BTDT Advice to FTMs

kiki75 · October 2019

Join your local moms FB group(s) now. At least in mine, there’s some good stuff like people selling things, info on local events for kids, etc.

But there’s also a fair amount of subtle mom shade where people slide unnecessary details in there to show superiority. “My EBF son is turning 2. What are some good gift ideas?” (That one isn’t literal but I’ve seen numerous instances where people slid their BFing status in where it was absolutely not pertinent.) I recently saw one from someone looking for rain boots and she felt compelled to include that her under 1yo needs them because they’re walking even though it’s completely unnecessary for the request.

Read it now. Learn to spot the BS now so when you’re in the thick of things and questioning yourself, that stuff is less likely to get under your skin.

kerco925 · October 2019

You can make plans (birth plan, breastfeeding, everything else about raising a kid) but be flexible. And don't beat yourself up when things dont go the way you planned. Most things won't and that's ok.

pourmeanothermocktail · October 2019

I'm sure I'll come up with a lot more. But, here goes.

Treat your kids like people. Expect them to have good days and bad days, and also answer their questions truthfully. You can give age appropriate answers, but don't just lie.

Get good at saying "Thanks." or "OK" or "We've got this handled" when people offer unsolicited advice. Ignore and move on. Especially when they tell you to put whiskey on your baby's gums. Or insist that they carried their whole baby weight and bump mostly in their butt. Repeatedly. (These were said to me).

Remember that babies just don't sleep through the night. Don't expect them to just magically do this. Me accepting my son's bad sleep was easier than continually trying to make it better and try new things that didn't work. He got there. At 22 months.

saladflambe · October 2019

You cannot be prepared for this.
No matter how many books you read, advice you take in, other people's experiences you read...no matter how prepared you think you are for becoming a mom, you won't be prepared, and that's totally ok!

So gather other people's experiences & advice like little tools to have in your back pocket, but know that you're just plain not going to be prepared, but you WILL figure it out & you WILL be ok. When that baby is born, remind yourself ALL THE TIME that "this is not your new forever." I promise, everything is a phase & none of it lasts forever.

chaos-and-coffee · October 2019

You don’t know what you don’t know. I read all the books, bought all the things, and my 11 month old has still never once slept through the night in his own bed. It’s okay to have a plan, but accept that things might not go the exact way you’ve planned and that’s okay.

Find a tribe, a support system, family, whatever and lean on them. Whether it’s this group, moms who have recently been through it and will be there to answer your frantic 2 am text when your baby won’t latch. Accept help but also don’t be afraid to turn people away when you need time to yourself.

If something doesn’t work, it’s okay. I nearly killed myself trying to breastfeed my first and when I finally switched him to formula he turned into a different, thriving baby overnight. Breastfeeding is wonderful. If it doesn’t work for you, formula is not the devil.

runwmusic · October 2019

As soon as you think things are turning normal something will change. Some days (and nights) will be wonderful and other won't. Everything is a phase and it will pass.

It's OK to have a plan but be prepared to change it.

Download wonder weeks or get the book.

Breastfeeding is hard. I ended up exclusively pumping for 11 weeks and it was hell. He does just fine on formula and I wish I switched earlier.

Get lots of one handed snacks for once baby is here. You will be hungry and won't have two hands!

Gripe water is a live saver. Get some.

kerco925 · October 2019

I was so set on breastfeeding. I took classes, read books, saw multiple lactation consultants. It didnt work and I beat myself up over it. This time I will try, but if it doesnt come easily, we will move right to formula.

thinkpositive2017 · October 2019

Breastfeeding in the beginning was so much harder for me than I expected. It was so painful that I cried everytime DS latched. There is a stigma against nipple shields so I kept trying to breastfeed without them, but in the end using nipple shields were a total life saver. Once I got over the 'shame' of using them and just accepted it, everything got easier. And DS didn't have to be weaned off the shields, One day around 2 1/2 months he just latched without it and it didn't hurt. I'm bringing the nipple shields to the hospital with me this time in case the same thing happens!

Also, no one really talks about the postpartum bleeding. It's like the worst and longest period you've ever had in your life. Get giant pads, granny panties, perinatal bottle and cooling foam, tucks pads and colace capsules!

Don't compare yourself or your baby to other moms. Newborns are so hard, and feeling let down because someone else's baby is hitting milestones at an earlier date is not worth the extra stress. Anyone who says their 8 week old is sleeping through the night is very lucky or lying. If yours isn't, you're not doing anything wrong!

diagonalley · October 2019

@thinkpositive2017 I totally used nipple shields with both of my boys. My first was a preemie and needed it til about 7 months before he could nurse without it. My second was full term, but needed it about a month and then he could do without.

