@mellymar my dude soothes himself and lets us know he's sleepy by rubbing the back of his head. He has pulled his hair a couple times, but I CANNOT get DH to understand that, he constantly pulls his hands away. He has also convinced his parents that he pulls his hair constantly so when he rubs his head and whines because he's sleepy, they think he's crying because he pulled his hair.
My husband also pulls LO's hands away from his face. WTH? And yesterday, poor DH had to drive 7 of our 9.5 hours because he can't keep LO calm in the backseat.
All you have to do is keep talking to LO and shake his rattle. Well, DH decided the rattle overstimulates LO, as well as talking. As LO starts crying increasingly louder, I tell DH "shake that rattle truck at him," and he just simply says, "NO." WTH?! So 5 minutes later, we have to pull over to console apoplectic LO.
I have a rave - my allergies have really been kicking up lately, and I told DH earlier in the week I REALLY needed to vacuum and it would probably help. Well, yesterday he vacuumed the entire upstairs and washed our sheets and comforter also, in an effort to help with my allergies. And also cause it just really needed to be done and he is realizing that since LO is not napping much anymore and requires a lot of entertaining that I am not able to get a random hour or two a couple of times a day to do stuff like that. I can actually breathe easier, thanks DH!
LO was up at the crack of dawn 4:30 and didn't go back down until 7. I got up twice in the MOTN to feed too. So I say this morning, "it's going to be a loooonnnng day." To which DH replies, "as you wish!" I shot him a dirty look and went to refill my coffee. He comes in the kitchen and says coyly, "what you didn't like that?" So I unsnapped my nursing tank and flashed him. He tried to touch and I said, "nope, off limits for you buster" and walked out of the room.
My husband (not DH) and I just got in a fight over bedtime. Because he won't freaking listen to me what works with LO. He goes on to tell me it's MY fault our 13 week old baby won't sleep thru the night bc I wake him up. Excuse me? First what mother in her right mind wakes up a baby throughout the night. Does he think I enjoy this? He has never once gotten up with him in the MOTN. He sleeps in another room!! I told him I was making bottles and he could stay up the whole freaking night with LO. He refused and is currently sleeping on the couch. I am furious with him. Like wish I could pack up and walk out of this house furious. Then he tells me I'm upset bc I need sleep. You think?!
I have no rants or raves. Just kind of blah right now. @virginiaunicorn11 I feel like we are going through a rough time too. Seems like we're arguing over something stupid or going in two different directions. When I try to talk with him about it, he thinks it's silly because all this is temporary and things are about to get SO much easier. Not sure how he knows this or who the hell he's talking to. Just wish I felt like we were on the same page and that he'd acknowledge what I'm saying instead of constantly trying to solve it.
I have no rants or raves. Just kind of blah right now. @virginiaunicorn11 I feel like we are going through a rough time too. Seems like we're arguing over something stupid or going in two different directions. When I try to talk with him about it, he thinks it's silly because all this is temporary and things are about to get SO much easier. Not sure how he knows this or who the hell he's talking to. Just wish I felt like we were on the same page and that he'd acknowledge what I'm saying instead of constantly trying to solve it.
DH and I had (still have) this same problem. What helped was when he came to my therapist. He felt like I was withholding my feelings from him and he wanted to know when I was upset. I felt like he ignored my feelings by trying to minimize the situation or solve things, so I'd keep it to myself. It took a 3rd party for both of us to realize what we were doing. Now I will tell him "I really need to talk and I just need you to listen". It was awkward at first but at least he knows I'm trying to be open and he knows I just need him to listen, not problem solve. Just making the effort has helped our relationship. But we have to work on it constantly, especially with the stress of 2 little kids.
DH and I are definitely going in different directions... Thinking that's it's okay to be out until 6am and come home intoxicated. I can't seem to get through to him that no one on this planet would accept that kind of behaviour and this is not what I signed up for nor the example that I want to set for our son. No matter what I also turn out to be the one that is apparently unreasonable and he gets upset with me on these nights - but sees no issues with his own actions and decision making.
I have been putting it off for a long time but I called the counsellor today. I should have made the call a long time ago because this is going to be difficult to repair. I am just waiting on an appointment. This absolutely has to change.
