@mellymar and @swaugh14 I hear ya'll. DH is constantly playing with his phone or watching tv. Usually both. I fantasize about throwing it into the ocean like Carrie threw hers in the first sex and the city movie.
@mellymar I can't believe you almost missed pancake! And Smae thing going on here with DH thinking LO still wants to nap like a newborn. His favorite line to tell people is "LO likes some alone time." She does on occasion, but he only seems to think that when he wants to play Xbox or do stuff on his phone.
So I like to complain on here, but I love my man. He cracks me up every day, and sometimes he misses the mark, but he genuinely makes an effort to please me and be a good dad.
But dude canNOT hear the baby at night. I turn the monitor down because I hear the smallest noise, and am trying to give LO time to self soothe at night.
This morning, the damn dog started barking like crazy at 6:00 am. I had just fed LO at 5:30, and he started making noise around 5:50, so I was awake. Anyway, the dog barks, DH goes flying out of bed to yell at the dog, comes back to the bedroom and practically shouts, "The baby is screaming and you can't even hear him because you don't even have the monitor on!!"
Dude got some F bombs in response, which is against our rules. But worse is he guilted me into going to get LO, who was just winding himself back down.
So I handed LO to DH, said I needed sleep, and "thank you for taking him." I got another hour and a half sleep, and DH learned never to accuse me of ignoring LO when he's slept through the night and I've been up 7 times.
@virginiaunicorn11 ooooh, girl, I would have lost it. I don't know how you went back to sleep, I would have been too pissed.
Yes, true - normally that would have been the case. But I was SO tired and after 10 minutes of raging, I decided I wasn't going to waste the opportunity to sleep.
When I woke up, DH was very apologetic. He means well, he just has some dude-ness that he can't help sometimes.
Like the brownie incident: I was mad at first, but it makes me laugh now. He's a pretty endearing guy, it's hard to stay too mad at him (usually).
Please help me because I feel so guilty tonight...I don't know where to post this, but DH just made me feel guilty for basically everything.... 1. By having a baby and moving us to Oregon so I could pursue a PhD, I made DH delay his school plans..he would have preferred to be a full time student in Washington, but now he's a part time student in Oregon, part time dad taking care of LO, but he feels ineffectual at it because LO clearly prefers me to him, which brings me to big guilt #2... 2. I should not leave LO for more than an hour or two, because he cries and cries when I'm gone more than an hour or two, and after trying everything today while I was away (feeding, diaper change, holding, swing) he gave up and let LO cry in his crib while he took a bath. I was upset when I found out about this and told him he should have texted me and I'd come home earlier and study at home (I have a midterm tomorrow). DH said LO pretty much always cries when I'm gone more than a couple hours. I feel terrible. I don't know how to fix this. I feel like I should have done my life differently so I could have been a stay at home mom, or even married someone different. It's so hard. Now that I'm overcommitted to work and school, how can I do right by DH and LO, and succeed in my PhD program and job? Is DH right that it's basically impossible? Although I was happy with our life until tonight, now I'm doubting everything:(
It's impossible to change the decisions you made in the past. So there's no sense in regretting your school choices or your marriage.
What you CAN do is decide where to go from here. What can you EASILY fix right now, and what can you do some soul-searching about and change long term?
Can you adjust your day? Can you go to school earlier when LO is in a better mood in the mornings? Can you do more studying after LO goes to bed?
Long term, do you want to defer your PhD program? Is that even possible?
Very long term, do you want to stay with your husband? That's not a decision you have to make right now. But you do have the power to make that decision, if it's best for you and your our LO.
(Also, I doubt very much LO screams the entire time you're gone. Your DH might make it sound like that, but some people can exaggerate when they are trying to guilt someone).
Hang in there for now, make the changes you can when you can, but just keep swimming for now. You'll be ok.
You're right I can't change the past. Even if I did do my life over, I'd wind up with a different baby than I have right now. I'm glad my baby is in the world just the way he is.
