Ask a STM+ February

ziggymama06 · February 2020

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Also called the “stupid questions” thread, welcome to a safe place to ask (almost) anything. Here’s where you can ask all of your burning questions when you haven’t been able to get a clear answer from Google. You don’t have to be a STM+ to answer, however it’s best to give answers from your own personal experience or widely trusted resources (e.g. a physician or a quote from a pregnancy book).

As a reminder, we are not medical professionals and will not answer questions such as “do you see a line on this hpt?” And “do you think it’s a boy or girl based on my early ultrasound?” anywhere on this board, including this thread.

ziggymama06 · February 2020

I'm in my brother's wedding ~5-6 weeks postpartum. I need to order the dress this week. It's a normal cocktail dress that I can order from the department store (thankfully!), but that also means that I can really ask an associate on recommended sizing. Do any S+TMs recall how their sizing was during this timeframe compared to their "normal" sizing? Thx!!

blackgirlmagic · February 2020

@ziggymama06 I feel like every women's body is different. Some women bounce back like they never were pregnant and some women hold on to the weight a little longer. I know that for me I had to consume a lot of calories to keep my breast milk flowing, so I did not lose weight while pregnant. Thankfully you have some time after giving birth. Maybe you could order the dress 2-3 week pp to see what your body is adjusting before you order it?

wildrainbow · February 2020

@ziggymama06 I'm at my skinniest 5-6 weeks PP, then I gain weight to keep up with the demand my high metabolism babes require, so I always gain weight BF. That said, I also dont gain a lot of weight while pregnant, I dunno why, never figured it out. I agree with @blackgirlmagic and maybe see how you are 2-3 weeks PP. Remember that you will prolly still be a little swollen, etc. from birth.

tara4910 · February 2020

@ziggymama06 I gained 40lbs and 1 month postpartum I was still 15lbs over my regular weight. I was about 2 sizes larger than my regular size (usually a 6-8, wore a 10-12 the first couple months postpartum). My chest was huge from breastfeeding too. I would order up and have it altered closer to the event if you can.

Curious to hear from ST+ moms who have their kids sharing a room. We only have 2 bedrooms so baby will start off in our room and eventually share a room with our 4.5 year old. How soon will they be able to share a room? I’m hoping by 5-6 months? What do you think? Any tips?

ziggymama06 · February 2020

@blackgirlmagic @wildrainbow @tara4910 Thank you girls! Unfortunately, since the dress is a Calvin Klein-type, I can't risk it being out of season and not finding it pp. It's a pretty big bridal party so it would be noticeable if I was wearing something that didn't match exactly. I think I'll just order 2-3 sizes larger and alter it as needed, like @tara4910 suggested.

blackgirlmagic · February 2020

tara4910 I'm in the same boat as you. We only have two bedrooms and my daughter will be four by the time baby gets here. We don't plan to move until Summer 2021. My daughter was always a great sleeper, so I'm expecting this baby to be a horrible sleeper and I don't want him to disturb my daughters sleep. I'm hoping by six months we can get on a great routine and have them share rooms. My other mom friends told me that they wished they room shared their kids sooner than they did.

coldlife · February 2020

@ziggymama06. With my first, I would have fit in my regular size by that time. I was wearing my regular clothes. My chest increased in size by .5-1ish cups during my pregnancy, but didn't seem to increase any more after having her, and I exclusively breastfed.

With my second, I was still a bit bigger, but not 2-3 sizes worth. More like .5-1 size. And my chest was basically the same as with my prior baby.

@tara4910, we had a small house when our second was born, and they were in the same room straight off. I paid super close attention so our second wouldn't cry too much and wake her up. Our older girl woke up a couple times, but she got used to the noises very quickly. I've also heard the same thing from my sister, who was living in a house with just an open loft for a bedroom when she had her second, and then later in a one-room, one-level place a few months after.

