@RedBaramid@laur84ns@wildrainbow@tara4910 Word guys! I yelled at my 3.5 year old a few times today and feel horrible it's so hard to keep your cool when you're exhausted and don't feel good. Hope it gets better for us all!
Married July 2014 DD born June 2016 Second due August 2020 (team green!)
Same with everyone else. My 5 year old does not do quiet, has no concept of time, and asks a million questions all day. I need space, I need sleep, I dont want to answer questions while exhausted and trying to get us to school/work on time which never seems to happen since he thinks I have all day for him to get ready. His dilly-dally game is always on point the days I really need to be at work on time/early so I am always extra late those days.
@pengy16 you are singing my song. my 5- year-old asks a million questions too! And getting her dressed in the morning should take 10 minutes tops and it takes like 30 minutes, with me badgering her the entire time. What is up with the friggin questions-- and sometimes I think they are the same ones over and over again.
@RedBaramid@wildrainbow@lachnessmomster@laur84ns I hope you all are having a restful Saturday. Hugs to you all! We've all had our moments and I definitely begged MH to come home from work a few times when I was a SAHM. It's like our brain goes into survival mode and we need a life line.
Dh had a hunting trip planned for September across the country. Am I nuts for giving him my blessing to go? I’ll still be on leave both sets of our parents are within 15 minutes. Our 4 yo will be back in school. A lot will depend on the length of time. I don’t think I could do a week but for some reason a few days doesn’t seem too daunting.
@WishesSheCouldCook my husband will also be going away in September, but to New York, we are in Maryland, and just for the weekend. I told him it was fine since it was just for two days max maybe. The days may be long, but I know we will survive. I think that a week is a long time an infant and older child. For three, maybe four days would not be too bad. Especially since you have family close by. Hopefully they can help with pick and drop off for your four year old if you need it.
Married: August 2012
TTC #1: July 2015
BFP 1: October 30, 2015; EDD: July 6, 2016- Team Pink
My DH is a farmer and will be helping with harvest in September/October. Harvest 2019 was very tough on me and I'm very nervous about the long long days with no break. I think a few days would be tough, but doable. We do get rain days depending on weather, but I'm trying to work out his brother doing one night a week so that at least I can count on him coming home from work and helping with dinner and bedtime occasionally!
I'm already preparing myself, my husband has quarterly work trips where he is gone for most of a week. He had one in January, he'll have 2 more during my pregnancy(one probably 2-3 weeks before I have this baby) and the first one post baby should be in October. I'm hoping by then I will have adjusted to having DD in school and this kid will be a couple of months old. We don't have a support system down here really at all so I'll be pretty much on my own when he goes. I suspect there will be lots of take out and crock pot meals that week for me.
@WishesSheCouldCook MH is self employed and literally travels all college football season from mid Aug through mid Dec. When I had DS at least I had MH home with me all summer (May-mid Aug with the exception of 2 trips) before we both went back to working a lot. This time I MAY get a couple weeks, if that. But DS will keep going to the nannyshare M-F even when I'm on maternity leave, and once the new baby gets her shots she'll start going to the nanny share in small increments.
STM DS (June 18 BMB vet) Married Aug 2016 Me 30 / DH 34 CS scheduled 7/26-8/12 Due 8/30
@WishesSheCouldCook You (and @coldlife!) are a better/stronger woman than me! I actually announced this pregnancy to DH by telling him his annual Labor Day hunting trip was cancelled, and I've been slowly helping him adjust to the idea that this season is going to look different from the past few. I can't remember when your EDD is, but I remember being especially dependent on DH the first 2-3 weeks with DS. The sleep deprivation and breastfeeding were both incredibly challenging for me, and I needed someone who was willing to feed and water me and let me ugly cry on their shoulder. A lot. But hopefully your parents and/or ILs can be that sort of support for you, because I do think letting at least one spouse maintain some sense of normalcy / get out and do the things they love can help the overall dynamic.
