June DE FET

laurad75 · May 2020

@JamieH2000 I tested today and got a negative. There is still a shot but I think with my other transfers I had positives by now. Beta isn’t until Monday.

lucyb1954 · May 2020

Hi everyone, I’m sorry for the radio silence. We had to put my dog down last night, and I feel like my heart is just shattered ❤️ He’s been with me for about a decade and seen me through heartbreak, depression, you name it. I got him when I was single and he meant so much to me.

@laurelew how are you doing? How are things going?

@laurad75 I’m sorry to hear it’s negative at the moment. I think you’re still in it, I’ve met a few folks on here who have had late positives. I’m really rooting for you and sending you hugs ❤️

laurad75 · May 2020

@lucyb1954 I’m so sorry about your dog. I’m just so sad for you.

laurelew · May 2020

@lucyb1954 I am so so sorry to hear about your sweet dog.

@laurad75 A negative test is always discouraging and doesn't make the wait until the beta any easier. Monday will get here when it gets here and what will be will be (I am hoping for positive news for you but I also know how frustrated I feel when I'm pretty sure I'm out and people keep trying to offer me hope).

JamieH2000 · May 2020

@laurad75 - ugh I’m sorry

I really hope tests have brought better news since Wednesday! I want this for you so bad!

@lucyb1954- I’m so sorry to hear about your dog! They are family. Heartbreaking.

lucyb1954 · May 2020

Thanks for all your kind comments, everyone. Wednesday was one of the worst days of my life. He has been my family for the last decade and I just miss him so much. It was his time, but the house just feels so empty. I don't know what to do with myself around the house, I'm just beside myself but I don't really feel like doing anything either.

I did get my calendar today, and transfer is planned for June 29. They don't do a lupron protocol which is nice but I didn't realize that just prep for the FET would take a month! A month to feel nervous and crazy gaahhhh.

@laurad75 How are you doing? I'm sending hugs

whatever is happening, and thinking about you

@laurelew how are things going? Where are you at with things? How are you feeling? Are the hormones making you super emotional still? I know this FET prep is going to be rough for me.

@radmom27 hope you're doing well! You're getting close!

laurad75 · May 2020

@JamieH2000 @lucyb1954 Thank you. I haven’t tested again. My husband was really annoyed when I told him I had tested so I am going to try and wait until beta on Monday. Today is actually 10dp5dt but my clinic is closed on weekends right now. I feel like I’m experiencing some symptoms here and there (sore boobs, queasy) but this process is such a mind f@ck I can’t read too much into it. Worst case scenario if it’s negative on Monday we can just try again right away so it’s not the end of the world.

How is everyone else doing?

lucyb1954 · May 2020

Omg @laurad75 yasss mindf@ck. Sometimes I am so excited but sometimes I am so scared. Will I bond with my kid? Will I feel sad every time someone asks who my baby looks like? A friend of mine is having a virtual baby shower today and of course, there’s some stupid games involved including some sort of trivia quiz. One of the questions is whether the baby will look like her or her husband. Anyway that just set my mind off...I’m not going to join the party until the end so I can miss that. At the very least they sent the questions beforehand so I can avoid. When I finally get to that point there will be a strict no games policy.

@laurad75 I’m so rooting for you! You have a good attitude ❤️

laurad75 · May 2020

@lucyb1954 I had those concerns with my first pregnancy but as soon as he was born they fizzled. He looks just like my husband but people insist he looks like me. In some ways he does (We chose a donor who has similar physical qualities as me). The bond begins as soon as you know you are pregnant.

Photo in spoiler

Image: https://us.v-cdn.net/5020794/uploads/editor/vg/3bra8ytmq7l7.jpeg

radmom27 · May 2020

@lucyb1954 I'm so sorry about your fur baby. It will take a long time to adjust to your new normal. Take care of yourself.
I agree with laurad75...the moment you lay your eyes on your baby, he/she will be yours. I often find it funny how many traits my son and I share even though we don't share genetics. I had so many doubts before I got pregnant that there would be something missing and I would think about it all the time. I honestly never do.
@laurad75 When I get a negative after a transfer, I always wish that I wouldn't have tested...but I can never stop myself from doing it. I admire people who can wait until the beta and for the phone call. I'm hoping that maybe it was just too early.

laurelew · May 2020

@lucyb1954 Good luck at the baby shower today. Events like that can be so hard.