Sometimes I hate the way DH makes me feel because he's a pessimist and I'm an optimist...but I'm too attached to him to leave him, and I really do appreciate and admire some aspects of his personality. He's responsible, diligent, intelligent, loyal, and tries to do the right thing. He doesn't waste money and would never cheat on me. I can't imagine leaving him and I don't think it would improve anything for me and Jasper.
Our baby is here and he loves me. I need to adjust things as much as I can in light of that fact. No unnecessary study sessions away from the baby, when I can study when he is sleeping. No more trips to the pool (my physical therapist told me to go to the pool so I did twice, but it's not worth it--I'm going to ask her if there's any exercises I can do at home instead). I don't even like swimming. Maybe I should have studied more instead of spending an hour at the pool today. But on the other hand, I do want to fix my walking problem and lose the extra weight I've been carrying around.
If only it was an option to do school only part time...but I need to do it full time in order to keep my fellowship job that pays my tuition and has good insurance. DH doesn't have an income yet.
I will think of ways to adjust my schedule as you suggest. As you know, there is only so much I can do.
It's impossible to change the decisions you made in the past. So there's no sense in regretting your school choices or your marriage.
What you CAN do is decide where to go from here. What can you EASILY fix right now, and what can you do some soul-searching about and change long term?
Can you adjust your day? Can you go to school earlier when LO is in a better mood in the mornings? Can you do more studying after LO goes to bed?
Long term, do you want to defer your PhD program? Is that even possible?
Very long term, do you want to stay with your husband? That's not a decision you have to make right now. But you do have the power to make that decision, if it's best for you and your our LO.
(Also, I doubt very much LO screams the entire time you're gone. Your DH might make it sound like that, but some people can exaggerate when they are trying to guilt someone).
Hang in there for now, make the changes you can when you can, but just keep swimming for now. You'll be ok.
I hope your husband is exaggerating to make you feel guilty and that he's not just letting your sweet baby cry all day. Can he take LO outside? Put LO in the bath to calm down? Listen to music? Look at lights/fans?
Will obtaining a PhD increase your salary exponentially? Is this more an educational goal? Can you get a job without a PhD in your field? Just some questions I'd ask myself if I was seriously doubting what I was doing. A PhD wouldn't do anything to my salary so there is no way I would pursue it (even if it did increase my salary I wouldn't do it ha). And yes, I would study at home but in another room so If LO is upset you can show your husband ways to calm LO.
I hope your husband is exaggerating to make you feel guilty and that he's not just letting your sweet baby cry all day. Can he take LO outside? Put LO in the bath to calm down? Listen to music? Look at lights/fans?
Will obtaining a PhD increase your salary exponentially? Is this more an educational goal? Can you get a job without a PhD in your field? Just some questions I'd ask myself if I was seriously doubting what I was doing. A PhD wouldn't do anything to my salary so there is no way I would pursue it (even if it did increase my salary I wouldn't do it ha). And yes, I would study at home but in another room so If LO is upset you can show your husband ways to calm LO.
Most of the day LO is in daycare and the daycare teacher says he is usually happy there. I think the daycare is wonderful and he gets lots of attention there from what I've seen. However, DH has to pick him up from daycare at 3 and due to my class schedule the earliest I could get home most days is 4ish.
DH always says he tries a lot of things and sometimes does take him outside, yes. This is the first time he seemed to have basically given up. Ironically he felt he had support in this because we recently went to a Nurturing Parenting workshop at LO's daycare where they talked about the importance of nurturing yourself--e.g. Putting LO down and taking a bath if you need to. I'm frustrated that THIS is what he got out of the workshop! Obviously the workshop also stressed the importance of nurturing LO.
The PhD will not increase my salary a lot. It may contribute to my getting a job that will allow part of my already huge student loan to be forgiven. My previous job as a speech therapist in a nursing home paid well but required long hours (unpaid overtime was a reality due to the productivity requirement) and compromised my beliefs/ethics because there was a huge focus on productivity and getting large quantities of therapy minutes with certain residents even if they did not need it and I couldn't help them. I felt morally uncomfortable remaining in that kind of job and didn't usually enjoy it or feel like I was helping people. I didn't have much control over which patients I saw and for how long. Also most of my work was in swallowing and I got into the field to do more work with speech/language, especially aphasia. Returning to academia allows me to specialize and learn and contribute more to my field instead of just going through the motions to earn money for a therapy company.
