DH and I are just always arguing over dumb stuff lately...... It's wearing me down and annoying.
Ugh.... I dunno how to fix it because he is stubborn and "always right." Stupid polish ppl.
I'm one to start hinting I'm feeling that way for a few days, then sitting him down for a big talk. What works best for DH and me is when we acknowledge we are probably both trying very hard, but this one (or few) thing is not going over well lately.
"I know you don't want me to feel criticized all the time. When you X, I feel like you're telling me that you're always right. And maybe you are, but my way works, too, and I need you to back off."
We canNOT figure out mornings. I am up 3-7x a night to BF LO. I am super resentful DH won't get up with LO at 6:00 am unless I throw a tantrum or just flat out ignore the crying baby - I hate both those options.
He thinks because he watches LO from 9:00-1:00 while I work, I should take 6:00-9:00 am. But that means I have LO from 6:30 pm - 9:00 am. I can't keep getting zero sleep. And he doesn't like if I nap in the afternoon, because he "needs a break."
We've talked about this several times. I'm at a total loss. He thinks he is just as tired as me, and that makes me want to rip his face off. Dude is my favorite in the world, but this is a sticking point.
Dude has slept in every day of his leave so far. Which I get it. Its his leave. But, he also gets a chance (which he usually takes) to sleep in on his days off, too. Other than the one day the baby slept until after 8, I haven't got to 'sleep in' since before LO. His leave is kinda like my leave - I would like ONE day to sleep in. Especially considering he leaves on Sunday for a whole week. I've mentioned this to him but still the morning comes around and I'm up with the baby. Not really a rant, more of a grumble, but it annoys me
@virginiaunicorn11 Are you still EBF or have you tried a bottle? DH and I had this fight multiple times with DS. One weekend, I told him I would take DS from 7pm -7am and the next night he would do the same with bottles. He took the monitor and slept on the pullout so I could actually sleep. When I woke up, he had DS in the pullout and they both looked exhausted. One night on his own and he appreciated how hard it is and how for one person, it's not sustainable. Arguing didn't work, but walking a mile in my shoes did. Could you let him try one night on his own? Or have him get up with you so he understands?
I get it though. At one point I told DH "If you complain to me one more time how tired you are, I will scream. You get HOURS more sleep a day than I do and I really don't GAF how tired you are. Take your whining somewhere else." Shortly after this he did his first night alone and the whining stopped. Sleep deprivation sucks.
I'm EBF but he's on me to start pumping. I'm resisting because I feel so lucky we can be EBF and haven't had issues, and don't want to tempt fate. But your plan sounds golden... Thank you! ETA @Sammy K
@mellymar Guess we have the same complaint, -ish. Thanks for posting that. Hope these dudes are inspired to get up!!!
@virginiaunicorn11 its kinda the same but you've got the worse of the situations by far, what with your LO still waking up so much overnight. But yeah, the guys all need to stop complaining about how tired they are and sleeping so damned late in the morning.
@mishmardhiono Have you had an honest conversation with him? Some of this sounds like poor communication, like making messes and sleeping in and throwing shoes. Some is legitimately poor behavior. It sounds like he expects you to cater to him and before LO it sounds like you did. The rules have changed with LO and you need to communicate that.
I'm no relationship expert, but 99% of relationships need more communication. You need to have a serious talk with DH, and probably more than one. Don't tell him how he's screwing up, ask if this is what he wants. Ask if he thinks he's being fair and if his behavior is appropriate. Tell him you want and need his help but you can't nag him every day. His reaction will tell you whether your relationship is worth salvaging or not.
But if you all in, guns blazing and self righteous, and tell him how much his behavior sucks and all of the things he's screwing up, he'll get defensive and shut down. It's a hard conversation to have, but it sounds like you really need it.
So I sent him a text telling him to think about everything. It stuns me, before we had a baby we wanted 3 babies. Now people ask and I'm truly 1 and done (loved my birth, we have the most perfect baby) and he has never asked me why. Maybe he knows he's the reason why I don't want another baby. Who knows.
So he got home from work after I had been stewing for 8 hours and I said to him I can't keep doing this, I don't want our daughter growing up in this environment and that for the next few nights I'd like us to co exist and give each other breathing space. I'm in the spare room. I told him in the end if we can't sort this out we will stay together until he gets his green card (I'm his sponsor via a marriage) and after that he can live in our outhouse.
Well did that conversation scare the crap out of him. After listening to him cry himself to sleep last night (heartbreaking) I seem to have woken up to the man I married 3 years ago. He woke up at 7, made the bed, picked up his clothes and looked after LO all by himself. He didn't take a 5 hour nap, he didn't put his dirty dishes in the finished dish washer. It could be a miracle.
