Inappropriate Comments/Questions Thread

suzycupcake · January 2019

@deecherise I didn’t know you suffer from a diagnosis of Infertility. I was under the impression that pregnancy happened for you within the normal range of time and was the reason your friend mentioned it. My apologies.

It sounds like you’re upset that your friend hasn’t acknowledged the pain you experienced last year and maybe you felt like her comment, though about something separate, minimized that. I hope that the two of you can work it out. Hugs. I’m sorry again for assuming.

deecherise · January 2019

It's cool, @suzycupcake. I don't participate in the infertility threads because I haven't struggled in the same ways (e.g. trying for years with a supportive partner) and doing so would feel inauthentic to me. I wasn't trying to get pregnant when it happened. To be completely honest, I was bottoming out of a spiral where I wasn't taking care of myself at all because I wanted to die. This baby literally saved my life.

I have PCOS with some minimal ovarian scarring, diagnosed by ultrasound. Prior to this pregnancy, I believed I was completely anovulatory because I tracked for almost a year with no signs of an LH surge. I think this pregnancy happened due to a combination of God having mercy and my doc putting me on Metformin for insulin resistance.

database6 · January 2019

@deecherise first hugs, glad you are in a better space mentally.

Second, I wouldn’t call what I’ve been through comparable to infertility, not claiming that at all. But, my DH and I tried for about 9 months this time, and we found out he was a type 1 diabetic. I really think that is why we had a delay in conceiving this time too.

deecherise · January 2019

@database6 that's fair. I'm not necessarily attempting to claim infertility, because like I said, I didn't struggle for multiple years. But I do have impaired fertility, and thus I do get what it's like to have trouble conceiving, feelings of jealousy, etc. I just didn't appreciate the justification for being treated like crap by someone I thought I would have support from.

wabash15 · January 2019

@deecherise I'm not sure anyone was justifying what she said. PP's said that she should not have shared that comment with you BUT that they did understand her feelings. TBH her feelings are so common when your struggling and have failed so many times with IF. Sometime you just can't be happy for someone else. it doesn't mean you don't love them, your just not in that space to be happy for them/around them. IF can be is soul crushing and though you may have experienced a glimmer of what she is/was going though its still not the same. I'm Sorry you had such a shit year and its wonderful that this baby has come along and can be a bright spot for you.

deecherise · January 2019

Never was trying to say it was the same, just that I'm not completely clueless about how it feels.

ETA:

I do think it's interesting though that the initial response post was justifying what was said--when that hasn't happened to anyone else who was posting hurtful things that were said to them.

We're all currently pregnant. Am I really somehow less deserving than those of you who've struggled with IF because in your eyes, I haven't struggled enough? What's the threshold for being worthy of motherhood? Would you honestly welcome comments about your level of deserving at this point, now that you're currently pregnant?

All I ever said was that the comment was inappropriate and hurtful, and that the person making it knew enough about me to know that it wasn't fair to make those comments. I'm frustrated that this thread has turned into a hyperfocus on that one comment.

ETA 2

Nevermind, I have enough stress in my life without adding this. GBCB, I wish y'all the best.

wabash15 · January 2019

@deecherise Should she have said those comments to you? No, and one one said she should have. What was said was ladies who have struggled with IF understand what she was feeling and where those comments came from. No need to GCGB. We are are here to support one another and share different perspectives. We can all move forward.

WinchesterGirl · January 2019

@deecherise Pregnancy is definitely not the time for the pain Olympics. We've all have different struggles & that's ok. I'm sorry she made hurtful comments to you. She is obviously coming from a place of personal hurt, but it doesn't mean it was nice to hear.

Although now I'm not sure if you're GBCBing us overall or just this thread.
deecherise said:

Never was trying to say it was the same, just that I'm not completely clueless about how it feels.

ETA:

I do think it's interesting though that the initial response post was justifying what was said--when that hasn't happened to anyone else who was posting hurtful things that were said to them.

We're all currently pregnant. Am I really somehow less deserving than those of you who've struggled with IF because in your eyes, I haven't struggled enough? What's the threshold for being worthy of motherhood? Would you honestly welcome comments about your level of deserving at this point, now that you're currently pregnant?

All I ever said was that the comment was inappropriate and hurtful, and that the person making it knew enough about me to know that it wasn't fair to make those comments. I'm frustrated that this thread has turned into a hyperfocus on that one comment.

ETA 2

Nevermind, I have enough stress in my life without adding this. GBCB, I wish y'all the best.

suzycupcake · January 2019

Okay now I’m confused. Having PCOS (which by the way is not diagnosed by an ultrasound alone) and an infertility diagnosis are very different. PCOS does not equal Infertility. It’s not about how much time something took. It’s about so much more than that. I cannot understand you now.

Making the comparison that you are making is like saying you understand what it feels like to have a progressive neurological brain disease because you’ve experienced fatigue, some leg cramps, some tingling in your foot a few times, and needed some medication for pain a couple of times. It’s not the same thing at all.

Shelling out thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars, having to stab yourself with needles, having to have your eggs extracted from your ovaries or having a catheter shoved up your cervix while sperm is plunged up there, not being able to see a baby without crying, your sex life being completely destroyed, the extreme hormonal roller coaster ride because of very powerful medications, the list goes on and on and on. Just no. I’m not about to have someone say they understand that kind of pain when they do not understand it whatsoever.

This isn’t about Infertility, about pregnancy, or even about the pain olympics. It’s not even about being worthy of motherhood which by the way, nobody Fing implies at all! This is about your inability to stop thinking about yourself and empathize with someone else. And now GBCB? Nobody said your friend was justified in saying that to you. Ladies tried to be nice but tried to show a different perspective. This looks a lot like AWing to me.

mrosek91 · January 2019

Ladies, we're all pregnant and hyper-emotional. Whatever struggles one goes through in life no one can truely understand another person's pain.
This board is supposed to be a safe space where we can share things that frustrate, or hurt us.
This has been discussed long past what is healthy. Let's all just move on.

lilmamabebe3 · January 2019

I am going to be honest and say I think everyone went a little hard on @deecherise. She is allowed to be hurt by that comment regardless of the circumstances.

On the flip side, I have to tell a friend that recently had a MMC and it has caused me so much anguish and anxiety because I have been in her shoes before and I know what it's like to be like, "Omg. You're pregnant? That is.... so... great!"

This isn't easy, but my therapist made a good point that we can be empathetic but we are not responsible for their reaction. I don't think it's appropriate to lay your bad emotions on the friend that is pregnant, but I also know it's hard to keep it in when you're already going through so much.

BumpAdmin · January 2019

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