Regarding breastfeeding - don't beat yourself up over advice. Try what you think will work and know that maybe you need to try something else if it's not. Both of my kids used nipple shields and both had binkies in the hospital. Both also exclusively nursed for their first year of life without issue, despite the "horrors" of "nipple confusion." It just wasn't even an issue for them or me.

You're going to bleed, a lot, after the baby is born, for up to 6 weeks. I feel like noone really told me this ahead of time. It's like your body's way of punishing you for no period for the past 9 months. You will also be cramping for a day or two after baby is born, especially when nursing (if you nurse) because your uterus is trying to shrink back down. It's so weird. And gets worse with each baby, supposedly, so yay?

4 weeks does not equal a month. 32 weeks pregnant does not equal 8 months pregnant. That's just a personal annoyance of mine so I threw that in there hahaha.

I've cloth diapered both my babies, so feel free to ask about that if you are interested!

Take as much time off as you can. You only get to do this with this baby one time. You will never get that time back.

pourmeanothermocktail · October 2019

@diagonalley Fellow Happy Potter geek and cloth diapering mom here. Excited that two-in-cloth just ended this week, so I can have a break before two-in-cloth again. I'll have to find a photo of my HP cover when I get a chance

hayhay2501 · October 2019

Babies change CONSTANTLY! Don’t judge a mom with a difficult toddler because your 5 month old is an easy baby. Easy babies can become difficult toddlers (I may be speaking from experience 😅😅😅).

Don’t be afraid to ask for help/ accept it. And don’t feel guilty for needing a break!

Also travelling with babies under 7 months is amazing. DD has been on about 20 flights in 2.5 years and the trips between 2.5 months and 5 months were the easiest!

Oh and edited to add- I know you’re probably worried about the sleep deprivation but you will get through it and hormones will help you ride the wave! Also one day you will look back and wonder what you occupied your time with before you had kids. Seriously- what did I do with my time besides go to dinner more? Ha

runwmusic · October 2019

@hayhay2501 ds hates the car seat more than anything. He does not like being contained and never has. Traveling an hour or more gives me anxiety now.

hayhay2501 · October 2019

@runwmusic ahh how old is he? I know some kids HATE it until they’re old enough to forward face. We basically never drive so I have more experience with long plane trips!

runwmusic · October 2019

@hayhay2501 he's ten months. He just wants to move and explore. Sitting still is not something he's ever done since utero.

kberm3 · October 2019

For postpartum bleeding, I highly recommend forgetting all shame and just buy yourself a big box of adult diapers. That way you won’t have to worry about any giant pads leaking and honestly it’s just easier!

zande2016 · October 2019

Everything in parenting is a phase/chapter. It will pass. That’s what I’ve had to tell myself a million times when I was up all night with a crying baby or struggling to breastfed or having a hard time juggling two kids and a full time job. It’s all temporary, and apparently one day we will really miss this crazy chaotic time - or so they say.

Read up on what it’s like postpartum. The doctors tell you all about pregnancy but don’t really inform you about what it’s like after. There will be blood and adult diapers and uterus massages and mesh undies (the best!) and stool softener. And you will poop if you deliver vaginally.

If anyone tries to tell you that breastfeeding is just intuitive and comes naturally, don’t listen to them. It’s hard. There’s a huge learning curve. You are no less a mom/woman if you’re unable to breastfeed or just choose not to. On a similar note....don’t buy more than 1 of any bottle brands. Each of my kids would only take one bottle, and they were both different brands. Don’t waste your money on a bunch of Dr Brown’s etc. until you know they’ll take it.

Join car seats for the Littles on Facebook and read up on car seat safety. I seriously had no clue what I was doing when we brought my first home from the hospital and looking back he was totally unsafe in his car seat. The nurses likely have no clue about car seat safety So don’t rely on them.

runwmusic · October 2019

+1 for adult diapers post partum. So much easier than pads! Also made padsicles but I ended up with an emergency c section and didn't use them.

MssyMmmy · October 2019

Your going to have a big hormone crash after birth. It will fee overwhelming and you may feel extremly sad and suddenly blue. Especially on days 4-6 post birth. It will get better! It’s common and normal. But if your scared reach out and ask for help. I spoke with a psychiatrist and social worker in hospital because I was afraid of my feelings. They hooked me up with some resources in case post partum depression came. Which it didn’t...but I felt a lot better after talking with them and having the resources in case it got worse.

also c-sections are still a real birth. It took me a long time to get rid of the unnecessary guilt over “failing” to vaginally deliver my child.

saladflambe · October 2019

I have a link in my signature to my blog about my experiences with severe postpartum anxiety, depression, and OCD. I'm 100% willing to talk to anyone about it, answer questions, and even help you find resources, so please reach out. (I also struggled with and am already struggling again with antenatal anxiety and OCD, so that's fun.)

