipped out when I said we've decided my mother (who's a stay at home mom) will be caring for her. That started a huge fight because she wants to care for LO in her trailer that she rents from a friend and shares a bedroom with her daughter and daughter's girlfriend. It is absurd. They are chain smokers and it is not an environment my husband and I want our LO in. She didn't take that news well.
Next thing she pulls is telling me that we better notify her the minute we go into labor and to the hospital because she wants to be there no matter what. That's not happening. I do not want her there while I am trying to deliver a baby because she stresses me out. My husband agrees. We basically told her this but she isn't accepting it.
Last thing she told me was that she knows my husband is taking 2 weeks off work when LO arrives but that she wants to be at our house as well to keep up with cooking, laundry and caring for the dog. I appreciate her offer but I do not want her there. She will stress me out and I plan on being half naked most of the time trying to figure out breastfeeding LO. I just want it to be me, hubby and LO until we get things figured out on our own. I told her this is our decision and she still doesn't seem to accept it.
I am nervous just thinking about what she is going to try and pull during our labor and after LO arrives. She drives me nuts. Luckily my husband agrees and supports my decisions with his mom but at the same time he doesn't communicate with her so I have to end up telling her everything like I am the bad guy. All of it just stresses me out and causes me to dislike my MIL more than I should and I hate feeling like that about another person.
end rant.
p.s. When we found out the gender of LO, first place we stopped was my MIL's to tell her and his sister. Before we could even get home, both of them had posted to Facebook telling everyone we know our news that our first baby was a girl! We were furious. I should have known that was the beginning of the hell I'd endure from them during this pregnancy.
swflJD, I feel so sorry for you and your sister the way your mother is acting. I would definitely suggest stepping in to possibly defend your sister because it sounds like your mom favors you. My MIL has a similar thing between my husband and his younger sister. She has always favored him and kind of neglected his younger sister. It sounds like if anyone can stand up to your mom in this situation it would be you and possibly help your sister be be able to plan the shower she wants for you. I hope everything goes well with the shower and your sister doesn't get burned by your mother!
My rant is with my MIL. Backstory is that my husband has a rocky relationship with her due to terrible decisions she's made with him and his younger sister throughout their lives. She basically abandoned both of them to be with a man and that has done serious damage to his relationship with her. Since our wedding in Aug 2015 and now our first baby due in May she is trying her hardest to be in our lives as much as possible but is a burden because she literally doesnt have a job, money and can't per her own rent due to her poor choices.
She now has this idea that being the best grandma she can be to our baby girl is now her purpose in life. We do not agree with her and have told her she can be in LO's life but with boundaries. She doesn't accept this. When she asked who will be caring for LO when I return to work after maternity, she flipped out when I said we've decided my mother (who's a stay at home mom) will be caring for her. That started a huge fight because she wants to care for LO in her trailer that she rents from a friend and shares a bedroom with her daughter and daughter's girlfriend. It is absurd. They are chain smokers and it is not an environment my husband and I want our LO in. She didn't take that news well.
Next thing she pulls is telling me that we better notify her the minute we go into labor and to the hospital because she wants to be there no matter what. That's not happening. I do not want her there while I am trying to deliver a baby because she stresses me out. My husband agrees. We basically told her this but she isn't accepting it.
Last thing she told me was that she knows my husband is taking 2 weeks off work when LO arrives but that she wants to be at our house as well to keep up with cooking, laundry and caring for the dog. I appreciate her offer but I do not want her there. She will stress me out and I plan on being half naked most of the time trying to figure out breastfeeding LO. I just want it to be me, hubby and LO until we get things figured out on our own. I told her this is our decision and she still doesn't seem to accept it.
I am nervous just thinking about what she is going to try and pull during our labor and after LO arrives. She drives me nuts. Luckily my husband agrees and supports my decisions with his mom but at the same time he doesn't communicate with her so I have to end up telling her everything like I am the bad guy. All of it just stresses me out and causes me to dislike my MIL more than I should and I hate feeling like that about another person.
end rant.
p.s. When we found out the gender of LO, first place we stopped was my MIL's to tell her and his sister. Before we could even get home, both of them had posted to Facebook telling everyone we know our news that our first baby was a girl! We were furious. I should have known that was the beginning of the hell I'd endure from them during this pregnancy.
Don't be afraid to ask the nurses to keep people out while you're there. Also, nothing says you have to answer the door when she tries to come over. It sounds harsh, but it doesn't seem like she's getting it through normal communication channels.