Definitely a rough patch in the ol marriage department too....... I was a work/travel widow and now I'm a work and harvest/farming widow..... We don't have ANY time alone. Things are not great because we don't have time to talk or make the sweet sweet love lol Plus my vagina is finally semi fixed so really?! Ugh............
I just apologized to DH "for being mad at you a lot of the time, and most mornings." He laughed, and it opened the door to talk about why I'm mad, and what he can do to help (more).
My prediction is it will get a lot better today and tomorrow, and progressively worse again. But he's my love and we keep talking and trying, so that's ok. Sleep deprivation is killer.
It all makes me think of something I read once: "Your spouse is not the enemy. The baby is the enemy. Do not let the enemy win."
(Obviously I don't think LO is the enemy, but I do like this call for a united front toward this rather challenging little dude who is inadvertently straining our marriage.)
I just apologized to DH "for being mad at you a lot of the time, and most mornings." He laughed, and it opened the door to talk about why I'm mad, and what he can do to help (more).
My prediction is it will get a lot better today and tomorrow, and progressively worse again. But he's my love and we keep talking and trying, so that's ok. Sleep deprivation is killer.
It all makes me think of something I read once: "Your spouse is not the enemy. The baby is the enemy. Do not let the enemy win."
(Obviously I don't think LO is the enemy, but I do like this call for a united front toward this rather challenging little dude who is inadvertently straining our marriage.)
Out of nowhere DH dig out and built a fire pit in the backyard. Instead of a Saturday night movie we roasted marshmallows and counted stars. It was a great night. Baby napped and nursed, the boys played so nicely, and it was all thanks to DH.
DH and our dear friend from Vegas are doing a major clean up of the property this weekend. They filled the dumpster 3/4 full already! Still need to demo one shower and remove all the carpet in the basement by the end of the week. The place is looking great and we created a trailer full of free stuff to put next to the road. One huge piece down! Hoping people take all the old tvs because I don't want to pay to have them recycled. DH works so hard and is such a stud when it comes to all the man stuff. Love him!
ETA: Super long, sorry! Need advice: how do you get your husbands to uphold their end of agreed upon shared duties??
DH agreed to go back to doing first diaper of the day and taking LO first thing in the morning, in exchange for me dealing with LO all night. (My suggestion, and I'm fine with this.)
Problem is, he doesn't want to change the first diaper, so he plays and cuddles LO for an hour, there's an inevitable blow out, and DH gets all pissy and immediately says, "I'm going to need HELP HERE."
Dude. Change the baby the moment he wakes up. And learn some independence. How many poop blowouts have we mamas dealt with on our own? I mean, honestly!!
This is the dude who regularly says to me, "Why don't you let me hold him until the food comes."
And he thinks "taking LO in the morning so I can sleep" means holding him or scooting him to DH's side of the bed. Take. The. Baby. Out. Of. The. Room.
We've had these fights already. Verbatim. I've posted these fights already. Verbatim. I don't know how he keeps forgetting, or how to gently remind him without starting another fight.
Mamas who have shared duty arrangements, how do you get DH to uphold his end? I'm at a loss.
(Don't mean to only rant. And I'm not really mad. Just want things to get better, and am kind of flabbergasted that I feel like I'm over-communicating yet DH still doesn't get it.)
Rave: DH has put his resume into two breweries and will go to a third tomorrow. He's not usually so proactive (being from a small town, he thinks he will "hear of something and it will all work out"), so I'm very proud of him!
Rant: I am so over my husband it's not even funny. He acts like a child, he whinges like a child, he sulks like a child and unless he finds his balls again there won't be much left in this relationship.
We are totally co-existing with no love. He watched me struggle with LO trying to put her hip brace on and told me he was going to bed because he now had a headache at12 in the afternoon, he slept until 5, came out made himself dinner and went back to bed at 8. In the 3 hours he was up he spoke maybe 10 words to me. I find empty packets in the fridge, his clothes on the floor.
Tried to address it tonight as he went off to bed but he didn't take it serious.
After begging for 4 weeks we had a date night the other week, we went for an amazing dinner and movie but he just slept through the movie.. So over it, feels like I have lost my marriage.