Link to blog:
https://cannebodyhearme.wordpress.com/2017/02/08/an-honest-account-of-new-motherhood-with-post-partum-anxiety-depression-and-ocd/

saladflambe · October 2019

And to add to the above -- sleep deprivation is a part of this experience, but if you're not able to sleep even when the baby is sleeping, ask for help with that. Please. (This is what landed me in the hospital when my daughter was 7 weeks old.)

Parenting is hard, but it's not supposed to be so hard that you feel like you're constantly drowning.

I was in a very very dark place in those first 7 weeks until I was properly treated.

mariabele · October 2019

FTM here, obviously with zero experience with any of this. Just want to say thanks for the advice! The sleeping thing is what has me worried the most. I need >7hrs of sleep or I am not a normal human being. Really. I can barely form a coherent sentence. The thought of getting <7 on a regular basis (AND being responsible for another living thing) has me really nervous. Though, I've definitely heard from several friends that you just get used to it. I hope that's true!

diagonalley · October 2019

@mariabele Sleep when baby sleeps. If baby is taking a nap midday, you take a nap, too.

runwmusic · October 2019

I couldn't nap during the day no matter how hard I tried and don't think everyone can. I would get so annoyed (no offense) at the sleep when they sleep advice. I have just gotten a lot better at life on little sleep. I go to bed shortly after ds does and my schedule is just different than it used to be.

hayhay2501 · October 2019

@runwmusic yea didn’t work for me either and I felt the same way. But all the props to people who it does work for!! I wish it did for me.

Honestly you get used to less sleep. As long as I get a four hour stretch (plus shorter stretches) it’s a good night. But I’ve survived on much less.

hayhay2501 · October 2019

@runwmusic if it makes you feel better 10 months- 15 months were the HARDEST for travelling for us. It gets easier!! Now the tablet is our best travelling friend 😅😅😅

pourmeanothermocktail · October 2019

runwmusic said:

I couldn't nap during the day no matter how hard I tried and don't think everyone can. I would get so annoyed (no offense) at the sleep when they sleep advice. I have just gotten a lot better at life on little sleep. I go to bed shortly after ds does and my schedule is just different than it used to be.

Right? Sometimes I can nap during day, but I have to have just eaten, kid must be sleeping, have to have access to a dark room, rest of the house must be silent, and I have to feel like I'm caught up on household tasks (not entirely done, but not drowning) to have a chance. Once I had two kids, I was screwed. I'm really a super light sleeper, and I have two dogs. So phone must be on silent, and no other adults can be home, because dogs will follow them around and wake me up from claws on floor.

My husband used to get angry at me when I was exhausted but "wouldn't" map. He refused to believe I couldn't-he can fall asleep on command and sleep through fire alarms....

diagonalley · October 2019

OK, obviously doesn't work for everyone.

The point behind my comment was moms often feel like sleeping during the day is not even an option because they have to take care of XYZ around the house.

If you can sleep during the day, take advantage of that. No harm meant.

kerco925 · October 2019

Certainly no harm in mentioning it, @diagonalley. It's good advice for those who can do it. I am one of the unlucky ones who has no ability to sleep on someone else's schedule.

pourmeanothermocktail · October 2019

diagonalley said:

OK, obviously doesn't work for everyone.

The point behind my comment was moms often feel like sleeping during the day is not even an option because they have to take care of XYZ around the house.

If you can sleep during the day, take advantage of that. No harm meant.

If I came across as rude or upset about it, I'm sorry! You didn't come across as harmful either. I just remember people IRL being frustrated at me for not sleeping during the 20 min my son would nap, and it was awful. And I hate that I CAN'T just choose to nap, it is sad. I think it's a great piece of general advice. It was only harmful in my case because I specifically told the people in my life that I had tried and couldn't, or had been trying and it didn't work, and all of said people are in fact great sleepers, who can nap anywhere, anytime, and they got angry with me. It was shitty of them.

Nice to know though, that I'm not the ONLY unlucky one who fails at it.

hayhay2501 · October 2019

@diagonalley I wasn’t offended at all and I do think it’s great advice for good sleepers! I am a terrible sleeper even without a newborn so when people would tell me that in real life like i was doing something wrong I’d be pissed off because I wish I could nap on command lol.

pourmeanothermocktail · October 2019

@hayhay2501 Truth!

diagonalley · October 2019

Honestly it would suck to not be able to nap. I'm a napper. I love naps. Give me alllll the naps.