@wsgjmw1 my brother's fiance is the same way. She's manipulative and plays the victim all of the time. Since they've just recently reconnected and she hasn't made the effort recently to talk to you, I wouldn't invite her either. I'm glad you stood up to your mom, I need more guts to do that. My brother and his fiance essentially live at my mom's house, have said for at least a year that they were going to get their own place...but don't. And my mom doesn't say or do anything about it. He's 25. It's ridiculous.
YUUPP. My brother lived with my parents until he was 25. They paid all his bills as well, it was such a joke. We need to start a support group, mom's with nightmare SIL's.
My BIL is even worse... 26, married, lives in a different state from his parents but they provide him with an income equivalent to what I make, along with a credit card with no limit. He occasionally putters around and does a project here or there for extra money, but is so full of himself that he won't consider moving for a job nor taking one that pays less per hour than his contracted gigs (even though he'd get benefits and would make much more annually). He's totally content to live off his parents indefinitely.
OMG Where has this post been all of my pregnant life!! I can seriously empathize with so many of your stories.
I grew up with a really badly paired set of parents. My dad has anger issues, screams relentlessly, and will never back down, admit hes wrong, or try and fix anything ever. He was not loving, caring, compassionate or anything you would hope to have in a father. He provided financially and that was all. My mother much more on the timid side, had one type of narcissistic mother herself, which turned her into the other type of narcissistic mother called more of an ''engulfing'' type. However also had no ability to really express love, and while she was more 'there' in many cases, she definitely did not make up where dad was lacking at all. They very very much enabled each other. She never ever stood up for me to him, when he was always screaming about something insane and unreasonable She allowed him to break me down and scream at me for being horribly wrong even if what i did or didnt do wasnt a big deal at all. - She being super overly sensitive got hurt easily (so do i) but then he would stand up for her to the ends of the earth even when she was clearly over reacting or expecting selfish things. I was never allowed to say or do anything that either of them disagreed with. I treated as if i was a very bad kid, but never really did anything you would normally consider to be wrong, I was too terrified because I knew what this much lesser level was life. I wouldnt dare actually do anything bad. If I was in trouble its because I was bad at math, or couldn't swallow pills. I was never allowed to show my true colors or opinions if they were different from theirs. I fought tooth and nail to be allowed to have my alternative style and enjoy the things i liked, but was always obvious there was a undercurrent of disapproval. I learned to keep to myself, teach myself, and grow as my own person, but constantly opted to keep most of it to myself. I learned how to hide myself from them while letting them think i wasnt.
Fast forward to now.... After years of therapy and work i have come to terms with the fact that i was pretty severely emotionally/mentally abused (obviously much more than i can write in this post) and that it has severely effected me as an adult. I have spent much of the past few years trying to relearn a lot of things, trying to understand that the others around me aren't really constantly emotionally abandoning me, that not everyone is constantly against me and i dont need to spend ever second defending each and every one of my actions, that i can actually trust some people sometimes, I can give up control sometimes and that i actually did a pretty okay job of raising myself because I turned out much more level headed than either of them.
Finally once the decision was made to have a baby and i had someone else to stand up for besides myself, i began to disconnect from them. I began to stand up for myself when i was being bombarded with judgemental comments, with my mother expecting her feelings to go before mine, and really working to take my power back. That turned into about 8 full months of them both trying very hard to hurt me, take things from me, threaten me, any possible way they could keep their power over me. But i opted not to allow it, and slowly I came to terms with being willing to lose absolutely everything relative to them, including that entire side of my family. Because I needed to make sure that my daughter never had to see grandma treat her mother like that. To make sure i could personally heal how i needed to to make sure i would not repeat any of those things onto my daughter. It took 8 months before my mother finally snapped and gave up, and its been about 2 months now of her understanding i am in control, i have the power and i will make every single decision for me and baby girl. She knows if she slips up, shes getting cut off again, and she will never be in the baby's life. Because i have made it clear i am willing to lose everything she thought she has over me. That being side, my dad is still off somewhere calling me names and telling everyone how I am satan incarnate. But thats whatever, He can be that way if hes okay with never knowing his only grandchild. His problem, not mine, or baby girl's.
So yes! I have some experience with parental drama. Just to touch on the other side. FIL passed away before i ever knew him, MIL has her days where shes awesome and days where she is purely insane. But for the most shes a very minute issue.