Not ideal, but it can work at any time.

tara4910 · February 2020

@blackgirlmagic Haha! Fingers crossed that you just make great sleepers and it won’t be an issue. We had to sleep train at 6 months and then DD was a pretty good sleeper, I might do the same but earlier with this one. But I don’t even know how I’d sleep train without disturbing DD1! I totally agree about not wanting to mess with her sleep.

blackgirlmagic · February 2020

tara4910 we had to sleep train her around six months, but it was not that big of a fight after about a week. Everyone tells me that since she was/is a great child all around, that this one is going to give us a run for our money, and that's what I'm preparing myself for.

[Deleted User] · February 2020

@ziggymama06 I dropped the first 25 lbs PP pretty easily, but I'm not sure it was gone by 5-6 weeks really.... Bodies are different, but I would still definitely say tho it's better to err on the side of more room to take the dress in later, vs. too fitted and there's often not much of a seam allowance in these things to let out. :/

roo_baby · February 2020

@ziggymama06 I was pretty much back to my normal size at 5-6 weeks pp, but my boobs were much bigger and I was a lot pudgier in the middle. I would maybe just order 1 size up from where you are now (assuming you are starting to show a little), and you can always get it taken in last minute if it's too big somewhere.

@tara4910 we are also going to have the 2 kids share a room. We do have a separate area where we can put a PNP until the little one is sleeping for longer stretches or if they are on different nap schedules, so that should help. But I'm still nervous about it.

wildrainbow · February 2020

Ok, can I get some advice/what would you do? I have to have a baby shower this go round because we have nothing baby wise anymore. We were done having kids then this pregnancy kinda shocked the heck out of us. So, how can I do that? I mean ds2 is only 15 mo, so I know people will be like, they just had a kid! I've never had a baby shower, when ds1 was born, all we had was a carseat and a PNP, seriously. It would be better if I were having a girl, but since it's another boy, I know it may not be the best. Does that make sense?

chrissyw0618 · February 2020

@ziggymama06 I gained about 40 lbs (most of it in 3rd tri and MOSTLY fluids). I lost 17 lbs before I left the hospital after my c section (5 lb baby, 1-2 lb placenta, some blood and the rest water my body was holding on to at the end of the pregnancy). By the time we had our first visitors I could fit all my old dresses, my stomach was just saggy. I was MAYBE 10 lbs heavier when it was all said and done at the 6 week mark. I never lost that 10 lbs though.

@tara4910 my biggest fear is that the baby would interrupt the sleep of the 4 yr old or vice versa. Can't really tell until the baby comes what type of sleeper he/she will be. Some can't sleep through a peep. But I just say plan accordingly, worst case scenario the baby have to sleep in your room a little longer.

@wildrainbow I wouldn't have a problem with you having a baby shower. My son is also 1.5 yrs old and I plan on having 1 or 3 baby showers. Last time I had a baby shower and MH had a diaper party. We want to involve our families more this time since this will likely be our last baby and we didn't get to include them last time (we live in different states from our families). We don't plan on asking for the big stuff but diapers, clothes, toiletries, those things you always need. Also you can pair it with another celebration like Memorial Day or Easter that way its not just a baby shower but a traditional family gathering.

gomillis · February 2020

@wildrainbow I’d hope that your friends and family would understand that you didn’t have a shower before and got rid of your baby stuff and would be totally cool with it. Anyway, everyone loves a party right?

If you’re really worried, you could ask someone close who knows your situation to throw it on your behalf.

[Deleted User] · February 2020

I would never throw my own shower, and SIL threw us an uh-mazing one last time!!! But that said, there are still certain things we would want / need for a second baby. Double stroller being a big one, but also since we just did the mini crib for DD, and she still sleeps sidecarred in our room (except occasional naptime on her floorbed), I would also like to have a full size crib / toddler bed for her to graduate into. Potty training stuff like bathroom stepstools and such, bigger kid feeding stuff, chairs to go with the activity center, maybe some fresh nb clothes too - certain favorite items. And honestly we are so far behind in graduating DD up to her convertible carseat as well. So a lot of what we might need is really for DD now that she is a bigger kid, but I mean.... I hope people would understand and still want to give you stuff + CELEBRATE <i>This</i> baby otw ❤️ @wildrainbow Maybe market it as more of a sprinkle just to keep it a bit lower key? Idk, I guess what I'm saying is I sorta have the same question as you! Lol

blackgirlmagic · February 2020

@wildrainbow I believe that every baby should be celebrated. A sprinkle would be perfect. And since we are having summer babies you or someone else could easily make it like a cook out at the park so it fun for all or something like that. I'm sure someone would want to throw something for you even it is small.