I hope e really lifts his game and continues working as a team. I love him so much and I don't want to seperate at all but something's gotta give. Hopefully the lightbulb has come on and he realises he has pushed me pretty far.
Going to see about some counselling and seeing how we can both work together a bit better. I really don't expect much from him except to make things simpler like putting your dishes in the dishwasher or rubbish in the bin.
@mishmardhiono I'm so happy it's going in the right direction! Remember to keep talking, it's never a one-time deal. But it sounds like he's invested. Sometimes the hardest conversations have the best rewards. I really hope things continue to improve for you!
Hooray, @mishmardhiono ! That's great. Stay strong and keep talking. Hopefully it's a good start for a longer process of shaping up.
My poor DH put his foot right in it today. He asked me to go with him to get pumpkins and go to his brewery, all before trick-or-treat and then a pumpkin carving after-party tonight. I was overwhelmed, and am too exhausted, but agreed as long as I could shower first.
Dude said, "I'm a little annoyed. I've watched him all morning while you were working, and now you want me to keep him longer?"
I calmly asked him when I should be showering, so he can get his breaks. His eyes got big as he realized his mistake.
So yeah, I got my shower. DH is out right now getting his own damn pumpkins. And he knows he's getting up with the baby at 6:00 am tomorrow, too. Fool.
@sammyk thanks for the advice. You gave me a good kick in the right direction.
@virginiaunicorn11 hahaha wow! God I'm jealous of there ignorance. I just love how they let this rubbish come out of their mouths without a single thought of what they are saying
This feels like me, if only us mums had a union that would say mums are overworked and under appreciated and then we could all strike.
Oddly enough my DH probs aren't about parenting. It's really dumb stuff but I just feel like I can't control how mad I'm getting about pointless stuff.
Example; we had a football party Saturday and every that came brought kids. My kid was asleep in his crib and the game blacked out (espn's fault) but DH asshole friend went upstairs and paced, yelled, cussed at the poor dish network person right next to where my babe was sleeping...... And this dude totally brought the entire party down
DH stuck up for him..... And then got mad when I told DH parents about this dude and how he's seriously not my fav friend of his...... DH then got mad at me because "that's how rumors start" yeah............. I am not from a small town and I could seriously give a fuck if someone says I'm talking about this dude! ......... DH is totally loyal.... Even to jerks.
Also were nitpicking at each other about all sorts of crap...... We are both way less patient than we used to be.
Hugs @klkonwi. Having a baby is stressful and it's hard not to want to lash out given all the sleep deprivation. I'd be pissed at DH's friend too. You're entitled to your feelings and a good venting session.
DH and I have been going through a rough patch too. Good days and bad. Some days I can tolerate more crap than others. What I found worked for us was several talks. One was more of a fight and ended with me in tears. It was a raw conversation with all my true feelings out on the table. I was getting ready to pack bags to take the kids to my parents house so I could actually get a break. It finally got through to him and he lost sleep over everything that I said. Since then we've made some adjustments to household duties, no more side projects for DH so he can have more family time, and setting aside days for just family. It's a work in progress and it is still an effort to have these regular talks, but they are the key. Call them family meetings or whatever you want, but set aside time to open up to one another and vow to be on the same team. Set each other up to win and hopefully the intimacy will grow. Know that you're not the only one going through this and I hope things get better soon. ❤️
We can't figure out evenings. DH picks LO up from daycare at 515 and hangs with her until I get home at 630. Then I have her until bedtime at 745. The problem is that DH wants to relax at 630 and not make dinner. Which I actually totally understand. But it means we don't think about dinner until she's in bed at 8, and DH never wants to wait for me to cook because eating at 9 is crazy. But we can't keep eating out from a budget perspective! His thought is that soon she can entertain herself while one of us cooks. Hopefully.
@hoodoll82 Do you have a slow cooker? It's pretty much exactly what you need. Especially this time of year when you can do a lot of soups, stews, and chilis that don't even need sides.
@hoodoll82 We use it all the time. Ours has a timer so it will cook for 6 or 8 hours and then goes to warm for 4 hours then shuts off (if we're not home). If you have one you set the time on, I wouldn't worry about it.
Rave/rant. LO has been waking up at 5 all week. I have to get up around 530 to get ready for work, so DH has been taking LO while I do that. This morning he heard us and came and got LO without me bringing him to him. Awesome. He asked what time I had to get up...I said my alarm goes off at 530. It was about 525 by that time.