This is more of an older kid question... Does/did anyone keep their 3-5 yo home with a nanny instead of in preschool? We were planning to start ours in preschool around the same time this baby is born, but now I'm debating a nanny for both of them instead of just for the little one. Cost-wise it's about the same. Convenience-wise the nanny wins. But for social skills, I think it's better for my toddler to be with kids her own age and learn structure and discipline than to be with the baby. Preschool seemed like such an obvious decision, but now I just don't know.
@roo_baby I do not have experience with this since my son is still too young to think about preschool. But I am an elementary school reading specialist and I have to say Preschool gives kids a huge advantage in kindergarten. You don't have to start right at 3 if you wanted to utilize the convenience for a year or so but I would consider preschool before Kindergarten!
@roo_baby, no, not really, but I am a SAHM. I also plan to homeschool in future. I absolutely do not think having a nanny will stunt your child's social growth, discipline or structure.
@roo_baby if you get a nanny that will take the kids to the park, local library events or other outings around other age kids, your preschooler will still get that interaction they need. I dont know if you have any local preschools that do part time, 1-3 days a week programs but they are usually cheaper and the nanny could take the preschooler to still get that interaction. Lots of co-op preschools are setup this way and are significantly cheaper than a full day preschool program.
@roo_baby We are trying to get our ds1 (almost 4) in the public preschool for the upcoming school year. That said, we didnt put him in preschool at 3 because of money. We couldn't afford it, and cant if he doesnt get drawn for the public one. That said, he is teaching himself the letters and how to read, which I realize is not the norm. Social aspect wise, he spends most of his time around older children as we were the last in our group of friends to have kids. So, he's learned, possibly the hard way, how to act, haha. That said, he has never enjoyed being with kids his own age because he gets frustrated that they arent as smart as he is. I have to explain, that they are smart, but they know different things. This will be our struggle. Ds1 considers things that he will learn in preschool beneath him because he knows most of it.
@roo_baby My daughter is in preschool throughout the year, but I've gotten to stay home with her in summers. She definitely gets bored in the summer without any kids her age to play with. We make a lot of play dates or do activities (like pool, park, library) where I know we'll run into other kids which helps! Is part time preschool an option by you?
@roo_baby We're struggling a bit with a similar decision. Here, the cost of a nanny would just about perfectly offset two in daycare + a dog walker, so it's tempting for the convenience advantages you mentioned. But I do believe in the social benefits daycare offers and putting DS in preschool even just two days a week would be at least another $500/month, so I think we'll probably stick with daycare. Others do make great points about being able to intentionally seek out social experiences for your kids, outside of a school setting. My guess is so much depends on the nanny you're able to hire and the quality of the preschools available to you. Not entirely helpful, I know.
@roo_baby I don’t know what other states do with preschool but we have Voluntary Pre-Kinder program (VPK) and it’s a state funded program for all 4-5 year olds the year prior to kinder. If you guys have something like that you can have a nanny and then when he turns 4 have the nanny take him/pick him up. Best of both worlds! Hopefully you have something like that!
I should add that our nanny right now is incredible (though she won’t be with us next year). My daughter is already bilingual, knows her colors, numbers up to 20 and most of her letters. They go to free story times, art classes, playgrounds and children’s museums. She’s also made friends with other nannies and my daughter has best friends through that and other kids she knows but doesn’t play with as often. So I’m not as concerned about education or even learning how to share and such, more so about learning how to be in a class setting and exposure to different things. I think we will probably enroll her in preschool since we have to decide next month for the fall, and then we can always change our minds and just lose our deposit depending on how things go with the baby.
Personally, of all the things I might worry about keeping a child at home, learning how to fit into a classroom setting is not on the list. J/s
Mostly my worries stem from my own fear of inadequacy - be interesting, find the energy to do projects and get out of the house, eventually find and implement homeschool curricula that work for us, balance structured time with free time so we still are productive and have something to show for our day... But acclimating them to an institutionalized teaching environment is not at all a priority for us. 🤷 Like not even a little bit lol
My daughter will still go to daycare while I'm on maternity leave, but I'm nervous for taking care of an infant all by myself. Last time my husband was home with me the whole time. This time around I will get a few days with him at home. I know I can do, but it will be rough at times until we get into a grove. Thankfully, he only works five minutes from home, so he will be coming home for lunch as well. So if anyone has any tips I'm all ears. I do plan to still nap while baby naps when my daughter is not home. The infant stage is so tiring.