coldlife · February 2020

I have to say, I would side eye it a bit. I'm not a big fan of big showers for subsequent babies, but of course, you can do it if you'd like. Also, a shower is a party someone throws in honor of you. It's pretty tacky to throw one for yourself.

Be prepared that you may not get tons of stuff, and you're going to have to buy it anyway. At my baby shower for my first, I got the car seat and a couple CD covers. That's literally the only things off my registry we got. The rest was clothes, blankets, baby silverware (which we have used, but I now have other shallower spoons I like a lot more), medical stuff (which was either unnecessary [we already had an ear/forehead thermometer, and turns out now, I don't like them anyway] or stuff we don't use [baby tylenol]), etc. I'm definitely appreciative, and we do use the clothes and blankets and things, but we didn't get the really useful stuff or the more expensive stuff like a stroller, baby carrier, furniture, more CDs and wetbags, etc.

So, while yea, I would side eye, I still would probably go and get a small gift. I wouldn't hate you forever and end a friendship over it.

wildrainbow · February 2020

I need to clarify, I'm not throwing this shower myself. I am not a fan of baby showers, but I have zero baby things, from diapers to clothes, to anything. My sister mentioned doing one, so here was where I came for the question.

roo_baby · February 2020

If you need stuff for the baby, a shower isn’t the best way to get it. Yes you will get some blankets and teddy bears and outfits, but you can’t expect that to replace everything you’ve given away.

Your best bet is to join your local buy nothing group, or moms groups where people frequently give away and sell used items at a low price. You can also look for things on Facebook marketplace, Craigslist, goodwill, Nextdoor, etc. if you don’t want to pay full price for new.

We may have a sprinkle, but the expectation would be to celebrate the baby and not to restock our baby supplies.

lachnessmomster · February 2020

@wildrainbow Personally, I don't think you should sugarcoat it into being anything other than what it is - a baby shower/sprinkle. IMO, masking a shower for a fun family BBQ or Easter gathering would be pretty tacky. If it's simply easier for your family/friends to schedule one big event, I suppose that's one thing, but to be like, 'Hey, let's all get together for a Memorial Day BBQ...but also, bring a gift, because it's my shower, too,' would rub me the wrong way. I would keep them separate.

I'm like @coldlife, though, in that I don't love showers for subsequent children in general. Of course, every baby should be celebrated, but a shower where people bring gifts isn't the ultimate end-all-be-all celebration of new life.

That being said, I've attended subsequent showers for friends and family, and showed up smiling with gifts. Lol. I really don't know how you would go about hint-hint, nudge-nudging someone into hosting one for you, though. I would never ask, so I don't even know how I would personally approach the subject. I guess in this case, the what-would-I-do scenario is that I just wouldn't.

[Deleted User] · February 2020

I guess our family is maybe more generous than most??? My mom got us our travel system and organic mattress (amongst other things), others gifted us the high chair, crib, pack n play, nursery rocker, rock n play, activity center, and then some! We really didn't have to buy any big ticket items that I can remember, (although I won't say what I single-handedly spent on CDs :#) I had already bought most of the linens, and recieved giftcards to use on other smaller finishing touches for the nursery. I have to say, I was blown away by everyone's generosity, but maybe that's not typical.

kimbo262 · February 2020

@ziggymama06 I was back to my prepregnancy weight by 4 weeks PP, but the weight distribution was way different. My chest was definitely larger and tummy was quiet squishy. To some extent this change is still here 4 years later. 😂 Size way up, then you can take it in and tailor it to fit you perfectly when the event happens.