So 5 minutes later my alarm goes off...I decide to lay there an extra 5 minutes because I had baby all night (like I always do), he's been waking every 2-3 hours all week, and my stomach has been killing me all week, which wrecks what little sleep I'd otherwise be getting.
534 DH walks in...time to get up...come on get going.
I'm just laying here a few extra minutes, why are you rushing me here?
Dude actually says...."the sooner you get up and get ready the sooner I can go back to bed"
:-O
Seriously? He knows how my week has been. I can't have an extra 5 minutes in bed before I have to get up for the day? When you get to go back to bed for an hour+ after I leave? Were you up all night with the baby?
He reponds with an incredulous "alll night?" as if up every 2-3 hours is definitely not up all night. Then it's, "well I didn't go to bed at 730".
Lol. Lololol. I just laughed and said I'm more than willing to trade any night of the week. Just let me know.
He walked out of the room without saying anything else and I laid there an additional 10 minutes. :P
He's going to be regretting that one this weekend....
DH freaked out on me last night for setting off the smoke alarm, because it MIGHT have woken the baby. It didn't, but it MIGHT have.
I am in the car for an already-planned trip to visit my grandmother with LO. Don't have to see DH til Tuesday or Wednesday, and this morning I cried because I am so relieved to be away from him, and that's just horrible.
When I get back, we are going to start counseling. He's being nasty way too often and I resent him. It's such a complex feeling because I'm also really in love with him, and maybe 70% of our days are really good.
Here's hoping we can find a good counselor and get things back on track. For now, a bittersweet short separation is just what the doctor ordered.
@virginiaunicorn11 what the hell? I'm glad you're going to spend time with your grandma, she'll cheer you right up. What's with the grumpy men lately? DH accused me of talking down to him last night. Maybe I did, but LO is spending the night with my in laws tonight (first time away from me overnight) and since DH is off today, he's going to drop LO off before I get home and then we're going to a Halloween party. I asked him if he could handle packing LOs bag and he acted like he had no clue what he needs. MIL already has formula, bottles, diapers, and wipes over there. All he needs are pajamas, a sleep sack, a couple outfits, and his white noise machine. I finally packed it myself. I then snidley asked if he could handle packing the machine after LO gets up. I'm partially at fault, but seriously, don't play dumb to get out of doing stuff.
DH and I use humor to diffuse some arguments. It's usually me saying "Remember, I am not the enemy! The children are the enemy! They are trying to divide and conquer; we must not let the children win!" Sometimes we need to remind each otherwe're on the same team.
Other times we just fight because there is no one else to blame.
DH freaked out on me last night for setting off the smoke alarm, because it MIGHT have woken the baby. It didn't, but it MIGHT have.
I am in the car for an already-planned trip to visit my grandmother with LO. Don't have to see DH til Tuesday or Wednesday, and this morning I cried because I am so relieved to be away from him, and that's just horrible.
When I get back, we are going to start counseling. He's being nasty way too often and I resent him. It's such a complex feeling because I'm also really in love with him, and maybe 70% of our days are really good.
Here's hoping we can find a good counselor and get things back on track. For now, a bittersweet short separation is just what the doctor ordered.
It sucks, this is not how it was meant to be.. Have a nice time away with your grandma hopefully the distance will make him reevaluate.
I was thinking of making a graph fit our arguments and DH being a dick. I wonder if there is a date pattern for when they decide to be awful
@virginiaunicorn11 Hang in there girl! A visit with grandma might be just what the dr ordered! Hopefully you guys find a great counselor that can wade through the muck with you two. Thanking of you! Enjoy the time with your grandma!
Also were nitpicking at each other about all sorts of crap......
We are both way less patient than we used to be.
Yes, that's the worst. I hate that neither of us have anything left to give, as far as supporting each other like we used to. I'm just so tired and drained that it's hard for me to really be present for and connect with him and vice versa. I miss him like crazy.
@sammy k - great strategy! We keep having to remind ourselves of that too, while we're flailing around trying to figure out what the heck we're doing with this kid.
Rave, DH is planning to be gone a week in December and offered to fly my mom down to help me out. I appreciate the thoughtfulness and just don't have the heart to explain that him being out of town really isn't that much different then him working most evenings and weekends like he normally is. In a way it's better because I can go to bed when LO goes down, instead of waiting up for DH. And when I do I can actually sleep because, no snoring. Speaking of... DH has tried to get my empathy by telling me that he usually stays awake the whole time I'm nursing MOTN. Sorry dude, but the snoring would tell me otherwise.