Married: August 2012
TTC #1: July 2015
BFP 1: October 30, 2015; EDD: July 6, 2016- Team Pink
Mamas who have delivered with a midwife: Did you have a doula as well? Why/why not? I'm wondering if delivering with a MW is similar to a doula, and there the doula wouldn't be necessary. I like the idea of the doula bc you may get a mw whom you aren't super familiar with/haven't met before, and at least the doula would be familiar and present the entire time. Any of your experiences, thoughts, ideas are very much appreciated. PS. I'm changing from my dr to a mw practice and just trying to determine if I would really need a doula now.
Me: 33 DH: 36 Dating 4/2008 Married 6/2016 TTC #1 9/2019 BFP 12/13/2019! EDD 8/27/2020 Baby Girl
@blackgirlmagic You can do it! My husband stayed home the first week. Those first few weeks, the baby slept a lot so I took advantage of all that nap time to either nap myself or get things done. The hardest thing was remembering to eat! Since the baby isn't on a schedule, it is hard to have a consistent mid day meal so I always had snacks close by. It will help having your husband come home for lunch because he can make you something! Baby wearing was very helpful because I would put him in the wrap and in those early weeks, he would fall right to sleep and it was great for tidying up the house or folding laundry.
I'm worried about taking care of a newborn with my toddler son around on my own! I may be a little more reliant on my husband this time.
@roo_baby we do a nannyshare and WE LOVE IT. DS is almost 2 but I have no plans on stopping. He gets to be around another kid his age a huge chunk of the day, they play and learn together. We got memberships to the children's museum and zoo and she takes our kids out regularly. I also plan to home school. My son's first year I worked at a school (my first, last, and ONLY year). I never considered homeschool before. But sorry not sorry there is SO MUCH WRONG with the school system. I thought so before but I saw from the inside and Gosh no. Both my parents are career teachers and I want better for our schools I'm just not willing to sacrifice my kids to do it. In better news the local school district has a FREE home school program (with curriculum, lessons, material, etc) for ages 2-5, its made specifically for people who want to explore home schooling without risking their kids being behind if they do decide of traditional school.
STM DS (June 18 BMB vet) Married Aug 2016 Me 30 / DH 34 CS scheduled 7/26-8/12 Due 8/30
riatortillaxo. With my daughter, my body only produced milk if I ate a lot of calories. If I was low on calories for the day, it was reflected in my milk. You SAHM with more than one child are the real heroes. I could not imagine taking care of a new born and another child at the same time.
ETA: The bump must hate me today because the beginning of my sentence is not showing up above. So it says "Thankfully I don't think eating will be a problem for me riatortillaxo."
Married: August 2012
TTC #1: July 2015
BFP 1: October 30, 2015; EDD: July 6, 2016- Team Pink
Mamas who have delivered with a midwife: Did you have a doula as well? Why/why not? I'm wondering if delivering with a MW is similar to a doula, and there the doula wouldn't be necessary. I like the idea of the doula bc you may get a mw whom you aren't super familiar with/haven't met before, and at least the doula would be familiar and present the entire time. Any of your experiences, thoughts, ideas are very much appreciated. PS. I'm changing from my dr to a mw practice and just trying to determine if I would really need a doula now.
So, I had midwives with both my babies, but I also gave birth at a freestanding birth center. So my experience is probably quite a bit different from someone giving birth in a hospital or a birth center that's part of/attached to a hospital.
I did not. I never felt like it was needed. At a freestanding birth center, I can't get an epidural, an induction, various other interventions, period. I'm also very low risk (as required by the laws midwives are regulated by for them to attend a birth outside the hospital), so I have a very high chance of not needing interventions. If I need that, I have to be transferred to a hospital. So it's just not an option. Which I think is going to be very different from being in/attached to a hospital where those things very much are in play.
