@yogahh don't give in or roll over for her. This is a precious and monumental time for yourself, your husband, and baby, and she's trying to strong arm her way in. It is time to make it known your nuclear family is THE priority, and will be protected from outside influences.
Lets be honest, your mother is inconsiderate of others feelings and has been vicious in the past; even if she got her way and stayed with you the odds of her being on her best behavior and not verbally abusing your husband or yourself are slim.
I agree, and hopefully once she sees that she isn't going to get her way she will adjust...although from everything you've said, it doesn't seem likely. You're right, you have a new family now that needs to be your priority. Frankly anyone who doesn't understand that, family or friend or whatever, shouldn't be on the guest list while you are learning your new dynamic.
Also FWIW I think it was pretty "hands on" for you to reach out to her and suggest a date that she come to meet her granddaughter, esp in light of how she's behaved.
@yogahh don't give in or roll over for her. This is a precious and monumental time for yourself, your husband, and baby, and she's trying to strong arm her way in. It is time to make it known your nuclear family is THE priority, and will be protected from outside influences.
Lets be honest, your mother is inconsiderate of others feelings and has been vicious in the past; even if she got her way and stayed with you the odds of her being on her best behavior and not verbally abusing your husband or yourself are slim.
I agree, and hopefully once she sees that she isn't going to get her way she will adjust...although from everything you've said, it doesn't seem likely. You're right, you have a new family now that needs to be your priority. Frankly anyone who doesn't understand that, family or friend or whatever, shouldn't be on the guest list while you are learning your new dynamic.
Also FWIW I think it was pretty "hands on" for you to reach out to her and suggest a date that she come to meet her granddaughter, esp in light of how she's behaved.
Thanks ladies. It feels good to hear that I'm not being a horrible person, and that putting my family first is what's important now.
Oh my...I just had a lovely conversation with moms "bff"that I have known since birth. Mom asked her to unfriend me on FB because apparently we are in middle school. BFF agrees that I need to protect my family and put MY family first, and even said half the time she doesn't answer when my mom calls her as she doesn't want to deal with the drama and negativity. Apparently as soon as I announced our wedding plans, she was on the phone with BFF complaining about me and the plans. BFF only knows some of the story. For example, mom told BFF I called her a psychopath; actually it was HER that called my husband that along with other choice words. She doesn't know about my mom just showing up on my doorstep in January (its a 7 hour drive) and the "talk" we had that she told me I was misconstruing "bad jokes" and I never got an apology. I told her about the email that mother of the year sent me calling me a bitch, a disappointment, telling me I should let people see the "real" me. Yeahhh....if that didn't seal the deal, this conversation did. She is re-writing the story to anyone that will listen to make me the bad guy. All because I offered her a compromise to meet her 1st grandchild that didn't fit with her plans. I even told BFF that I am considered high risk now because of my high BP- mom knows this, and instead of putting the drama to bed, would rather amp it up with 1 month until my due date. BFF said she had no idea. BFF also thinks that maybe mom asked her to unfriend me so that she wouldn't get the full story from me. But again, mom doesn't know how I think she is "manipulative"??
Just have to rant. MIL keeps referring to everything as "we". Like we only have one month to go! Uhh I don't think birth is a team sport. I don't know why but it just bugs me everytime! Heck I only need me, baby and my OB everyone else is optional to get this LO out!
Just have to rant. MIL keeps referring to everything as "we". Like we only have one month to go! Uhh I don't think birth is a team sport. I don't know why but it just bugs me everytime! Heck I only need me, baby and my OB everyone else is optional to get this LO out!
Yeah my mil does the same with "we" ... And says "our" baby .... I know she means well but it also does drive me nuts .
Speaking of MIL, she is obsessed with facebook. I do not have to worry because no other parent has any social media (thank God), but she does. I am worried that she is going to live FB any info she gets about the birth and then post immediately when LO is born. I am really not okay with this, I told DH I don't even want anyone waiting around in the waiting room while I am in labor to begin with, but then live FB-ing!! So basically I told DH to have a chat with his mom about NO social media until we say its okay. I don't want the whole world to know what is going on until DH and I are ready to make an announcement - we don't need our phones blowing up when that can virtually be avoided. I know she is really super excited its her first grandbaby but she can be a bit much at times. For example she texted me a couple weeks ago about buying LO a wipe warmer, and I said "thanks but no thanks". She still goes out and buys it and gives it to DH. It's frustrating she doesn't listen to me, so whatever, that will be DH fun chat with her soon about boundaries. He also gets to explain to her that she isn't coming home with us from the hospital. DH and I decided we need time to adjust and bond as a family of three for a couple days before the rest of the crew comes over to visit.
What is the most crazy thing of all here is I really thought from the beginning I was going to have more issues with my own mom rather than MIL....but somehow that changed. I am very thankful my mom has been understanding and respectful of the boundaries I have set up for my family.
@yogahh, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You are doing the right thing. I know when I am sometimes torn between my husband and my original family, I tell myself that I made vows to him not them. Those vows included putting him above all others and let no one come between. So when they give me trouble ( which is very rare) , I console myself with the knowledge that I am simply upholding the promises I made to him on my wedding day.
Kudos to you for having the courage to put your new family first. Unfortunately, that does't always happen. Many times, people will throw their spouses under the bus because God forbid they upset their mommies and daddies.
Speaking of MIL, she is obsessed with facebook. I do not have to worry because no other parent has any social media (thank God), but she does. I am worried that she is going to live FB any info she gets about the birth and then post immediately when LO is born. I am really not okay with this, I told DH I don't even want anyone waiting around in the waiting room while I am in labor to begin with, but then live FB-ing!! So basically I told DH to have a chat with his mom about NO social media until we say its okay. I don't want the whole world to know what is going on until DH and I are ready to make an announcement - we don't need our phones blowing up when that can virtually be avoided. I know she is really super excited its her first grandbaby but she can be a bit much at times. For example she texted me a couple weeks ago about buying LO a wipe warmer, and I said "thanks but no thanks". She still goes out and buys it and gives it to DH. It's frustrating she doesn't listen to me, so whatever, that will be DH fun chat with her soon about boundaries. He also gets to explain to her that she isn't coming home with us from the hospital. DH and I decided we need time to adjust and bond as a family of three for a couple days before the rest of the crew comes over to visit.