@wildrainbow Do you have friends with babies nearby? I have nothing baby wise either (gave it all away), but we have friends offering tons of stuff- from toys to swings to bouncers, etc. If you have visitors after baby is born, you’ll probably receive gifts as well.

Showers/sprinkles I have been to for second/third babies, etc most gifts have been clothes since I think most people assume you already have the big items.

coldlife · February 2020

It's possible you'll get a ton of stuff, but you never know. And, I'm not trying to say this to be rude, but really, it's no one's responsibility except the parents to prepare for a baby. No one deserves a shower. It's very nice of your sister to offer one.

The things needed for a baby are a lot less than what the baby industry leads us to believe. A few clothes, diapers, a car seat, and some sort of sleeping surface is about it. We didn't even have any sort of bouncing seat-type thing until my daughter was too old for it anyway (she'd grab the toy rail and try to pull herself out rather than play with the toys.) Lots of stuff can be bought second hand.

@businesswife, I'm sure it does vary. Our car seat? Three different families (very close relatives) went in on it together. And it's around $200 - definitely not the most expensive thing out there.

lachnessmomster · February 2020

@wildrainbow Just chiming back in to say that I didn't see that your sister mentioned throwing one until after I posted. That's great that she offered to host, and maybe just keep mom's groups or secondhand options in mind for if people don't gift you all of the necessities at the shower.

gomillis · February 2020

@wildrainbow If your sister is offering, I definitely think it’s fine to take her up on it.

Whether I give people side eye for things like this totally depends on the context. If they’re a nice, low key person and their situation justifies it, no side eye at all. If they’re really attention seeking and do things like this as another excuse to get attention, definite side eye. When a friend of mine had her first baby, she had a gender reveal, a shower, and a “diaper party,” all of which involved gifts. She also had three receptions, an engagement party, a shower, and two bachelorette parties when she got married. So, there was definitely some well deserved side eye there.

RedBaramid · February 2020

@wildrainbow : I heard you on the having nothing.. we were one and done and we let EVERYBODY know that.. we were so one and done that we almost got rid of the crib.. but held onto it because it could be converted into a bed frame. We're not using it, it's in storage.. but at least we have a crib. My daughter is 5 and we still have only 4 acquaintances here that we ever see, and really out of those 4 only 2 that we make plans with every other month or so.

So... I'd LOVE a sprinkle. The only blankets and loveys I kept from my daughter are the same ones I've packed away for any children she has in her future.. and I don't really want to use them on a new baby. I'm sure we will have family wanting to purchase gifts and send them our way too. So far our daughter is the only official baby of this generation (though my cousin is working on that adoption process we are all hoping will happen so badly). I've created an amazon registry mostly for ourselves, I am keeping a list of things I want to get/will get and they have a deal where if so much is spent purchasing items from your registry you get 20% off diapers for the first year starting at the due date you put in for your child. Since it was stuff we're gonna buy anyway I thought it could maybe be a money saver. I'm in this awkward place where I want to share this registry with the people who I know (and when I say I know.. I KNOW) will be sending gifts but I don't want to seem like we're asking for help. We're fine. We've got this baby covered... But we moved and everyone's gonna ship gifts or send cash anyway soo...

lachnessmomster · February 2020

@gomillis Yikes. A gender reveal, shower, AND diaper party sounds like my literal nightmare. 😂 Also, ETA, what gifts would possibly be given at a gender reveal!?

[Deleted User] · February 2020

I always thought a gender reveal was more like a mocktail party.... Just people getting together to catch up have some snacks, find out(!) Squee!!!, and call it a day!

@lachnessmomster Giftcards encouraged, but not required. :D j/k

cornichonmam · February 2020

@ziggymama06 I thaught I'd chip in because I did alterations for several years. In terms of what size you'll be 5-6pp every one is different. I'd lost my water weight by 6w but I made the mistake of buying some new jeans at 8wpp and by 13wpp they were falling off even though I weighed only about 2lb less. It can take a long time for your stomach mucles to come back in, I also didn't have diastasis recti and had a fairly average seperation.