@laurad75 I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for your for Monday. The picture of you and your son is adorable.

afm: I thought I was doing well with all the prep but today I've very much been in a funk so maybe it took this long for the hormones to hit me. I'm 5 days in and at this point at least I feel like I pro with knowing what to expect regarding keeping track of all the changing medications on my calendar, etc. I don't have my lining check until June 9 so just trying to take it one day at a time until then.

lucyb1954 · May 2020

@laurad75 your son is such a doll! I love the towheads! My boyfriend was a total towhead up until his teens. So cute

I'm really pulling for you for tomorrow. It's also kind of funny....people always say that me and my sister look alike, but honestly it's because we both are about the same height, brown hair, brown eyes. If you look at our features, we really don't look alike. I think what causes that remark is that we have very similar gestures and ways of moving our hands, bodies, etc. I am almost an exact replica of my mom in my face. My sis has our dad's mouth but other than that, her features are...from somewhere else? And my niece has my sister's face shape and looks like her as a child, but she spends more time with her dad and her gestures and standing stance are a lot more like her dad's. It's really interesting the mix of nature/nurture in how kids take after their parents.

@laurelew I'm sorry about the emotional stuff. That stuff hits me hard. The estrogen is rough, and then the progesterone makes me hungry, grumpy, bloated, and constipated. I've never taken them both at the same time, so that's going to be an interesting ride for me. I have baseline on Wednesday so that ride will start soon.

After the stuff with my dog this week, I ended up skipping the baby shower altogether. A friend of mine went and said there were a ton of people there, so I didn't feel guilty about it. I sent presents and I think my friend will understand. Self-preservation kind of took precedent over being there for my friend in the end. Just couldn't do it.

Lots of hugs to everyone, all around

laurelew · May 2020

@lucyb1954 My sister and I are the same way. Some people will say we look alike but our features are actually completely opposite. She looks a lot like my dad and I look like ???. But our speech patterns are similar. Also randomly our handwriting is very similar where we've both seen something the other one has written and wondered when we wrote that, lol.

I've seen enough people with DE conceived children who also have bio children who have said that somehow their DE conceived child will look the most like them and act the most like them. So I'm not too worried about the genetic component. I do sometimes worry that I will feel outnumbered by being the only female in the house (thanks to PGS I know that as long as one of my four remaining embryos works, I'll have a little boy).

laurelew · June 2020

I received a call from my RE this morning letting me know that my ERA results showed I was pre-receptive, meaning I should have had 24 hours more of the progesterone before transferring. She is going to have one of the coordinators look over my calendar to determine how this will affect our transfer plans for this month (the two options would be starting the progesterone a day sooner or delaying the transfer for one day). Still waiting for more information...

@laurad75 Thinking of you today. How did everything go?

JamieH2000 · June 2020

@laurad75- thinking of you today also! Hoping you got good news!

@lucyb1954- I worried about all the same things before my son. But now I honestly couldn’t love another child more or want another one. I do sometimes get bummed about the genetic part bc he’s just so awesome I wish I could have HIS genes. But I know I’m making my impact thru nurture. A DE mom to follow is definingmum on IG. What she writes is so helpful from someone who has gone through this!

@lauralew- I’m so glad you did the ERA!! So good to know this before a transfer!

lucyb1954 · June 2020

@laurelew wow, great information for next transfer! Do you have a tentative schedule for transfer?

@JamieH2000 that’s reassuring. I always have these unexpected triggers that set me off and I just keep wondering when those will disappear and I hope that when I finally get pregnant some of those will subside in volume. Did you say at some point you told your story online somewhere? Would love to listen!