I love my PhD program so far. If I didn't have a baby it would be perfect. The problem is I want to take advantage of the relatively flexible hours (compared to the nursing home) to spend more time with my baby, yet as DH points out I'm not spending enough time while I'm home reading and studying for school. If I had more discipline I could read research articles and study while breastfeeding/lying beside a sleeping baby instead of bumping or looking at FB. My husband is afraid I'll flunk out and fail because I'm paying too much attention to the baby and not studying as much as he would if he was taking the same credit load. I feel I'm still doing OK, but it's true I need to study a bit more or I will fall behind.
@heidiiwa Hang in there. I don't know your husband but I would guess he's exaggerating. Another thing to keep in mind is that LO will be constantly changing. This phase is hard because they can't really communicate and are so needy. But soon he'll be responding more and be more interactive.
You are also not obligated to be around 24/7. This is your husband's child as well and he needs to figure out how to take care of him when you're not around. Please don't feel guilty about that.
@Sammy K, thank you. Actually just this morning while I was home DH and LO were bonding a lot, LO was laughing and smiling as DH cuddled and kissed him. And DH said "I love this baby." Then this evening I come home and he's totally discouraged because LO started crying after I'd been gone a couple hours and DH couldn't console him. I'm so frustrated because I shouldn't have to be around 24/7, you're right, but even when I think we're making progress on the bonding between DH and LO we still get setbacks. DH said for the first couple hours after I left, LO was happy and playing with him. I wish I just hadn't been gone so long. Unfortunately tomorrow after my midterm I have a physical therapy appt so DH will be babysitting after daycare again.
@heidiiwa My husband dropped his career and moved to Germany with me for a year, where he was not allowed to work. Then I got pregnant, we had to stay longer, then my job was transferred to London at a tbd point in time - we are in limbo for up to 9 months. So two years of DH having to take a backseat for me.
This is only to say, I share some of your guilt and concern.
When things got better for us is when DH stopped saying "we are here for you" or "you brought us here."
It took a lot of tears and a lot of fights, because at first he was REALLY unhappy. And when these big picture questions about life direction happen, it is natural to wonder if you chose the right partner. I love my man more than anything, but wondered that sometimes - and even had to ask him once if we are compatible in our life goals.
What helped us is having some serious discussions. We also reevaluated if we were doing the right thing for our family (we were), and then the rule was no more questioning, second guessing, or throwing the decisions into our faces. We had to keep reminding ourselves we are a TEAM, we are on the SAME team, and we did not make these decisions alone. Once DH took ownership for helping to make the decisions that got us to where we were (he had wanted to go to Germany, too - he just resented that when things got hard), things got a LOT better, and he both stopped guilting me and I stopped guilting myself.
Can your husband build a community to help with LO? Find some activities like library story time, music classes, playground, play dates?
This challenge with your LO is not something you need to resolve as an individual. It is something you and DH need to resolve together, as a couple. He needs to get back on your team, refocus on the game plan, and make it work.
Hugs, lady. I've been there. It isn't easy. Don't quit now, you got this!
@heidiiwa So all he has to do is fill a few hours every evening until you get home? He can handle it, and it will only get easier. Don't make any drastic life changes now, because in 3-6 months your baby will be completely different. He'll be crawling around, eating solids, going longer between naps, just much easier to keep happy. To me it seems like they go from being inwardly directed to outwardly directed and that makes them much easier for any not-mom to handle.
DH has been irritating me with his responses on what will happen when he is home with LO and I will be working. I go back at the end of November, and he is taking a 6 week paternity leave at the beginning of January. Right now I have picked up more laundry and house cleaning duty. I also do all the food shopping and cooking. I asked him if he will be doing all that when he's home instead. He said I dunno. Maybe. The hormonal me flipped and I was like wtf? His reasoning is that DD will be more mobile and he will have to watch her more. Because taking care of a crying, hungry, unable to entertain herself 3 month old is so easy. I hope to god that he realizes how much I do around the house and picks up more of the slack when I can't and won't want to do it.
