BTDT Advice to FTMs — The Bump
June 2020 Moms

BTDT Advice to FTMs


    
Me: 34 DH: 38
Married: June 2011
TTC since Feb 2016
BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 
BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
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Re: BTDT Advice to FTMs

  • Join your local moms FB group(s) now. At least in mine, there’s some good stuff like people selling things, info on local events for kids, etc. 

    But there’s also a fair amount of subtle mom shade where people slide unnecessary details in there to show superiority. “My EBF son is turning 2. What are some good gift ideas?” (That one isn’t literal but I’ve seen numerous instances where people slid their BFing status in where it was absolutely not pertinent.) I recently saw one from someone looking for rain boots and she felt compelled to include that her under 1yo needs them because they’re walking even though it’s completely unnecessary for the request. 

    Read it now. Learn to spot the BS now so when you’re in the thick of things and questioning yourself, that stuff is less likely to get under your skin. 
        
    Me: 34 DH: 38
    Married: June 2011
    TTC since Feb 2016
    BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 
    BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
    BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
    horsesmeetbabykerco925hanshotfirst77lickastick
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  • As soon as you think things are turning normal something will change. Some days (and nights) will be wonderful and other won't. Everything is a phase and it will pass.

    It's OK to have a plan but be prepared to change it. 

    Download wonder weeks or get the book. 

    Breastfeeding is hard. I ended up exclusively pumping for 11 weeks and it was hell. He does just fine on formula and I wish I switched earlier. 

    Get lots of one handed snacks for once baby is here. You will be hungry and won't have two hands! 

    Gripe water is a live saver. Get some. 


    kerco925pourmeanothermocktailhorsesmeetbaby
  • I was so set on breastfeeding.  I took classes, read books, saw multiple lactation consultants.  It didnt work and I beat myself up over it.  This time I will try, but if it doesnt come easily, we will move right to formula. 
    kiki75lickastick
  • @diagonalley Fellow Happy Potter geek and cloth diapering mom here. Excited that two-in-cloth just ended this week, so I can have a break before two-in-cloth again. I'll have to find a photo of my HP cover when I get a chance
    Me: 31
    DH: 30
    Married 7/18/15
    1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
    Team green turned BLUE!
    BFP 1/1/18, due 9/7/18 Team Green

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • @hayhay2501 ds hates the car seat more than anything. He does not like being contained and never has. Traveling an hour or more gives me anxiety now. 
  • @runwmusic ahh how old is he? I know some kids HATE it until they’re old enough to forward face. We basically never drive so I have more experience with long plane trips! 
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • @hayhay2501 he's ten months. He just wants to move and explore. Sitting still is not something he's ever done since utero. 
  • For postpartum bleeding, I highly recommend forgetting all shame and just buy yourself a big box of adult diapers.  That way you won’t have to worry about any giant pads leaking and honestly it’s just easier!
    thinkpositive2017
  • Everything in parenting is a phase/chapter. It will pass. That’s what I’ve had to tell myself a million times when I was up all night with a crying baby or struggling to breastfed or having a hard time juggling two kids and a full time job. It’s all temporary, and apparently one day we will really miss this crazy chaotic time - or so they say. 

    Read up on what it’s like postpartum. The doctors tell you all about pregnancy but don’t really inform you about what it’s like after. There will be blood and adult diapers and uterus massages and mesh undies (the best!) and stool softener.  And you will poop if you deliver vaginally.

    If anyone tries to tell you that breastfeeding is just intuitive and comes naturally, don’t listen to them. It’s hard. There’s a huge learning curve. You are no less a mom/woman if you’re unable to breastfeed or just choose not to. On a similar note....don’t buy more than 1 of any bottle brands. Each of my kids would only take one bottle, and they were both different brands. Don’t waste your money on a bunch of Dr Brown’s etc. until you know they’ll take it. 