Fast forward to now.... After years of therapy and work i have come to terms with the fact that i was pretty severely emotionally/mentally abused (obviously much more than i can write in this post) and that it has severely effected me as an adult. I have spent much of the past few years trying to relearn a lot of things, trying to understand that the others around me aren't really constantly emotionally abandoning me, that not everyone is constantly against me and i dont need to spend ever second defending each and every one of my actions, that i can actually trust some people sometimes, I can give up control sometimes and that i actually did a pretty okay job of raising myself because I turned out much more level headed than either of them.
Finally once the decision was made to have a baby and i had someone else to stand up for besides myself, i began to disconnect from them. I began to stand up for myself when i was being bombarded with judgemental comments, with my mother expecting her feelings to go before mine, and really working to take my power back. That turned into about 8 full months of them both trying very hard to hurt me, take things from me, threaten me, any possible way they could keep their power over me. But i opted not to allow it, and slowly I came to terms with being willing to lose absolutely everything relative to them, including that entire side of my family. Because I needed to make sure that my daughter never had to see grandma treat her mother like that. To make sure i could personally heal how i needed to to make sure i would not repeat any of those things onto my daughter. It took 8 months before my mother finally snapped and gave up, and its been about 2 months now of her understanding i am in control, i have the power and i will make every single decision for me and baby girl. She knows if she slips up, shes getting cut off again, and she will never be in the baby's life. Because i have made it clear i am willing to lose everything she thought she has over me.
Thank you for sharing. I can relate to a lot of what you have experienced with growing up in an oppressive and emotionally/ multi-form of abuse environment.
Your story of growth, resiliance, and empowerment is so awesome. I give you all the loves and high fives. I know it's a hard process, but the strength your are gaining is so worth it. You're parents are FAR from perfect, and their version of right and wrong is toxic (and probably hypocritical).
My mother uses love as a tool for manipulation, and since the personal growth/ boundary phase she and my step dad are aloof, but respectful. They know they have no power over me or my relationship, and although it would be nice if we were closer, it is what it is.
BTW, My mom still does her love withholding manipulation stuff with my 28 yo sister.
TheHauntedHauswife I'm so impressed with how far you've come! Thank you for sharing your story. It is so easy for many of us to do things "the way our Mom did them", but you've committed to do them differently - to do them the way your heart and mind will lead you. You go Mama!!
Mama to Three Girls: Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!
Couldn't keep my rant until TW Tuesday. Over the weekend at the IL's MIL wanted to talk about the potential names. My DH said he didn't want to talk about it anymore (it's a frequent topic) she kept pushing and he said he didn't care. FIL then gets upset for a combination of us not wanting to talk about it and because we shot down the name he likes. He likes Zayn/Zane. I said that I feel it's too popular due to the one direction kid and I'm trying to stay away from names that he would run into a lot of others with the same name. DH doesn't like the name so it's not really even a conversation. FIL was cold to us the rest of the night, which seams so immature. They had the chance to name their kids! If we don't like something and have a polite response deal with it.
I've tried to tell DH we shouldn't talk about names with people because everyone has an opinion but he's really bad about keeping his mouth shut.
Couldn't keep my rant until TW Tuesday. Over the weekend at the IL's MIL wanted to talk about the potential names. My DH said he didn't want to talk about it anymore (it's a frequent topic) she kept pushing and he said he didn't care. FIL then gets upset for a combination of us not wanting to talk about it and because we shot down the name he likes. He likes Zayn/Zane. I said that I feel it's too popular due to the one direction kid and I'm trying to stay away from names that he would run into a lot of others with the same name. DH doesn't like the name so it's not really even a conversation. FIL was cold to us the rest of the night, which seams so immature. They had the chance to name their kids! If we don't like something and have a polite response deal with it.
I've tried to tell DH we shouldn't talk about names with people because everyone has an opinion but he's really bad about keeping his mouth shut.
Ive had the same issue with MIL. She had the nerve to send me an email of names SHE likes. And the few we actually told her we liked she shot down. I said the same thing.. you had the chance to name your kids already. She is gonna HATE the name we picked, and I cant wait to see her reaction. She is pushing her grandmothers names on me (we actually choose one of them as the middle name as it is a family name for DH). But her pushiness makes my skin crawl.
Now my mom ruined the surprise to her by guessing the name and backing me into a corner. I cried (legit cried) about it last night.