And I'm not sure if it's a language/cultural barrier but he keeps insinuating I don't know how to look after our LO and when I say that to him he says I just misunderstand what he means but doesn't elaborate..
I think we are now one and done
Edit: God I make him sound like a lazy asshole but he really isn't, he's such a beautiful man who is excelling at all walks of life except for his home and family
@virginiaunicorn11 I wonder if starting a conversation about how he sees things might help. Such as, "is there a reason you don't change the LO's diaper first thing?" If he has a reason, listen and acknowledge it and then maybe work on a solution together (aka what you've already told him). He may be one of those guys who needs to think that he came up with the right idea for him to follow through with it. I call it planting the seed. You plant the seed and then he comes up with the idea you already had in the first place. The same might work with him taking LO in the morning. "Why do you keep LO in bed in the am when we've discussed you taking him (out of the room) before?" Maybe he's never thought its that big of an issue for you? Basically give him a chance to voice his side of things and then come up with a solution that works for the both of you. He may be more receptive if he feels like he's being heard.
That's awesome news on the job front for DH. It's nice when our men are proactive.
Rant: I am so over my husband it's not even funny. He acts like a child, he whinges like a child, he sulks like a child and unless he finds his balls again there won't be much left in this relationship.
We are totally co-existing with no love. He watched me struggle with LO trying to put her hip brace on and told me he was going to bed because he now had a headache at12 in the afternoon, he slept until 5, came out made himself dinner and went back to bed at 8. In the 3 hours he was up he spoke maybe 10 words to me. I find empty packets in the fridge, his clothes on the floor.
Tried to address it tonight as he went off to bed but he didn't take it serious.
After begging for 4 weeks we had a date night the other week, we went for an amazing dinner and movie but he just slept through the movie.. So over it, feels like I have lost my marriage.
And I'm not sure if it's a language/cultural barrier but he keeps insinuating I don't know how to look after our LO and when I say that to him he says I just misunderstand what he means but doesn't elaborate..
I think we are now one and done
Edit: God I make him sound like a lazy asshole but he really isn't, he's such a beautiful man who is excelling at all walks of life except for his home and family
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there and it's miserable to feel like you've lost your partner. One thing I have found that works for me is asking DH, "when would be a good time to talk about xyz?" That way the conversation starts with him being willing to listen. Make an appointment with one another if that's what it takes. Men typically hate it when we bring up tough topics right before bed. I think digging to the bottom of why he's behaving like he does might uncover a solution for you. He might not feel like his needs are being met so why should he meet your needs? This is new territory for both of you so it's good to come up with a plan that works for you as a team so you both feel heard and supported. Good luck. I know this part of of the transition into parents and partners can be arduous.
My DH is in the dog house as well...... Wasn't supposed to farm/harvest today and actually keep LO at home napping properly but oh look who has no balls and got stuck picking corn by himself while his parents had a "farm emergency in the next town and dropped our kid off with a random aunt who lives in that town..... (Thumbs up emoji) I called random aunt while at work at 910 pm and she said he only had 3 oz of breastmilk left..........
Way to stress me out when I'm stuck here and there's nothing I can do about it. I love the farm but right now it doesn't pay my bills....... And my kiddo needed to stay home or at least have enough milk before they drove 40-45 min with him....... Ugh
^^ did he not pack enough @klkonwi or was the random aunt overfeeding?
@virginiaunicorn11 I was going to type out this whole thing about how I would approach your DH, but colosun had a way better approach than me. My approach basically ended up being bitchy but saying it nicely, lol
There just wasn't enough packed because he wasn't even really supposed to help farm yesterday........ Ugh he didn't "think" he would be out there that long. Bottom line is I know he's a people pleaser but don't let your mom take my kid 45 min away when he possibly doesn't have enough milk!
I don't know if this is a rant or rave, but DH tried to help with laundry yesterday (in reality he was just looking through what I had in the washer and dryer for his brand new under Armour jacket he left in his cousin's truck). In his urgency to find his jacket, he stuffed the dry clothes in a basket and threw everything in the washer into the dryer. This load just happened to be delicates including my work clothes, 2 pair of pants and a dress that don't go in the dryer. I discovered this when we got home from his parents. Fortunately nothing was ruined and he was trying to help in his own selfish way, but I have limited clothes that fit, please don't ruin them!