I think the idea of buying it big and getting it tailored closer to the day is probbably the best idea, if you have to buy it now. I would do two things. First try and find some one to do the alterations sooner rather than later so they can give you a slot in their diary, it should only take a few days to be done but it will be wedding season so they might be very buisy. Secondly when trying on the dress now try and pick a size that is going to give you space in the bust and stomach but isn't too big around the shoulders and neck line as these areas are more difficult to alter.

lachnessmomster · February 2020

@BusinessWife Hahaha. That's what I thought! It's just out of control! Multiple parties for one baby, all requiring presents? My thought after being invited to that many events would be, 'Do you (general) want me to support this kid FOR you? HOW MANY GIFTS DO I NEED TO PROVIDE?'

And don't even get me started on the "Bring a book, not a card!" situation. I'll never shut up.

ETA: In all seriousness, I do want to say that my SIL is having a virtual baby shower today. Of course, I sent presents for the baby, but around Christmastime, I also mailed her a "vaginal/postpartum care kit" of sorts and included all the things I thought she could use. Dermoplast, freezable pads, a round tailbone cushion for her to sit on post-birth, a couple Pink Stork labor and recovery teas, sitz bath soaks, herbal perineal spray, witch hazel pads, a peri-bottle with solution, nursing pads, etc. I put everything in a big basket, wrapped it in cellophane, and made it look all pretty. I honestly feel like that's the real gift. I needed those kinds of things 100 times more than a million onesies. Don't be afraid to add those sorts of items to your registries, ladies!

babytimeagain · February 2020

@wildrainbow I agree with what others have said. If your sister has offered to throw you a shower, I’d totally take her up on that! Especially since it’s a subsequent pregnancy (and a boy), I’d call it a sprinkle. Low-key, some apps and cake, etc. I just went to one for my friend who’s having another boy, and she mainly received clothes, diapers and wipes, and gift cards.

wildrainbow · February 2020

Thanks, ladies. I'm not really the type who wants to be in the spotlight, so agreeing to it was hard. But my family has pushed for a shower for every live birth I've had, and this one we have more of a reason, so I said yes. It will be super low key and super casual, because I ain't dressing up, lol. I will be lucky to be moving in late spring/summer down here, where it becomes the 7th circle of hell.

tyrion_ · February 2020

@BusinessWife For my first baby we didn’t have to buy any of the big ticket items because of the generosity of our friends and family going totally overboard. But for our second, it was more low key and got smaller items/gifts for that shower because we had everything and didn’t really register for much.

@wildrainbow I’m on the “subsequent showers make me sweat and I find tacky.” That being said, it appears I’m in the minority in my real life because my sister has already brought up a shower (for baby #3?!), ignored my wishes, and has moved forward with planning with my mom and other sister. Same thing happened with #2. Even work threw me a shower against my protests.

All that to say, a lot of people just want a reason to celebrate. Let them. Register for what you need and want. And people will buy you what they want from that list (or not). Whatever big items you may have left you can find second hand for super cheap.

Honestly, I don’t think there are many of us left that follow old etiquette of one shower 😂

jwhite3116 · February 2020

@wildrainbow and @RedBaramid we are in the same boat. We gave all our baby stuff away over a year ago. We were done and then surprise!

Luckily my sister still has our swing and a click-in infant car seat stroller and we still have the crib and pack and play for when friends and family who still have young children come over. The only large things we need are the bassinet and infant car seat. But clothing and cloth diapers are all things we'll need to stock up on. I'm hoping to get clothes from my sister (if baby's a girl) or my SIL (if baby's a boy). We have tons of blankets too. Oh my gosh no more blankets!

@wildrainbow I think it's sweet that your sister wants to throw you a baby shower. I hate being the center of attention as well. Opening presents in front of people is weird. I had three with my first and I refused to have one with my second. Three was plenty and we got everything we needed.