My midwives were super supportive of me. When I said "I can't" in the middle of pushing, they just said, "yes, you can," and continued on. They suggested all sorts of different positions. They had birthing balls, straps on the ceiling to hang from, water birth tub, birthing stool, etc. If I would have needed a hospital transfer, one of them would have gone with us and stayed with me through the birth.
They would never have suggested pain meds or a little bit of pitocen or whatever to move things along because that's literally not an option outside a hospital. Not saying in-hospital midwives would absolutely recommend that when you're trying to avoid it, just that those things are always there as options.
I'm kind of writing this assuming you're planning med-free, but I guess I don't know that for sure. Doulas tend to be used by people hoping for pain med-free. They tend to be less useful if you're going in planning to get an epidural right away or whatever because the biggest thing for them is helping you be comfortable and work through pain.
@ziggymama06 I had a doula to help me with DD and I'm so grateful for her help. she came to the house when contractions got strong enough that I couldn't really breathe through them, and she stayed with me for 2 days, all the way until they wheeled me in for the C-section.
I don't think the age would have really known how to support me at that time. He certainly wouldn't have supported me in the way that she did! I didn't end up getting to pushing, so I can't speak to that, but I would imagine that's where the midwives would have been there. But she was also indispensable in helping us know when do go to the hospital, and postpone that as long as possible, while still being safe for everyone involved. I do wish we could have gotten further with our med free delivery, but I'm very grateful for her help, knowing that we did absolutely everything we could to get there.
If I had to guess, it would probably be similar that the midwife would not be coming to your home, unless you're actually doing a homebirth, and your midwife practice probably also has a handful of doulas on staff, or that they can recommend. They really do different things. I can also see them being helpful in terms of navigating family dynamic with people visiting, corralling older children after the baby is born, and things like that.
@coldlife Thank you for the details. I do plan on going med-free, but delivering in the hospital (maybe next one I'll try the birthing center). The hospital does have birthing tubs and showers and whatever else I may need while laboring as the midwives deliver there frequently. I don't expect the mw to push me for an epidural or pitocin to get things moving, at least I would seriously hope not. But rather, help me manage the pain in other ways.
@BusinessWife Wow, how interesting. That is something I would be interested in, as well, especially being a FTM. Will you be having a doula again this time around, or just go with the mw?
Me: 33 DH: 36 Dating 4/2008 Married 6/2016 TTC #1 9/2019 BFP 12/13/2019! EDD 8/27/2020 Baby Girl
@ziggymama06 my two cents is that if you are delivering in a hospital and can afford it, get a doula even with a midwife, especially as a FTM. With DS’s birth, money was really tight so we didn’t get a doula and I really wish we had. No matter how prepared you and your partner feel going into the birth, the physical and emotional aspects can be so overwhelming. It’s helpful to have someone there who can advocate for you without being wrapped up in the experience emotionally.
I’m following this thread because I’m planning to deliver in a birth center and debating whether to get a doula this time around. So it’s helpful to hear your experience, @coldlife
Has anyone used a postpartum doula? The idea is really appealing to me.
@gomillis I'm really interested in a postpartum doula... are you thinking more for daytime help or evening help? My mom lives close by and I know would come stay any nights I feel like we could use extra help, but I know that those first weeks can be intense and it might be nice to have the help and support of someone who is a little bit removed. Would love to know if anyone else has experience having a postpartum doula.
And @ziggymama06 I'm delivering with midwives at the hospital and have hired a doula. All agreements are different, but I'll meet with mine twice before birth and she'll visit us twice after the birth. She's also available for calls/texts/emails now and really encourages it to build a relationship. She talks about how she is really there to support you and loves to help partners figure out the best way to support us too. I'm also really lucky that I have good health insurance coverage so this is the only out-of-pocket medical expense I'll have.
@ziggymama06 I agree with what @gomillis said. Having the extra support with someone that has the right knowledge would have been so helpful. I pushed for hours with only the help a nurses, for about 6 hours. It wasn’t until the last doctor that I saw that gave me the time of day and told me I was pushing for way to long and that I had 30 minutes to get her out or I was getting a c-section. I was super thankful that someone actually noticed me, and if we had someone there to assist I’m sure it would of happened long before that. But we also chose not to have anyone at the hospital, and we are going to go that route again.