What is the most crazy thing of all here is I really thought from the beginning I was going to have more issues with my own mom rather than MIL....but somehow that changed. I am very thankful my mom has been understanding and respectful of the boundaries I have set up for my family.
my MIL is the same way and I'm terrified of that happening. When we announced to her we were pregnant the first thing I said after that was, please don't put this on Facebook until you've seen we have. Pretty much every big thing I've had to say that. I need to make sure to tell her that before the big day gets here because I'm sure I won't think of it then.
Speaking of MIL, she is obsessed with facebook. I do not have to worry because no other parent has any social media (thank God), but she does. I am worried that she is going to live FB any info she gets about the birth and then post immediately when LO is born. I am really not okay with this, I told DH I don't even want anyone waiting around in the waiting room while I am in labor to begin with, but then live FB-ing!! So basically I told DH to have a chat with his mom about NO social media until we say its okay. I don't want the whole world to know what is going on until DH and I are ready to make an announcement - we don't need our phones blowing up when that can virtually be avoided. I know she is really super excited its her first grandbaby but she can be a bit much at times. For example she texted me a couple weeks ago about buying LO a wipe warmer, and I said "thanks but no thanks". She still goes out and buys it and gives it to DH. It's frustrating she doesn't listen to me, so whatever, that will be DH fun chat with her soon about boundaries. He also gets to explain to her that she isn't coming home with us from the hospital. DH and I decided we need time to adjust and bond as a family of three for a couple days before the rest of the crew comes over to visit.
What is the most crazy thing of all here is I really thought from the beginning I was going to have more issues with my own mom rather than MIL....but somehow that changed. I am very thankful my mom has been understanding and respectful of the boundaries I have set up for my family.
my MIL is the same way and I'm terrified of that happening. When we announced to her we were pregnant the first thing I said after that was, please don't put this on Facebook until you've seen we have. Pretty much every big thing I've had to say that. I need to make sure to tell her that before the big day gets here because I'm sure I won't think of it then.
Oh lord I forgot about the announcement drama went went thru ...but anyways yes make sure you tell her well before the big day to avoid any unwanted social media drama with mil
Speaking of MIL, she is obsessed with facebook. I do not have to worry because no other parent has any social media (thank God), but she does. I am worried that she is going to live FB any info she gets about the birth and then post immediately when LO is born. I am really not okay with this, I told DH I don't even want anyone waiting around in the waiting room while I am in labor to begin with, but then live FB-ing!! So basically I told DH to have a chat with his mom about NO social media until we say its okay. I don't want the whole world to know what is going on until DH and I are ready to make an announcement - we don't need our phones blowing up when that can virtually be avoided.
my MIL is the same way and I'm terrified of that happening. When we announced to her we were pregnant the first thing I said after that was, please don't put this on Facebook until you've seen we have. Pretty much every big thing I've had to say that. I need to make sure to tell her that before the big day gets here because I'm sure I won't think of it then.
I have a relative like this. Said relative pushed and pushed to post the birth before us even when told not to and that we didn't want to be rushed. The individual also wanted to give out our hospital and room # to various FB inquires. They then set up an album with LO to share with all 500 of their closest friends with about 100 pictures. This was after knowing we didn't want that for our child. There is more, so much more, but that just pertains to the FB part.
This pregnancy the person posted our pregnancy news before we had even told more than 3 people on the planet and after we specifically told those 3 people not to post anything or share our news and gave a date when they could (after the first appointment). Within the hour it was posted. I didn't know it but had people contacting me directly asking if it was true. Then when I called the person on it privately, it got ugly immediately. No apologies; only mean things to say about how I should let them, etc.
For the above and other major boundary reasons the relative will not be involved with this birth and the information train stopped completely.
I hadn't spoken to my mom since the day after we delivered. I just called and thought she might want an update since she hadn't asked for babies' NICU progress, confirmation on names, birth weights, etc. The kind of stuff you'd think a new grandma would want to know.
I've posted previously about her controlling and abusive husband. One minute into the call she says "[a hole name redacted] needs the phone and we have to go get our taxes done by 2:30."
I hadn't spoken to my mom since the day after we delivered. I just called and thought she might want an update since she hadn't asked for babies' NICU progress, confirmation on names, birth weights, etc. The kind of stuff you'd think a new grandma would want to know.
I've posted previously about her controlling and abusive husband. One minute into the call she says "[a hole name redacted] needs the phone and we have to go get our taxes done by 2:30."
Wow. I just can't even.
I'm sorry. I am also having issues with my mom, and know how hard it is at this time especially not to have the support of your mother.
How are the babies? You? Do you have a ETA on when they will be able to go home?
@khochanadel I'm sorry your mom isn't being more supportive, especially considering your birth experience! I hope she comes around. I hope you and your LOs are doing well!
I'm really dreading the days/weeks following our LO's birth. It should be a happy time, but I anticipate being incredibly stressed because of family issues. Both my family and DH's live out of state (different states), and our parents will be coming to town when LO is born. My ILs have a vacation condo across town and will be staying there. MIL and FIL will be booking flights to come here as soon as they get a call from us that we are at the hospital, but they probably won't be here until the next day, depending on when they can get a flight out. MIL works for the school system and has been banking her PTO so that she can (hopefully) stay here from the time of the birth through the rest of the school year (the end of May). MIL plans to stay at their condo all summer and be available to help/visit as needed. She is really good about boundaries, and I anticipate her being a big help without overstepping - especially since she won't be staying with us. FIL plans to stay a week or so (he owns his own business, so his schedule is somewhat flexible), but he will probably be back and forth most of the summer while MIL is here.