^^oooo, close one! DH is not allowed near my or LO's laundry any more.
But DH rave: he took baby to the grocery store this morning so I could have a break. And then when baby had a huge meltdown, he put on the Moby and took the screaming kid on a walk. And he has an interview at a brewery this afternoon!! Here's hoping...
@lovethatcolosun thank you for that great advice. I will need it probably tomorrow, as DH goes through cycles of best behavior then forgetting. To be fair, I probably send weird mixed signals, being from Venus and all.
Rave: My laptop broke about a year ago. I won an ipad through work, so we just never replaced it. But I really miss my computer. I couldn't upload any pictures from my phone or create awesome shutterfly books like I used to. I came home from work yesterday and dh surprised me with a brand new laptop. He said the kids bought it for me. He's been saving up to buy it for me, because he knew I wanted it. I love him!
@virginiaunicorn11 I don't mind if he does casuals and what not, but not my good clothes. It's taken me the 5.5 years we've been together to convince him not to mix towels with clothes and to sort laundry.
@virginiaunicorn11 I don't mind if he does casuals and what not, but not my good clothes. It's taken me the 5.5 years we've been together to convince him not to mix towels with clothes and to sort laundry.
Girl, I am bowing down! 10 years with my DH and he still sees no reason to sort.
@virginiaunicorn11 I don't mind if he does casuals and what not, but not my good clothes. It's taken me the 5.5 years we've been together to convince him not to mix towels with clothes and to sort laundry.
Girl, I am bowing down! 10 years with my DH and he still sees no reason to sort.
I am lucky here (ish). WHEN my man does laundry, he at least knows how to sort because of his uniforms. And he knows if its an item I consider special or might need more attention, he either doesn't wash it or asks me. But the question is WHEN he actually does laundry. Cause he rarely does, or if he does, its one load of his clothes for work and that's it
When all was said and done DH did really well with me working the last 4 nights. He's really starting to get into a groove with her care and it's fun to watch. Pretty sure she likes him more..I'll try not to cry about that. Except now he has the cold we both had this week so he's a wilting flower on the couch where I'm like DUDE I get it, I had that this week in addition to our sick baby.
TTC: 1/2014
BFP: 9/24
EDD: 6/8/2015
Sorry for the poor man's siggy...ticker won't load regardless of how many tips I read.
@virginiaunicorn11 I don't mind if he does casuals and what not, but not my good clothes. It's taken me the 5.5 years we've been together to convince him not to mix towels with clothes and to sort laundry.
Girl, I am bowing down! 10 years with my DH and he still sees no reason to sort.
Haha, he hates buying clothes and I convinced him hisstuff would last longer if cared for properly
When all was said and done DH did really well with me working the last 4 nights. He's really starting to get into a groove with her care and it's fun to watch. Pretty sure she likes him more..I'll try not to cry about that. Except now he has the cold we both had this week so he's a wilting flower on the couch where I'm like DUDE I get it, I had that this week in addition to our sick baby.
I'm about to return to nightshift, what do you do in the day time? Is LO in childcare so you can sleep?
DH is also ridiculously bad at laundry. He ironed and hung my pyjamas in the cupboard and stuffed my cocktail dress in the drawers...
@mishmardhiono yes, she goes to daycare while I sleep and I pick her up around 3pm. I don't sleep well during the day, so I sleep about 5 hours, shower, pack my dinner and pick her up! If she wasn't in daycare it wouldn't be possible to exist. I know a lot of people who just nap during the day but that wouldn't work for me.
TTC: 1/2014
BFP: 9/24
EDD: 6/8/2015
Sorry for the poor man's siggy...ticker won't load regardless of how many tips I read.
Re: DH rants and raves for October
All you have to do is keep talking to LO and shake his rattle. Well, DH decided the rattle overstimulates LO, as well as talking. As LO starts crying increasingly louder, I tell DH "shake that rattle truck at him," and he just simply says, "NO." WTH?! So 5 minutes later, we have to pull over to console apoplectic LO.
Why can't these men just listen?!
I have been putting it off for a long time but I called the counsellor today. I should have made the call a long time ago because this is going to be difficult to repair. I am just waiting on an appointment. This absolutely has to change.
We don't have ANY time alone.