@BusinessWife and @tyrion_ we have very generous family as well. We got all of our big ticket items at our showers. It was amazing. When we thought we were done we paid it forward by giving everything to family and close friends.

pengy16 · February 2020

For anyone who gave away items to family/friends who had kids after you, did they offer to give back the items (clothes) or did you just have to replace it all?
With DS1 we got mostly clothes at our shower we had to buy all the big items ourselves. We kept the big items over the years but most of the clothes for the first 12 months we have given to friends and family as they had kids. Of course at the time they said we will return it when we are done with them but now no mention of it since we said we are expecting #2. We didn't care at the time but now we are looking at what we have and will need to buy a whole new wardrobe for baby #2. It's also still early and we dont know what we are having but most was pretty neutral so we could reuse either way.

gomillis · February 2020

@jwhite3116 We were given more than 20 blankets when I was pregnant with DS. I counted.

roo_baby · February 2020

@pengy16 we were mostly given stuff back as soon as the other baby outgrew it so they didn’t forget whose it was. Or because they wanted it out of their house. I imagine some people we lent stuff to will lend back other stuff they are done with as well. I would make a casual joke like “We never thought we would get pregnant again so soon, but I guess now we are going to need all of those onesies back as soon as your little outgrows them” to let them know you want things back. I will say we didn’t lend out anything we would have been upset about not getting back, because things will get stained, ripped, etc. with kids no matter how hard the parents try to prevent it.

coldlife · February 2020

lachnessmomster said:

@BusinessWife Hahaha. That's what I thought! It's just out of control! Multiple parties for one baby, all requiring presents? My thought after being invited to that many events would be, 'Do you (general) want me to support this kid FOR you? HOW MANY GIFTS DO I NEED TO PROVIDE?'

And don't even get me started on the "Bring a book, not a card!" situation. I'll never shut up.

>snip<

I agree. I wouldn't bring a gift to a gender reveal. And if there were multiple gift giving events, I would split my gift budget up. I tend to buy a bunch of small things off the registry for baby showers. Two showers - you're getting half at one and half at the other. I'm not doubling my gift budget, and I don't feel one whit bad about it.

And same on the book/card thing. If I buy a book, it's coming out of the gift budget. I see some people say, "you'd be spending that much on a card anyway, so why not buy a book?" Well, no. That's assuming someone is buying a very expensive card. $4.99 is the cheapest I've ever seen for a new book, and that's only a few. There are $2.99 and $3.99 cards on the Hallmark rack if you're looking for a "regular" card. And most board books are going to be more than double that. Little Blue Truck is $8. Goodnight Moon is $9. Besides that, a lot of people I know make their own cards, so they're spending a lot less than that per card. I buy 10 or 20 packs of blank note cards, which average out to 10-50 cents a card, for various purposes and just use those. And I know plenty of people who just write on the tag on a gift bag or just have no card at all.

lachnessmomster · February 2020

@coldlife Right. It definitely turns into a money pit. A girlfriend of mine did the book thing, then she also had a diaper raffle where you could win prizes if you brought diapers. I'd already bought her multiple gifts from her registry, then the book, so I'm glad the diapers were optional, because I opted out of that.

And the thing is, her budget for the shower itself was astronomical. I took multiple trips with her as she purchased the prizes, decorations, whatever else, and I swear, she could've taken what she blew on the shower itself and just bought what she needed. She did have some help footing the bill, but also provided a lot of it herself.

I guess I just don't love being dictated about what I should bring to showers. There's already a registry spelling out EXACTLY what you want, why does it need to be any more specific than that?

emiliadkay · February 2020

@wildrainbow In your shoes, I would probably accept the shower, create a gift registry, but then make clear either on the invitation or through word of mouth that gifts are considered optional. Personally, I would be glad to celebrate your baby and wouldn't come empty handed. But in this phase of life when there are SO many weddings and showers and etc., I might cheap out a bit on this one, especially if I'd done a bigger gift for baby #1. Just my two cents.

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