@heidiiwa One last thought: after DS, DH and I made the rule that no major life decisions are made while we are sleep deprived. No job changes, moving, etc. We decided we would stick it out until LO is 6 months and we're all sleeping better before making huge changes. That way we are not jumping into or out of something just because of stress. Sleep deprivation makes everything worse and sometimes change seems appealing in the short term even if it's not the right thing to do in the long term.
Please help me because I feel so guilty tonight...I don't know where to post this, but DH just made me feel guilty for basically everything.... 1. By having a baby and moving us to Oregon so I could pursue a PhD, I made DH delay his school plans..he would have preferred to be a full time student in Washington, but now he's a part time student in Oregon, part time dad taking care of LO, but he feels ineffectual at it because LO clearly prefers me to him, which brings me to big guilt #2... 2. I should not leave LO for more than an hour or two, because he cries and cries when I'm gone more than an hour or two, and after trying everything today while I was away (feeding, diaper change, holding, swing) he gave up and let LO cry in his crib while he took a bath. I was upset when I found out about this and told him he should have texted me and I'd come home earlier and study at home (I have a midterm tomorrow). DH said LO pretty much always cries when I'm gone more than a couple hours. I feel terrible. I don't know how to fix this. I feel like I should have done my life differently so I could have been a stay at home mom, or even married someone different. It's so hard. Now that I'm overcommitted to work and school, how can I do right by DH and LO, and succeed in my PhD program and job? Is DH right that it's basically impossible? Although I was happy with our life until tonight, now I'm doubting everything:(
I am the main bread winner in our family (my salary is double my husbands and very little days wirking) which has required my husband to up and move on 2 days notice to some strange and horrible places (one place it was $18.59 for a lettuce) but the short term suffering has had such a great return on our future. Your babies whole life is important and if this is going to improve your happiness and work life balance then it's worth pursuing. DH is going to have to suck it up and raise his child to the best of his ability. Babies cry, sometimes babies don't settle. Babies are irrational confused little humans. That's why they are babies. Tell him next time baby is like that to take baby in the bath with him
@heidiiwa lots have people had some great advice, but I wanted to add that if your PHD is something you want to pursue for yourself, then I think you should pursue it. And also that it's impractical to think that should should never be separated from your baby for more than an hour because dad can't console your LO. My husband says this, too - "he's just been really cranky and nothing I do seemed to work" but the truth of the matter is that we as the moms have had more practice than they have. Maybe next time this happens after you return home, once the house is back to calm seas again, ask him "so what was baby doing while I was gone that you found difficult to deal with? What did you try?" Sometimes I end up just telling my DH, yeah he is like that for me sometimes, and there is nothing to do but to keep trying and eventually something works.
Don't let him make you think you are doing less for your family by pursuing a degree in a field you love. I understand he may feel he has taken a backseat, and I'm not sure how to help that, I think @virginiaunicorn11 had some excellent suggestions. And @Sammy K also had an excellent point, don't make any decisions when you both are tired and stressed. That is not a recipe for good decision making. My doctor once told me 'now you know why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture'. It just wears you down. And add in the stress of a baby and schoolwork and a job... I'm sure its a heavy load, but I believe you got this.
Rant: As DH napped on the couch yesterday I did 3 loads of laundry, cooked dinner, and repeatedly tended to baby girl when she kept waking up fussy from
5 minute naps. Which she was doing in her rock n play. Which was right next to where he was laying on the couch. From where he did not wake up even once. I swear, I think he fakes not hearing her so that I'll be the one to tend to her. He finally cracked his eyes open in time to see me throw him a dirty look as I was getting up from my laundry folding station to go soothe her. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I had a splitting headache and would LOVE to take a nap. He didn't get the hint. Just fell back to sleep.v I-)
Then this morning I woke up to find that the sink was full of dishes, minus the pan he used to make himself breakfast this morning. While I do appreciate him cleaning up after himself and not making extra work for me, I really wish he would've taken the time to clear the entire sink. Especially since the dishes were from the dinner I made for him.