Me-37, DH-38
Married in 2006, TTC #1 since Jan 2012
Baby Boy born June 1, 2015
He settles her in her home as a happy mother of children, praise the Lord! (Psalms 113:9)
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understand, will guard your heart and mind in Jesus Christ (Philippians 4:7)
5 hours away, and already trading lovey texts, lol. we need more time apart from each other, for sure!
PS - Am not one to air my dirty laundry, but it helps me to see that other marriages are having the exact issues ours is (more or less). And like anything with babies, I find an honest portrayal way more helpful than "everything is roses, and with communication, everything will be fine" messages. (On the other hand, I do know and need to remember that everything will be fine. Deep breaths!)
Haha we also say the babies are the enemy. The dog and lo. So yesterday dh informs me that he wants to drink on Halloween this of course is no surprise to me. So he wants to switch nights so that he can make up for the fact that he will probably not be taking care of lo. So he says he can take her tonight. The thing is I get up with lo everyday through the week at 5 or 6 and this week was where I get a Saturday night to go to bed early and a Sunday to sleep in.. well I mean as much as a mom can sleep in.. so to be nice to dh I needed last night to do some cooking for a potluck at work today, so he watched lo I told him I could take the monitor once she went to sleep so dh gets upset that I'm making noise in the kitchen while he tries to get lo to sleep at 8. Lo goes to sleep at like 10 and he didn't even bother to take her into another room and try... so I finally stop what I'm doing to go into our bedroom while he puts lo to sleep at 8:25 when she is not super tired he hands me the monitor and runs down to play his dumb computer games because I said I can take the monitor until you come to bed thinking like 10pm since he works at 6am. Nope not only did the baby wake up because she wasn't tired at 8:15 he also didn't come get the monitor until midnight.. done being nice. So now I've basically taken lo for an additional 2 nights for no reason and won't get a dang thing in return. Marriage is super fun..
Re: DH rants and raves for October
Ugh.... I dunno how to fix it because he is stubborn and "always right."
Stupid polish ppl.
"I know you don't want me to feel criticized all the time. When you X, I feel like you're telling me that you're always right. And maybe you are, but my way works, too, and I need you to back off."
We canNOT figure out mornings. I am up 3-7x a night to BF LO. I am super resentful DH won't get up with LO at 6:00 am unless I throw a tantrum or just flat out ignore the crying baby - I hate both those options.
He thinks because he watches LO from 9:00-1:00 while I work, I should take 6:00-9:00 am. But that means I have LO from 6:30 pm - 9:00 am. I can't keep getting zero sleep. And he doesn't like if I nap in the afternoon, because he "needs a break."
We've talked about this several times. I'm at a total loss. He thinks he is just as tired as me, and that makes me want to rip his face off. Dude is my favorite in the world, but this is a sticking point.
I get it though. At one point I told DH "If you complain to me one more time how tired you are, I will scream. You get HOURS more sleep a day than I do and I really don't GAF how tired you are. Take your whining somewhere else." Shortly after this he did his first night alone and the whining stopped. Sleep deprivation sucks.
@mellymar Guess we have the same complaint, -ish. Thanks for posting that. Hope these dudes are inspired to get up!!!
But yeah, the guys all need to stop complaining about how tired they are and sleeping so damned late in the morning.
So he got home from work after I had been stewing for 8 hours and I said to him I can't keep doing this, I don't want our daughter growing up in this environment and that for the next few nights I'd like us to co exist and give each other breathing space. I'm in the spare room. I told him in the end if we can't sort this out we will stay together until he gets his green card (I'm his sponsor via a marriage) and after that he can live in our outhouse.
Well did that conversation scare the crap out of him. After listening to him cry himself to sleep last night (heartbreaking) I seem to have woken up to the man I married 3 years ago. He woke up at 7, made the bed, picked up his clothes and looked after LO all by himself. He didn't take a 5 hour nap, he didn't put his dirty dishes in the finished dish washer. It could be a miracle.
I hope e really lifts his game and continues working as a team. I love him so much and I don't want to seperate at all but something's gotta give. Hopefully the lightbulb has come on and he realises he has pushed me pretty far.
Going to see about some counselling and seeing how we can both work together a bit better. I really don't expect much from him except to make things simpler like putting your dishes in the dishwasher or rubbish in the bin.
My poor DH put his foot right in it today. He asked me to go with him to get pumpkins and go to his brewery, all before trick-or-treat and then a pumpkin carving after-party tonight. I was overwhelmed, and am too exhausted, but agreed as long as I could shower first.