@laurad75 hope you’re doing okay. Thinking of you ❤️

laurelew · June 2020

@lucyb1954 Right now the tentative date of transfer I have is June 15. I'm still waiting for a call from the nurse coordinator to confirm if that will be changing at all now that we have the ERA results. If I don't hear anything by lunchtime tomorrow (Wednesday), I'll try calling to ask. I feel like the next month is going to feel extra long...

laurad75 · June 2020

Thanks gang. Beta was negative and I’m so glad I tested. I needed to be a little prepared but I still fell apart on the call and my husband had to take over to schedule the follow up. It’s not like me to lose it like that but the reality and official negative results were hard to hear.

@laurelew good news about your ERA. It’s reassuring to have ore information.

lucyb1954 · June 2020

@laurad75 I’m so sorry. I’m sure that must be heartbreaking even though you can try again. I hope that in your follow up you can have a good regroup with your RE about the next try. Sending hugs ❤️❤️❤️❤️

JamieH2000 · June 2020

@laurad75- ughhh

you have had a rough round for number 1 and now number 2! It’s not supposed to be this hard once we have the embryos. I’m so sorry. Just hoping you can transfer again as soon as you are ready and this will be the sticky perfect embryo

@lucyb1954- some the triggers definitely disappeared for me with pregnancy and time. I did share my story on Beat Infertility podcast episode 162. We also shared our story publicly on YouTube.

Here is the link if you are interested. Lots of TW for loss, success, etc

https://youtu.be/twhJTtl2vIw

laurelew · June 2020

@JamieH2000 Thank you for sharing your story! I watched both of your YouTube videos about both sides of your journey and it was extremely moving. I hope that one day I will be as blessed.

JamieH2000 · June 2020

@lauralew- of course no one can guarentee it, but after being on these boards for 4 years, I have never seen anyone who has moved on to donor eggs not have success eventually. Keep the faith and keep trying as long as you are mentally, physically, and financially able to! I have such high hopes for everyone hwre!

radmom27 · June 2020

@lauralew I'm up for an ERA if this transfer doesn't work. Nice to know that they found something to fix on yours. Sometimes just a little tweak like that makes a huge difference. We also will likely be transfer buddies. I'm transferring on June 10th pending my lining check today (I think it should be OK but waiting for the phone call).
@laurad75 I'm so sorry about the negative. I always tell myself that I'm going to be OK when I get bad news but it always hits me hard. I hope you're doing OK. When do you have a follow-up? Any idea of next steps?

laurelew · June 2020

@radmom27 Excited to have you as my transfer buddy! This cycle feels like it is crawling... My lining check will be next Tuesday, June 9. Finally got in touch with someone to confirm how the pre-receptivity will affect my calendar and the current plan is just to push the transfer date back one day to June 16.

lucyb1954 · June 2020

Hi @radmom27 and @laurelew! So happy you all are transferring soon and hoping for your BFPs!
I went in for baseline yesterday...my lining is still a little thicker than they wanted at 6.5mm but I was only on the first full flow day of my period, so we're going to start my calendar on Friday with expected FET on June 29. That feels like such an epic long time away, so much time for me to get nervous. First FET ever and just hoping for my miracle. Sometimes it feels like how could that ever happen, after so much disappointment. I want to be hopeful, but I also feel so guarded, like I just want to protect myself from the inevitable...I'm sure a lot of you feel like that too. @JamieH2000 You've been through so much! I watched your video and honestly, I don't know how you were able to keep going, you must have had some dark moments

My next check in/bloodwork is Monday, which seems really soon because I'm starting my patches on Monday but I have no idea, never done this before!

@laurad75 Lots of hugs

Thinking of you.

@peaceful_angel how are you? Are things opening up so you can do your FET?

radmom27 · June 2020

@lauralew Cycling always feels SO slow but never as slow as the first week after a transfer. I'm not looking forward to the 2WW. One day delay isn't bad!!! I just got the green light to go through with transfer next week. My lining needs to thicken up a bit so they upped my estrogen with additional patches. I can't wait for more hormones....Ugh. Good luck next Tuesday!!!!!!