And the last one (for today anyway): If he tells me one more time that I can sleep when the baby sleeps or that I don't have to clean the bathrooms today or finish the laundry or whatever miscellaneous task is on my to do list, I'm going go insane. He cannot comprehend that when Baby Girl goes down for her nap, I have to start pumping for her next feeding and by the time I'm done she's waking up. So no, I can't sleep when she sleeps. And yes I do have to finish the laundry. Because yours may be clean and neatly folded on the bed but now I don't have any clean underwear.
>:P
Rave: He rubbed my back at 5am this morning while I fed LO. Praying I have more raves next time lol
Thank you so much @mellymar , @KarasTwin , and @mishmardhiono ! I love the support from the ladies in this group! You all are like the sisters I never had, lol. I like the idea of telling DH to take baby in the bath with him. It's true sometimes babies just cry and won't settle, and I've tried telling him that so he won't feel bad. He feels LO doesn't love him as much, so I'm trying to tell him/show him otherwise and show him my appreciation for everything he does. In the mornings, baby is all smiles and loves on us both, but in the evening he's cranky and just wants his mommy. It's so hard but I think we'll stick it out and it will all work out for the best in the long run. Maybe my schedule will be better next term...I can hope!!
@heidiiwa yeah, evenings are the worst, especially with this leap going on. Its a really tough time right now in general. Hang in there mama (and daddy, too)!!!
And I'm back to being over this self absorbed sulking adult sized child that I've found myself married to. Today I went to tge sink to do LO's bottles because DH (dickhead today) apparently can't see bottles on the sink when it's his day off. We have a sink for our dishes and a sink for LO's dishes as our food is full of chilli. DH decided he was going to rinse his plate in LO's sink because our sink was already full of his dishes, left papaya salad in the drain (this salad has 13 small chillis) and couldn't see the issue that he has now contaminated her sink with this chilli. Why don't you just clean after yourself and don't leave food scraps in my drains. He also used her kettle water for his noodles so after I finished washing the bottles, I went to make one. And all he water is gone so now LO is screaming her head off waiting for her bottle to cool whilst DH is Playing with his friends. To top it all off its our wedding anniversary and he hasn't mentioned it at all however on the weekend we went shopping for a new fishing rod for him as an anniversary gift. Very hard not to lose my shit today.
And I'm back to being over this self absorbed sulking adult sized child that I've found myself married to. Today I went to tge sink to do LO's bottles because DH (dickhead today) apparently can't see bottles on the sink when it's his day off. We have a sink for our dishes and a sink for LO's dishes as our food is full of chilli. DH decided he was going to rinse his plate in LO's sink because our sink was already full of his dishes, left papaya salad in the drain (this salad has 13 small chillis) and couldn't see the issue that he has now contaminated her sink with this chilli. Why don't you just clean after yourself and don't leave food scraps in my drains. He also used her kettle water for his noodles so after I finished washing the bottles, I went to make one. And all he water is gone so now LO is screaming her head off waiting for her bottle to cool whilst DH is Playing with his friends. To top it all off its our wedding anniversary and he hasn't mentioned it at all however on the weekend we went shopping for a new fishing rod for him as an anniversary gift. Very hard not to lose my shit today.
If you can direct it toward a productive change, I think losing your shit is actually quite appropriate under these circumstances.
@mishmardhiono I think this would make me cry. The obliviousness to leaving dishes in the sink and using up her water, etc would piss me off but all of that combined with the lack of acknowledgement on your anniversary would bring on the tears. I think if you lost your shit we would all understand!
Sometimes having a good old fight is good for you both. It opens the space to really talk about what's bugging you. The challenge is to make it productive and not escalate. I feel it's like giving the marriage a cleansing shower. Obviously well thought out conversations are more desirable, but sleep deprivation usually leads to more heated discussions. I just keep reminding myself that this is the challenging phase of it and things will get better as we both find our grove. Hugs to you ladies going through it right now.