Yup I went through this with my in-laws too and my MIL vetoed one of our top choice names (also happens to be MH's paternal grandfather aka her FIL's name) AND she said our middle name choice was "overused" since its DH's middle name, my brother's name, and my paternal grandfather's name. That's what we like about it; it honors people from both our families. Anyway, after a ton of agonizing, husband and I agreed that she got to name him and we get to name our son. She's probably going to hate our chosen name but we aren't revealing it until he's born and it's on his birth certificate. Too bad, lady.
Is it terrible that I kind of like that we're using a name I know she isn't in favor of? I swear she's the pushiest woman I've ever met.
We had to tell my family that we were "currently not soliciting name suggestions". I get that it's fun to pick out a name, but it can be really stressful on the parents to be constantly fielding names. I asked my mom for one sentence advice on names, and she said the tone of the name mattered more than the actual name. For example, my name is Joana and she said she knew my name would have the tone of "duh DUH duh". After awhile we opened up names again, but that was after I knew my baby's name tone, what was important to me in terms of name history, and had a short list. It really helped. When we picked our name my family had a fun time coming up with all the nicknames and now they love the name.
My parents are coming to visit later this week, as is one of my younger sisters.
The itinerary for their visit involves about 4 to 7 miles of walking per day, depending on how ambitious they want to get with their sightseeing. Also they're expecting me to take a day and a half off work to do this with them (keeping in mind that I am currently busting my ass to get my caseload resolved before heading out on maternity).
So glad someone ressurected this thread.....MH and I just moved to a new place and spent a lot of time and money researching/picking out furniture we loved and decorating the place, and we are really proud of how its come together. My mom stopped by and spent the entire visit criticizing everything- the area we're in, the house we chose, our furniture is ugly and will get dirty, everything is set up wrong, we need to do XYZ, blah blah blah. I can take it, but I feel so awful for my poor husband who I know was so proud of all the work we did.
Can't wait until the baby is here and she gives her opinions on how we're raising it!
It's Easter. So in the spirit of resurrection I'm bringing up an old thread.
I need to find a way to ask my MIL to stop narrating our interactions for LO. It's annoying! Most of the time when I see her she greets me, says hi and then says Hi Elizabeth (the unborn lol). NBD. But she also has this newer habit of narrating life to Elizabeth. At first it was a little odd but tolerable. She'd say things like, "Elizabeth it's Good Friday and all your dads family has gotten together to go see a play your mom's family has invited us to." This weekend she started narrating even more though, "Elizabeth your moms decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator." "Elizabeth your mom is having salad for dinner." WOMAN WILL YOU SHUT UP! In those moments I feel 100% judged and invisible at the exact same time.
My MIL is such a case of "bless her heart." She tries. Seriously. This is her trying to be social and nice but she's also incredibly awkward. She tells stories about being fat and without friends growing up. Never going to prom or other dances and sporting events and this is why. She doesn't know how to connect with people. And I end up feeling like a bitch because I lose patience.
In those moments I feel 100% judged and invisible at the exact same time.
Tell her this. Exactly this. She'll know what that feels like. You can do it politely and lovingly, and be clear that you know she means well and just wants to welcome baby to the world, but it's making you feel both judged and invisible.
Re: Problematic Parents/In laws 1/25
My MIL on the other hand is a handful. My in laws are staying at our place visiting (they live outside the country and travel all over). Anyway, 2 days ago she decided to fry something on my gas stove, we have a deep fryer that we have told her to use several times otherwise oil gets all over and since she NEVER cleans up after herself it is left to myself and MH. MH told her she can't fry anything unless it's in the fryer from now on. She hasn't left her room in 2 days now. Sigh. She was supposed to be leaving for the UK today and now she has suddenly changed her plans. I know she likes things her way, and she refuses to compromise but I'm thisclose to snapping. For example: She said that when baby is born I should be cooking the DAY OF my due date so my husband has food. I kindly informed her that I was going to cook meals ahead of time and then freeze them, and MH told her he doesn't agree with her statement. If she's feeling moody she won't respond to anything I ask her, but if I so much as look at her sideways she gets mad and starts yelling.
Dads are so much easier to deal with in my family...
You ladies all need to check out "When Parents Text" : https://whenparentstext.tumblr.com/
In the 6 years I've known my DH - this dude (family on his side) has been booked in more times than I care to remember, has stolen so much from everyone (including us), and has bankrupted (literally - she has nothing) his mother with all his shenanigans.
And still everyone tells him it is not his fault, it's okay, you will be okay. He is, like me, in his mid-twenties but can't hold a job. And his girlfriend is the worst! They break up every two days, then they get together again. This has been going on for 2 years.