@lucyb1954 I totally get the guarded feeling. I always tell myself that whatever transfer I'm on doesn't mean much to me and that I'll be OK either way (so untrue....every failure hurts and I always want every transfer to work just as much as the one before). My heart has been so broken from all the past failures and I went through such a profound and deep depression after a miscarriage five years ago, that I do everything to protect myself as best as I can. I can't afford to go down into that deep hole of a place again!! I don't think we acknowledge enough how hard all of this is. Such an emotional roller coaster no matter how much we try to protect ourselves. I hope your checkup goes well on Monday!!! I agree with JamieH2000...donor eggs seem to be the key to success. My biggest regret was that I resisted for so long.

laurelew · June 2020

@radmom27 I know what you mean about that TWW. At this point I feel so numb to everything I keep thinking that this TWW won't be as stressful as the first (doesn't help that my first FET took place literally the day before my state shut down for the pandemic so in addition to waiting for my results, I was also waiting to see what would happen in the US and in my community, etc.).

Every day I take inventory of where I'm at in this cycle (only 3 more weeks until my first beta!). However I know that even if I succeed in getting that BFP (it would be my first ever), that doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet. Being a part of the infertility community I feel like we are all even more acutely aware of the losses that can occur at any time throughout the journey, especially during those first few weeks of pregnancy.

@lucyb1954 So exciting to have that transfer date!! Best of luck with your FET prep. What does your protocol entail? My prep always feels like a roller coaster, even when I know what to expect. These hormones really do a number on me. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling very cranky and depressed. It was my third or fourth day in a row feeling depressed (and logically knowing that I was fine but unable to shake those heavy feelings). On Wednesday I had just started my highest dosages of estrogen during the prep (my RE has me gradually build up the number of patches and pills before slightly decreasing again once we start the PIO). So I felt certain I would never escape from that cloud of depression until all of this was over. Then I took a quick nap around lunchtime and woke up feeling like myself again, so strange -- but I'm not complaining!

JamieH2000 · June 2020

So much happening on this board and I love it! Tho it’s hard to keep up with so I need to check in more!
@lucyb1954- aww thanks! I had some real dark moments! But that’s why I share the story- to encourage others to keep going since it’s worth it all in the end!

@radmom27- transfer is so soon! I’m so excited for you and @lauralew!! Gonna be a great week!

i finally got AF today after 66 days! Definitely had a cyst. Baseline is Monday and I would eatimate a transfer around 6/29 hopefully! Maybe we will be transfer buddies @lucyb1954

lucyb1954 · June 2020

@laurelew my protocol seems fairly simple. I’m only doing patches, and I do two at a time and change them every 3 days. This is my first FET though so I think it will depend on how my lining does...just a whole lot of unknowns for the moment! The estrogen is really hard on me. Anything above 4mg a day really causes some depression. I was ready to cancel my last OE cycle if they made me prep for another week on the estrogen cuz it was getting to me!

@JamieH2000 the only way to get through this for me is to be able to hear from others who have gone through it. There’s so many fears and it can feel soooo lonely at times and just big and scary. My boyfriend isn’t super intent on kids. He’s on board but he doesn’t have the same desire as I do so it can be a little lonely that way because he just kinda doesn’t get it. I hope we get to be transfer buddies!!! So exciting you get to start your calendar. Here we go!

@radmom27 and @laurelew transfers are so soon!!! Sending ❤️🤞💪

@laurad75 hugs ❤️

laurelew · June 2020

@JamieH2000 Yes too trying to remember who I need to check in with! I updated my signature to include my transfer date and beta date for this month to try to make it easier for others, lol.

@lucyb1954 I understand a bit of how hard it is to feel like you're going through things alone. My husband definitely wants kids and we talk about what it will be like to have a child all the time. However I don't think he feels the clock ticking the same way I do. He also processes his emotions very differently than I do and doesn't tend to get stressed or worried about the outcome any month. More so he just worries about the impact on me (which is sweet of him). I think he recognizes the impact infertility has on my body and tends to say it's "my body, my choice" regarding whatever steps I want to take next whenever something doesn't work. So it's great that he's "supportive" but it would also be great to feel like he cares as much as I do (he does care, he just doesn't show it the same way I do...)