My mom wants to come and stay with us about a week before my due date and then for a couple of weeks after LO is born. My dad plans to fly in when he gets a call from us that we're at the hospital. I'm looking forward to my dad being here because he's really laid back and doesn't stress me out at all, but I don't want my mom here for that long - especially without my dad here. My mom is very high-strung, has boundary problems, and our personalities often clash. My dad can usually "reign her in" when she becomes too much. She means well, but extended visits with her - even without the added stress of L&D, a newborn, recovery, etc. - often lead to huge blowups between us. (Example: Following a serious accident I had about a year and a half ago, my mom flew in (uninvited) while I was still in the hospital. Because she couldn't afford a hotel and my house was 2+ hours away, she slept on the bench in the hospital waiting room and basically used my hospital room/bathroom as a hotel. She insisted on watching her stupid TV shows while I was trying to rest and didn't really do anything to help me. When I was finally discharged 2 weeks later, she came back to our house with us and stayed for another 2 weeks. She cooked a couple of meals but wasn't otherwise particularly helpful, she was disrespectful toward DH, and I felt like I had to entertain her rather than relax and recover. I finally told her she had to leave, which led to a huge blowup.) The idea of having her here when I go into labor (even if only in the waiting room or at my house across town) stresses me out to no end. DH and I also want to be able to come home from the hospital with our new baby and settle in without having other people there 24/7. It's one thing if DH's parents want to come over during the day, but they will eventually go back to their condo. If my parents are staying with us, we will have no privacy - and no 1 on 1 time with LO - unless we go to our room. I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own house just to get some alone time with DH and our son. My mom has already mentioned about how jealous she is that MIL gets to be here all summer. I think she's fishing for an invitation to stay with us even longer, which isn't going to happen. I do feel bad that MIL will get more bonding time with LO than my mom will, but I'm still trying to mentally prepare myself for my mom to be here a week or so. I can already tell that we're going to have to have a talk about a definite date she is leaving.
I've thought about asking my parents to wait until we've had time to get settled in before visiting, but it wouldn't be fair to my parents (or to me) if DH's parents got to see LO immediately and be here for his first few days and they didn't. To be clear, I do want my parents here to meet LO right away and to share that time with me. I just don't want them (really, my mom) at my house full time. If it were just my dad coming, I don't think I would feel this way. We live in an overpriced beach resort town where hotel prices are outrageous, otherwise I would ask my parents to get a hotel nearby so they could just visit during the day and we could still have some privacy. My parents have had some financial difficulties lately, and I know that if they didn't stay with us they wouldn't be able to afford to come at all. I'm planning to ask my mom to just wait until we call them and come down with my dad rather than coming early, but I'm still dreading coming home from the hospital to a house full of people.
Thanks, fellow mothers of Maybies (although mine came in April). Babies are doing incredibly well considering their age and size. Well ahead of the curve on meeting their milestones to get to go home. Hard to give an exact timeline on when that will be; it all depends on how and when they meet those milestones!
My mom called me back and I gave her updates on the babies. She said she didn't call because she figured I would be busy at home... with my babies in the nicu... didn't even ask their names. Said she's sending me a letter. Guess I'll find it when I go home next.
@khochanadel I'm sorry your mom isn't being more supportive, especially considering your birth experience! I hope she comes around. I hope you and your LOs are doing well!
I'm really dreading the days/weeks following our LO's birth. It should be a happy time, but I anticipate being incredibly stressed because of family issues. Both my family and DH's live out of state (different states), and our parents will be coming to town when LO is born. My ILs have a vacation condo across town and will be staying there. MIL and FIL will be booking flights to come here as soon as they get a call from us that we are at the hospital, but they probably won't be here until the next day, depending on when they can get a flight out. MIL works for the school system and has been banking her PTO so that she can (hopefully) stay here from the time of the birth through the rest of the school year (the end of May). MIL plans to stay at their condo all summer and be available to help/visit as needed. She is really good about boundaries, and I anticipate her being a big help without overstepping - especially since she won't be staying with us. FIL plans to stay a week or so (he owns his own business, so his schedule is somewhat flexible), but he will probably be back and forth most of the summer while MIL is here.
My mom wants to come and stay with us about a week before my due date and then for a couple of weeks after LO is born. My dad plans to fly in when he gets a call from us that we're at the hospital. I'm looking forward to my dad being here because he's really laid back and doesn't stress me out at all, but I don't want my mom here for that long - especially without my dad here. My mom is very high-strung, has boundary problems, and our personalities often clash. My dad can usually "reign her in" when she becomes too much. She means well, but extended visits with her - even without the added stress of L&D, a newborn, recovery, etc. - often lead to huge blowups between us. (Example: Following a serious accident I had about a year and a half ago, my mom flew in (uninvited) while I was still in the hospital. Because she couldn't afford a hotel and my house was 2+ hours away, she slept on the bench in the hospital waiting room and basically used my hospital room/bathroom as a hotel. She insisted on watching her stupid TV shows while I was trying to rest and didn't really do anything to help me. When I was finally discharged 2 weeks later, she came back to our house with us and stayed for another 2 weeks. She cooked a couple of meals but wasn't otherwise particularly helpful, she was disrespectful toward DH, and I felt like I had to entertain her rather than relax and recover. I finally told her she had to leave, which led to a huge blowup.) The idea of having her here when I go into labor (even if only in the waiting room or at my house across town) stresses me out to no end. DH and I also want to be able to come home from the hospital with our new baby and settle in without having other people there 24/7. It's one thing if DH's parents want to come over during the day, but they will eventually go back to their condo. If my parents are staying with us, we will have no privacy - and no 1 on 1 time with LO - unless we go to our room. I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own house just to get some alone time with DH and our son. My mom has already mentioned about how jealous she is that MIL gets to be here all summer. I think she's fishing for an invitation to stay with us even longer, which isn't going to happen. I do feel bad that MIL will get more bonding time with LO than my mom will, but I'm still trying to mentally prepare myself for my mom to be here a week or so. I can already tell that we're going to have to have a talk about a definite date she is leaving.