Things are not great because we don't have time to talk or make the sweet sweet love lol
Plus my vagina is finally semi fixed so really?! Ugh............
My prediction is it will get a lot better today and tomorrow, and progressively worse again. But he's my love and we keep talking and trying, so that's ok. Sleep deprivation is killer.
It all makes me think of something I read once: "Your spouse is not the enemy. The baby is the enemy. Do not let the enemy win."
(Obviously I don't think LO is the enemy, but I do like this call for a united front toward this rather challenging little dude who is inadvertently straining our marriage.)
DH agreed to go back to doing first diaper of the day and taking LO first thing in the morning, in exchange for me dealing with LO all night. (My suggestion, and I'm fine with this.)
Problem is, he doesn't want to change the first diaper, so he plays and cuddles LO for an hour, there's an inevitable blow out, and DH gets all pissy and immediately says, "I'm going to need HELP HERE."
Dude. Change the baby the moment he wakes up. And learn some independence. How many poop blowouts have we mamas dealt with on our own? I mean, honestly!!
This is the dude who regularly says to me, "Why don't you let me hold him until the food comes."
And he thinks "taking LO in the morning so I can sleep" means holding him or scooting him to DH's side of the bed. Take. The. Baby. Out. Of. The. Room.
We've had these fights already. Verbatim. I've posted these fights already. Verbatim. I don't know how he keeps forgetting, or how to gently remind him without starting another fight.
Mamas who have shared duty arrangements, how do you get DH to uphold his end? I'm at a loss.
(Don't mean to only rant. And I'm not really mad. Just want things to get better, and am kind of flabbergasted that I feel like I'm over-communicating yet DH still doesn't get it.)
Rave: DH has put his resume into two breweries and will go to a third tomorrow. He's not usually so proactive (being from a small town, he thinks he will "hear of something and it will all work out"), so I'm very proud of him!
We are totally co-existing with no love. He watched me struggle with LO trying to put her hip brace on and told me he was going to bed because he now had a headache at12 in the afternoon, he slept until 5, came out made himself dinner and went back to bed at 8. In the 3 hours he was up he spoke maybe 10 words to me. I find empty packets in the fridge, his clothes on the floor.
Tried to address it tonight as he went off to bed but he didn't take it serious.
After begging for 4 weeks we had a date night the other week, we went for an amazing dinner and movie but he just slept through the movie.. So over it, feels like I have lost my marriage.
And I'm not sure if it's a language/cultural barrier but he keeps insinuating I don't know how to look after our LO and when I say that to him he says I just misunderstand what he means but doesn't elaborate..
I think we are now one and done
Edit: God I make him sound like a lazy asshole but he really isn't, he's such a beautiful man who is excelling at all walks of life except for his home and family
That's awesome news on the job front for DH. It's nice when our men are proactive.
Eta spelling.
Wasn't supposed to farm/harvest today and actually keep LO at home napping properly but oh look who has no balls and got stuck picking corn by himself while his parents had a "farm emergency in the next town and dropped our kid off with a random aunt who lives in that town..... (Thumbs up emoji) I called random aunt while at work at 910 pm and she said he only had 3 oz of breastmilk left..........
Way to stress me out when I'm stuck here and there's nothing I can do about it.
I love the farm but right now it doesn't pay my bills....... And my kiddo needed to stay home or at least have enough milk before they drove 40-45 min with him....... Ugh
@virginiaunicorn11 I was going to type out this whole thing about how I would approach your DH, but colosun had a way better approach than me. My approach basically ended up being bitchy but saying it nicely, lol
Bottom line is I know he's a people pleaser but don't let your mom take my kid 45 min away when he possibly doesn't have enough milk!
But DH rave: he took baby to the grocery store this morning so I could have a break. And then when baby had a huge meltdown, he put on the Moby and took the screaming kid on a walk.
And he has an interview at a brewery this afternoon!! Here's hoping...
@lovethatcolosun thank you for that great advice. I will need it probably tomorrow, as DH goes through cycles of best behavior then forgetting. To be fair, I probably send weird mixed signals, being from Venus and all.
DH is also ridiculously bad at laundry. He ironed and hung my pyjamas in the cupboard and stuffed my cocktail dress in the drawers...