I do struggle with being a light sleeper though, especially when I have a newborn. That's why my second went right to his crib and didn't sleep in my room. Both of my boys were super loud grunters all night long (I believe because they both grew SUPER FAST in the beginning...my second legit grew 8 INCHES in 2 months and my first more than doubled in weight) so there was no sleep for me.

Sorry you ladies can't nap

NikkiSings · October 2019

FTM here, just wanting to say thank you for all of this, especially everything postpartum and breastfeeding related. Much appreciated!!

thumper615 · October 2019

another FTM, this is great stuff! Thank you so much.
I am currently so terrified of delivery that I haven’t been thinking about after. I love all
the tips and insight.

kiki75 · October 2019

As you shop and consider baby products, think about multipurpose things and how things will grow with this baby and your family. If you’re planning to have more kids, look at strollers that can grow with you as your family & children grow. Some things you’ll decide it’s worth doing one for now, one for later. Like some people just go with a convertible car seat from go. I prefer having an infant seat that I can buckle them into indoors where it’s dry & warm. As for multipurpose, you could buy & pack around a nursing cover, a car seat cover, and a blanket. We live in a temperate climate and he was a spring baby so just using a swaddle blanket for all those things worked for us.

Bibs: Velcro bibs are bullshit. They can just pull them off and then rub them in their hair and/or fling them, ick on the bib and all. Then the Velcro snags all of the delicate things in the wash. Snaps or ties. Bandana bibs are cute & work for drool bibs if you have a drooler but they don’t work for meal bibs unless the neck is well scooped. Most ride up in the way of their mouths.

@thumper615 Best thing you can do for birth is to find providers you trust, do some reading to figure out where you stand on things, aim for that, but then know that ultimately however it goes... roll with it as much as possible. Do not let noise about which ways are superior get into your mind. It’s what works for you and the specific way it unfolds for you. It was seriously the most amazing, wildest experience of my life. The thing that surprised me the most was how overwhelmingly strange it felt to be unpregnant. Getting that far happens so gradually and then suddenly, it’s just one of you and baby can be in a whole nother room.

ramzlau · October 2019

@kiki75 OMG! I forgot the unpregnant part of this! It was super weird and crazy to all the sudden not be waiting for the next kick.

I am sure I will think of more stuff as time goes on, but for now a few things would be:

Postpartum depression is real. Be vocal, and ask for help. Better to ask and it not be ppd, than to chalk it up as must be normal and suffering! Don’t let it steal happy time from you and your family.

Pregnancy and parenthood have something in common, not everyone enjoys every stage or moment. Some new moms are surprised they don’t love being a mom to a screaming, tantrum throwing, biting, kicking little
person that consumes every moment of their life, and that is okay. Find what works for you and maximize the moments you do love in this process that is a crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions and challenges.

lwhrmomma · October 2019

When it comes time to register, I totally recommend taking a friend or family member along who has kids, if possible. It is SO overwhelming to be in those baby stores and not have a clue what you need, so having a buddy there who has been through it can be incredibly helpful.

On that note, I always recommend getting the big stuff (carseats, high chairs, pack n plays, etc) in gender neutral colors so you can reuse them for any future kids.

Also, I think it's been mentioned, but stock up on adult diapers for postpartum. They are wonderful. And in the hospital, load up on the mesh underpants and bring as many home as you can. They are a godsend and you'll appreciate having them at home.

pourmeanothermocktail · October 2019

Am I the only weird one who really didn't like the mesh underwear??

The adult diapers for a day or two were good, but then I was done with them, I was down to a regular period amount in a week.

I put a waterproof mattress cover on my bed before 34 weeks, in case of water breaking in bed.

I slept on top of towels for 1-2 weeks after birth, because gross night sweats.

Also, we cloth diaper in this house, and so use reusable nursing pads and menstrual pads (after first few heavy days) because I find the cloth much nicer against skin than plastic stuff, especially when wearing for weeks.

akoros · October 2019

I'm a little scared to ask, but what's so good about the mesh underwear? I've seen that noted before.

And thanks to you all for the advice!

chaos-and-coffee · October 2019

I was the naive mom who went to lunch with a friend who told me what I should bring to the hospital in case of a c-section. I didn’t listen, and ended up with a c-section and clueless! For me, i only liked underwear/leggings that came up super high and didn’t rub against my scar. I liked the mesh in the hospital but by the time I was home I was in regular underwear and a pad. @akoros they’re nice because you bleed a ton and are sore, and it helps keep everything tucked in - for me at least. I do however know a ton of people who didn’t like them, so I would also bring a few pairs of comfy granny panty underwear you don’t mind being ruined to the hospital, too.

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