After me remembering this, I may look into a doula now as well.
Married: August 2012
TTC #1: July 2015
BFP 1: October 30, 2015; EDD: July 6, 2016- Team Pink
Now you're all making me want a doula! Our Bradley instructor was also a doula, and her stories always made it sound like one would be an incredible resource -- both of the girls in our class that were giving birth with midwifes had also hired doulas. We ultimately decided against a doula for DS because (i) money and (ii) I had this vision in my head of it being something DH and I would do together, just us, as a team. I really didn't want to share the experience with anyone else, though in hindsight I think most doulas are extremely sensitive to this and do an amazing job of falling away into the background when the moment calls for that.
@ziggymama06 YES! Get a doula! I honestly have never talked to anyone who had one and regretted it. Keep in mind that regardless whether you have a doctor or midwife at your birth, they are there to ensure baby is delivered safely and that you are safe throughout the birth. A doula is there to provide comfort, reassurance, support in making difficult decisions, suggestions for position changes if labor stalls, to hold your hand, provide pain relief measures, etc. There is no guarantee that the midwife on call at the time of your labor is going to do all - or any - of that for you. Yes, some midwives will squeeze your hips to help through contractions but many won’t. A doula is an amazing support during pregnancy too, in a way that your dr or midwife isn’t. They’ll check in after appointments, be your cheerleader in those last few tough weeks, always be a text away with advice or encouragement when your midwife isn’t. They will meet with you in advance of your birth to answer questions, give you practical info about your local hospital and the procedures there, give you suggestions on spinning babies moves to do to encourage baby into an optimal position before labor starts... help with latch and breastfeeding afterwards.... etc, etc, etc. Can you tell I can’t recommend doulas enough? Haha! I did not have one with my first birth and it was a rough birth. My DH was my sole support and he and I were shell shocked and a bit traumatized after the experience. I used a doula with my second and had the most amazing birth and such a great support system. My DH enjoyed having her there and felt relieved to not be the only one I turned to when in pain or trying to make a decision about what to do next during labor. He could also take pee breaks during rough contractions without feeling guilty, haha!
@rivercitynik@gomillis I used my birth doula as a postpartum doula as well. I didn’t necessarily intend to but I did choose her knowing that she also did postpartum work. I felt so bonded to her after my pregnancy and birth that I just wanted her around to help postpartum. I don’t have my own family here (though I do have my in laws who are wonderful) and there’s no one I would’ve felt more comfortable with or more comfortable holding my daughter or helping get her down for naps, than my doula. (Other than my mom, who lives across the country!) I have a year long maternity leave that is ending in just a few short weeks (my daughter is 11 months old) and my doula STILL comes every Friday We have become great friends so she stopped charging me awhile back and now we just hang out, sometimes bake or cook together to help me prep for the week, etc. And now that I’m pregnant again I will absolutely be using her as my doula this time around! If you’re interested in a postpartum doula I’d recommend choosing a birth doula who does postpartum work and having her continue with you postpartum. It’s so nice to be able to get to know your doula during pregnancy, have her as a source of comfort and support at your birth, and then have her come to your house afterwards for postpartum work! My doula (and most postpartum doulas I’m sure) does a range of things postpartum- she can pick up groceries for you if you pre order them online, prep food and snacks for you, hold the baby so you can shower or nap or just chill in bed watching Netflix, come over and go for walks with you if you’re struggling to get outside, just hang out and hold baby while you guys sip coffee and chat about your birth, watch baby if you need to go to an appointment and would prefer to go alone, do light housework and fold laundry, etc. So helpful!!!
Re: Ask a STM+ February
Word guys! I yelled at my 3.5 year old a few times today and feel horrible
DD born June 2016
Second due August 2020 (team green!)
What is up with the friggin questions-- and sometimes I think they are the same ones over and over again.
***TW***
****trigger warning****
1 LC, girl 5 years old
TTC #2 Summer 2017
BFP 1/5/2018, MC (D & E) 2/23/2018
TTCAL May 2018
BFP 9/20/2018, MC (D & E) 11/16/2018
Craft Blog
with pick and drop off for your four year old if you need it.