I've thought about asking my parents to wait until we've had time to get settled in before visiting, but it wouldn't be fair to my parents (or to me) if DH's parents got to see LO immediately and be here for his first few days and they didn't. To be clear, I do want my parents here to meet LO right away and to share that time with me. I just don't want them (really, my mom) at my house full time. If it were just my dad coming, I don't think I would feel this way. We live in an overpriced beach resort town where hotel prices are outrageous, otherwise I would ask my parents to get a hotel nearby so they could just visit during the day and we could still have some privacy. My parents have had some financial difficulties lately, and I know that if they didn't stay with us they wouldn't be able to afford to come at all. I'm planning to ask my mom to just wait until we call them and come down with my dad rather than coming early, but I'm still dreading coming home from the hospital to a house full of people.
Sorry for the novel - just needed to vent.
Would you feel comfortable asking MIL if your mom can stay with her at their condo? That way you can have the alone time and your mom doesn't have to pay for a hotel!
I'm really dreading the days/weeks following our LO's birth. It should be a happy time, but I anticipate being incredibly stressed because of family issues. Both my family and DH's live out of state (different states), and our parents will be coming to town when LO is born. My ILs have a vacation condo across town and will be staying there. MIL and FIL will be booking flights to come here as soon as they get a call from us that we are at the hospital, but they probably won't be here until the next day, depending on when they can get a flight out. MIL works for the school system and has been banking her PTO so that she can (hopefully) stay here from the time of the birth through the rest of the school year (the end of May). MIL plans to stay at their condo all summer and be available to help/visit as needed. She is really good about boundaries, and I anticipate her being a big help without overstepping - especially since she won't be staying with us. FIL plans to stay a week or so (he owns his own business, so his schedule is somewhat flexible), but he will probably be back and forth most of the summer while MIL is here.
My mom wants to come and stay with us about a week before my due date and then for a couple of weeks after LO is born. My dad plans to fly in when he gets a call from us that we're at the hospital. I'm looking forward to my dad being here because he's really laid back and doesn't stress me out at all, but I don't want my mom here for that long - especially without my dad here. My mom is very high-strung, has boundary problems, and our personalities often clash. My dad can usually "reign her in" when she becomes too much. She means well, but extended visits with her - even without the added stress of L&D, a newborn, recovery, etc. - often lead to huge blowups between us. (Example: Following a serious accident I had about a year and a half ago, my mom flew in (uninvited) while I was still in the hospital. Because she couldn't afford a hotel and my house was 2+ hours away, she slept on the bench in the hospital waiting room and basically used my hospital room/bathroom as a hotel. She insisted on watching her stupid TV shows while I was trying to rest and didn't really do anything to help me. When I was finally discharged 2 weeks later, she came back to our house with us and stayed for another 2 weeks. She cooked a couple of meals but wasn't otherwise particularly helpful, she was disrespectful toward DH, and I felt like I had to entertain her rather than relax and recover. I finally told her she had to leave, which led to a huge blowup.) The idea of having her here when I go into labor (even if only in the waiting room or at my house across town) stresses me out to no end. DH and I also want to be able to come home from the hospital with our new baby and settle in without having other people there 24/7. It's one thing if DH's parents want to come over during the day, but they will eventually go back to their condo. If my parents are staying with us, we will have no privacy - and no 1 on 1 time with LO - unless we go to our room. I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own house just to get some alone time with DH and our son. My mom has already mentioned about how jealous she is that MIL gets to be here all summer. I think she's fishing for an invitation to stay with us even longer, which isn't going to happen. I do feel bad that MIL will get more bonding time with LO than my mom will, but I'm still trying to mentally prepare myself for my mom to be here a week or so. I can already tell that we're going to have to have a talk about a definite date she is leaving.
I've thought about asking my parents to wait until we've had time to get settled in before visiting, but it wouldn't be fair to my parents (or to me) if DH's parents got to see LO immediately and be here for his first few days and they didn't. To be clear, I do want my parents here to meet LO right away and to share that time with me. I just don't want them (really, my mom) at my house full time. If it were just my dad coming, I don't think I would feel this way. We live in an overpriced beach resort town where hotel prices are outrageous, otherwise I would ask my parents to get a hotel nearby so they could just visit during the day and we could still have some privacy. My parents have had some financial difficulties lately, and I know that if they didn't stay with us they wouldn't be able to afford to come at all. I'm planning to ask my mom to just wait until we call them and come down with my dad rather than coming early, but I'm still dreading coming home from the hospital to a house full of people.
Sorry for the novel - just needed to vent.
You carried this baby 9 months, this is your baby. What kind of experience PP do you want? Whatever that looks like to you, make it happen. Obviously, you know what you don't want. So don't let it happen. If you, the mom, are stressed, that 100% impacts your baby, milk production, ability to rest, recover, and bond. Baby's needs come first over adult feelings.
Think about what you and your DH want for your baby. Then make it happen despite thinking about what everyone else wants/demands/feels entitled to. Hurt feelings might happen, but this is one area where it is okay to put your baby before other adult "wants". That is just part of the job description of being a parent doing what is best for you as a family, so no worries, it is entirely ok to start now and protect postpartum time.
You and DH figure out what you want, if you want your mom and dad to come to visit then leave after the hospital then make it happen. You don't have to justify, defend, argue, or explain.
It is better for her to be "mad" then drag your LO through it with her at your house and she will *still* be mad when you have to ask her to leave because you can't win. Since you can't win might as well let your LO win and you get the peace you and your family of 3 100% completely and totally deserve.
@camillaandcarson is 100% right. @swflJD ,the ball is in your court now and you have all the control in this situation. This won't be the last time you will have the choice between making your mom happy and making your new family happy, might as well rip off the bandaid now and put yourself, your husband and your baby first.
You really can't compare her situation with your MIL's. MIL has her own place, MIL respects boundaries. You don't have to make things " fair " for her sake. Your mom will have to get a hotel or wait until you are ready. End of story. What your MIL does is irrelevant.