At the end he realised that she was only using him and his mother for a place to sleep, and still, before he checked in, he posted this stupid thing on facebook about how one day God will bring them together (gag).
I really wish he learns that he can fix himself and that he doesn't need her - for his mother's sake, if he is not going to do it for himself.
I also wish his mother will learn where to draw the line - she is so ill from all the stress and crippled financially, but yet she will always clean up his messes.
I am not willing to let him into our baby's life - I don't care how close his blood is to my DH's. Whe don't need this.
On another note so thankful for the bump ladies, its such a nice and safe place to vent!
@Charissadeats That's rough! I know what it's like with a family member like that. My aunt (my dad's older sister) has been an alcoholic/drug addict most of my life. She squeezed every penny she could out of my grandparents (to the point my grandmother was barely scraping by when she passed away) and even held an estate sale without my dad's knowledge after my grandmother died. My grandmother never could turn her away, even when she should have. She sold about half the items out of the house before my dad found out and put a stop to it (he was the executor of my grandmother's estate). She has also broken into my parents' house numerous times and stolen jewelry, checks, and other valuables from them. She actually had the nerve to call and leave me a crazy, ranting message on my parents' answering machine the day after my wedding (she had seen the announcement in the local newspaper), demanding to know why she wasn't invited. She's been mostly estranged from the family for years, but she randomly shows up when she needs something. Hopefully, your family member will get the help he needs while in rehab. It's at least a step in the right direction.
@wsgjmw1 If you don't want your brother's gf at your shower, I would insist on her not being invited. It's your special day to celebrate with those people who matter in your life, and it sounds like she doesn't/shouldn't matter. I have a similar situation with my cousin's wife. She's a drama queen who has cheated on my cousin numerous times, and we had a huge argument a few months ago when she planned their two daughters' joint birthday party on the same date and time as my sister's baby shower (even though neither of her daughters' birthdays were even in that month and she had known about the shower for months). My mom and sister don't want to cause any more family drama, so they want to invite her, but I don't want her there. I told them that if anyone asks why she wasn't invited, they can direct the questions to me, and I'll tell people why she wasn't welcome.
My mom is the same way she doesn't want to create MORE drama and friction by NOT inviting her. I did the SAME thing as you, I told my mom if anyone asks why I would be more than happy to explain. Done and Done
So fast forward to dinner over the weekend. She very suddenly asks me about the baby (even though we've been in the house for literally 6 hours already with no mention). She says half-joking (I think?) that it would be great if he were born on her daughter's birthday which is in May. I'm due MAY FIRST. So I say, "Oh, when is her birthday?" She replied "May 28th." I laugh, because she of course must be joking, and say "Well there's no chance of that then!" And she replies, quite seriously, "well you never know, he could be late!" So I say "Uhh, actually I do know, because they don't let you stay pregnant that long..." And her reply was again "Well, you never know what's going to happen."
Lady. Seriously. Yes, I do know that my doctor is not going to let me stay pregnant for 45 weeks.
Now the FIL is where the majority of the problems come in. He is a toxic parents and sends DH on guilt trips all the time. He is capable of doing things himself, but he refuses. He has to have someone else do them for him. He expects you do drop what you are doing and do his stuff for him or he will send you on a guilt trip. He knows I won't take that BS but DH will. One time it was so bad and DH was so upset of the massive guilt trip his dad put on him he was bawling like a baby. I dislike my FIL mainly b/c of how he treats DH.
A little back ground info. When DH was little, his dad made them (his dad, his mom, and him) go to his PawPaw and MawMaw's house EVERY night for supper. We are talking 365 days a year. It scares me that he might expect us to do the same thing and see him every day. It scares me that IF he expects that, what kind of guilt trip he might try to pull on my DH. I've already told DH that if his dad expects that then he is in for a big surprise b/c we will NOT be doing that. DH agrees with me on it, HOWEVER he has not learned how to tell his dad no. So I'm very afraid of any expectations that my in-laws may or may not have once the baby is born. I'm worrying about this way ahead of time I know.