Dude said, "I'm a little annoyed. I've watched him all morning while you were working, and now you want me to keep him longer?"
I calmly asked him when I should be showering, so he can get his breaks. His eyes got big as he realized his mistake.
So yeah, I got my shower. DH is out right now getting his own damn pumpkins. And he knows he's getting up with the baby at 6:00 am tomorrow, too. Fool.
@virginiaunicorn11 hahaha wow! God I'm jealous of there ignorance. I just love how they let this rubbish come out of their mouths without a single thought of what they are saying
This feels like me, if only us mums had a union that would say mums are overworked and under appreciated and then we could all strike.
It's really dumb stuff but I just feel like I can't control how mad I'm getting about pointless stuff.
Example; we had a football party Saturday and every that came brought kids. My kid was asleep in his crib and the game blacked out (espn's fault) but DH asshole friend went upstairs and paced, yelled, cussed at the poor dish network person right next to where my babe was sleeping...... And this dude totally brought the entire party down
DH stuck up for him..... And then got mad when I told DH parents about this dude and how he's seriously not my fav friend of his...... DH then got mad at me because "that's how rumors start" yeah............. I am not from a small town and I could seriously give a fuck if someone says I'm talking about this dude! .........
DH is totally loyal.... Even to jerks.
Also were nitpicking at each other about all sorts of crap......
We are both way less patient than we used to be.
DH and I have been going through a rough patch too. Good days and bad. Some days I can tolerate more crap than others. What I found worked for us was several talks. One was more of a fight and ended with me in tears. It was a raw conversation with all my true feelings out on the table. I was getting ready to pack bags to take the kids to my parents house so I could actually get a break. It finally got through to him and he lost sleep over everything that I said. Since then we've made some adjustments to household duties, no more side projects for DH so he can have more family time, and setting aside days for just family. It's a work in progress and it is still an effort to have these regular talks, but they are the key. Call them family meetings or whatever you want, but set aside time to open up to one another and vow to be on the same team. Set each other up to win and hopefully the intimacy will grow. Know that you're not the only one going through this and I hope things get better soon. ❤️
We leave ours on all day. Currently making pulled pork for tomorrow.
(New in that we got it as a wedding gift 4 years ago and its pristine lol)
https://www.slowcookercentral.com/recipe That's the website with the recipes
So 5 minutes later my alarm goes off...I decide to lay there an extra 5 minutes because I had baby all night (like I always do), he's been waking every 2-3 hours all week, and my stomach has been killing me all week, which wrecks what little sleep I'd otherwise be getting.
534 DH walks in...time to get up...come on get going.
I'm just laying here a few extra minutes, why are you rushing me here?
Dude actually says...."the sooner you get up and get ready the sooner I can go back to bed"
:-O
Seriously? He knows how my week has been. I can't have an extra 5 minutes in bed before I have to get up for the day? When you get to go back to bed for an hour+ after I leave? Were you up all night with the baby?
He reponds with an incredulous "alll night?" as if up every 2-3 hours is definitely not up all night. Then it's, "well I didn't go to bed at 730".
Lol. Lololol. I just laughed and said I'm more than willing to trade any night of the week. Just let me know.
He walked out of the room without saying anything else and I laid there an additional 10 minutes. :P
He's going to be regretting that one this weekend....
I am in the car for an already-planned trip to visit my grandmother with LO. Don't have to see DH til Tuesday or Wednesday, and this morning I cried because I am so relieved to be away from him, and that's just horrible.
When I get back, we are going to start counseling. He's being nasty way too often and I resent him. It's such a complex feeling because I'm also really in love with him, and maybe 70% of our days are really good.
Here's hoping we can find a good counselor and get things back on track. For now, a bittersweet short separation is just what the doctor ordered.
Other times we just fight because there is no one else to blame.
Saw this on Yahoo today.
https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/how-a-baby-changes-your-marriage-203233473.html?nf=1
I was thinking of making a graph fit our arguments and DH being a dick. I wonder if there is a date pattern for when they decide to be awful
I also take mini vacations from
DH by going to visit family usually I come back with more patience and am able to get back on track for a bit.
There are so many ups and downs but when the good times don't outnumber the bad it makes things way too hard.
I made the call for counselling too but now it's a struggle to find the time hopefully we can nail down a date and work through this stuff!
PS - Am not one to air my dirty laundry, but it helps me to see that other marriages are having the exact issues ours is (more or less). And like anything with babies, I find an honest portrayal way more helpful than "everything is roses, and with communication, everything will be fine" messages. (On the other hand, I do know and need to remember that everything will be fine. Deep breaths!)