@mishmardhiono Maybe dumping the baby in his lap and telling him you're taking yourself out for an anniversary dinner would make your point. Bonus points if you don't leave him any clean bottles.
@mishmardhiono Maybe dumping the baby in his lap and telling him you're taking yourself out for an anniversary dinner would make your point. Bonus points if you don't leave him any clean bottles.
DH RANT HERE: So the Mets are going to the World Series (I'm a Yankees fan). I said I felt bad for the Cubs and their fans and DH takes it as an insult and starts yelling at me how I should give the Mets credit...all while I'm feeding my baby girl. SO ANNOYING!!! Sorry, I had to vent since I couldn't go crazy with my daughter there.
Tonight shit has been lost! It took a while but I cracked. We signed for Our LO's placenta to be thrown in the bin in the hospital, his sister messages me tonight telling me that we have to do a ceremony on the placenta because our LO is really unsettled and they think it's evil spirits messing with her in her room. I said we threw it out, she says well you shouldn't have DH should have taken it home and done the ceremony, buried it and kept the sand and freshly cut umbilical cord and "this is why she's unsettled and being spooked by spirits" I asked him about this because I knew nothing of it. He says well you didn't say you wanted to keep it. Why would I want to keep it? We don't do anything with it but you do! He has taken this unique amazing part of her identity away from her because he was too lazy to organise a 20 minute ceremony. I personally don't fully believe this but it's not my culture, it's a really important part of her culture and her protection and he has taken that away from her. All of her cousins will have this ceremony, have the cord read and be told what they will be reincarnated as and I'll get to tell our daughter we threw hers in the bin. But we did just have to send $300 back to the parents because they needed a ceremony done on their house and needed to buy a goat for it. So on one hand these ceremonies are so friggin important but for his daughter he couldn't give a shit. And the family blame Me about her lack of ceremonies because "I think the western way is better"
He's on the couch for the next few nights. So pissed off.
DH RANT HERE: So the Mets are going to the World Series (I'm a Yankees fan). I said I felt bad for the Cubs and their fans and DH takes it as an insult and starts yelling at me how I should give the Mets credit...all while I'm feeding my baby girl. SO ANNOYING!!! Sorry, I had to vent since I couldn't go crazy with my daughter there.
I feel ya (despite the fact you're a Yankees fan, bleh! ). I'm a Mets fan and I feel bad for the Cubs.
Re: DH rants and raves for October
@KarasTwin Yes, let's throw them just like that!
But dude canNOT hear the baby at night. I turn the monitor down because I hear the smallest noise, and am trying to give LO time to self soothe at night.
This morning, the damn dog started barking like crazy at 6:00 am. I had just fed LO at 5:30, and he started making noise around 5:50, so I was awake. Anyway, the dog barks, DH goes flying out of bed to yell at the dog, comes back to the bedroom and practically shouts, "The baby is screaming and you can't even hear him because you don't even have the monitor on!!"
Dude got some F bombs in response, which is against our rules. But worse is he guilted me into going to get LO, who was just winding himself back down.
So I handed LO to DH, said I needed sleep, and "thank you for taking him." I got another hour and a half sleep, and DH learned never to accuse me of ignoring LO when he's slept through the night and I've been up 7 times.
When I woke up, DH was very apologetic. He means well, he just has some dude-ness that he can't help sometimes.
Like the brownie incident: I was mad at first, but it makes me laugh now. He's a pretty endearing guy, it's hard to stay too mad at him (usually).
1. By having a baby and moving us to Oregon so I could pursue a PhD, I made DH delay his school plans..he would have preferred to be a full time student in Washington, but now he's a part time student in Oregon, part time dad taking care of LO, but he feels ineffectual at it because LO clearly prefers me to him, which brings me to big guilt #2...
