Inappropriate Comments/Questions Thread

suzycupcake

Taken from June BMB. Thought we could share those things our friends, family, and coworkers have said/asked but *probably* shouldn't have.

deecherise

"Who's the father? It's not your ex, right?"

"It's too early for you to be excited. You don't know how those medications affected the baby."

"Are you happy about this?"

"It's not fair for you to be pregnant when all you've done is sleep with a bunch of guys for a few months, and I've been working my ass off and doing anything and everything to bring a baby into this world."

grangerhp37

“Wow, you must have gotten the family gene!” (meaning getting KU right away, which wasn’t true but most people didn’t know we were trying. Why assume it was our first try??)

suzycupcake

"Now that your body has learned to be pregnant, you probably will get pregnant easily the next time around."

"Now that you'll have one baby, you'll be able to really relax, let things happen naturally, and won't need to do IVF again." --Oh thanks Becky and Jennifer. I'm so glad that you're the authority on how my body works. If I had known seven years ago that all I had to do was relax, I'd be $20K richer! Oh wait. I didn't include the cost of 4 rounds of IUI in there. #biggesteyefuckingroll  

"Why do you need a Doula? I didn't need a Doula and none of my girls did. They helped us with all of that in the hospital." --Uhm, geez Patty, I need a Doula because it's not 80 years ago when you had kids and people actually understood the concept of a village. Andplusalso, I'm going to be 35 and none of you live around us. So while your girls had each other and you during their pregnancies and deliveries, I'll let you do the Math. 

EmilyA724

After telling my parents that we had been trying unsuccessfully for a year "oh, so you lied when you said you didn't want a second"

heml

HOW DID YOU GUYS NOT PUNCH ALL OF THESE PEOPLE IN THE FACE?!?! 

mkrel

@deecherise are these friends and family saying this to you?!  I would be so pissed off and upset, I don't even know how you can continue a conversation without punching them or bursting into tears.

My Mom was just here for a couple of weeks and made multiple comments about breastfeeding that really pissed me off.  "So and so's baby is on formula and is sleeping through the night at 2 weeks" was the one that really got to me.  I worked my ass off to successfully BF my daughter and she was a great sleeper at first then around 3 months was up every 2-3 hours until she was 8 months old.  My mom is CONVINCED that it is because "formula fills them up more" even though from 6-8 months I could feed her a legit meal before bed and she would still wake up.  I thought I had educated her the first time around, but it looks like I'm going to be in for the comments all over again. 

deecherise

@heml 😂😂😂😂😂

For me, all of the comments except the first and last ones were by family members. The first and last ones were via text, so physical distance saved them.

@suzycupcake I wish I could say I can't believe how insensitive and ignorant people were to you, but I can 🙃

@mkrel unfortunately, yes. It definitely caused some upset and crying, but it was a good push to also cut some people off.

UGHHH I hate when people push formula (or BFing, but a bit less). It's the mother's choice. As long as the baby is getting the proper nutrition, everyone needs to STFU.

wabash15

my dad: "you know your not Mormon, don't you?" 

@mkrel sorry your mom is making comments. every baby is different. I have had sleepers and eaters... some kids don't STTN till well after a year and this is normal. ugg. Keep doing what your doing.  My mom used to make comments like "your STILL breast feeding?!?" the twins were not even a year yet...

smmatt08

"I see a baby bump!" -at 4 weeks (Bitch, that's my mom fluff)

And from the NP I saw at the walk in clinic for a sinus infection (nothing pregnancy related) who I promptly wrote a scathing review about: 
"How many sexual partners have you had?" (irrelevant) 
"Was this pregnancy planned?" (also irrelevant)
"Have you even confirmed the pregnancy if you're only 6 weeks?"
"Wow, I can't believe your doctor is ok with you staying on that medication while pregnant" <- with a stink face

WinchesterGirl

The appropriate reaction to pretty much every one of these comments...

wabash15

@smatt08 I must admit the first comment had me laughing out loud... when my youngest was 3 months a lady at church asked me when I was due... nope not pregnant, just still rocking that pregnancy weight... thanks for making me feel good. WTF to that NP, those are very inappropriate questions.

ash0625

In reaction to me telling someone that we had a good scan yesterday: "You're still a long way from ready to tell anyone about this pregnancy."

Have I mentioned I HATE the societal pressure to keep a pregnancy a secret until its "acceptable" to talk about? Mostly to save OTHER PEOPLE's feelings should something go wrong? It makes me so ragey. 

wabash15

@ash0625 WTF... that is so rude... if your comforitable with it then you get to talk/share tell the world whenever you want to. That stigma that you must wait till after the first tri sucks. I'm with you on it making me ragey

database6

“Are you showing yet?” While staring at my midsection. 

“It’s a boy, I know it.”  No the duck you don’t. 

“Are you going to need new pants soon?”  WTf?

All from my MIL. 

suzycupcake

@heml The first comment was my husband’s uncle’s wife and the last two were my MIL. 

elizabeth_1985

@mkrel Both of my kids were 100 percent formula fed and the first slept like garbage. She didn't sleep through the night until she was 13 months old. 

hey_clever_girl

I agree, @ash0625. I think that when someone decides to announce a pregnancy should be up to THEM, not what "everyone else" thinks!

kristinamarie10

@database6 the MIL comments smh. 
Mine has a knack for backhanded compliments. 