    Join car seats for the Littles on Facebook and read up on car seat safety. I seriously had no clue what I was doing when we brought my first home from the hospital and looking back he was totally unsafe in his car seat. The nurses likely have no clue about car seat safety So don’t rely on them. 

    lynkatNikkiSings
  • +1 for adult diapers post partum. So much easier than pads! Also made padsicles but I ended up with an emergency c section and didn't use them. 
    kberm3kiki75
  • Your going to have a big hormone crash after birth. It will fee overwhelming and you may feel extremly sad and suddenly blue. Especially on days 4-6 post birth. It will get better! It’s common and normal. But if your scared reach out and ask for help. I spoke with a psychiatrist and social worker in hospital because I was afraid of my feelings. They hooked me up with some resources in case post partum depression came. Which it didn’t...but I felt a lot better after talking with them and having the resources in case it got worse.

    also c-sections are still a real birth. It took me a long time to get rid of the unnecessary  guilt over “failing” to vaginally deliver my child.
    image
    runwmusicNikkiSingskiki75
  • And to add to the above -- sleep deprivation is a part of this experience, but if you're not able to sleep even when the baby is sleeping, ask for help with that. Please. (This is what landed me in the hospital when my daughter was 7 weeks old.)

    Parenting is hard, but it's not supposed to be so hard that you feel like you're constantly drowning. 

    I was in a very very dark place in those first 7 weeks until I was properly treated.
    ~~Signature Trigger Warning~~

    Me: 32; Him: 36
    Married: Oct 20, 2013
    BFP 1: Aug 31, 2015
    EDD 1: May 12, 2016
    DD1 Emma born May 12, 2016
    An Honest Account of New Motherhood (with Postpartum Anxiety, Depression, and OCD)

    BFP 2: October 07, 2019
    EDD 2: June 20, 2020


    lynkatNikkiSingskiki75virginiaham
  • FTM here, obviously with zero experience with any of this. Just want to say thanks for the advice! The sleeping thing is what has me worried the most. I need >7hrs of sleep or I am not a normal human being. Really. I can barely form a coherent sentence. The thought of getting <7 on a regular basis (AND being responsible for another living thing) has me really nervous. Though, I've definitely heard from several friends that you just get used to it. I hope that's true! 
    akorosNikkiSingskiki75
  • @mariabele ;  Sleep when baby sleeps.  If baby is taking a nap midday, you take a nap, too.
    Pregnancy Ticker
    lickastick
  • I couldn't nap during the day no matter how hard I tried and don't think everyone can. I would get so annoyed (no offense) at the sleep when they sleep advice. I have just gotten a lot better at life on little sleep. I go to bed shortly after ds does and my schedule is just different than it used to be. 
    pourmeanothermocktailkberm3blaf322
  • @runwmusic yea didn’t work for me either and I felt the same way. But all the props to people who it does work for!! I wish it did for me. 

    Honestly you get used to less sleep. As long as I get a four hour stretch (plus shorter stretches) it’s a good night. But I’ve survived on much less. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
    runwmusicmariabele
  • @runwmusic if it makes you feel better 10 months- 15 months were the HARDEST for travelling for us. It gets easier!! Now the tablet is our best travelling friend 😅😅😅
    BabyFruit Ticker
    runwmusic
  • runwmusic said:
    I couldn't nap during the day no matter how hard I tried and don't think everyone can. I would get so annoyed (no offense) at the sleep when they sleep advice. I have just gotten a lot better at life on little sleep. I go to bed shortly after ds does and my schedule is just different than it used to be. 
    Right? Sometimes I can nap during day, but I have to have just eaten, kid must be sleeping, have to have access to a dark room, rest of the house must be silent, and I have to feel like I'm caught up on household tasks (not entirely done, but not drowning) to have a chance. Once I had two kids, I was screwed. I'm really a super light sleeper, and I have two dogs. So phone must be on silent, and no other adults can be home, because dogs will follow them around and wake me up from claws on floor.