2. I should not leave LO for more than an hour or two, because he cries and cries when I'm gone more than an hour or two, and after trying everything today while I was away (feeding, diaper change, holding, swing) he gave up and let LO cry in his crib while he took a bath. I was upset when I found out about this and told him he should have texted me and I'd come home earlier and study at home (I have a midterm tomorrow). DH said LO pretty much always cries when I'm gone more than a couple hours. I feel terrible.
I don't know how to fix this. I feel like I should have done my life differently so I could have been a stay at home mom, or even married someone different. It's so hard. Now that I'm overcommitted to work and school, how can I do right by DH and LO, and succeed in my PhD program and job? Is DH right that it's basically impossible? Although I was happy with our life until tonight, now I'm doubting everything:(
Oh, girl, take a breath. It'll be ok.
It's impossible to change the decisions you made in the past. So there's no sense in regretting your school choices or your marriage.
What you CAN do is decide where to go from here. What can you EASILY fix right now, and what can you do some soul-searching about and change long term?
Can you adjust your day? Can you go to school earlier when LO is in a better mood in the mornings? Can you do more studying after LO goes to bed?
Long term, do you want to defer your PhD program? Is that even possible?
Very long term, do you want to stay with your husband? That's not a decision you have to make right now. But you do have the power to make that decision, if it's best for you and your our LO.
(Also, I doubt very much LO screams the entire time you're gone. Your DH might make it sound like that, but some people can exaggerate when they are trying to guilt someone).
Hang in there for now, make the changes you can when you can, but just keep swimming for now. You'll be ok.
You're right I can't change the past. Even if I did do my life over, I'd wind up with a different baby than I have right now. I'm glad my baby is in the world just the way he is.
Sometimes I hate the way DH makes me feel because he's a pessimist and I'm an optimist...but I'm too attached to him to leave him, and I really do appreciate and admire some aspects of his personality. He's responsible, diligent, intelligent, loyal, and tries to do the right thing. He doesn't waste money and would never cheat on me. I can't imagine leaving him and I don't think it would improve anything for me and Jasper.
Our baby is here and he loves me. I need to adjust things as much as I can in light of that fact. No unnecessary study sessions away from the baby, when I can study when he is sleeping. No more trips to the pool (my physical therapist told me to go to the pool so I did twice, but it's not worth it--I'm going to ask her if there's any exercises I can do at home instead). I don't even like swimming. Maybe I should have studied more instead of spending an hour at the pool today. But on the other hand, I do want to fix my walking problem and lose the extra weight I've been carrying around.
If only it was an option to do school only part time...but I need to do it full time in order to keep my fellowship job that pays my tuition and has good insurance. DH doesn't have an income yet.
I will think of ways to adjust my schedule as you suggest. As you know, there is only so much I can do.
Will obtaining a PhD increase your salary exponentially? Is this more an educational goal? Can you get a job without a PhD in your field? Just some questions I'd ask myself if I was seriously doubting what I was doing. A PhD wouldn't do anything to my salary so there is no way I would pursue it (even if it did increase my salary I wouldn't do it ha).
And yes, I would study at home but in another room so If LO is upset you can show your husband ways to calm LO.
DH always says he tries a lot of things and sometimes does take him outside, yes. This is the first time he seemed to have basically given up. Ironically he felt he had support in this because we recently went to a Nurturing Parenting workshop at LO's daycare where they talked about the importance of nurturing yourself--e.g. Putting LO down and taking a bath if you need to. I'm frustrated that THIS is what he got out of the workshop! Obviously the workshop also stressed the importance of nurturing LO.
The PhD will not increase my salary a lot. It may contribute to my getting a job that will allow part of my already huge student loan to be forgiven. My previous job as a speech therapist in a nursing home paid well but required long hours (unpaid overtime was a reality due to the productivity requirement) and compromised my beliefs/ethics because there was a huge focus on productivity and getting large quantities of therapy minutes with certain residents even if they did not need it and I couldn't help them. I felt morally uncomfortable remaining in that kind of job and didn't usually enjoy it or feel like I was helping people. I didn't have much control over which patients I saw and for how long. Also most of my work was in swallowing and I got into the field to do more work with speech/language, especially aphasia. Returning to academia allows me to specialize and learn and contribute more to my field instead of just going through the motions to earn money for a therapy company.