Look, I have been on these boards since they began. One of the biggest regrets I see time and time again are from new moms who didn't put their foot down when it came to post partum guests. They were too afraid of hurting feelings but instead were miserable themselves. This is especially sad because you will never, ever get these precious few days / weeks back ever again. When they are gone, they are gone. So please learn from the mistake of those who had babies before. Put your family's needs to privacy, intimacy and bonding before your mom's feelings. In fact, I would say that disappointing your parents is part of growing up. I have had to disappoint my dad and my husband has had to disappoint his mom. They were really upset, his mom even cried, but they got over it. I would say our relationship has even improved since then as they are more respectful of boundaries and they know we won't be manipulated.
@Disneygeek77 Perfectly put. I would also add asking your in laws to take in your mom would be a mistake, since there seems to be a bit of jealousy and resentment already brewing. No need to have a war of the grandparents.
Thanks, @LemmyRN , and really, since we are talking fairness here, is that fair to your MIL ? Why should she be pushed to the side by not staying in your home all because she can afford a place of her own and she is respectful. Just saying that if she notices that your mom gets the oil because she is a squeaky wheel, your MIL might turn into a squeaky wheel too.
I don't know where else to put this, but here goes:
My MIL is a very sweet lady, we get along fine mostly. She has gone through some really bad times, and my DH as well when he was younger, so there is still some after-effects from that that influences her life. But she is a great lady. And she adores me.
Over this weekend she asked me who our guardians are for our children, and I had to tell her we went with my folks. They are both still alive, young enough and financially able to take care of our kids should something happen. I think she was a bit offended - but I did explain to her that's it's for those reasons. She is single and is still taking care of my 27 YO BIL - another reason we couldn't go with her.
My DH feels like we are excluding her a bit (my parents hosted the shower, are taking us big baby shopping etc) and since my Mom is a lady of leisure (haha) she has the time to properly help out once he's born.
We want to involve her more, but I have no idea how to do that as I am emotionally very drained and can't think of any ideas.
I don't know where else to put this, but here goes:
My MIL is a very sweet lady, we get along fine mostly. She has gone through some really bad times, and my DH as well when he was younger, so there is still some after-effects from that that influences her life. But she is a great lady. And she adores me.
Over this weekend she asked me who our guardians are for our children, and I had to tell her we went with my folks. They are both still alive, young enough and financially able to take care of our kids should something happen. I think she was a bit offended - but I did explain to her that's it's for those reasons. She is single and is still taking care of my 27 YO BIL - another reason we couldn't go with her.
My DH feels like we are excluding her a bit (my parents hosted the shower, are taking us big baby shopping etc) and since my Mom is a lady of leisure (haha) she has the time to properly help out once he's born.
We want to involve her more, but I have no idea how to do that as I am emotionally very drained and can't think of any ideas.
Ladies?
If she's as lovely as you say, I am sure she wasn't offended. Just be sure to give her as much time with baby as you are comfortable giving her, and let her know whenever you can how loved and valued she is. This grandparenting thing isn't a zero sum game, after all. It's not a competition, and I'm sure she knows that.
I don't know where else to put this, but here goes:
My MIL is a very sweet lady, we get along fine mostly. She has gone through some really bad times, and my DH as well when he was younger, so there is still some after-effects from that that influences her life. But she is a great lady. And she adores me.
Over this weekend she asked me who our guardians are for our children, and I had to tell her we went with my folks. They are both still alive, young enough and financially able to take care of our kids should something happen. I think she was a bit offended - but I did explain to her that's it's for those reasons. She is single and is still taking care of my 27 YO BIL - another reason we couldn't go with her.
My DH feels like we are excluding her a bit (my parents hosted the shower, are taking us big baby shopping etc) and since my Mom is a lady of leisure (haha) she has the time to properly help out once he's born.
We want to involve her more, but I have no idea how to do that as I am emotionally very drained and can't think of any ideas.
Ladies?
My MIL and mom can be this way sometimes- I try to involve them both but then MIL starts trying to take over stuff that I wanna do with my mom and then my mom gets upset. i think it can be hard for moms to learn to share, honestly. I mean, I don't think they ever imagine the OTHER grandma. But your MIL seems like a nice woman so I'm sure she'll be okay. I asked my mom point blank what activity or event or "baby thing" she wanted JUST for her. That way she can think about what is really important for her to have and I can do my best to give it to her. You could try that.
I don't know where else to put this, but here goes:
My MIL is a very sweet lady, we get along fine mostly. She has gone through some really bad times, and my DH as well when he was younger, so there is still some after-effects from that that influences her life. But she is a great lady. And she adores me.
Over this weekend she asked me who our guardians are for our children, and I had to tell her we went with my folks. They are both still alive, young enough and financially able to take care of our kids should something happen. I think she was a bit offended - but I did explain to her that's it's for those reasons. She is single and is still taking care of my 27 YO BIL - another reason we couldn't go with her.
My DH feels like we are excluding her a bit (my parents hosted the shower, are taking us big baby shopping etc) and since my Mom is a lady of leisure (haha) she has the time to properly help out once he's born.
We want to involve her more, but I have no idea how to do that as I am emotionally very drained and can't think of any ideas.
Ladies?
I have the same situation - or at least, very similar. My SO and I decided to have my parents are guardians, but we haven't told anyone but them yet. His MIL is single, flighty, and just started a career after 20-odd years of taking care of her kids, so it wouldn't be fair to expect her to drop all that and have her take up our kids. My FIL ... he's on his third wife, let's just say, that's not happening.
Even though we've agreed to this, my SO is super aware of possibly excluding his mother from things - which is only made worse when she finds out my parents have done anything for us (like when she found out last week that my mom sent me a crochet blanket for the baby, she immediately sent an embroidered pillow). He seems to think we should say nothing and hope nothing happens to us, that way no one will ever need to know the decision we've made ... I am so tempted to follow that plan, tbh, just so I don't hurt her feelings. But at the same time ... It also doesn't help that she'll be here after the baby's born (we live across the continent from our families, who actually live in the same city) driving me nuts by doing that thing she does where she rearranges all my stuff and begins to treat my SO as if he's 2 years old and completely helpless.