@laurad75 Thinking of you.

lucyb1954 · June 2020

@laurelew It's such a funny thing -- I lament sometimes that he's not as invested as I am, but at the same time while I was going through OE IVF, I was almost relieved that he wasn't as invested because I felt like my body was failing me and I couldn't bear thinking it was failing him too. I do wish we could talk more about it, but we def approach things differently...he's definitely a step by step, let's cross that bridge when we get to it, type of thinker. I'm a crazy anxious worrier! I pose all these questions at him and he's like...sweetie, let's just focus on what we're doing now. But because I am more invested, I am worrying more...Idk! How are you feeling as you get closer to transfer? When do you start PIO? I've never done it, it sounds awful!

How's everyone else doing??? @radmom27 you're getting close too! I also wish I had just moved on to DE sooner. Would have saved me some emotional suffering, and some money too. Also could have been preggo by now, but hindsight is 20/20...sigh. It's hard to move on -- given that you've had some really good retrievals, I'm sure it was hard for you too. Have you been successful before with DE?

@JamieH2000 I just watched your birth story video....wow! Craziness! hopefuljj's is bananas too, it's like just when you think the ride can't get any crazier, watch out for the birth part!

I went in for an E2 test today, my first since starting patches on Friday. One of the other coordinators called me and told me now I have to do three patches every three days instead of two; it somehow just went to my VM and I didn't talk to her. My usual coordinator knows to always tell me my results and numbers, but she's out on Mondays and the other lady didn't tell me my actual numbers. Mood swings to be coming on soon! Lordy. I was really hoping to stay at two, I'm going to have to talk to my coordinator tomorrow. I really, really hope this won't end up being the ONE time in my IVF career that I don't grow a good lining! Booooo....

laurelew · June 2020

@radmom27 Best of luck with your transfer this week!!

@lucyb1954 It's always frustrating to get that call that you need to change your dosage. I've had that problem with the progesterone. I try not to drive myself crazy with getting too in the weeds with details so I don't know what my numbers were during my last transfer but instead of doing 1.0 PIO, I now start with 1.5 PIO pre-transfer and 2.0 post transfer. But it always feels worrisome when they call and say they're going to "tweak" some part of the protocol. Hard to ignore that visceral reaction of "what is my body not doing correctly now."

afm: I had my lining check this morning. Still waiting to get a call this afternoon to review the protocol but everything looked good. One more week until the FET. Mentally I have my first beta date in my head as the BIG date to countdown to this month (trying to prep myself for the emotional roller-coaster of the TWW). After the initial hormone induced depression last week, the fog has lifted and I feel like myself again. I finally took advantage of my sister's Disney+ log-in and have been keeping myself busy exploring some of the program on there.

JamieH2000 · June 2020

@lauralew- only one week?! So close! The tww is so stressful but it’s the only way to get to a baby I guess. Will you test early or wait for beta?

@lucyb1954- oo you watched the second video we did? Yes unfortunately my pregnancy and delivery was not smooth! But going through IF really gave me perspective and the nurses were amazed at how well I was handling it all while living in and out of the hospital the month before we delivered Early. I was just so relieved when he arrived safety, even if 1.5 months early! we are tough ladies after all of this!!
also, we are gonna be transfer buddies!! 6/29 is my date and they were able to get me in with my RE (ours rotate days). So I’m feeling positive. Time to start the big shots tonight- estrogen!

laurelew · June 2020

@JamieH2000 I watched the second video too. You story was incredible! The challenges we face in life really do prepare us for obstacles we may encounter later on. In 2014 I decided to leave an unhealthy marriage. My ex-husband suffered from a number of diagnosed mental health issues and was on a downward spiral. After trying to support him in getting help for many years, I finally realized that I could only save one of us and that person had to be me. Our divorce was finalized in 2015 and he passed away in January 2016 (the details are hazy but I suspect that he just continued on that downward spiral after I left). Being a 30 year old divorcee was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, especially knowing I wanted to be a mom one day and that I might have missed that window of opportunity depending on how long it would take me to meet someone new, etc.