    My husband used to get angry at me when I was exhausted but "wouldn't" map. He refused to believe I couldn't-he can fall asleep on command and sleep through fire alarms....
    Me: 31
    DH: 30
    Married 7/18/15
    1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
    Team green turned BLUE!
    BFP 1/1/18, due 9/7/18 Team Green

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Pregnancy Ticker
    kberm3
  • OK, obviously doesn't work for everyone.

    The point behind my comment was moms often feel like sleeping during the day is not even an option because they have to take care of XYZ around the house.

    If you can sleep during the day, take advantage of that.  No harm meant.
    Pregnancy Ticker
    kerco925pourmeanothermocktailNikkiSingsmariabele
  • Certainly no harm in mentioning it, @diagonalley.  It's good advice for those who can do it.  I am one of the unlucky ones who has no ability to sleep on someone else's schedule. 
    diagonalleypourmeanothermocktail
  • OK, obviously doesn't work for everyone.

    The point behind my comment was moms often feel like sleeping during the day is not even an option because they have to take care of XYZ around the house.

    If you can sleep during the day, take advantage of that.  No harm meant.
    If I came across as rude or upset about it, I'm sorry! You didn't come across as harmful either. I just remember people IRL being frustrated at me for not sleeping during the 20 min my son would nap, and it was awful. And I hate that I CAN'T just choose to nap, it is sad. I think it's a great piece of general advice. It was only harmful in my case because I specifically told the people in my life that I had tried and couldn't, or had been trying and it didn't work, and all of said people are in fact great sleepers, who can nap anywhere, anytime, and they got angry with me. It was shitty of them. 

    Nice to know though, that I'm not the ONLY unlucky one who fails at it.
    Me: 31
    DH: 30
    Married 7/18/15
    1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
    Team green turned BLUE!
    BFP 1/1/18, due 9/7/18 Team Green

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Pregnancy Ticker
    kerco925
  • @diagonalley I wasn’t offended at all  and I do think it’s great advice for good sleepers! I am a terrible sleeper even without a newborn so when people would tell me that in real life like i was doing something wrong I’d be pissed off because I wish I could nap on command lol. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
    pourmeanothermocktail
  • @hayhay2501 Truth!
    Me: 31
    DH: 30
    Married 7/18/15
    1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
    Team green turned BLUE!
    BFP 1/1/18, due 9/7/18 Team Green

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • FTM here, just wanting to say thank you for all of this, especially everything postpartum and breastfeeding related. Much appreciated!! 
  • another FTM, this is great stuff! Thank you so much. 
    I am currently so terrified of delivery that I haven’t been thinking about after. I love all
    the tips and insight. 
  • As you shop and consider baby products, think about multipurpose things and how things will grow with this baby and your family. If you’re planning to have more kids, look at strollers that can grow with you as your family & children grow. Some things you’ll decide it’s worth doing one for now, one for later. Like some people just go with a convertible car seat from go. I prefer having an infant seat that I can buckle them into indoors where it’s dry & warm. As for multipurpose, you could buy & pack around a nursing cover, a car seat cover, and a blanket. We live in a temperate climate and he was a spring baby so just using a swaddle blanket for all those things worked for us.

    Bibs: Velcro bibs are bullshit. They can just pull them off and then rub them in their hair and/or fling them, ick on the bib and all. Then the Velcro snags all of the delicate things in the wash. Snaps or ties. Bandana bibs are cute & work for drool bibs if you have a drooler but they don’t work for meal bibs unless the neck is well scooped. Most ride up in the way of their mouths.


    @thumper615 Best thing you can do for birth is to find providers you trust, do some reading to figure out where you stand on things, aim for that, but then know that ultimately however it goes... roll with it as much as possible. Do not let noise about which ways are superior get into your mind. It’s what works for you and the specific way it unfolds for you. It was seriously the most amazing, wildest experience of my life. The thing that surprised me the most was how overwhelmingly strange it felt to be unpregnant. Getting that far happens so gradually and then suddenly, it’s just one of you and baby can be in a whole nother room.  
        