I have no good advice, in closing, just hugs to you from a gal in the same predicament. *hugs
I don't know where else to put this, but here goes:
My MIL is a very sweet lady, we get along fine mostly. She has gone through some really bad times, and my DH as well when he was younger, so there is still some after-effects from that that influences her life. But she is a great lady. And she adores me.
Over this weekend she asked me who our guardians are for our children, and I had to tell her we went with my folks. They are both still alive, young enough and financially able to take care of our kids should something happen. I think she was a bit offended - but I did explain to her that's it's for those reasons. She is single and is still taking care of my 27 YO BIL - another reason we couldn't go with her.
My DH feels like we are excluding her a bit (my parents hosted the shower, are taking us big baby shopping etc) and since my Mom is a lady of leisure (haha) she has the time to properly help out once he's born.
We want to involve her more, but I have no idea how to do that as I am emotionally very drained and can't think of any ideas.
Ladies?
If she seams like she's feeling left out you could ask her if there are any traditions she'd like to start with your LO, or maybe get her a piece of jewelry with a grandmother charm just so she knows you appreciate her. A small gesture might be all it takes to remind her that she is an important part of your and LO's life!
You should tell your DH that just because your parents took you shopping etc. does not mean his mom should feel left out. They are in different palaces as grandparents and there's no need to compare, everyone will be happy when you're LO arrives!
DH asked my MIL if she wanted to come help sort out the last nursery stuff and she is so excited. I will serve breakfast and hopefully this will help assure her that we do want her involved!
Very fortunate to have an involved MIL, however I'm still going crazy when she trys to predict things. She feels my belly and tells me I haven't dropped, well the OB said baby is at 0 station... so I'm going to go with the professional. And also some weeks it's -1 and then back to 0. It does not mean much right now! She had a dream which day he would be born on and keeps saying he's going to be early (also has a dream that we would have a girl).
I'm very much of the mentality that baby could be up to nearly 2 weeks past the EDD, so it's driving me crazy her saying he's coming next week when I could have 4 more weeks still.
Does anyone have someone in their life like this? What do you do? I smile and nod but I'm going crazy and want to be left alone right now. She doesn't realize it's stressful! she keeps quoting internet statistics about when he's likely to arrive. He will come when he comes. You think I need more wonky statistics to think about?!
@Lusitano8 I have some family members like this. I generally just tell them something like, "I know that you're really excited and have ideas, but I'm going to trust the professional's evaluation on this one." Or in the case of due dates, "Don't get up your hopes up counting on him coming early. I want him to stay until he's ready, which could be a while." Then, either smile and shake your head...or repeat yourself calmly if they try to push their point again.
MIL sent me a random article from the web yesterday titled " the ten ways you will be uncomfortable in the 3rd trimester". The article offered no advice or tips, just letting the reader know all the ways you can be miserable. UM thanks...because I am pretty sure I experience all ten everyday all day so I don't think I need an article explaining that to me. Sometimes I don't even respond to her because there is nothing to say.
It's definitely annoying when people try and guess based on your belly- but here's a straight up weird one: my mom has always been a little psychic. She doesn't do readings or anything, but she always seems to just know things. i was telling her that I was uncomfortable and wasn't sure if I could make it to May and she touched my belly for a minute and said "May 2nt, 4:45pm". yikes!!
JoMunson I like to believe that some people have intuition like this. But not my MIL she is just swigging and missing every time. I hope you update us on when your LO arrives too see how close it is.
JoMunson I like to believe that some people have intuition like this. But not my MIL she is just swigging and missing every time. I hope you update us on when your LO arrives too see how close it is.
It would have completely bugged me if I didn't know she had intuition! My MIL said "I don't think you'll even make it to May" and I remember thinking it was the rudest thing!
So given my record and current situation with my mom, wondering what you guys would do? Let her know once my induction date is set? Or just let it goooooo??
@yogahh-- I'm a vote for letting it go. It seems like you just try and try again with her, and it never pays off, and you end up just feeling worse and more frustrated.
So at this point, my feeling is that you shouldn't let her ruin a day that's going to be stressful/amazing/emotional enough already. You can let her know when you feel up to dealing with her, but I don't see a whole lot of benefit in giving her a chance to take a shot at you before that. Maybe (MAYBE) tell her that you're going to be scheduled for an induction, but don't tell her the exact day. If she cares to know the day, she can ask, and then you can decide whether to tell her based on whether you feel like that caring is genuine or manipulative.
The worst thing that you'll deal with if you don't tell her is probably guilt, and honestly (as Your Creepy Internet Messageboard Semi-Friend) I don't think you have any reason to be guilty about that. Not after all the rest of the history you've shared with us.
@yogahh I wouldn't say anything at all. I might send an email/text with a picture in it (like at least a day or so after the fact so she doesn't ruin those first couple of days for you), and leave it at that. But I definitely wouldn't give her the opportunity to make what is already a stressful event even more so.
So given my record and current situation with my mom, wondering what you guys would do? Let her know once my induction date is set? Or just let it goooooo??
I hate to say this, but you can't win here. The response you need is "that's so exciting, what can I do, I can't wait to meet her," etc. But unfortunately she's going to make it about her...so either she shows up at the hospital like she showed up in your doorstep, or, and maybe worse, she brushes you off and says "good luck with that" which is really going to hurt. I'd say take her out of the equation and let her know when baby is here. It seems like you have ample drama with her ahead of you in life...so enjoy those few days with just your husband & daughter.
So given my record and current situation with my mom, wondering what you guys would do? Let her know once my induction date is set? Or just let it goooooo??
I would give her a TO (time out) for you to be stress free, enjoy the little bit left of your pregnancy, and just forget the drama that is her and focus on your sweet new baby. TO meaning no contact, no replies, no engaging in her drama, comments, her baiting & switching you, nothing. Just give yourself (and your new little family of 3) the pure bliss of no more drama at this point.