For whatever reason, I've always worried I would have trouble with infertility. My husband and I started trying as soon as we were married in June 2018 and sure enough, it did not come easy for us. But I look at it as I'm very lucky to be able to have someone who I love enough to go through this journey with. The financial aspect of IF also stressed me out (it seriously felt like salt in the wound), but I am blessed to have access to this technology and the means to be able to take advantage of it. So yes, IF sucks but all things considered, I can't complain too much. Thanks to IF, I can also feel myself becoming much better at rolling with the punches and letting go of expectations, two skills that I know will make me a better mom in the future.

Right now, I feel a sense of dissociation this cycle. Maybe it's a subconscious effort to protect my heart and mind from future pain. I want to say I will try to wait for the date of the beta to POAS, but who knows where I'll be at in a week or so. Also, I just found out they're actually going to do my first beta test on June 24 (I had assumed it would be the 25th). So I really only have to wait one week to find out if the FET was successful or not.

laurad75 · June 2020

Hi gang. I took a little break after my negative mostly because my laptop broke and I hate the app. We will be able to roll right into another transfer as soon as we have insurance approval but that’s taking longer than usual. I’m on bcp in the meantime so I can control my cycle and start meds as soon as we get the approval.

I hope everyone here is moving along nicely.

laurelew · June 2020

Great to hear from you @laurad75 ! Hopefully you get that insurance approval soon.

lucyb1954 · June 2020

@JamieH2000 yay! Transfer buddies! Hopefully that makes me as lucky as you

How do you deal with all the estrogen? Man, now that I am on three patches I'm pretty much a narcoleptic, I feel soooo tired and nauseous. Emotionally doing okay so far, praying that my check in next Tuesday goes okay so I don't have to do more. When I did OE IVF priming with patches, it was the first time I started stims with an FSH below 15. I really hate the oral estrace so hopefully the patches will get me there.

@laurelew totally understandable about the dissociation. After so much failure, it's so hard to be hopeful. I'm trying to put one foot in front of the other and not think too much about what I would feel like if this failed. I'm so scared. It's just hard to imagine success. You sound like an incredibly strong lady, friend -- you've gotten through a lot during your time and yes, this will all make you a better mother! I admire your outlook on seeing the gifts of IF...someday I will get there! But my boyfriend does remind me when I'm feeling down that a.) there is a reason that DE exists - because people need it, not just me and b.) we have the resources to do this which is extremely fortunate. I think knowing your adjusted window of success for implantation will give you a leg up this time and I have a lot of hope for your transfer

@laurad75 Glad to see you back

and in the saddle (so to speak!). The app does suck

it's good you're on BCP so you can just start the moment you get that approval. I wish my insurance covered any of this, but alas...don't get me started on the state of the medical system!

JamieH2000 · June 2020

@lauralew- wow, you are a strong woman! Good for you for saving yourself. I def believe you are going to be an amazing strong mom- soon!! I can’t wait for you! It’s weird how we have these gut feelings... when I didn’t get pregnant in the first months (at 27) I just had this horrible feeling. When my first ivf was cancelled when I was only 28, I just had this feeling we had would need donor eggs. Women’s intuition is no joke

@lucyb1954- sorry you feeling so icky on the estrogen! Most ladies tend to feel good on estrogen and not great on progesterone! The estrogen doesn’t effect me much and my levels get in the thousands with the patches, pills and shots. I hope your body gets used to it since your estrogen will be elevated throughout pregnancy! So excited we get to transfer together!

@laurad75- glad you are back and I really hope you can get going again soon! You’ve probably tried this, but I always had the best luck calling the insurance directly and bugging them about my pre approval...

laurad75 · June 2020

@JamieH2000 We haven’t called yet but I suppose we can try. I’m glad to hear it works!

radmom27 · June 2020

Hey hey hey everyone! @lauralew I hope your lining check went well. I did my transfer on Wednesday. Aside from feeling nauseous and hungry at the same time from the progesterone and estrogen, I feel totally fine. I did great yesterday but today I'm starting to get the itch just to know or not if it worked. Sigh. Must be patient. Must be patient. how is everyone else doing??

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