So far her only comments have been,
"what happened to only one child?"
" how am I not supposed to tell anyone!?! Well I guess it is your decision"

law_and_little1

"Are you having a tub birth? Just promise me you're not going to have a tub birth." -Friend right after I told her the news!

goldfishcraker

So this one is slightly off topic, since it's not about THIS pregnancy. But still inappropriate pregnancy comments

And ****TW****
This summer my family took a trip to Europe. On the trip home we had a loooooong layover in Toronto. We left the airport to meet up with some of my Mom's cousins whom I haven't seen since I was about 8.
We went to the keg, and after dinner we we're sitting outside on the patio having drinks around the fire. 
My mom's 50-something female cousin shouts across the circle at me:
"So how long have you two been married?"
Me: "about a year an a half now"
Her "oh well then I guess you still have time...."
Me "excuse me?"
Her: "well you haven't reached the 2 year mark yet... But if you haven't made your mother a grandmother yet by the 2 year mark, there's seriously something wrong with you!"
*Silence*
Me. Full of rage "actually, I had a miscarriage and almost died a few months ago. So... Yeah."
*Absolute Silence*
Her: "well...I didn't know, did I?"

NO, YOU DIDNT. AND THATS WHY YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES REPRODUCTION, SHARON!

jmesue1030

@chillycanadian that’s terrible!!!! Good for you for saying that back! I was terrified that I would get a bunch of “when are you going to have another baby” q’s when I saw my extended family shortly after our loss but I have to think my mom must have filled them in because nobody said anything and they typically aren’t shy about personal stuff.

caz_mama

“Just make sure you don’t use being pregnant as an excuse to bulk up. And make sure you loose the weight after the baby is born because it’s not fair to you or your husband if you stay heavy after the baby”  

All the while I’ve actually lost 15lbs since being pregnant due to morning sickness. 😤

nimo-ad

@caz_mama I would totally understand if that horrible person got a huge slap off the face of planet for that! How insensitive!

Sorry about the weight loss and MS, hugs 

jmesue1030

@caz_mama 😱😱😱 noooooo. Just no.

jmesue1030

@caz_mama 😱😱😱 noooooo. Just no.

jmesue1030

@caz_mama 😱😱😱 noooooo. Just no.

jmesue1030

@caz_mama 😱😱😱 noooooo. Just no.

jmesue1030

@caz_mama 😱😱😱 noooooo. Just no.

caz_mama

@nimo-ad  @jmesue1030  yeah I was pretty much in shock. It came from an older member of my family (70+ years old) so I just let it go at the time. 

jmesue1030

Umm my bad!!! Not sure how to delete the duplicate posts. Sorry for being obnoxious 

mrsbuttercupbev

My mom after my telling her about my surprise 4th pregnancy on a Christmas. “Well, I wish you had lost the baby weight before this time...” (my youngest son is 5....)

Lotus_2008

@mrsbuttercupbev How obnoxious! I would love to know what goes through peoples' heads when they decide to comment on a woman's body/weight, let alone a PREGNANT/STM+ woman's body/weight. 

cato99

I had one last night that was neither inappropriate nor hurtful, just hilariously clueless. A few childless friends came over for dinner last night:

me: “Hi I’m pregnant”
friend: “that’s great! Oh no...” 
me: “what?”
friend: “some of the cupcakes I brought over are sweet potato! I am so sorry! That was so inconsiderate!” 
me: “.....wat?”

Turns out he had “learned” from an episode of Arrested Development that yams are bad for babies and it had stuck with him for like 15 years. 

WinchesterGirl

Stopped at a relatives house earlier. Learned that another cousin is pregnant, great! She immediately says "She's sick too. You can tell, she looks almost as bad as you do." 

 

Babylovecali

@Winchestergirl My jaw literally dropped when I read that. Wow, people can be so rude!!

jrm_14

@deecherise While that last comment could have probably been withheld from saying to you, I 110% get that person. I’ve even thought similar things to myself about others when I was at v v low points. I hope her heart finds a way to  deal with her grief in IF/loss/ with whatever she is struggling. 

ETA wording. 

deecherise

@jrm_14 I understand her pain, but not her response. 2018 was literally the year my life fell apart (ex-husband left me, kicked out of a lab, etc.), and she knew all of that. So when I discovered this pregnancy, it was (and still is) the only light I've been holding on to.

She has had multiple failed IVFs, and despite the ugly things she said and her failure to own up to them, despite the fact that she's not speaking to me and incapable of being happy for me, I still pray that she will have her take home baby soon.

suzycupcake

@deecherise I hope you don’t mind me butting in here to say that you don’t understand her pain since you haven’t lived Infertility. If you did, you’d understand her response. I agree that it sucks she said it to you. 

deecherise

I'm not going to argue about what I do and don't understand with people that don't know my life. I may not have been through repeated cycles of IVF, but I did have a husband who wouldn't let me try for a baby, and I did try for one on the sly for months until I was told it couldn't happen without medical assistance... to no avail.

So yes, I know what it's like to hear that yet another one of your acquaintances or family is pregnant and wonder why they were chosen and not me. I understand the crushing fear of feeling like you'll never be a mom. I haven't gone through the physical pain associated with fertility treatments, but I have cried at seeing my period start again and again, wondering wtf was wrong with my body. No, I didn't struggle for as long as y'all have perhaps, or go through as much loss, or physical pain. But that doesn't invalidate my path.

I get exactly why my former friend said what she said. But I don't get it given that she knew about all of the above.

jrm_14

@deecherise Of course it doesn’t invalidate your path. It also doesn’t invalidate your friend’s feelings, though doesn’t mean she had a free pass to say that.
Some seasons of life are v hard & we have to step back & realize that we can’t be joyful for others all the time & that’s okay. We also have to stay back & accept others are still in seasons of hurt, and may not be there for us even as we move past our most difficult times. It’s hard to feel left behind, regardless of circumstances and struggles.