First Pregnancy
Second Pregnancy
- BFP: 09/11/2015
- EDD: 05/25/2016
Baby Born04/15/2016
PGAL
DS1: May 2016
DS2: Jan 2019
Baby #3 EDD: 6/18/24
She also mentioned that I "changed"since getting married; she doesn't understand how my view of her has flipped. I told her that after the ultimatum convo she forced my husband and I to have with her or she was threatening to leave that night and miss the wedding, my view of her definitely has changed. She was hostile and defensive when DH begged her to stay for the wedding, told her he wants to move on and apologized for the past. All she did was shoot him daggers and ignore him. So yeah, my vision of this perfect mother shattered. Especially since DH has been telling me for years how HE sees her. That conversation was an eye opener. Now she wants to know how to move on with him? She seemed shocked when I told her he is done with her and wants nothing to do with her. He tried 48 hours before our wedding. After our vows, she could barely choke out a "congrats". She told us at the alter she "dropped our rings in the sand". Why would he want to make nice with her after this?
Now she thinks we are BFFS again (even though she told me that we are "not peers" and pretty much said that I should be the one making all efforts to have a relationship with her). I am walking a very fine line here. If I let her back in, DH will say he told me so and accuse me of being under her spell again. If I hold her at a distance, she will blame him. I am still not sure entirely what to do, but think limited contact (ie, maybe one weekly call to check in, a visit here and there) might be the best. When LO is here, I can't tell her she can't visit, but that is a delicate topic in our house right now.
I just find it interesting that after all of this, she still cannot admit that what she did and said was wrong, admit her mistake in it, and just apologize.
This actually needs a bit of a backstory to put it into context. I hosted my sister's baby shower back in October with the help of my SIL. My mother never offered to help with anything for her own daughter's shower, even though she lives in the same town, doesn't work, has plenty of free time, and this was her first grandchild that she said she was so excited for. It wasn't even my SIL's relative, but since she loves party planning and my sister, and she knows I live out of state, she did a lot of the leg work of scouting out local venues and vendors. My mom showed zero interest in helping. I have always been my mother's favorite child, and I have always felt bad for my sister because our mom hasn't made much of an effort to hide that fact over the years. She will occasionally bring up - in front of my sister - about how upset she was when she found out she was pregnant with my sister because it "wasn't fair" to me that I wouldn't get all of our parents' attention anymore. It's just so messed up!
I announced to my family that I was pregnant the day after my sister's shower because I was in town and wanted to it in person, but (knowing my mother) I wanted to make sure my sis was still the sole focus of her shower. After she found out I was expecting, my mom barely acknowledged my sister's pregnancy. I flew in for my niece's birth, and I stayed at my sis and BIL's house nearby so I could drive to the hospital to see them every day until they came home (my sis had to have a c-section, so she wasn't released for several days). My mom was so upset that I didn't stay with my dad and her, even though they live almost an hour away from my sister's hospital. My mom came to the hospital for the birth, but she didn't come to visit them again until they were already home. My dad came to visit them every evening in the hospital, but my mom was too "busy" to come with him for the first week or so. She now only visits my niece every few weeks and only when my sister calls and asks her to. My mom even went so far as to tell me on the phone the other day that she was so excited to meet my baby because, while she loves her 3-month-old granddaughter, it's just "going to be different" because she's my sister's baby, and mine is just going to be "so special." Even though she (hopefully) hasn't said anything like that in front of my sister, I got of the phone and started sobbing because it broke my heart for my sister and niece who I love so much. I mean, seriously...WTF!?
Based on all that, the fact that my mom is so interested in planning my shower really pisses me off. I know I should just be grateful that that she's excited for my baby and wants to make this shower special for me, but the fact that she showed zero interest in my sister's shower just a few months ago and now barely acknowledges her granddaughter really upsets me. According to my sister and SIL, my mom has made all these Pinterest boards (I didn't even know she knew what Pinterest was!), and she's trying to take over the shower. My SIL doesn't feel like it's her place to tell her to back off, and my sister, who has a 3-month-old and just started back to work full time, hasn't had the time or energy to sit my mom and try to explain to her that they've got it covered. I guess my mom and my aunt (her sister) met at a different venue yesterday and sent pictures to my sister and SIL, saying that place was so much nicer than the venue that was booked (which is a perfectly fine place), so they want to change it to this place. The invitations went out a couple of days ago, and people should be getting them any day now. No, crazy lady, it's too late to change it! Not to mention, that place costs double. I'm trying to stay out of it, but I feel bad for my sister and SIL who have put so much into planning this shower, only to have my mom try to hijack it at the last minute. My fear is that I'll fly in that weekend, and there are going to be two separate showers for me! And I'm not sure why my aunt is even involved in this. She didn't offer to do anything to help with my sister's shower, so why the sudden interest in mine? Why does my mom have to be so BSC!? I swear, my family can't do anything together without WWIII breaking out!