Thanks. I needed to hear that. I don't plan on telling her. She knows my number and can call to ask how I am. I did tell her friend though so at least someone knows.
So I just found out from DH that FIL is not a fan of the name we chose for baby boy. Apparently we're horrible bc we aren't keeping with the naming tradition of the family, which neither of us was even aware of... DH is named that way too, but had no idea this was actually why. But apparently all boys get 2 middle names - each being taken from the grandfathers first name. FIL's name is Arnold and my dads name is Thomas. If we had stuck with the 'tradition' our LO's initials would have been CATS. Thanks but no thanks. When DH told me this I literally laughed hysterically about how our future child's initials almost spelled cats.
Thankfully he's the only person who wasn't a fan. Everyone else has said nothing but great things about the name. And DH essentially told him to get over it bc we liked the name and it wasn't changing. Reason number IDK bc I've lost count of why FIL irritates me... seeing as this is literally the only input he's given for this child. I'm trying to give him a chance here, I just know the first time he meets the baby this situation will be the first thing out of his mouth.
Re: Problematic Parents/In laws 1/25
Also FWIW I think it was pretty "hands on" for you to reach out to her and suggest a date that she come to meet her granddaughter, esp in light of how she's behaved.
BYE BYE BYE...
What is the most crazy thing of all here is I really thought from the beginning I was going to have more issues with my own mom rather than MIL....but somehow that changed. I am very thankful my mom has been understanding and respectful of the boundaries I have set up for my family.
Kudos to you for having the courage to put your new family first. Unfortunately, that does't always happen. Many times, people will throw their spouses under the bus because God forbid they upset their mommies and daddies.
This pregnancy the person posted our pregnancy news before we had even told more than 3 people on the planet and after we specifically told those 3 people not to post anything or share our news and gave a date when they could (after the first appointment). Within the hour it was posted. I didn't know it but had people contacting me directly asking if it was true.
Then when I called the person on it privately, it got ugly immediately. No apologies; only mean things to say about how I should let them, etc.
For the above and other major boundary reasons the relative will not be involved with this birth and the information train stopped completely.
I've posted previously about her controlling and abusive husband. One minute into the call she says "[a hole name redacted] needs the phone and we have to go get our taxes done by 2:30."
Wow. I just can't even.
How are the babies? You? Do you have a ETA on when they will be able to go home?
I'm really dreading the days/weeks following our LO's birth. It should be a happy time, but I anticipate being incredibly stressed because of family issues. Both my family and DH's live out of state (different states), and our parents will be coming to town when LO is born. My ILs have a vacation condo across town and will be staying there. MIL and FIL will be booking flights to come here as soon as they get a call from us that we are at the hospital, but they probably won't be here until the next day, depending on when they can get a flight out. MIL works for the school system and has been banking her PTO so that she can (hopefully) stay here from the time of the birth through the rest of the school year (the end of May). MIL plans to stay at their condo all summer and be available to help/visit as needed. She is really good about boundaries, and I anticipate her being a big help without overstepping - especially since she won't be staying with us. FIL plans to stay a week or so (he owns his own business, so his schedule is somewhat flexible), but he will probably be back and forth most of the summer while MIL is here.
My mom wants to come and stay with us about a week before my due date and then for a couple of weeks after LO is born. My dad plans to fly in when he gets a call from us that we're at the hospital. I'm looking forward to my dad being here because he's really laid back and doesn't stress me out at all, but I don't want my mom here for that long - especially without my dad here. My mom is very high-strung, has boundary problems, and our personalities often clash. My dad can usually "reign her in" when she becomes too much. She means well, but extended visits with her - even without the added stress of L&D, a newborn, recovery, etc. - often lead to huge blowups between us. (Example: Following a serious accident I had about a year and a half ago, my mom flew in (uninvited) while I was still in the hospital. Because she couldn't afford a hotel and my house was 2+ hours away, she slept on the bench in the hospital waiting room and basically used my hospital room/bathroom as a hotel. She insisted on watching her stupid TV shows while I was trying to rest and didn't really do anything to help me. When I was finally discharged 2 weeks later, she came back to our house with us and stayed for another 2 weeks. She cooked a couple of meals but wasn't otherwise particularly helpful, she was disrespectful toward DH, and I felt like I had to entertain her rather than relax and recover. I finally told her she had to leave, which led to a huge blowup.) The idea of having her here when I go into labor (even if only in the waiting room or at my house across town) stresses me out to no end. DH and I also want to be able to come home from the hospital with our new baby and settle in without having other people there 24/7. It's one thing if DH's parents want to come over during the day, but they will eventually go back to their condo. If my parents are staying with us, we will have no privacy - and no 1 on 1 time with LO - unless we go to our room. I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own house just to get some alone time with DH and our son. My mom has already mentioned about how jealous she is that MIL gets to be here all summer. I think she's fishing for an invitation to stay with us even longer, which isn't going to happen. I do feel bad that MIL will get more bonding time with LO than my mom will, but I'm still trying to mentally prepare myself for my mom to be here a week or so. I can already tell that we're going to have to have a talk about a definite date she is leaving.
I've thought about asking my parents to wait until we've had time to get settled in before visiting, but it wouldn't be fair to my parents (or to me) if DH's parents got to see LO immediately and be here for his first few days and they didn't. To be clear, I do want my parents here to meet LO right away and to share that time with me. I just don't want them (really, my mom) at my house full time. If it were just my dad coming, I don't think I would feel this way. We live in an overpriced beach resort town where hotel prices are outrageous, otherwise I would ask my parents to get a hotel nearby so they could just visit during the day and we could still have some privacy. My parents have had some financial difficulties lately, and I know that if they didn't stay with us they wouldn't be able to afford to come at all. I'm planning to ask my mom to just wait until we call them and come down with my dad rather than coming early, but I'm still dreading coming home from the hospital to a house full of people.
Sorry for the novel - just needed to vent.
My mom called me back and I gave her updates on the babies. She said she didn't call because she figured I would be busy at home... with my babies in the nicu... didn't even ask their names. Said she's sending me a letter. Guess I'll find it when I go home next.