I love my PhD program so far. If I didn't have a baby it would be perfect. The problem is I want to take advantage of the relatively flexible hours (compared to the nursing home) to spend more time with my baby, yet as DH points out I'm not spending enough time while I'm home reading and studying for school. If I had more discipline I could read research articles and study while breastfeeding/lying beside a sleeping baby instead of bumping or looking at FB. My husband is afraid I'll flunk out and fail because I'm paying too much attention to the baby and not studying as much as he would if he was taking the same credit load. I feel I'm still doing OK, but it's true I need to study a bit more or I will fall behind.
You are also not obligated to be around 24/7. This is your husband's child as well and he needs to figure out how to take care of him when you're not around. Please don't feel guilty about that.
This is only to say, I share some of your guilt and concern.
When things got better for us is when DH stopped saying "we are here for you" or "you brought us here."
It took a lot of tears and a lot of fights, because at first he was REALLY unhappy. And when these big picture questions about life direction happen, it is natural to wonder if you chose the right partner. I love my man more than anything, but wondered that sometimes - and even had to ask him once if we are compatible in our life goals.
What helped us is having some serious discussions. We also reevaluated if we were doing the right thing for our family (we were), and then the rule was no more questioning, second guessing, or throwing the decisions into our faces. We had to keep reminding ourselves we are a TEAM, we are on the SAME team, and we did not make these decisions alone. Once DH took ownership for helping to make the decisions that got us to where we were (he had wanted to go to Germany, too - he just resented that when things got hard), things got a LOT better, and he both stopped guilting me and I stopped guilting myself.
Can your husband build a community to help with LO? Find some activities like library story time, music classes, playground, play dates?
This challenge with your LO is not something you need to resolve as an individual. It is something you and DH need to resolve together, as a couple. He needs to get back on your team, refocus on the game plan, and make it work.
Hugs, lady. I've been there. It isn't easy. Don't quit now, you got this!
Also, after a few hours my LO gets cranky no matter who he's with because he's tired. Could this be the case? So sorry that you're going through this.
Maybe next time this happens after you return home, once the house is back to calm seas again, ask him "so what was baby doing while I was gone that you found difficult to deal with? What did you try?" Sometimes I end up just telling my DH, yeah he is like that for me sometimes, and there is nothing to do but to keep trying and eventually something works.
Don't let him make you think you are doing less for your family by pursuing a degree in a field you love. I understand he may feel he has taken a backseat, and I'm not sure how to help that, I think @virginiaunicorn11 had some excellent suggestions. And @Sammy K also had an excellent point, don't make any decisions when you both are tired and stressed. That is not a recipe for good decision making. My doctor once told me 'now you know why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture'. It just wears you down. And add in the stress of a baby and schoolwork and a job... I'm sure its a heavy load, but I believe you got this.
Our LO's placenta to be thrown in the bin in the hospital, his sister messages me tonight telling me that we have to do a ceremony on the placenta because our LO is really unsettled and they think it's evil spirits messing with her in her room. I said we threw it out, she says well you shouldn't have DH should have taken it home and done the ceremony, buried it and kept the sand and freshly cut umbilical cord and "this is why she's unsettled and being spooked by spirits" I asked him about this because I knew nothing of it. He says well you didn't say you wanted to keep it. Why would I want to keep it? We don't do anything with it but you do! He has taken this unique amazing part of her identity away from her because he was too lazy to organise a 20 minute ceremony. I personally don't fully believe this but it's not my culture, it's a really important part of her culture and her protection and he has taken that away from her. All of her cousins will have this ceremony, have the cord read and be told what they will be reincarnated as and I'll get to tell our daughter we threw hers in the bin. But we did just have to send $300 back to the parents because they needed a ceremony done on their house and needed to buy a goat for it. So on one hand these ceremonies are so friggin important but for his daughter he couldn't give a shit. And the family blame
Me about her lack of ceremonies because "I think the western way is better"
He's on the couch for the next few nights. So pissed off.