Wow. That's awful. How can your mom be so heartless toward your sister? I think perhaps the only thing to do is to empower your SIL to put her foot down and tell your mom and your aunt it's all already taken care of and too late to change.
Maybe she can suggest that if they like the venue so much they can use it to host your niece's first birthday party:)
And even if your mother takes out her wrath on your SIL, you can promise SIL your and your sister's undying affection and loyalty:) She sounds awesome.
She now has this idea that being the best grandma she can be to our baby girl is now her purpose in life. We do not agree with her and have told her she can be in LO's life but with boundaries. She doesn't accept this. When she asked who will be caring for LO when I return to work after maternity, she flipped out when I said we've decided my mother (who's a stay at home mom) will be caring for her. That started a huge fight because she wants to care for LO in her trailer that she rents from a friend and shares a bedroom with her daughter and daughter's girlfriend. It is absurd. They are chain smokers and it is not an environment my husband and I want our LO in. She didn't take that news well.
Next thing she pulls is telling me that we better notify her the minute we go into labor and to the hospital because she wants to be there no matter what. That's not happening. I do not want her there while I am trying to deliver a baby because she stresses me out. My husband agrees. We basically told her this but she isn't accepting it.
Last thing she told me was that she knows my husband is taking 2 weeks off work when LO arrives but that she wants to be at our house as well to keep up with cooking, laundry and caring for the dog. I appreciate her offer but I do not want her there. She will stress me out and I plan on being half naked most of the time trying to figure out breastfeeding LO. I just want it to be me, hubby and LO until we get things figured out on our own. I told her this is our decision and she still doesn't seem to accept it.
I am nervous just thinking about what she is going to try and pull during our labor and after LO arrives. She drives me nuts. Luckily my husband agrees and supports my decisions with his mom but at the same time he doesn't communicate with her so I have to end up telling her everything like I am the bad guy. All of it just stresses me out and causes me to dislike my MIL more than I should and I hate feeling like that about another person.
end rant.
p.s. When we found out the gender of LO, first place we stopped was my MIL's to tell her and his sister. Before we could even get home, both of them had posted to Facebook telling everyone we know our news that our first baby was a girl! We were furious. I should have known that was the beginning of the hell I'd endure from them during this pregnancy.
I grew up with a really badly paired set of parents. My dad has anger issues, screams relentlessly, and will never back down, admit hes wrong, or try and fix anything ever. He was not loving, caring, compassionate or anything you would hope to have in a father. He provided financially and that was all. My mother much more on the timid side, had one type of narcissistic mother herself, which turned her into the other type of narcissistic mother called more of an ''engulfing'' type. However also had no ability to really express love, and while she was more 'there' in many cases, she definitely did not make up where dad was lacking at all. They very very much enabled each other. She never ever stood up for me to him, when he was always screaming about something insane and unreasonable She allowed him to break me down and scream at me for being horribly wrong even if what i did or didnt do wasnt a big deal at all. - She being super overly sensitive got hurt easily (so do i) but then he would stand up for her to the ends of the earth even when she was clearly over reacting or expecting selfish things. I was never allowed to say or do anything that either of them disagreed with. I treated as if i was a very bad kid, but never really did anything you would normally consider to be wrong, I was too terrified because I knew what this much lesser level was life. I wouldnt dare actually do anything bad. If I was in trouble its because I was bad at math, or couldn't swallow pills. I was never allowed to show my true colors or opinions if they were different from theirs. I fought tooth and nail to be allowed to have my alternative style and enjoy the things i liked, but was always obvious there was a undercurrent of disapproval. I learned to keep to myself, teach myself, and grow as my own person, but constantly opted to keep most of it to myself. I learned how to hide myself from them while letting them think i wasnt.
Fast forward to now.... After years of therapy and work i have come to terms with the fact that i was pretty severely emotionally/mentally abused (obviously much more than i can write in this post) and that it has severely effected me as an adult. I have spent much of the past few years trying to relearn a lot of things, trying to understand that the others around me aren't really constantly emotionally abandoning me, that not everyone is constantly against me and i dont need to spend ever second defending each and every one of my actions, that i can actually trust some people sometimes, I can give up control sometimes and that i actually did a pretty okay job of raising myself because I turned out much more level headed than either of them.