Married Aug 2016 Me 30
CS scheduled 7/26-8/12 Due 8/30
Is part time preschool an option by you?
Mostly my worries stem from my own fear of inadequacy - be interesting, find the energy to do projects and get out of the house, eventually find and implement homeschool curricula that work for us, balance structured time with free time so we still are productive and have something to show for our day... But acclimating them to an institutionalized teaching environment is not at all a priority for us. 🤷 Like not even a little bit lol
https://busytoddler.com/2017/07/playing-preschool-homeschool-preschool/
Dating 4/2008
Married 6/2016
TTC #1 9/2019
BFP 12/13/2019!
EDD 8/27/2020 Baby Girl
I'm worried about taking care of a newborn with my toddler son around on my own! I may be a little more reliant on my husband this time.
ETA: spelling
Married Aug 2016 Me 30
CS scheduled 7/26-8/12 Due 8/30
ETA: The bump must hate me today because the beginning of my sentence is not showing up above. So it says "Thankfully I don't think eating will be a problem for me riatortillaxo."
I did not. I never felt like it was needed. At a freestanding birth center, I can't get an epidural, an induction, various other interventions, period. I'm also very low risk (as required by the laws midwives are regulated by for them to attend a birth outside the hospital), so I have a very high chance of not needing interventions. If I need that, I have to be transferred to a hospital. So it's just not an option. Which I think is going to be very different from being in/attached to a hospital where those things very much are in play.
My midwives were super supportive of me. When I said "I can't" in the middle of pushing, they just said, "yes, you can," and continued on. They suggested all sorts of different positions. They had birthing balls, straps on the ceiling to hang from, water birth tub, birthing stool, etc. If I would have needed a hospital transfer, one of them would have gone with us and stayed with me through the birth.
They would never have suggested pain meds or a little bit of pitocen or whatever to move things along because that's literally not an option outside a hospital. Not saying in-hospital midwives would absolutely recommend that when you're trying to avoid it, just that those things are always there as options.
I'm kind of writing this assuming you're planning med-free, but I guess I don't know that for sure. Doulas tend to be used by people hoping for pain med-free. They tend to be less useful if you're going in planning to get an epidural right away or whatever because the biggest thing for them is helping you be comfortable and work through pain.
I don't think the age would have really known how to support me at that time. He certainly wouldn't have supported me in the way that she did! I didn't end up getting to pushing, so I can't speak to that, but I would imagine that's where the midwives would have been there. But she was also indispensable in helping us know when do go to the hospital, and postpone that as long as possible, while still being safe for everyone involved. I do wish we could have gotten further with our med free delivery, but I'm very grateful for her help, knowing that we did absolutely everything we could to get there.
If I had to guess, it would probably be similar that the midwife would not be coming to your home, unless you're actually doing a homebirth, and your midwife practice probably also has a handful of doulas on staff, or that they can recommend. They really do different things. I can also see them being helpful in terms of navigating family dynamic with people visiting, corralling older children after the baby is born, and things like that.
@BusinessWife Wow, how interesting. That is something I would be interested in, as well, especially being a FTM. Will you be having a doula again this time around, or just go with the mw?
Dating 4/2008
Married 6/2016
TTC #1 9/2019
BFP 12/13/2019!
EDD 8/27/2020 Baby Girl
And @ziggymama06 I'm delivering with midwives at the hospital and have hired a doula. All agreements are different, but I'll meet with mine twice before birth and she'll visit us twice after the birth. She's also available for calls/texts/emails now and really encourages it to build a relationship. She talks about how she is really there to support you and loves to help partners figure out the best way to support us too. I'm also really lucky that I have good health insurance coverage so this is the only out-of-pocket medical expense I'll have.
thanks for sharing your experiences @coldlife, @BusinessWife and @gomillis!
@rivercitynik How did you find yours? Did you interview with many?
Dating 4/2008
Married 6/2016
TTC #1 9/2019
BFP 12/13/2019!
EDD 8/27/2020 Baby Girl