If you, the mom, are stressed, that 100% impacts your baby, milk production, ability to rest, recover, and bond.
Baby's needs come first over adult feelings.
Think about what you and your DH want for your baby. Then make it happen despite thinking about what everyone else wants/demands/feels entitled to. Hurt feelings might happen, but this is one area where it is okay to put your baby before other adult "wants". That is just part of the job description of being a parent doing what is best for you as a family, so no worries, it is entirely ok to start now and protect postpartum time.
You and DH figure out what you want, if you want your mom and dad to come to visit then leave after the hospital then make it happen. You don't have to justify, defend, argue, or explain.
It is better for her to be "mad" then drag your LO through it with her at your house and she will *still* be mad when you have to ask her to leave because you can't win. Since you can't win might as well let your LO win and you get the peace you and your family of 3 100% completely and totally deserve.
You really can't compare her situation with your MIL's. MIL has her own place, MIL respects boundaries. You don't have to make things " fair " for her sake. Your mom will have to get a hotel or wait until you are ready. End of story. What your MIL does is irrelevant.
Look, I have been on these boards since they began. One of the biggest regrets I see time and time again are from new moms who didn't put their foot down when it came to post partum guests. They were too afraid of hurting feelings but instead were miserable themselves. This is especially sad because you will never, ever get these precious few days / weeks back ever again. When they are gone, they are gone. So please learn from the mistake of those who had babies before. Put your family's needs to privacy, intimacy and bonding before your mom's feelings. In fact, I would say that disappointing your parents is part of growing up. I have had to disappoint my dad and my husband has had to disappoint his mom. They were really upset, his mom even cried, but they got over it. I would say our relationship has even improved since then as they are more respectful of boundaries and they know we won't be manipulated.
Perfectly put. I would also add asking your in laws to take in your mom would be a mistake, since there seems to be a bit of jealousy and resentment already brewing. No need to have a war of the grandparents.
My MIL is a very sweet lady, we get along fine mostly. She has gone through some really bad times, and my DH as well when he was younger, so there is still some after-effects from that that influences her life. But she is a great lady. And she adores me.
Over this weekend she asked me who our guardians are for our children, and I had to tell her we went with my folks. They are both still alive, young enough and financially able to take care of our kids should something happen. I think she was a bit offended - but I did explain to her that's it's for those reasons. She is single and is still taking care of my 27 YO BIL - another reason we couldn't go with her.
My DH feels like we are excluding her a bit (my parents hosted the shower, are taking us big baby shopping etc) and since my Mom is a lady of leisure (haha) she has the time to properly help out once he's born.
We want to involve her more, but I have no idea how to do that as I am emotionally very drained and can't think of any ideas.
Ladies?
i think it can be hard for moms to learn to share, honestly. I mean, I don't think they ever imagine the OTHER grandma. But your MIL seems like a nice woman so I'm sure she'll be okay. I asked my mom point blank what activity or event or "baby thing" she wanted JUST for her. That way she can think about what is really important for her to have and I can do my best to give it to her. You could try that.
Even though we've agreed to this, my SO is super aware of possibly excluding his mother from things - which is only made worse when she finds out my parents have done anything for us (like when she found out last week that my mom sent me a crochet blanket for the baby, she immediately sent an embroidered pillow). He seems to think we should say nothing and hope nothing happens to us, that way no one will ever need to know the decision we've made ... I am so tempted to follow that plan, tbh, just so I don't hurt her feelings. But at the same time ... It also doesn't help that she'll be here after the baby's born (we live across the continent from our families, who actually live in the same city) driving me nuts by doing that thing she does where she rearranges all my stuff and begins to treat my SO as if he's 2 years old and completely helpless.
I have no good advice, in closing, just hugs to you from a gal in the same predicament. *hugs
You should tell your DH that just because your parents took you shopping etc. does not mean his mom should feel left out. They are in different palaces as grandparents and there's no need to compare, everyone will be happy when you're LO arrives!
DH asked my MIL if she wanted to come help sort out the last nursery stuff and she is so excited. I will serve breakfast and hopefully this will help assure her that we do want her involved!
I'm very much of the mentality that baby could be up to nearly 2 weeks past the EDD, so it's driving me crazy her saying he's coming next week when I could have 4 more weeks still.
Does anyone have someone in their life like this? What do you do? I smile and nod but I'm going crazy and want to be left alone right now. She doesn't realize it's stressful! she keeps quoting internet statistics about when he's likely to arrive. He will come when he comes. You think I need more wonky statistics to think about?!
my mom has always been a little psychic. She doesn't do readings or anything, but she always seems to just know things. i was telling her that I was uncomfortable and wasn't sure if I could make it to May and she touched my belly for a minute and said "May 2nt, 4:45pm".
yikes!!
So at this point, my feeling is that you shouldn't let her ruin a day that's going to be stressful/amazing/emotional enough already. You can let her know when you feel up to dealing with her, but I don't see a whole lot of benefit in giving her a chance to take a shot at you before that. Maybe (MAYBE) tell her that you're going to be scheduled for an induction, but don't tell her the exact day. If she cares to know the day, she can ask, and then you can decide whether to tell her based on whether you feel like that caring is genuine or manipulative.
The worst thing that you'll deal with if you don't tell her is probably guilt, and honestly (as Your Creepy Internet Messageboard Semi-Friend) I don't think you have any reason to be guilty about that. Not after all the rest of the history you've shared with us.
TO meaning no contact, no replies, no engaging in her drama, comments, her baiting & switching you, nothing. Just give yourself (and your new little family of 3) the pure bliss of no more drama at this point.
Thankfully he's the only person who wasn't a fan. Everyone else has said nothing but great things about the name. And DH essentially told him to get over it bc we liked the name and it wasn't changing. Reason number IDK bc I've lost count of why FIL irritates me... seeing as this is literally the only input he's given for this child. I'm trying to give him a chance here, I just know the first time he meets the baby this situation will be the first thing out of his mouth.