Finally once the decision was made to have a baby and i had someone else to stand up for besides myself, i began to disconnect from them. I began to stand up for myself when i was being bombarded with judgemental comments, with my mother expecting her feelings to go before mine, and really working to take my power back. That turned into about 8 full months of them both trying very hard to hurt me, take things from me, threaten me, any possible way they could keep their power over me. But i opted not to allow it, and slowly I came to terms with being willing to lose absolutely everything relative to them, including that entire side of my family. Because I needed to make sure that my daughter never had to see grandma treat her mother like that. To make sure i could personally heal how i needed to to make sure i would not repeat any of those things onto my daughter. It took 8 months before my mother finally snapped and gave up, and its been about 2 months now of her understanding i am in control, i have the power and i will make every single decision for me and baby girl. She knows if she slips up, shes getting cut off again, and she will never be in the baby's life. Because i have made it clear i am willing to lose everything she thought she has over me. That being side, my dad is still off somewhere calling me names and telling everyone how I am satan incarnate. But thats whatever, He can be that way if hes okay with never knowing his only grandchild. His problem, not mine, or baby girl's.
So yes! I have some experience with parental drama. Just to touch on the other side. FIL passed away before i ever knew him, MIL has her days where shes awesome and days where she is purely insane. But for the most shes a very minute issue.
Your story of growth, resiliance, and empowerment is so awesome. I give you all the loves and high fives. I know it's a hard process, but the strength your are gaining is so worth it. You're parents are FAR from perfect, and their version of right and wrong is toxic (and probably hypocritical).
My mother uses love as a tool for manipulation, and since the personal growth/ boundary phase she and my step dad are aloof, but respectful. They know they have no power over me or my relationship, and although it would be nice if we were closer, it is what it is.
BTW, My mom still does her love withholding manipulation stuff with my 28 yo sister.
Mama to Three Girls:
Twins born March 2014 at 26 weeks due to preterm labor
and our 37weeker born May 9th, 2016!
Over the weekend at the IL's MIL wanted to talk about the potential names. My DH said he didn't want to talk about it anymore (it's a frequent topic) she kept pushing and he said he didn't care. FIL then gets upset for a combination of us not wanting to talk about it and because we shot down the name he likes. He likes Zayn/Zane. I said that I feel it's too popular due to the one direction kid and I'm trying to stay away from names that he would run into a lot of others with the same name. DH doesn't like the name so it's not really even a conversation. FIL was cold to us the rest of the night, which seams so immature. They had the chance to name their kids! If we don't like something and have a polite response deal with it.
I've tried to tell DH we shouldn't talk about names with people because everyone has an opinion but he's really bad about keeping his mouth shut.
Now my mom ruined the surprise to her by guessing the name and backing me into a corner. I cried (legit cried) about it last night.
Is it terrible that I kind of like that we're using a name I know she isn't in favor of? I swear she's the pushiest woman I've ever met.
What's with the IL's and their opinions! Glad it's not just mine.
I asked my mom for one sentence advice on names, and she said the tone of the name mattered more than the actual name. For example, my name is Joana and she said she knew my name would have the tone of "duh DUH duh".
After awhile we opened up names again, but that was after I knew my baby's name tone, what was important to me in terms of name history, and had a short list. It really helped. When we picked our name my family had a fun time coming up with all the nicknames and now they love the name.
The itinerary for their visit involves about 4 to 7 miles of walking per day, depending on how ambitious they want to get with their sightseeing. Also they're expecting me to take a day and a half off work to do this with them (keeping in mind that I am currently busting my ass to get my caseload resolved before heading out on maternity).
This is gonna be fan-tastic.
Can't wait until the baby is here and she gives her opinions on how we're raising it!
I need to find a way to ask my MIL to stop narrating our interactions for LO. It's annoying!
Most of the time when I see her she greets me, says hi and then says Hi Elizabeth (the unborn lol). NBD. But she also has this newer habit of narrating life to Elizabeth. At first it was a little odd but tolerable. She'd say things like, "Elizabeth it's Good Friday and all your dads family has gotten together to go see a play your mom's family has invited us to." This weekend she started narrating even more though, "Elizabeth your moms decided to take the stairs instead of the elevator." "Elizabeth your mom is having salad for dinner." WOMAN WILL YOU SHUT UP! In those moments I feel 100% judged and invisible at the exact same time.
My MIL is such a case of "bless her heart." She tries. Seriously. This is her trying to be social and nice but she's also incredibly awkward. She tells stories about being fat and without friends growing up. Never going to prom or other dances and sporting events and this is why. She doesn't know how to connect with people. And I end up feeling like a bitch because I lose patience.
DD: 05/14/16