    Me: 34 DH: 38
    Married: June 2011
    TTC since Feb 2016
    BFP#1: 7/7/16 MMC: 8/16/16 
    BFP#2: 5/8/17 - CP
    BFP#3: 6/27/17 EDD: 3/10/18
    runwmusicpourmeanothermocktail
  • @kiki75 OMG! I forgot the unpregnant part of this! It was super weird and crazy to all the sudden not be waiting for the next kick. 

    I am sure I will think of more stuff as time goes on, but for now a few things would be: 

    Postpartum depression is real. Be vocal, and ask for help. Better to ask and it not be ppd, than to chalk it up as must be normal and suffering! Don’t let it steal happy time from you and your family. 

    Pregnancy and parenthood have something in common, not everyone enjoys every stage or moment. Some new moms are surprised they don’t love being a mom to a screaming, tantrum throwing, biting, kicking little
    person that consumes every moment of their life, and that is okay. Find what works for you and maximize the moments you do love in this process that is a crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions and challenges. 
    *TW*
    Me: 36  DH: 41
    Married 5/28/12
    7/2014 BFP #1 - MC 7/28/14
    TTC Since 10/2015
    10/2016 RE appt
    10/2016 Dx Elevated prolactin
    11/2016 HSG results - all normal
    1/2017 SA results - all normal
    4/2017 Dx Elevated TSH 2.6
    5/2017 Dx Chronic Endometritis 
    5/2017 IUI #1
    6/2017 BFP #2: Beta#1 220, Beta#2 550, U/S 6/26 with heartbeat, Born Feb 2018
    TFAS Since 10/2019
    10/2019 BFP #3: Beta#1 25  (16DPO) - MC 10/2019

    kerco925
  • When it comes time to register, I totally recommend taking a friend or family member along who has kids, if possible.  It is SO overwhelming to be in those baby stores and not have a clue what you need, so having a buddy there who has been through it can be incredibly helpful.

    On that note, I always recommend getting the big stuff (carseats, high chairs, pack n plays, etc) in gender neutral colors so you can reuse them for any future kids.  

    Also, I think it's been mentioned, but stock up on adult diapers for postpartum. They are wonderful. And in the hospital, load up on the mesh underpants and bring as many home as you can.  They are a godsend and you'll appreciate having them at home.  :)


    Pregnancy Ticker


  • Am I the only weird one who really didn't like the mesh underwear??

    The adult diapers for a day or two were good, but then I was done with them, I was down to a regular period amount in a week. 

    I put a waterproof mattress cover on my bed before 34 weeks, in case of water breaking in bed.

    I slept on top of towels for 1-2 weeks after birth, because gross night sweats.

    Also, we cloth diaper in this house, and so use reusable nursing pads and menstrual pads (after first few heavy days) because I find the cloth much nicer against skin than plastic stuff, especially when wearing for weeks.
    Me: 31
    DH: 30
    Married 7/18/15
    1st born at 35+4 on 6/6/16
    Team green turned BLUE!
    BFP 1/1/18, due 9/7/18 Team Green

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Pregnancy Ticker
  • I'm a little scared to ask, but what's so good about the mesh underwear? I've seen that noted before. 

    And thanks to you all for the advice! 
  • I was the naive mom who went to lunch with a friend who told me what I should bring to the hospital in case of a c-section. I didn’t listen, and ended up with a c-section and clueless! For me, i only liked underwear/leggings that came up super high and didn’t rub against my scar. I liked the mesh in the hospital but by the time I was home I was in regular underwear and a pad. @akoros they’re nice because you bleed a ton and are sore, and it helps keep everything tucked in - for me at least. I do however know a ton of people who didn’t like them, so I would also bring a few pairs of comfy granny panty underwear you don’t mind being ruined to the hospital, too. 
    pourmeanothermocktailakoros
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